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BISECTER (YA Fantasy)

Fiction Young Adult Fantasy

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#21 Wayfarer

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Posted 25 January 2018 - 04:51 PM

New version is below. I still need to deal with the last part (why it's an either/or choice), but that's going to take me longer to figure out. :) Thank you for your suggestions...they made this version much cleaner!

 

Dear [Agent],

 

Hemera is the only one of her kind. Hated and feared by her own people, she bears the black eyes and inhuman strength gained from an encounter with one of the Halves: grotesque creatures that hunt and murder humans. (Excellent.) The monstrous blood running through her veins is a constant reminder that she is less than human.

 

She is more surprised than anyone when the handsome soldier Brice risks his own life to save hers. Even more surprising is that they fall in love. But when Brice is captured by the Halves, Hemera leaves the subterranean society that raised her. The caves are the only haven from the world’s never-setting sun, with (Saying 'with' instead of 'its' makes me think you're speaking about the caves in reference to the rays.) rays that are poison to exposed human skin.

 

Hemera soon learns that she faces more than the formidable task of rescuing Brice. Creatures far deadlier than Halves are searching for her, desperate to harness her the power of her blood powers to create a near-invincible army of monsters. With the war between humans and Halves imminent, and a new enemy hunting her, time is running out. Hemera must either escape with the one she loves or abandon him to  -- embracing the powers she has suppressed her entire life in order to fend off the evil that pursues her. She must decide before the ones seeking her get what they want…her blood.



#22 Artsnerd

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Posted 26 January 2018 - 11:13 AM

Paying back the favor of your critique of my own query.

 

Dear [Agent],

 

Hemera is the only one of her kind. Hated and feared by her own people, she bears the black eyes and inhuman strength gained from an encounter with one of the Halves: grotesque creatures that hunt and murder humans. The monstrous blood running through her veins is a constant reminder that she is less than human. Nice intro. Really sparks my interest.

 

She is more surprised than anyone when the handsome soldier Brice risks his own life to save hers [save her by doing what, exactly? What was the perilous situation? Maybe some explanation here would make it more concrete to my imagination]. Even more surprising is that they fall in love. But when Brice is captured by the Halves, Hemera leaves the subterranean society that raised her. The caves are the only haven from the world’s never-setting sun, with rays that are poison to exposed human skin.

 

Hemera soon learns that she faces more than the formidable task of rescuing Brice. Creatures far deadlier than Halves are searching for her, desperate to harness her powers to create a near-invincible army of monsters. With the war between humans and Halves imminent, and a new enemy hunting her, time is running out. Hemera must either escape with the one she loves or abandon him to embrace the powers she has suppressed her entire life. She must decide before the ones seeking her get what they want…her blood.  I like that the stakes are really evident here. This is a solid query. I couldn't think of much to critique, to be honest. I think I would have liked a little bit more regarding the personalities of Hemera and Brice, however. Otherwise, good job.


“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated.

In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.” 

―Maya Angelou

 

The query for my current WIP can be found here.

 

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#23 VSChapman

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Posted 26 January 2018 - 12:02 PM

New version is below. I still need to deal with the last part (why it's an either/or choice), but that's going to take me longer to figure out. :) Thank you for your suggestions...they made this version much cleaner!

 

Dear [Agent],

 

Hemera is the only one of her kind. Hated and feared by her own people, she bears the black eyes and inhuman strength gained from an encounter with one of the Halves: grotesque creatures that hunt and murder humans. The monstrous blood running through her veins is a constant reminder that she is less than human. (I don't think I said it before but nice hook! actually, I think this is the only thing you changed, right?)

 

She is more surprised than anyone when the handsome soldier Brice risks his own life to save hers. (I still feel as though I want to know what he saved her from exactly) Even more surprising is that they fall in love. But when Brice is captured by the Halves, Hemera leaves the subterranean society that raised her. (So, the subterranean society isn't her own people, right? So who are these people?)The caves are the only haven from the world’s never-setting sun, with rays that are poison to exposed human skin.

 

Hemera soon learns that she faces more than the formidable task of rescuing Brice. Creatures far deadlier than Halves are searching for her, desperate to harness her powers to create a near-invincible army of monsters. With the war between humans and Halves imminent, and a new enemy hunting her, time is running out. Hemera must either escape with the one she loves or abandon him to embrace the powers she has suppressed her entire life. She must decide before the ones seeking her get what they want…her blood. (Still not understanding the end here. Can't she do both? Rescue him and embrace her powers?)



#24 alibi174

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Posted 26 January 2018 - 12:17 PM

New version below. I think I FINALLY (with all of your help) resolved the major issue in the last paragraph, but I'll let you be the judge of that! Can you also let me know if you think the middle paragraph is too choppy now? The poor thing has undergone a lot of changes...and I'm not entirely sure it's for the better. Thank you! I will happily return the favor and comment on your queries, as well. :)

 

Dear [Agent],

 

Hemera is the only one of her kind. Hated and feared by her own people, she bears the black eyes and inhuman strength gained from an encounter with one of the Halves: grotesque creatures that murder humans. The monstrous blood running through her veins is a constant reminder that she is less than human.

 

She is more surprised than anyone when the handsome soldier Brice risks his own life to help her. Even more surprising is that they fall in love. But when Brice is captured by the Halves, Hemera leaves her people's subterranean society. The caves are the only haven from the never-setting sun’s rays, which are poison to exposed human skin.

 

Hemera soon learns that she faces more than the formidable task of rescuing Brice. Creatures far deadlier than Halves are searching for her, desperate to harness her powers to create a near-invincible army of monsters. With the war between humans and Halves imminent, and a new enemy hunting her, time is running out. Hemera must either escape with the one she loves, ensuring the enemy never gets what it wants, or risk both their lives--and embrace the powers she has spent a lifetime suppressing--to face the growing evil.

 


If you have a few moments, I'd appreciate your feedback on my query for BISECTER (YA Fantasy).


#25 VSChapman

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Posted 26 January 2018 - 01:30 PM

New version below. I think I FINALLY (with all of your help) resolved the major issue in the last paragraph, but I'll let you be the judge of that! Can you also let me know if you think the middle paragraph is too choppy now? The poor thing has undergone a lot of changes...and I'm not entirely sure it's for the better. Thank you! I will happily return the favor and comment on your queries, as well. :)

 

Dear [Agent],

 

Hemera is the only one of her kind. Hated and feared by her own people, she bears the black eyes and inhuman strength gained from an encounter with one of the Halves: grotesque creatures that murder humans. The monstrous blood running through her veins is a constant reminder that she is less than human.

 

She is more surprised than anyone when the handsome soldier Brice risks his own life to help her. Even more surprising is that they fall in love. But when Brice is captured by the Halves, Hemera leaves her people's subterranean society. The caves are the only haven from the never-setting sun’s rays, which are poison to exposed human skin. (nope, I don't think it's too choppy)

 

Hemera soon learns that she faces more than the formidable task of rescuing Brice. Creatures far deadlier than Halves are searching for her, desperate to harness her powers to create a near-invincible army of monsters. With the war between humans and Halves imminent, and a new enemy hunting her, time is running out. Hemera must either escape with the one she loves, ensuring the enemy never gets what it wants, or risk both their lives--and embrace the powers she has spent a lifetime suppressing--to face the growing evil. (yes! I think this is much clearer!) 

 

I think my issue with the other revisions is that I wanted too much of the story- which isn't what a query is for. But it was hard because everyone wanted too much of my story and I think I kinda carried that thought process over to others. This is clear and concise. You've done a good job. Good luck!



#26 PeterD

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Posted 26 January 2018 - 02:26 PM

New version below. I think I FINALLY (with all of your help) resolved the major issue in the last paragraph, but I'll let you be the judge of that! Can you also let me know if you think the middle paragraph is too choppy now? The poor thing has undergone a lot of changes...and I'm not entirely sure it's for the better. Thank you! I will happily return the favor and comment on your queries, as well. :)

 

Dear [Agent],

 

Hemera is the only one of her kind. Hated and feared by her own people, she bears the black eyes and inhuman strength gained from an encounter with one of the Halves: grotesque creatures that murder humans. The monstrous blood running through her veins is a constant reminder that she is less than human.

 

She is more surprised than anyone when the handsome soldier Brice risks his own life to help her. Even more surprising is that they fall in love. But when Brice is captured by the Halves, Hemera leaves her people's subterranean society.,even though tThe caves are the only haven from the never-setting sun’s poisonous rays., which are poison to exposed human skin. (I feel like this last sentence is too worldbuild-y on its own at this point, can be merged with the previous.)

 

Hemera soon learns that she faces more than the formidable task of rescuing Brice. Creatures far deadlier than Halves are searching for her, desperate to harness her powers to create a near-invincible army of monsters. With the  a war between humans and Halves imminent, and a new enemy hunting her, time is running out. <<Hemera must either escape with the one she loves, ensuring the enemy never gets what it wants,>>this is unclear to me, as I thought she was escaping from the Halves, but I feel like 'ensuring...wants' refers to this other new enemy. or risk both their lives--and embrace the powers she has spent a lifetime suppressing--to face the growing evil.

 

 

Really good overall! Solid, clear and intriguing.



#27 MICRONESIA

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Posted 26 January 2018 - 05:16 PM

Dear [Agent],

 

Hemera is the only one of her kind. Hated and feared by her own people, she bears the black eyes and inhuman strength gained from an encounter with one of the Halves: grotesque creatures that murder humans. The monstrous blood running through her veins is a constant reminder that she is less than human. Are we in the real world or a fantasy world? Other than the Halves, we don't get ANY clues about the setting.

 

She is more surprised than anyone when the handsome soldier Brice risks his own life to help her. Vague. What actually happened? Even more surprising is that they fall in love. But when Brice is captured by the Halves, Hemera leaves her people's subterranean society. We should know this sooner. The caves are the only haven from the never-setting sun’s rays, which are poison to exposed human skin. I know nothing about the MC other than she's half-monster and loves some dude. Whom we also know nothing about.

 

Hemera soon learns that she faces more than the formidable task of rescuing Brice. Creatures far deadlier than Halves are searching for her, desperate to harness her powers She has powers now? to create a near-invincible army of monsters. With the war between humans and Halves imminent, and a new enemy hunting her, It's hard to be awed by their mysteriousness when that's all we know about them. time is running out. Hemera must either escape with the one she loves, ensuring the enemy never gets what it wants, or risk both their lives--and embrace the powers she has spent a lifetime suppressing--to face the growing evil. So... run away or fight? Those are the stakes? Just to be clear...

 

Other than what I pointed out above, this thing is LOADED with cliche -- which I've highlighted in orange.

 

Amp up the specifics. Simplify the stakes. Build the world. Let us get to know the MC. Give us a reason to pull for her. 



#28 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 26 January 2018 - 05:44 PM

New version below. I think I FINALLY (with all of your help) resolved the major issue in the last paragraph, but I'll let you be the judge of that! Can you also let me know if you think the middle paragraph is too choppy now? The poor thing has undergone a lot of changes...and I'm not entirely sure it's for the better. Thank you! I will happily return the favor and comment on your queries, as well. :)

 

Dear [Agent],

 

Hemera is the only one of her kind. Hated and feared by her own people, she bears the black eyes and inhuman strength gained from an encounter with one of the Halves: grotesque creatures that murder humans. The monstrous blood running through her veins is a constant reminder that she is less than human.

 

She is more surprised than anyone when the handsome (Don't know if it's necessary to mention he's handsome.  We see they fall in love in the next sentence, so obviously she finds him attractive, and it sounds a bit cliche) soldier Brice risks his own life to help her. Even more surprising is that they fall in love. But when Brice is captured by the Halves, Hemera leaves her people's subterranean society. The caves are the only haven from the never-setting sun’s rays, which are poison to exposed human skin. (I feel like this info might have a better place in the opening paragraph.  It comes out of nowhere.)

 

Hemera soon learns that she faces more than the formidable task of rescuing Brice. Creatures far deadlier than Halves are searching for her, desperate to harness her powers (I had to go back and look at the first paragraph to confirm she had powers.  Maybe this can be worded better?) to create a near-invincible army of monsters. With the war between humans and Halves imminent, and a new enemy hunting her, time is running out. Hemera must either escape with the one she loves, ensuring the enemy never gets what it wants, or risk both their lives--and embrace the powers she has spent a lifetime suppressing--to face the growing evil. (I'm not sure I understand the last part.  I got confused because there are two antagonists, and had to read the whole thing over to remember who "the enemy" was and who "the growing evil" was.  This needs to be clearer.  Does the new enemy also have a name they can be identified by? If it said something like "Hemera must either escape with the Brice, ensuring the Halves never gets what they want, or risk both their lives--and embrace the powers she has spent a lifetime suppressing--to face the INSERT NEW BAD GUY NAME HERE.")

 

 

This is an interesting story, but the wording and dual-antagonists confused me.  I really liked the first two paragraphs, though.  I'm also still confused about what the stakes are supposed to be.



#29 PureZhar3

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Posted 27 January 2018 - 04:48 PM

New version below. I think I FINALLY (with all of your help) resolved the major issue in the last paragraph, but I'll let you be the judge of that! Can you also let me know if you think the middle paragraph is too choppy now? The poor thing has undergone a lot of changes...and I'm not entirely sure it's for the better. Thank you! I will happily return the favor and comment on your queries, as well. :)

 

Dear [Agent],

 

Hemera is the only one of her kind. Hated and feared by her own people, she bears the black eyes and inhuman strength gained from an encounter with one of the Halves: grotesque creatures that murder humans. I'm slightly confused, because if they murder humans, why is she still alive? And how does an encounter put their blood into her? I think this could be mostly resolved by saying "surviving an encounter". The monstrous blood running through her veins is a constant reminder that she is less than human.

 

She is more surprised than anyone when the handsome soldier Brice risks his own life to help her. Even more surprising is that they fall in love Eh. Surprising to her, maybe, but romance is nothing new in a novel. This kinda draws me out of the hook... maybe rephrase it so that it doesn't try to make us feel surprised (if that makes sense). But when Brice is captured by the Halves, Hemera leaves her people's subterranean society. The caves are the only haven from the never-setting sun’s rays, which are poison to exposed human skin. Yep. Definitely a bit choppy. If this was my first time reading this, I would be thinking that I didn't realize the Halves lived outside the caves (I didn't realize the humans lived in caves) and the sun seems a bit random. Maybe play around with this - say she must face the sun, then talk about the people living underground (Idk if that will help)

 

Hemera soon learns that she faces more than the formidable task of rescuing Brice. Creatures far deadlier than Halves are searching for her, desperate to harness her powers to create a near-invincible army of monsters. With the war between humans and Halves imminent given the fact that we haven't previously talked about this potential war, I think it's safe to say "With a war", and a new enemy new enemies? hunting her, time is running out. Hemera must either escape with the one she loves, ensuring the enemy never gets what it wants, or risk both their lives--and embrace the powers she has spent a lifetime suppressing--to face the growing evil. This is definitely clearer, but it doesn't totally show me the stakes. It sounds as if either way, evil probably won't win (they either get faced down or lose what they want). It doesn't make her feel like the underdog (even though it seems from the rest of the story that she probably is).

 

Much clearer; however, this still needs some work. Keep up the good work... you're definitely getting somewhere!

 


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#30 AmberA

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Posted 28 January 2018 - 07:14 PM

New version below. I think I FINALLY (with all of your help) resolved the major issue in the last paragraph, but I'll let you be the judge of that! Can you also let me know if you think the middle paragraph is too choppy now? The poor thing has undergone a lot of changes...and I'm not entirely sure it's for the better. Thank you! I will happily return the favor and comment on your queries, as well. :)

 

Dear [Agent],

 

Hemera is the only one of her kind. Hated and feared by her own people, she bears the black eyes and inhuman strength gained from an encounter with one of the Halves: grotesque creatures that murder humans. The monstrous blood running through her veins is a constant reminder that she is less than human.

 

She is more surprised than anyone when the handsome soldier Brice risks his own life to help her. ( you should start with a conflict and then state that she is later saved by Brice-- a handsome soldier. Right now, it's too vague IMO)  Even more surprising is that they fall in love. ( You can cut back and add it with the previous sentence. " They soon fall in love or their hatred turns to love... something short and sweet)  But when Brice is captured by the Halves, Hemera leaves her people's subterranean society. The caves are the only haven from the never-setting sun’s rays, which are poison to exposed human skin.( ? What does the caves have to do with Brice missing? You need to elaborate a little more and condense it. ) 

 

Hemera soon learns realizes that she faces more than the formidable task of rescuing Brice. Creatures far deadlier than Halves are searching for her, desperate to harness her powers to create a near-invincible army of monsters. With the war between humans and Halves imminent, and a new enemy hunting her, time is running out. Hemera must either escape ( isn't Brice kidnapped... So wouldn't that mean she has to face the Halves anyways ? ) with the one she loves, ensuring the enemy never gets what it wants, or risk both their lives--and embrace the powers she has spent a lifetime suppressing--to face the growing evil. ( Your stakes could be a little stronger... I like the ending part though about her powers and etccc. Some parts of the query is a little vague that can be easily fixed. You're query is getting there, hope my comments helped  :happy: 

 


Would appreciate critiques on my YA- VENGEANCE query: http://agentquerycon...edits/?p=352035


#31 alibi174

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Posted 29 January 2018 - 09:14 AM

New version below:

 

Dear [Agent],

 

Hemera is the only one of her kind. She is an outcast among her people in their underground cave system, which protects them from the never-setting sun’s poisonous rays. She bears the black eyes and inhuman strength gained from an encounter with one of the Halves: grotesque creatures that murder humans. The monstrous blood running through her veins is a constant reminder that she is less than human.

 

When Hemera gets stuck in a cave collapse, the handsome soldier Brice is her unlikely savior. The shared experience sparks a friendship that soon turns to love. But when Brice is captured by the Halves, Hemera is the only one willing to venture into distant, forbidden lands to find him.  

 

Hemera soon learns that she faces more than the formidable task of rescuing Brice. Creatures far deadlier than Halves are searching for her, desperate to harness her mutated blood to create a near-invincible army of monsters. With the war between humans and Halves imminent, and a new enemy hunting her, time is running out. Hemera must either escape with the one she loves, ensuring the enemy never gets what it wants, or risk both their lives—and embrace the strength she has spent a lifetime suppressing—to face enemies on all sides.


If you have a few moments, I'd appreciate your feedback on my query for BISECTER (YA Fantasy).


#32 PureZhar3

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Posted 29 January 2018 - 05:41 PM

Hemera is the only one of her kind. She is an outcast among her people in their underground cave system, which protects them from the never-setting sun’s poisonous rays Can this sentence be condensed at all?. She bears the black eyes and inhuman strength gained from surviving an encounter with one of the Halves: grotesque creatures that murder humans. See my previous post (#29) on my thoughts on this bit. The monstrous blood running through her veins is a constant reminder that she is less than human.

 

When Hemera gets stuck in a cave collapse, the handsome soldier Brice is her unlikely savior. The shared experience sparks a friendship that soon turns to love. But when Brice is captured by the Halves, Hemera is the only one willing to venture into distant, forbidden lands to find him. Good, good

 

Hemera soon learns that she faces more than the formidable task of rescuing Brice. Creatures far deadlier than Halves are searching for her, desperate to harness her mutated blood to create a near-invincible army of monsters. With the war between humans and Halves imminent, and a new enemy hunting her, time is running out. Hemera must either escape with the one she loves, ensuring the enemy never gets what it wants, or risk both their lives—and embrace the strength she has spent a lifetime suppressing—to face enemies on all sides. I don't fully understand the stakes still. It seems as if escaping with the one she loves is the obvious choice. Tell us why she would consider staying when it's so easy to flee


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#33 Wayfarer

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Posted 30 January 2018 - 02:30 PM

Hemera is the only one of her kind. She is an outcast among her people in their underground cave system, which protects them from the never-setting sun’s poisonous rays. (This sentence has too much info in it, try to break it up into two. Also not sure it belongs here, I like the following sentence better as a lead away from your first sentence.) She bears the black eyes and inhuman strength gained from an encounter with one of the Halves: grotesque creatures that murder humans (This is vague and somewhat cliche, try to provide a better description of what they are, it'll help immerse us in the world). The monstrous blood running through her veins is a constant reminder that she is less than human.

 

When Hemera gets stuck in a cave collapse, the handsome soldier Brice is her unlikely savior comes to her rescue (we don't know why he's unlikely, so it's better to drop that word and rephrase). The shared experience sparks a friendship that soon turns to love. But when Brice is captured by the Halves, Hemera is the only one willing to venture into distant, forbidden lands to find him.

 

Hemera soon learns that she faces more than the already formidable task of rescuing Brice. Creatures far deadlier than Halves are searching for her, desperate to harness her mutated blood to create a near-invincible army of monsters. With the war between humans and Halves imminent, and a new enemy hunting her, time is running out. Hemera must either escape with the one she loves, ensuring her blood is never obtained,the enemy never gets what it wants, or risk both their lives—and embrace the strength she has spent a lifetime suppressing—to face enemies on all sides in hopes that it is enough to defeat the enemy that threatens her.



#34 Artsnerd

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Posted 07 February 2018 - 10:44 AM

Repaying the query critique! :)

 

Dear [Agent],

 

Hemera is the only one of her kind. She is an outcast among her people in their underground cave system, which protects them from the never-setting sun’s poisonous rays. She bears the black eyes and inhuman strength gained from an encounter with one of the Halves: grotesque creatures that murder humans. The monstrous blood running through her veins is a constant reminder that she is less than human.  [I really like how you've established the character and the setting so quickly. It's quite the hook and is rather straight-forward. Nice!]

 

When Hemera gets stuck in a cave collapse, the handsome soldier Brice is her unlikely savior. The shared experience sparks a friendship that soon turns to love. But when Brice is captured by the Halves, Hemera is the only one willing to venture into distant, forbidden lands to find him. [The call to action is apparent--good job.]

 

Hemera soon learns that she faces more than the [I agree with Wayfarer--I think you should add "already" here] formidable task of rescuing Brice. Creatures far deadlier than Halves are searching for her, desperate to harness her mutated blood to create a near-invincible army of monsters. With the war between humans and Halves imminent, and a new enemy hunting her, time is running out. Hemera must either escape with the one she loves, ensuring the enemy never gets what it wants, or risk both their lives—and embrace the strength she has spent a lifetime suppressing—to face enemies on all sides. [This last sentence seems a bit long to me. Maybe try to split it into two sentences or so?]

 

Overall, I found this to be a pretty solid query. You're getting there! The posters before me have offered some really strong suggestions I think could guide you in the right direction. Your novel has an interesting premise; good job!


“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated.

In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.” 

―Maya Angelou

 

The query for my current WIP can be found here.

 

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