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CHANG AND THE TRANSDIMENSIONAL CARROT (Closed)

Fantasy Offbeat/Quirky Science Fiction

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#1 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 19 January 2018 - 01:21 PM

The most recent version:

 

JACK AVENS is a geriatric vegetable farmer bored with life. Living next door to Jack is his farming rival and reformed alcoholic, HAL STORMTHORD. Jack and Hal have never seen eye-to-eye, due to the fact Jack suspects Hal has secretly been in love with his wife, FERN, for decades.

 

After a wretched day, culminating in the disappearance of Jack’s dog, CHANG, he discovers a carrot. He picks it up, ready to throw it into the compost pile, but is transported to another realm instead.

 

He learns Hal is responsible for pulling himself and Chang into this dimension inside of the carrot, which is a distorted version of Jack’s farm. Hal is waiting for Jack, explaining he has constructed his diabolical scheme with the hope that their loss will drive Fern into his arms. Meanwhile, Fern has discovered the carrot in the real world and plans on eating it for dinner. If she consumes it, Jack and Chang will be trapped in the carrot-world forever. 

 

Hal set up his carrot-world so only those who consumed garlic can enter. He then snuck garlic into Jack and Chang’s food so they would get sucked into the carrot. Garlic is a food Fern despises, so she will remain unaffected as she cooks the carrot into dinner. 

 

Jack sets out, hoping he can find Chang and escape the carrot with her. He reflects on the terrible things he did to Hal years ago, when they opened their farms. Spiteful over Hal’s feelings for Fern, Jack sabotaged Hal’s farm. At the final Farmer’s Market of the year, he tied Hal up and forced him into a game of “Tomato Toss”, where people threw tomatoes at Hal to win a prize. Demoralized, Hal sank into alcoholism. 

 

Chang awakens in a village far from Jack, with no memory of who she is or how she got there. The village is populated with animal-human hybrids who sense nothing is amiss; to them, Chang has always been there. With her mindset now more human than dog, Chang continues on with a life she has no recollection of, growing discontent. Hal takes advantage of her in her confused state, coming to her in her dreams, manipulating her into thinking Jack is evil and must be destroyed. As time passes, her lingering memories of Jack fade entirely, and the only thing she has left are Hal’s lies. She joins Hal in a castle in the mountains above the village, where they wait for Jack to arrive.

 

Jack comes to a sea, believing Chang is at other end of it. He boards a ship to gain passage across the water. On the ship, he discovers a secret laboratory with a file folder containing information on a deadly retrovirus. The ship’s captain is responsible for creating the retrovirus, infecting members of the crew with it for experimental purposes.

 

Jack confronts the captain, who confesses he is part of an organization called the Daedalus Corporation, the same organization responsible for capturing Jack in the city. The captain states the Daedalus Corporation’s sole purpose is to destroy the world, before unleashing the newest strain of the virus through the ventilation system. Chaos ensues on the ship when the virus is released. Jack barely escapes, getting knocked unconscious in the process and washing ashore close to the village where Chang awoke in.

 

Hal can create the carrot-world because he is a higher-dimensional being able to manipulate time and reality. An unfortunate incident left him stranded on Earth, with no memory of his previous existence, leading him to believe he was human. As the years passed, he began to build worlds—something he thought was all in his mind—as a means to cope with his feelings for Fern. Bitter in his old age, he decided to exact revenge on Jack by creating the carrot-world and trapping him in it.

 

Jack learns the Daedalus Corporation is actually Hal’s own kind, THE ASCENDANTS, who have been trying to put a stop to the carrot-world. Unknown to Hal, his world has become unstable. If it collapses while Jack and Chang are in it, they will be erased from the timeline, creating an alternate one where Fern and Hal end up together but entirely miserable. 

 

Because the carrot-world is based off Hal’s mind, it perceives the Ascendants as a threat. Everything Jack sensed as dangerous was, in reality, Hal’s people trying to help him escape and put an end to the carrot-world. The deadly virus was their last-ditch effort to stop Hal, but it failed. Hal has become too powerful for them, leaving Jack the only one who can defeat Hal.

 

Jack locates Chang and Hal in the castle. Hal ties him to a pole, announcing he has set up his own game of “Tomato Toss” as Jack did to him years prior. His game has one special rule: for every tomato that hits Jack, a part of his life force is drained from him. This will leave Jack nothing but a hollow shell of his former self as he rots for eternity in the carrot. Hal then instructs Chang to throw the tomatoes and destroy Jack.

 

Chang’s suppressed memories of Jack surface and she comes to her senses, recognizing Jack as her true master and Hal as the villain. She attacks Hal with the tomatoes, distracting him so Jack can find an escape. Jack finds a bulb of golden garlic in the castle. He thinks, if garlic trapped them in the carrot-world perhaps garlic will offer them a way out as well. He throws the garlic to Chang, who then launches it at Hal, rendering him inert. With Hal defeated, the Ascendants are able to infiltrate the carrot-world, taking Hal back to their own realm before he can do anymore harm.

 

As the carrot-world crumbles away, Jack and Chang return to his farm, where Hal has been written out of the timeline. Jack reflects on his time trapped in the carrot, realizing he and Hal were similar in a lot of aspects, but what set them apart was Hal’s inability to let go and move on. He hopes Hal will find a peace he never found on Earth now he is back where he belongs. Jack decides to retire and go on a road trip with Chang and Fern, ready to live the rest of his time in contentment.



#2 smithgirl

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Posted 19 January 2018 - 08:27 PM

JACK AVENS is sixty-five and bored with life.  Despite the fact that he has a flourishing vegetable farm, Avens Gardens, and a loving wife, FERN, he just can’t shake the feeling of dissatisfaction deep in his bones.  Living next door to Jack is his loathsome neighbour and farming rival of the past thirty years, HAL STORMTHORD.  Jack and Hal have never seen eye-to-eye, mostly due to the fact that Jack suspects Hal has secretly been in love with Fern for the last three decades. I think this is a good opening paragraph.

 

After a wretched day out in the fields, culminating in the disappearance of Jack’s beloved dog comma CHANG comma he discovers what appears to be an ordinary carrot.  He picks it up, with the intent of tossing it into the compost pile, but is instead transported to another realm. against his will.

 

He learns that Hal is responsible for pulling both himself and Chang into this strange, new dimension.  So Hal is there, also? How is Hal responsible? Hal explains that Fern has found the carrot in the real world, which she intends to cook into a stir-fry for dinner.  Once she consumes it, Jack will be trapped inside of the carrot it for the rest of time.  Jack and Chang unknowingly consumed garlic, a food Fern despises, so that they would get sucked into the carrot but Fern would be unaffected when she touched it. This last sentence is confusing.

 

Hal reveals that he constructed this diabolical scheme so that he may finally be with Fern at last, and tells Jack that he must find Chang before Fern completes her stir-fry so that he will not be alone for eternity in the carrot-world. Since Hal wants Jack out of the way, I don't understand why he's telling Jack how to escape. I would think he would just abandon Jack in the carrot world forever.

 

As Jack sets out to find Chang, he reflects back on the terrible things he did to Hal thirty years ago, when they both opened their farms.  Out of jealously for Hal’s feelings for over Fern, Jack slowly sabotaged Hal’s farm, giving him unsound gardening advice, throwing rocks into his fields, and switching out all of Hal’s fresh produce at the Farmer’s Market for rotted vegetables.  At the final Farmer’s Market of the year, he tied Hal up against his will and forced him to participate in a game of “Tomato Toss comma” where people paid money to throw tomatoes at Hal in order to win a prize.  Humiliated and defeated, Hal vowed that he would one day seek his revenge on Jack.

 

Hal sets to work on Chang, brainwashing her in her confused state into thinking that Jack is evil and must be destroyed. It is revealed that Hal is capable of creating the carrot-world because he is a higher-dimensional being able to manipulate time and reality.  Don't write something like it is revealed. An unfortunate incident left him stranded on Earth, with no memory of his previous existence, leading him to believe he was human.  As the years passed, he began to build worlds — something he thought was all in his mind — as a means to cope with his feelings for Fern.

 

Bitter and miserable in his old age, he finally decided to seek his retribution on Jack by creating the carrot-world and trapping him in it.  Unknown to Hal, his world has grown too large and has become unstable.  If it collapses while Jack and Chang are in it, they will be erased from the timeline, altering Fern’s life drastically for the worse. So this is why Hal is helping Jack escape? But at the same, Hal is also brainwashing Chang to attack Jack. ??

 

The closer Jack comes to finding Chang, the more he realizes that he deserves to be trapped in the carrot. If he did not meddle in the affairs of Hal’s farm all those years ago, then maybe Hal would never have been pushed over the edge to create the carrot-world in the first place.  He is deeply ashamed of his actions, and knows that he is now paying the price for them. 

 

Jack finally locates Chang and Hal, in a castle high in the mountains.  Upon entering the castle, he is captured and tied to a pole.  Who captures him and ties him to a pole? Is it Hal? Hal announces that he has set up his very own game of “Tomato Toss” just as Jack did to him years prior.  His game has one special rule, though: for every tomato that hits Jack, a small part of his life force will be drained from him.  He then instructs Chang to begin throwing the tomatoes to destroy Jack. Chang the dog can throw tomatoes? So Chang gets some special powers in the carrot world.

 

Chang comes to her senses, recognizing Jack as her true master and Hal as the villain.  She beings to attack Hal with the tomatoes instead, distracting him long enough for Jack to find a means of escape. So Chang is more than an ordinary dog. I wonder if you could clarify that, or indicate that Chang is somehow transformed inside the carrot world. Jack discovers a bulb of golden garlic hidden in the castle.  He thinks the that garlic was what trapped him and Chang in the carrot, so perhaps garlic will offer them a way out as well.  He throws the garlic to Chang, who then launches it at Hal.  It renders him Hal?inert, and he is transported back to his own realm. The first time I read this, I thought that realm just mean the world he shared with Jack.  Maybe clarify it's the realm he originated from. Jack hopes that Hal will finally find a peace he never found on Earth now that he is back where he belongs.

 

As the carrot-world crumbles away, Jack and Chang return to the safety of Avens Gardens, where Hal has been written out of the timeline entirely.  Jack reflects back on his time trapped in the carrot, realizing that he him and Hal were similar in a lot of aspects, but what set them apart was Hal’s inability to let go and move on.  Jack decides to finally retire and go on a road trip with Chang and Fern, with the intent on living out the rest of his time in contentment.

 

Hi Disgruntled. Your synopsis wasn't bad at all. My biggest concern is that it's long for a query (~900 words), and most synopses should generally run ~ 600 words. Despite the length, it doesn't have a long "feel" to it -- the story doesn't feel overly convoluted. But you should be aware that agents might want something shorter. Aside from the length, I made some comments about things I thought were unclear. If you get a chance, can you please look at my query? Thanks! http://agentquerycon...evised-post-12/



#3 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 21 January 2018 - 11:38 AM

Thank you so much :) I really needed a fresh pair of eyes to look at this.  When you've been invested in the story for so long, certain things that feel like second-nature actually need a lot of explanation to an outside reader.



#4 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 02 February 2018 - 10:29 AM

I have been banging my head against the keyboard trying to work this thing out.  If writing the query is hell, then writing the synopsis is most certainly the devil himself.  I would appreciate it very much if anyone would care to look at this, and I will return the favour :)

 

JACK AVENS is sixty-five and bored with life.  Despite the fact he has a flourishing vegetable farm, Avens Gardens, and a loving wife, FERN, he can’t shake the feeling of dissatisfaction deep in his bones.  Living next door to Jack is his farming rival and reformed alcoholic HAL STORMTHORD.  Jack and Hal have never seen eye-to-eye, mostly due to the fact Jack suspects Hal has secretly been in love with Fern for the last three decades.

 

After a wretched day out in the fields, culminating in the disappearance of Jack’s beloved dog, CHANG, he discovers what appears to be an ordinary carrot.  He picks it up, with the intent of tossing it into the compost pile, but is instead transported to another realm.

He learns Hal is responsible for pulling both himself and Chang into this new dimension.  Hal explains he constructed this diabolical scheme with the hope their loss will drive Fern into his arms.  Meanwhile, Fern has discovered the carrot back in the real world and plans on eating it for dinner.  If she consumes it, Jack and Chang will be trapped in the carrot-world forever.  

 

Hal set up his world so only those who consumed garlic twenty-four hours prior can enter.  He then snuck garlic into Jack and Chang’s food so they would get sucked into the world.  Garlic is a food Fern despises, so she will remain unaffected as she cooks the carrot into dinner. 

 

As Jack sets out to rescue Chang, he reflects back on the terrible things he did to Hal thirty years ago, when they both opened their farms.  Out of jealously for Hal’s feelings for Fern, Jack sabotaged Hal’s farm, giving him unsound gardening advice, throwing rocks into his fields, and switching out Hal’s fresh produce at the Farmer’s Market for rotted vegetables.  At the final Farmer’s Market of the year, he tied Hal up and forced him to participate in a game of “Tomato Toss”, where people paid money to throw tomatoes at Hal in order to win a prize.  Broken and defeated, Hal down-spiralled into alcoholism. 

 

Chang has become self-aware inside the carrot, and Hal sets to work brainwashing her in her confused state into thinking Jack is evil and must be destroyed.  Hal is capable of creating the carrot-world because he is a higher-dimensional being able to manipulate time and reality.  An unfortunate incident left him stranded on Earth, with no memory of his previous existence, leading him to believe he was human.  As the years passed, he began to build worlds — something he thought was all in his mind — as a means to cope with his feelings for Fern.

 

Bitter and miserable in his old age, he finally decided to exact his revenge on Jack by creating the carrot-world and trapping him in it.  Unknown to Hal, his world has become unstable.  If it collapses while Jack and Chang are in it, they will be erased from the timeline, creating an alternate one where Fern and Hal end up together but entirely miserable.

 

Hal’s own kind, THE ASCENDANTS, have learned of Hal’s carrot-world and are attempting to put an end to it, but Hal has become too powerful for them, leaving Jack to be the only one who can defeat Hal.

 

The closer Jack comes to finding Chang, the more he realizes he deserves to be trapped in the carrot.  If he did not meddle in the affairs of Hal’s farm all those years ago, then maybe Hal would never have been pushed over the edge to create the carrot-world.  He is deeply ashamed of his actions, and knows he is now paying the price for them.  

 

Jack finally locates Chang and Hal in a castle.  Hal ties him to a pole, announcing he has set up his very own game of “Tomato Toss” as Jack did to him years prior.  His game has one special rule: for every tomato that hits Jack, a part of his life force is drained from him.  He then instructs Chang to throw the tomatoes and destroy Jack.

 

Chang comes to her senses, recognizing Jack as her true master and Hal as the villain.  She beings to attack Hal with the tomatoes instead, distracting him long enough for Jack to find a means of escape.  Jack discovers a bulb of golden garlic hidden in the castle.  He thinks garlic was what trapped him and Chang in the carrot, so perhaps garlic will offer them a way out as well.  He throws the garlic to Chang, who then launches it at Hal, rendering him inert.  With Hal defeated, the Ascendants are finally able to infiltrate the carrot-world, taking Hal back to their own realm before he can do anymore harm.

 

As the carrot-world crumbles away, Jack and Chang return to the safety of Avens Gardens, where Hal has been written out of the timeline entirely.  Jack reflects on his time trapped in the carrot, realizing he and Hal were similar in a lot of aspects, but what set them apart was Hal’s inability to let go and move on.  He hopes Hal will finally find a peace he never found on Earth now he is back where he belongs.  Jack decides to finally retire and go on a road trip with Chang and Fern, with the intent on living out the rest of his time in contentment.



#5 MICRONESIA

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Posted 04 February 2018 - 11:10 AM

JACK AVENS is sixty-five and bored with life.  Despite the fact he has a flourishing vegetable farm, Avens Gardens, and a loving wife, FERN, he can’t shake the feeling of dissatisfaction deep in his bones.  Living next door to Jack is his farming rival and reformed alcoholic HAL STORMTHORD.  Jack and Hal have never seen eye-to-eye, mostly due to the fact Jack suspects Hal has secretly been in love with Fern for the last three decades.

 

After a wretched day out in the fields, culminating in the disappearance of Jack’s beloved dog, CHANG, he discovers what appears to be an ordinary carrot.  He picks it up, with the intent of tossing it into the compost pile, but is instead transported to another realm.

He learns Hal is responsible for pulling both himself and Chang into this new dimension. Oh man. HUGE missed opportunity to describe this world! One or two sentences will do. Hal explains For example: where the hell is Hal? This is hard to picture. he constructed this diabolical scheme with the hope their loss will drive Fern into his arms.  Meanwhile, Fern has discovered the carrot back in the real world and plans on eating it for dinner.  If she consumes it, Jack and Chang will be trapped in the carrot-world forever. Now I'm asking questions. Why does she have to eat it? Why doesn't Hal just eat the damn thing himself? Or puree it?

 

Hal set up his world so only those who consumed garlic twenty-four hours prior can enter.  He then snuck garlic into Jack and Chang’s food so they would get sucked into the world.  Garlic is a food Fern despises, so she will remain unaffected as she cooks the carrot into dinner. LOL. Okay. I'm still going along with this!

 

As Jack sets out to rescue Chang, Rescue Chang from what? I thought they went to the carrot world together. he reflects back on the terrible things he did to Hal thirty years ago, when they both opened their farms.  Out of jealously for Hal’s feelings for Fern, Jack sabotaged Hal’s farm, giving him unsound gardening advice, throwing rocks into his fields, and switching out Hal’s fresh produce at the Farmer’s Market for rotted vegetables.  At the final Farmer’s Market of the year, he tied Hal up and forced him to participate in a game of “Tomato Toss”, where people paid money to throw tomatoes at Hal in order to win a prize.  Broken and defeated, Hal down-spiralled Just say something like "sank." into alcoholism. 

 

Chang has become self-aware inside the carrot, What does this mean? and Hal sets to work brainwashing her in her confused state into thinking Jack is evil and must be destroyed. Now I'm picturing some kind of Clockwork Orange thing -- inside a carrot world that by now I'm just assuming is vaguely orangeish. Hal is capable of creating the carrot-world because he is a higher-dimensional being able to manipulate time and reality.  An unfortunate incident left him stranded on Earth, with no memory of his previous existence, leading him to believe he was human.  As the years passed, he began to build worlds — something he thought was all in his mind — as a means to cope with his feelings for Fern.

 

Bitter and miserable in his old age, he finally decided to exact his revenge on Jack by creating the carrot-world and trapping him in it.  Unknown to Hal, his world has become unstable.  If it collapses while Jack and Chang are in it, they will be erased from the timeline, creating an alternate one where Fern and Hal end up together but entirely miserable. Jack is a virtual unknown at this point. I also have a tough time seeing much... movement. Is most of the book told in flashbacks? Conversations revealing information?

 

Hal’s own kind, THE ASCENDANTS, have learned of Hal’s carrot-world and are attempting to put an end to it, but Hal has become too powerful for them, leaving Jack to be the only one who can defeat Hal.

 

The closer Jack comes to finding Chang, the more he realizes he deserves to be trapped in the carrot.  If he did not meddle in the affairs of Hal’s farm all those years ago, then maybe Hal would never have been pushed over the edge to create the carrot-world.  He is deeply ashamed of his actions, and knows he is now paying the price for them.  

 

Jack finally locates Chang and Hal in a castle.  Hal ties him to a pole, announcing he has set up his very own game of “Tomato Toss” as Jack did to him years prior.  His game has one special rule: for every tomato that hits Jack, a part of his life force is drained from him.  He then instructs Chang to throw the tomatoes and destroy Jack. 

 

Chang comes to her senses, recognizing Jack as her true master and Hal as the villain. I don't have a clear picture of this whole Jack/Chang dynamic. Why is she even turning on him in the first place? JUST because she's brainwashed? There's got to be more to it than that! She beings to attack Hal with the tomatoes instead, You didn't see this coming, Hal??? distracting him long enough for Jack to find a means of escape.  Jack discovers a bulb of golden garlic hidden in the castle.  He thinks garlic was what trapped him and Chang in the carrot, so perhaps garlic will offer them a way out as well.  He throws the garlic to Chang, who then launches it at Hal, rendering him inert.  With Hal defeated, the Ascendants are finally able to infiltrate the carrot-world, taking Hal back to their own realm before he can do anymore harm.

 

As the carrot-world crumbles away, Jack and Chang return to the safety of Avens Gardens, where Hal has been written out of the timeline entirely.  Jack reflects on his time trapped in the carrot, realizing he and Hal were similar in a lot of aspects, but what set them apart was Hal’s inability to let go and move on.  He hopes Hal will finally find a peace he never found on Earth now he is back where he belongs.  Jack decides to finally retire and go on a road trip with Chang and Fern, with the intent on living out the rest of his time in contentment.

 

Wow. THAT was a mindfuck!

 

Uh... I left some comments in there. I think? Who am I? Why am I here? Is this real life?



#6 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 04 February 2018 - 11:51 AM

Thanks for looking taking the time to look through this :) I realized when writing this that I basically neglect Jack the entire time in favour of explaining Hal.  I cut out 95% of Jack's time in the carrot to keep it short.  I'm trying to go back to keep it more in line with Jack's side of things, but then the synopsis starts becoming a novel in itself.  The story isn't told in a linear timeline, so I'm really struggling to dissect the very spine of it and tell what's essential, because the story is very busy and layered.  Meh, meh, meh.

Chang in the book too has an entire storyline explaining more in detail her struggles, but yet again, I had to omit that, and I'm not sure how to expand it without taking up 500 plus words.

And thank you for raising some good points about the first time they're in the carrot - you're right, I completely missed an opportunity to describe things because I was so focused on just getting the info out there.

Why do most agents want a synopsis as well :0 Why can't they just want some damn sample pages.  Everyone knows a synopsis is never good!



#7 PureZhar3

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Posted 10 February 2018 - 01:11 PM

I have been banging my head against the keyboard trying to work this thing out.  If writing the query is hell, then writing the synopsis is most certainly the devil himself.  I would appreciate it very much if anyone would care to look at this, and I will return the favour :)

 

JACK AVENS is sixty-five and bored with life.  Despite the fact he has a flourishing vegetable farm, Avens Gardens, ​due to where this is located, it almost reads as if Avens Garden is something else he has than the name of his vegetable farm. I would eliminate it and a loving wife, FERN, he can’t shake the feeling of dissatisfaction deep in his bones.  Living next door to Jack is his farming rival and reformed alcoholic HAL STORMTHORD.  Jack and Hal have never seen eye-to-eye, mostly due to the fact Jack suspects Hal has secretly been in love with Fern for the last three decades.

 

After a wretched day out in the fields, culminating in the disappearance of Jack’s beloved dog, CHANG, he discovers what appears to be an ordinary carrot.  He picks it up, with the intent of tossing it into the compost pile, but is instead transported to another realm.

He learns Hal is responsible for pulling both himself and Chang into this new dimension.  Hal explains he constructed this diabolical scheme with the hope their loss will drive Fern into his arms.  Meanwhile, Fern has discovered the carrot back in the real world and plans on eating it for dinner.  If she consumes it, Jack and Chang will be trapped in the carrot-world forever.  

 

Hal set up his world so only those who consumed garlic twenty-four hours prior can enter.  He then snuck garlic into Jack and Chang’s food so they would get sucked into the world.  Garlic is a food Fern despises, so she will remain unaffected as she cooks the carrot into dinner. 

 

As Jack sets out to rescue Chang ​I kind of forgot that he wasn't with Chang, since she had disappeared earlier that day, he reflects back on the terrible things he did to Hal thirty years ago, when they both opened their farms.  Out of jealously for Hal’s feelings for Fern ​can you make this more concise? and was it jealousy? or spite or something like that?, Jack sabotaged Hal’s farm ​by giving him unsound gardening advice, throwing rocks into his fields, and switching out Hal’s fresh produce at the Farmer’s Market for rotted vegetables.  ​lonnggg sentenceAt the final Farmer’s Market of the year, he tied Hal up and forced him to participate in a game of “Tomato Toss”, where people paid money to throw tomatoes at Hal in order to win a prize.  Broken and defeated, Hal down-spiralled into alcoholism. ​that's depressing

 

Chang has become self-aware inside the carrot, and Hal sets to work brainwashing her in her confused state into thinking Jack is evil and must be destroyed. Hal is capable of creating the carrot-world because he is a higher-dimensional being able to manipulate time and reality.  An unfortunate incident left him stranded on Earth, with no memory of his previous existence, leading him to believe he was human.  As the years passed, he began to build worlds — something he thought was all in his mind — as a means to cope with his feelings for Fern.

 

Bitter and miserable in his old age, he finally decided to exact his revenge on Jack by creating the carrot-world and trapping him in it.  Unknown to Hal, his world has become unstable.  If it collapses while Jack and Chang are in it, they will be erased from the timeline, creating an alternate one where Fern and Hal end up together but entirely miserable.

 

Hal’s own kind, THE ASCENDANTS, have learned of Hal’s carrot-world and are attempting to put an end to it, but Hal has become too powerful for them, leaving Jack to be the only one who can defeat Hal. ​huh. that was a bit sudden. better transition?

 

The closer Jack comes to finding Chang, the more he realizes he deserves to be trapped in the carrot.  If he did not meddle in the affairs of Hal’s farm all those years ago, then maybe Hal would never have been pushed over the edge to create the carrot-world.  He is deeply ashamed of his actions, and knows he is now paying the price for them.  

 

Jack finally locates Chang and Hal in a castle.  Hal ties him to a pole, announcing he has set up his very own game of “Tomato Toss” as Jack did to him years prior.  His game has one special rule: for every tomato that hits Jack, a part of his life force is drained from him. ​the whole 'life force' thing is a bit sudden He then instructs Chang to throw the tomatoes and destroy Jack.

 

Chang comes to her senses, recognizing Jack as her true master and Hal as the villain. ​how so? that seems important She beings to attack Hal with the tomatoes instead, distracting him long enough for Jack to find a means of escape.  Jack discovers a bulb of golden garlic hidden in the castle.  He thinks garlic was what trapped him and Chang in the carrot, so perhaps garlic will offer them a way out as well.  He throws the garlic to Chang, who then launches it at Hal, rendering him inert.  With Hal defeated, the Ascendants are finally able to infiltrate the carrot-world, taking Hal back to their own realm before he can do anymore harm.

 

As the carrot-world crumbles away, Jack and Chang return to the safety of Avens Gardens ​his farm, where Hal has been written out of the timeline entirely.  Jack reflects on his time trapped in the carrot, realizing he and Hal were similar in a lot of aspects, but what set them apart was Hal’s inability to let go and move on.  He hopes Hal will finally find a peace he never found on Earth now that he is back where he belongs.  Jack decides to finally retire and go on a road trip with Chang and Fern, with the intent on living out the rest of his time in contentment.

​Cool! I understood this more or less. There were a few sudden, jolting aspects of "that's a magical element I didn't see coming". But overall, I got the plot and what was going on. 


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#8 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 12 February 2018 - 04:11 PM

Third time's the charm, right? AHAHAHA, yeah right.  I added in more of the storyline of Jack and Chang, hopefully it helped instead of raised more questions.  And yes,  I know this is looooong.  If anyone has suggestions where I can cut length, it would be greatly appreciated.  

 

And I will return the favour if anyone attempts to look over this beast! 

 

JACK AVENS is sixty-five and bored with life.  Despite the fact he has a flourishing vegetable farm and a loving wife, FERN, he can’t shake the feeling of dissatisfaction in his bones.  Living next door to Jack is his farming rival and reformed alcoholic, HAL STORMTHORD.  Jack and Hal have never seen eye-to-eye, due to the fact Jack suspects Hal has secretly been in love with Fern for the last three decades.

 

After a wretched day in the fields, culminating in the disappearance of Jack’s beloved dog, CHANG, he discovers a carrot.  He picks it up, ready to throw it into the compost pile, but is transported to another realm instead.

 

He learns Hal is responsible for pulling himself and Chang into this new dimension, which is a distorted version of Jack's farm.  Hal presents himself as an omnipotent being, explaining he has constructed this diabolical scheme with the hope their loss will drive Fern into his arms.  Meanwhile, Fern has discovered the carrot back in the real world and plans on eating it for dinner.  If she consumes it, Jack and Chang will be trapped in the carrot-world forever.  

 

Hal set up his world so only those who consumed garlic twenty-four hours prior can enter.  He then snuck garlic into Jack and Chang’s food so they would get sucked into the carrot.  Garlic is a food Fern despises, so she will remain unaffected as she cooks the carrot into dinner. 

 

Jack sets out, hoping he can find Chang and escape the carrot with her.  He reflects on the terrible things he did to Hal years ago, when they opened their farms.  Spiteful over Hal’s feelings for Fern, Jack sabotaged Hal’s farm.  At the final Farmer’s Market of the year, he tied Hal up and forced him into a game of “Tomato Toss”, where people threw tomatoes at Hal to win a prize.  Demoralized, Hal sank into alcoholism. 

 

Jack enters a decimated city.  As he navigates through the treacherous downtown, he is abducted and his mind gets trapped between two false realities, one where he believes he is an Italian Mobster, and the other where Fern has left him for Hal.  He breaks free of the dual-realities, waking up in a basement laboratory with the city collapsing around him.  He has no answers as to who captured him or why, barely escaping the city before it is reduced to rubble.

 

Chang awakens in a village far from Jack, with no memory of who she is or how she got there.  The village is populated with animal-human hybrids who sense nothing is amiss; to them, Chang has always been there.  Now self-aware, Chang continues on with a life she has no recollection of, growing discontent.  Hal takes advantage of her in her confused state, coming to her as a dragon in her dreams, manipulating her into thinking Jack is evil and must be destroyed.  At first, she does not want to believe him, but as time passes, her lingering memories of Jack fade entirely, and the only thing she has left are Hal’s lies.  She joins Hal in a castle in the mountains above the village, where they wait for Jack to arrive.

 

Jack comes to a sea, believing Chang is at other end of it.  He boards a ship, which resembles a giant kohlrabi plant, to gain passage across the water.  On the ship, he discovers a secret deck, which houses a laboratory similar to the one in the city.  He finds a file folder containing information on a deadly retrovirus.  The ship’s captain is responsible for creating the retrovirus, infecting members of the crew with it for experimental purposes.

 

Jack confronts the captain, who confesses he is part of an organization called the Daedalus Corporation, the same organization responsible for capturing Jack in the city.  The captain states the Daedalus Corporation’s sole purpose is to destroy the world, before unleashing the newest strain of the virus through the ventilation system.  Chaos ensues on the ship when the virus is released.  Jack barely escapes, getting knocked unconscious in the process and washing ashore close to the village where Chang awoke in.

 

Hal can create the carrot-world because he is a higher-dimensional being able to manipulate time and reality.  An unfortunate incident left him stranded on Earth, with no memory of his previous existence, leading him to believe he was human.  As the years passed, he began to build worlds — something he thought was all in his mind — as a means to cope with his feelings for Fern.  Bitter in his old age, he finally decided to exact revenge on Jack by creating the carrot-world and trapping him in it.

 

Jack learns the Daedalus Corporation is actually Hal’s own kind, THE ASCENDANTS, who have been trying to put a stop to the carrot-world.  Unknown to Hal, his world has become unstable.  If it collapses while Jack and Chang are in it, they will be erased from the timeline, creating an alternate one where Fern and Hal end up together but entirely miserable.  

 

Because the carrot-world is based off Hal’s mind, it perceives the Ascendants as a threat.  Everything Jack sensed as dangerous was, in reality, Hal’s people, trying to help him escape and put an end to the carrot-world.  The deadly virus was their last-ditch effort to stop Hal, but it failed.  Hal has become too powerful for them, leaving Jack the only one who can defeat Hal.

 

Jack locates Chang and Hal in the castle.  Hal ties him to a pole, announcing he has set up his own game of “Tomato Toss” as Jack did to him years prior.  His game has one special rule: for every tomato that hits Jack, a part of his life force is drained from him.  This will leave Jack nothing but a hollow shell of his former self as he rots for eternity in the carrot.  Hal then instructs Chang to throw the tomatoes and destroy Jack.

 

Chang’s suppressed memories of Jack surface and she comes to her senses, recognizing Jack as her true master and Hal as the villain.  She attacks Hal with the tomatoes, distracting him so Jack can find an escape.  Jack finds a bulb of golden garlic in the castle.  He thinks garlic was what trapped him and Chang in the carrot, so perhaps garlic will offer them a way out as well.  He throws the garlic to Chang, who then launches it at Hal, rendering him inert.  With Hal defeated, the Ascendants are able to infiltrate the carrot-world, taking Hal back to their own realm before he can do anymore harm.

 

As the carrot-world crumbles away, Jack and Chang return to his farm, where Hal has been written out of the timeline.  Jack reflects on his time trapped in the carrot, realizing he and Hal were similar in a lot of aspects, but what set them apart was Hal’s inability to let go and move on.  He hopes Hal will find a peace he never found on Earth now he is back where he belongs.  Jack decides to retire and go on a road trip with Chang and Fern, ready to live the rest of his time in contentment.



#9 Emily804

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Posted 26 February 2018 - 02:15 PM

Third time's the charm, right? AHAHAHA, yeah right.  I added in more of the storyline of Jack and Chang, hopefully it helped instead of raised more questions.  And yes,  I know this is looooong.  If anyone has suggestions where I can cut length, it would be greatly appreciated.  

 

And I will return the favour if anyone attempts to look over this beast! 

 

JACK AVENS is sixty-five and bored with life.  Despite the fact he has a flourishing vegetable farm and a loving wife, FERN, he can’t shake the feeling of dissatisfaction in his bones.  Living next door to Jack is his farming rival and reformed alcoholic, HAL STORMTHORD.  Jack and Hal have never seen eye-to-eye, due to the fact Jack suspects Hal has secretly been in love with Fern for the last three decades.

 

After a wretched day in the fields, culminating in the disappearance of Jack’s beloved dog, CHANG, he discovers a carrot.  He picks it up, ready to throw it into the compost pile, but is transported to another realm instead.

 

He learns Hal is responsible for pulling himself and Chang into this new dimension, which is a distorted version of Jack's farm.  Hal presents himself as an omnipotent being, explaining he has constructed this diabolical scheme with the hope their loss will drive Fern into his arms.  Meanwhile, Fern has discovered the carrot back in the real world and plans on eating it for dinner.  (How is Hal communicating with them if he is not inside of the carrot and Fern has the carrot? Why wouldn't Hal just destroy the carrot immediately after they are trapped inside of it?) If she consumes it, Jack and Chang will be trapped in the carrot-world forever.  

 

Hal set up his world so only those who consumed garlic twenty-four hours prior can enter.  He then snuck garlic into Jack and Chang’s food so they would get sucked into the carrot.  Garlic is a food Fern despises, so she will remain unaffected as she cooks the carrot into dinner. ​(So touching the carrot transports you to another world, and the world is not inside of the carrot, but the carrot transports you there?)

 

Jack sets out, hoping he can find Chang and escape the carrot with her.  He reflects on the terrible things he did to Hal years ago, when they opened their farms.  Spiteful over Hal’s feelings for Fern, Jack sabotaged Hal’s farm.  At the final Farmer’s Market of the year, he tied Hal up and forced him into a game of “Tomato Toss”, where people threw tomatoes at Hal to win a prize.  Demoralized, Hal sank into alcoholism. 

 

Jack enters a decimated city.  As he navigates through the treacherous downtown, he is abducted and his mind gets trapped between two false realities, one where he believes he is an Italian Mobster, and the other where Fern has left him for Hal.  He breaks free of the dual-realities, waking up in a basement laboratory with the city collapsing around him.  He has no answers as to who captured him or why, barely escaping the city before it is reduced to rubble.

 

Chang awakens in a village far from Jack, with no memory of who she is or how she got there.  The village is populated with animal-human hybrids who sense nothing is amiss; to them, Chang has always been there.  Now self-aware, Chang continues on with a life she has no recollection of, growing discontent. (How is she self-aware if she has no recollection of her past life?) Hal takes advantage of her in her confused state, coming to her as a dragon in her dreams, manipulating her into thinking Jack is evil and must be destroyed.  At first, she does not want to believe him, but as time passes, her lingering memories of Jack fade entirely, and the only thing she has left are Hal’s lies.  She joins Hal in a castle in the mountains above the village, where they wait for Jack to arrive.

 

Jack comes to a sea, believing Chang is at other end of it.  He boards a ship, which resembles a giant kohlrabi plant, to gain passage across the water.  On the ship, he discovers a secret deck, which houses a laboratory similar to the one in the city.  He finds a file folder containing information on a deadly retrovirus.  The ship’s captain is responsible for creating the retrovirus, infecting members of the crew with it for experimental purposes.

 

Jack confronts the captain, who confesses he is part of an organization called the Daedalus Corporation, the same organization responsible for capturing Jack in the city.  The captain states the Daedalus Corporation’s sole purpose is to destroy the world, before unleashing the newest strain of the virus through the ventilation system.  Chaos ensues on the ship when the virus is released.  Jack barely escapes, getting knocked unconscious in the process and washing ashore close to the village where Chang awoke in.

 

Hal can create the carrot-world because he is a higher-dimensional being able to manipulate time and reality.  An unfortunate incident left him stranded on Earth, with no memory of his previous existence, leading him to believe he was human.  As the years passed, he began to build worlds — something he thought was all in his mind — as a means to cope with his feelings for Fern.  Bitter in his old age, he finally decided to exact revenge on Jack by creating the carrot-world and trapping him in it.

 

Jack learns the Daedalus Corporation is actually Hal’s own kind, THE ASCENDANTS, ​(consider revising the phrasing here) who have been trying to put a stop to the carrot-world.  Unknown to Hal, his world has become unstable.  If it collapses while Jack and Chang are in it, they will be erased from the timeline, creating an alternate one where Fern and Hal end up together but entirely miserable.  ​(Miserable how? Why would they be miserable?)

 

Because the carrot-world is based off Hal’s mind, it perceives the Ascendants as a threat.  Everything Jack sensed as dangerous was, in reality, Hal’s people, trying to help him escape and put an end to the carrot-world.  The deadly virus was their last-ditch effort to stop Hal, but it failed.  Hal has become too powerful for them, leaving Jack the only one who can defeat Hal.

 

Jack locates Chang and Hal in the castle.  Hal ties him to a pole, announcing he has set up his own game of “Tomato Toss” as Jack did to him years prior.  His game has one special rule: for every tomato that hits Jack, a part of his life force is drained from him.  This will leave Jack nothing but a hollow shell of his former self as he rots for eternity in the carrot.  Hal then instructs Chang to throw the tomatoes and destroy Jack.

 

Chang’s suppressed memories of Jack surface and she comes to her senses, recognizing Jack as her true master and Hal as the villain.  She attacks Hal with the tomatoes, distracting him so Jack can find an escape.  Jack finds a bulb of golden garlic in the castle.  He thinks garlic was what trapped him and Chang in the carrot, so perhaps garlic will offer them a way out as well.  He throws the garlic to Chang, who then launches it at Hal, rendering him inert.  With Hal defeated, the Ascendants are able to infiltrate the carrot-world, taking Hal back to their own realm before he can do anymore harm.

 

As the carrot-world crumbles away, Jack and Chang return to his farm, where Hal has been written out of the timeline.  Jack reflects on his time trapped in the carrot, realizing he and Hal were similar in a lot of aspects, but what set them apart was Hal’s inability to let go and move on.  He hopes Hal will find a peace he never found on Earth now he is back where he belongs.  Jack decides to retire and go on a road trip with Chang and Fern, ready to live the rest of his time in contentment.

 

Overall this is really good, and I think you're almost there. Above, I wrote a few comments about what you should consider revising and clarifying. 


Query Compatibility YA sci-fi: http://agentquerycon...lity-ya-sci-fi/


#10 Wayfarer

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Posted 03 March 2018 - 11:25 AM

JACK AVENS is sixty-five and bored with life.  Despite the fact he has a flourishing vegetable farm and a loving wife, FERN, he can’t shake the feeling of dissatisfaction deep in his bones.  Living next door to Jack is his farming rival and reformed alcoholic, HAL STORMTHORD.  Jack and Hal have never seen eye-to-eye, due to the fact Jack suspects Hal has secretly been in love with Fern for the last three decades.

 

After a wretched day in the fields, culminating in the disappearance of Jack’s beloved dog, CHANG, he discovers a carrot.  He picks it up, ready to throw it into the compost pile, but is transported to another realm instead.

 

He learns Hal is responsible for pulling himself and Chang into this dimension inside of the carrot, which is a distorted version of Jack’s farm.  Hal is waiting for Jack in the thyme patch, explaining he has constructed his diabolical scheme with the hope that their loss will drive Fern into his arms.  Meanwhile, Fern has discovered the carrot in the real world and plans on eating it for dinner.  If she consumes it, Jack and Chang will be trapped in the carrot-world forever.  

 

Hal set up his carrot-world so only those who consumed garlic twenty-four hours prior can enter.  He then snuck garlic into Jack and Chang’s food so they would get sucked into the carrot.  Garlic is a food Fern despises, so she will remain unaffected as she cooks the carrot into dinner. 

 

Jack sets out, hoping he can find Chang and escape the carrot with her.  He reflects on the terrible things he did to Hal years ago, when they opened their farms.  Spiteful over Hal’s feelings for Fern, Jack sabotaged Hal’s farm.  At the final Farmer’s Market of the year, he tied Hal up and forced him into a game of “Tomato Toss”, where people threw tomatoes at Hal to win a prize.  Demoralized, Hal sank into alcoholism. 

 

Jack enters a decimated city.  As he navigates through the treacherous downtown, he is abducted and his mind gets trapped between two false realities, one where he believes he is an Italian Mobster, and the other where Fern has left him for Hal.  He breaks free of the dual-realities, waking up in a basement laboratory with the city collapsing around him.  He has no answers as to who captured him or why, barely escaping the city before it is reduced to rubble.

 

Chang awakens in a village far from Jack, with no memory of who she is or how she got there.  The village is populated with animal-human hybrids who sense nothing is amiss; to them, Chang has always been there.  With her mindset now more human than dog, Chang continues on with a life she has no recollection of, growing discontent.  Hal takes advantage of her in her confused state, coming to her as a dragon in her dreams, manipulating her into thinking Jack is evil and must be destroyed.  At first, she does not want to believe him, but as time passes, her lingering memories of Jack fade entirely, and the only thing she has left are Hal’s lies.  She joins Hal in a castle in the mountains above the village, where they wait for Jack to arrive.

 

Jack comes to a sea, believing Chang is at other end of it.  He boards a ship, which resembles a giant kohlrabi plant, to gain passage across the water.  On the ship, he discovers a secret deck, which houses a laboratory similar to the one in the city.  He finds a file folder containing information on a deadly retrovirus.  The ship’s captain is responsible for creating the retrovirus, infecting members of the crew with it for experimental purposes.

 

Jack confronts the captain, who confesses he is part of an organization called the Daedalus Corporation, the same organization responsible for capturing Jack in the city.  The captain states the Daedalus Corporation’s sole purpose is to destroy the world, before unleashing the newest strain of the virus through the ventilation system.  Chaos ensues on the ship when the virus is released.  Jack barely escapes, getting knocked unconscious in the process and washing ashore close to the village where Chang awoke in.

 

Hal can create the carrot-world because he is a higher-dimensional being able to manipulate time and reality.  An unfortunate incident left him stranded on Earth, with no memory of his previous existence, leading him to believe he was human.  As the years passed, he began to build worlds — something he thought was all in his mind — as a means to cope with his feelings for Fern.  Bitter in his old age, he decided to exact revenge on Jack by creating the carrot-world and trapping him in it.

 

Jack learns the Daedalus Corporation is actually Hal’s own kind, THE ASCENDANTS, who have been trying to put a stop to the carrot-world.  Unknown to Hal, his world has become unstable.  If it collapses while Jack and Chang are in it, they will be erased from the timeline, creating an alternate one where Fern and Hal end up together but entirely miserable.  

 

Because the carrot-world is based off Hal’s mind, it perceives the Ascendants as a threat.  Everything Jack sensed as dangerous was, in reality, Hal’s people trying to help him escape and put an end to the carrot-world.  The deadly virus was their last-ditch effort to stop Hal, but it failed.  Hal has become too powerful for them, leaving Jack the only one who can defeat Hal.

 

Jack locates Chang and Hal in the castle.  Hal ties him to a pole, announcing he has set up his own game of “Tomato Toss” as Jack did to him years prior.  His game has one special rule: for every tomato that hits Jack, a part of his life force is drained from him.  This will leave Jack nothing but a hollow shell of his former self as he rots for eternity in the carrot.  Hal then instructs Chang to throw the tomatoes and destroy Jack.

 

Chang’s suppressed memories of Jack surface and she comes to her senses, recognizing Jack as her true master and Hal as the villain.  She attacks Hal with the tomatoes, distracting him so Jack can find an escape.  Jack finds a bulb of golden garlic in the castle.  He thinks garlic was what trapped him and Chang in the carrot, so perhaps garlic will offer them a way out as well.  He throws the garlic to Chang, who then launches it at Hal, rendering him inert.  With Hal defeated, the Ascendants are able to infiltrate the carrot-world, taking Hal back to their own realm before he can do anymore harm.

 

As the carrot-world crumbles away, Jack and Chang return to his farm, where Hal has been written out of the timeline.  Jack reflects on his time trapped in the carrot, realizing he and Hal were similar in a lot of aspects, but what set them apart was Hal’s inability to let go and move on.  He hopes Hal will find a peace he never found on Earth now he is back where he belongs.  Jack decides to retire and go on a road trip with Chang and Fern, ready to live the rest of his time in contentment.

I have no adjustments to offer. I followed everything, understood the plot, and everything seems pretty tight-knit in the sense that I saw no major plotting issues. Definitely a unique story you've come up with. What was the first idea that gave rise to it? Eating carrots one night haha?



#11 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 03 March 2018 - 11:32 AM

 What was the first idea that gave rise to it? Eating carrots one night haha?

 

I used to work on a vegetable farm, and one day when me and my coworker were bunching carrots, we noticed there was a wierd hole in one and joked it must lead to another dimension, and what if my boss's dog fell into it, and then my boss had to go rescue her?  



#12 Wayfarer

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Posted 03 March 2018 - 04:27 PM

I used to work on a vegetable farm, and one day when me and my coworker were bunching carrots, we noticed there was a wierd hole in one and joked it must lead to another dimension, and what if my boss's dog fell into it, and then my boss had to go rescue her?  

That's great. I love hearing the inspiration behind a creation. It's amazing to see how that turns into an entire work of art because of our ability to abstract things.



#13 Erevos

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Posted 10 March 2018 - 11:53 AM

Hello DW!

 

Hm, you have the synopsis crossed out, but I will try and offer my help until you post a new one!

After reading it once: I remember how much I liked your query...my god I'd have never imagined that this story would go so deep. I thought it was more like a funny children's story!

 

 

JACK AVENS is sixty-five and bored with life.  Despite the fact he has a flourishing vegetable farm and a loving wife, FERN, he can’t shake the feeling of dissatisfaction deep in his bones. I feel we can do without this. Living next door to Jack is his farming rival and reformed alcoholic, HAL STORMTHORD.  Jack and Hal have never seen eye-to-eye, due to the fact Jack suspects Hal has secretly been in love with Fern for the last three decades.

 

After a wretched day in the fields, culminating in the disappearance of Jack’s beloved dog, CHANG, he discovers a carrot.  He picks it up, ready to throw it into the compost pile, but is transported to another realm instead.

 

He learns Hal is responsible for pulling himself and Chang into this dimension inside of the carrot, which is a distorted version of Jack’s farm.  Hal is waiting for Jack in the thyme patch, explaining explains he has constructed his diabolical scheme with the hope that their loss will drive Fern into his arms.  Meanwhile, Fern has discovered the carrot in the real world and plans on eating it for dinner.  If she consumes it, Jack and Chang will be trapped in the carrot-world forever.  This is probably explained in the book, but I have the same question like Emily. Why didnt Han simply eat the carrot, or crush it, or....you know!

 

Hal set up his carrot-world so only those who consumed garlic twenty-four hours prior can enter.  He then snuck garlic into Jack and Chang’s food so they would get sucked into the carrot.  Garlic is a food Fern despises, so she will remain unaffected as she cooks the carrot into dinner. This is great because it offers more details about how this whole thing works, but it's wordy! Try and shorten it a bit!

 

Jack sets out, hoping he can find Chang and escape the carrot with her.  He reflects on the terrible things he did to Hal years ago, when they opened their farms.  Spiteful over Hal’s feelings for Fern, Jack sabotaged Hal’s farm.  At the final Farmer’s Market of the year, he tied Hal up and forced him into a game of “Tomato Toss”, where people threw tomatoes at Hal to win a prize.  Demoralized, Hal sank into alcoholism. hmm, I like it...but again, wordy! So...keep or delete...your call I guess! If it's a 1 page synopsis u can drop it or shorten it considerably, if 2 or more keep it!

 

Jack enters a decimated city.  As he navigates through the treacherous downtown, he is abducted and his mind gets trapped between two false realities, one where he believes he is an Italian Mobster, and the other where Fern has left him for Hal.  He breaks free of the dual-realities, waking up in a basement laboratory with the city collapsing around him.  He has no answers as to who captured him or why, barely escaping the city before it is reduced to rubble. Do we need this for the synopsis? Sure, it's connected with the Daedalus Corp, but you can do without it I believe. Also don't forget to remove the part below.

 

Chang awakens in a village far from Jack, with no memory of who she is or how she got there. 2 POV?  The village is populated with animal-human hybrids who sense nothing is amiss; to them, Chang has always been there.  With her mindset now more human than dog, Chang continues on with a life she has no recollection of, growing discontent.  Hal takes advantage of her in her confused state, coming to her as a dragon in her dreams, manipulating her into thinking Jack is evil and must be destroyed.  At first, she does not want to believe him, but as time passes, her lingering memories of Jack fade entirely, and the only thing she has left are Hal’s lies.  She joins Hal in a castle in the mountains above the village, where they wait for Jack to arrive. OMG! This needs some...you guessed it, shortening! I deleted some sentences that I can do without.

 

Jack comes to a sea, believing Chang is at other end of it.  He boards a ship, which resembles a giant kohlrabi plant, to gain passage across the water.  On the ship, he discovers a secret deck, which houses a laboratory similar to the one in the city.  He finds a file folder containing information on a deadly retrovirus.  The ship’s captain is responsible for creating the retrovirus, infecting members of the crew with it for experimental purposes.

 

Jack confronts the captain, who confesses he is part of an organization called the Daedalus Corporation, the same organization responsible for capturing Jack in the city.  The captain states the Daedalus Corporation’s sole purpose is to destroy the world, before unleashing the newest strain of the virus through the ventilation system.  Chaos ensues on the ship when the virus is released.  Jack barely escapes, getting knocked unconscious in the process and washing ashore close to the village where Chang awoke in.

 

Hal can create the carrot-world because he is a higher-dimensional being able to manipulate time and reality.  An unfortunate incident left him stranded on Earth, with no memory of his previous existence, leading him to believe he was human.  As the years passed, he began to build worlds — something he thought was all in his mind — as a means to cope with his feelings for Fern.  Bitter in his old age, he decided to exact revenge on Jack by creating the carrot-world and trapping him in it. I like that!

 

Jack learns the Daedalus Corporation is actually Hal’s own kind, THE ASCENDANTS, who have been trying to put a stop to the carrot-world.  Unknown to Hal, his world has become unstable.  If it collapses while Jack and Chang are in it, they will be erased from the timeline, creating an alternate one where Fern and Hal end up together but entirely miserable. 

 

Because the carrot-world is based off Hal’s mind, it perceives the Ascendants as a threat.  Everything Jack sensed as dangerous was, in reality, Hal’s people trying to help him escape and put an end to the carrot-world.  The deadly virus was their last-ditch effort to stop Hal, but it failed.  Hal has become too powerful for them, leaving Jack the only one who can defeat Hal. Can you combine this paragraph with the 4 above? Cut, cut, cut and keep:  Jack boards a ship. Captain-Deadelus-their mission to break the carrot-world. Jack learns about Hal being a higher being-Daedelus is too. Virus fails, but Jack can still defeat him.

 

Jack locates Chang and Hal in the castle.  Hal ties him to a pole, announcing he has set up his own game of “Tomato Toss” as Jack did to him years prior.  His game has one special rule: for every tomato that hits Jack, a part of his life force is drained from him.  This will leave Jack nothing but a hollow shell of his former self as he rots for eternity in the carrot.  Hal then instructs Chang to throw the tomatoes and destroy Jack. Ok, I know this is bad, but it made me laugh!

 

Chang’s suppressed memories of Jack surface and she comes to her senses, recognizing Jack as her true master and Hal as the villain.  She attacks Hal with the tomatoes, distracting him so Jack can find an escape.  Jack finds a bulb of golden garlic in the castle.  He thinks garlic was what trapped him and Chang in the carrot, so perhaps garlic will offer them a way out as well.  If a garlic trapped them in the carrot world, perhaps a garlic can offer them a way out as well.  He throws the garlic to Chang, who then launches it at Hal, rendering him inert.  With Hal defeated, the Ascendants are able to infiltrate the carrot-world, taking Hal back to their own realm before he can do anymore harm. 

 

As the carrot-world crumbles away, Jack and Chang return to his farm, where Hal has been written out of the timeline.  Jack reflects on his time trapped in the carrot, realizing he and Hal were similar in a lot of aspects, but what set them apart was Hal’s inability to let go and move on.  He hopes Hal will find a peace he never found on Earth now he is back where he belongs.  Jack decides to retire and go on a road trip with Chang and Fern, ready to live the rest of his time in contentment. 

_____________________

 

Such a nice story!! Your synopsis is great, but too wordy! I think most agents asks for 1 page. At 1200 words it's double the size it ought to be. I deleted some sentences I think you can do without, but it still needs work!

Honestly, I hate writing a synopsis. A complicated story can't be trimmed down to 600 words. Hell, they could say 2000 and I'd still need more..anyway! Hope I've been of some help!

Will review your new one once it lands!


My query: http://agentquerycon...teampunksci-fi/

Let me know if you want me to look at yours. Will happily do so.


#14 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 10 March 2018 - 12:04 PM

Thank you for your suggestions where to cut! Thankfully, the agencies I've been looking to query say a "brief" synopsis, but do not specify word count.  I honestly don't know if I could do my story in 600 words without sacrificing Jack and Chang's storylines (which I did before, and it seemed like the book had no movement).  But your suggestions are terrific.

 

And to answer everyone's burning question as to WHY Hal doesn't just eat the carrot or destroy it himself - he wants the satisfaction of Jack being eaten by his wife, because he's a madman :P It is, of course, explained more in-depth in the novel, but I feel like that would just open another big old can of worms in the synopsis.



#15 VSChapman

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Posted 10 March 2018 - 10:28 PM

The most recent version:

 

JACK AVENS is sixty-five and bored with life.  Despite the fact he has a flourishing vegetable farm and a loving wife, FERN, he can’t shake the feeling of dissatisfaction deep in his bones.  Living next door to Jack is his farming rival and reformed alcoholic, HAL STORMTHORD.  Jack and Hal have never seen eye-to-eye, due to the fact Jack suspects Hal has secretly been in love with Fern for the last three decades. (love this opening)

 

After a wretched day in the fields, culminating in the disappearance of Jack’s beloved dog, CHANG, he discovers a carrot.  He picks it up, ready to throw it into the compost pile, but is transported to another realm instead.

 

He learns Hal is responsible for pulling himself and Chang into this dimension inside of the carrot, which is a distorted version of Jack’s farm.  Hal is waiting for Jack in the thyme patch, explaining he has constructed his diabolical scheme with the hope that their loss will drive Fern into his arms.  Meanwhile, Fern has discovered the carrot in the real world and plans on eating it for dinner.  If she consumes it, Jack and Chang will be trapped in the carrot-world forever.  

 

Hal set up his carrot-world so only those who consumed garlic twenty-four hours prior can enter.  He then snuck garlic into Jack and Chang’s food so they would get sucked into the carrot.  Garlic is a food Fern despises, so she will remain unaffected as she cooks the carrot into dinner. (I see why you put this in here but I'm not sure you need it. I think the paragraphs before are great but if you're looking to cut words you could simplify this to just something like 'Hal set up his carrot world so only Jack and Chang could enter it.)

 

Jack sets out, hoping he can find Chang and escape the carrot with her.  He reflects on the terrible things he did to Hal years ago, when they opened their farms.  Spiteful over Hal’s feelings for Fern, Jack sabotaged Hal’s farm.  At the final Farmer’s Market of the year, he tied Hal up and forced him into a game of “Tomato Toss”, where people threw tomatoes at Hal to win a prize.  Demoralized, Hal sank into alcoholism. 

 

Jack enters a decimated city.  As he navigates through the treacherous downtown, he is abducted (by who???) and his mind gets trapped between two false realities, (So this is where you kinda lose me. Isn't he already in a false reality? And how can he go between the other two?) one where he believes he is an Italian Mobster, and the other where Fern has left him for Hal.  He breaks free of the dual-realities, waking up in a basement laboratory with the city collapsing around him.  He has no answers as to who captured him or why, (okay, but maybe a dark mysterious man? Something for me to grab onto) barely escaping the city before it is reduced to rubble.

 

Chang awakens in a village far from Jack, with no memory of who she is or how she got there.  The village is populated with animal-human hybrids who sense nothing is amiss; to them, Chang has always been there.  With her mindset now more human than dog, Chang continues on with a life she has no recollection of, growing discontent.  Hal takes advantage of her in her confused state, coming to her as a dragon in her dreams, manipulating her into thinking Jack is evil and must be destroyed.  At first, she does not want to believe him, but as time passes, her lingering memories of Jack fade entirely, and the only thing she has left are Hal’s lies.  She joins Hal in a castle in the mountains above the village, where they wait for Jack to arrive.

 

Jack comes to a sea, believing Chang is at other end of it.  He boards a ship, which resembles a giant kohlrabi plant, to gain passage across the water.  On the ship, he discovers a secret deck, which houses a laboratory similar to the one in the city.  He finds a file folder containing information on a deadly retrovirus.  The ship’s captain is responsible for creating the retrovirus, infecting members of the crew with it for experimental purposes.

 

Jack confronts the captain, who confesses he is part of an organization called the Daedalus Corporation, the same organization responsible for capturing Jack in the city.  The captain states the Daedalus Corporation’s sole purpose is to destroy the world, before unleashing the newest strain of the virus through the ventilation system.  Chaos ensues on the ship when the virus is released.  Jack barely escapes, getting knocked unconscious in the process and washing ashore close to the village where Chang awoke in.

 

Hal can create the carrot-world because he is a higher-dimensional being able to manipulate time and reality.  An unfortunate incident left him stranded on Earth, with no memory of his previous existence, leading him to believe he was human.  As the years passed, he began to build worlds — something he thought was all in his mind — as a means to cope with his feelings for Fern.  Bitter in his old age, he decided to exact revenge on Jack by creating the carrot-world and trapping him in it. (this paragraph seems out of place. You already established that he was bitter and why he did what he did so I think you can delete that part. The other sentences I'm wondering if you can just copy and paste them somewhere in the beginning so it flows better. It's just that we're reading Jack's story then all of a sudden Hal's background is thrown in here.)

 

Jack learns the Daedalus Corporation is actually Hal’s own kind, THE ASCENDANTS, who have been trying to put a stop to the carrot-world.  Unknown to Hal, his world has become unstable.  If it collapses while Jack and Chang are in it, they will be erased from the timeline, creating an alternate one where Fern and Hal end up together but entirely miserable.  

 

Because the carrot-world is based off Hal’s mind, it perceives the Ascendants as a threat.  Everything Jack sensed as dangerous was, in reality, Hal’s people trying to help him escape and put an end to the carrot-world.  The deadly virus was their last-ditch effort to stop Hal, but it failed.  Hal has become too powerful for them, leaving Jack the only one who can defeat Hal.

 

Jack locates Chang and Hal in the castle.  Hal ties him to a pole, announcing he has set up his own game of “Tomato Toss” as Jack did to him years prior.  His game has one special rule: for every tomato that hits Jack, a part of his life force is drained from him.  This will leave Jack nothing but a hollow shell of his former self as he rots for eternity in the carrot.  Hal then instructs Chang to throw the tomatoes and destroy Jack.

 

Chang’s suppressed memories of Jack surface and she comes to her senses, recognizing Jack as her true master and Hal as the villain.  She attacks Hal with the tomatoes, distracting him so Jack can find an escape.  Jack finds a bulb of golden garlic in the castle.  He thinks garlic was what trapped him and Chang in the carrot, so perhaps garlic will offer them a way out as well.  He throws the garlic to Chang, who then launches it at Hal, rendering him inert.  With Hal defeated, the Ascendants are able to infiltrate the carrot-world, taking Hal back to their own realm before he can do anymore harm.

 

As the carrot-world crumbles away, Jack and Chang return to his farm, where Hal has been written out of the timeline.  Jack reflects on his time trapped in the carrot, realizing he and Hal were similar in a lot of aspects, but what set them apart was Hal’s inability to let go and move on.  He hopes Hal will find a peace he never found on Earth now he is back where he belongs.  Jack decides to retire and go on a road trip with Chang and Fern, ready to live the rest of his time in contentment.

Overall this is really good! It was just a bit choppy in the middle and the different realms were a bit confusing. But other than that I think it's great!







Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: Fantasy, Offbeat/Quirky, Science Fiction

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