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PUREST BLACK (YA sci-fi)

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#41 PureZhar3

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Posted 30 January 2018 - 10:00 PM

@smithgirl

Both of those are excellent points.
For word count... I am working on stripping the manuscript of anything superfluous
As for names, Jase and Jacob are named so similarly because they’re twins (one of the bigger reveals).

If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#42 smithgirl

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Posted 31 January 2018 - 02:38 PM

I just noticed the comments about age, and I completely missed that this is YA. I didn't get that at all from the actual query, and then I missed it in the last paragraph. I do think you need to mention age right at the start. I think it's standard to give the protagonist's age in YA. It's just that if you don't, then the agent will read the whole query and think it's adult and get the completely wrong idea. You don't want to cause that kind of confusion.

 

No one in the world knows Jacob. No one knows where to find him, how to stop him, or how he stole the souls of twenty million men. All they know is his name. At just seventeen, Jacob knows the world; he rules it with merciless law. 

 

Personally, I think it's OK to have a seventeen-year-old who has conquered the world. Because it's YA sci-fi/magical. Reading other people's queries, it seems pretty common that their teenage characters have accomplished a lot. Especially because it's sci-fi/magical, you know there is likely to be some fantastical element. I guess see how other people feel.

  

Many organizations have risen to overthrow his hierarchical empire, but Jacob considers only one a threat: the Northern Rebellion. One of its teenage leaders – the curious, innocent Star - poses no risk; the other, golden-tongued Jase, is willing to die to exterminate Jacob. 

 

 



#43 Wayfarer

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Posted 31 January 2018 - 02:59 PM

No one in the world knows Jacob. No one knows where to find him, how to stop him, or how he stole the souls of twenty million men. All they know is his name. But Jacob knows the world; he rules it with merciless law. 

  

Many organizations have risen to overthrow his hierarchical empire, but Jacob considers only one a threat: the Northern Rebellion. One of its leaders – the curious, innocent Star - poses no risk; the other, golden-tongued Jase, is willing to die to exterminate Jacob. 

  

Jacob understands the untapped potential of Jase and doesn't want to kill him. But left untouched, Jase can fragment the nation Jacob has so cruelly crafted. To exploit Jase’s infatuation of Star, Jacob kidnaps her, presenting himself as an impassive, ethical king capable of reading her every thought. As Star probes him for a weakness through hours of solitary conversation, Jacob manipulates his icy charisma to tempt her into learning more about him, trapping her in a place of affection and intrigue. 

  

Yet Jase, furious at Star’s capture, attempts but fails to rescue her. Unshaken on the outside, but internally agitated, Jacob offers Star the truth about his powers in exchange for her allegiance. She can stand by an ineffective but virtuous rebellion, or she can indulge her curiosity by joining a seemingly unbreakable tyrant. Jacob excels at manipulating the odds, but he’s playing a desperate game. Because Star’s decision, and Jase's response, will either shatter or reincarnate the earth. 

Really like this version. Your simple adjustments made it read a lot more fluidly. I don't think I have any suggestions to offer it as it stands. Hopefully that's the consensus and you have your query!



#44 PureZhar3

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Posted 02 February 2018 - 06:44 AM

 

I just noticed the comments about age, and I completely missed that this is YA. I didn't get that at all from the actual query, and then I missed it in the last paragraph. I do think you need to mention age right at the start. I think it's standard to give the protagonist's age in YA. It's just that if you don't, then the agent will read the whole query and think it's adult and get the completely wrong idea. You don't want to cause that kind of confusion.

 

No one in the world knows Jacob. No one knows where to find him, how to stop him, or how he stole the souls of twenty million men. All they know is his name. At just seventeen, Jacob knows the world; he rules it with merciless law. 

 

Personally, I think it's OK to have a seventeen-year-old who has conquered the world. Because it's YA sci-fi/magical. Reading other people's queries, it seems pretty common that their teenage characters have accomplished a lot. Especially because it's sci-fi/magical, you know there is likely to be some fantastical element. I guess see how other people feel.

  

Many organizations have risen to overthrow his hierarchical empire, but Jacob considers only one a threat: the Northern Rebellion. One of its teenage leaders – the curious, innocent Star - poses no risk; the other, golden-tongued Jase, is willing to die to exterminate Jacob. 

 

 

 

You're right. I checked it out, and it is standard to mention the age. Thanks to both you and Ana!


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#45 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 02 February 2018 - 10:16 AM

I really like this query! I don't have any critiques to add from the latest version, except agree that you should mention the ages of not only Jacob, but the others as well.  I also agree that having a teenager rule the world is acceptable for a sci-fi/magical realism book and it shouldn't raise questions.



#46 Sataris

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Posted 02 February 2018 - 03:33 PM

 

 

 

 

No one in the world knows Jacob. No one knows where to find him, how to stop him I think I prefer break over stop, though both are less specific than something like kill, or how he stole the souls of twenty million men. All they know is his name. But seventeen-year-old Jacob knows the world; he rules it with merciless law.  I agree with putting the age in here. Better to raise questions like "how did he conquer the world" rather than "how old is this YA MC because I'm going to reject it if he's thirty"

  

Many organizations have risen to overthrow his hierarchical empire, but Jacob considers only one a threat: the Northern Rebellion. One of its leaders em dash the curious, innocent Star em dash poses no risk; the other, golden-tongued Jase this seems like it should also be set off by em dashes though you probably want to avoid using another set in the same sentence. Not sure commas are technically wrong, but it reads a little clunky as is, is willing to die to exterminate assassinate Jacob. 

  

Jacob understands the untapped potential of Jase and doesn't want to kill him. But left untouched, Jase can could fragment the nation Jacob has so cruelly crafted. To exploit Jase’s love of Star, Jacob kidnaps her, presenting himself as an impassive, ethical king capable of reading her every thought. As Star probes him for a weakness through hours of solitary conversation, Jacob manipulates better to say he uses his charisma rather than manipulates it, or that he manipulates her with his icy charisma his icy charisma to tempt her into learning more about him, trapping her in a place of affection and intrigue. 

  

Yet Jase, furious at Star’s capture, attempts but fails to rescue her. Unshaken on the outside, but internally agitated wouldn't this be the exact thing he'd have expected to happen? Why does a failed rescue attempt bother him?, Jacob offers Star the truth about his powers in exchange for her allegiance so that he gains X (I'm guessing it'd be power over Jase somehow but that's not totally clear, and it seems like a really big deal for him to give away his secrets) She can stand by an ineffective but virtuous rebellion, or she can indulge her curiosity by joining a seemingly unbreakable tyrant. Jacob excels at manipulating the odds, but he’s playing a desperate game. Because Star’s decision, and Jase's response, will either shatter or reincarnate the earth. Can you shatter a world that's in need of reincarnation?

  

PUREST BLACK (120,000 words), a multi-POV young adult science fiction novel, blends the pace and world of Marissa Meyer’s “Renegades” with the style and philosophy of “Beasts of Extraordinary Circumstance”.

 

 

I think this has come a long way, and I do agree with the ages being in there. My biggest issue right now is that the entire query is from Jacob's point of view, then he has no part in the stakes. I know that's not strictly true, but if star's decision and Jase's response will decide everything, then you're presenting Jacob as being an observer. Maybe the key is to wind this back slightly and really dig into the relationship between Jacob and Star and the decision to reveal his powers to her. Something like:

 

If Jacob reveals his powers, star might join him and he'll gain x (or she could flee and reveal his secret) and if he doesn't he'll have to deal with more attacks from Jase/lose her affection/so on.


No current query.


#47 PureZhar3

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Posted 02 February 2018 - 07:52 PM

I think this has come a long way, and I do agree with the ages being in there. My biggest issue right now is that the entire query is from Jacob's point of view, then he has no part in the stakes. I know that's not strictly true, but if star's decision and Jase's response will decide everything, then you're presenting Jacob as being an observer. Maybe the key is to wind this back slightly and really dig into the relationship between Jacob and Star and the decision to reveal his powers to her. Something like:

 

If Jacob reveals his powers, star might join him and he'll gain x (or she could flee and reveal his secret) and if he doesn't he'll have to deal with more attacks from Jase/lose her affection/so on.

Thank you so much, Sataris! I appreciate your input and response. I see what you're saying and will adjust the query accordingly; thanks again.


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#48 Erevos

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Posted 03 February 2018 - 09:11 AM

Hello there!
The whole problem is the multi-POV. Some say write it from one person's perspective, but I've seen successful letters blending both POV successfully.. Honestly, I'm not sure which version I prefer! I think the first one is slightly better cause we see the stakes from Jacob's position. Also, hmm... the old version is a bit more vague that the first one now that I read it again....

 

So if you want my vote... New version wins!

Other than that I got nothing bad to say!


My Query http://agentquerycon...a-high-fantasy/ Let me know if you want me to look at yours. Will happily do so.


#49 TheBest

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Posted 03 February 2018 - 12:25 PM

No one in the world knows Jacob. No one knows where to find him, how to stop him, or how he stole the souls of twenty million men. (I'm hooked.) All they know is his name. But seventeen-year-old Jacob knows the world; he rules it with merciless law.  (Definitely include age here. You'll also probably want to add in a few more specifics and details.)

  

Many organizations (Too vague) have risen to overthrow his hierarchical empire, but Jacob considers only one a threat: the Northern Rebellion. One of its leaders em dash the curious, innocent Star poses no risk; the other, golden-tongued Jase (Awkward phrasing.) is willing to die to exterminate (Murder?Assassinate?Exterminate sounds off.) Jacob. 

  

Jacob understands the untapped potential of Jase and doesn't want to kill him. But left untouched, Jase can  (could) fragment the nation Jacob has so cruelly crafted. To exploit Jase’s love of Star, Jacob kidnaps her, presenting himself as an impassive, ethical king capable of reading her every thought. As Star probes him for a weakness through hours of solitary conversation, Jacob (Employs) his icy charisma to tempt her into learning more about him, trapping her in a place of affection and intrigue. 

  

Yet Jase, furious at Star’s capture, attempts but fails to rescue her. Unshaken on the outside, but internally agitated wouldn't this be the exact thing he'd have expected to happen? Why does a failed rescue attempt bother him?, Jacob offers Star the truth about his powers in exchange for her allegiance so that he gains X. She can stand by an ineffective but virtuous rebellion, or she can indulge her curiosity by joining a seemingly unbreakable tyrant. Jacob excels at manipulating the odds, but he’s playing a desperate game. Because Star’s decision, and Jase's response, will either shatter or reincarnate the earth. (A little too much given all at once here. Split it up and shorten it.)

  

PUREST BLACK (120,000 words), a multi-POV young adult science fiction novel, blends the pace and world of Marissa Meyer’s“Renegades” with the style and philosophy of “Beasts of Extraordinary Circumstance”.

 

(I love your concept! I would most definitely read this book if I saw it on a shelf. However, I think your query would read better if you threw in a few more details in the beginning and cut them from the end. Also, make sure to use the proper words to describe Jacob -- you want to keep him fierce, powerful but still likable. Lastly, just go through and make sure every sentence is smooth and crisp. Do that, and you'll have something really special on your hands. Good luck!!)



#50 PureZhar3

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Posted 03 February 2018 - 12:28 PM

 

No one in the world knows Jacob. No one knows where to find him, how to stop him, or how he stole the souls of twenty million men. (I'm hooked.) All they know is his name. But seventeen-year-old Jacob knows the world; he rules it with merciless law.  (Definitely include age here. You'll also probably want to add in a few more specifics and details.)

  

Many organizations (Too vague) have risen to overthrow his hierarchical empire, but Jacob considers only one a threat: the Northern Rebellion. One of its leaders em dash the curious, innocent Star poses no risk; the other, golden-tongued Jase (Awkward phrasing.) is willing to die to exterminate (Murder?Assassinate?Exterminate sounds off.) Jacob. 

  

Jacob understands the untapped potential of Jase and doesn't want to kill him. But left untouched, Jase can  (could) fragment the nation Jacob has so cruelly crafted. To exploit Jase’s love of Star, Jacob kidnaps her, presenting himself as an impassive, ethical king capable of reading her every thought. As Star probes him for a weakness through hours of solitary conversation, Jacob (Employs) his icy charisma to tempt her into learning more about him, trapping her in a place of affection and intrigue. 

  

Yet Jase, furious at Star’s capture, attempts but fails to rescue her. Unshaken on the outside, but internally agitated wouldn't this be the exact thing he'd have expected to happen? Why does a failed rescue attempt bother him?, Jacob offers Star the truth about his powers in exchange for her allegiance so that he gains X. She can stand by an ineffective but virtuous rebellion, or she can indulge her curiosity by joining a seemingly unbreakable tyrant. Jacob excels at manipulating the odds, but he’s playing a desperate game. Because Star’s decision, and Jase's response, will either shatter or reincarnate the earth. (A little too much given all at once here. Split it up and shorten it.)

  

PUREST BLACK (120,000 words), a multi-POV young adult science fiction novel, blends the pace and world of Marissa Meyer’s“Renegades” with the style and philosophy of “Beasts of Extraordinary Circumstance”.

 

(I love your concept! I would most definitely read this book if I saw it on a shelf. However, I think your query would read better if you threw in a few more details in the beginning and cut them from the end. Also, make sure to use the proper words to describe Jacob -- you want to keep him fierce, powerful but still likable. Lastly, just go through and make sure every sentence is smooth and crisp. Do that, and you'll have something really special on your hands. Good luck!!)

 

Sorry to tell you this, friend, but you queried one of my older - albeit recent - versions. Not sure how you got your hands on it, but my newest is in the original post (it says "Version 4.4). I don't suppose you'd be up for re-querying? Thanks either way!


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#51 lnloft

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Posted 03 February 2018 - 12:32 PM

Happy to help. :)

Played around with the last paragraph as Sataris suggested. I think it's getting close; thank you so much!

 

Also, I'm going to work on bringing down my word count in the actual manuscript. Thanks again!
 

Version 4.4:

No one in the world knows Jacob. No one knows where to find him, how to kill him, or how he stole the souls of twenty million men. All they know is his name. But seventeen-year-old Jacob knows the world; he rules it with merciless law.  I like the start, but I'm a little confused by this latter bit. What does "knows the world" mean? And how does he rule it if no one knows how to find him?

   

Many organizations have risen to overthrow his empire, but Jacob considers only one a threat: the Northern Rebellion. It has two leaders. Curious, innocent How does an innocent person become one of the leaders of a major rebellion against an empire? Star poses no risk, but golden-tongued Jase is willing to die to assassinate Jacob.  

   

Jacob understands the untapped potential of Jase and doesn't want to kill him. But left untouched, Jase could fragment the nation Jacob has so cruelly crafted. To exploit Jase’s love of Star This is the first we are introduced that there's love between them, Jacob kidnaps her, presenting himself as an impassive, ethical king capable of reading her every thought. As Star probes him for a weakness through hours of solitary conversation, Jacob manipulates his icy charisma to tempt her into learning more about him, trapping her in a place of affection and intrigue.  

   

Yet Jase, furious at Star's capture, attempts to save her. Barely managing to halt his rescue Antecedent is unclear here. Jacob barely managing to stop Jase's rescue of Star is what you mean, I believe, but the whole thing just reads awkwardly. , Jacob realizes that as long as Star desires freedom, Jase will try to liberate her. If he wants Jase broken, Jacob must do more than captivate Star with mystery; he must unveil the truth about his power to win her loyalty. If he doesn't, she will stand by Jase. But if he does, he risks his anonymity... and his kingdom. 

 

Or, do you prefer the old last paragraph:

 

Yet Jase, furious at Star’s capture, attempts but fails to rescue her. Unshaken on the outside, but internally agitated I like the structure here, but for some reason "internally agitated" isn't doing it for me. I'd also lose the comma after "outside", Jacob offers Star the truth about his powers in exchange for her allegiance. She can stand by an ineffective but virtuous rebellion, or she can indulge her curiosity by joining a seemingly unbreakable tyrant. Jacob excels at manipulating the odds, but he’s playing a desperate game. Because Star’s decision, and Jase's response, will either shatter or reincarnate the earth. 

 

Hmm... I think there are strengths and weaknesses to both. The first one I feel does a better job of outlining why Jacob would reveal the truth to Star, and also sticks more with a choice for Jacob, who has been the character we've focused on for most of the query, while the second one gives it more of a choice to Star, which is fair for the novel itself, but a little awkward in the query. I'm debating whether I like the stakes better in 1 or 2, since 2 has bigger stakes, but I also don't think we got the proper set-up for the world being shattered or reincarnated. Was the world really in trouble? So after writing all of that, I think I'm saying the new one is better, although it could use a bit of tweaking especially in that second sentence.

 

PUREST BLACK (120,000 words), a multi-POV young adult science fiction novel, blends the pace and world of Marissa Meyer’s “Renegades” with the style and philosophy of “Beasts of Extraordinary Circumstance”.

So is Jacob a villain protagonist? I'm suspending disbelief as to how a 17-year-old can rule the world, because it's just kinda a necessity of the YA genre, but I'm still trying to place Jacob. You describe him as "cruelly crafting" (which is a nice turn of phrase, by the way) an empire and call him a "tyrant", but what can you show us as to why he keeps having to deal with rebellions? What's up with the the twenty million souls at the beginning? Like what does one even do with souls in this universe?

 

You have three leads, and if I had to place them on a morality scale I would definitely place Star on the "good" end, and then Jase is a bit more gray (I get the impression that he is a very intense and somewhat angry person, for what it's worth), where he's fighting for a good cause but might be willing to do bad things to get his way. But then I'm still floundering on Jacob. So I would definitely try to pin that down a little better, whether he's a true villain protagonist or somewhere a little more gray like Jase. I'm wondering if he runs his evil empire in the name of what he sees as the greater good? You don't have to spoil everything, but a little more grounding could help.

 

The other thing I would like to see is a little more solidifying of the sci-fi aspects. Jacob has stolen some souls and can somehow rule the world without people knowing anything about him, so how does that all work? There's a lot of sci-fi and fantasy out there, so the little intricacies of how your universe work are often some of the things that make your story stand out.

 

Also for what it's worth, I think you've handled the multiple POV issue nicely. You overall focus the query on Jacob, but I can tell that Star and Jase will get their own focuses as well in the book.

 

I feel your pain of the long manuscript...

 

Good luck.


Nothing to reciprocate on right now; I'm off in the query trenches.


#52 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 03 February 2018 - 01:07 PM

I feel like the new last paragraph uses the character's names too much, and coming from an outsider's view without knowing about the story, I was concentrating more on just keeping everyone in order than reading what was happening.

The old paragraph has more of a dramatic oomph to it, and I really like the final line of "will either shatter or reincarnate the earth" because I like overly-dramatic things, but the rest of the paragraph is very wordy.  I tried doing a line edit, but I couldn't remove anything without destroying the whole thing.  I think this is one of those instances where you have to make it less wordy, because it's your style and your story.

I agree with with Inloft said about the old paragraph sticking to Jacob's POV, whereas the new one gets confusing and feels like Star is shoehorned in.  Trying to embrace the multi-POV is quite a conundrum.

As a way to try and sort this out, have you tried writing three separate queries, where each one focuses on either Jacob, Star, or Jase being the MC? I don't mean three perfectly polished queries, just jot down a rough one of each.  It may help you see what is/isn't helping, which you can then transfer to the polished query.  



#53 PureZhar3

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Posted 03 February 2018 - 01:19 PM

I feel like the new last paragraph uses the character's names too much, and coming from an outsider's view without knowing about the story, I was concentrating more on just keeping everyone in order than reading what was happening.

The old paragraph has more of a dramatic oomph to it, and I really like the final line of "will either shatter or reincarnate the earth" because I like overly-dramatic things, but the rest of the paragraph is very wordy.  I tried doing a line edit, but I couldn't remove anything without destroying the whole thing.  I think this is one of those instances where you have to make it less wordy, because it's your style and your story.

I agree with with Inloft said about the old paragraph sticking to Jacob's POV, whereas the new one gets confusing and feels like Star is shoehorned in.  Trying to embrace the multi-POV is quite a conundrum.

As a way to try and sort this out, have you tried writing three separate queries, where each one focuses on either Jacob, Star, or Jase being the MC? I don't mean three perfectly polished queries, just jot down a rough one of each.  It may help you see what is/isn't helping, which you can then transfer to the polished query.  

I have written three rough drafts for each of them. The issue that I keep coming back to is how much to reveal. My story isn't a detective novel (obviously), but the driving force of the story is discovering the mystery behind Jacob. I can post my queries focused on each of them if you guys think it would help.

 

I'll try to rewrite the last paragraph and combine some of the specificity of the new one with the stakes of the old one.


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#54 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 03 February 2018 - 01:38 PM

Putting up all three could help us have a better idea of what's going on.  Have you tried your hand at writing a synopsis as well? If you pop one of those up (unless there is and I've missed it), then we can read it and understand the mystery of Jacob as well.  Then we can try to help out with how much to reveal and how much to keep a mystery.



#55 Wayfarer

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Posted 03 February 2018 - 01:49 PM

I like the old ending paragraph. But that's because it fits better with the first two paragraphs than the new one.

I agree with those who say that your query jumps around with the characters perspective, but I disagree that it's a problem. I like it, I understand it, and it makes it interesting to me.

I think this might be the point where you need to decide what you want, because everyone else is going to have another opinion to add. I'm seeing, from my own experience, that there is a point where that decision needs to be made. But first one needs to understand the structure of a query, which you do. I think you're in a solid enough place to be content with what you have, and with the fact that everyone's going to differ on what you like.



#56 PureZhar3

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Posted 03 February 2018 - 02:29 PM

Putting up all three could help us have a better idea of what's going on.  Have you tried your hand at writing a synopsis as well? If you pop one of those up (unless there is and I've missed it), then we can read it and understand the mystery of Jacob as well.  Then we can try to help out with how much to reveal and how much to keep a mystery.

No, I haven't gotten around to writing mine yet. Although I actually need to, so I'll probably try to do that soon. I'll put a link to it when I do. Good idea.


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#57 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 03 February 2018 - 03:39 PM

I also agree with Wayfarer - it's your query, so it's up to you to decide how you want to showcase the story.

When I read your query using the old last paragraph, I liked it and it made sense.  I was late to this query party, so I didn't know anything about your story and that it was multi-POV until I read the whole thing, so for me, that one flows better.  If you're going to show the different POV's in the query, it's going to be battling a whole different beast.  You have to remember an agent is looking at it for the first time, unlike us who become more familiar with the story the more we critique it.  Agents get hundreds of queries a week and aren't going to take the time to slow down and make sense of every character (I presume - I'm sure some do) so they might be more likely to reject based on that.

Alternatively, you could do a query of each to send out and see which one gets received better.



#58 PureZhar3

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Posted 03 February 2018 - 06:20 PM

My synopsis is up, if you guys want to check that out and see if it gives you any ideas on the last paragraph (if not, I agree with what Wayfarer and DisgruntledWriter have said, and I'll just be content with my last paragraph, I think):

 

http://agentquerycon...lack-ya-sci-fi/


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#59 VSChapman

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Posted 05 February 2018 - 12:28 PM

@smithgirl

Both of those are excellent points.
For word count... I am working on stripping the manuscript of anything superfluous
As for names, Jase and Jacob are named so similarly because they’re twins (one of the bigger reveals).

I'm glad you mentioned they were twins! That's a very cool twist and does explain the similar names.



#60 VSChapman

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Posted 05 February 2018 - 12:43 PM

 

I'm going to work on bringing down my word count in the actual manuscript. Thanks again!

 

Link to my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...lack-ya-sci-fi/
 

Version 4.5:

No one in the world knows Jacob. No one knows where to find him, how to kill him, or how he stole the souls of twenty million men. All they know is his name. But seventeen-year-old Jacob knows the world; he rules it with merciless law.  (still great, of course)

   

Many insurgencies have risen to overthrow his empire, but Jacob considers only one a threat: the Northern Rebellion and one of it's leaders, Jase, the man whose willing to die to assassinate him.  It has two leaders. Curious, innocent Star poses no risk, but golden-tongued Jase is willing to die to assassinate Jacob.  ( I wonder if there's a different way to introduce Star? Someone who poses no risk also doesn't pose any interest. And I know she's interesting, just not right here.) 

  

Jacob understands the untapped potential of Jase and doesn't want to kill him. But left untouched, Jase could fragment the nation Jacob has so cruelly crafted. To exploit Jase’s love of Star, his curious but innocent co-leader, (okay, this is kinda weak but I couldn't figure out how to word it better) Jacob kidnaps her, presenting himself as an impassive, ethical king capable of reading her every thought. As Star probes him for a weakness through hours of solitary conversation, Jacob employs his icy charisma to tempt her into learning more about him, trapping her in a place of affection and intrigue.  

  

Yet Jase, furious at Star's capture, attempts to save her. Jacob barely manages to halt the rescue, realizing that as long as Star desires freedom, Jase will try to liberate her. If he wants Jase broken, Jacob must do more than captivate Star with mystery; he must unveil the truth about his power to win her loyalty. If he doesn't, she will stand by Jase. But if he does, he risks his anonymity... and his kingdom. 

 

Or, do you prefer either of the old last paragraph:

 

Yet Jase, furious at Star’s capture, attempts but fails to rescue her. Unshaken on the outside but secretly unnerved, Jacob offers Star the truth about his powers in exchange for her allegiance. She can stand by an ineffective but virtuous rebellion, or she can indulge her curiosity by joining a seemingly unbreakable tyrant. Jacob excels at manipulating the odds, but he’s playing a desperate game. Because Star’s decision, and Jase's response, will either shatter or reincarnate the earth. (I like this second version much better!)

 

PUREST BLACK (120,000 words), a multi-POV young adult science fiction novel, blends the pace and world of Marissa Meyer’s “Renegades” with the style and philosophy of “Beasts of Extraordinary Circumstance”.

 

 

 

This is looking good! I'm excited to read your synopsis too. 







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