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PUREST BLACK (YA sci-fi)

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#81 yawriter

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Posted 11 February 2018 - 12:56 AM

Will be reading tomorrow! Scouts honor!

#82 yawriter

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Posted 11 February 2018 - 11:58 AM

 

 

 

Version 5.1:

No one in the world knows Jacob. No one knows where to find him, how to kill him, or how he stole the souls of twenty million men. But seventeen-year-old Jacob knows the world; he rules it under merciless law. He rules the world without anyone knowing it?

 

Many insurgencies have risen to overthrow his empire, but Jacob considers only one a threat: the Northern Rebellion, which has two teenage leaders. Are teenagers more powerful in this book? Curious, innocent Star poses no risk, but golden-tongued Jase is willing to die to assassinate Jacob.  

 

I am confused by the punctuation here... is Star  and Jase the teenagers for the Norther Rebellion?  If it is you should mention this sooner... "the Northern Rebellion lead by ruthless teenagers, Star and Jase." When you say "poses no risk" are you meaning that she doesn't like to risk anything?  I don't think poses is the correct wording here..."curious and innocent Star would never risk her/his life life while golden-lounged Jase is..."

 

​OR:

​innocuous

benign

​impressionable ​(this would not work because Jase's loose-cannon attitude would influence her, which is not the characteristic you were going for in the sentence you wrote)

virtuous

​idealistic

Jacob understands the untapped potential of Jase and doesn't Read somewhere that it is more professional not to use contractions (does not) want to kill him. But left untouched, Jase could fragment the nation Jacob has so cruelly crafted. I think by saying untapped potential shows that he is a threat to Jacob...not sure if it's needed. To exploit Jase’s love of Star, Jacob kidnaps her, presenting himself as an omniscient king capable of reading her every thought. As Star probes him for a weakness A little confused here....the transition was off. At first I was thinking OH Jacob can read her thoughts..then you say SHE probes HIM so I had to reread it a few times... I think maybe something like "Resisting Jacob's power, Star focuses on observing his every action for a weekness..." would work better ...or something of that nature. , Jacob employs his icy charisma to tempt her into learning more about him, trapping her in a place of affection and intrigue.  

 

Yet Jacob must win more than Star’s curiosity to break Jase. He needs her willing loyalty (Why does he need her loyalty? He can read her mind...find a weakness  and then kill both of them....does he like her too? Is that why?), and for that, he must convince her that he's He is not as wicked as the world assumes. If it works, it could shatter the rebellion. But if it doesn't does not, the truth will be his undoing.

 

PUREST BLACK (120,000 words), a multi-POV young adult science fiction novel, blends the pace and structure of Marissa Myer’s “Renegades” with the style and atmosphere of Katherine Arden’s “The Bear and the Nightingale”.

Great start! Let me know when there is another revision :) Hope this helps!

 

 



#83 PureZhar3

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Posted 11 February 2018 - 12:32 PM

 

 

 

 

Version 5.1:

No one in the world knows Jacob. No one knows where to find him, how to kill him, or how he stole the souls of twenty million men. But seventeen-year-old Jacob knows the world; he rules it under merciless law. He rules the world without anyone knowing it?

 

Many insurgencies have risen to overthrow his empire, but Jacob considers only one a threat: the Northern Rebellion, which has two teenage leaders. Are teenagers more powerful in this book? Curious, innocent Star poses no risk, but golden-tongued Jase is willing to die to assassinate Jacob.  

 

I am confused by the punctuation here... is Star  and Jase the teenagers for the Norther Rebellion?  If it is you should mention this sooner... "the Northern Rebellion lead by ruthless teenagers, Star and Jase." When you say "poses no risk" are you meaning that she doesn't like to risk anything?  I don't think poses is the correct wording here..."curious and innocent Star would never risk her/his life life while golden-lounged Jase is..."

 

​OR:

​innocuous

benign

​impressionable ​(this would not work because Jase's loose-cannon attitude would influence her, which is not the characteristic you were going for in the sentence you wrote)

virtuous

​idealistic

Jacob understands the untapped potential of Jase and doesn't Read somewhere that it is more professional not to use contractions (does not) want to kill him. But left untouched, Jase could fragment the nation Jacob has so cruelly crafted. I think by saying untapped potential shows that he is a threat to Jacob...not sure if it's needed. To exploit Jase’s love of Star, Jacob kidnaps her, presenting himself as an omniscient king capable of reading her every thought. As Star probes him for a weakness A little confused here....the transition was off. At first I was thinking OH Jacob can read her thoughts..then you say SHE probes HIM so I had to reread it a few times... I think maybe something like "Resisting Jacob's power, Star focuses on observing his every action for a weekness..." would work better ...or something of that nature. , Jacob employs his icy charisma to tempt her into learning more about him, trapping her in a place of affection and intrigue.  

 

Yet Jacob must win more than Star’s curiosity to break Jase. He needs her willing loyalty (Why does he need her loyalty? He can read her mind...find a weakness  and then kill both of them....does he like her too? Is that why?), and for that, he must convince her that he's He is not as wicked as the world assumes. If it works, it could shatter the rebellion. But if it doesn't does not, the truth will be his undoing.

 

PUREST BLACK (120,000 words), a multi-POV young adult science fiction novel, blends the pace and structure of Marissa Myer’s “Renegades” with the style and atmosphere of Katherine Arden’s “The Bear and the Nightingale”.

Great start! Let me know when there is another revision :) Hope this helps!

 

 

 

 

Thanks for your comments! A few responses:

"So he rules the world without anyone knowing it" - well, no/yes. People know that Jacob rules the world, but they don't know anything about Jacob. So they know they have a ruler, they know he's merciless; they simply know nothing about him. Do I need to make that clearer? In earlier version I said, "all they know is his name" right before the last sentence of the first paragraph. Do you think that would help?

"Why does he need her loyalty?" Jacob doesn't want to kill Jase but he also can't let Jase run wild trying to bring him down, and he needs Star alive if he's going to break Jase. He could just kill both of them easily, but he doesn't want to (in the book, he has a better reason than "I don't want to" but it's too complicated to bring into the query). I tried to make that all clear with the first two sentences of the second paragraph. Do you think I need more clarification?


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#84 Temeraire

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Posted 11 February 2018 - 12:58 PM

No one in the world knows Jacob. No one knows where to find him, how to kill him, or how he stole the souls of twenty million men. Oo cool hook! But seventeen-year-old Jacob knows the world; he rules it with diplomatic sadism<-I like this contradiction of this phrasing the best. I'm not sure about "knows the world" though - could be stronger? 

 

Many insurgencies have risen to overthrow his empire, but Jacob considers only one a threat: the Northern Rebellion. It has two leadersCurious, idealistic Star poses no risk, but golden-tongued Jase is willing to die to assassinate Jacob.  

Jacob understands the untapped potential of Jase passive voice here, could it be "Jase's untapped potential"? and doesn't want to kill him. But left untouched, Jase could fragment the nation Jacob has so cruelly "cruelly crafted" doesn't sound like something someone would think about their empire - more like they'd talk about how well they've done it crafted. To exploit Jase’s love of Star passive voice again, Jacob kidnaps her, presenting himself as an omniscient king capable of reading her every thought. As Star probes him for a weakness my mind goes to dirty places when faced with "probe", Jacob employs his icy charisma to tempt her into learning more about him, trapping her in a place of a literal physical place? I can't tell if this is world-building or metaphor. If metaphor, I'd suggest being blunter about it affection and intrigue. I'm having a hard time buying this. He's kidnapped her - is she really going to fall in love with him? I know Stockholm Syndrome is a thing, but it's still quite a harmful narrative bc it's too much like "no actually means yes, you just don't know it yet"  

 

Yet Jacob must win more than Star’s curiosity to break Jase. He needs her willing loyalty, and for that, he must convince her that he's not as wicked as the world assumes. But she doesn't know he's the Jacob they're rebelling against If it works, it could shatter the rebellion. But if it doesn't, the truth will be his undoing. How? 

 

PUREST BLACK (120,000 words), a multi-POV young adult science fiction novel, blends the pace and structure of Marissa Myer’s “Renegades” with the style and atmosphere of Katherine Arden’s “The Bear and the Nightingale”.

 

Science fiction isn't really my jam, but I can see you have an interesting set-up. The main conflict seems to be Jacob trying to win Star's loyalty to break Jase, but I'm finding it a bit hard to buy into that. If she's going to fall in love with him, that's really gross. If it's her loyalty, how is he going to accomplish that? If Jacob is as evil as all that, and Star knows that, then how can she side with him? And how will that be his undoing if it goes wrong? Is Jacob actually physically vulnerable? But then why doesn't Star just escape?  

If I've helped you with your query, I'd love if you would take a look at mine! 

 

UNICORN (gothic fantasy) 

Query letter 


#85 PureZhar3

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Posted 11 February 2018 - 01:15 PM

 

No one in the world knows Jacob. No one knows where to find him, how to kill him, or how he stole the souls of twenty million men. Oo cool hook! But seventeen-year-old Jacob knows the world; he rules it with diplomatic sadism<-I like this contradiction of this phrasing the best. I'm not sure about "knows the world" though - could be stronger? 

 

Many insurgencies have risen to overthrow his empire, but Jacob considers only one a threat: the Northern Rebellion. It has two leadersCurious, idealistic Star poses no risk, but golden-tongued Jase is willing to die to assassinate Jacob.  

Jacob understands the untapped potential of Jase passive voice here, could it be "Jase's untapped potential"? and doesn't want to kill him. But left untouched, Jase could fragment the nation Jacob has so cruelly "cruelly crafted" doesn't sound like something someone would think about their empire - more like they'd talk about how well they've done it crafted. To exploit Jase’s love of Star passive voice again, Jacob kidnaps her, presenting himself as an omniscient king capable of reading her every thought. As Star probes him for a weakness my mind goes to dirty places when faced with "probe", Jacob employs his icy charisma to tempt her into learning more about him, trapping her in a place of a literal physical place? I can't tell if this is world-building or metaphor. If metaphor, I'd suggest being blunter about it affection and intrigue. I'm having a hard time buying this. He's kidnapped her - is she really going to fall in love with him? I know Stockholm Syndrome is a thing, but it's still quite a harmful narrative bc it's too much like "no actually means yes, you just don't know it yet"  

 

Yet Jacob must win more than Star’s curiosity to break Jase. He needs her willing loyalty, and for that, he must convince her that he's not as wicked as the world assumes. But she doesn't know he's the Jacob they're rebelling against If it works, it could shatter the rebellion. But if it doesn't, the truth will be his undoing. How? 

 

PUREST BLACK (120,000 words), a multi-POV young adult science fiction novel, blends the pace and structure of Marissa Myer’s “Renegades” with the style and atmosphere of Katherine Arden’s “The Bear and the Nightingale”.

 

Science fiction isn't really my jam, but I can see you have an interesting set-up. The main conflict seems to be Jacob trying to win Star's loyalty to break Jase, but I'm finding it a bit hard to buy into that. If she's going to fall in love with him, that's really gross. If it's her loyalty, how is he going to accomplish that? If Jacob is as evil as all that, and Star knows that, then how can she side with him? And how will that be his undoing if it goes wrong? Is Jacob actually physically vulnerable? But then why doesn't Star just escape?  

 

 

If I added "he must convince her that he's not as wicked as the world assumes by revealing his true plan​" would that help in the way of explaining how the truth could be his downfall and how he's going to gain her loyalty?

 

As for the whole Stockholm Syndrome thing, I understand that. With the overview of the book that you have, I can see where it would seem to portray that message - however, inside the book, I don't think it's a problem because, first, of how Jacob acts and, second, the focus quickly shifts to whether Jacob is evil or not.

 

Overall, I know you weren't buying the authenticity of what was happening, but did you understand everything?


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#86 Temeraire

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Posted 11 February 2018 - 01:19 PM

Yes, it was all pretty clear in terms of what was happening. "By revealing his true plan" would be a good addition - I think it would definitely help. Though the more I think about it, the more Beauty and the Beast vibes I get lol 


If I've helped you with your query, I'd love if you would take a look at mine! 

 

UNICORN (gothic fantasy) 

Query letter 


#87 PureZhar3

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Posted 11 February 2018 - 01:23 PM

 

Yes, it was all pretty clear in terms of what was happening. "By revealing his true plan" would be a good addition - I think it would definitely help. Though the more I think about it, the more Beauty and the Beast vibes I get lol 

 

 

Haha, yeah; that story definitely is comparable to mine. Others have drawn the connection too :) The largest difference being that "the beast" in my book isn't as gray as the one in the fairy tale - he's perfectly good and perfectly evil (I know that makes no sense), and it's up to the reader to decide which one they think he truly is. It's the conundrum the whole book is built around. 


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#88 Temeraire

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Posted 11 February 2018 - 01:26 PM

Knowing that makes me more interested in the story than the query did - but I guess that's because I'm a fairytale/fantasy fan, not so much the sci-fi... 


If I've helped you with your query, I'd love if you would take a look at mine! 

 

UNICORN (gothic fantasy) 

Query letter 


#89 TheBest

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Posted 11 February 2018 - 09:27 PM

No one in the world knows Jacob. No one knows where to find him, how to kill him, or how he stole the souls of twenty million men (Still great!). All they know is his name. But seventeen-year-old Jacob knows the world; he rules it with merciless law.  (Maybe throw in something about him ruling the world or him having power in the first sentence. Either way, this works.)

   

Many insurgencies have risen to overthrow his empire, but Jacob considers only one a threat: the Northern Rebellion and its one of its leaders, Jase, the man who is willing to die to assassinate Jacob.  It has two leaders. Curious, innocent Star poses no risk, butgolden-tongued Jase is willing to die to assassinate Jacob.  (Consider introducing Star in a different way -- this feels a bit clunky. Maybe split it up into two sentences.)

  

Jacob understands the untapped potential of Jase and doesn't want to kill him. But left untouched, Jase could fragment the nation Jacob has so cruelly crafted. To exploit Jase’s love of Star, his curious but innocent co-leader, Recognizing that Jase's weakness lies in his love of co-leader Star, Jacob kidnaps her, presenting himself as an impassive, ethical king capable of reading her every thought. As Star probes him for a weakness through hours of solitary conversation, Jacob employs his icy charisma to tempt her into learning more about him, trapping her in a place of affection and intrigue.  

  

Yet Jase, furious at Star's capture, attempts to save her. Jacob barely manages to halt the rescue, realizing that as long as Star desires freedom, Jase will try to liberate her. Ihe wants Jase brokenJacob must do more than captivate Star with mystery; he must unveil the truth about his power to win her loyalty. If he doesn't, she will stand by Jase. But if he does, he risks his anonymity... and his kingdom. 

 

Or, do you prefer either of the old last paragraph:

 

Yet Jase, furious at Star’s capture, attempts but fails to rescue her. Unshaken on the outside but secretly unnerved, Jacob offers Star the truth about his powers in exchange for her allegiance. She can stand by an ineffective but virtuous rebellion, or she can indulge her curiosity by joining a seemingly unbreakable tyrant. Jacob excels at manipulating the odds, but he’s playing a desperate game. Because Star’s decision, and Jase's response, will either shatter or reincarnate the earth. 

 

(I choose the second paragraph. The last sentence is a little confusing but still incredibly interesting.)

 

PUREST BLACK (120,000 words), a multi-POV young adult science fiction novel, blends the pace and world of Marissa Meyer’s“Renegades” with the style and philosophy of “Beasts of Extraordinary Circumstance”.

 

(Great work! It definitely reads better than before. Your biggest issue is length and wording. Cut it down a bit, and make sure that each sentence is smooth and pithy. Other than that, it's really amazing. I'm a sucker for this sort of YA intrigue Sci-fi. Good luck!)



#90 TheBest

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Posted 12 February 2018 - 05:01 PM

No one in the world knows Jacob. No one knows where to find him, how to kill him, or how he stole the souls of twenty million men. But seventeen-year-old Jacob knows the world; he rules it with diplomatic sadism.  (Don't like this too much)

OR: 

under merciless law

through political ruthlessness

​with bureaucratic savagery

​*some mix of the above words* (Better, but   I would try to keep it as simple as possible. Maybe "with an iron fist.")

Many insurgencies have risen to overthrow his empire, but Jacob considers only one a threat: the Northern Rebellion. It has two leadersCurious, idealistic Star poses no risk, but golden-tongued Jase is willing to die to assassinate Jacob.   (GREAT! This really works for me)

Jacob understands Jase's untapped potential and doesn't want to kill him. (Elaborate. Maybe understands Jase's untapped potential and wants to use him, not kill him.) But left untouched, Jase could fragment the nation Jacob has so cruelly crafted. To exploit Jase’s love of Star, Jacob kidnaps her, presenting himself as an omniscient king capable of reading her every thought. As Star reciprocally observes him for a weakness, Jacob employs his icy charisma to tempt her into learning more about him, trapping her in a place of affection and intrigue.  (Interesting, but awkward. Maybe 'forcing her into the uncomfortable space between attraction and intrigue.')

 

Yet Jacob must win more than Star’s curiosity to break Jase. He needs her willing loyalty, and for that, he must convince her that he's not as wicked as the world assumes by revealing his true plan. If it works, it could shatter the rebellion. But if it doesn't (fails), the truth will be his undoing (Downfall)

 

PUREST BLACK (120,000 words), a multi-POV young adult science fiction novel, blends the pace and structure of Marissa Myer’s “Renegades” with the style and atmosphere of Katherine Arden’s “The Bear and the Nightingale”. 

 

This is a tremendous improvement! Your only flaw is odd diction. Fix the word choice and awkward phrasing and you'll have something spectacular. Make sure that every word pulls the reader further into your story, with punch and power. Fantastic job, and good luck!



#91 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 12 February 2018 - 06:15 PM

 

 

 

Version 5.2:

No one in the world knows Jacob. No one knows where to find him, how to kill him, or how he stole the souls of twenty million men. But seventeen-year-old Jacob knows the world; he rules it with diplomatic sadism

OR:

under merciless law

through political ruthlessness

​with bureaucratic savagery

​*some mix of the above words*

Many insurgencies have risen to overthrow his empire, but Jacob considers only one a threat: the Northern Rebellion. It has two leaders. Curious, idealistic Star poses no risk, but golden-tongued Jase is willing to die to assassinate Jacob.  

Jacob understands Jase's untapped potential and doesn't want to kill him. But left untouched, Jase could fragment the nation Jacob has so cruelly crafted. To exploit Jase’s love of Star, Jacob kidnaps her, presenting himself as an omniscient king capable of reading her every thought. As Star reciprocally not sure if that word is necessary observes him for a weakness, Jacob employs his icy charisma to tempt her into learning more about him, trapping her in a place of affection and intrigue.  

 

Yet Jacob must win more than Star’s curiosity to break Jase. He needs her willing loyalty, and for that, he must convince her that he's not as wicked as the world assumes by revealing his true plan. If it works, it could shatter the rebellion. But if it doesn't, the truth will be his undoing.

 

PUREST BLACK (120,000 words), a multi-POV young adult science fiction novel, blends the pace and structure of Marissa Myer’s “Renegades” with the style and atmosphere of Katherine Arden’s “The Bear and the Nightingale”. 

 

 

Funny how everyone likes a slightly different phrasing on which synonyms to use  :tongue: Anyway, this is really good - only thing I can offer is that one little word change.



#92 TeaTime

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Posted 12 February 2018 - 09:09 PM

 

Version 5.2:

No one in the world knows Jacob. No one knows where to find him, how to kill him, or how he stole the souls of twenty million men (Interesting, but what does this mean exactly? Does this just mean that he killed them?). But seventeen-year-old Jacob knows the world; he rules it with diplomatic sadism(Or maybe "with calculated brutality (or "cruelty" for the alliteration).")

OR:

under merciless law

through political ruthlessness

​with bureaucratic savagery

​*some mix of the above words*

Many insurgencies have risen to overthrow his empire, but Jacob considers only one a threat: the Northern Rebellion. It has two leaders. Curious, idealistic Star poses no risk, but golden-tongued Jase is willing to die to assassinate Jacob.  

Jacob understands Jase's untapped potential (Is this potential useful to Jacob though if he already rules the world, & Jase is the only risk to his rule?) and doesn't want to kill him. But left untouched, Jase could fragment the nation Jacob has so cruelly crafted. To exploit Jase’s love of Star, Jacob kidnaps her, presenting himself as an omniscient king capable of reading her every thought (Interesting). As Star reciprocally observes him for a weakness, Jacob employs his icy charisma to tempt her into learning more about him (Sounds like she's already motivated to do that, so maybe make it more personal? Maybe "more about who he really is"?), trapping her in a place of affection and intrigue. (Is his end game with her just getting his rival Jase, or is he also personally interested in her? Or does he grow to be? What makes this icy 17-year-old world ruler tick besides world domination?)

 

Yet Jacob must win more than Star’s curiosity to break Jase. He needs her willing loyalty, and for that, he must convince her that he's not as wicked as the world assumes by revealing his true plan (Which is good?). If it works, it could shatter the rebellion (Which is bad?). But if it doesn't, the truth will be his undoing.

 

PUREST BLACK (120,000 words), a multi-POV young adult science fiction novel, blends the pace and structure of Marissa Myer’s “Renegades” with the style and atmosphere of Katherine Arden’s “The Bear and the Nightingale”.

 

This story has a lot of good tension between its three main characters & their situations. The most interesting element to me is that no one knows who rules the world (& that it's actually a 17 year old guy). I would be interested to learn even more about what Jacob wants (is it just normal world domination?) & why. The query kind of hints at him having a "true plan" that I assume is actually good--in a means justify the ends kind of way?

 

Anyway, keep up the good work  :happy: 



#93 Wayfarer

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Posted 12 February 2018 - 10:06 PM

EDIT: ignore this, reposting



#94 Arait

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Posted 12 February 2018 - 10:09 PM

I like "calculated brutality." Based upon what you reveal about Jacob in the synopsis, I think that description fits him best. In the end, his brutality is very calculated.

#95 Wayfarer

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Posted 12 February 2018 - 10:23 PM

No one in the world knows Jacob. No one knows where to find him, how to kill him, or how he stole the souls of twenty million men. But seventeen-year-old Jacob knows the world; he rules it with dogmatic brutality.

 

Many insurgencies have risen to overthrow his empire, but Jacob considers only one a threat: the Northern Rebellion. It has two leadersCurious, idealistic Star poses no risk, but golden-tongued Jase is willing to die to see assassinate Jacob's rule ended.

But Jacob cannot simply steal Jase's soul, for the young rebel possesses an untapped strength too great to waste.

Jacob understands Jase's untapped potential and doesn't want to kill him. In an attempt to force Jase's loyalty, Jacob kidnaps Star to exploit the young rebels love for her.But left untouched, Jase could fragment the nation Jacob has so cruelly crafted. To exploit Jase’s love of Star, Jacob kidnaps her, He presents himself to the girl as an omniscient king, employing his enigmatic charisma to trap her in a place of affection and intrigue.

 

Yet Jacob must win more than Star’s curiosity to take hold of Jase, he needs her willing loyalty. and In a final effort to convince Star that he is not as wicked as the world assumes, he reveals to her his true goal. If Jacob's plan works, it will shatter the rebellion. But If it doesn't, the truth will be his undoing.

 



#96 Artsnerd

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 09:16 AM

No one in the world knows Jacob. No one knows where to find him, how to kill him, or how he stole the souls of twenty million men. But seventeen-year-old Jacob knows the world; he rules it with diplomatic sadism

OR:

under merciless law

through political ruthlessness

with bureaucratic savagery

*some mix of the above words*

Many insurgencies have risen to overthrow his empire, but Jacob considers only one a threat: the Northern Rebellion. It has two leaders.Curious, idealistic Star poses no risk, but golden-tongued Jase is willing to die to assassinate Jacob. 

 

 

Jacob understands Jase's untapped potential and doesn't want to kill him. But left untouched, Jase could fragment the nation Jacob has so cruelly crafted. To exploit Jase’s love of Star, Jacob kidnaps her, presenting himself as an omniscient king capable of reading her every thought. As Star reciprocally observes him for a weakness, Jacob employs his icy charisma to tempt her into learning more about him, trapping her in a place of affection and intrigue. [You could probably make this sentence a bit punchier by making some parts a bit shorter and/or making some parts their own sentences.]

 

Yet Jacob must win more than Star’s curiosity to break Jase. He needs her willing loyalty, and for that, he must convince her that he's not as wicked as the world assumes by revealing his true plan. If it works, it could shatter the rebellion. But if it doesn't, the truth will be his undoing.

 

PUREST BLACK (120,000 words), a multi-POV young adult science fiction novel, blends the pace and structure of Marissa Myer’s “Renegades” with the style and atmosphere of Katherine Arden’s “The Bear and the Nightingale”.

Wow, this query has really gone places! There's honestly little I can think of changing. Great job! I'd say this is just about ready! :)


“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated.

In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.” 

―Maya Angelou

 

The query for my current WIP can be found here.

 

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#97 PureZhar3

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Posted 14 February 2018 - 06:30 PM

This story has a lot of good tension between its three main characters & their situations. The most interesting element to me is that no one knows who rules the world (& that it's actually a 17 year old guy). I would be interested to learn even more about what Jacob wants (is it just normal world domination?) & why. The query kind of hints at him having a "true plan" that I assume is actually good--in a means justify the ends kind of way?

 

Anyway, keep up the good work  :happy: 

​Thanks! I put up an edit... would you mind telling me if you like it better? 


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#98 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 15 February 2018 - 11:47 AM

Alright, I played around with this a little more given the suggestions. Feel free to tell me if you preferred the older version better :)

 

Also, I'm going to work on bringing down my word count in the actual manuscript. Thanks again!

 

Link to my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...lack-ya-sci-fi/
 

Version 5.3:

 

No one in the world knows Jacob. No one knows where to find him, how to kill him, or how he stole the souls of twenty million men. But seventeen-year-old Jacob knows the world; he rules it calculated brutality. (I still prefer under merciless law, but I think everyone is going to have a different opinion on the best wording, so use what you like best)

 

Many insurgencies have risen to overthrow his empire, but Jacob considers only one a threat: the Northern Rebellion. It has two leaders. Curious, idealistic Star poses no risk, but golden-tongued Jase is willing to die to assassinate Jacob.  

Left untouched, Jase could fragment the nation Jacob has so cruelly crafted. But Jacob understands the young rebel’s (ahh, I like how you managed to sneak his age in here) untapped potential and doesn’t want to kill him. To coerce submission (This transition feels forced.  The rest of the query flows really well, so it sticks out like a sore thumb, to me at least), Jacob kidnaps Star, whom Jase loves. Presenting himself as an omniscient king, Jacob employs his icy charisma to tempt Star into learning who he is, trapping her between affection and intrigue.  

 

Yet Jacob must win more than Star’s curiosity to break Jase; he needs her willing loyalty. For that, he must persuade her that he's not as wicked as the world assumes by revealing his true plan. If it works, it could shatter the rebellion. But if it doesn't, the truth will be his undoing.



#99 JP1994

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Posted 15 February 2018 - 05:26 PM

Fresh eyes!

 

Version 5.3:

 

No one in the world knows Jacob. No one knows where to find him, how to kill him, or how he stole the souls of twenty million men. But seventeen-year-old Jacob knows the world; he rules it calculated brutality. (Is there a grammatical error here? Is there a conjunction missing between 'it' and 'calculated', or is there some kind of lingo I'm missing out on?

 

Aside from that, it's a good hook! Really gets you wondering about where this query is about to go.)

 

Many insurgencies have risen to overthrow his empire, but Jacob considers only one a threat: the Northern Rebellion. It has two leaders. Curious, idealistic Star poses no risk, but golden-tongued Jase is willing to die to assassinate Jacob. (I'd cut Star out and focus entirely on Jase. Mentioning more than two characters by name will make a query too complicated. I also feel like this empire needs some expansion. If a seventeen-year-old 'cruelly' crafted a whole empire together, that sounds like a detail an agent would like to learn more about upfront.)

Left untouched, Jase could fragment the nation Jacob has so cruelly crafted. But Jacob understands the young rebel’s untapped potential and doesn’t want to kill him. To force submission, Jacob kidnaps Star, whom Jase loves. Presenting himself as an omniscient king, Jacob employs his icy charisma to tempt Star into learning who he is, trapping her between affection and intrigue. (The latter half of this paragraph loses fluidity and reads like a line in a synopsis, not a query. I'd condense it into something sharper.

 

As for Star, you could refer to her as 'the girl Jase loves more than the idea of freedom itself'.)

 

Yet Jacob must win more than Star’s curiosity to break Jase; he needs her willing loyalty. (Why? Does he plan to send her back as a spy upon turning her?) For that, he must persuade her that he's not as wicked as the world assumes by revealing his true plan. If it works, it could shatter the rebellion. But if it doesn't, the truth will be his undoing. (Stakes were good until the last sentence. It wouldn't hurt to a give a slight taste of what his plan is and how its unveiling could damage him.)

 

For the most part, this sounds good! It's just that I feel like a third name is a bit much, and there are some parts that could use rewriting and others a bit of expansion, in my opinion.

 

Good luck!



#100 PureZhar3

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Posted 15 February 2018 - 05:34 PM

Fresh eyes!

 

 

For the most part, this sounds good! It's just that I feel like a third name is a bit much, and there are some parts that could use rewriting and others a bit of expansion, in my opinion.

 

Good luck!

​Thank you! I highly appreciate it. If it isn't too much to ask, would you mind telling me if you prefer this older version (below) better? You don't need to line edit if you don't want, just let me know if you think it flows better. Thank you again!

 

No one in the world knows Jacob. No one knows where to find him, how to kill him, or how he stole the souls of twenty million men. But seventeen-year-old Jacob knows the world; he rules it with calculated brutality.

 

Many insurgencies have risen to overthrow his empire, but Jacob considers only one a threat: the Northern Rebellion. It has two leaders.Curious, idealistic Star poses no risk, but golden-tongued Jase is willing to die to assassinate Jacob. 

 

Jacob understands Jase's untapped potential and doesn't want to kill him. But left untouched, Jase could fragment the nation Jacob has so cruelly crafted. To exploit Jase’s love of Star, Jacob kidnaps her, presenting himself as an omniscient king capable of reading her every thought. As Star observes him for a weakness, Jacob employs his icy charisma to tempt her into learning more about him, trapping her in a place of affection and intrigue. 

 

Yet Jacob must win more than Star’s curiosity to break Jase; he needs her willing loyalty. For that, he must persuade her that he's not as wicked as the world assumes by revealing his true plan. If it works, it could shatter the rebellion. But if it doesn't, the truth will be his undoing.


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/






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