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THE MISFIT'S JOURNEY TO THE MONSTER'S CASTLE (MG fantasy)


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#1 Nonicks

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Posted 22 January 2018 - 09:36 AM

LATEST REVISION IN POST #7

 

Dear Agent,
 

When straight A's and perfect spelling fail to win him his parents’ approval, ten-year-old Bricen sets his mind on defeating a memory-devouring monster to impress his family. Heth is an intimidating beast, though. When a child looks her in the eye, his parents and friends forget him and the poor kiddo is banished forever. 
 

But Bricen is not afraid. Aided by his perky best friend and a grumpy Chihuahua-sized wizard, Bricen journeys to the monster's castle. Together, they escape from the cruel manager of a wizard-exploiting factory, and restore peace between giants who do not let their kids study Alphysica. When Bricen finally finds Heth's home, he's prepared to beat the mighty monster. Only Heth isn't the creature Bricen expects, but someone he's known for a very long time. 
 

THE MISFIT’S JOURNEY TO THE MONSTER’S CASTLE is an MG fantasy, complete at 36,000 words. With humor, adventure, and an omniscient narrator that sneaks in from time to time, Bricen's tale will appeal to fans of Lemony Snicket’s A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS and Pseudonymous Bosch's THE NAME OF THIS BOOK IS SECRET.
 

Thank you for your time and consideration.



#2 Jbaydoun

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Posted 22 January 2018 - 01:25 PM

Dear Agent,
 

When straight A's and perfect spelling fail to win him his parents’ approval, ten-year-old Bricen sets his mind on defeating a memory-devouring monster to impress his family. (Lol, I like this hook.) Heth is an intimidating beast, though. When a child looks her in the eye, his parents and friends forget him and the poor kiddo child is banished forever. 
 

But Bricen is not afraid. Aided by his perky best friend and a grumpy Chihuahua-sized wizard, Bricen journeys to the monster's castle. Together, they escape from the cruel manager of a wizard-exploiting factory, and restore peace between giants who do not let their kids study Alphysica (This part sounds a bit "synopsy. What is Alphsica?)When Bricen finally finds Heth's home, he's prepared to beat the mighty monster. Only Heth isn't the creature Bricen expects, but someone he's known for a very long time. (Good ending)
 

THE MISFIT’S JOURNEY TO THE MONSTER’S CASTLE is an MG fantasy, complete at 36,000 words. With humor, adventure, and an omniscient narrator that sneaks in from time to time, Bricen's tale will appeal to fans of Lemony Snicket’s A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS and Pseudonymous Bosch's THE NAME OF THIS BOOK IS SECRET.
 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

I like it! I would only beef up that second paragraph a bit, maybe by explaining Alphsica. You do a great job with the "voice" of this query, which is usually one of the harder things to do.

 

Good luck, and thanks for critiquing my query :)



#3 VSChapman

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Posted 22 January 2018 - 01:51 PM

Dear Agent,
 

When straight A's and perfect spelling fail to win him his parents’ approval, ten-year-old Bricen sets his mind on defeating a memory-devouring monster to impress his family. (cute)Heth is an intimidating beast, though. When a child looks her in the eye, his parents and friends forget him and the poor kiddo is banished forever. 
 

But Bricen is not afraid. Aided by his perky best friend and a grumpy Chihuahua-sized wizard, Bricen journeys to the monster's castle. Together, they escape from the cruel manager of a wizard-exploiting factory, and restore peace between giants who do not let their kids study Alphysica. ( what is Alphysica?) When Bricen finally finds Heth's home, he's prepared to beat the mighty monster. Only Heth isn't the creature Bricen expects, but someone he's known for a very long time. 
 

THE MISFIT’S JOURNEY TO THE MONSTER’S CASTLE is an MG fantasy, complete at 36,000 words. With humor, adventure, and an omniscient narrator that sneaks in from time to time, Bricen's tale will appeal to fans of Lemony Snicket’s A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS and Pseudonymous Bosch's THE NAME OF THIS BOOK IS SECRET.
 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

This sounds really cute!



#4 PureZhar3

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Posted 22 January 2018 - 05:18 PM

Dear Agent,
 

When straight A's and perfect spelling fail to win him his parents’ approval, ten-year-old Bricen sets his mind on defeating a memory-devouring monster to impress his family. Heth is an intimidating beast, though. When a child looks her in the eye, his parents and friends forget him and the poor kiddo is banished forever. Too many unspecified pronouns make this last sentence hard to follow.
 

But Bricen is not afraid. Aided by his perky best friend and a grumpy Chihuahua-sized wizard a tiny mentor sounds so cool, Bricen journeys to the monster's castle. Together, they escape from the cruel manager of a wizard-exploiting factory, and restore peace between giants who do not let their kids study Alphysica. When Bricen finally finds Heth's home, he's prepared to beat the mighty monster. Only Heth isn't the creature Bricen expects, but someone he's known for a very long time. While the plot in this paragraph is easy to follow, it's not focused on anything and I think you could use this space to build more tension. I'm not getting a strong sense of the stakes involved.
 

THE MISFIT’S JOURNEY TO THE MONSTER’S CASTLE is an MG fantasy, complete at 36,000 words. With humor, adventure, and an omniscient narrator that sneaks in from time to time I like this sentence, Bricen's tale will appeal to fans of Lemony Snicket’s A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS and Pseudonymous Bosch's THE NAME OF THIS BOOK IS SECRET.
 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Great query! My biggest recommendation is to think about how you can better convey rising tension throughout the second paragraph, because I lost focus with all the (apparently unrelated) details. Great start though - keep going and this'll be fantastic!


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#5 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 22 January 2018 - 06:47 PM

Dear Agent,
 

When straight A's and perfect spelling fail to win him his parents’ approval, ten-year-old Bricen sets his mind on defeating a memory-devouring monster to impress his family. Heth is an intimidating beast, though. When a child looks her in the eye, his parents and friends forget him and the poor kiddo is banished forever. (Like the person above said, the all the pronouns make this sentence very confusing and I had to read it over several times.)
 

But Bricen is not afraid. Aided by his perky best friend and a grumpy Chihuahua-sized wizard (YES!!), Bricen journeys to the monster's castle. Together, they escape from the cruel manager of a wizard-exploiting factory, and restore peace between giants who do not let their kids study Alphysica (?).When Bricen finally finds Heth's home, he's prepared to beat the mighty monster. Only Heth isn't the creature Bricen expects, but someone he's known for a very long time. 
 

THE MISFIT’S JOURNEY TO THE MONSTER’S CASTLE is an MG fantasy, complete at 36,000 words. With humor, adventure, and an omniscient narrator that sneaks in from time to time, Bricen's tale will appeal to fans of Lemony Snicket’s A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS and Pseudonymous Bosch's THE NAME OF THIS BOOK IS SECRET.
 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

 

I would totally have read this when I was a kid (and still would, let's be real.)  The only issue I had was the middle paragraph doesn't show the tension and conflict.  Great premise, and the world you created sounds awesome :)



#6 dizzywriter

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Posted 22 January 2018 - 08:31 PM

Dear Agent,
 

When straight A's and perfect spelling fail to win him his parents’ approval, ten-year-old Bricen sets his mind on defeating a memory-devouring monster to impress his family.[them.] Heth is an intimidating beast, though. When a child [If he] looks her in the eye, his parents and friends [will]forget him and [he'll be]the poor kiddo is banished forever. [I think this way makes the threat more real.]
 

But Bricen is not afraid. Aided by his perky best friend and a grumpy Chihuahua-sized wizard, Bricen journeys to the monster's castle. [what happens in between going on a journey. A nice peaceful thing. And ending up in a factory? They seem unconnected.] Together, they escape from the cruel manager of a wizard-exploiting factory, and restore peace between giants who do not let their kids study Alphysica. [I'd focus on one thing they do and flesh it out a bit instead of mentioning two without context]When Bricen finally finds Heth's home [too bland, "lair" or something like that], he's prepared to beat the mighty monster. Only Heth isn't the creature Bricen expects, but someone he's known for a very long time. 
 

THE MISFIT’S JOURNEY TO THE MONSTER’S CASTLE is an MG fantasy, complete at 36,000 words. With humor, adventure, and an omniscient narrator that sneaks in from time to time, Bricen's tale will appeal to fans of Lemony Snicket’s A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS and Pseudonymous Bosch's THE NAME OF THIS BOOK IS SECRET.
 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

I like it a lot and made some suggestions. I hope they help. Take a look at mine if you can.



#7 Nonicks

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Posted 23 January 2018 - 04:09 AM

Thank you for your great comments! I've made some changes:

 

 

When straight A's and perfect spelling fail to win his parents’ approval, ten-year-old Bricen sets his mind on defeating a memory-devouring monster to impress them. Heth is an intimidating beast, though. Anyone who locked gaze with the monster is forgotten by his family and banished forever.

 

But Bricen is not afraid. Aided by his perky best friend and a grumpy Chihuahua-sized wizard, Bricen journeys to the monster's castle. To get there, they must first restore peace between giants who do not let their kids study Alchemy, and evade capture from the manager of a wizard-exploiting factory. When Bricen finally finds Heth's lair, he's prepared to beat the mighty monster. Only Heth isn't the creature Bricen expects, but someone he's known for a very long time. 

 

THE MISFIT’S JOURNEY TO THE MONSTER’S CASTLE is an MG fantasy, complete at 36,000 words. With humor, adventure, and an omniscient narrator that sneaks in from time to time, Bricen's tale will appeal to fans of Lemony Snicket’s A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS and Pseudonymous Bosch's THE NAME OF THIS BOOK IS SECRET.



#8 PureZhar3

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Posted 23 January 2018 - 07:04 AM

Thank you for your great comments! I've made some changes:

 

 

When straight A's and perfect spelling fail to win his parents’ approval, ten-year-old Bricen sets his mind on defeating a memory-devouring monster to impress them. Heth is an intimidating beast, though. Anyone who lockeds gaze with the monster is forgotten by his family and banished forever. Much clearer - I like this

 

But Bricen is not afraid. Aided by his perky best friend and a grumpy Chihuahua-sized wizard, Bricen journeys to the monster's castle. To get there, they must first restore peace between giants who do not let their kids study Alchemy, and evade capture from the manager of a wizard-exploiting factory. When Bricen finally finds Heth's lair, he's prepared to beat the mighty monster. Only Heth isn't the creature Bricen expects, but someone he's known for a very long time. 

 

THE MISFIT’S JOURNEY TO THE MONSTER’S CASTLE is an MG fantasy, complete at 36,000 words. With humor, adventure, and an omniscient narrator that sneaks in from time to time, Bricen's tale will appeal to fans of Lemony Snicket’s A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS and Pseudonymous Bosch's THE NAME OF THIS BOOK IS SECRET.

This version is definitely clearer and more focused! It feels pretty polished to me, but I would suggesting getting some more new feedback, too.


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#9 alibi174

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Posted 23 January 2018 - 11:02 AM

When straight A's and perfect spelling fail to win his parents’ approval, ten-year-old Bricen sets his mind on defeating a memory-devouring monster to impress them. Heth is an intimidating beast, though. Anyone who lockeds gaze with the monster is forgotten by his family and banished [banished to where?]forever.

 

But Bricen is not afraid. Aided by his perky [by itself, this word doesn't evoke a real image] best friend and a grumpy Chihuahua-sized wizard, Bricen journeys to the monster's castle. To get there, they [this reads slightly awkwardly because your last clause was specifically about Bricen (which would mean a "he" rather than a "they," even though I know you're referring to the whole group] must first restore peace between giants who do not let their kids study Alchemy, and evade capture from the manager of a wizard-exploiting factory. When Bricen finally finds Heth's lair, he's prepared to beat the mighty monster [consider including something here about his plan. I assume he has some expectation of how he (a ten-year-old) could possibly overcome Heth]. Only Heth isn't the creature Bricen expects, but someone he's known for a very long time. 

 

THE MISFIT’S JOURNEY TO THE MONSTER’S CASTLE is an MG fantasy, complete at 36,000 words. With humor, adventure, and an omniscient narrator that sneaks in from time to time, Bricen's tale will appeal to fans of Lemony Snicket’s A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS and Pseudonymous Bosch's THE NAME OF THIS BOOK IS SECRET.

 

 

 

I would greatly appreciate any feedback you can provide on my new version of my query for BISECTER

If you have a few moments, I'd appreciate your feedback on my query for BISECTER (YA Fantasy).


#10 Wayfarer

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Posted 23 January 2018 - 12:34 PM

Thank you for your great comments! I've made some changes:

 

 

When straight A's and perfect spelling fail to win his parents’ approval, ten-year-old Bricen sets his mind on defeating a memory-devouring monster to impress them. Heth is an intimidating beast, though. Anyone who locks gazes with the monster is forgotten by his family and banished forever.

 

But Bricen is not afraid. Aided by his perky best friend and a grumpy Chihuahua-sized wizard, Bricen journeys to the monster's castle. To get there, they must first restore peace between giants who do not let their kids study Alchemy,  (This mention of alchemy feels out of place. Does it have anything to do with your first description of them needing to find peace? If not I think it would flow better if you removed it as a descriptor.) and evade capture from the manager of a wizard-exploiting factory. When Bricen finally finds Heth's lair, he's prepared to beat the mighty monster. Only Heth isn't the creature Bricen expects, but someone he's known for a very long time. 

Seems really solid to me. The only thing that broke the flow for me I noted in the quote above. Beyond that I understand your character, the stakes, and the journey, so it hits the points it's meant to.



#11 dizzywriter

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Posted 23 January 2018 - 01:13 PM



Thank you for your great comments! I've made some changes:

 

 

When straight A's and perfect spelling fail to win his parents’ approval, ten-year-old Bricen sets his mind on defeating a memory-devouring monster to impress them. Heth is an intimidating [I think you need a stronger adjective -- frightening, terrifying etc] beast, though. Anyone who lockeds gaze with the monster is forgotten by his family and banished forever.

 

But Bricen is not afraid. Aided by [With] his perky ['perky' doesn't tell us much] best friend and a grumpy Chihuahua-sized wizard, Bricen [you're mentioning Bricen twice a little too close in the paragraph. Work the sentence around "they", maybe?] [set forth on a ] journeys to the monster's castle. To get there, they must first restore peace between giants who do not let their kids study Alchemy, and evade capture from the manager of a wizard-exploiting factory [This reads too complicated]. When Bricen finally finds Heth's lair, he's prepared [how is a ten-year-old prepared? Has he been practicing along the way] to beat the mighty [mighty sounds a little too positive:] monster. Only Heth isn't the [horrible, strange or something like that] creature Bricen expects, but someone he's known for a very long time. 

 

THE MISFIT’S JOURNEY TO THE MONSTER’S CASTLE is an MG fantasy, complete at 36,000 words. With humor, adventure, and an omniscient narrator that sneaks in from time to time, Bricen's tale will appeal to fans of Lemony Snicket’s A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS and Pseudonymous Bosch's THE NAME OF THIS BOOK IS SECRET.

Some suggestions. I have a tiny rewrite up, though I think I'm almost there. Thanks for your input. Take a look if you can.



#12 ThatDan

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Posted 23 January 2018 - 02:33 PM

This is really good already. Not sure I have much to offer except nitpicking, and abstract suggestions.

 

Thank you for your great comments! I've made some changes:

 

 

When straight A's and perfect spelling fail to win his parents’ approval, ten-year-old Bricen sets his mind on defeating a memory-devouring monster to impress them. Heth is an intimidating beast, though. Anyone who locked gazes with the monster is forgotten by histheir family and banished forever.<maybe "banished to an eternal wasteland" or something which conveys an image?

 

But Bricen is not afraid. Aided by his perky best friend and a grumpy Chihuahua-sized wizard,<the wizard is very imagination friendly. the best friend, not so much. Bricen journeys to the monster's castle. To get there​On the way (I doubt the giant-problem is a requirement for reaching the castle, rather just a side-quest, right?), they must first restore peace between giants who do not let their kids study Alchemy, and evade capture from the manager of a wizard-exploiting factory. possibly a 3rd thing? i think you've got words to spare, and good things come in threes. When Bricen finally finds Heth's lair, he's prepared to beat the mighty monster. Only Heth isn't the creature Bricen expects, but someone he's known for a very long time. 

 

THE MISFIT’S JOURNEY TO THE MONSTER’S CASTLE is an MG fantasy, complete at 36,000 words. With humor, adventure, and an omniscient narrator that sneaks in from time to time, Bricen's tale will appeal to fans of Lemony Snicket’s A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS and Pseudonymous Bosch's THE NAME OF THIS BOOK IS SECRET.

 

One thing that comes to mind reading this, is I'm not 100% clear on the world setting. I get a good idea anyway, but I'm unsure if this is set in a magical land, or if it's one of those 'kid escapes into his imagination world, where every fantasy character is a manifestation based on real-life people he knows' kind of story. I don't really think its essential to clarify though, since I personally believe that a story like that can be great by purposely not stating if its real, or all just in the kid's head.


I'm no professional. Take my critiques merely as suggestions.

No active query atm.


#13 Kelz1990

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Posted 23 January 2018 - 07:16 PM

Thank you for your great comments! I've made some changes:

 

 

When straight A's and perfect spelling fail to win his parents’ approval, ten-year-old Bricen sets his mind on defeating a memory-devouring monster to impress them. Heth is an intimidating beast, though. Anyone who locked locks gazes with the monster is will be forgotten by his their family and banished forever.

 

But Bricen is not afraid. Aided by With his perky best friend and a grumpy Chihuahua-sized wizard by his side, (seems slightly vague) Bricen journeys to the monster's castle. To get there, they must first restore peace between giants who do not let their kids study Alchemy. Second, they must evade capture from the manager of a wizard-exploiting factory. When Bricen finally finds Heth's lair, he's prepared to beat the mighty monster. Only Heth isn't the creature Bricen expects, but someone he's known for a very long time. 

 

THE MISFIT’S JOURNEY TO THE MONSTER’S CASTLE is an MG fantasy, complete at 36,000 words. With humor, adventure, and an omniscient narrator that sneaks in from time to time, Bricen's tale will appeal to fans of Lemony Snicket’s A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS and Pseudonymous Bosch's THE NAME OF THIS BOOK IS SECRET. (Second comp is fine, but the first one is one of those major comps I would stay away from)



#14 VSChapman

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Posted 26 January 2018 - 10:21 AM

Thank you for your great comments! I've made some changes:

 

 

When straight A's and perfect spelling fail to win his parents’ approval, ten-year-old Bricen sets his mind on defeating a memory-devouring monster to impress them. Heth is an intimidating beast, though. Anyone who locked gaze with the monster is forgotten by his family and banished forever. (much better!)

 

But Bricen is not afraid. Aided by his perky best friend and a grumpy Chihuahua-sized wizard, Bricen journeys to the monster's castle. To get there, they must first restore peace between giants who do not let their kids study Alchemy, (I'm not sure why this is important. I think it could be taken out.) and evade capture from the manager of a wizard-exploiting factory. When Bricen finally finds Heth's lair, he's prepared to beat the mighty monster. Only Heth isn't the creature Bricen expects, but someone he's known for a very long time. 

 

THE MISFIT’S JOURNEY TO THE MONSTER’S CASTLE is an MG fantasy, complete at 36,000 words. With humor, adventure, and an omniscient narrator that sneaks in from time to time, Bricen's tale will appeal to fans of Lemony Snicket’s A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS and Pseudonymous Bosch's THE NAME OF THIS BOOK IS SECRET.

This is pretty solid to me. I like a lot of the line edits above to clean it up a bit, but honestly, this looks good. Good luck!



#15 ajvan

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Posted 02 February 2018 - 05:34 PM

It's been a couple years since I've critiqued a query, and I'm just getting back into it, so take my comments with a grain of salt. :)

 

When straight A's and perfect spelling fail to win his parents’ approval, ten-year-old Bricen sets his mind on defeating a memory-devouring monster to impress them. A briefer, punchier first sentence might be nice here. Maybe just allude to his new approach to approval and then describe it with your next sentence. Heth is an intimidating beast, though. Anyone who locked s gaze with the monster is forgotten by his family and banished forever. So maybe Bricen is getting in over his head...gotcha.

 

But Bricen is not afraid. Aided by his perky (cuttable adjective) best friend and (might replace this "and" with an m-dash) a grumpy Chihuahua-sized wizard, Bricen journeys to the monster's castle. To get there, they must first restore peace between giants who do not let their kids study Alchemy, and evade capture from the manager of a wizard-exploiting factory. Try and abbreviate this sentence--cut the alchemy, maybe? When Bricen finally finds Heth's lair, he's prepared to beat the mighty monster. Only Heth isn't the creature Bricen expects, but someone he's known for a very long time. Nice twist!

 

THE MISFIT’S JOURNEY TO THE MONSTER’S CASTLE is an MG fantasy, complete at 36,000 words. This may be a little on the short side. With (humor, adventure, and)--cuttable, since your query shows this an omniscient narrator that who sneaks in from time to time, Bricen's tale will appeal to fans of Lemony Snicket’s A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS and Pseudonymous Bosch's THE NAME OF THIS BOOK IS SECRET.

 

This sounds like a fun story! Questions...is Bricen human then? And I wish I had a little better sense of where he lives. In a castle? In magical America? Or is this a completely different realm?






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