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Elite Generation: Eclipse

New Adult Young Adult Science Fiction

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#1 Zach

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Posted 23 January 2018 - 08:43 PM

My Query for my Y/A Dystopia novel. Appreciate all feedback, and will reciprocate any help I get. 

 

 

 

Dear ______,

 

ELITE GENERATION: ECLIPSE is a YA/Science Fiction novel of 85,000 words, a unique cross between Ender's Game, Lord of the Flies, and Machiavelli's The Prince, and is Part 1 of 3 in a long-arc tragedy that is subtly revealed to be a villain origin story.

 

Merciless with her sniper rifle, keen to the manipulations of the other competitors, and driven by her mission for justice, the sixteen-year-old orphan Eclipse thought she was ready for the simulated warzone of Camp Overlord. But when she finds a companion who for the first time causes her to question whether she is fighting for justice or revenge, and if she can leave the camp with more of a soul than she entered it with.

 

As a dark voice constantly edges her towards violence in the name of justice, Eclipse becomes a deadly and merciless soldier in the Camp Overlord at the cost of self-imposed isolation. But Eclipse doesn’t need the approval of her fellow teammates; all she cares about is being noticed by the Academy, which uses the camp as a test to filter out the powerful from the powerless, subsequently training those who succeed to be Commanders in the greater World War. Only as a Commander can Eclipse have the power to exact justice on those who stole her family from her. Nothing could be more important than that.

 

While Eclipse’s initial ruthlessness might suit the Academy, she is gnawed by a deepening loneliness. But when she finds love in an unlikely friend, a new voice is born in Eclipse’s mind, one that urges her away from the violence and towards mercy.

 

As her illusion of justice slowly breaks, Eclipse is forced to make a choice. She can follow the dark voice, and let herself be consumed by the rage of vengeance, or listen to the light and reach out towards her only chance at true peace.

 

ELITE GENERATION: ECLIPSE will appeal to high school students who drawn to the those characters who subvert tradition good-evil dichotomies in their novels, and wonder about the events and decisions that ultimately create our most dangerous leaders. As a story arc, part one focus’ on the creation of tension between mercy and vengeance in Eclipse’s mind, part 2 focus’ on the gradual rise of mercy, while part three details her violent and tragic downfall. All three parts are available upon request.

 

Thank you for your consideration,

 

Zach Lindner

 


#2 Wayfarer

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Posted 23 January 2018 - 09:19 PM

Merciless with her sniper rifle, keen to the manipulations of the other competitors, and driven by her mission for justice, the sixteen-year-old orphan Eclipse thought she was ready for the simulated warzone of Camp Overlord. (This is a rather long sentence, I recommend trying to break it up) But when she finds a companion who for the first time causes her to question whether she is fighting for justice or revenge, and if she can leave the camp with more of a soul than she entered it with. (What are you saying here? This isn't a sentence.)

 

As a dark voice constantly edges her towards violence in the name of justice, (What is this dark voice? Would read better as 'As her darker instincts edge her towards...') Eclipse becomes a deadly and merciless soldier in the Camp Overlord at the cost of self-imposed isolation. But Eclipse doesn’t need the approval of her fellow teammates; (Why is self imposed isolation a cost if she doesn't care?) all she cares about is being noticed by the Academy, which uses the camp as a test to filter out the powerful from the powerless, subsequently training those who succeed to be Commanders in the greater World War. Only as a Commander can Eclipse have the power to exact justice on those who stole her family from her. Nothing could be more important than that. (This point about her family should take precedence in the query, so try to make it a keynote in the beginning of this paragraph to highlight why she wants revenge before going into how she seeks to attain it.)

 

While Eclipse’s initial ruthlessness might suit the Academy, she is gnawed by a deepening loneliness. (Again, I thought she doesn't care? Is this just teenage edginess? If not, be definitive regarding her stance on being alone. Otherwise make sure you explain that its teenage edginess in some way) But when she finds love in an unlikely friend, a new voice is born in Eclipse’s  her mind, one that urges her away from the violence and towards mercy. (Why does this love make her forget that her family was stolen/murdered?)

 

As her illusion of justice slowly breaks, Eclipse is forced to make a choice. She can follow the dark voice, and let herself be consumed by the rage of vengeance, or listen to the light and reach out towards her only chance at true peace.



#3 PureZhar3

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Posted 23 January 2018 - 09:48 PM

ELITE GENERATION: ECLIPSE is a YA/Science Fiction novel of 85,000 words, a unique Agents don't usually like editorializing cross between Ender's Game, Lord of the Flies, and Machiavelli's The Prince, and is Part 1 of 3 in a long-arc tragedy that is subtly revealed to be a villain origin story. From what I understand of querying, you definitely want to indicate that a book has series potential, but you don't necessarily want to say that it has to be part of a series. Agents prefer books that can be part of a series but still can be called 'stand-alone'. As for using classics as YA comps, I have been strongly advised against it with my own novel (something to think about).

 

Merciless with her sniper rifle, keen to the manipulations of the other competitors, and driven by her mission for justice, the sixteen-year-old orphan Eclipse thought she was ready for the simulated warspacezone of Camp Overlord. But when she finds a companion who for the first time causes her to question whether she is fighting for justice or revenge, and if she can leave the camp with more of a soul than she entered it with. Interesting concept - this sentence could be clarified and specified a bit. Who is this companion?

 

As a dark voice constantly edges her towards violence in the name of justice, Eclipse becomes a deadly and merciless soldier in the Camp Overlord at the cost of self-imposed isolation I thought she already was merciless?. But Eclipse doesn’t need the approval of her fellow teammates; all she cares about is being noticed by the Academy, which uses the camp as a test to filter out the powerful from the powerless, subsequently training those who succeed to be Commanders in the greater World War. You may want to stop this sentence at powerless, and make the whole "subsequently" part a new sentence. Only as a Commander can Eclipse have the power to exact justice on those who stole her family from her. This comes out of left field - you'll want to bring up her missing family, why she seeks revenge, and who specifically stole (killed?) them. Nothing could be more important than that. Superfluous sentence

 

While Eclipse’s initial ruthlessness you heavily emphasize her ruthlessness - almost to the point where it becomes redundant. Also, it makes her sound as if she has no other character might suit the Academy, she is gnawed by a deepening loneliness good - new characteristic. But when she finds love in an unlikely friend is this the same companion as before, or someone else, a new voice is she literally hearing voices in her head? because that is what it sounds like is born in Eclipse’s mind, one that urges her away from the violence and towards mercy.

 

As her illusion of justice slowly breaks, Eclipse is forced to make a choice. She can follow the dark voice, and let herself be consumed by the rage of vengeance, or listen to the light and reach out towards her only chance at true peace. Two thoughts: this really makes it sound as if she has voices in her head, and it also is a very general decision. I could apply this to any number of novels - if you want your query to stick out, you have to make it unique, so that it could only be describing your book

 

ELITE GENERATION: ECLIPSE will appeal to high school students who are drawn to the those characters who subvert traditional good-evil dichotomies in their novels, and wonder about the events and decisions that ultimately create our most dangerous leaders. As a story arc, part one focuses on the creation of tension between mercy and vengeance in Eclipse’s mind, part two focuses on the gradual rise of mercy, while part three details her violent and tragic downfall. If these are independent books, as you seem to indicate above, then you need to offer only the first. Agents don't want a series, they want the first book - if they love it, and your first one is published with success, they'll look into a series further. If, as this part seems to be implying, these are three parts of the same book, you need to clarify that at the top. All three parts are available upon request.

 

My biggest overall thoughts:

This is a really cool concept for a series. However, you need to be much more specific within your description of the novel (because that will raise the stakes). You should give a more holistic character overview of Eclipse, and should focus more on pitching the first book alone. Best of luck!


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#4 Springfield

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Posted 23 January 2018 - 10:52 PM

My Query for my Y/A Dystopia novel. Appreciate all feedback, and will reciprocate any help I get. 

 

 

 

Dear ______,

 

ELITE GENERATION: ECLIPSE is a YA/Science Fiction novel of 85,000 words, a unique cross between Ender's Game, Lord of the Flies, and Machiavelli's The Prince, and is Part 1 of 3 in a long-arc tragedy that is subtly revealed to be a villain origin story. These are all wildly inappropriate comps -- also, you query one, stand-alone book at a time.

 

Merciless with her sniper rifle, keen to the manipulations of the other competitors, and driven by her mission for justice, the sixteen-year-old orphan Eclipse thought she was ready for the simulated warzone of Camp Overlord. But when she finds a companion who for the first time causes her to question whether she is fighting for justice or revenge, and if she can leave the camp with more of a soul than she entered it with. This isn't a sentence, and even if it were, it wouldn't be punctuated correctly. In addition, it's just vague. You need specifics.

 

As a dark voice constantly edges her towards violence in the name of justice, Eclipse becomes a deadly and merciless soldier in the Camp Overlord at the cost of self-imposed isolation. But Eclipse doesn’t need the approval of her fellow teammates; all she cares about is being noticed by the Academy, which uses the camp as a test to filter out the powerful from the powerless, subsequently training those who succeed to be Commanders in the greater World War. Only as a Commander can Eclipse have the power to exact justice on those who stole her family from her. Nothing could be more important than thatFrom what I can gather, you've spent two paragraphs to say that your MC is training to fight in a war so as to be able to exact revenge against someone or something. That's way too much space for that little info. 

 

While Eclipse’s initial ruthlessness might suit the Academy, she is gnawed by a deepening loneliness. But when she finds love in an unlikely friend, a new voice is born in Eclipse’s mind, one that urges her away from the violence and towards mercy. 

 

As her illusion of justice slowly breaks, Eclipse is forced to make a choice. She can follow the dark voice, and let herself be consumed by the rage of vengeance, or listen to the light and reach out towards her only chance at true peace. Anything specific. You've got a generic story outline that you're conveying through vague generalities. You need to explain what makes your thing different.

 

ELITE GENERATION: ECLIPSE will appeal to high school students who drawn to the those characters who subvert tradition good-evil dichotomies in their novels, and wonder about the events and decisions that ultimately create our most dangerous leaders. As a story arc, part one focus’ on the creation of tension between mercy and vengeance in Eclipse’s mind, part 2 focus’ on the gradual rise of mercy, while part three details her violent and tragic downfall. All three parts are available upon request.

 

Thank you for your consideration,

 

Zach Lindner

 

 Dystopian YA is a hard enough sell as it is, don't make it harder. See above -- specifics. This also needs editing, badly, which suggests the manuscript may as well. 



#5 smithgirl

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Posted 24 January 2018 - 04:45 PM

Dear ______:

 

ELITE GENERATION: ECLIPSE is a YA/Science Fiction novel of 85,000 words, a unique cross between Ender's Game, Lord of the Flies, and Machiavelli's The Prince, and is Part 1 of 3 in a long-arc tragedy that is subtly revealed to be a villain origin story.

 

Put this info at the end of your query and don't editorialize. Also, these are strange comps (The Prince?). Finally, you only query one book per query letter. Each book in your potential series must be standalone.

 

Merciless with her sniper rifle, keen to the manipulations of the other competitors, and driven by her mission for justice, This is description overkill. Sixteen-year-old orphan comma Eclipse comma thought she was ready for the simulated warzone of Camp Overlord. But when she finds a companion who for the first time causes her to question whether she is fighting for justice or revenge, and if she can leave the camp with more of a soul than she entered it with. This last "sentence" is a fragment. It's also vague and unclear.

 

As a dark voice constantly edges her towards violence in the name of justice, What? Why? What kind of justice? Eclipse becomes a deadly and merciless soldier in the Camp Overlord at the cost of self-imposed isolation. Why is she in the camp? What isolation? But Eclipse doesn’t need the approval of her fellow teammates; all she cares about is being noticed by the Academy, which uses the camp as a test to filter out the powerful from the powerless, subsequently training those who succeed to be Commanders in the greater World War. What world war? Only as a Commander can Eclipse have the power to exact justice on those who stole her family from her. Oh, justice on those who stole her family. These needs to be right at the beginning and clarified. And how does becoming a commander help her? Nothing could be more important than that.

 

Does she literally have voices in her head? Is she mentally ill? Are they spirit voices? Or are you just describing her internal dialogue?

 

While Eclipse’s initial ruthlessness might suit the Academy, she is gnawed by a deepening loneliness. Redundant. You already said she is violent and isolated, but then you said she's fine with that, so it's both redundant and confusing.  But when she finds love in an unlikely friend, Who? a new voice is born in Eclipse’s mind, one that urges her away from the violence and towards mercy.

 

As her illusion of justice slowly breaks, What illusion? Eclipse is forced to make a choice. She can follow the dark voice, and let herself be consumed by the rage of vengeance, or listen to the light and reach out towards her only chance at true peace. What? This is too vague and generic: She has a choice: be good or bad. That is much too general.

 

ELITE GENERATION: ECLIPSE will appeal to high school students who drawn to the those characters who subvert tradition good-evil dichotomies in their novels, and wonder about the events and decisions that ultimately create our most dangerous leaders. As a story arc, part one focus’ on the creation of tension between mercy and vengeance in Eclipse’s mind, part 2 focus’ on the gradual rise of mercy, while part three details her violent and tragic downfall. All three parts are available upon request.

 

ELITE GENERATION: ECLIPSE is an 85,000-word YA/science fiction novel that is standalone with series potential. It will appeal to readers who like____.

 

 

Hey Zach. Your query is very vague and generic. You need to give us specifics. You spend a lot of time talking about justice, but just toward the end we learn it's somehow related to Eclipse's parents. You need to start over, make your query very specific. Tell us about Eclipse, what's going on with her. The justice for her parents thing seems to be a big deal, so maybe start with that.

 

Sixteen-year-old Eclipse is on a mission: become a Commander in the ongoing World War to revenge those who stole her family.

 

Rewrite your query to address these questions:

 

1. Who is Eclipse?

2. What does she want?

3. What obstacles(s) prevent her from getting what she wants?

4. What are the stakes?

 

We also need some sense of setting. Where is the story set? What is the greater World War? Who is Eclipse and where does she come from?

 

Start your query over from scratch. Make it very simple and specific. Then work out from that. Query writing is hard so don't be discouraged. Good luck!



#6 VSChapman

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Posted 26 January 2018 - 12:33 PM

My Query for my Y/A Dystopia novel. Appreciate all feedback, and will reciprocate any help I get. 

 

 

 

Dear ______,

 

ELITE GENERATION: ECLIPSE is a YA/Science Fiction novel of 85,000 words, a unique cross between Ender's Game, (love Ender's Game but I've read that you don't want to use classics as comps) Lord of the Flies, and Machiavelli's The Prince, and is Part 1 of 3 in a long-arc tragedy that is subtly revealed to be a villain origin story. (I would recommend moving this to the bottom)

 

Merciless with her sniper rifle, keen to the manipulations of the other competitors, and driven by her mission for justice,(whoa, way too much here. While I like the descriptions, they are a bit overkill. I'd stick to one or rewrite the sentence) the (I'd start the query here) sixteen-year-old orphan Eclipse thought she was ready for the simulated warzone of Camp Overlord. But when she finds a companion who for the first time, it causes her to question whether she is fighting for justice or revenge, and wonders? if she can leave the camp with more of a soul than she entered it with. (this sentence needs to be re-structured.)

 

As a dark voice in her head? constantly edges her towards violence in the name of justice, Eclipse becomes a deadly and merciless soldier in the Camp Overlord at the cost of self-imposed isolation. (If it's self-imposed is it really isolation?) But Eclipse doesn’t need the approval of her fellow teammates; all she cares about is being noticed by the Academy, which uses the camp as a test to filter out the powerful from the powerless, subsequently training those who succeed to be Commanders in the greater World War. Only as a Commander can Eclipse have the power to exact justice on those who stole her family from her. (I'd move this up. Why she wants justice is important here) Nothing could be more important than that.

 

While Eclipse’s initial ruthlessness might suit the Academy, she is gnawed by a deepening loneliness. But when she finds love in an unlikely friend, (is this the companion mentioned above?) a new voice is born in Eclipse’s mind, one that urges her away from the violence and towards mercy.

 

As her illusion of justice slowly breaks, Eclipse is forced to make a choice. She can follow the dark voice, and let herself be consumed by the rage of vengeance, or listen to the light and reach out towards her only chance at true peace.

 

ELITE GENERATION: ECLIPSE will appeal to high school students who drawn to the those characters who subvert tradition good-evil dichotomies in their novels, and wonder about the events and decisions that ultimately create our most dangerous leaders. As a story arc, part one focus’ on the creation of tension between mercy and vengeance in Eclipse’s mind, part 2 focus’ on the gradual rise of mercy, while part three details her violent and tragic downfall. All three parts are available upon request.

 

Thank you for your consideration,

 

Zach Lindner

I think you have a great idea for a story. Why someone turns into a villain is usually very interesting. But right now this is too broken up and confusing. I think you could probably cut a lot of words and get down to what is really going on here. A lot of the suggestions above are very good. Let me know when you have a revision and good luck!



#7 Zach

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Posted 29 January 2018 - 12:35 PM

Thanks all for your suggestions! I will be back with a revised query soon!







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