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The Masters of Mankind

Fiction Adventure Thrillers/Suspense

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#1 Billy robbins

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Posted 24 January 2018 - 01:49 PM

Dear Agent;   

In 2025 rogue scientists and generals (the Masters) control asteroids and extort 1.5 billion dollars from the United States. The NSA advisor to the president, Dr. Will Port assembles a team: a coed NASA scientist, and the only black Italian in the FBI, Agent Chennaulti. The asteroid will impact New York City in ten days and they must stop it.

 

                Ports team flies to Moscow to investigate the death of a top scientist in the Russian Space Federation. They track the death squads to find clues leading to the Masters lair. Port advises President Ivanna Clout to announce a 100 million dollar reward for information leading to the arrest, conviction, or death of the Masters. They follow a bloody trail from Paris to Beijing to uncover an international conspiracy stretching from the Russian mafia to deep pockets in corporate America. Will they catch the Masters in time?



#2 PureZhar3

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Posted 24 January 2018 - 02:06 PM

Dear Agent;   

In 2025, rogue scientists and generals (the Masters) Are both the scientists and generals rogue? You might be able to eliminate the word generals and just say "rogue scientists and Masters" (then add a sentence to say what Masters are) After reading the whole thing, I think you could eliminate the "rogue scientists" part, since they don't really come up again (we assume the Masters are in some way scientific) control asteroids and extort 1.5 billion dollars from the United States I don't quite understand the connection between these two. The NSA advisor to the president, Dr. Will Port assembles a team: a coed NASA scientist, and the only black Italian in the FBI, Agent Chennaulti.So does this team consist of just two/three people? Cause that seems a bit small to call it a team. Maybe a task force? Or some other term? This may be minor The asteroid will impact New York City in ten days and they must stop it. Ah okay. This makes the first sentence clearer. If you can indicate this threat in the first sentence, it will help clarify a lot.

 

Ports team flies to Moscow to investigate the death of a top scientist in the Russian Space Federation. This is random - how is it related to the asteroid? They track the death squads What are death squads? Are they literal death squads, or things specific to your story? to find clues leading to the Masters lair. This makes it sound as if the Master is one person (if you want plural possessive, it should be Masters') Port advises President Ivanna Clout to announce a 100 million dollar reward for information leading to the arrest, conviction, or death of the Masters. They follow a bloody trail from Paris to Beijing to uncover an international conspiracy stretching from the Russian mafia to deep pockets in corporate America. Will they catch the Masters in time? Agents usually don't like ending (or beginning) in rhetorical questions

 

Okay, a few thoughts:

1) your plot needs clarified, particularly how each event is linked to the next. You've got a lot going on, and you want to zoom in on only the most pertinent and main information.

2) you use too many names. Two or, at max, three names/characters should be used, or an agent is going to lose track and stop caring. In this case, it sounds like you'll want to focus on Will and the Masters.

3) I'm not getting much tension out of this - it could be because I was distracted by the plot, or because there actually isn't much tension. Something to keep in mind.

 

Overall, this definitely needs some plot clarification. Work out what's most important, and put that in alone. I know it's crazy hard, but keep trying :D
 


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#3 Wayfarer

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Posted 24 January 2018 - 02:08 PM

In 2025 rogue scientists and generals known as the Masters control asteroids and extort 1.5 billion dollars from the United States. The NSA advisor to the president, Dr. Will Port assembles a team: a coed NASA scientist, and the only black Italian in the FBI, Agent Chennaulti. The asteroid will impact New York City in ten days and they must stop it. (You write this sentence as if you've mentioned this dangerous asteroid before. All you've said is that the masters control asteroids and extort money. Did you mean that they try to extort 1.5 billion from the US by using their control of an asteroid as a threat? If so, you need to say that in clearer terms, and not just jump to it in a sentence that assumes the reader understood that prior.)

 

Ports team flies to Moscow to investigate the death of a top scientist in the Russian Space Federation. (What does this scientist have to do with anything? Again I assume he has to do with the Masters, but that isn't clear.) They track the death squads (Who are these death squads? Part of the Russian Space Federation? The Masters? Is the Federation linked to the Masters in some way?) to find clues leading to the Masters lair. Port advises Russian (I assume it's the russian president?) President Ivanna Clout to announce a 100 million dollar reward for information leading to the arrest, conviction, or death of the Masters. (Why does the US president want the Russian president to do this? I assume its because Ports team discovers that the Masters are Russian, but again, that's not clear.) They follow a bloody trail from Paris to Beijing to uncover an international conspiracy stretching from the Russian mafia to deep pockets in corporate America. Will they catch the Masters in time? (End on an If-then, not a question. If they don't - then this happens. It clearly outlines the stakes that way.)

Your query is confusing as it stands, and leaves the reader to make a lot of assumptions for themselves. You need to explain things a little more, otherwise it's a turn off to have to guess your story.

 

I know your main critique of my query was that it needed to be a certain amount of words and words per sentence. For the most part that is a good rule of thumb, but I think that you've taken it too literally yourself and lost a lot of your stories meat to it.



#4 Springfield

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Posted 24 January 2018 - 03:17 PM

Dear Agent;   

In 2025 rogue scientists and generals (the Masters) control asteroids What asteroids? Where? How? and extort 1.5 billion dollars from the United States. Eh? The NSA advisor to the president, Dr. Will Port He's the president? assembles a team: a coed NASA scientist, A what?  and the only black Italian in the FBI, I.... what? Agent Chennaulti. The asteroid will impact New York City in ten days and they must stop it. I am utterly baffled.

 

                Ports team flies to Moscow to investigate the death of a top scientist in the Russian Space Federation.Instead of trying to, you know, stop an asteroid? Is NASA not trying to do that too? Or any other space agency? They track the death squads what death squads? to find clues leading to the Masters lair. Port advises President Ivanna Clout Come on. to announce a 100 million dollar reward for information leading to the arrest, conviction, or death of the Masters.That seems broad, and illegal, and weird.They You have a serious problem with antecedents. follow a bloody trail from Paris to Beijing to uncover an international conspiracy stretching from the Russian mafia to deep pockets in corporate America. Will they catch the Masters in time?

 

I have no idea what's going on in this book, but the query is not presenting it as logical.



#5 Billy robbins

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Posted 25 January 2018 - 10:54 AM

Friends, Thanks for the suggestions. I have made changes and will read and ponder for a few days before reposting. Generally, The Masters control and divert the meteorites because they hacked into NASA's thruster program.  The team follows the suspicious death of the Russian scientist as he worked with the NASA thruster program.  I have deleted some confusing terms and unnecessary information. I appreciate the comments.







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