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Nightsworn - Adult Contemporary Fantasy (New Post #59)

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#21 galian84

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Posted 11 February 2018 - 11:09 AM

This sounds like a novel I would want to read, even though it's not usually my preferred genre. You sell it well -- the query, IMO, just needs a few more tweaks. Nicely done!

Hi Laurie, thank you for the crit! You've made some excellent points and suggestions as well, and I'll definitely take them into account with my next revision :)



#22 yawriter

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Posted 11 February 2018 - 12:05 PM

REVISION #3

 

Briella Forthyss planned to spend her last college months finalizing medical school plans and competing for a cross country championship. Instead, she’s Heard somewhere that it is more professional not to use contractions... "She is" hiding an assassin-turned-fugitive from another world. Can she not do both? it sounds like she drops out of college on the last few months TO DO this... maybe "she is distracted by ..." something like that?

 

Finding three dead bodies is the last thing Briella thought she’d she would see during running practice. ​Not sure if this first sentence is even necessary ... I don't see it pop up again.. if she's hiding an assassin I'm sure there would be dead bodies...Days later, she literally runs into striking, unusual Dusk, and she’s drawn to his mystique, giving bloom to an uneasy relationship. He asks for help to survive in her town until he can get home, and Briella agrees, never one to turn away someone in need. Okay..so far we've dropped the idea of the assassin... perhaps add a sentence about her hesitancy of having him over or something to tie it back into the hook?

 

The ugly truth hits her when local police show up at her doorstep, and an arrow strikes dangerously close to her heart. Part elf and demon, Dusk is exiled from his world for killing a prominent figureSo confused! what is happening... so Dusk is the bad guy? or is he the assassin? dangerously close to her heart but then you say "killing a prominent figure" is that supposed to be the girl? . And those dead bodies? He’s suspected in their murders, too. Okay so is it clear that he didn't kill the 3 bodies? Because the assassin did...why else would you bring it up in the hook? um...Does this girl even like Dusk? Why should I care about him just yet? A bounty hunter is also hot on their trail, his goal to bring Dusk back in chains. Or even better, headless. Accusing Briella of guilt by association, he’s happy to take her as a consolation prize, alive or dead, if she won’t give him up I like this sentence =] if she won't give who up though? Dusk? Didn't he try to kill her? Or the assassin? .

 

Dusk assures her that they’ll get through this together. But now, she’s not sure she still trusts the man who knowingly got her into this mess. Yet, handing Dusk over means trusting that the bounty hunter won’t kill or imprison her when he gets what he wants. One wrong word or move could see her physician and championship dreams – or her life – snuffed out. Strong ending! I can't wait for the next revision! I hope this helped...everything I said is, of course, just a suggestion!

 

NIGHTSWORN is complete at 98,000 words, and is an adult contemporary urban fantasy, with elements of romance and high fantasy, told in dual POVs. 

 

 

http://agentqueryconnect.com/index.php?/topic/38448-the-citys-whispers-paranormal-ya-romance-help/



#23 galian84

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Posted 11 February 2018 - 06:00 PM

Thanks for your suggestions, yawriter! Very helpful! I'm working on my newest revision now and making a few tweaks, hopefully this next version will be more clear/streamlined :)

 




#24 Artsnerd

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 09:10 AM

Paying back the query you did on my own! :)

 

Briella Forthyss planned to spend her last college months finalizing medical school plans and competing for a cross country championship. Instead, she’s hiding an assassin-turned-fugitive from another world. [This part is interesting, but I feel as though the first sentence as a hook isn't as strong as it could be...maybe somehow shorten the first sentence a bit and attach the second sentence to it to make it part of the hook, whether that's an em dash or something?]

 

Finding three dead bodies is the last thing Briella thought she’d see during running practice. [Woah, now this is an attention-grabber. Maybe this could be your hook instead?] Days later, she literally runs into striking, unusual Dusk, and she’s drawn to his mystique, giving bloom to an uneasy relationship. He asks for help to survive in her town until he can get home, and Briella agrees, never one to turn away someone in need.

 

The ugly truth hits her when local police show up at her doorstep, and an arrow strikes dangerously close to her heart. Part elf and demon, Dusk is exiled from his world for killing a prominent figure. And those dead bodies? He’s suspected in their murders, too. A bounty hunter is also hot on their trail, his goal to bring Dusk back in chains. Or even better, headless. Accusing Briella of guilt by association, he’s happy to take her as a consolation prize, alive or dead, if she won’t give him up. [This seems like a really interesting setup! Great job with this paragraph!]

 

Dusk assures her that they’ll get through this together. But now, she’s not sure she still trusts the man who knowingly got her into this mess. Yet, handing Dusk over means trusting that the bounty hunter won’t kill or imprison her when he gets what he wants. One wrong word or move could see her physician and championship dreams – or her life – snuffed out.

 

NIGHTSWORN is complete at 98,000 words, and is an adult contemporary urban fantasy, with elements of romance and high fantasy, told in dual POVs. 

 

I'm not typically a fan of fantasy, but this is one awesome query! :)


“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated.

In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.” 

―Maya Angelou

 

The query for my current WIP can be found here.

 

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#25 galian84

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 03:00 PM

 

 

I'm not typically a fan of fantasy, but this is one awesome query! :)

 

Thank you for your critique, Artsnerd! Much appreciated. I'm working on another version now that re-words a few phrases, and hopefully makes the overall query more clear. I'll post it once its ready to be reviewed :)



#26 galian84

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Posted 18 February 2018 - 09:44 PM

Well, I had one of my beta readers read my query, and even he was getting confused in parts. Which, I took as an extra bad sign. So, here's the newest revision :) Hopefully everything is much more clear-cut?

 

Again, you've all given me such helpful advice and suggestions so far, and I'm so grateful to have found this writing community! 

 

REVISION #4

 

Briella Forthyss planned to spend her last college months finalizing medical school plans and competing for a cross country championship. Instead, she’s hiding an assassin-turned-fugitive from another world.

 

When Briella encounters three dead bodies by the woods, she immediately reports them to police. She never thought she would literally run into the prime suspect of this crime: A striking, enigmatic man named Dusk. She’s drawn to his mystique, and a cautious relationship blooms. He convinces her that he’s innocent, and asks for help surviving in her town until he can get back home. Briella agrees, never one to turn away someone in need.

 

 

Consequently, local police show up at her doorstep. Soon after, a poisoned arrow narrowly misses Briella’s head, and Dusk finally confesses to her. He’s part elf and demon, exiled from his world for killing a prominent figure. Now, Zeyvn, a bounty hunter from their world, has been sent to bring Dusk back in chains, or even better, headless. Accusing her of guilt by association, Zeyvn is happy to take Briella instead, dead or alive, if she won’t give Dusk up.

 

 

Dusk assures her they’ll get through this together. But she’s not so sure she trusts the man who knowingly got her into this mess. Yet, handing Dusk over to Zeyvn could get her imprisoned in their world, or killed. One wrong move or word could see her medical future, athletic dreams, or her life snuffed out.

 

 

 

NIGHTSWORN is complete at 98,000 words, and is a dual-POV adult contemporary urban fantasy, with elements of romance and high fantasy. I am querying you because (something customized to said agent here)

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.



#27 Tiffany

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Posted 19 February 2018 - 12:42 AM

Well, I had one of my beta readers read my query, and even he was getting confused in parts. Which, I took as an extra bad sign. So, here's the newest revision :) Hopefully everything is much more clear-cut?

 

Again, you've all given me such helpful advice and suggestions so far, and I'm so grateful to have found this writing community! 

 

REVISION #4

 

Briella Forthyss planned to spend her last college months finalizing medical school plans and competing for a cross country championship. Instead, she’s hiding an assassin-turned-fugitive from another world. This feels a little too wordy to me and if I'm being honest it isn't really pulling me in even though this is a genre I like.

 

When Briella encounters three dead bodies by the woods, she immediately reports them to police. She never thought she would literally run into the prime suspect of this crime: A striking, enigmatic man named Dusk. She’s drawn to his mystique, and a cautious relationship blooms. He convinces her that he’s innocent, and asks for help surviving in her town until he can get back home. Briella agrees, never one to turn away someone in need.

 

 

Consequently, local police show up at her doorstep. Soon after, a poisoned arrow narrowly misses Briella’s head, and Dusk finally confesses to her. He’s part elf and demon, exiled from his world for killing a prominent figure. Now, Zeyvn, a bounty hunter from their world, has been sent to bring Dusk back in chains, or even better, headless. Accusing her of guilt by association, Zeyvn is happy to take Briella instead, dead or alive, if she won’t give Dusk up.

 

 

Dusk assures her they’ll get through this together. But she’s not so sure she trusts the man who knowingly got her into this mess. Yet, handing Dusk over to Zeyvn could get her imprisoned in their world, or killed. One wrong move or word could see her medical future, athletic dreams, or her life snuffed out.

 

 

 

NIGHTSWORN is complete at 98,000 words, and is a dual-POV adult contemporary urban fantasy, with elements of romance and high fantasy. I am querying you because (something customized to said agent here)

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

I really like everything you have except for the hook, overall I think it sounds like a very thrilling book and I love your premise! 


Please take a look at my query letter in return if you are able to. http://agentquerycon...ens-literature/

#28 PureZhar3

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Posted 19 February 2018 - 07:59 PM

Well, I had one of my beta readers read my query, and even he was getting confused in parts. Which, I took as an extra bad sign. So, here's the newest revision :) Hopefully everything is much more clear-cut?

 

Again, you've all given me such helpful advice and suggestions so far, and I'm so grateful to have found this writing community! 

 

REVISION #4

 

Briella Forthyss planned to spend her last college months finalizing medical school plans and competing for a cross country championship. Instead, she’s hiding an assassin-turned-fugitive from another world.

 

When Briella encounters three dead bodies by the woods, she immediately reports them to police. She never thought she would literally run into the prime suspect of this crime​some unnecessary words in here "immediately", "literally", "prime", etc.: A striking, enigmatic man named Dusk ​is there any way you can tell us more about him? Nothing against Dusk, I'm sure he's very handsome, but to be honest, they're always ​handsome (unless otherwise stated). She’s drawn to his mystique, and a cautious relationship blooms. He convinces her that he’s innocent ​I can imagine some people asking "how"?, and asks for help surviving in her town until he can get back home. Briella agrees, never one to turn away someone in need.

 

 

Consequently, local police show up at her doorstep. Soon after, a poisoned arrow narrowly misses Briella’s head, and Dusk finally confesses to her ​bear with me, but this almost read in my mind as "proposes". I know that isn't the actual word at all, but that's what popped into my mind. Maybe instead talk about how she demands Dusk explain what's going on and so he does? . He’s part elf and demon, exiled from his world for killing a prominent figure ​if you can give us a bit more info then please do. If not, because it would simply complicate the query, it works as it is. Now, Zeyvn, a bounty hunter from their ​his? world, has been sent to bring Dusk back in chains, or even better, headless ​try rephrasing this so that it has more of a punch. Accusing her of guilt by association, Zeyvn is happy to take Briella instead, dead or alive, if she won’t give Dusk up. 

 

 

Dusk assures her they’ll get through this together. But she’s not so sure she trusts the man who knowingly got her into this mess. ​very understandable Yet, handing Dusk over to Zeyvn could get her imprisoned in their world, or killed ​okay, I'm not following with this part. why will his disappearance get her imprisoned in our world? or killed?? why? do they believe in the death sentence in Florida?* One wrong move or word could see her medical future, athletic dreams, or her life snuffed out. ​could also be phrased to pack more punch

 

​*I don't actually have any clue what state this is in, or if it's even in the US, but that came to mind, so that's what got put down. Given the woods, it's actually probably unlikely

 

NIGHTSWORN is complete at 98,000 words, and is a dual-POV adult contemporary urban fantasy, with elements of romance and high fantasy. I am querying you because (something customized to said agent here)

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

​This is definitely better! I got lost near the last few sentences, though. You're doing great, overall!

 

​Also, I would appreciate it if you would check out my query again. I completely rewrote it and am trying to figure out how to fix the new version (or if I should revert to the old one). Thanks!


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#29 TeaTime

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Posted 19 February 2018 - 09:56 PM

REVISION #4

 

Briella Forthyss planned to spend her last college months ("last months of college" might be a more natural of a say) finalizing medical school plans and competing for a cross country championship. Instead, she’s hiding an assassin-turned-fugitive (This paragraph hook is a bit hard to easily all take in, so maybe either "assassin" or "fugitive," or "fugitive assassin") from another world.

 

When Briella encounters three dead bodies by the woods, she immediately reports them to police. She never thought she would literally run into the prime suspect of this crime: A striking, enigmatic man named Dusk. She’s drawn to his mystique (Hmm, maybe finding a subtler way of saying this would be better), and a cautious relationship blooms. He convinces her that he’s innocent, and asks for help surviving in her town until he can get back home. Briella agrees, never one to turn away someone in need.

 

 

Consequently, local police show up at her doorstep. Soon after, a poisoned arrow narrowly misses Briella’s head (Who does this arrow come from? Zevyn, who's introduced later on?), and Dusk finally confesses to her. He’s part elf and demon, exiled (Is he exiled though, if there's a bounty on him?) from his world for killing a prominent figure. Now, Zeyvn, a bounty hunter from their (I agree with PureZhar that it would be much clearer to say "his" or "Dusk's" instead of "their") world, has been sent to bring Dusk back in chains, or even better, headless. Accusing her of guilt by association, Zeyvn is happy to take Briella instead (I'm not sure if I follow this--why would Zevyn's bounty payers care about a random earthling when Dusk is the assassin? Maybe say something more along the lines of that Zevyn won't hesitate to kill anyone who gets in Zevyn's way), dead or alive, if she won’t give Dusk up.

 

 

Dusk assures her they’ll get through this together. But she’s not so sure she trusts the man who knowingly got her into this mess. Yet, handing Dusk over to Zeyvn could get her imprisoned in their (Which world? Isn't handing Dusk over the safe option for Briella so Zevyn doesn't bother her?) world, or killed. One wrong move or word could see her medical future, athletic dreams (Her med school & cross country stuff ... has kind of been dropped since the first line. And it's kind of been rendered insignificant with all of the murder & life stakes. I don't know if you are trying to make light of this, but something is needed to not make the contrast jarring), or her life snuffed out.

 

 

NIGHTSWORN is complete at 98,000 words, and is a dual-POV adult contemporary urban fantasy, with elements of romance and high fantasy. I am querying you because (something customized to said agent here)

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

This is an interesting mix of romance & fantasy. I think this draft just needs a couple little questions answered & then figuring how to fit her normal life stuff into the extra-worldly stuff without becoming irrelevant. Keep at it, I'm sure you'll be able to work all of that out.


Feel Free to Check Out My Current Query Letter Here, Thank You


#30 galian84

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Posted 20 February 2018 - 09:40 AM

​This is definitely better! I got lost near the last few sentences, though. You're doing great, overall!

 

​Also, I would appreciate it if you would check out my query again. I completely rewrote it and am trying to figure out how to fix the new version (or if I should revert to the old one). Thanks!

Thanks for the encouragement! Hmm, let me see what I can do to clear up the last couple sentences, I can understand where it could get confusing. I meant to say Zeyvn would bring Briella back to his and Dusk's world...maybe I will just write it that way and see how it looks.

 

I'll definitely take a look at your new query!


This is an interesting mix of romance & fantasy. I think this draft just needs a couple little questions answered & then figuring how to fit her normal life stuff into the extra-worldly stuff without becoming irrelevant. Keep at it, I'm sure you'll be able to work all of that out.

Thanks for the crit, Tea! l'll definitely see what I can do about getting those questions answered.



#31 Wayfarer

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Posted 20 February 2018 - 11:36 AM

Briella Forthyss planned to spend her last college months finalizing medical school plans and competing for a cross country championship. Instead, she’s hiding an assassin-turned-fugitive from another world.

 

When Briella encounters three dead bodies by the woods, she immediately reports them to police. She never thought she would literally run into the prime suspect of the crime: A striking, enigmatic man named Dusk. She’s drawn to his mystique, and a cautious relationship blooms. He convinces her that he’s innocent, and asks for help surviving in her town until he can get back home. Briella agrees, never one to turn away someone in need.

 

 

When local police show up at her doorstep, and a poisoned arrow narrowly misses Briella’s head, and Dusk finally comes clean. He’s part elf and demon, exiled from his world for killing a prominent figure. Now, Zeyvn, a bounty hunter from their world, has been sent to bring Dusk back in chains, or if the opportunity arises, headless. Accusing her of guilt by association, Zeyvn is happy to take Briella instead, dead or alive, if she won’t give Dusk up.

 

 

Dusk assures her they’ll get through this together. But she’s not so sure she trusts the man who knowingly got her into this mess. Yet, handing Dusk over to Zeyvn could get her imprisoned in their world, or killed. One wrong move or word could mean the death of her medical future, athletic dreams, and worse yet, herself.

Looking really good. I only had a few phrasing changes to suggest to increase readability. The overall structure you have now is very much in the vein of a good query. I love that you leave the "Elf/Demon" reveal until the third paragraph, does a great job of renewing attention.



#32 galian84

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Posted 20 February 2018 - 11:44 AM

Looking really good. I only had a few phrasing changes to suggest to increase readability. The overall structure you have now is very much in the vein of a good query. I love that you leave the "Elf/Demon" reveal until the third paragraph, does a great job of renewing attention.

Great suggestions, Wayfarer, thank you for looking over this draft and for your critique!!



#33 JRUET

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Posted 06 March 2018 - 02:30 PM

Note: I did not read prior critiques so I came at this fresh, so if you've explained things I'm hitting on, sorry :)

 

Briella Forthyss planned to spend her last college months Last month in college, or maybe undergrad if she's going to med school it's not really the last is it? finalizing medical school plans and competing for a cross country championship So cross country is a fall sport which throws me off a bit because when you said "last months" I assumed she was graduating in the spring and this was some time between march-may. If it's more than a couple months I'd say change this to "semester" or "year". Instead, she’s hiding an assassin-turned-fugitive from another world. This is interesting.

 

When Briella encounters three dead bodies by the woods, she immediately reports them to police ​Is this before or after hiding the fugitive? If it's after, disregard the following- you're query is too short to mess with the timeline, keep everything chronological even if the story isn't to avoid confusion. Essentially you want it to go - this, then this, then that happ, and now I want to read your book!. She never thought she would literally run as in she was running and crashed into him? I hope so, cuz otherwise I'm gonna be disappointed ;) into the prime suspect of this crime: A striking, enigmatic this doesn't tell me much about him, obviously anyone you just crashed into that's being hassled by the police for suspected murder is going to be pretty tight lipped man named Dusk. She’s drawn to his mystique, and a cautious relationship blooms. He convinces her that he’s innocent, and asks for help surviving in her town until he can get back home. Briella agrees, never one to turn away someone in need. This feels like a lot of back story, it's interesting but maybe not critical to getting my blood pumping about this story. I know a little about Briella, nothing about Dusk, and I don't feel the stakes at this point in the query.

 

 

Consequently, local police show up at her doorstep. How much do we care about the police when people are shooting at your MC with poison arrows? Soon after, a poisoned arrow narrowly misses Briella’s head, and Dusk finally confesses to her. He’s part elf and demon, exiled from his world for killing a prominent figure woof, now you've fianlly got my attention. assassination attempts and alternative worlds are far more attention grabbing than hesitant romances. Now, Zeyvn, a bounty hunter from their only Dusk is from this world, unless you've got a bomb to drop on Briella world, has been sent to bring Dusk back in chains, or even better, headless. Accusing her of guilt by association, Zeyvn is happy to take Briella instead, dead or alive, if she won’t give Dusk up.

 

 

Dusk assures her they’ll get through this together. But she’s Now Briella isn't so sure she trusts the man who knowingly got her into this mess. Yet, handing Dusk over to Zeyvn could get her imprisoned in their world, or killed. One wrong move or word could see her medical future, athletic dreams, or even her life snuffed out.

 

 

 

NIGHTSWORN is complete at 98,000 words, and is a dual-POV adult contemporary urban fantasy, with elements of romance and high fantasy. I am querying you because (something customized to said agent here)

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

You've got an interesting concept here, and as previously stated, I didn't not read former renditions so as to come at it fresh. I think on your next go-round you need to be a bit more brutal with word choice. As a former teacher I used to make my students defend their writing by asking the questions: "why this word in this place, and not a different word in another place?"

 

Hope this helps with revisions and isn't too harsh (I was a very mean grader as a teacher). 

 

 

I'd love feedback on my inquiry if you are able, thanks! http://agentqueryconnect.com/index.php?/topic/38524-agents-of-balance-ya-fantasy-2nd-revision-options/#entry353945



#34 galian84

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Posted 19 March 2018 - 08:26 PM

This is SO overdue, but I just wanted to stop in and say THANK YOU for all the crits on my newest revision! I've had a lot going on IRL so I haven't been able to stop in recently to do any kind of decent job on reciprocating crits, but I'll get to that ASAP.

 

Here's another stab at it. I ended up cutting about 40 words out of it, and cut out some details that probably weren't necessary to the major conflict (like the police involvement, Dusk's pedigree, her being a cross-country runner), and thought made the query too convoluted. Not sure if that helped or hurt the query though, I'm getting query-blind to it, at this point! And no, I don't mind harsh critiques at all.

 

Thanks in advance again for all the crits on this newest version, and to everyone who's critted so far to help me (gradually) get this thing into shape!

 

**Belated thank you to JRUET for your detailed crit and for the catch on the cross country schedule. I actually had to go back and adjust the timeline in my MS**

 

 

   

REVISION #5

 

When pre-med student Briella Fan encounters three dead bodies by the woods, she never thought she would wind up hiding the suspected perpetrator: Dusk, an assassin-made-fugitive from another world.

 

She just wanted to help someone in need, and Dusk pled his case well enough. He convinced her that he’s innocent, and just needs to learn the ins and outs of her town until he can get back home. From this, a cautious relationship bloomed.

 

Briella soon comes to regret her decision after a poisoned arrow narrowly misses her head. When she demands answers, Dusk finally comes clean. He fled his world for killing a Duchess. And Zeyvn, a bounty hunter from Dusk’s world, has followed him, intent on bringing Dusk back in chains, or even better, headless. Accusing Briella of guilt by association, Zeyvn will take her instead, dead or alive, if she won’t give Dusk up.

 

Dusk assures her they’ll get through this together. But now, she isn’t sure she trusts the man who knowingly got her into this mess. Yet, handing Dusk over could get her imprisoned in another world, or killed. One wrong move could mean the death of her medical future, or worse yet, herself.

 

NIGHTSWORN is an adult contemporary fantasy complete at 98,000 words, told from multiple points of view. 



#35 IndusiumGriseum

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Posted 20 March 2018 - 08:59 AM

This is SO overdue, but I just wanted to stop in and say THANK YOU for all the crits on my newest revision! I've had a lot going on IRL so I haven't been able to stop in recently to do any kind of decent job on reciprocating crits, but I'll get to that ASAP.

 

Here's another stab at it. I ended up cutting about 40 words out of it, and cut out some details that probably weren't necessary to the major conflict (like the police involvement, Dusk's pedigree, her being a cross-country runner), and thought made the query too convoluted. Not sure if that helped or hurt the query though, I'm getting query-blind to it, at this point! And no, I don't mind harsh critiques at all.

 

Thanks in advance again for all the crits on this newest version, and to everyone who's critted so far to help me (gradually) get this thing into shape!

 

**Belated thank you to JRUET for your detailed crit and for the catch on the cross country schedule. I actually had to go back and adjust the timeline in my MS**

 

 

   

REVISION #5

 

When pre-med student Briella Fan encounters three dead bodies by the woods, she never thought she would wind up hiding the suspected perpetrator: Dusk, an assassin-made-fugitive from another world. (The hiding part is what is confusing me. I think you have too much information here. Just encountering Dusk would have been enough for the first line. You can explain her hiding him in the second.)

 

She just wanted to help someone in need, and Dusk pled his case well enough. He convinced her that he’s innocent, and just needs to learn the ins and outs of her town until he can get back home. From this, a cautious relationship bloomed. (I think you can make this a little stronger in a "show don't tell" kind of way.)

 

Briella soon comes to regret her decision after a poisoned arrow narrowly misses her head. When she demands answers, Dusk finally comes clean. He fled his world for killing a Duchess. And Zeyvn, a bounty hunter from Dusk’s world, has followed him, intent on bringing Dusk back in chains, or even better, headless. Accusing Briella of guilt by association, Zeyvn will take her instead, dead or alive, if she won’t give Dusk up.

 

Dusk assures her they’ll get through this together. But now, she isn’t sure she trusts the man who knowingly got her into this mess. Yet, handing Dusk over could get her imprisoned in another world, or killed. (For hiding a fugitive?) One wrong move could mean the death of her medical future, or worse yet, herself.

 

NIGHTSWORN is an adult contemporary fantasy complete at 98,000 words, told from multiple points of view. 

 

Sounds like a great story! :)


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#36 Bibliophyl

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Posted 20 March 2018 - 11:55 AM

When pre-med student Briella Fan encounters three dead bodies by the woods, she never thought she would wind up hiding the suspected perpetrator: Dusk, an assassin-made-fugitive from another world. I agree that this line is maybe a bit over-packed with info. Try to split it up? 

 

She just wanted to help someone in need, and Dusk pled his case well enough. He convinced her that he’s innocent, and just needs to learn the ins and outs of her town until he can get back home. From this, a cautious relationship bloomed. You could add some characterization by expanding on what attracts them together--it falls a little flat as is. 

 

Briella soon comes to regret her decision after a poisoned arrow narrowly misses her head. When she demands answers, Dusk finally comes clean. He fled his world for killing a Duchess. Could make this stronger with a bit more explanation..."A duchess whose family rules their world..." or something like that to make us understand the impact. And Zeyvn, [I'd consider not naming him and just calling him "the bounty hunter"] a bounty hunter from Dusk’s world, has followed him, intent on bringing Dusk back in chains, or even better, headless. Accusing Briella of guilt by association, Zeyvn will take her instead, dead or alive, if she won’t give Dusk up. There are a lot of commas in the last sentence--it tripped me up a bit. "The bounty hunter threatens Briella with death or imprisonment if she won't give Dusk up."

 

Dusk assures her they’ll get through this together. But now, she isn’t sure she trusts the man who knowingly got her into this mess. Yet, handing Dusk over could get her imprisoned in another world, or killed. One wrong move could mean the death of her medical future, or worse yet, herself.

 

NIGHTSWORN is an adult contemporary fantasy complete at 98,000 words, told from multiple points of view. 

 

Hope that was helpful! These are just my suggestions. Your story sounds interesting :)



#37 mkuriel

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Posted 20 March 2018 - 07:55 PM

When pre-med student Briella Fan encounters three dead bodies by the woods, she never thought she would wind up hiding the suspected perpetrator: Dusk, an assassin-made-fugitive from another world. [there's a lot crammed in this sentence, this is just a suggestion to make it a little more succinct. Of course, if you cut his name and mention of him being an assassin, then you'll want to find a place to put those details back in.]

 

She just wanted to help someone in need, and [the fugitive,] Dusk pled his case well enough. He convinced her that he’s innocent, and just needs to learn the ins and outs of her town until he can get back home. ['innocent' seems like an odd word to use here... and why does he need to go to the town if he's from out-of-world? Something more concrete and convincing would make more sense and make your MC read less gullible. I.e. convinces her that he was lost in the woods and has never seen the dead bodies before.] From this, a cautious relationship bloomed. [flat and, again, unconvincing. Your pre-med student seems far too quick to dismiss three dead bodies.]

 

 

[The third paragraph mostly reads like telly, wordy narrative. Making suggestions to trim and turn it into information for a query]

Briella soon comes to regretted her decision after an poisoned arrow narrowly misseds her head. [take out details she can't possibly know, keep it in past tense, and maybe consider rewording the sentence to introduce the plot complication rather than the arrow: When a bounty hunter appeared...] When she demands answers, Dusk finally comes clean. He admitted to being an assassin who fled his world for killing a Duchess. And Zeyvn, a bounty hunter from Dusk’s world, has followed him, intent on bringing Dusk back in chains, or even better, headless.[nothing technically wrong with this but you could cut it] Accusing [poor word choice; he's not accusing, he's convicting] Briella of guilt by association, Zeyvn will take her instead, dead or alive, if she won’t give Dusk up. [the rest of the last sentence is awkward because it switches to Zevyn's POV when everything thus far has been in Briella's. Also, it implies one of two things: 1. Zevyn is ineffectually yelling this condemnation at them in the woods like a child or 2. He's already captured Briella and is resulting to douche-baggery because he's bad at his job... A third option... I read too much between the lines...]

 

Dusk assures her they’ll get through this together. [this leads me to conclude option 1] But now, she isn’t sure she trusts the man who knowingly got her into this mess. Yet, handing Dusk over could get her imprisoned in another world, or killed. One wrong move could mean the death of her medical future, or worse yet, herself. [her medical future, thanks to the above context, is a very weak and unimportant stake compared with 'killed for aiding and abetting'... this whole last paragraph is riddled with redundancies.]

 

NIGHTSWORN is an adult contemporary fantasy complete at 98,000 words, told from multiple points of view.

 

 

 

Also, I just realized that I've no idea how/why/where the 'from another world' part matters to this query.

 

Ok, since I mostly shredded it above, here's a possible rebuilding:

 

When pre-med student Briella Fan encounters three dead bodies in the woods, she never thought she would wind up hiding a fugitive.

 

She just wanted to help someone in need and the fugitive, Dusk, convinced her that he was lost in the woods and never saw those bodies before. When a man appeared, firing arrows, the two fled to safety. Angry and confused, Briella forced the truth from Dusk: he's an assassin on the run for killing a Duchess. The man was a bounty hunter who wants him dead or alive and will happily kill Briella to get to him.

 

Briella isn't sure she can trust this lying assassin, but the bounty hunter who would imprison or kill her for unwittingly helping him isn't any better.

 

If nothing else, take it as a suggested way to cut the fluff. If there's any sort of romance brewing between Briella and Dusk, it's so far between the lines as to be invisible. Bring it out more if its pertinent, otherwise don't.

 

Final thought: this would also have a genre tag of 'hidden world'... I just have no idea why it would matter to the query. Plot and setting, sure. Query, not so much.

 

Hope that helps!



#38 galian84

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Posted 22 March 2018 - 02:19 PM

Thanks for the critiques! You all have been so helpful so far. mkuriel, a thousand thanks for the detailed and immensely helpful crit.

 

Revising again!



#39 pete_b

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Posted 23 March 2018 - 12:45 AM

Heh, I came by to reciprocate, but I'll check back in a while for the latest revision. Just commenting to make it easier to find.



#40 galian84

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Posted 31 March 2018 - 10:01 AM

Hi all,

 

Taking another stab at this. Decided to play around with changing some of the wording, and took as many of your suggestions into account as I could. Hopefully things are more concise this time around, and the characters' motivations are clearer. Again, any and all suggestions/critiques appreciated! Thanks so much again for all the help so far!

 

 

REVISION #6

 

Briella Fan originally planned to finish her pre-med program and compete for a cross country championship. Instead, she’s hiding a fugitive assassin from another world.

 

After finding three dead bodies near the woods, she runs and crashes into the perpetrator – an enigmatic man named Dusk. He convinces her he’s lost and far from home, and doesn’t know a thing about those bodies. Wanting to help a soul in need, Briella shows him the ins and outs of her town and becomes his trusted confidante. In time, a cautious relationship blooms.

 

She comes to regret that decision when a strange, hooded man ambushes her, demanding to know Dusk’s whereabouts. Forcing the truth from Dusk reveals that he fled his world for murdering a Duchess. The hooded man is a bounty hunter intent on imprisoning, or killing Dusk for his crime, and stalks and terrorizes Briella to get to him.

 

Briella no longer trusts the man who got her into this mess. Yet, giving Dusk up holds no guarantee that the bounty hunter won’t turn on her next, for unwittingly helping his mark. One wrong move could see her athletic and medical future – or worse, her freedom – vanish into the night.

 

NIGHTSWORN is an adult contemporary fantasy complete at 98,000 words, told from multiple points of view. 







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