Taking another stab at this. Decided to play around with changing some of the wording, and took as many of your suggestions into account as I could. Hopefully things are more concise this time around, and the characters' motivations are clearer. Again, any and all suggestions/critiques appreciated! Thanks so much again for all the help so far!
originally plannedis excited to finish her pre-med program and compete for a cross country championship. But Instead, she’s hiding a fugitive assassin from another world.
After findingWhile fleeing three dead bodies near the woods, she runs andunknowingly crashes into the perpetrator – an enigmatic man named Dusk. HeWho convinces her he’s lost, andfar from home, and doesn’t know a thing about those bodies. Wanting to help a soul in need, Briella shows him the ins and outs of her town andbecoming his trusted confidante. In time, a cautious relationship blooms.
She comes to regret that decision when a strange, hooded man ambushes her, demanding to know Dusk’s whereabouts. Forcing the truth from Dusk reveals that he fled his world for murdering a Duchess and the hooded man is a cruel bounty hunter. Who is not above terrorizing Briella to ensure Dusk is caught and pays for his crime.
intent on imprisoning, or killing Dusk for his crime, and stalks and terrorizes Briella to get to him.(I found this last sentence tough the read, tried to simplify, the "stalks and terrorizes" piece seemed like a tack on the end.)
Briella no longer trusts the man who got her into this mess (see comment below). Yet, giving Dusk up holds no guarantee that the bounty hunter won’t turn on her next, for
unwittinglyhelping his mark. One wrong move could see her athletic and medical future – or worse, her freedom – vanish into the night.
NIGHTSWORN is an adult contemporary fantasy complete at 98,000 words, told from multiple points of view.
Nice job, interesting story line, something I would read. I have not read your old comments so apologies if It repeat or missed something. Here are my general comments
I was confused by your opening, "originally planned" seemed to indicate she was going to go then decided not too. Your closing shows that is still what she wants, as its at risk. I tried to emphasize that is still what she wants in the 1st paragraph.
Comment from above: I had trouble identifying if Dusk is ultimately good or bad (an assassin with 4 dead bodies to his name sounds very bad, but maybe they deserved to die). If bad, why not just turn him in? If she still cares for Dusk (which creates a dilemma on turning him in). Strengthen your close.. Maybe replace "who got her into this mess" with "who still holds her heart" of say "he's misunderstood." Something that will clarify what her dilemma is. If he's a cold blooded serial killer and the only consequence from the bounty hunter is her personal freedom, she should still turn him in...
I tried to eliminate some "ands".
Again nice job, it looks good. I'll look for the next revision. Best of luck going forward!