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Nightsworn - Adult Contemporary Fantasy (New Post #59)

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#41 lostcajun

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Posted 31 March 2018 - 12:26 PM

Hi all,

 

Taking another stab at this. Decided to play around with changing some of the wording, and took as many of your suggestions into account as I could. Hopefully things are more concise this time around, and the characters' motivations are clearer. Again, any and all suggestions/critiques appreciated! Thanks so much again for all the help so far!

 

 

REVISION #6

 

Briella Fan originally planned is excited to finish her pre-med program and compete for a cross country championship. But Instead, she’s hiding a fugitive assassin from another world.

 

After finding While fleeing three dead bodies near the woods, she runs and unknowingly crashes into the perpetrator – an enigmatic man named Dusk. He Who convinces her he’s lost, and far from home, and doesn’t know a thing about those bodies. Wanting to help a soul in need, Briella shows him the ins and outs of her town and becoming his trusted confidante. In time, a cautious relationship blooms.

 

She comes to regret that decision when a strange, hooded man ambushes her, demanding to know Dusk’s whereabouts. Forcing the truth from Dusk reveals that he fled his world for murdering a Duchess and the hooded man is a cruel bounty hunter. Who is not above terrorizing Briella to ensure Dusk is caught and pays for his crime. intent on imprisoning, or killing Dusk for his crime, and stalks and terrorizes Briella to get to him. (I found this last sentence tough the read, tried to simplify, the "stalks and terrorizes" piece seemed like a tack on the end.)

 

Briella no longer trusts the man who got her into this mess (see comment below). Yet, giving Dusk up holds no guarantee that the bounty hunter won’t turn on her next, for unwittingly helping his mark. One wrong move could see her athletic and medical future – or worse, her freedom – vanish into the night.

 

NIGHTSWORN is an adult contemporary fantasy complete at 98,000 words, told from multiple points of view. 

 

 

Nice job, interesting story line, something I would read.  I have not read your old comments so apologies if It repeat or missed something. Here are my general comments

 

I was confused by your opening, "originally planned" seemed to indicate she was going to go then decided not too. Your closing shows that is still what she wants, as its at risk. I tried to emphasize that is still what she wants in the 1st paragraph.

 

Comment from above:  I had trouble identifying if Dusk is ultimately good or bad (an assassin with 4 dead bodies to his name sounds very bad, but maybe they deserved to die). If bad, why not just turn him in?  If she still cares for Dusk (which creates a dilemma on turning him in). Strengthen your close.. Maybe  replace "who got her into this mess" with "who still holds her heart" of say "he's misunderstood." Something that will clarify what her dilemma is. If he's a cold blooded serial killer and the only consequence from the bounty hunter is her personal freedom, she should still turn him in...  

 

I tried to eliminate some "ands".

 

Again nice job, it looks good. I'll look for the next revision. Best of luck going forward!



#42 Oldborne

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Posted 03 April 2018 - 01:11 AM

 

REVISION #6

 

Briella Fan originally planned to finish her pre-med program and compete for a cross country championship. Instead, she’s hiding a fugitive assassin from another world. Nice opening hook.

 

After finding three dead bodies near the woods, she runs and crashes into the perpetrator Should he be called the perpetrator when Briella's convinced he doesn't know anything about the bodies? Honestly I'm being super nitpicky because this paragraph is solid  – an enigmatic man named Dusk. He convinces her he’s lost and far from home, and doesn’t know a thing about those bodies. Wanting to help a soul in need, Briella shows him the ins and outs of her town and becomes his trusted confidante. In time, a cautious relationship blooms. 

 

She comes to regret that decision befriending Dusk when a strange, hooded man ambushes her, demanding to know Dusk’s whereabouts. Forcing the truth from Dusk reveals that he fled his world for murdering a Duchess Briella forces the truth from him? How? Why would Dusk admit that to her?. The hooded man is a bounty hunter intent on imprisoning, or killing Dusk for his crime, and stalks and terrorizes Briella to get to him.

 

Briella no longer trusts the man who got her into this mess Feels like an obvious statement. Yet, giving Dusk up holds no guarantee that the bounty hunter won’t turn on her next, for unwittingly helping his mark. One wrong move could see her athletic and medical future – or worse, her freedom – vanish into the night. Strong, personal stakes.

 

NIGHTSWORN is an adult contemporary fantasy Obviously you know your book better than me but if I was forced to describe the genre based on this query I'd say SF. I think the 'other world' comment is vague enough that Dusk can be assumed an alien, which is what I assumed.  complete at 98,000 words, told from multiple points of view. 

Honestly, the most of my comments are nitpicky. This is a pretty solid query and I'd expect you to get a few bites if you were to start sending it out now. You can be a little clearer in places however, and I think you want to set the tone as fantasy a little better because it can easily be read as a SF. 

Best of luck with this. Hope I've helped. 
 


All feedback appreciated: http://agentquerycon...ust-sf-mystery/

 


#43 SnowFox23

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Posted 03 April 2018 - 01:49 AM

Never read this query, so here is my first impression!

 

 

Briella Fan originally planned to finish her pre-med program and compete for a cross country championship. Instead, she’s hiding a fugitive assassin from another world. Cool!

 

After finding three dead bodies near the woods, she runs and crashes into the perpetrator – an enigmatic man named Dusk. He convinces her he’s lost and far from home, and doesn’t know a thing about those bodies. Wanting to help a soul in need, Briella shows him the ins and outs of her town and becomes his trusted confidante. In time, a cautious relationship blooms.

Wait, hang on, you stated that Dusk is the perpetrator? So he did, in fact, kill the three people? And now she wants to help him?! That confused me greatly.

 

She comes to regret that decision when a strange, hooded man ambushes her, demanding to know Dusk’s whereabouts. Forcing the truth from Dusk reveals that he fled his world for murdering a Duchess. This line is very sticky. It was hard to read it without stumbling over the words. You may need to re-work it. The hooded man is a bounty hunter intent on imprisoning, or killing Dusk for his crime, and stalks and terrorizes Briella to get to him.

 

Briella no longer trusts the man who got her into this mess. Yet, giving Dusk up holds no guarantee that the bounty hunter won’t turn on her next, for unwittingly helping his mark. One wrong move could see her athletic and medical future – or worse, her freedom – vanish into the night. cool stakes.

 

NIGHTSWORN is an adult contemporary fantasy complete at 98,000 words, told from multiple points of view. 

 

Okay, so, the good news is that the query is straight-forward and easy to understand, which is great. Many queries aren't.

But my problem is with the story itself. Who on earth would help a guy who is the perpetrator of three apparent murders? Even if the guy was Brad Pitt himself, I wouldn't go near him, let alone help him. And then Dusk tells her he's killed a Duchess, too?!Frankly, I am on the bounty hunter's side. I would want to stop a guy who has murdered 4 people too.

 

If Dusk is innocent of the crimes, then you definitely need to state that fact. And do not call him the perpetrator, because it is super confusing.



#44 Cesar Montufar

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Posted 03 April 2018 - 02:06 PM

REVISION #6

 

Briella Fan originally planned to finish her pre-med program and compete for a cross country championship. Instead, she’s hiding a fugitive assassin from another world. (This sentence clunks. The grammar is ambigous: is he from another world, or is she hiding him from the other world? It also jumps ahead of the next paragraph in a way that spoils the storytelling feel)

 

After finding three dead bodies near the woods, she runs and crashes into the perpetrator – an enigmatic man named Dusk. He convinces her he’s lost and far from home, and doesn’t know a thing about those bodies. Wanting to help a soul in need, Briella shows him the ins and outs of her town and becomes his trusted confidante. In time, a cautious relationship blooms.

 

She comes to regret that decision (unclear: the relationship? Is "blooming" really a decision?) when a strange, hooded man ambushes her, demanding to know Dusk’s whereabouts. Forcing the truth from Dusk reveals that he fled his world for (after?) murdering a Duchess. The hooded man is a bounty hunter intent on imprisoning, or killing Dusk for his crime, and stalks and terrorizes Briella to get to him.

 

Briella no longer trusts the man who got her into this mess. Yet, giving Dusk up holds no guarantee that the bounty hunter won’t turn on her next, for unwittingly helping his mark. (This feels like false stakes, and I don't think you need them. If Dusk is a sympathetic character, then her stakes have to do with caring about his safety. If she has doubts about Dusk, then the stakes are wondering what the right thing to do is. If she's sure he's a bad guy, then...I don't think you have any stakes...she turns him in, and washes her hands of it. Worrying about whether the bounty hunter will come after her doesn't make much sense. Its the same feeling I get when a cop pulls behind me on the freeway. Even when I'm not doing anything wrong, it worries me, but it's not the kind of worry that can carry a novel.) One wrong move (feels a bit cliche. Not badly, but like its a spot you could demonstrate voice with a better choice.) could see her athletic and medical future – or worse, her freedom – vanish into the night.

 

NIGHTSWORN is an adult contemporary fantasy complete at 98,000 words, told from multiple points of view. 



#45 galian84

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Posted 03 April 2018 - 06:09 PM

Thank you guys for your comments! Super helpful. Looking over them now.

 

Regarding the comment about Dusk being the perpetrator...would it be clearer if he was described as "suspected killer/perpetrator?" In the MS, he did kill two of the three, but it was out of self defense. I couldn't think of another way to describe the situation. I think I incorporated that in an older version of the query (not sure if I posted it here on AQC, though) and I was getting comments that it made the query too wordy/confusing.

 

Thanks again, all you critters have been wonderful and I'm learning a lot in this forum :)



#46 galian84

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Posted 04 April 2018 - 09:13 PM

Alright, giving this another go. Reworded a few things and cut a few more words out of it.

 

I figured I'd mention a diverse cast of characters because the protagonist is mixed-race. Not sure if I should add that, though, or if it just takes up space in the query. 

 

Thanks again for all your help so far, and for sticking with me through multiple revisions. Any and all thoughts and critiques greatly appreciated! Also working on catching up with reciprocal crits :)

 

 

REVISION #7

 

Briella Fan planned to spend her final college year finalizing medical school plans and competing for a cross country championship. Instead, she’s hiding a fugitive assassin from another world.

 

After finding three dead bodies in the woods, she runs and crashes into the enigmatic Dusk – the assassin and suspected perpetrator. He convinces her that he only killed out of self-defense, is far from home, and lost. Wanting to help a soul in need, Briella shows him the ins and outs of her town. In time, a cautious relationship blooms.

 

She comes to regret that decision when a bounty hunter ambushes her, demanding to know Dusk’s whereabouts. Confused and upset, Briella forces the truth from Dusk, who reveals that he fled his world for murdering a Duchess. Intent on apprehending Dusk for his crime, the bounty hunter is not above terrorizing Briella to get to him.

 

She no longer trusts the man who got her into this mess. Yet, giving Dusk up holds no guarantee that the bounty hunter won’t turn on her next. One wrong move could see her medical and athletic future, or worse, her freedom, vanish into the night.

 

NIGHTSWORN is an adult contemporary fantasy complete at 98,000 words, told from multiple points of view, and features an ethnically diverse cast of characters. 



#47 SnowFox23

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Posted 05 April 2018 - 12:28 AM

Briella Fan planned to spend her final college year finalizing medical school plans and competing for a cross country championship. Instead, she’s hiding a fugitive assassin from another world.

 

After finding three dead bodies in the woods, she runs and crashes into the enigmatic Dusk – the assassin and suspected perpetrator. He convinces her that he only killed out of self-defense, is far from home, and lost. Wanting to help a soul in need, Briella shows him the ins and outs of her town. In time, a cautious relationship blooms.

 

She comes to regret that decision when a bounty hunter ambushes her, demanding to know Dusk’s whereabouts. Confused and upset, Briella forces the truth from Dusk, who reveals that he fled his world for murdering a Duchess. Intent on apprehending Dusk for his crime, the bounty hunter is not above terrorizing Briella to get to him.

 

She no longer trusts the man who got her into this mess. Yet, giving Dusk up holds no guarantee that the bounty hunter won’t turn on her next. One wrong move could see her medical and athletic future, or worse, her freedom, vanish into the night.

 

NIGHTSWORN is an adult contemporary fantasy complete at 98,000 words, told from multiple points of view, and features an ethnically diverse cast of characters. 

 

That is definitely a lot better and clearer. :)

 

My only problem though is the stakes. It's kind of a 'damned if she do, and damned if she don't' sort of stakes. My problem is that there is no HARD CHOICE for Briella to make. What terrible thing will happen if Briella chooses to give up Dusk?: She might get killed. What terrible thing will happen if she does not: She might get killed anyway.

See what I mean? If there is a way for you to up the stakes, that would be awesome. Just my opinion, don't shoot me! Good luck. :)



#48 PureZhar3

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Posted 05 April 2018 - 08:54 AM

Alright, giving this another go. Reworded a few things and cut a few more words out of it.

 

I figured I'd mention a diverse cast of characters because the protagonist is mixed-race. Not sure if I should add that, though, or if it just takes up space in the query. 

 

Thanks again for all your help so far, and for sticking with me through multiple revisions. Any and all thoughts and critiques greatly appreciated! Also working on catching up with reciprocal crits :)

 

 

REVISION #7

 

Briella Fan planned to spend her final college year finalizing medical school plans and competing for a cross country championship. Instead, she’s hiding a fugitive assassin from another world.

 

After finding three dead bodies in the woods, she runs and crashes into the enigmatic Dusk – the assassin and suspected perpetrator ​This part seemed a bit odd to me, simply because it seemed obvious that if his occupation was assassin, he was likely the perpetrator. I also think it's deductible he's the fugitive assassin you just mentioned. That said, I'm sure people were bringing up problems that caused you to put the clarifying statement in (I haven't looked at the recent discussions on this) so balance the critique how you will.. He convinces her that he only killed out of self-defense, is far from home, and lost ​this sentence doesn't flow well because each of the three parts (he only killed... is far from home... lost) are all different grammatical structures. If you can clarify them "killed out of self defense, is far from home, and lost himself trying to get back" or something, it may make this sentence stronger. Wanting to help a soul in need, Briella shows him the ins and outs of her town. In time, a cautious relationship blooms.

 

She comes to regret that decision when a bounty hunter ambushes her, demanding to know Dusk’s whereabouts. Confused and upset ​I would be too, regardless of why a bounty hunter ambushed me... can you use any more unique adjs that show us how the emotion is specific to the scenario?, Briella forces the truth from Dusk, who reveals that he fled his world for murdering a Duchess. Intent on apprehending Dusk for his crime, the bounty hunter is not above terrorizing Briella to get to him.

 

She no longer trusts the man who got her into this mess. Yet, ​no comma (it creates an unnecessary pause) giving Dusk up holds no guarantee that the bounty hunter won’t turn on her next. ​Why? This isn't completely important to address, but I am wondering why the bounty hunter would care about a random girl from another planet if she provided him with what he wanted; it weakens the stakes One wrong move could see her medical and athletic future, or worse, her freedom, vanish into the night. ​Those things (her future and freedom) seem very tied together. Wouldn't they vanish together?

 

NIGHTSWORN is an adult contemporary fantasy complete at 98,000 words, told from multiple points of view, and features an ethnically diverse cast of characters. 

​This is good! I think my biggest issue with your query was that I was having difficulty getting any sense of the characters (besides Dusk). Briella feels like a nice gal but not much beyond - this can be improved, I think, by showing us more specific reactions. The words you used to described her reactions felt like they would be pretty universal reactions given the scenario. Also, sometimes you said things that felt redundant. I know your story is interesting, but I don't think this query fully showcases it. Keep it up!


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#49 PureZhar3

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Posted 05 April 2018 - 08:57 AM

Looking at previous comments, I think Cesar nailed my issue with the last paragraph


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#50 galian84

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Posted 10 April 2018 - 02:37 PM

Thanks, all. Making some more tweaks that I hope will make it a little more voice-y and address some of the questions that you guys have mentioned above. Will post when it's ready to be critted!



#51 galian84

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Posted 16 April 2018 - 12:42 PM

Alright, giving this another shot. Everyone has been so helpful so far. Played around with some words and concepts. Better? Worse? As always, all crits appreciated, and I'll get back to reciprocal crits as soon as I can. I like this version, but I know there's things that can be fixed/tweaked.

 

I'm having a little trouble with the sentence involving the Duchess. I think as it stands, it sounds a little clunky, but I'm not sure how to pare it down (or if it's even necessary to mention that she's from the bounty hunter's country).

 

I left the last paragraph as is because that is the choice Briella ends up having to make...doing the right thing and trusting the right person (Dusk or the bounty hunter) so that she'll stay alive.

 

Thanks again!

 

 

REVISION #8

 

Briella Fan has plans to graduate from college with a cross country trophy and an acceptance to her dream medical school. Those plans didn't involve hiding a fugitive assassin from another world.

 

She meets the enigmatic assassin, Dusk, after stumbling over three dead bodies in the woods. Bodies that Dusk is supposedly responsible for. He convinces her that he killed out of self-defense, and is far form home. Wanting to help a lonely soul in need, Briella shows him the ins and outs of her town. In time, the two develop a cautious relationship.

 

She soon regrets that decision when a bounty hunter ambushes her, demanding to know Dusk's whereabouts. Livid that Briella is in his way, he terrorizes her to get to Dusk. After threatening to abandon him if he doesn't tell her the truth, Dusk admits he fled his world for after murdering the Royal Duchess of the bounty hunter's country.

 

Briella no longer trusts the man who got her into this mess. Yet, giving Dusk up holds no guarantee that the bounty hunter won't turn on her next. One wrong move could see her athletic and medical future vanish into the night.

 

NIGHTSWORN is an adult contemporary fantasy complete at 98,000 words, with elements of romance, told from multiple points of view, and features an ethnically diverse cast of characters.

 

As a healthcare provider in NYC, I've met and worked with people from all walks of life. Fortunately, none of them have turned out to be assassins, fugitives, or bounty hunters...at least, that I know of.



#52 Raichu

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Posted 16 April 2018 - 03:19 PM

 

REVISION #8

 

Briella Fan has plans to graduate from college with a cross country trophy and an acceptance to her dream medical school. Those plans didn't involve hiding a fugitive assassin from another world.

 

She meets the enigmatic assassin, Dusk, after stumbling over three dead bodies in the woods. Bodies that Dusk is supposedly responsible for. He convinces her that he killed out of self-defense, and is far form home(Seeing as he's from another world, I don't think you really need this. It's not really connected to the first part of the sentence. Perhaps remove it or add it to the following sentence) Wanting to help a lonely soul in need, Briella shows him the ins and outs of her town. In time, the two develop a cautious relationship.

 

She soon regrets that decision when a bounty hunter ambushes her, demanding to know Dusk's whereabouts. Livid that Briella is in his way, he the bounty hunter (I had to read this a few times to get it right) terrorizes her to get to Dusk. After threatening to abandon him if he doesn't tell her the truth, Dusk admits he fled his world for after murdering the Royal Duchess of the bounty hunter's country. (I think the second part of this sentence is a little clunky. Consider:  - , Dusk admits he murdered the Royal Duchess of the bounty hunter's country and fled. - That way you won't have to repeat the word "after")

 

Briella no longer trusts the man who got her into this mess. Yet, giving Dusk up holds no guarantee that the bounty hunter won't turn on her next. One wrong move could see her athletic and medical future vanish into the night.

 

NIGHTSWORN is an adult contemporary fantasy complete at 98,000 words, with elements of romance, told from multiple points of view, and features an ethnically diverse cast of characters.

 

As a healthcare provider in NYC, I've met and worked with people from all walks of life. Fortunately, none of them have turned out to be assassins, fugitives, or bounty hunters...at least, that I know of.

 

Hi there!
I haven't read all your revisions, just this last one and the original query, and I must say that it has seen a lot of improvement. This is a lot more concise and better paced. I added a few thoughts that I had while reading and I hope you will find them helpful. 



#53 Bkrasnik

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Posted 16 April 2018 - 11:19 PM

Alright, giving this another shot. Everyone has been so helpful so far. Played around with some words and concepts. Better? Worse? As always, all crits appreciated, and I'll get back to reciprocal crits as soon as I can. I like this version, but I know there's things that can be fixed/tweaked.

 

I'm having a little trouble with the sentence involving the Duchess. I think as it stands, it sounds a little clunky, but I'm not sure how to pare it down (or if it's even necessary to mention that she's from the bounty hunter's country).

 

I left the last paragraph as is because that is the choice Briella ends up having to make...doing the right thing and trusting the right person (Dusk or the bounty hunter) so that she'll stay alive.

 

Thanks again!

 

 

REVISION #8

 

Briella Fan has plans to graduate from college with a cross country trophy and an acceptance to her dream medical school. Those plans didn't involve hiding a fugitive assassin from another world.

 

She meets the enigmatic assassin, Dusk, after stumbling over three dead bodies in the woods. Bodies that Dusk is supposedly responsible for. He convinces her that he killed out of self-defense, and is far form home. Wanting to help a lonely soul in need, Briella shows him the ins and outs of her town. In time, the two develop a cautious relationship.

 

She soon regrets that decision when a bounty hunter ambushes her, demanding to know Dusk's whereabouts. Livid that Briella is in his way, he terrorizes her to get to Dusk. After threatening to abandon him if he doesn't tell her the truth, Dusk admits he fled his world for after murdering the Royal Duchess of the bounty hunter's country.

 

Briella no longer trusts the man who got her into this mess. Yet, giving Dusk up holds no guarantee that the bounty hunter won't turn on her next. One wrong move could see her athletic and medical future vanish into the night.

 

NIGHTSWORN is an adult contemporary fantasy complete at 98,000 words, with elements of romance, told from multiple points of view, and features an ethnically diverse cast of characters.

 

As a healthcare provider in NYC, I've met and worked with people from all walks of life. Fortunately, none of them have turned out to be assassins, fugitives, or bounty hunters...at least, that I know of.

 

 

Briella Fan has plans to graduate from college with a cross country trophy and an acceptance to her dream medical school. Those plans didn't involve hiding a fugitive assassin from another world. (After the first sentence my expectations are low and then all of a sudden, BAM! It is unexpected in the best way possible.)

 

She meets the enigmatic assassin, Dusk, after stumbling over three dead bodies in the woods. Bodies that Dusk is supposedly responsible for. He convinces her that he killed out of self-defense, and is far form (from—be careful with typos) home. Wanting to help a lonely soul in need, Briella shows him the ins and outs of her town (the last part of this sentence needs help—it falls flat. You want to paint a picture of the town in a few words.) In time, the two develop a cautious relationship.

 

She soon regrets that decision when a bounty hunter ambushes her, demanding to know Dusk's whereabouts. Livid that Briella is in his way, he terrorizes her to get to Dusk. After threatening to abandon him (Dusk—use the name here otherwise it’s confusing) if he doesn't tell her the truth, Dusk (change this to “he”) admits he fled his world for (another typo…) after murdering the Royal Duchess of the bounty hunter's country.  (You need more here. The plot is a little too simple. I want more depth.)

 

Briella no longer trusts the man who got her into this mess (Because this is obvious, I recommend cutting it down and merging with another sentence.) Yet, giving Dusk up holds no guarantee that the bounty hunter won't turn on her next. One wrong move could see her athletic and medical future vanish into the night. (ehh…no offense, but I don’t really care about her athletic and medical future…this is overused and I think the stakes need to be higher and more original.)

Your query follows a coherent flow which is very important. Because the hook was so great, my expectations were high and I felt your query fell short. It needs more punch, but more importantly you need a compelling plot. I feel like I know your book after reading this. I don’t want to feel that way. Lace some mystery by hinting at some subplots, and raise the stakes.

 

NIGHTSWORN is an adult contemporary fantasy complete at 98,000 words, with elements of romance, told from multiple points of view, and features an ethnically diverse cast of characters.

 

As a healthcare provider in NYC, I've met and worked with people from all walks of life. Fortunately, none of them have turned out to be assassins, fugitives, or bounty hunters...at least, that I know of.


Have a moment to offer up some very much appreciated feedback? :)

My Young Adult Dystopian Query: http://agentquerycon...ate-on-post-15/


#54 RosieSkye

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Posted 17 April 2018 - 01:49 PM

Alright, giving this another shot. Everyone has been so helpful so far. Played around with some words and concepts. Better? Worse? As always, all crits appreciated, and I'll get back to reciprocal crits as soon as I can. I like this version, but I know there's things that can be fixed/tweaked.

 

I'm having a little trouble with the sentence involving the Duchess. I think as it stands, it sounds a little clunky, but I'm not sure how to pare it down (or if it's even necessary to mention that she's from the bounty hunter's country).

 

I left the last paragraph as is because that is the choice Briella ends up having to make...doing the right thing and trusting the right person (Dusk or the bounty hunter) so that she'll stay alive.

 

Thanks again!

 

 

REVISION #8

 

Briella Fan has plans to graduate from college with a cross country trophy and an acceptance to her dream medical school. Those plans didn't involve hiding a fugitive assassin from another world.  (I don't think you need the cross country stuff.  "Only two months from college graduation, Briella Fan is looking forward to medical school.  But when a fugitive assassin from another world shows up, she might have to change her plans."  Or something like that.)

 

She meets the enigmatic assassin, (I think it's implied well enough that Dusk is the assassin) Dusk, after stumbling over three dead bodies in the woods - bodies that Dusk is supposedly responsible for. He convinces her that he killed out of self-defense, and is far form home. Wanting to help a lonely soul in need, Briella shows him the ins and outs of her town. In time, the two develop a cautious relationship.  (So does she know he's actually from another world at this point?  How does she feel about that?)

 

She soon regrets that decision when a bounty hunter ambushes her, demanding to know Dusk's whereabouts. Livid that Briella is in his way, he terrorizes her to get to Dusk. After threatening to abandon him if he doesn't tell her the truth,  Dusk Briella threatens to abandon Dusk if he doesn't tell her the truth, so he admits he fled his world for after murdering the a Royal Duchess of the bounty hunter's country.

 

Briella no longer trusts the man who got her into this mess. Yet, giving Dusk up holds no guarantee that the bounty hunter won't turn on her next.  (Doesn't the bounty hunter just want Dusk? If she gives him up, why would the bounty hunter have any more interest in her?) One wrong move could see her athletic and medical future vanish into the night.

 

NIGHTSWORN is an adult contemporary fantasy complete at 98,000 words. with elements of romance (this is implied in your query) It's told from multiple points of view, and features an ethnically diverse cast of characters.

 

As a healthcare provider in NYC, I've met and worked with people from all walks of life. Fortunately, none of them have turned out to be assassins, fugitives, or bounty hunters...at least, that I know of.  (I normally cross out stuff like this, but it gave me a chuckle.  Just keep an eye on your word count if you decide to keep it.)

 

 

Hope this helps!



#55 galian84

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Posted 21 April 2018 - 09:27 PM

Revised again. Again, everyone's crits and suggestions have been incredibly helpful so far, and at the very least, have helped me to see the query in a different light.I decided to go back to one of the previous openers because I personally liked it better, and was getting more positive feedback (in general), on it. I know it's a lot crammed into one sentence, but I was having some difficulty splitting it up / shortening it, and conveying all the necessary information without bogging the query down with backstory. Suggestions?

 

Thanks to all for your crits. And for pointing out my typos, Bkrasnik. I'm usually pretty good about catching them, but that's what I get for trying to type up the query (I have it saved on my phone) two minutes before having to meet someone for lunch, lol.

 

Here goes! Thanks again in advance :)

 

 

When pre-med student Briella Fan stumbles over three dead bodies near the woods, she never thought she’d wind up hiding the suspected perpetrator – Dusk, a fugitive assassin from another world.

 

She just wanted to help a lonely soul in need, and Dusk pled his case well enough. He convinced her that he killed out of self-defense, and is far from home. Briella shows him the ins and outs of her college town, and in time, grows to care for this enigmatic, misunderstood man.

 

She soon regrets that decision when a bounty hunter ambushes her, demanding to know Dusk’s whereabouts. Livid that she is aiding and abetting his mark, he terrorizes her to get to Dusk. After Briella threatens to abandon Dusk unless he tells her the truth, he admits he murdered a Royal Duchess, and fled his world.  

 

Briella isn’t sure she still trusts the man who got her into this mess. Yet, giving Dusk up holds no guarantee that the bounty hunter won’t turn on her next. One wrong move could see her medical future, and worse, her freedom, vanish into the night.

 

NIGHTSWORN is an adult contemporary fantasy complete at 98,000 words, told from multiple points of view, and features an ethnically diverse cast of characters. 

 

As a healthcare provider in NYC, I’ve met and worked with people from all walks of life. Fortunately, none of them have turned out to be assassins, fugitives, or bounty hunters…at least, not that I know of.



#56 Oldborne

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Posted 22 April 2018 - 05:08 AM

Revised again. Again, everyone's crits and suggestions have been incredibly helpful so far, and at the very least, have helped me to see the query in a different light.I decided to go back to one of the previous openers because I personally liked it better, and was getting more positive feedback (in general), on it. I know it's a lot crammed into one sentence, but I was having some difficulty splitting it up / shortening it, and conveying all the necessary information without bogging the query down with backstory. Suggestions?

 

Thanks to all for your crits. And for pointing out my typos, Bkrasnik. I'm usually pretty good about catching them, but that's what I get for trying to type up the query (I have it saved on my phone) two minutes before having to meet someone for lunch, lol.

 

Here goes! Thanks again in advance :)

 

 

When pre-med student Briella Fan stumbles over three dead bodies near the woods, she never thought she’d wind up hiding the suspected perpetrator – Dusk, a fugitive assassin from another world. Does Briella know he's from another world?

 

She just wanted to help a lonely soul in need, and Dusk pled his case well enough. He convinced her that he killed out of self-defense, and is far from home This still paints Briella as pretty gullible. Any sane person would surely call the police, self-defense or not. . Briella shows him the ins and outs of her college town, and in time, grows to care for this enigmatic, misunderstood man.

 

She soon regrets that decision when a bounty hunter ambushes her, demanding to know Dusk’s whereabouts. Livid that she is aiding and abetting his mark, the bounty hunter terrorizes her Briella to get to Dusk. After Briella threatens to abandon Dusk unless he tells her the truth, he admits he murdered a Royal Duchess, and fled his world. How did Briella get away from the bounty hunter? I'd assume the hunter wouldn't let her out of his sight or at least trail her back to Dusk.  

 

Briella isn’t sure she still trusts the man who got her into this mess. Yet, giving Dusk up holds no guarantee that the bounty hunter won’t turn on her next How does it guarantee that it will?. One wrong move could see her medical future her medical future seems super trivial given context, and worse, her freedom, vanish into the night.

 

NIGHTSWORN is an adult contemporary fantasy complete at 98,000 words, told from multiple points of view, and features an ethnically diverse cast of characters. Is this line necessary? I never know.   

 

As a healthcare provider in NYC, I’ve met and worked with people from all walks of life. Fortunately, none of them have turned out to be assassins, fugitives, or bounty hunters…at least, not that I know of. Although funny, I don't think you need this. If your novel was about life in healthcare then your experience would be worth mentioning, but since the meat of your story is an alien fugitive and a bounty hunter it's not relevant. 

Better than the last version I read but still a little hazy on motives. I just can't fully understand Briella's actions at the moment. It doesn't make sense to me that she wouldn't call the police on Dusk—self-defense or not.

Keep at it and best of luck! 

 


All feedback appreciated: http://agentquerycon...ust-sf-mystery/

 


#57 ShatteredSmooth

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Posted 22 April 2018 - 12:34 PM

I was reading this and thought it looked familiar and quickly realized I commented on it in the AW forum

Revised again. Again, everyone's crits and suggestions have been incredibly helpful so far, and at the very least, have helped me to see the query in a different light.I decided to go back to one of the previous openers because I personally liked it better, and was getting more positive feedback (in general), on it. I know it's a lot crammed into one sentence, but I was having some difficulty splitting it up / shortening it, and conveying all the necessary information without bogging the query down with backstory. Suggestions?

 

Thanks to all for your crits. And for pointing out my typos, Bkrasnik. I'm usually pretty good about catching them, but that's what I get for trying to type up the query (I have it saved on my phone) two minutes before having to meet someone for lunch, lol.

 

Here goes! Thanks again in advance :)

 

 

When pre-med student Briella Fan stumbles over three dead bodies near the woods, she never thought she’d wind up hiding the suspected perpetrator – Dusk, a fugitive assassin from another world.

 

She just wanted to help a lonely soul in need, and Dusk pled his case well enough. He convinced her that he killed out of self-defense, and is far from home. Briella shows him the ins and outs of her college town, and in time, grows to care for this enigmatic, misunderstood man.

 

She soon regrets that decision when a bounty hunter ambushes her, demanding to know Dusk’s whereabouts. Livid that she is aiding and abetting his mark, he terrorizes her to get to Dusk. After Briella threatens to abandon Dusk unless he tells her the truth, he admits he murdered a Royal Duchess, and fled his world.  

 

Briella isn’t sure she still trusts the man who got her into this mess. Yet, giving Dusk up holds no guarantee that the bounty hunter won’t turn on her next. One wrong move could see her medical future, and worse, her freedom, vanish into the night.

 

NIGHTSWORN is an adult contemporary fantasy complete at 98,000 words, told from multiple points of view, and features an ethnically diverse cast of characters. 

 

As a healthcare provider in NYC, I’ve met and worked with people from all walks of life. Fortunately, none of them have turned out to be assassins, fugitives, or bounty hunters…at least, not that I know of.



#58 BrookeJS

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Posted 22 April 2018 - 02:14 PM

Revised again. Again, everyone's crits and suggestions have been incredibly helpful so far, and at the very least, have helped me to see the query in a different light.I decided to go back to one of the previous openers because I personally liked it better, and was getting more positive feedback (in general), on it. I know it's a lot crammed into one sentence, but I was having some difficulty splitting it up / shortening it, and conveying all the necessary information without bogging the query down with backstory. Suggestions?

 

Thanks to all for your crits. And for pointing out my typos, Bkrasnik. I'm usually pretty good about catching them, but that's what I get for trying to type up the query (I have it saved on my phone) two minutes before having to meet someone for lunch, lol.

 

Here goes! Thanks again in advance :)

 

 

When pre-med student Briella Fan stumbles over three dead bodies near the woods, she never thought she’d wind up hiding the suspected perpetrator – Dusk, a fugitive assassin from another world. ​I like this as your hook. Above Oldborne asked if she knows if he's from a different world, I don't think that's an important question to answer as that would be something your reader or potential agent would want to keep reading in the book to find out. 

 

She just wanted to help a lonely soul in need, and Dusk pled his case well enough. He convinced her that he killed out of self-defense, and is far from home. ​I'm not sure if you need this part, honestly. We already know she's hiding an assassin and we know he killed. The answer to that is in your book. Either he is a villain or love interest or both but somehow he has manipulated her into believing him. I actually think making this part seem somewhat nefarious as if Dusk has tricked her would be a good idea otherwise as Oldborne pointed out we're gonna wonder why she didn't run screaming to the authorities. Briella shows him the ins and outs of her college town, and in time, grows to care for this enigmatic, misunderstood man. 

 

She soon regrets that decision when a bounty hunter ambushes her, demanding to know Dusk’s whereabouts. Livid that she is aiding and abetting his mark, he terrorizes her to get to Dusk. After Briella threatens to abandon Dusk unless he tells her the truth, he admits he murdered a Royal Duchess, and fled his world.  

 

Briella isn’t sure she still trusts the man who got her into this mess ​Why did she ever?. Yet, giving Dusk up holds no guarantee that the bounty hunter won’t turn on her next ​This part falls a little flat, the bounty hunter has already proven he has no qualms about hurting her. One wrong move could see her medical future, and worse, her freedom, vanish into the night.

 

NIGHTSWORN is an adult contemporary fantasy complete at 98,000 words, told from multiple points of view, and features an ethnically diverse cast of characters. ​I don't know if you need or want to add that. It doesn't come up in the query and I've read before agents will toss stuff out when they read the word diverse. But then again, that's usually a crap shoot as every person is different so if you like it then keep it. If you're pitching a group of agents who are looking for diverse casts then I'd say something like "I'm writing you because of your interest in blank and blank" this clues them in that your work matches what they want.

 

As a healthcare provider in NYC, I’ve met and worked with people from all walks of life. Fortunately, none of them have turned out to be assassins, fugitives, or bounty hunters…at least, not that I know of. ​Lol, I like this. I also work in the health field and we certainly do meet some interesting characters!

 

I know that seems like a hell of a lot of red above but it's not bad! It's mostly me just talking haha. I like your query but I think I'm missing a little of Briella's voice and even what makes Dusk interesting especially if he is a love interest as I am suspecting. I love me some dark and mysterious dangerous men lol, so if you play that up you might be doing yourself a favor.

 

"Briella is lonely, she spends all her days studying to finish her pre-med degree. Her days consist of work, study, work, and more work. So when a mysterious and annoyingly handsome man walks into her life she's swept up faster than she can blink. Learning that he's an assassin and may or may not have murdered three people in the woods is just icing on the cake." (Totally took some liberties there but I wanted to provide a little example of how you might throw in some flare to spice up your query because really I think that's all it's missing. Good job!


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=356112

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 


#59 galian84

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Posted 22 April 2018 - 07:31 PM

Thank you all for the newest crits! I read through all your comments and took them into consideration the best I could, when composing my new draft. Hopefully some redundancies were cut out and Briella's motivations are explained a little better? Mostly changed the third and fourth paragraphs, and cut one sentence out of the second. Now, I'm not sure if it's more confusing, though. Again, thanks so, so much for sticking with me through all these drafts (sometimes it feels like it never ends!), and for taking time out of your busy days to read this and give your feedback :)

 

 

When pre-med student Briella Fan stumbles over three dead bodies near the woods, she never thought she’d wind up hiding the suspected perpetrator – Dusk, a fugitive assassin from another world.

 

She just wanted to help a lonely soul in need. Dusk convinced her that he knew nothing about those bodies, and is far from home. Briella shows him the ins and outs of her college town, and in time, grows to care for this enigmatic, misunderstood man.

 

She soon regrets that decision when a bounty hunter ambushes her with a bow and arrow to her head. Livid that she’s aiding and abetting his mark, he terrorizes her to get to Dusk. After Briella threatens to abandon Dusk unless she gets answers, he admits he murdered a Royal Duchess, and fled his world.

 

Briella knows she can’t trust Dusk, but he may be her only hope at getting out of this mess in one piece. Because giving him up holds no guarantee that the bounty hunter won’t turn on her next. One wrong move could see her medical future, and worse, her freedom, vanish into the night.

 

NIGHTSWORN is an adult contemporary fantasy complete at 98,000 words, and told from multiple points of view.

 

As a healthcare provider in NYC, I’ve met and worked with people from all walks of life. Fortunately, none of them have turned out to be assassins, fugitives, or bounty hunters…at least, not that I know of.



#60 Bkrasnik

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Posted 23 April 2018 - 02:10 PM

Thank you all for the newest crits! I read through all your comments and took them into consideration the best I could, when composing my new draft. Hopefully some redundancies were cut out and Briella's motivations are explained a little better? Mostly changed the third and fourth paragraphs, and cut one sentence out of the second. Now, I'm not sure if it's more confusing, though. Again, thanks so, so much for sticking with me through all these drafts (sometimes it feels like it never ends!), and for taking time out of your busy days to read this and give your feedback :)

 

 

When pre-med student Briella Fan stumbles over three dead bodies near the woods, she never thought she’d wind up hiding the suspected perpetrator – Dusk, a fugitive assassin from another world. (nice, I like this!)

 

 

She just wanted to help a lonely soul in need. Dusk convinced her that he knew nothing about those bodies, and is far from home. Briella shows him the ins and outs of her college town, and in time, grows to care for this enigmatic, misunderstood man. (The content is good, but I feel like you need to put more focus on the way you are writing. You don't have transitions and it's coming off a little choppy.)

 

 

She soon regrets that decision when a bounty hunter ambushes her with a bow and arrow to her head. Livid that she’s aiding and abetting his mark, he terrorizes her to get to Dusk. After Briella threatens to abandon Dusk unless she gets answers, he admits he murdered a Royal Duchess, and fled his world.

 

 

Briella knows she can’t trust Dusk, but he may be her only hope at getting out of this mess in one piece.(when you say, "getting out of this mess" it doesn't sound like good writing. Also what mess exactly will they be in? Will they go to jail? Or will they be killed? Or will they be tied up in ropes, rotting in the bounty hunter's basement? Give a little more detail here to make it punchier.) Because giving him up holds no guarantee that the bounty hunter won’t turn on her next (Why would the bounty hunter want to turn on her next? Is it because hiding Dusk makes her a criminal?). One wrong move could see her medical future, and worse, her freedom, vanish into the night. (I would pick something else to add here, because it doesn't sound like good writing to me.)

 

 

NIGHTSWORN is an adult contemporary fantasy complete at 98,000 words, and told from multiple points of view.

 

 

As a healthcare provider in NYC, I’ve met and worked with people from all walks of life. Fortunately, none of them have turned out to be assassins, fugitives, or bounty hunters…at least, not that I know of.

 

You have a clear cut storyline that is easy to follow, but I think you can make it better by lacing some detail throughout the story. Most queries that I read have way too much detail, but I think in your situation it is the opposite. I would also suggest you focus on tweaking your writing. There are certain sentences or phrases (ones I mentioned in blue) that cheapen the quality of your writing. Otherwise, I think you have an interesting story. Good job!


Have a moment to offer up some very much appreciated feedback? :)

My Young Adult Dystopian Query: http://agentquerycon...ate-on-post-15/






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