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Nightsworn - Adult Contemporary UF (New Post #26)

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#21 galian84

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Posted 11 February 2018 - 11:09 AM

This sounds like a novel I would want to read, even though it's not usually my preferred genre. You sell it well -- the query, IMO, just needs a few more tweaks. Nicely done!

Hi Laurie, thank you for the crit! You've made some excellent points and suggestions as well, and I'll definitely take them into account with my next revision :)



#22 yawriter

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Posted 11 February 2018 - 12:05 PM

REVISION #3

 

Briella Forthyss planned to spend her last college months finalizing medical school plans and competing for a cross country championship. Instead, she’s Heard somewhere that it is more professional not to use contractions... "She is" hiding an assassin-turned-fugitive from another world. Can she not do both? it sounds like she drops out of college on the last few months TO DO this... maybe "she is distracted by ..." something like that?

 

Finding three dead bodies is the last thing Briella thought she’d she would see during running practice. ​Not sure if this first sentence is even necessary ... I don't see it pop up again.. if she's hiding an assassin I'm sure there would be dead bodies...Days later, she literally runs into striking, unusual Dusk, and she’s drawn to his mystique, giving bloom to an uneasy relationship. He asks for help to survive in her town until he can get home, and Briella agrees, never one to turn away someone in need. Okay..so far we've dropped the idea of the assassin... perhaps add a sentence about her hesitancy of having him over or something to tie it back into the hook?

 

The ugly truth hits her when local police show up at her doorstep, and an arrow strikes dangerously close to her heart. Part elf and demon, Dusk is exiled from his world for killing a prominent figureSo confused! what is happening... so Dusk is the bad guy? or is he the assassin? dangerously close to her heart but then you say "killing a prominent figure" is that supposed to be the girl? . And those dead bodies? He’s suspected in their murders, too. Okay so is it clear that he didn't kill the 3 bodies? Because the assassin did...why else would you bring it up in the hook? um...Does this girl even like Dusk? Why should I care about him just yet? A bounty hunter is also hot on their trail, his goal to bring Dusk back in chains. Or even better, headless. Accusing Briella of guilt by association, he’s happy to take her as a consolation prize, alive or dead, if she won’t give him up I like this sentence =] if she won't give who up though? Dusk? Didn't he try to kill her? Or the assassin? .

 

Dusk assures her that they’ll get through this together. But now, she’s not sure she still trusts the man who knowingly got her into this mess. Yet, handing Dusk over means trusting that the bounty hunter won’t kill or imprison her when he gets what he wants. One wrong word or move could see her physician and championship dreams – or her life – snuffed out. Strong ending! I can't wait for the next revision! I hope this helped...everything I said is, of course, just a suggestion!

 

NIGHTSWORN is complete at 98,000 words, and is an adult contemporary urban fantasy, with elements of romance and high fantasy, told in dual POVs. 

 

 

http://agentqueryconnect.com/index.php?/topic/38448-the-citys-whispers-paranormal-ya-romance-help/



#23 galian84

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Posted 11 February 2018 - 06:00 PM

Thanks for your suggestions, yawriter! Very helpful! I'm working on my newest revision now and making a few tweaks, hopefully this next version will be more clear/streamlined :)

 




#24 Artsnerd

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 09:10 AM

Paying back the query you did on my own! :)

 

Briella Forthyss planned to spend her last college months finalizing medical school plans and competing for a cross country championship. Instead, she’s hiding an assassin-turned-fugitive from another world. [This part is interesting, but I feel as though the first sentence as a hook isn't as strong as it could be...maybe somehow shorten the first sentence a bit and attach the second sentence to it to make it part of the hook, whether that's an em dash or something?]

 

Finding three dead bodies is the last thing Briella thought she’d see during running practice. [Woah, now this is an attention-grabber. Maybe this could be your hook instead?] Days later, she literally runs into striking, unusual Dusk, and she’s drawn to his mystique, giving bloom to an uneasy relationship. He asks for help to survive in her town until he can get home, and Briella agrees, never one to turn away someone in need.

 

The ugly truth hits her when local police show up at her doorstep, and an arrow strikes dangerously close to her heart. Part elf and demon, Dusk is exiled from his world for killing a prominent figure. And those dead bodies? He’s suspected in their murders, too. A bounty hunter is also hot on their trail, his goal to bring Dusk back in chains. Or even better, headless. Accusing Briella of guilt by association, he’s happy to take her as a consolation prize, alive or dead, if she won’t give him up. [This seems like a really interesting setup! Great job with this paragraph!]

 

Dusk assures her that they’ll get through this together. But now, she’s not sure she still trusts the man who knowingly got her into this mess. Yet, handing Dusk over means trusting that the bounty hunter won’t kill or imprison her when he gets what he wants. One wrong word or move could see her physician and championship dreams – or her life – snuffed out.

 

NIGHTSWORN is complete at 98,000 words, and is an adult contemporary urban fantasy, with elements of romance and high fantasy, told in dual POVs. 

 

I'm not typically a fan of fantasy, but this is one awesome query! :)


“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated.

In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.” 

―Maya Angelou

 

The query for my current WIP can be found here.

 

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#25 galian84

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 03:00 PM

 

 

I'm not typically a fan of fantasy, but this is one awesome query! :)

 

Thank you for your critique, Artsnerd! Much appreciated. I'm working on another version now that re-words a few phrases, and hopefully makes the overall query more clear. I'll post it once its ready to be reviewed :)



#26 galian84

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Posted 18 February 2018 - 09:44 PM

Well, I had one of my beta readers read my query, and even he was getting confused in parts. Which, I took as an extra bad sign. So, here's the newest revision :) Hopefully everything is much more clear-cut?

 

Again, you've all given me such helpful advice and suggestions so far, and I'm so grateful to have found this writing community! 

 

REVISION #4

 

Briella Forthyss planned to spend her last college months finalizing medical school plans and competing for a cross country championship. Instead, she’s hiding an assassin-turned-fugitive from another world.

 

When Briella encounters three dead bodies by the woods, she immediately reports them to police. She never thought she would literally run into the prime suspect of this crime: A striking, enigmatic man named Dusk. She’s drawn to his mystique, and a cautious relationship blooms. He convinces her that he’s innocent, and asks for help surviving in her town until he can get back home. Briella agrees, never one to turn away someone in need.

 

Consequently, local police show up at her doorstep. Soon after, a poisoned arrow narrowly misses Briella’s head, and Dusk finally confesses to her. He’s part elf and demon, exiled from his world for killing a prominent figure. Now, Zeyvn, a bounty hunter from their world, has been sent to bring Dusk back in chains, or even better, headless. Accusing her of guilt by association, Zeyvn is happy to take Briella instead, dead or alive, if she won’t give Dusk up.

 

Dusk assures her they’ll get through this together. But she’s not so sure she trusts the man who knowingly got her into this mess. Yet, handing Dusk over to Zeyvn could get her imprisoned in their world, or killed. One wrong move or word could see her medical future, athletic dreams, or her life snuffed out.

 

NIGHTSWORN is complete at 98,000 words, and is a dual-POV adult contemporary urban fantasy, with elements of romance and high fantasy. I am querying you because (something customized to said agent here)

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.



#27 Tiffany

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Posted 19 February 2018 - 12:42 AM

Well, I had one of my beta readers read my query, and even he was getting confused in parts. Which, I took as an extra bad sign. So, here's the newest revision :) Hopefully everything is much more clear-cut?

 

Again, you've all given me such helpful advice and suggestions so far, and I'm so grateful to have found this writing community! 

 

REVISION #4

 

Briella Forthyss planned to spend her last college months finalizing medical school plans and competing for a cross country championship. Instead, she’s hiding an assassin-turned-fugitive from another world. This feels a little too wordy to me and if I'm being honest it isn't really pulling me in even though this is a genre I like.

 

When Briella encounters three dead bodies by the woods, she immediately reports them to police. She never thought she would literally run into the prime suspect of this crime: A striking, enigmatic man named Dusk. She’s drawn to his mystique, and a cautious relationship blooms. He convinces her that he’s innocent, and asks for help surviving in her town until he can get back home. Briella agrees, never one to turn away someone in need.

 

 

Consequently, local police show up at her doorstep. Soon after, a poisoned arrow narrowly misses Briella’s head, and Dusk finally confesses to her. He’s part elf and demon, exiled from his world for killing a prominent figure. Now, Zeyvn, a bounty hunter from their world, has been sent to bring Dusk back in chains, or even better, headless. Accusing her of guilt by association, Zeyvn is happy to take Briella instead, dead or alive, if she won’t give Dusk up.

 

 

Dusk assures her they’ll get through this together. But she’s not so sure she trusts the man who knowingly got her into this mess. Yet, handing Dusk over to Zeyvn could get her imprisoned in their world, or killed. One wrong move or word could see her medical future, athletic dreams, or her life snuffed out.

 

 

 

NIGHTSWORN is complete at 98,000 words, and is a dual-POV adult contemporary urban fantasy, with elements of romance and high fantasy. I am querying you because (something customized to said agent here)

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

I really like everything you have except for the hook, overall I think it sounds like a very thrilling book and I love your premise! 


Please take a look at my query letter in return if you are able to. http://agentquerycon...ens-literature/

#28 PureZhar3

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Posted 19 February 2018 - 07:59 PM

Well, I had one of my beta readers read my query, and even he was getting confused in parts. Which, I took as an extra bad sign. So, here's the newest revision :) Hopefully everything is much more clear-cut?

 

Again, you've all given me such helpful advice and suggestions so far, and I'm so grateful to have found this writing community! 

 

REVISION #4

 

Briella Forthyss planned to spend her last college months finalizing medical school plans and competing for a cross country championship. Instead, she’s hiding an assassin-turned-fugitive from another world.

 

When Briella encounters three dead bodies by the woods, she immediately reports them to police. She never thought she would literally run into the prime suspect of this crime​some unnecessary words in here "immediately", "literally", "prime", etc.: A striking, enigmatic man named Dusk ​is there any way you can tell us more about him? Nothing against Dusk, I'm sure he's very handsome, but to be honest, they're always ​handsome (unless otherwise stated). She’s drawn to his mystique, and a cautious relationship blooms. He convinces her that he’s innocent ​I can imagine some people asking "how"?, and asks for help surviving in her town until he can get back home. Briella agrees, never one to turn away someone in need.

 

 

Consequently, local police show up at her doorstep. Soon after, a poisoned arrow narrowly misses Briella’s head, and Dusk finally confesses to her ​bear with me, but this almost read in my mind as "proposes". I know that isn't the actual word at all, but that's what popped into my mind. Maybe instead talk about how she demands Dusk explain what's going on and so he does? . He’s part elf and demon, exiled from his world for killing a prominent figure ​if you can give us a bit more info then please do. If not, because it would simply complicate the query, it works as it is. Now, Zeyvn, a bounty hunter from their ​his? world, has been sent to bring Dusk back in chains, or even better, headless ​try rephrasing this so that it has more of a punch. Accusing her of guilt by association, Zeyvn is happy to take Briella instead, dead or alive, if she won’t give Dusk up. 

 

 

Dusk assures her they’ll get through this together. But she’s not so sure she trusts the man who knowingly got her into this mess. ​very understandable Yet, handing Dusk over to Zeyvn could get her imprisoned in their world, or killed ​okay, I'm not following with this part. why will his disappearance get her imprisoned in our world? or killed?? why? do they believe in the death sentence in Florida?* One wrong move or word could see her medical future, athletic dreams, or her life snuffed out. ​could also be phrased to pack more punch

 

​*I don't actually have any clue what state this is in, or if it's even in the US, but that came to mind, so that's what got put down. Given the woods, it's actually probably unlikely

 

NIGHTSWORN is complete at 98,000 words, and is a dual-POV adult contemporary urban fantasy, with elements of romance and high fantasy. I am querying you because (something customized to said agent here)

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

​This is definitely better! I got lost near the last few sentences, though. You're doing great, overall!

 

​Also, I would appreciate it if you would check out my query again. I completely rewrote it and am trying to figure out how to fix the new version (or if I should revert to the old one). Thanks!


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#29 TeaTime

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Posted 19 February 2018 - 09:56 PM

REVISION #4

 

Briella Forthyss planned to spend her last college months ("last months of college" might be a more natural of a say) finalizing medical school plans and competing for a cross country championship. Instead, she’s hiding an assassin-turned-fugitive (This paragraph hook is a bit hard to easily all take in, so maybe either "assassin" or "fugitive," or "fugitive assassin") from another world.

 

When Briella encounters three dead bodies by the woods, she immediately reports them to police. She never thought she would literally run into the prime suspect of this crime: A striking, enigmatic man named Dusk. She’s drawn to his mystique (Hmm, maybe finding a subtler way of saying this would be better), and a cautious relationship blooms. He convinces her that he’s innocent, and asks for help surviving in her town until he can get back home. Briella agrees, never one to turn away someone in need.

 

 

Consequently, local police show up at her doorstep. Soon after, a poisoned arrow narrowly misses Briella’s head (Who does this arrow come from? Zevyn, who's introduced later on?), and Dusk finally confesses to her. He’s part elf and demon, exiled (Is he exiled though, if there's a bounty on him?) from his world for killing a prominent figure. Now, Zeyvn, a bounty hunter from their (I agree with PureZhar that it would be much clearer to say "his" or "Dusk's" instead of "their") world, has been sent to bring Dusk back in chains, or even better, headless. Accusing her of guilt by association, Zeyvn is happy to take Briella instead (I'm not sure if I follow this--why would Zevyn's bounty payers care about a random earthling when Dusk is the assassin? Maybe say something more along the lines of that Zevyn won't hesitate to kill anyone who gets in Zevyn's way), dead or alive, if she won’t give Dusk up.

 

 

Dusk assures her they’ll get through this together. But she’s not so sure she trusts the man who knowingly got her into this mess. Yet, handing Dusk over to Zeyvn could get her imprisoned in their (Which world? Isn't handing Dusk over the safe option for Briella so Zevyn doesn't bother her?) world, or killed. One wrong move or word could see her medical future, athletic dreams (Her med school & cross country stuff ... has kind of been dropped since the first line. And it's kind of been rendered insignificant with all of the murder & life stakes. I don't know if you are trying to make light of this, but something is needed to not make the contrast jarring), or her life snuffed out.

 

 

NIGHTSWORN is complete at 98,000 words, and is a dual-POV adult contemporary urban fantasy, with elements of romance and high fantasy. I am querying you because (something customized to said agent here)

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

This is an interesting mix of romance & fantasy. I think this draft just needs a couple little questions answered & then figuring how to fit her normal life stuff into the extra-worldly stuff without becoming irrelevant. Keep at it, I'm sure you'll be able to work all of that out.



#30 galian84

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Posted 20 February 2018 - 09:40 AM

​This is definitely better! I got lost near the last few sentences, though. You're doing great, overall!

 

​Also, I would appreciate it if you would check out my query again. I completely rewrote it and am trying to figure out how to fix the new version (or if I should revert to the old one). Thanks!

Thanks for the encouragement! Hmm, let me see what I can do to clear up the last couple sentences, I can understand where it could get confusing. I meant to say Zeyvn would bring Briella back to his and Dusk's world...maybe I will just write it that way and see how it looks.

 

I'll definitely take a look at your new query!


This is an interesting mix of romance & fantasy. I think this draft just needs a couple little questions answered & then figuring how to fit her normal life stuff into the extra-worldly stuff without becoming irrelevant. Keep at it, I'm sure you'll be able to work all of that out.

Thanks for the crit, Tea! l'll definitely see what I can do about getting those questions answered.



#31 Wayfarer

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Posted 20 February 2018 - 11:36 AM

Briella Forthyss planned to spend her last college months finalizing medical school plans and competing for a cross country championship. Instead, she’s hiding an assassin-turned-fugitive from another world.

 

When Briella encounters three dead bodies by the woods, she immediately reports them to police. She never thought she would literally run into the prime suspect of the crime: A striking, enigmatic man named Dusk. She’s drawn to his mystique, and a cautious relationship blooms. He convinces her that he’s innocent, and asks for help surviving in her town until he can get back home. Briella agrees, never one to turn away someone in need.

 

 

When local police show up at her doorstep, and a poisoned arrow narrowly misses Briella’s head, and Dusk finally comes clean. He’s part elf and demon, exiled from his world for killing a prominent figure. Now, Zeyvn, a bounty hunter from their world, has been sent to bring Dusk back in chains, or if the opportunity arises, headless. Accusing her of guilt by association, Zeyvn is happy to take Briella instead, dead or alive, if she won’t give Dusk up.

 

 

Dusk assures her they’ll get through this together. But she’s not so sure she trusts the man who knowingly got her into this mess. Yet, handing Dusk over to Zeyvn could get her imprisoned in their world, or killed. One wrong move or word could mean the death of her medical future, athletic dreams, and worse yet, herself.

Looking really good. I only had a few phrasing changes to suggest to increase readability. The overall structure you have now is very much in the vein of a good query. I love that you leave the "Elf/Demon" reveal until the third paragraph, does a great job of renewing attention.



#32 galian84

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Posted 20 February 2018 - 11:44 AM

Looking really good. I only had a few phrasing changes to suggest to increase readability. The overall structure you have now is very much in the vein of a good query. I love that you leave the "Elf/Demon" reveal until the third paragraph, does a great job of renewing attention.

Great suggestions, Wayfarer, thank you for looking over this draft and for your critique!!







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