Note: I didn't not read former renditions so as to come at it fresh. If you've already addressed a point in the comments and I missed it making points here redundant, apologies :)
Animals are no longer strictly animals. In the same sense, people are no longer strictly people. (Over a period of time where) this time reference feels vague/ anti-climatic. Maybe try something like "As civilization is devastated by global warm..." etc. I think by using past tense here it still clearly defines that this happened before the action of your novel civilization was devastated by global warming, humans developed magical powers and the ability to turn into animals I'm not sure how these correlate, but I like the idea of people turning into animals, so I'm sweeping it under for now. Every child
born has a single animal form and learns their one here are you suggesting that all children receive one animal form and one magical power, or is the animal form their one power? power as they grow older. Now, a century later, as civilization begins to rebuild itself, a new threat has emerged: a mysterious leader JACOB who has taken over the world.
The world knows little about the tyrant who rules them, except for his name, animal form, base of operations, and above all, that he is evil This list reads like, well, a list. it might work to reorder i.e. "The world knows Jacob's name, animal form, and base, but most of all they know he's evil." or to remove one thing (of which I feel like the base is the least important). From demolishing Australia to murdering millions these examples seem a bit like one-in-the-same, we assume by destroying Australia he has murdered millions, Jacob has proved himself cruel. Many
rebellions I'm deleting here just so you're not using the same word twice in one sentence, it can be inferred have risen to stop him, but the largest (and nearest to his lair) I would consider removing this as well, maybe if proximity is paramount move to another place is the Northern Rebellion. Founded by the fifteen-year-old STAR and seventeen-year-old JASE, the Northern Rebellion has always searched for a way to assassinate their corrupt king. Lack of information once made that impossible, but new spy intel finally offers a chance to succeed. I would invert these clauses, or simply eliminate the first for variety. As you mentioned in my query, several multiple clause sentences in a row may bring on reader fatigue and/ or inattention, that varying length could help.
Captured during the assassination attempt, Star finds herself imprisoned in a simulated wilderness During the assignation attempt Star is captured and imprisoned...etc. There, she meets impassive why impassive? this seems like an odd word choice. I'm assuming you're trying to express that he's not what the masses think, but this makes it difficult to believe he opens up to her and/or that she wants to spend untold hours with him, seventeen-year-old Jacob and discovers his
powers of keeping ability to keep people in animal form. Yet hours alone with him rouse a terrifying desire to learn more… and not so she can defeat him.
Meanwhile, Jase, who is in love with Star, slowly edges towards madness Is this madness caused by Star's loss, or was he headed there anyway? . Despite holding the rebellion on stand-by, Jase attempts and fails to rescue Star himself. As time passes, he becomes more and more desperate to free Star from the coercive king's cage. This paragraph feels awkward. I see that you're trying to bring Jase back into the fold, but it needs to be more direct. "Jase is desperate to free Star from the king's clutches. He goes against the better judgement of the rebellion and stages a solo attempt to rescue Star. Failure edges his desperation to the bring of madness." (but better than this, I'm clearly just winging it ;)
But it proves unnecessary. One day, Then Jacob releases Star without explanation. (Star returns to the rebellion and Jase. With Star back, they assault Jacob again. They fail, but Star's excitement from seeing Jacob again – even as enemies - is not overlooked by Jase.) In parenthesis: Star returns to Jase and the rebellion, but when they attack he can't help but notice her excitement at the prospect of seeing Jacob again Determined to keep her as far from the tyrant as possible, he Jase forces her Star to stay behind during the next attack. Yet the plan backfires. , because While the rebellion sieges Jacob's mansion, Jacob visits visit is a pretty benign word considering the tension you're trying to create here Star at the rebellion's headquarters. He offers what she has always desired to know – the truth behind his actions. Returning with him to his mansion, Star learns that not only humans want Jacob dead; the gods are after him as well. And Jase? Jase is his brother.
When Jacob was nine, the gods
of Earth offered him a jar which,that when opened, would destroy the evil in the soul of the person who opened it. (Evil attaches to a person’s soul when they commit evil acts. Thus, if a person captured all evil in their soul before opening the jar, evil would be eliminated from the planet.) I'm not sure how, but this needs rewording, there are four "evil"s in two sentences. I think you're trying to say each evil act makes a mark on the soul and Jacob basically need to collect a "mark" for each evil in order to destroy them The gods, jealous of Jacob’s perfect innocence, had given him this near-impossible task in the hopes that he would fail and thereby condemn his soul to hell. But Jacob, whose weakness lay in his fear of being evil, did not see failure as an option. To achieve ultimate evil, and thus renew the world, Jacob would need to break the souls of every human on Earth through one of four ways: subjugating, brainwashing, crushing, or killing.
He reveals to Star his three-part soul I don't understand the "three part soul" is this unique to Jacob?, the source of his power and innocence he's not really innocent anymore though, is he?, hoping that in doing so she will learn who he truly is and switch loyalties. She does. Her decision to follow Jacob is tested
many times, from watching him murder to meeting the gods. As time progresses, and Star begins to wonder if the jar is an excuse for his actions. Regardless, she follows him until the day that the jar is ready to be opened. The remnants of humanity gather , per his at Jacob's request. and Jacob intentionally angers his citizens to He incites a revolt . Under the cover of and uses the chaos , he and Star to seek out Jase. to and finally dissuade him from fighting.
Yet as his brother walks away, Jase turns on him. He attacks; the brothers battle in their animal forms – tiger and lion I had hoped to hear more about the animal forms throughout, it feels a bit like an after thought here since it hasn't been mentioned since the history at the very beginning. Jase manages to fatally wounds Jacob, but Star, gifted with the power of healing, chooses to saves him Jacob. (Jase, betrayed by his best friend, gives up the fight.) Wouldn't he already feel betrayed after Jacob and Star approached him together to get him to stop fighting? And/or when Star changes her allegiance, if he knows about it? When Star and Jacob return to where the dregs of humanity are fighting the battle below, Jacob calms the crowd, and triumphantly forces everyone to kneel before him "calms" and "triumphantly forces" don't play together well. If he's still playing bad-guy maybe he conquers the crowd, or subdues them?. Star and Jacob then reenter the mansion and make their way to the jar. Jacob opens the jar... and crumples to the floor. This is kind of an awkward segue- I feel like I probably don't care a whole lot about the masses revolting and you could probably skip to the jar business. When you get to the "making their way to the jar" part you need to add more of a sense of urgency- like is there something even worse coming if Jacob fails/ doesn't complete his duty to the gods in time?
In his last moments, Jacob assures Star that he knows of his fate and requests that she hide his true reason for taking over the world from the rest of humanity why doesn't he want to be redeemed for his sacrifice? I'd put the part about him opening the jar here so you're not interrupting the apex. Though Star attempts to heal him, Jacob dies. (Having finally chosen a side, only to lose her ally immediately, Star picks her way out of the mansion, which shortly thereafter bursts into flame.) this is awkward wording again. Star is crushed as she realizes she's finally picked a side just in time to lose her only ally (but also, isn't he more than that at this point?)
The survivors of Jacob's reign
fall asleep and awaken to a newborn world. Jase forgives Star , who apologizes for choosing Jacob. They continue as leaders in the perfect world together, though Star knows her apology was a and they begin leading this new perfect world together, but Star can't help thinking she's living a lie.
If he was still alive, she would have chosen Jacob.
She always would.
Okay, despite the massive amount of blue I've inserted into your write-up I think you're on the right track. A lot of the issues you're currently having could be cleared up by writing simpler sentences with less clauses and/or passive voice clauses.
Throughout this peer-editing process, I've found it frustrating to have holes poked in my writing (i.e. a random "too vague" or "why" etc.) without any actual constructive assistance, so in several instances after poking at you (and this is good natured, so hopefully it doesn't come off harsh) I've offered a different wording or sentence. Take these with a grain of salt as I've not read you MS so I might be headed way off in the wrong direction from where you're trying to take us without realizing. Also, I clearly have not labored over this as you have, so take the examples as a suggestion, not a shiny A+ piece of writing that I'm suggesting you use as is ;)
Hope this is helpful for revisions and doesn't come off overly critical. Good luck!