*sigh* Okay. Taking some suggestions from fellow writers on FB, I've punched and kneading this some more. Now it includes some explanation of the universe the story takes place in, which hopefully helps.
This is exhausting. (I hear ya, sister!) As always, I appreciate critique -- but I may have to take a bit of a break from it t get some perspective. I hope folks will continue to weigh in. :)
EMOTIONS VERSION 2 (346 words)
Dear [Agent or Publisher Name],
Love and violence, war and lust, lies and betrayal — even intelligent dinosaurs fell victim to such destructive impulses, more than67 million years ago. This feels like a log line, which you don't need. Really, it doesn't add much to your query, which should be showcasing plot. "67 million years ago" is useful, however, and you might want to work it into a hook. When I say hook, I mean an eye-catching line or two that plunges us into your story/world. Something like: "Love is not something a slave from 67 million years ago like Girn'ash would ever expect to find. Certainly not with an imprisoned soldier of the enemy."
For over two centuries the primordial dinosaur Tribes have been at war with the genetically modified saurians of the Culture, who are supplied by an alien Codex with higher levels of technology. There's too much going on here. Do we need to know about the Codex? Can you simplify and simply state that Girn'ash's people have been at war with the technologically advanced saurians of the Culture for centuries? Now Girn'ash, a lowly female slave of the Tribes, finds herself desperately torn between conflicting loyalties when she falls in love with a beautiful imprisoned Culture warrior — and she will do anything in her meagre power to release him from captivity. (This is where your story starts, and it's where your query should start, which is why I suggested the above hook in the first paragraph)
But she must be secretive and shrewd.
The Most Potent Chieftesss of the TribesHer queen is plotting to coerce thethe handsome youth into her harem. Without his fresh seed to stimulate her failing fertility, (that's a little graphic for my taste) she will be cast down from her position as leader of all the Tribes and brutally executed. Is there another way you can phrase this without stimulating seed and failing fertility? Her empire is at stake, and she will crush anyone who stands in her way.
Girn'ash hatches a plan to set the warrior free, but he will not leave without his new lover, a mysterious Tribal poetess. Wait a minute. You seemed to be setting us up for Girn'ash to be with this guy. Why would she risk her life to free him if he isn't even interested in her? Fearing that the Chieftess will murder the warrior in jealous rage, Girnash risks everything to flee to the Culture's homeland. In a monstrous act of betrayal, she begs the warrior's Shogun to send an army to rescue him (This is very confusing on the first read-through. You might want to name this imprisoned warrior earlier and use his name here), and promises to show them the way to the hidden village of the Tribes. Girn'ash can't begin to imagine the consequences of her actions, or that the Shogun's intentions in finding his lost soldier are anything but benevolent. In the end, nuclear fire may annihilate all she has ever held dear. I would leave out this bit about nuclear fire. In a story about dinosaurs, it only adds to the confusion.
THE CODEX OF DESIRE is an adult science fiction novel complete at 133,000 words, with ongoing series potential. In terms of credentials, I possess a Bachelor of Arts (Honours) in English and Philosophy, and have had a short science fiction story ("Like Ants to Honey") published in the e-mag "Far Horizons" (Issue #2, May 2014).
Thank you for your time and attention.
Laurie E. Smith
Okay, so some final thoughts. You have a tricky job here, trying to introduce us to a world populated by dinosaurs instead of people. It's made infinitely more tricky by the introduction of alien technology, harems, and stimulating seed. Your job is to make all of this simple enough for a person who is speed-reading through it without ever having laid eyes on it before could understand. The best ways to do that are eliminating as many capitalized titles and names as you can, and boil your plot down to your MC's struggle.
After reading through the whole query carefully, I would recommend taking out the bit about the Chieftess' motivations altogether. Simply stating that she will either conscript him into her harem or kill him will suffice. That's enough to show that his life is in danger, and provides impetus to your MC. That said, I still don't understand why she's bothering with this fool. He's got another lover, so why is she willing to betray her entire people for him? It is vital that her reasons for this are crystal clear. Right now, they aren't.
Lastly, I suggest you end your query with the decision to betray her people. Or, rather, her decision whether or not to betray her people. And again, the motivation for either choice has to be believable.