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#1 VSChapman

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Posted 05 February 2018 - 08:49 PM

So, this is my first attempt at a synopsis. Feel free to chop away! I promise I will return the favor- but it may take me a few days. Thanks!

 

 

Ten years ago, unknown ‘Others’ attacked Earth without warning. After three days of war, they left behind a devastated and broken world as they vanished once again into the skies. Questions loomed of who they really were, where they came from and if they’d ever be back. 

 

Now, PIPER SULLIVAN, a naïve but hardworking girl, lives with her little brother and father in a small town in Georgia. She spends her days hunting, farming and scavenging to help rebuild her town and get life back to the way it once was. She spends her weekends either with her friends at the lake or taking her dad’s old plane to The Market to trade goods.

 

On the morning of Piper’s seventeenth birthday, the military shows up unannounced at her school and drafts everyone seventeen and older. Piper and her friends are called to serve in what’s left of the military, despite resistance from the town.

 

Piper worries about leaving her family behind as her father’s health seems to be rapidly declining, but she pushes her feelings aside in hopes to make enough money from the military to send some home.

 

Once in basic training, Piper meets several instructors. TARGEN, one of her main instructors, is hostile and threatening. But she falls rapidly for JAKE, another instructor. Then, she hears about the Resistance, an underground group whose members claim the government is controlling its citizens.

 

Piper and her friends prepare to fight against these rebels as they get close to graduating from basic training. Meanwhile, Targen grows physically abusive, but with a candidate’s word against an instructors’, the base’s general won’t move Targen to another base.

 

Just a week before finishing, Targen challenges Piper to a fight. Even at twice her size, she refuses to back down and ends up in the infirmary. Jake nurses her back to health as their feelings grow stronger for each other.

 

Piper and her friends finally graduate from basic and Piper earns one on of the top spots as a pilot. Jake and some other instructors take the group out to a party to celebrate. Jake reveals the he is actually a spy for the Resistance. The very group that Piper was preparing to fight against. He also tells her that her own father is one of the founding members and that they are preparing to fight against the government. The government is actually controlled by the Others, who never left and hides among the citizens. Targen is one of the Others as well. Piper and her friends chose to join the Resistance and hide as spies in the military.

 

When one of the instructors goes missing, Piper and one of her friends find the instructor and Targen in an abandoned home on base. Targen has already killed the instructor and threatens Piper’s life for the names of all the spies. Her friend gives him what he wants but Piper attacks him. During the fight, her friend is killed but Piper kills Targen in the end. Jake and another instructor rush in and tell everyone they will need to run, as they are no longer safe there. As they attempt to escape base, the General comes after them. Piper and her friends steal the airplane they were training on to get away from base as they are out-numbered.

 

In a daring escape, Piper flies her friends away from the base. She heads towards home in hopes to get answers from her father.

 

Though Piper and her friends mourn the loss of their friends, they head toward safety to hide underground and help build the Resistance. With them, she will continue to fight for her freedom from the Other's control. 



#2 Arait

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Posted 06 February 2018 - 12:44 PM

Is Piper named after her dad's old plane? Pipers are great little planes. As for what's relevant... I don't have strike-out or color abilities on my phone. I kinda feel like you use the word "as" too much. In the second paragraph, you start to sentences in a row "She spends..."

Can she spend her days hunting and rebuilding town and also go to school?

"with a candidate’s word against an instructors’, the base’s general won’t move Targen to another base." Aside from getting a little lost in the apostrophes, this made me wonder, even in the rare chance that they do listen to her, would the general respond to an abusive instructor by sending him to another base? Wouldn't they more likely send her to another base? Or give the instructor some ineffective slap on the wrist?

"Her friend gives him what he wants but Piper attacks him." Almost makes it sound like she fights her friend.

Hope these are a few good pointers that can help.

#3 MICRONESIA

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Posted 06 February 2018 - 01:01 PM

So, this is my first attempt at a synopsis. Feel free to chop away! I promise I will return the favor- but it may take me a few days. Thanks!

 

 

Ten years ago, unknown ‘Others’ attacked Earth without warning. After three days of war, Like in your query, I really wonder about this. Was it really a "war?" Sounds like they blew shit up and left. they left behind a devastated and broken world as they vanished once again into the skies. Questions loomed of who they really were, where they came from and if they’d ever be back. 

 

Now, PIPER SULLIVAN, a naïve but hardworking girl, lives with her little brother and father in a small town in Georgia. Age? She spends her days hunting, farming and scavenging to help rebuild her town and get life back to the way it once was. She spends her weekends either with her friends at the lake Necessary info? or taking her dad’s old plane to The Market to trade goods.

 

On the morning of Piper’s seventeenth birthday, Okay... the military shows up unannounced at her school and drafts everyone seventeen and older. Piper and her friends are called to serve in what’s left of the military, despite resistance from the town.

 

Piper worries about leaving her family behind as her father’s health seems to be rapidly declining, but she pushes her feelings aside in hopes to make enough money from the military to send some home.

 

Once in basic training, Piper meets several instructors. TARGEN, one of her main instructors, is hostile and threatening. You don't need both these adjectives. But she falls rapidly for JAKE, another instructor. Then, she hears about the Resistance, an underground group whose members claim the government is controlling its citizens. How? Be specific. The government is ALWAYS controlling its citizens in some way!

 

Piper and her friends prepare to fight against these rebels as they get close to graduating from basic training. Meanwhile, Targen grows physically abusive, but with a candidate’s word against an instructors’, the base’s general won’t move Targen to another base.

 

Just a week before finishing, Targen challenges Piper to a fight. Even at twice her size, she refuses to back down and ends up in the infirmary. Jake nurses her back to health as their feelings grow stronger for each other. We know nothing about Jake or why she likes him.

 

Piper and her friends finally graduate from basic and Piper earns one on of the top spots as a pilot. Jake and some other instructors take the group out to a party to celebrate. Jake reveals the he is actually a spy for the Resistance. The very group that Piper was preparing to fight against. Fragment. He also tells her that her own father is one of the founding members and that they are preparing to fight against the government. The government is actually controlled by the Others, who never left and hide among the citizens. So they're shapeshifters, like in They Live? You probably want to clarify this. Targen is one of the Others as well. Piper and her friends choose to join the Resistance and hide as spies in the military.

 

When one of the instructors goes missing, Piper and one of her friends find the instructor and Targen in an abandoned home on the base. Targen has already killed the instructor and threatens Piper’s life for the names of all the spies. Her friend gives him what he wants but Piper attacks him. Attacks who? During the fight, her friend is killed but Piper kills Targen in the end. Jake and another instructor rush in and tell everyone they will need to run, as they are no longer safe there. As they attempt to escape base, the General comes after them. Who is the General? If he's important, his name should be in all caps the first time it appears. Piper and her friends steal the airplane they were training on to get away from base as they are out-numbered.

 

In a daring escape, Piper flies her friends away from the base. She heads towards home in hopes to get answers from her father.

 

Though Piper and her friends mourn the loss of their friends, they head toward safety to hide underground and help build the Resistance. With them, she will continue to fight for her freedom from the Others' control. 

 

This is cool, but I think it's missing something big: CHOICE. Like... what was she wanting and did she get it? How does she grow as a character? So she kills the bad guy in the end. So what? What has she learned about herself? Where was the turning point for the character? Internal conflict? Get these things in there and you'll be sitting pretty.

 

Also, what the hell do THE OTHERS want???



#4 VSChapman

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Posted 11 February 2018 - 01:13 PM

Is Piper named after her dad's old plane? Pipers are great little planes. As for what's relevant... I don't have strike-out or color abilities on my phone. I kinda feel like you use the word "as" too much. In the second paragraph, you start to sentences in a row "She spends..."

Can she spend her days hunting and rebuilding town and also go to school?

"with a candidate’s word against an instructors’, the base’s general won’t move Targen to another base." Aside from getting a little lost in the apostrophes, this made me wonder, even in the rare chance that they do listen to her, would the general respond to an abusive instructor by sending him to another base? Wouldn't they more likely send her to another base? Or give the instructor some ineffective slap on the wrist?

"Her friend gives him what he wants but Piper attacks him." Almost makes it sound like she fights her friend.

Hope these are a few good pointers that can help.

yes! She is named after an airplane. They one they fly in the book is a Cessna and a KingAir. But her father, brother and her are all pilots. Thanks for the suggestions and I will work on edits!



#5 Arait

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Posted 11 February 2018 - 07:40 PM

My dad and I do our work in a Cessna. I suddenly feel very connected to your MC. Glad to know you're an author who knows who they're writing about. 👍

#6 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 12 February 2018 - 04:06 PM

So, this is my first attempt at a synopsis. Feel free to chop away! I promise I will return the favor- but it may take me a few days. Thanks!

 

 

Ten years ago, unknown ‘Others’ (Capitals) attacked Earth without warning. After three days of war, they left behind a devastated and broken world as they vanished once again into the skies. Questions loomed of who they really were, where they came from and if they’d ever be back. 

 

Now, PIPER SULLIVAN, a naïve but hardworking girl, lives with her little brother and father in a small town in Georgia. She spends her days hunting, farming and scavenging to help rebuild her town and get life back to the way it once was. She spends her weekends either with her friends at the lake or taking her dad’s old plane to The Market to trade goods.

 

On the morning of Piper’s seventeenth birthday, the military shows up unannounced at her school and drafts everyone seventeen and older. Piper and her friends are called to serve in what’s left of the military, despite resistance from the town.

 

Piper worries about leaving her family behind as her father’s health seems to be is rapidly declining, but she pushes her feelings aside in hopes to make enough money from the military to send some home.

 

Once in basic training, Piper meets several instructors. TARGEN, one of her main instructors, is hostile and threatening. But she falls rapidly for JAKE, another instructor. (Why does she fall for the dude?) Then (could potentially use another transition word, like "later". Then sounds a bit abrupt), she hears about the Resistance, an underground group whose members claim the government is controlling its citizens. How?

 

Piper and her friends prepare to fight against these rebels as they get close to graduating from basic training. Okay, so is the Resistence common knowledge? I assumed by "hears about the Resistance" in the paragraph above, it was more of a rumour.  So this is why the government has drafted everyone? Meanwhile, Targen grows physically abusive, but with a candidate’s word against an instructors’, the base’s general won’t move Targen to another base.

 

Just a week before finishing, Targen challenges Piper to a fight. Even at twice her size, she refuses to back down and ends up in the infirmary. Jake nurses her back to health as their feelings grow stronger for each other. (Again, we need to know more about why she falls for Jake, because right now, I don't care about him at all.)

 

Piper and her friends finally graduate from basic and Piper earns one on of the top spots as a pilot. Jake and some other instructors take the group out to a party to celebrate. Jake reveals the he is actually a spy for the Resistance. The very group that Piper was preparing to fight against. Sentence fragment. He also tells her that her own father is one of the founding members and that they are preparing to fight against the government. The government is actually controlled by the Others, who never left and hides among the citizens. Targen is one of the Others as well. Who are the others? Aliens? Aliens who can shape-shift into humans?! AHHHHHH Piper and her friends chose to join the Resistance and hide as spies in the military. 

 

When one of the instructors goes missing, Piper and one of her friends find the instructor and Targen in an abandoned home on base. Targen has already killed the instructor and threatens Piper’s life for the names of all the spies. Her friend gives him what he wants but Piper attacks him Attacks who? Targen? This is unclear. During the fight, her friend is killed but Piper kills Targen in the end. You may want to specify how she killed him, since this seems to be a major part of the ending.  Jake and another instructor rush in and tell everyone they will need to run, as they are no longer safe there. As they attempt to escape base, the General comes after them. Whoa - where did this General come from all of a sudden? Piper and her friends steal the airplane they were training on to get away from base as they are out-numbered.

 

In a daring escape, Piper flies her friends away from the base. She heads towards home in hopes to get answers from her father.

 

Though Piper and her friends mourn the loss of their friends, they head toward safety to hide underground and help build the Resistance. With them, she will continue to fight for her freedom from the Other's control. 

 

This was great - there were just a few things that need to be clarified, but overall, I understood everything.  Also, to reiterate what someone else said, who are the Others?! That was the only thing that really confused me.  Are they aliens? Shapeshifters? Just the dirty old government with a fancy name?

Also - love the title!



#7 VSChapman

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Posted 10 March 2018 - 05:18 PM

Attempt #2. (sorry about the spelling errors before. oops!)

 

 

Ten years ago, unknown ‘OTHERS’ attacked Earth without warning. After three days of war, they retreated, leaving behind a devastated and broken world as they vanished into the skies. Questions loomed of who they really were, where they came from and if they’d ever be back. 

 

Now, seventeen-year-old PIPER, a naïve but hardworking girl, lives with her brother and father in a small town in Georgia. She spends her days hunting, farming and scavenging to help rebuild her town and get life back to the way it once was. During weekends, when she’s not with friends she takes her dad’s old plane to The Market to trade goods.

 

One morning, the military shows up unannounced at her school and drafts everyone seventeen and older. Piper and her friends leave to serve in what’s left of the military, despite resistance from the town. Piper worries about leaving her family behind, especially since her father’s health is rapidly declining, but she pushes her feelings aside in hopes to make enough money to send home.

 

Once in basic training, Piper finds herself caught between a rivalry of two instructors. TARGEN, one of her main instructors, is cold and calculating as he tests his boundaries on pushing the cadets. And JAKE, the handsome ‘boy scout’ instructor that always follows the rules. Piper falls immediately for Jake’s deep blue eyes and infectious smile and their forbidden chemistry gives something for Targen to target.

 

Also, during training, she learns about the Resistance, an underground group whose members claim the government is controlling its citizens by holding back repairs and communication.

 

Piper and her friends prepare to fight against these rebels as they get close to graduating. Meanwhile, Targen grows physically abusive to the cadets. But with his word against theirs and a clear favorite of GENERAL HOWELL’s, Targen walks away with an ineffective warning.

 

Just a week before finishing, Targen challenges Piper to a fight. Even at twice her size, she refuses to back down and ends up in the infirmary. Jake nurses her back to health and their feelings grow stronger for each other.

 

Piper and her friends finally graduate from basic and Piper earns one on of the top spots as a pilot. Jake and some other instructors take the group out to a party to celebrate. Jake reveals he is actually a spy for the Resistance; the group that Piper was preparing to fight against. He also tells her that her own father is one of the founding members and that they are preparing to fight against the government. The government is controlled by the Others, who never left and hide among the citizens in order to control them from within. The Others look just like humans except for the irises of the eyes are black and use contacts to cover it up. Targen is also one of the Others. Piper and her friends chose to join the Resistance and hide as spies in the military.

 

When one of the instructors goes missing, Piper and one of her friends find the instructor and Targen in an abandoned home on the base. Targen has already killed the instructor and threatens Piper’s life for the names of all the spies. Her friend gives him what he wants but Piper attacks Targen. During the fight, her friend is killed but Piper kills Targen as well. Jake and another instructor gather everyone to run, because they are no longer safe there. As they attempt to escape base, General Howell comes after them. Piper and her friends steal the airplane they were training on to get away from base since they are out-numbered.

 

In a daring escape, Piper flies her friends away from the base. She heads towards home in hopes to get answers from her father.

 

Though Piper and her friends mourn the loss of their friends, they head toward safety to hide underground and help build the Resistance. With them, she will continue to fight for her freedom from the Others’ control. 



#8 VSChapman

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Posted 11 March 2018 - 10:47 AM

My dad and I do our work in a Cessna. I suddenly feel very connected to your MC. Glad to know you're an author who knows who they're writing about.

What kind of work? I love Cessna's. Those are great planes. :)



#9 Erevos

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Posted 12 March 2018 - 12:22 PM

Hello Chapman and thank you for your comments on my synopsis!

Attempt #2. (sorry about the spelling errors before. oops!)

 

 

Ten years ago, unknown ‘OTHERS’ attacked Earth without warning. After three days of war, they retreated, leaving behind a devastated and broken world as they vanished into the skies. Questions loomed of who they really were, where they came from and if they’d ever be back. 

I definitely like this! 1 question. What did they get? I'm assuming natural resources? Something else? It would help to drop it here, since a simple attack doesn't make much sense! It would if they killed all human beings to establish a colony or something.

 

Now, seventeen-year-old PIPER, a naïve but hardworking girl, lives with her brother and father in a small town in Georgia. She spends her days hunting, farming and scavenging to help rebuild her town and get life back to the way it once was. During weekends, when she’s not with friends she takes her dad’s old plane to The Market to trade goods. A big of info dump, but I like the picture!

 

One morning, the military shows up unannounced at her school and drafts everyone seventeen and older. Piper and her friends leave to serve in what’s left of the military, despite resistance from the town. Piper worries about leaving her family behind, especially since her father’s health is rapidly declining, but she pushes her feelings aside in hopes to make enough money to send home. Hmmm.... First they take people by force, then they pay them salaries? A draft is done in times when the military needs personnel, and a salary is usually never a "bonus". You may want to clarify this a bit. Other than that I'm good with this paragraph!

 

Once in basic training, Piper finds herself caught between a rivalry of two instructors. TARGEN, one of her main instructors, is cold and calculating as he tests his boundaries on pushing the cadets. And But JAKE, the handsome ‘boy scout’ instructor that always follows the rules. Piper falls immediately for Jake’s deep blue eyes and infectious smile and their forbidden chemistry gives something for Targen to target.

 

Also, during training, she learns about the Resistance, an underground group whose members claim the government is controlling its citizens by holding back repairs and communication.

 

Piper and her friends prepare to fight against these rebels as they get close to graduating. Meanwhile, Targen grows physically abusive to the cadets. But with his word against theirs and a clear favorite of GENERAL HOWELL’s, Targen walks away with an ineffective warning.

 

Just a week before finishing, Targen challenges Piper to a fight. Even at twice her size, she refuses to back down and ends up in the infirmary. Jake nurses her back to health and their feelings grow stronger for each other.

 

Piper and her friends finally graduate from basic and Piper earns one on of the top spots as a pilot. Jake and some other instructors take the group out to a party to celebrate. Jake reveals he is actually a spy for the Resistance; the group that Piper was preparing to fight against. He also tells her that her own father Okay, this is a big reveal and raises a question. How come Piper never knew? She never noticed any weird activity? Like her father leaving for a few days etc.  is one of the founding members and that they are preparing to fight against the government. The government is controlled by the Others, who never left and hide among the citizens in order to control them from within. Ohhhhh okay. Still though, first they devastate the whole world, then they are trying to control it? I'm sure more are explained in the book, but if possible I'd like some a brief answer to their whole motives! It's a synopsis after all. UNLEEEEEEESS, no one really knows, and they're assuming it's only for control.  The Others look just like humans except for the irises of the eyes are black and use contacts to cover it up. Targen is also one of the Others. Piper and her friends choose to join the Resistance and hide as spies in the military.

 

When one of the instructors goes missing, Piper and one of her friends find the instructor and Targen in an abandoned home on the base. Targen has already killed the instructor and threatens Piper’s life for the names of all the spies. Her friend gives him what he wants, but Piper attacks Targen. During the fight, her friend is killed but Piper kills Targen as well. This sentence needs some work. Jake and another instructor gather everyone to run, because they are no longer safe there. As they attempt to escape the base, General Howell comes after them. Piper and her friends steal the airplane they were training on to get away from base since they are out-numbered. Out-numbered, Piper and her friends realise the only way out is to steal an airplane.

 

In a daring escape, Piper flies her friends away from the base. She heads towards home in hopes to get answers from her father.

 

Though Piper and her friends mourn the loss of their friends, they head toward safety to hide underground and help build the Resistance. With them, she will continue to fight for her freedom from the Others’ control. How about:  In a daring escape, Piper flies her friends away from the base. She heads towards home in hopes of getting answers from her father, determined to assist the Resistance and fight for her freedom from the Other's control.

Ahhhhhhh a series!! My dear fellow, the best of luck to you too! I have no idea why agents are so obsessed with stand-alones honestly. A bad book won't sell. Stand-alone or series makes no difference. A good book will sell, stand-alone or series. Anyway!

 

All in all a nice effort! I get the whole picture. You might want to fix some sentences to be sharper. I have some questions that I'd like them answered if possible. Disgruntled has a point about Jake... he is nowhere so we don't feel much about him... I'm not sure if this is a multi-POV or from Piper's only, but 1-2 sentences about Jack would help build his profile.

 

Sorry for any spelling mistakes etc. I tend to write really fast and English isn't my mother tongue. Sometimes I even forget a whole word!


My query: http://agentquerycon...teampunksci-fi/

Let me know if you want me to look at yours. Will happily do so.


#10 VSChapman

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Posted 12 March 2018 - 04:52 PM

Hello Chapman and thank you for your comments on my synopsis!

Ahhhhhhh a series!! My dear fellow, the best of luck to you too! I have no idea why agents are so obsessed with stand-alones honestly. A bad book won't sell. Stand-alone or series makes no difference. A good book will sell, stand-alone or series. Anyway!

 

All in all a nice effort! I get the whole picture. You might want to fix some sentences to be sharper. I have some questions that I'd like them answered if possible. Disgruntled has a point about Jake... he is nowhere so we don't feel much about him... I'm not sure if this is a multi-POV or from Piper's only, but 1-2 sentences about Jack would help build his profile.

 

Sorry for any spelling mistakes etc. I tend to write really fast and English isn't my mother tongue. Sometimes I even forget a whole word!

Hello Erevos, thanks for all the comments! I will try to answer some questions. It is all Piper's POV. Yes, Jake is still coming out a little flat. I will need to work on that. ;)  So, originally, the Others attacked to kill all humans and take over the planet. The reason why the attack stopped and why they are hiding among them doesn't get explained until book 3. (It's a trilogy). The reason Piper never noticed any activity is because her father shielded her from it. That also gets explained in the book but I will definitely add that in there. I will work on those sentences you pointed out and try to clear things up. Thanks again!



#11 Wayfarer

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Posted 13 March 2018 - 08:43 PM

Ten years ago, unknown ‘OTHERS’ attacked Earth without warning. After three days of war, they retreated, leaving behind a devastated and broken world as they vanished into the skies. Questions loomed of who they really were, where they came from and if they’d ever be back. 

 

Now, seventeen-year-old PIPER, a naïve but hardworking girl, lives with her brother and father in a small town in Georgia. She spends her days hunting, farming and scavenging to help rebuild her town and get life back to the way it once was. During weekends, when she’s not with friends she takes her dad’s old plane to The Market to trade goods. (The structure of this sentence doesn't read well. I know you're trying to display her as a "normal" girl, but either remove the 'not with friends' part, or re-form this sentence. It doesn't transfer smoothly from the preceding sentence either.)

 

One morning, the military shows up unannounced at her school and drafts everyone seventeen and older. Piper and her friends leave to serve in what’s left of the military, despite resistance from the town. Piper worries about leaving her family behind, especially since her father’s health is rapidly declining, but she pushes her feelings aside in hopes of making enough money to send home.

 

Once in basic training, Piper finds herself caught between a rivalry of two instructors. TARGEN, one of her main instructors, is cold and calculating as he tests his boundaries on pushing the cadets (The way this is written now makes it seem like Targen is a fledgling instructor "testing his boundaries", as in how far he can go with being a dick to new cadets because he's knew to the position. Re-word this something like, "Targen, one of her main instructors, is bent on pushing both her and her fellow cadets to their limits by any means necessary. And JAKE, the handsome ‘boy scout’ (use an actual descriptor, not a stand in.) instructor that always follows the rules. Piper falls immediately for Jake’s deep blue eyes and infectious smile and their forbidden chemistry (So far you've only said Piper falls for Jake, if you're going to follow that with "their forbidden chemistry", I would add a line about her adoration being requited, else it leaves the reader to assume, which in a synopsis is not useful) gives something for Targen to prey on (target sounds too similar to Targen, reads weird).

 

Also (Bad way to start this sentence, not a good transition. Makes it seem like I'm reading a list of after thoughts.) During training, she learns about the Resistance, an underground group whose members claim the government is controlling its citizens by holding back repairs and communication (Repairs to what, I can assume the world, but describe that. Communication with who?).

 

Piper and her friends prepare to fight against these rebels (The former sentence makes it seem like she just happens on the knowledge of the rebels, not that she's instructed about them by the gov't. Make that very clear in the former sentence.) as they get close to graduating. Meanwhile, Targen grows physically abusive to the cadets. But with his word against theirs and a clear favorite of GENERAL HOWELL’s, Targen walks away with an ineffective warning.

 

Just a week before finishing, Targen challenges Piper to a fight. Even at twice her size, she refuses to back down and ends up in the infirmary. Jake nurses her back to health and their feelings grow ever/even stronger for each other. (Makes it seem like it's only NOW that they're liking each other. Consider adding one of the intensifier's I placed.)

 

Piper and her friends finally graduate from basic and Piper earns one on of the top positions as a pilot. Jake and some other instructors (Unnecessary info) take's the group (The whole graduating class?) out to a party to celebrate, capping off the revelry by revealing that he is actually a spy for the Resistance; the group that Piper was preparing to fight against. He also tells her that her own father is one of the founding members and that they are preparing to fight against the government. For the government is controlled by the Others, who never left and hide among the citizens in order to control them from within. The only thing that sets an Other apart from other humans are their black irises, a trait they easily conceal with simple contact lenses. To make matters worse, Targen is himself an Other. After considering everything Jake has revealed to them, Piper and her friends chose to cast aside their government and join the Resistance, serving the rebel group as spies in the military.

 

When one of the instructors goes missing, Piper and one of her friends find him/her and Targen in an abandoned home on the base. Targen has already killed the instructor and threatens Piper’s life if she doesn't reveal the identities of the other spies. Her friend gives him what he wants but Piper attacks Targen. During the fight, Targen kills Piper's friend, and is in turn killed by Piper. When Piper escapes and explains what happened, Jake and another instructor gather everyone to run, knowing they are no longer safe there. As they attempt to escape the base, General Howell comes after them and an intense fight ensuesOut-numbered, Piper and her friends steal the airplane they had trained on and make a daring escape. Piper heads towards her home, hoping that her father will provide her the answers to the questions that have all but overtaken her.

 

 

Though she and her friends mourn the loss of their fallen comrades, they know the war is far from over. They join the Resistance in their underground base, and help build the rebel group. With them, Piper will continue to fight for her freedom from the Others’ control.  



#12 VSChapman

VSChapman

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Posted 14 March 2018 - 09:25 PM

 

Ten years ago, unknown ‘OTHERS’ attacked Earth without warning. After three days of war, they retreated, leaving behind a devastated and broken world as they vanished into the skies. Questions loomed of who they really were, where they came from and if they’d ever be back. 

 

Now, seventeen-year-old PIPER, a naïve but hardworking girl, lives with her brother and father in a small town in Georgia. She spends her days hunting, farming and scavenging to help rebuild her town and get life back to the way it once was. During weekends, when she’s not with friends she takes her dad’s old plane to The Market to trade goods. (The structure of this sentence doesn't read well. I know you're trying to display her as a "normal" girl, but either remove the 'not with friends' part, or re-form this sentence. It doesn't transfer smoothly from the preceding sentence either.)

 

One morning, the military shows up unannounced at her school and drafts everyone seventeen and older. Piper and her friends leave to serve in what’s left of the military, despite resistance from the town. Piper worries about leaving her family behind, especially since her father’s health is rapidly declining, but she pushes her feelings aside in hopes of making enough money to send home.

 

Once in basic training, Piper finds herself caught between a rivalry of two instructors. TARGEN, one of her main instructors, is cold and calculating as he tests his boundaries on pushing the cadets (The way this is written now makes it seem like Targen is a fledgling instructor "testing his boundaries", as in how far he can go with being a dick to new cadets because he's knew to the position. Re-word this something like, "Targen, one of her main instructors, is bent on pushing both her and her fellow cadets to their limits by any means necessary. And JAKE, the handsome ‘boy scout’ (use an actual descriptor, not a stand in.) instructor that always follows the rules. Piper falls immediately for Jake’s deep blue eyes and infectious smile and their forbidden chemistry (So far you've only said Piper falls for Jake, if you're going to follow that with "their forbidden chemistry", I would add a line about her adoration being requited, else it leaves the reader to assume, which in a synopsis is not useful) gives something for Targen to prey on (target sounds too similar to Targen, reads weird).

 

Also (Bad way to start this sentence, not a good transition. Makes it seem like I'm reading a list of after thoughts.) During training, she learns about the Resistance, an underground group whose members claim the government is controlling its citizens by holding back repairs and communication (Repairs to what, I can assume the world, but describe that. Communication with who?).

 

Piper and her friends prepare to fight against these rebels (The former sentence makes it seem like she just happens on the knowledge of the rebels, not that she's instructed about them by the gov't. Make that very clear in the former sentence.) as they get close to graduating. Meanwhile, Targen grows physically abusive to the cadets. But with his word against theirs and a clear favorite of GENERAL HOWELL’s, Targen walks away with an ineffective warning.

 

Just a week before finishing, Targen challenges Piper to a fight. Even at twice her size, she refuses to back down and ends up in the infirmary. Jake nurses her back to health and their feelings grow ever/even stronger for each other. (Makes it seem like it's only NOW that they're liking each other. Consider adding one of the intensifier's I placed.)

 

Piper and her friends finally graduate from basic and Piper earns one on of the top positions as a pilot. Jake and some other instructors (Unnecessary info) take's the group (The whole graduating class?) out to a party to celebrate, capping off the revelry by revealing that he is actually a spy for the Resistance; the group that Piper was preparing to fight against. He also tells her that her own father is one of the founding members and that they are preparing to fight against the government. For the government is controlled by the Others, who never left and hide among the citizens in order to control them from within. The only thing that sets an Other apart from other humans are their black irises, a trait they easily conceal with simple contact lenses. To make matters worse, Targen is himself an Other. After considering everything Jake has revealed to them, Piper and her friends chose to cast aside their government and join the Resistance, serving the rebel group as spies in the military.

 

When one of the instructors goes missing, Piper and one of her friends find him/her and Targen in an abandoned home on the base. Targen has already killed the instructor and threatens Piper’s life if she doesn't reveal the identities of the other spies. Her friend gives him what he wants but Piper attacks Targen. During the fight, Targen kills Piper's friend, and is in turn killed by Piper. When Piper escapes and explains what happened, Jake and another instructor gather everyone to run, knowing they are no longer safe there. As they attempt to escape the base, General Howell comes after them and an intense fight ensuesOut-numbered, Piper and her friends steal the airplane they had trained on and make a daring escape. Piper heads towards her home, hoping that her father will provide her the answers to the questions that have all but overtaken her.

 

 

Though she and her friends mourn the loss of their fallen comrades, they know the war is far from over. They join the Resistance in their underground base, and help build the rebel group. With them, Piper will continue to fight for her freedom from the Others’ control.  

 

Wayfarer, you gave me some REALLY awesome corrections! Thank you! It's amazing what a fresh pair of eyes can do. I wish I could have done the same for yours but I don't think yours needed it. Honestly, there were no sentences to fix so that's a good thing. ;)  I fixed the synopsis and used 99.9% of what you did. (some stuff I couldn't because of the story.) So this definitely helped!

 

 




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