Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo
- - - - -

THE CITY'S WHISPERS-paranormal YA romance. HELP!

Fiction Commercial Fiction

  • Please log in to reply
29 replies to this topic

#1 yawriter

yawriter

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 23 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS West Coast

Posted 05 February 2018 - 10:26 PM

Thank you to everyone who helped morph my query! 


Eighteen-year-old Faye Hex desires nothing more than to know her real parents. Unfortunately, she will have to search more than just Earth. Born with the ability to travel to the dangerous city of Nasper in an alternate realm, she has an inkling to start there.

 

Faye’s ability to do so is tied to the presence of another orphan--Troy Tucker, who is the single ray of light in her dark world. Only when in close proximity are the two able to travel to Nasper together. While their bodies lie unconscious on Earth, their souls are free to wander the abandoned city.

 

However, abandoned does not mean lifeless. After a near-death encounter with a vicious black banshee, Troy expresses reservations and suggests letting Nasper go. Faye, however, sees the situation through a different lens. Exploring the city for clues of her parents’ whereabouts is worth the risk.

 

Faye’s desperation evolves into an uncontainable recklessness when she learns that they are the last two descendants of Nasper. If they die, it dies. Troy puts distance between them to ensure Faye stays away from the dangers of the city. Devastated in his absence, she cannot connect with Nasper. For months she refocuses her energy on locating her best friend. But, it may be too late. Troy returns, but not as himself.


Edited by yawriter, 13 February 2018 - 10:55 PM.


#2 bluejunemoon

bluejunemoon

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 8 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 05 February 2018 - 11:29 PM

Hello! I would love some impartial advice on the status of my query. So far so good? What's working? What's not? Thank you in advance!!!

 

 

Silence has a sound. It happens when chaos becomes frightfully still and all to be heard is a pulsating sonic-pitched ring. This is what Faye Hex is taunted with just seconds after making a life-and-death decision in the paranormal and romantic young adult novel THE CITY’S WHISPERS.

 

As a young orphan, Faye Hex is targeted by cruel bullies at the Hillbrooks Orphanage. Her one ray of light, an older boy devoted to keeping her safe, is Troy Tucker. The two bond over their unique ability to visit Nasper, an abandoned city where malevolent Black Banshees lurk. In a cruel twist of fate, Faye is left devastated when both Troy and her ability to visit the city are ripped away.

 

Faye spends seven lonely years trying to survive without her best friend. Now, at age eighteen with nowhere to go, she takes on a job at the orphanage. To several young orphans, she becomes all that she never had: a housekeeper, a tutor, a cook and a mother.

 

When a terrible fire consumes the orphanage, Faye prepares to take on life alone. However, in the midst of a world darkened by pandemonium and dread, her ray of light finds his way back to her. With Troy by her side, a desperate need to uncover all of the Nasper’s secrets sparks deep within her. Questions assail, but Troy is keeping the answers locked tightly behind his teeth in order to protect her from its evil underbelly. Between the Black Banshees who are fixated on wanting vicious retribution and abusive adoptive parents, Faye wants nothing more than to fight as a team for their survival. But, how long can Troy withhold the truth when the powerful couple begin to witness both worlds collide?

 

THE CITY’S WHISPERS is a paranormal young adult novel, complete at 94,500 words. With your interest in suspenseful young adult romances with strong voices, I know you and your agency will be passionate about representing this project. Its sequel is well underway! This project is a seamless blend of the dark, twisted tone in Frostblood and the tender, yet raw passion found in Haven by Mary Lindsey. Per your submission guidelines, the first ten pages have been double spaced and pasted below. Upon your request, I will be more than happy to provide you with more sample chapters or the completed manuscript.

 

I am a young adult writer from the Bay Area who believes in the power and magic of unpredictable storytelling. I am a fourth grade teacher by day and a YA fiction writer by night. Aside from writing, I like to spend my time knitting, drawing, taking photographs, and discovering new romantic stories. I greatly appreciate your time and consideration.

 

Very much appreciated,

Nicolette Christiansen

Hi yawriter! As I read your query, I'm making notes on each paragraph. 

 

1. The first two sentences are beautiful and intriguing, but they don't shed any light on what your story is about. I think you could combine what you have there into the current third sentence, and make a stronger hook. For example (this is just an idea): "Faye Hex is taunted with the sound of silence..." You don't need to mention your novel's title or genre in the opening paragraph. Most writers put that at the end, along with your bio. That being said, your title is quite intriguing. 

 

2. You have a lot of passive voice. "Faye is taunted by... Faye is targeted by bullies..." Your writing will engage the reader more if you use the active voice, so it seems that Faye is doing these things, not simply letting them happen to her. What's more, the first two sentences here read like backstory. Why are Faye and Troy the only two who can visit the city? Why would they want to go there, if the Black Banshees are so malevolent? If Troy's death/disappearance is the inciting event in your story, I would start with that. Show how devastated she is at his loss. 

 

3. Oh, so that all happened in the past and now she's working at the orphanage where she grew up. I like the backstory you've given her - it shows a well-developed, complex character, but I think you could work in the fact that she works here in a different way. Typically, you can't fit four summary paragraphs in a query letter. 

 

4. So the orphanage burns down? What happens to the orphans? Can she save any of them? Do they die? I don't understand how Troy relates to the orphanage plot. The "questions assail..." sentence confused me. What has the evil underbelly? Against whom do the Black Banshees want retribution? About what exactly does Troy hold the truth? What are the two worlds you mention? I know it's tough, but I'd try making these more specific without giving away the whole plot. 

 

5. I'd avoid saying that you're certain any agency will be passionate about a project, or that you're working on a sequel. I admit that I'm not familiar with this genre, so I can't say if your story reminds me of the books you've chosen for comp titles. You also don't need to say that you've followed the submission guidelines; agents will assume you've followed their directions. In fact, I think you could get rid of this entire paragraph. 

 

6. Bio: I like the first sentence in your bio. I don't think you need to mention your occupation or other interests. 

 

Sorry if any of that came off as harsh! I can tell that you're passionate about this story. I've found writing the query to be more difficult than writing the novel. Don't give up! Clarify the main parts of your story here, and the reader will be more likely to want to read more of your story. 

 

I hope that helped! :) 



#3 Springfield

Springfield

    Find me at properediting.com

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 944 posts
  • Literary Status:published
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 05 February 2018 - 11:51 PM

Hello! I would love some impartial advice on the status of my query. So far so good? What's working? What's not? Thank you in advance!!!

 

 

Silence has a sound. It happens when chaos becomes frightfully still and all to be heard is a pulsating sonic-pitched ring. This is what Faye Hex is taunted with just seconds after making a life-and-death decision in the paranormal and romantic young adult novel THE CITY’S WHISPERS.

 

As a young orphan, Faye Hex is targeted by cruel bullies at the Hillbrooks Orphanage. Her one ray of light, an older boy devoted to keeping her safe, is Troy Tucker. The two bond over their unique ability to visit Nasper, an abandoned city where malevolent Black Banshees lurk. Why do they have a unique ability to visit a city? Do they have the only working copy of Waze? Also, why do they want to go to an abandoned city with banshees?  In a cruel twist of fate, Faye is left devastated when both Troy and her ability to visit the city are ripped away. By....?

 

Faye spends seven lonely years trying to survive without her best friend. Now, at age eighteen with nowhere to go, she takes on a job at the orphanage. To several young orphans, she becomes all that she never had: a housekeeper, a tutor, a cook and a mother.

 

When a terrible fire consumes the orphanage, Faye prepares to take on life alone. This seems to skip things. However, in the midst of a world darkened by pandemonium and dread, her ray of light finds his way back to her. With Troy by her side, a desperate need to uncover all of the Nasper’s secrets What secrets? sparks deep within her. Questions assail, but Troy is keeping the answers locked tightly behind his teeth in order to protect her from its evil underbelly. Between the Black Banshees who are fixated on wanting vicious retribution and abusive adoptive parents, Faye wants nothing more than to fight as a team for their survival. But, how long can Troy withhold the truth when the powerful couple begin to witness both worlds collide? All of this seems to come out of nowhere and isn't really connected to the rest of the query, which reads like a romance. 

 

THE CITY’S WHISPERS is a paranormal young adult novel, complete at 94,500 words. With your interest in suspenseful young adult romances with strong voices, I know you and your agency will be passionate about representing this project. Its sequel is well underway! This project is a seamless blend of the dark, twisted tone in Frostblood and the tender, yet raw passion found in Haven by Mary Lindsey. Per your submission guidelines, the first ten pages have been double spaced and pasted below. Upon your request, I will be more than happy to provide you with more sample chapters or the completed manuscript. Just the plain comps.

 

I am a young adult writer from the Bay Area who believes in the power and magic of unpredictable storytelling. I am a fourth grade teacher by day and a YA fiction writer by night. Aside from writing, I like to spend my time knitting, drawing, taking photographs, and discovering new romantic stories. I greatly appreciate your time and consideration.

 

Very much appreciated,

Nicolette Christiansen

 

This feels muddy -- I don't know what her problem is besides 'secrets' that are never defined. She has several problems in the first paragraphs, but they keep getting solved. 



#4 Danelle Chase

Danelle Chase

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 6 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northwest

Posted 06 February 2018 - 08:36 AM

Dude. Kudos on the title. That INSTANTLY got me hooked to see what this was about.

 

I think your first two paragraphs are solid as hell. When I started to drift was about here:

 

 

Faye spends seven lonely years trying to survive without her best friend. Now, at age eighteen with nowhere to go, she takes on a job at the orphanage. To several young orphans, she becomes all that she never had: a housekeeper, a tutor, a cook and a mother.

 

It fills like a filler. You've instantly got me hooked with her abilities and her friend, so keep track with that. Lead back to say that somewhere around age 18, Troy comes back to her. You might have to reveal how and why there. I know you might want to keep the cards close to the chest, but try a query where you show that "big reveal" to the agent. 

 

Keep your first two paragraphs, but work on the rest with some of the suggestions people have commented before me. You've got a great grasp on what your story is about; we just need you to tell us. :)

 

 



#5 Wayfarer

Wayfarer

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 178 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 06 February 2018 - 01:59 PM

I'll echoe Springfield, as usual.



#6 yawriter

yawriter

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 23 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS West Coast

Posted 06 February 2018 - 02:28 PM

Hi yawriter! As I read your query, I'm making notes on each paragraph. 

 

1. The first two sentences are beautiful and intriguing, but they don't shed any light on what your story is about. I think you could combine what you have there into the current third sentence, and make a stronger hook. For example (this is just an idea): "Faye Hex is taunted with the sound of silence..." You don't need to mention your novel's title or genre in the opening paragraph. Most writers put that at the end, along with your bio. That being said, your title is quite intriguing. 

 

2. You have a lot of passive voice. "Faye is taunted by... Faye is targeted by bullies..." Your writing will engage the reader more if you use the active voice, so it seems that Faye is doing these things, not simply letting them happen to her. What's more, the first two sentences here read like backstory. Why are Faye and Troy the only two who can visit the city? Why would they want to go there, if the Black Banshees are so malevolent? If Troy's death/disappearance is the inciting event in your story, I would start with that. Show how devastated she is at his loss. 

 

3. Oh, so that all happened in the past and now she's working at the orphanage where she grew up. I like the backstory you've given her - it shows a well-developed, complex character, but I think you could work in the fact that she works here in a different way. Typically, you can't fit four summary paragraphs in a query letter. 

 

4. So the orphanage burns down? What happens to the orphans? Can she save any of them? Do they die? I don't understand how Troy relates to the orphanage plot. The "questions assail..." sentence confused me. What has the evil underbelly? Against whom do the Black Banshees want retribution? About what exactly does Troy hold the truth? What are the two worlds you mention? I know it's tough, but I'd try making these more specific without giving away the whole plot. 

 

5. I'd avoid saying that you're certain any agency will be passionate about a project, or that you're working on a sequel. I admit that I'm not familiar with this genre, so I can't say if your story reminds me of the books you've chosen for comp titles. You also don't need to say that you've followed the submission guidelines; agents will assume you've followed their directions. In fact, I think you could get rid of this entire paragraph. 

 

6. Bio: I like the first sentence in your bio. I don't think you need to mention your occupation or other interests. 

 

Sorry if any of that came off as harsh! I can tell that you're passionate about this story. I've found writing the query to be more difficult than writing the novel. Don't give up! Clarify the main parts of your story here, and the reader will be more likely to want to read more of your story. 

 

I hope that helped!

Thank you for the help! I have added my edited query with the notes you gave me! I'd love to know what you think now. 


Dude. Kudos on the title. That INSTANTLY got me hooked to see what this was about.

 

I think your first two paragraphs are solid as hell. When I started to drift was about here:

 

 

Faye spends seven lonely years trying to survive without her best friend. Now, at age eighteen with nowhere to go, she takes on a job at the orphanage. To several young orphans, she becomes all that she never had: a housekeeper, a tutor, a cook and a mother.

 

It fills like a filler. You've instantly got me hooked with her abilities and her friend, so keep track with that. Lead back to say that somewhere around age 18, Troy comes back to her. You might have to reveal how and why there. I know you might want to keep the cards close to the chest, but try a query where you show that "big reveal" to the agent. 

 

Keep your first two paragraphs, but work on the rest with some of the suggestions people have commented before me. You've got a great grasp on what your story is about; we just need you to tell us. :)

Thank you the advice about the filler. I felt the same way! I have added my edited query and would love to know what you think now.


This feels muddy -- I don't know what her problem is besides 'secrets' that are never defined. She has several problems in the first paragraphs, but they keep getting solved. 

Thank you for the help! I agreed with you about adding in what the secrets are about the city. I hope it makes it more gripping. I have added my edited query with the notes you gave me! I'd love to know what you think now.



#7 Wayfarer

Wayfarer

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 178 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 06 February 2018 - 02:52 PM

Silence has a sound. It happens when chaos becomes frightfully still and all to be heard is a pulsating sonic-pitched ring (Ambiguous, confusing) This is what eighteen-year-old Faye Hex is taunted with just seconds after making a life-and-death decision where her life-long best friend Troy is concerned. (Concerned about what? I get your meaning, but the word doesn't fit. You've written three sentences now, and I don't know anything other than character names.)

 

As a young orphan, Faye Hex is the target of relentless bullying at the Hillbrooks Orphanage. Her one ray of light, an older boy devoted to keeping her safe, is Troy Tucker. Unbeknownst to them, the two have a unique ability to visit the abandoned city of Nasper in a different realm. Compelled to explore as much of the city as possible, they must taken caution of the malevolent Black Banshees that lurk in the depths of the surrounding forests. In a cruel twist of fate, Faye is left devastated when Troy is taken by adoptive parents who seem extremely left of center. Her heart along with her ability to visit Nasper are ripped away. (What? You jump from them being careful of Banshees to adoption, which ripped me from my immersion. Explain that "together, they can travel to the realm, but separate they cannot.)

 

Faye spends seven lonely years trying to survive without her best friend. When a terrible fire consumes the orphanage, Faye prepares to take on life alone. However, in the midst of a world darkened by pandemonium and dread, her ray of light finds his way back to her when Troy’s adoptive parents take her in. Her ability to connect with Nasper resurfaces only to find that the city has been dying over the years. (Wasn't it already abandoned? The image you painted so far was of this desolate, downtrodden place.) A spark of desperation to revitalize Nasper causes Troy to withhold information about the city and the origins of her long lost family that he had uncovered over the last seven years. (Cut this sentence down, too large, too much information.) Faye finds herself caught between trying to survive abusive parents, (What? You didn't mention this before. Odd to mention it now) the Black Banshees who are fixated on wanting vicious retribution, (Why exactly?) and pushing Troy to reveal the secrets that are locked tightly behind his teeth in order to protect her from Nasper’s evil underbelly. (Huh) But, how long can he withhold the truth when the powerful couple begin to witness both worlds collide in the paranormal and romantic young adult novel THE CITY’S WHISPERS? (Don't ask rhetorical questions, make definitive statements.)

Pick either Nasper or adoption as the focus of the query. I recommend the former. You can blend the adoption into it with one or two sentences, but as of now the query is split half and half between the two, which dilutes the overall punch of the story.



#8 yawriter

yawriter

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 23 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS West Coast

Posted 06 February 2018 - 11:12 PM

Pick either Nasper or adoption as the focus of the query. I recommend the former. You can blend the adoption into it with one or two sentences, but as of now the query is split half and half between the two, which dilutes the overall punch of the story.

Thank you for your help! I took everything you said into consideration. Please let me know what you think now!



#9 Wayfarer

Wayfarer

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 178 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 07 February 2018 - 02:03 AM

Silence has a sound. It happens when chaos becomes frightfully still and all to be heard is a pulsating sonic-pitched ring. This is what eighteen-year-old Faye Hex is taunted with just seconds after making a life-and-death decision involving her lifelong best friend. (I still find this ambiguous, but perhaps change taunted to suffering or some other word that shows that the noise is a pain in the ass. Taunted is too small a word in this context to bite as hard as it does in other phrasings.)

 

As a young orphan, Faye Hex is the target of relentless bullying at the Hillbrooks Orphanage. Her one ray of light, an older boy devoted to keeping her safe, is Troy Tucker. Unbeknownst to them, the two have a unique ability to visit the soulless, yet flourishing city of Nasper in an alternate realm. Compelled to explore as much of the vibrant city as possible, they know quickly learn to proceed with extreme caution as to not disturb the malevolent Black Banshees that lurk in the surrounding forests. In a cruel twist of fate, Faye is left devastated when Troy is taken by adoptive parents who appear to be anything but loving. Without Troy by her side, Faye finds herself drowning in sorrow and unable to connect with Nasper. (Yea this is good. I can interpret it as either her loss of Troy severed the connection, or her overwhelming sorrow did. Even if the latter is wrong, it makes sense, and doesn't break immersion.)

 

Faye spends seven lonely years trying to survive without her best friend. When a terrible fire consumes the orphanage, Faye prepares to take on life alone. However, in the midst of a world darkened by pandemonium and dread, her ray of light finds his way back to her when Troy’s adoptive parents take her in. Her ability to connect with Nasper resurfaces only to find that the city has been dying (I still think this part about it dying is confusing since you've established that it's desolate. I understand your meaning, I think, but try to phrase this differently. "The city is falling to ruin" or something that places emphasis on the inanimate structures that compose it "dying" instead of leaving room for the reader to think you mean the "objects, culture, and people" are dying.) and overrun by Black Banshees over the years. (Actually, just remove the dying part. Just write that it's been overrun by the Banshees. That's more than enough conflict.)Troy knows why, but is afraid it might mean Faye’s demise. Locked tightly behind his teeth are the secrets that he has uncovered over the last seven years. The city is theirs. (Is this the secret?) If they die, Nasper dies. And so do the origins of their family.(Adoptive family? Are they brother and sister now or something? Confusing) Though Troy is willing to sacrifice Nasper to ensure Faye never comes face to face with a vicious Black Banshee, she sees the situation through a different lense. With a mix of unyielding desperation and uncontainable recklessness, Faye is blinded by the possibility of finding her parents and revitalizing Nasper. It is only a matter of time before Troy can no longer shield her from the ugly truth when the powerful couple begin to witness both worlds collide in the paranormal and romantic young adult novel THE CITY’S WHISPERS. (I would change this ending to not include the book title. It's sort of a fourth wall break from the story. Introduce the title once in the "Hi thank you for your time" starting paragraph.)

Reading better. Still a bit messy towards the end, but the fixes are simple enough I'd say. The intro is much smoother now. Looking forward to the next revision.



#10 Wayfarer

Wayfarer

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 178 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 07 February 2018 - 02:10 AM

Oh, forgot to mention this. I think you need to change your hook, because it doesn't come into play in the rest of your query at all. So either write something different for it, or blend it into the body of the query. Because as it is, it's just stand-alone and unnecessary.



#11 yawriter

yawriter

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 23 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS West Coast

Posted 07 February 2018 - 06:29 PM

Oh, forgot to mention this. I think you need to change your hook, because it doesn't come into play in the rest of your query at all. So either write something different for it, or blend it into the body of the query. Because as it is, it's just stand-alone and unnecessary.

Hey! I took what you said to heart. The beginning didn't really match the end. So I added the word reckless to the beginning and attached it to her emotional recklessness at the end of the query. Let me know what you think. Also, I had to cut back a lot because I was worried it was getting too long. It still is long. Any suggestions to shorten it? Thank you for your support!



#12 yawriter

yawriter

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 23 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS West Coast

Posted 08 February 2018 - 08:38 PM

Dude. Kudos on the title. That INSTANTLY got me hooked to see what this was about.

 

I think your first two paragraphs are solid as hell. When I started to drift was about here:

 

 

Faye spends seven lonely years trying to survive without her best friend. Now, at age eighteen with nowhere to go, she takes on a job at the orphanage. To several young orphans, she becomes all that she never had: a housekeeper, a tutor, a cook and a mother.

 

It fills like a filler. You've instantly got me hooked with her abilities and her friend, so keep track with that. Lead back to say that somewhere around age 18, Troy comes back to her. You might have to reveal how and why there. I know you might want to keep the cards close to the chest, but try a query where you show that "big reveal" to the agent. 

 

Keep your first two paragraphs, but work on the rest with some of the suggestions people have commented before me. You've got a great grasp on what your story is about; we just need you to tell us. :)

Hey! Thank you for the advice! With a lot of revision, I'd love to know what you think now. 



#13 rhwashere

rhwashere

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 111 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 09 February 2018 - 10:30 AM

Here’s a few thoughts.

Your first paragraph has nothing to do with the rest of the query, nor does it add to it in any way. I would cut it.

The next 2 paragraphs are backstory. You want to start your query in the present, with Faye’s number one problem.

As I see it, the thing she most cares about is finding her true parents. Lead with that as your hook, with something unexpected thrown in, like: “All orphan Faye ever wanted was to find her real parents. Unfortunately, they live on the other side of a magical what-have-you, in a city overrun by (descriptive word) monsters.”

From there, you can introduce Troy, a friend from childhood who can take her there. Then they find out about their link to the city, and so on. You don’t have to get into the fact that they used to visit the city as children, because it doesn’t pertain to the immediate problem.

I hope that helps! If you get a chance, feel free to check on my query in the signature.

Please feel free to critique my query: http://agentquerycon...eep-ya-fantasy/


#14 Wayfarer

Wayfarer

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 178 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 09 February 2018 - 03:49 PM

Echoing Rhwashere on his points.



#15 yawriter

yawriter

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 23 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS West Coast

Posted 09 February 2018 - 04:14 PM

Here’s a few thoughts.

Your first paragraph has nothing to do with the rest of the query, nor does it add to it in any way. I would cut it.

The next 2 paragraphs are backstory. You want to start your query in the present, with Faye’s number one problem.

As I see it, the thing she most cares about is finding her true parents. Lead with that as your hook, with something unexpected thrown in, like: “All orphan Faye ever wanted was to find her real parents. Unfortunately, they live on the other side of a magical what-have-you, in a city overrun by (descriptive word) monsters.”

From there, you can introduce Troy, a friend from childhood who can take her there. Then they find out about their link to the city, and so on. You don’t have to get into the fact that they used to visit the city as children, because it doesn’t pertain to the immediate problem.

I hope that helps! If you get a chance, feel free to check on my query in the signature.

Thank you for your feedback. I actually decided to take your advice because so many people expressed the same thing... Do you mind checking it out now? Your feedback was extremely helpful! Thank you! Would you like for me to check out your query?



#16 rhwashere

rhwashere

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 111 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 09 February 2018 - 10:39 PM

I’m always looking for fresh eyes on my query. ;)

I like this revision WAY better. It gives a clear impression of the story’s conflict, characters, and stakes. It’s got a strong opening paragraph (though you could play around with the second sentence to make it punchier). And the final paragraph is perfect.

The only issues I have now are minor and on the nitpicky side. And since I can’t seem to quote posts on the mobile version of this site, I’ll try to briefly enumerate them.

1. You don’t need Faye’s last name

2. I would find a stronger word than “hiding” in regard to Faye’s parents. Something more dramatic, like “trapped”.

3. I don’t particularly like the first sentence of paragraph 2. “A word darkened by dread” doesn’t mean anything to me. Is the whole world in dread, or is it just Faye? Also, you shouldn’t say “the same ability to travel to Nasper” if you haven’t previously mentioned anyone with said ability. And, again, you don’t need last names.

4. In the last paragraph, I would change “Troy is willing to sacrifice Nasper” and use another word besides sacrifice. It sounds destructive, as if Troy would destroy Nasper. Maybe try “give up Nasper”?

Well, so much for being brief. Anyway, I hope this helps! You can find the link to my query in my signature.

Please feel free to critique my query: http://agentquerycon...eep-ya-fantasy/


#17 yawriter

yawriter

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 23 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS West Coast

Posted 09 February 2018 - 11:35 PM

I’m always looking for fresh eyes on my query. ;)

I like this revision WAY better. It gives a clear impression of the story’s conflict, characters, and stakes. It’s got a strong opening paragraph (though you could play around with the second sentence to make it punchier). And the final paragraph is perfect.

The only issues I have now are minor and on the nitpicky side. And since I can’t seem to quote posts on the mobile version of this site, I’ll try to briefly enumerate them.

1. You don’t need Faye’s last name

2. I would find a stronger word than “hiding” in regard to Faye’s parents. Something more dramatic, like “trapped”.

3. I don’t particularly like the first sentence of paragraph 2. “A word darkened by dread” doesn’t mean anything to me. Is the whole world in dread, or is it just Faye? Also, you shouldn’t say “the same ability to travel to Nasper” if you haven’t previously mentioned anyone with said ability. And, again, you don’t need last names.

4. In the last paragraph, I would change “Troy is willing to sacrifice Nasper” and use another word besides sacrifice. It sounds destructive, as if Troy would destroy Nasper. Maybe try “give up Nasper”?

Well, so much for being brief. Anyway, I hope this helps! You can find the link to my query in my signature.

 

Thank you!!! I actually quite like last names in queries because it attaches me more to the character...personal preference. With the "sacrifice" ...if they give up nasper..nasper will die and thus being destroyed, but I may need to make that more apparent. I agree with the "a world darkened by" and the second sentence in the first paragraph... To be continued! I will look at yours ASAP!



#18 rhwashere

rhwashere

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 111 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 10 February 2018 - 02:22 AM

I think the latest revision is the best yet, though I found something else to complain about (sorry!).

The last two sentences should be more focused on what Faye is going to do. I don’t like “that Troy can’t contain” because it implies that it’s his duty to contain the little woman (might just be me, but that’s my gut reaction). And I want to know what Faye is willing to do that could result in both worlds colliding (and why that would be a bad thing).

Otherwise, it looks great! And thanks for taking the time to pop over to my old query.

Please feel free to critique my query: http://agentquerycon...eep-ya-fantasy/


#19 PureZhar3

PureZhar3

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 237 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Midwest

Posted 10 February 2018 - 12:46 PM

Thank you SO much for your help! Revised.

All eighteen-year-old Faye Hex desires is to meet the parents who placed her in an orphanage. Unfortunately, they could be trapped in the abandoned city of Nasper in an alternate realm. ​it seems as if this wouldn't be the only problem to finding her parents. Maybe try something like "But even if she knew who they were, they could be..."

In the midst of a darkened world shines one ray of light "​In the midst of a darkened world, one ray of light shines" sounds better to me--an older boy named Troy Tucker. ​This sentence doesn't connect him with Faye for me. I actually assumed you were going to move on to someone else's story. Maybe say "in the midst of Faye's dark world..."They quickly bond ​"have bonded" might be a better tense over their unique ability to travel to Nasper. ​How exactly do they travel there? Teleportation? Specifics on how they travel might be good, since it seems to be a magic property Each night the two are compelled to explore the city, doing their best to not attract vicious black banshees that lurk in the surrounding forest.

Troy discovers why only they have this ability. ​how? a transition of some kind (i.e. one night,) might be good They are the last two descendants of Nasper. If they die, it dies. And so does the possibility of finding their real families. Though Troy is willing to sacrifice Nasper to protect Faye from its dangers ​just now? how would he sacrifice it? by dying? It seems as if protecting her (keeping her alive) would mean keeping it alive?, she sees the situation through a different lens. Blinded by the need to find her parents and restore Nasper, Faye’s desperation evolves into a recklessness that even Troy cannot contain. It is only a matter of time before the powerful couple begin to witness both worlds collide. ​Not a fan of this closing sentence at all. It's vague, stakeless, and mildly cliché.

This is doing well - it started off really strong! But then, you started to lose me. Not enough was explained - there wasn't a logical progression that my brain could follow. There were holes that were distracting. I noted all of them above. It simply didn't culminate well for me. Good luck!


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#20 yawriter

yawriter

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 23 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS West Coast

Posted 10 February 2018 - 02:26 PM

This is doing well - it started off really strong! But then, you started to lose me. Not enough was explained - there wasn't a logical progression that my brain could follow. There were holes that were distracting. I noted all of them above. It simply didn't culminate well for me. Good luck!

 

Thank you for the push to change things. I agree with explaining a little more about how they can travel and I think it add substance to my new revision. Let me know what you think! I will be viewing your query if you've posted one. Thank you!!







Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: Fiction, Commercial Fiction

0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users