Thank you SO much for your help! Revised.
All eighteen-year-old Faye Hex desires is to meet
the parents who placed her in an orphanage(could you shorten this to simply "biological parents"?). Unfortunately, even if she knew who they were, they could be trapped in the dangerous city of Nasper in an alternate realm. (I like this, but...how could she know where they are, if she doesn't even know who they are?)
In the midst of Faye’s
darkened(lonely?) world (this reads as vague, simply being in an orphanage doesn't necessarily a darkened world, IMO) shines one ray of light--Troy Tucker, an older boy devoted to keeping her safe. Only when they are in close proximity are the two able to activate their unique ability and travel to Nasper together. While her body lies lifeless on Earth, her soul is free to travel to the realm that holds the secrets to her past. After a deadly encounter with a vicious black banshee, Faye notices Troy’s resistance to return.
Faye’s desperation evolves into an uncontainable recklessness (can you give an example of her reckless behavior?) when she learns that they are the last two descendants of Nasper (so they are the only two people in the city? I guess I'm not understanding how one could be a descendant of a city, though I'm sure you explain this more in your MS). If they die, it dies. And so does the possibility of finding their real families (Troy is an orphan, too? If so, this should have been mentioned earlier). Though Troy expresses that he is willing to leave Nasper behind to ensure Faye’s safety, she sees the situation through a different lens. Blinded by Faye’s need to find her parents and restore Nasper causes the powerful couple to witness both worlds collide. (Why was Troy resistant to return? This last sentence confused me a little bit. Are Troy and Faye after the same thing? I'm not understanding Troy's role in all this)
Hi, fresh eyes here :) I didn't get a chance to go through the other critters' post and your previous versions thoroughly, so I'm just giving my thoughts on this particular version. I'm no expert, still learning the query-writing process myself, so take from this what you will. While it sounds like an interesting concept, there's some vagueness, and I think some more detail and specific examples could pack some more punch into your QL (I had the same issue with my own query). Hope this helped, even a little bit!