Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo
- - - - -

THE CITY'S WHISPERS-paranormal YA romance. HELP!

Fiction Commercial Fiction

  • Please log in to reply
29 replies to this topic

#21 galian84

galian84

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 48 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 10 February 2018 - 03:10 PM

Thank you SO much for your help! Revised.
 

All eighteen-year-old Faye Hex desires is to meet the parents who placed her in an orphanage (could you shorten this to simply "biological parents"?). Unfortunately, even if she knew who they were, they could be trapped in the dangerous city of Nasper in an alternate realm. (I like this, but...how could she know where they are, if she doesn't even know who they are?)

 

In the midst of Faye’s darkened (lonely?) world (this reads as vague, simply being in an orphanage doesn't necessarily a darkened world, IMO) shines one ray of light--Troy Tucker, an older boy devoted to keeping her safe. Only when they are in close proximity are the two able to activate their unique ability and travel to Nasper together. While her body lies lifeless on Earth, her soul is free to travel to the realm that holds the secrets to her past. After a deadly encounter with a vicious black banshee, Faye notices Troy’s resistance to return.

 

Faye’s desperation evolves into an uncontainable recklessness (can you give an example of her reckless behavior?) when she learns that they are the last two descendants of Nasper (so they are the only two people in the city? I guess I'm not understanding how one could be a descendant of a city, though I'm sure you explain this more in your MS). If they die, it dies. And so does the possibility of finding their real families (Troy is an orphan, too? If so, this should have been mentioned earlier). Though Troy expresses that he is willing to leave Nasper behind to ensure Faye’s safety, she sees the situation through a different lens. Blinded by Faye’s need to find her parents and restore Nasper causes the powerful couple to witness both worlds collide. (Why was Troy resistant to return? This last sentence confused me a little bit. Are Troy and Faye after the same thing? I'm not understanding Troy's role in all this)

Hi, fresh eyes here :) I didn't get a chance to go through the other critters' post and your previous versions thoroughly, so I'm just giving my thoughts on this particular version. I'm no expert, still learning the query-writing process myself, so take from this what you will. While it sounds like an interesting concept, there's some vagueness, and I think some more detail and specific examples could pack some more punch into your QL (I had the same issue with my own query). Hope this helped, even a little bit!



#22 PureZhar3

PureZhar3

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 237 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Midwest

Posted 10 February 2018 - 03:30 PM

Thank you SO much for your help! Revised.
 

All eighteen-year-old Faye Hex desires is to meet the parents who placed her in an orphanage. Unfortunately, even if she knew who they were, they could be trapped in the dangerous city of Nasper in an alternate realm. ​Now, this is minor, but you later say that if Nasper goes away, so does the possibility of finding their real families. Does she know her family is trapped there? Because the stakes could be greatly heightened if you say "they are​ (or probably are) trapped in Nasper, a dangerous city in an alternate realm" rather than what you currently have. Also, if you can give another adj besides "dangerous" that'd be great. Dangerous is just too vague to tell me anything

In the midst of Faye’s darkened ​I think "darkened" clutters up the sentence too much (that could be me) world shines one ray of light--Troy Tucker, an older boy devoted to keeping her safe. Only when they are in close proximity are the two able to activate their unique ability and travel ​again, specifics on the travel would be great to Nasper together. While her body lies lifeless ​unconscious? or is she actually dead when they visit Nasper? on Earth, her soul is free to travel to the realm that holds the secrets to her past ​I assume you mean who her parents are - say that. The more specific, the better. After a deadly ​near-deadly? deadly sounds as if someone died encounter with a vicious black banshee, Faye notices Troy’s resistance to return.

 

Faye’s desperation ​to return? to find her family? Maybe add a sentence after the whole Troy-is-resistant-to-returning that shows that Faye greatly desires to keep going back evolves into an uncontainable recklessness when she learns that they are the last two descendants of Nasper. If they die, it dies. And so does the possibility of finding their real families. ​much clearer :) Though Troy expresses that he is willing to leave Nasper behind to ensure Faye’s safety ​this closely mirrors earlier when you said he was devoted to keeping her safe. Can you alter up the wording so that it doesn't feel like a repetitive concept, she sees the situation through a different lens. Blinded by Faye’s need to find her parents and restore Nasper causes the powerful couple to witness both worlds collide. ​This last sentence doesn't even make sense anymore (I'm sure that's an accident, of course). Can you give us a hint of what will happen when the worlds collide? Also, maybe cut the "powerful" before couple. You haven't shown us anything that makes me think "wow, power!". I get the sense that they're strong together, but when you say outright that they're powerful, it turns me off from envisioning them as powerful and makes me question how much power they actually have and what makes them powerful. You see?

It may seem like I had even more comments than before, but never fear. They're more mild and nitpicky. Plot-wise, I completely understand what is going on now. Wording-wise, I had some issues with the way that it read. It'd be great if you could give a bit more of a hint of Troy's personality beyond wanting to keep Faye safe. I would suggest this: when you first introduce him, describe him in some other way than devoted to keeping Faye safe. That would deepen his character development and make him feel less one-dimensional. But this is definitely highly improved. Good job on the editing!


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#23 yawriter

yawriter

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 23 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS West Coast

Posted 10 February 2018 - 05:12 PM

It may seem like I had even more comments than before, but never fear. They're more mild and nitpicky. Plot-wise, I completely understand what is going on now. Wording-wise, I had some issues with the way that it read. It'd be great if you could give a bit more of a hint of Troy's personality beyond wanting to keep Faye safe. I would suggest this: when you first introduce him, describe him in some other way than devoted to keeping Faye safe. That would deepen his character development and make him feel less one-dimensional. But this is definitely highly improved. Good job on the editing!

 

I took your advice on a few parts. I think I found a more impactful ending and beginning! Let me know what you think! THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP!


Hi, fresh eyes here :) I didn't get a chance to go through the other critters' post and your previous versions thoroughly, so I'm just giving my thoughts on this particular version. I'm no expert, still learning the query-writing process myself, so take from this what you will. While it sounds like an interesting concept, there's some vagueness, and I think some more detail and specific examples could pack some more punch into your QL (I had the same issue with my own query). Hope this helped, even a little bit!

Hi! Thank you for the fresh eyes, I no longer see my own writing that way and tend to leave out important details. I took your advice on a few parts. Let me know what you think now! THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME! =]



#24 PureZhar3

PureZhar3

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 237 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Midwest

Posted 10 February 2018 - 07:35 PM

Thank you SO much for your help! Revised.

All eighteen-year-old Faye Hex desires is to know her real ​this may just be me, but I prefer "biological". Your precise meaning in "real" (especially because you start talking about alternate realms) could prove confusing parents. Unfortunately, she would have to search two worlds--Earth and the dangerous city of Nasper in an alternate realm ​since Nasper is a city, rather than a world, it doesn't flow well to say she would have to search two worlds. But I like what you're trying to do, which holds clues to her parents’ whereabouts. This could probably be taken out

Stuck in an orphanage, Faye’s world is darkened by this impossible task. One ray of light penetrates that darkness. Shining brightly ​ Rewrite this. It's too many words for too little info. You could just say "Stuck in an orphanage, Faye's dark world is penetrated only by Troy Tucker" or something such is Troy Tucker, an older boy devoted to keeping her safe. Only when in close proximity are the two able to activate their unique ability and travel to Nasper together. ​Again, it would better the query to specify how they travel, if it's easy to do so While her body lies unconscious on Earth, her soul is free to travel to the abandoned city. ​Maybe change this to concern both of them - while THEIR bodies lie... THEIR soulS...

Troy expresses reservations after realizing Nasper is riddled with vicious black banshees ​This makes me wonder if they just visited Nasper for the first time. (Did they? Because I was under the impression that this was a regular thing). If not, I think it worked better with you talking about the near-death incident making Troy hesitant to return. Faye, however, sees the situation through a different lens. Exploring the city ​for evidence of her parents? (might help to tie it back to her main goal) is worth the risk.

Faye’s desperation evolves into an uncontainable recklessness when she learns that they are the last two descendants of Nasper. If they die, it dies. And so does the possibility of finding their real families. The only way to stop Faye from exploring the city alone is for Troy to put as much distance between them as possible. Both worlds collide when they must make a choice between each other and saving Nasper. ​Yeah, this last sentence still isn't working for me. It simply doesn't feel as if Nasper itself is in danger. Maybe try to phrase it a different way... set it up as more of a choice?

Not as big a fan of this version - it got more wordy and didn't answer as many questions, in my opinion. I know you were trying to answer Galian's questions and take into account my questions which sometimes worked, sometimes didn't. I indicated what I thought wasn't working this time around.


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#25 galian84

galian84

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 48 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 10 February 2018 - 11:04 PM

I took your advice on a few parts. I think I found a more impactful ending and beginning! Let me know what you think! THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP!


Hi! Thank you for the fresh eyes, I no longer see my own writing that way and tend to leave out important details. I took your advice on a few parts. Let me know what you think now! THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME! =]

Anytime! Glad I could be of some help! I completely understand what you mean about no longer seeing your own writing...I've been having that problem with my QL, myself. I think you have a cool story concept and look forward to reading your newest revision :)



#26 yawriter

yawriter

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 23 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS West Coast

Posted 11 February 2018 - 12:51 AM

Not as big a fan of this version - it got more wordy and didn't answer as many questions, in my opinion. I know you were trying to answer Galian's questions and take into account my questions which sometimes worked, sometimes didn't. I indicated what I thought wasn't working this time around.



Okay, I think I may have figured out a solid piece here:) some addresses what you’ve pointed out.

#27 PureZhar3

PureZhar3

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 237 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Midwest

Posted 11 February 2018 - 01:41 PM

Thank you SO much for your help! Revised.  I can no longer tell which flows better.  Help! In blue is the parts that differ.

All eighteen-year-old Faye Hex desires is to know her real parents. Unfortunately, she would have more than just Earth to search. With the ability to travel to the dangerous city of Nasper in an alternate realm, she has an inkling to start there.

Faye’s dark world has one ray of light. Shining brightly is Troy Tucker, an older boy with the same ability. Only when in close proximity are the two able to travel to Nasper together. While their bodies lie unconscious on Earth, their souls are free to travel to the abandoned city riddled with vicious black banshees.

After a near-death encounter with a black banshee, Troy expresses reservations. Faye, however, sees the situation through a different lens. Exploring the city for clues of her parents’ whereabouts is worth the risk.

Faye’s desperation evolves into an uncontainable recklessness when she learns that they are the last two descendants of Nasper. If they die, it dies. And so does the possibility of finding their real families. The only way to stop Faye from exploring the city alone is for Troy to put as much distance between them as possible. Time runs thin as they are forced to choose between each other and saving Nasper.

 

-OR-

 

All eighteen-year-old Faye Hex desires is to know her real parents. Unfortunately, she would have more than just Earth to search. With the ability to travel to the dangerous city of Nasper in an alternate realm, she has an inkling to start there. ​Not a fan of this "inkling" thing. Sorry I'm being so critical! However, it might make more sense to say something like "she has two places to search for clues."

 

Faye’s dark world has one ray of light. Shining brightly is Troy Tucker, an older boy with the same ability. Only when in close proximity are the two able to travel to Nasper together. While their bodies lie unconscious on Earth, their souls are free to travel to the abandoned city riddled with vicious black banshees.

 

Faye’s desperation evolves into an uncontainable recklessness when she learns that they are the last two descendants of Nasper. If they die, it dies. And so does the possibility of finding their real families.

 

After a near-death encounter with a black banshee, Troy expresses reservations ​at continuing to visit. Faye, however, sees the situation through a different lens. Exploring the city for clues of her parents’ whereabouts is worth the risk. The only way to stop Faye from exploring the city alone is for Troy to put as much distance between them as possible. Time runs thin as they are forced to choose between each other and saving Nasper.

 

​I think this second version flows better. I'm still not a fan of the last sentence; it doesn't grip me like it should. But that might just be me.


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#28 Wayfarer

Wayfarer

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 178 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 12 February 2018 - 11:20 PM

Eighteen-year-old Faye Hex desires nothing more than to know her real parents. Unfortunately, she will have to search more than just Earth. Born with the ability to travel to the dangerous city of Nasper in an alternate realm, she has an inkling to start there.

 

Yet her ability to do so is tied to the presence of another orphan: Troy Tucker, the single ray of light in her dark world. Only when in close proximity are the two able to travel to Nasper together. While their bodies lie unconscious on Earth, their souls are free to wander the abandoned city.

 

But abandoned does not mean lifeless, and after a near-death encounter with a black banshee, Troy expresses reservations and suggests letting Nasper go. Faye, however, sees the situation through a different lens. Exploring the city for clues of her parents’ whereabouts is worth the risk.

 

Faye’s desperation devolves into uncontainable recklessness when she learns that she and Troy are the last two descendants of Nasper. If they die, it dies. And so does the possibility of finding their real families. As Troy threatens to leave if Faye does not stop searching the city, time runs thin and they are forced to choose between each other and Nasper. (I'm confused with this part of the stakes. Do you mean by choosing each other, that Faye chooses to submit to Troy's will and they never travel to Nasper again? If she doesn't and Troy leaves, doesn't she lose Nasper anyway because he's not around? This needs clarification if I'm to make a suggestion on it.)



#29 yawriter

yawriter

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 23 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS West Coast

Posted 13 February 2018 - 08:47 PM

 

Eighteen-year-old Faye Hex desires nothing more than to know her real parents. Unfortunately, she will have to search more than just Earth. Born with the ability to travel to the dangerous city of Nasper in an alternate realm, she has an inkling to start there.

 

Yet her ability to do so is tied to the presence of another orphan: Troy Tucker, the single ray of light in her dark world. Only when in close proximity are the two able to travel to Nasper together. While their bodies lie unconscious on Earth, their souls are free to wander the abandoned city.

 

But abandoned does not mean lifeless, and after a near-death encounter with a black banshee, Troy expresses reservations and suggests letting Nasper go. Faye, however, sees the situation through a different lens. Exploring the city for clues of her parents’ whereabouts is worth the risk.

 

Faye’s desperation devolves into uncontainable recklessness when she learns that she and Troy are the last two descendants of Nasper. If they die, it dies. And so does the possibility of finding their real families. As Troy threatens to leave if Faye does not stop searching the city, time runs thin and they are forced to choose between each other and Nasper. (I'm confused with this part of the stakes. Do you mean by choosing each other, that Faye chooses to submit to Troy's will and they never travel to Nasper again? If she doesn't and Troy leaves, doesn't she lose Nasper anyway because he's not around? This needs clarification if I'm to make a suggestion on it.)

 

 

Totally agree on some of this! I rewrote it with your edits and changed the ending! Let me know what you think! 



#30 PureZhar3

PureZhar3

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 237 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Midwest

Posted 15 February 2018 - 05:51 PM

Thank you to everyone who helped morph my query! 


Eighteen-year-old Faye Hex desires nothing more than to know her real parents. Unfortunately, she will have to search more than just Earth. Born with the ability to travel to the dangerous city of Nasper in an alternate realm, she has an inkling to start there. ​this still isn't feeling as snappy/unique as it could

 

Faye’s ability to do so ​"to do so" should maybe be clarified, so that we aren't confused what it's referencing? is tied to the presence of another orphan--Troy Tucker, who is the single ray of light in her dark world. Only when in close proximity are the two able to travel to Nasper together. While their bodies lie unconscious on Earth, their souls are free to wander the abandoned city.

 

However, abandoned does not mean lifeless. After a near-death encounter with a vicious black banshee, Troy expresses reservations ​against returning... you need ​to state what he has reservations against and suggests letting Nasper go. Faye, however, sees the situation through a different lens. Exploring the city for clues of her parents’ whereabouts is worth the risk.

 

Faye’s desperation evolves into an uncontainable recklessness when she learns that they are the last two descendants of Nasper. If they die, it dies. Troy puts distance between them to ensure Faye stays away from the dangers of the city. Devastated in his absence, she cannot connect with Nasper. For months she refocuses her energy on locating her best friend. But, it may be too late. Troy returns, but not as himself. ​Intriguing! But give us a bit more to work with than just that he's not himself, so we can begin to imagine all the delicious consequences. And make sure it connects in some way back to Nasper, so that all the former doesn't feel like backstory/false stakes


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/






Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: Fiction, Commercial Fiction

0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users