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#21 galian84

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Posted 10 February 2018 - 03:10 PM

Thank you SO much for your help! Revised.
 

All eighteen-year-old Faye Hex desires is to meet the parents who placed her in an orphanage (could you shorten this to simply "biological parents"?). Unfortunately, even if she knew who they were, they could be trapped in the dangerous city of Nasper in an alternate realm. (I like this, but...how could she know where they are, if she doesn't even know who they are?)

 

In the midst of Faye’s darkened (lonely?) world (this reads as vague, simply being in an orphanage doesn't necessarily a darkened world, IMO) shines one ray of light--Troy Tucker, an older boy devoted to keeping her safe. Only when they are in close proximity are the two able to activate their unique ability and travel to Nasper together. While her body lies lifeless on Earth, her soul is free to travel to the realm that holds the secrets to her past. After a deadly encounter with a vicious black banshee, Faye notices Troy’s resistance to return.

 

Faye’s desperation evolves into an uncontainable recklessness (can you give an example of her reckless behavior?) when she learns that they are the last two descendants of Nasper (so they are the only two people in the city? I guess I'm not understanding how one could be a descendant of a city, though I'm sure you explain this more in your MS). If they die, it dies. And so does the possibility of finding their real families (Troy is an orphan, too? If so, this should have been mentioned earlier). Though Troy expresses that he is willing to leave Nasper behind to ensure Faye’s safety, she sees the situation through a different lens. Blinded by Faye’s need to find her parents and restore Nasper causes the powerful couple to witness both worlds collide. (Why was Troy resistant to return? This last sentence confused me a little bit. Are Troy and Faye after the same thing? I'm not understanding Troy's role in all this)

Hi, fresh eyes here :) I didn't get a chance to go through the other critters' post and your previous versions thoroughly, so I'm just giving my thoughts on this particular version. I'm no expert, still learning the query-writing process myself, so take from this what you will. While it sounds like an interesting concept, there's some vagueness, and I think some more detail and specific examples could pack some more punch into your QL (I had the same issue with my own query). Hope this helped, even a little bit!



#22 PureZhar3

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Posted 10 February 2018 - 03:30 PM

Thank you SO much for your help! Revised.
 

All eighteen-year-old Faye Hex desires is to meet the parents who placed her in an orphanage. Unfortunately, even if she knew who they were, they could be trapped in the dangerous city of Nasper in an alternate realm. ​Now, this is minor, but you later say that if Nasper goes away, so does the possibility of finding their real families. Does she know her family is trapped there? Because the stakes could be greatly heightened if you say "they are​ (or probably are) trapped in Nasper, a dangerous city in an alternate realm" rather than what you currently have. Also, if you can give another adj besides "dangerous" that'd be great. Dangerous is just too vague to tell me anything

In the midst of Faye’s darkened ​I think "darkened" clutters up the sentence too much (that could be me) world shines one ray of light--Troy Tucker, an older boy devoted to keeping her safe. Only when they are in close proximity are the two able to activate their unique ability and travel ​again, specifics on the travel would be great to Nasper together. While her body lies lifeless ​unconscious? or is she actually dead when they visit Nasper? on Earth, her soul is free to travel to the realm that holds the secrets to her past ​I assume you mean who her parents are - say that. The more specific, the better. After a deadly ​near-deadly? deadly sounds as if someone died encounter with a vicious black banshee, Faye notices Troy’s resistance to return.

 

Faye’s desperation ​to return? to find her family? Maybe add a sentence after the whole Troy-is-resistant-to-returning that shows that Faye greatly desires to keep going back evolves into an uncontainable recklessness when she learns that they are the last two descendants of Nasper. If they die, it dies. And so does the possibility of finding their real families. ​much clearer :) Though Troy expresses that he is willing to leave Nasper behind to ensure Faye’s safety ​this closely mirrors earlier when you said he was devoted to keeping her safe. Can you alter up the wording so that it doesn't feel like a repetitive concept, she sees the situation through a different lens. Blinded by Faye’s need to find her parents and restore Nasper causes the powerful couple to witness both worlds collide. ​This last sentence doesn't even make sense anymore (I'm sure that's an accident, of course). Can you give us a hint of what will happen when the worlds collide? Also, maybe cut the "powerful" before couple. You haven't shown us anything that makes me think "wow, power!". I get the sense that they're strong together, but when you say outright that they're powerful, it turns me off from envisioning them as powerful and makes me question how much power they actually have and what makes them powerful. You see?

It may seem like I had even more comments than before, but never fear. They're more mild and nitpicky. Plot-wise, I completely understand what is going on now. Wording-wise, I had some issues with the way that it read. It'd be great if you could give a bit more of a hint of Troy's personality beyond wanting to keep Faye safe. I would suggest this: when you first introduce him, describe him in some other way than devoted to keeping Faye safe. That would deepen his character development and make him feel less one-dimensional. But this is definitely highly improved. Good job on the editing!


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#23 yawriter

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Posted 10 February 2018 - 05:12 PM

It may seem like I had even more comments than before, but never fear. They're more mild and nitpicky. Plot-wise, I completely understand what is going on now. Wording-wise, I had some issues with the way that it read. It'd be great if you could give a bit more of a hint of Troy's personality beyond wanting to keep Faye safe. I would suggest this: when you first introduce him, describe him in some other way than devoted to keeping Faye safe. That would deepen his character development and make him feel less one-dimensional. But this is definitely highly improved. Good job on the editing!

 

I took your advice on a few parts. I think I found a more impactful ending and beginning! Let me know what you think! THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP!


Hi, fresh eyes here :) I didn't get a chance to go through the other critters' post and your previous versions thoroughly, so I'm just giving my thoughts on this particular version. I'm no expert, still learning the query-writing process myself, so take from this what you will. While it sounds like an interesting concept, there's some vagueness, and I think some more detail and specific examples could pack some more punch into your QL (I had the same issue with my own query). Hope this helped, even a little bit!

Hi! Thank you for the fresh eyes, I no longer see my own writing that way and tend to leave out important details. I took your advice on a few parts. Let me know what you think now! THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME! =]



#24 PureZhar3

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Posted 10 February 2018 - 07:35 PM

Thank you SO much for your help! Revised.

All eighteen-year-old Faye Hex desires is to know her real ​this may just be me, but I prefer "biological". Your precise meaning in "real" (especially because you start talking about alternate realms) could prove confusing parents. Unfortunately, she would have to search two worlds--Earth and the dangerous city of Nasper in an alternate realm ​since Nasper is a city, rather than a world, it doesn't flow well to say she would have to search two worlds. But I like what you're trying to do, which holds clues to her parents’ whereabouts. This could probably be taken out

Stuck in an orphanage, Faye’s world is darkened by this impossible task. One ray of light penetrates that darkness. Shining brightly ​ Rewrite this. It's too many words for too little info. You could just say "Stuck in an orphanage, Faye's dark world is penetrated only by Troy Tucker" or something such is Troy Tucker, an older boy devoted to keeping her safe. Only when in close proximity are the two able to activate their unique ability and travel to Nasper together. ​Again, it would better the query to specify how they travel, if it's easy to do so While her body lies unconscious on Earth, her soul is free to travel to the abandoned city. ​Maybe change this to concern both of them - while THEIR bodies lie... THEIR soulS...

Troy expresses reservations after realizing Nasper is riddled with vicious black banshees ​This makes me wonder if they just visited Nasper for the first time. (Did they? Because I was under the impression that this was a regular thing). If not, I think it worked better with you talking about the near-death incident making Troy hesitant to return. Faye, however, sees the situation through a different lens. Exploring the city ​for evidence of her parents? (might help to tie it back to her main goal) is worth the risk.

Faye’s desperation evolves into an uncontainable recklessness when she learns that they are the last two descendants of Nasper. If they die, it dies. And so does the possibility of finding their real families. The only way to stop Faye from exploring the city alone is for Troy to put as much distance between them as possible. Both worlds collide when they must make a choice between each other and saving Nasper. ​Yeah, this last sentence still isn't working for me. It simply doesn't feel as if Nasper itself is in danger. Maybe try to phrase it a different way... set it up as more of a choice?

Not as big a fan of this version - it got more wordy and didn't answer as many questions, in my opinion. I know you were trying to answer Galian's questions and take into account my questions which sometimes worked, sometimes didn't. I indicated what I thought wasn't working this time around.


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#25 galian84

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Posted 10 February 2018 - 11:04 PM

I took your advice on a few parts. I think I found a more impactful ending and beginning! Let me know what you think! THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP!


Hi! Thank you for the fresh eyes, I no longer see my own writing that way and tend to leave out important details. I took your advice on a few parts. Let me know what you think now! THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME! =]

Anytime! Glad I could be of some help! I completely understand what you mean about no longer seeing your own writing...I've been having that problem with my QL, myself. I think you have a cool story concept and look forward to reading your newest revision :)



#26 yawriter

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Posted 11 February 2018 - 12:51 AM

Not as big a fan of this version - it got more wordy and didn't answer as many questions, in my opinion. I know you were trying to answer Galian's questions and take into account my questions which sometimes worked, sometimes didn't. I indicated what I thought wasn't working this time around.



Okay, I think I may have figured out a solid piece here:) some addresses what you’ve pointed out.

#27 PureZhar3

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Posted 11 February 2018 - 01:41 PM

Thank you SO much for your help! Revised.  I can no longer tell which flows better.  Help! In blue is the parts that differ.

All eighteen-year-old Faye Hex desires is to know her real parents. Unfortunately, she would have more than just Earth to search. With the ability to travel to the dangerous city of Nasper in an alternate realm, she has an inkling to start there.

Faye’s dark world has one ray of light. Shining brightly is Troy Tucker, an older boy with the same ability. Only when in close proximity are the two able to travel to Nasper together. While their bodies lie unconscious on Earth, their souls are free to travel to the abandoned city riddled with vicious black banshees.

After a near-death encounter with a black banshee, Troy expresses reservations. Faye, however, sees the situation through a different lens. Exploring the city for clues of her parents’ whereabouts is worth the risk.

Faye’s desperation evolves into an uncontainable recklessness when she learns that they are the last two descendants of Nasper. If they die, it dies. And so does the possibility of finding their real families. The only way to stop Faye from exploring the city alone is for Troy to put as much distance between them as possible. Time runs thin as they are forced to choose between each other and saving Nasper.

 

-OR-

 

All eighteen-year-old Faye Hex desires is to know her real parents. Unfortunately, she would have more than just Earth to search. With the ability to travel to the dangerous city of Nasper in an alternate realm, she has an inkling to start there. ​Not a fan of this "inkling" thing. Sorry I'm being so critical! However, it might make more sense to say something like "she has two places to search for clues."

 

Faye’s dark world has one ray of light. Shining brightly is Troy Tucker, an older boy with the same ability. Only when in close proximity are the two able to travel to Nasper together. While their bodies lie unconscious on Earth, their souls are free to travel to the abandoned city riddled with vicious black banshees.

 

Faye’s desperation evolves into an uncontainable recklessness when she learns that they are the last two descendants of Nasper. If they die, it dies. And so does the possibility of finding their real families.

 

After a near-death encounter with a black banshee, Troy expresses reservations ​at continuing to visit. Faye, however, sees the situation through a different lens. Exploring the city for clues of her parents’ whereabouts is worth the risk. The only way to stop Faye from exploring the city alone is for Troy to put as much distance between them as possible. Time runs thin as they are forced to choose between each other and saving Nasper.

 

​I think this second version flows better. I'm still not a fan of the last sentence; it doesn't grip me like it should. But that might just be me.


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#28 Wayfarer

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Posted 12 February 2018 - 11:20 PM

Eighteen-year-old Faye Hex desires nothing more than to know her real parents. Unfortunately, she will have to search more than just Earth. Born with the ability to travel to the dangerous city of Nasper in an alternate realm, she has an inkling to start there.

 

Yet her ability to do so is tied to the presence of another orphan: Troy Tucker, the single ray of light in her dark world. Only when in close proximity are the two able to travel to Nasper together. While their bodies lie unconscious on Earth, their souls are free to wander the abandoned city.

 

But abandoned does not mean lifeless, and after a near-death encounter with a black banshee, Troy expresses reservations and suggests letting Nasper go. Faye, however, sees the situation through a different lens. Exploring the city for clues of her parents’ whereabouts is worth the risk.

 

Faye’s desperation devolves into uncontainable recklessness when she learns that she and Troy are the last two descendants of Nasper. If they die, it dies. And so does the possibility of finding their real families. As Troy threatens to leave if Faye does not stop searching the city, time runs thin and they are forced to choose between each other and Nasper. (I'm confused with this part of the stakes. Do you mean by choosing each other, that Faye chooses to submit to Troy's will and they never travel to Nasper again? If she doesn't and Troy leaves, doesn't she lose Nasper anyway because he's not around? This needs clarification if I'm to make a suggestion on it.)



#29 yawriter

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 08:47 PM

 

Eighteen-year-old Faye Hex desires nothing more than to know her real parents. Unfortunately, she will have to search more than just Earth. Born with the ability to travel to the dangerous city of Nasper in an alternate realm, she has an inkling to start there.

 

Yet her ability to do so is tied to the presence of another orphan: Troy Tucker, the single ray of light in her dark world. Only when in close proximity are the two able to travel to Nasper together. While their bodies lie unconscious on Earth, their souls are free to wander the abandoned city.

 

But abandoned does not mean lifeless, and after a near-death encounter with a black banshee, Troy expresses reservations and suggests letting Nasper go. Faye, however, sees the situation through a different lens. Exploring the city for clues of her parents’ whereabouts is worth the risk.

 

Faye’s desperation devolves into uncontainable recklessness when she learns that she and Troy are the last two descendants of Nasper. If they die, it dies. And so does the possibility of finding their real families. As Troy threatens to leave if Faye does not stop searching the city, time runs thin and they are forced to choose between each other and Nasper. (I'm confused with this part of the stakes. Do you mean by choosing each other, that Faye chooses to submit to Troy's will and they never travel to Nasper again? If she doesn't and Troy leaves, doesn't she lose Nasper anyway because he's not around? This needs clarification if I'm to make a suggestion on it.)

 

 

Totally agree on some of this! I rewrote it with your edits and changed the ending! Let me know what you think! 



#30 PureZhar3

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Posted 15 February 2018 - 05:51 PM

Thank you to everyone who helped morph my query! 


Eighteen-year-old Faye Hex desires nothing more than to know her real parents. Unfortunately, she will have to search more than just Earth. Born with the ability to travel to the dangerous city of Nasper in an alternate realm, she has an inkling to start there. ​this still isn't feeling as snappy/unique as it could

 

Faye’s ability to do so ​"to do so" should maybe be clarified, so that we aren't confused what it's referencing? is tied to the presence of another orphan--Troy Tucker, who is the single ray of light in her dark world. Only when in close proximity are the two able to travel to Nasper together. While their bodies lie unconscious on Earth, their souls are free to wander the abandoned city.

 

However, abandoned does not mean lifeless. After a near-death encounter with a vicious black banshee, Troy expresses reservations ​against returning... you need ​to state what he has reservations against and suggests letting Nasper go. Faye, however, sees the situation through a different lens. Exploring the city for clues of her parents’ whereabouts is worth the risk.

 

Faye’s desperation evolves into an uncontainable recklessness when she learns that they are the last two descendants of Nasper. If they die, it dies. Troy puts distance between them to ensure Faye stays away from the dangers of the city. Devastated in his absence, she cannot connect with Nasper. For months she refocuses her energy on locating her best friend. But, it may be too late. Troy returns, but not as himself. ​Intriguing! But give us a bit more to work with than just that he's not himself, so we can begin to imagine all the delicious consequences. And make sure it connects in some way back to Nasper, so that all the former doesn't feel like backstory/false stakes


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#31 tonyreynolds

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Posted 13 March 2018 - 05:15 PM

Any feedback will help!!

 

Synopsis: (Beginning to end)

 

Born with the ability to visit the dangerous city of Nasper in an alternate realm, eighteen-year-old Faye Hex believes it is where she will find her parents. What is your story center? Is it finding her parents or Nasper?This gift is tied to the presence of Troy Tucker, another orphan. Only when in close proximity are their souls free to wander the abandoned city.

 

However, abandoned does not mean lifeless. After a near-death encounter with a vicious black banshee, Troy begs her to stop the search for her parents. Unfortunately, Faye grows desperate after learning that Nasper is dying. And if the city dies, so do the clues about her family.

 

In order to contain Faye’s recklessness, Troy puts distance between them. Seems like an odd phrase to me, (walks away, abandons her, disappears?)Locating her best friend becomes priority. Above finding parents? But, it is too late. Troy returns, and not as himself. Nasper revived him from death as a white banshee with the ability to dissolve his body into billions of particles. His new power gives the couple confidence to explore the city again. All clues lead to the discovery of two malevolent leaders who control the black banshees. With their horrific desire to kill all who have access to Nasper, Faye realizes that her parents have been in hiding all these years.

 

 

Summary (2/3rds of the book) ends in:

 

In order to contain Faye’s recklessness, Troy puts distance between them. Unable to connect with Nasper, Faye refocuses her energy on locating her best friend. But, it is too late. Troy returns, and not as himself. What she witnesses may force her to choose between each other and Nasper.

I'm not really practiced at this critique procedure so please forgive my stumbling. I did not know where to hang my emotions on your story synopsis. Should I run with them to find her parents or marvel (shake) at the wonders of Nasper? Like I said, I'm a newbie so take this with a grain (big chunk) of salt.



#32 JRUET

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Posted 13 March 2018 - 09:53 PM

Note: I didn't not read former renditions/critiques so as to come at it fresh. If you've already addressed a point in the comments and I missed it making points here redundant, apologies :)

 

Eighteen-year-old Faye Hex desires "desires" is kind of an itchy word for me in YA, I'd stick to "wants" or "dreams of knowing" nothing more than to know her real parents. Unfortunately, she will have to search more than just Earth to find them. Born with the ability to travel to the dangerous city of Nasper in an alternate realm, she has an inkling to start there. This is an interesting talent, but I'm not sure I understand exactly how we get to this point. If she doesn't know her parents, how would she have discovered she has this talent? We don't necessarily need backstory, that's what the novel is for, but maybe a word change for clarification such as "Since she stumbled across an alternative realm..." (or something :) 

 

Faye’s ability to do so "jump" be specific about what she's doing- obviously I've made up jump, but I'm sure you have a word for her ability to cross into a different dimension is tied to the presence of another orphan--Troy Tucker, who is the single ray of light in her dark world. Only when in close proximity are the two able to travel to Nasper together. While their bodies lie unconscious on Earth, their souls are free to wander the abandoned city.

 

However, abandoned does not mean lifeless. After a near-death encounter with a vicious black er, not sure this descriptor is doing what you want it to do...  banshee, Troy expresses reservations this isn't really strong enough language... you express reservations about three day old tuna, you flip the F out over almost getting killed in an alternative reality ;) ​ and suggests letting Nasper go. But for Faye, however, sees the situation through a different lens. Exploring the city for clues of her parents’ whereabouts is worth the risk.

 

Faye’s desperation evolves into an uncontainable recklessness peaks when she learns that they who's "they" her parents? or she and Troy? are the last two descendants of Nasper. If they die, it dies. Troy puts distance between them to ensure Faye stays away from the dangers of the city Troy's actions need to be described more strongly, he seems kind of wishy-washy currently . Devastated in his absence, she (name) cannot connect with Nasper. For months she refocuses her energy on locating her best friend. But, it may be too late. Troy returns (was he gone, or just not answering her calls?), but not as himself. this is vague- was he possessed, is he a three legged unicorn now? or is it something sinister. You need enough mystery to entice the reader, but not so much that you lose us.

 

Okay, so I think you have an interesting premise here, but you're losing me a bit on the details. I think on your next go-round you need to be a bit more brutal with word choice. As a former teacher I used to make my students defend their writing by asking the questions: "why this word in this place, and not a different word in another place?"

 

Hope this helps!

 

I'd love feedback on my inquiry if you are able, thanks!http://agentqueryconnect.com/index.php?/topic/38524-agents-of-balance-ya-fantasy-last-revision-before-initial-inquiries/?p=353277



#33 yawriter

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Posted 15 March 2018 - 08:14 PM

I'm not really practiced at this critique procedure so please forgive my stumbling. I did not know where to hang my emotions on your story synopsis. Should I run with them to find her parents or marvel (shake) at the wonders of Nasper? Like I said, I'm a newbie so take this with a grain (big chunk) of salt.

 

Thank you for your help! It does help... Especially when you said "above her parents". She can't search for her parents without Troy, so she has to focus on finding him first...I changed it to "Unable to connect with Nasper, Locating her best friend becomes priority". I think that clears it up! Thank you!! Let me know if you'd like for me to take a look at yours. 



#34 JRUET

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Posted 16 March 2018 - 10:19 PM

Alright, back at it ;) I think I pulled the query from the topic of the second page instead of the first last time, sorry! I haven't looked at may synopsis entries (just started looking at requirements for this today for my stuff and my head started spinning! haha), so hopefully this isn't unhelpful.

 

Other note- I've found it frustrating to have holes poked in my query (i.e. a random "too vague" or "why" etc.) without any actual constructive assistance, so in several instances after poking at you (and this is good natured, so hopefully it doesn't come off harsh ;) I've offered a different wording or sentence. Take these with a grain of salt as I've not read you MS so I might be headed way off in the wrong direction from where you're trying to take us without realizing. Also, I clearly have not labored over this as you have, so take the examples as a suggestion, not a shiny A+ piece of writing that I'm suggesting you use as is ;)

 

Synopsis: (Beginning to end)

 

Born with the ability to visit the dangerous city of Nasper in an alternate realm, eighteen-year-old Faye Hex believes it is where she will find her parents I'd switch the clauses around here to make it more active, something like- "18yo FH is searching for her parents, but not on Earth. Faye was born with the ability to travel (maybe a more interesting word than "travel" though) to an alternate realm where she searches the dangerous city of Nasper." This gift is tied to the presence of Troy Tucker, another orphan. Only when in close proximity are their souls free to wander the abandoned city. Two things here, first, the word order of this sentence reads funny, but if you reorder as suggested above (but obviously better) it might not be an issue. Also, it threw me a bit to have you describe the city as both "dangerous" and "abandoned" it sends me in the direction of Raiders of the Lost Ark with them getting sabotaged by pillars and such. Since I read your query previously I know you're referring to non-human entities, but if this were the first pass I might not get that. A simple fix would be to insert that it's been abandoned by humans specifically.

 

However, abandoned does not mean lifeless. After a near-death encounter with a vicious black (see prior note about the banshee being black, without context this might not be the ideal descriptor) banshee, Troy begs her to stop the search for her parents. Unfortunately, ​don't like this word, makes the MC seem passive, like things are happening to her instead of her creating the action Faye grows desperate after learning that Nasper is dying. And if the city dies, so do the clues about her family. "After a near death encounter with a banshee Troy puts his foot down. But when they learn that Nasper is dying Faye becomes even more desperate to find her parents before the city, and her clues, are lost forever."

 

Troy puts distance between them to contain Faye’s recklessness. Again, this sounds a bit passive. "Troy refuses to see Faye, hoping distance and her inability to travel without him will contain Faye's recklessness." Unable to connect with Nasper, locating her best friend becomes priority. "Frustrated, Faye turns her attention to finding Troy, but when she does it's already too late." But, it is too late. Troy returns this throws me a bit because it suggests Troy went to Nasper without Faye, which 1. I thought was impossible, and 2. he's the one that didn't want to go in the first place., and not as himself. He died and was revived by Nasper as a white banshee with the power to dissolve into billions of particles. Confident so is this a good thing or a bad thing? "too late" suggests bad, but "confident in his new ability" suggests good in his new ability, the couple So you've referred to them as friends, best friends, and a couple. I'm unclear of the relationship between your MCs at this point. explores the city again. All clues lead to the discovery of two malevolent leaders who control the black banshees Okay, so I see now that "black" is not so much a descriptor of an individual banshee as it is a whole group. I'm of course familiar with the ideas of "white magic v//s black magic" but the "black is bad and white is good" thing might be itchy for some agents, especially with current events. Again, I'm no expert, it just stood out to me.. With their desire to kill all who have access to Nasper, Faye realizes that her parents have been in hiding all these years. This isn't a super jazzy ending for me. I feel like the stakes have gone from "Faye's parents are trapped in a dying world and MC have to save them and the city from the evil banshees" to "oh, well I guess they're hiding and couldn't be bothered to take their child with them." I don't have a specific comp here, but maybe knowing why Faye's parents have been in hiding, and having it be more dire than them knowing about Nasper, could up the ante a bit.

 

Summary (2/3rds of the book) ends in:

 

Troy puts distance between them to contain Faye’s recklessness. Unable to connect with Nasper, locating her best friend becomes priority. But, it is too late. Troy returns and not as himself. The city has changed him. What she witnesses may force her to choose between each other I'm not sure who the "each other" is referring to, if it's Troy just use his name since we're familiar with him and Nasper.

 

 Like I said, I haven't really taken the dive into synopsis-world yet, so I hope this is more helpful than frustrating!



#35 yawriter

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Posted 24 March 2018 - 10:00 PM

Any feedback will help! Thank you!



#36 TClark

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Posted 24 March 2018 - 10:39 PM

Any feedback will help!!

 

Synopsis: (Beginning to end)

 

Born with the ability to travel to the city of Nasper in an alternate realm, eighteen-year-old Faye Hex believes it is  (reword this) where she will find her parents. This gift is tied to the presence of Troy Tucker, another orphan. Only when in close proximity are their souls free to wander the abandoned city. (Good)

 

However, abandoned does not mean lifeless. After a near-death encounter with a vicious banshee, Troy begs her to stop the search for her parents. To his dismay, a desperate recklessness envelopes (I don't like this cluster of words) Faye after learning that Nasper is dying. And if the city dies, so do the clues about her family. (Excellent way to raise the stakes)

 

Troy puts distance between them to block her connection with Nasper. Livid, she spends months locating him. But, when she does, it is too late. Troy had died. The city revived him as a light banshee with the power to dissolve into billions of particles. (Ok... I'm a little lost with this revelation) The couple decides to explore the city now that Troy feels better equipped to protect Faye. All clues lead to the discovery of malevolent leaders commanding the banshees to kill all who have access to Nasper. The leaders expose vital information about her family’s whereabouts after they trap Faye and Troy in a sea of banshees.  (These last few sentences have really confused me)

 

Summary (2/3rds of the book) ends in:

 

Troy puts distance between them to block her connection with Nasper. Livid, Faye spends months locating him. But, when she does, it is already too late. What she witnesses may force her to choose between Troy and Nasper.



#37 IndusiumGriseum

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Posted 24 March 2018 - 11:43 PM

Any feedback will help!!

 

Synopsis: (Beginning to end)

 

Born with the ability to travel to the city of Nasper in an alternate realm, eighteen-year-old Faye Hex believes it is where she will find her parents. This gift is tied to the presence of Troy Tucker, another orphan. Only when in close proximity are their souls free to wander the abandoned city.

 

However, abandoned does not mean lifeless. After a near-death encounter with a vicious banshee, (What's a banshee in terms of your story? A banshee as we know it, or is there another definition?) Troy begs her to stop the search for her parents. (Why? You never established a bond between the two of them--you just mentioned that they need each other to access Nasper.) To his dismay, a desperate recklessness envelopes Faye after learning that Nasper is dying. And if the city dies, so do the clues about her family. (Good! Most exciting part of the query)

 

Troy puts distance between them to block her connection with Nasper. Livid, she spends months locating him. But, when she does, it is too late. Troy had has died. The city revived revives him as a light banshee (What's a light banshee?) with the power to dissolve into billions of particles. The couple decides to explore the city now that Troy feels better equipped to protect Faye. All clues lead to the discovery of malevolent leaders commanding the banshees to kill all who have access to Nasper. The leaders expose vital information about her family’s whereabouts after they trap Faye and Troy in a sea of banshees.  (This reads more like a synopsis than a query. I would actually suggest ending the query at her connection being blocked with Nasper, trying to find Troy and strongly hint at some kind of ominous threat looming on the horizon. You don't need a point-by-point summary.)

 

Summary (2/3rds of the book) ends in:

 

Troy puts distance between them to block her connection with Nasper. Livid, Faye spends months locating him. But, when she does, it is already too late. What she witnesses may force her to choose between Troy and Nasper.

 

Great start! In your revisions, I would definitely focus on establishing the relationship between Troy and Faye more in the beginning and explaining some things about your world, like what banshees are.


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#38 yawriter

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Posted 25 March 2018 - 12:40 PM

Great start! In your revisions, I would definitely focus on establishing the relationship between Troy and Faye more in the beginning and explaining some things about your world, like what banshees are.

 

Thank you so much for your help! Some agents want a synopsis so for the query letter, that last part where it says "summary"  is if they don't want a synopsis.  I'd love your feedback after I reedit  :)



#39 yawriter

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Posted 28 March 2018 - 09:59 AM

Any feedback will help! I will critique back!



#40 smithgirl

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Posted 29 March 2018 - 11:15 AM

This is actually a query, not a synopsis. Although a query does contain a short synopsis-like component that doesn't not include the ending.

 

 

The city of Nasper rests in an alternate realm, hiding clues to the location of eighteen-year-old Faye Hex’s parents. But no comma she cannot find them alone. Her ability to travel to Nasper is tied to the presence of Troy Tucker, another orphan. Only when in close proximity are their souls free to wander the abandoned city. I'm unclear on the proximity thing: Their souls have to be in close proximity to each other? Their bodies need to be in close proximity to each other? Just in proximity to each other or also to the supposed city location? Also, are Faye's parents in Nasper, or are just the clues to finding them in Nasper?

 

This intro is good, but it's not very catchy. Can you make it more catchy?

 

However, abandoned does not mean lifeless. This sentence doesn't fit because we don't know that Faye was abandoned. We just know her parents are somewhere else. We need info here. After a near-death encounter with a vicious banshee, Troy begs her to stop the search for her parents. We need to know what the relationship is between Faye and Troy. To his dismay, a desperate recklessness envelopes Faye after learning that Nasper is dying. What? How does she know this? What does it mean? And if the city dies, so do the clues about her family.

 

Troy puts distance between them to sever Faye’s connection with the city. Livid, she spends months locating him. But, when she does, it is too late. Troy is in a coma. Why is he in a coma? Nasper revives with the power to dissolve into billions of particles. What? Now that Troy feels better equipped to protect Faye, I thought Troy was in a coma? the couple returns to Nasper. I thought Nasper dissolved into particles? You can still go there? All clues lead to the discovery of malevolent leaders who are commanding the banshees to kill all who have access to Nasper. What? This comes from nowhere. And too vague. The leaders expose vital information about her family’s whereabouts after they trap Faye and Troy in a sea of banshees. This sounds more like an ending than stakes. You need to finish your query with the stakes.

 

 

Summary (2/3rds of the book) ends in:

 

Troy puts distance between them to block her connection with Nasper. Livid, Faye spends months locating him. But, when she does, it is already too late. What she witnesses may force her to choose between Troy and Nasper. I'm not sure why you have this little summary here.

 

So your query lacks a clear narrative arc. The story jumps around as you describe seemingly unrelated events that do not build logically one upon the next. I'm not even sure who your MC is. I think it's Faye, but you need to write your query with a very clear MC and from the MC's POV. You need to rewrite your query so it addresses the vital crux of your story. We need it follow a single, coherent story line and we also need the relationships between the characters to be clearly defined. I don't know if Faye and Troy are friends, compatriots in a mission, lovers. Their feelings toward each other and their feelings in general are minimal. We need to meet Faye, understand her situation clearly, feel her pain.

 

I know the story is clear to you, but it's still unclear to an outsider. Good luck!

 

 

 

 







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