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The Things You Can't Imagine (YA: Speculative, Sci Fi)


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#41 PureZhar3

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Posted 01 March 2018 - 04:29 PM

So, I've listened to all the advice i've received: simplifying, cutting extraneous nouns, but most importantly, bringing the storylines together at the end of the query instead of just saying "worlds collide"!! I think this new query is shorter, snappier and hopefully makes some sense! 

 

Three timelines. One thread weaving them together. Imagination.   ​This start doesn't grab me.

 

15-year-old Leo’s ​If you're doing the bolded name thing, I would take out the contraction just to keep the structure/remove confusion (Leo has) never seen anything like the golden orb before. It’s different from the other artefacts his dad brings home from the museum. It turns out that the orb is an ancient Sumerian video camera, and five thousand years ago a boy called Ama used it to record his memories.

 

Ama, ​no comma must free his sister from The Hive, a fortress where alien’s ​aliens? syphon children’s imaginations to fuel star gardens: a technology used to control the cosmos. But releasing the children wakes the Sumerian pantheon, and when the god of storms, ​again no comma floods the city, there is only one escape: the sky boat at the hive’s pinnacle. ​capitalize hive?

 

 On Planet Ki, Ama’s descendant Kala finds out that she is an Anomaly: one of a few people who still possess true imagination and can work the fabled star gardens. She must keep the knowledge a secret or risk becoming a test subject like the children ACCORD—a powerful but mysterious organization—abducted from Earth. ​This sentence could read smoother, particularly the children ACCORD bit

 

When Kala discovers that ACCORD plan to use the star gardens and children as weapons, she looks to planet Earth for answers. But the Earth she sees is a frozen wasteland, devoid of life. Then, she hears a voice calling to her through space and across the years.  

 

Leo needs her help, but Kala’s got enough troubles of her own. ​This is cool, but it begs the question why Leo needs help, when it seems Kala should be the one needing help, and Leo the one with enough troubles of his own.

 

THE THINGS YOU CAN”T IMAGINE is my YA SCIFI debut, complete at 95,000.   

 

​Yes, this is much better! It grabs my attention in a few places, but I think it needs more clarification and tweaking before it's fully there. I definitely agree that it was a breakthrough!


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#42 rhwashere

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Posted 02 March 2018 - 12:05 AM

I second Micronesia. Both in that this is much better than before, and that there are just a few grammar/punctuation mistakes and unclear areas that need tweaking. Especially Kala’s section. The second sentence for her is clunky and I don’t understand how ACCORD could abduct children from Earth if Earth is frozen. Also, why does Leo need her?

And please, kill that log line. You don’t need to tell us it’s 3 timelines and about imagination. We can see that from the rest of the query.

Please feel free to critique my query: http://agentquerycon...51718/?p=356817


#43 RegE

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Posted 02 March 2018 - 10:39 PM

Hi. So here is my latest query. I think i'm almost there with this.

 

Does the overall plot make a bit more sense now? Does the query make you want to read the book?

 

Please help me by looking for grammar mistakes and offering line edits. Or, if you think I need to re write,  scrap it and start over, i'm open to those opinions too. I've kept the name's in bold for the first time each char is introduced as I think this is a good way to highlight my starring protagonists! Thanks again! I'm back at work now and busy, but will check out some of your queries and critique when I get home later. 

 

 

Leo has never seen anything like the golden orb before. It’s different from the other artefacts his dad brings home from the museum. It turns out that the orb is an ancient Sumerian video camera, and five thousand years ago a boy called Ama used it to record his memories.

 

Ama must free his sister from The Hive, a fortress where aliens syphon children’s imaginations to fuel star gardens: a technology used to control the cosmos. But releasing the children wakes the Sumerian pantheon. When the god of storms floods the city, there is only one escape: the sky boat at The Hive’s pinnacle.

 

On Planet Ki, Ama’s descendant Kala discovers that she is an Anomaly: one of few people who still possess true imagination. Kala hides the truth. Being different means trouble. But if no one can imagine, no one can work the newly discovered star gardens. ACCORD—a powerful and mysterious organization— provides a solution: the Earth children they abducted and kept in cryo for the last five centuries. Kala is fascinated by the children, but developing a relationship with them could compromise her secret.

 

When instead of employing the gardens for good, ACCORD use the technology to destroy a planet, Kala is devastated. She seeks solace in Earth but finds it has become a frozen wasteland, devoid of life.

 

Kala hears a voice calling to her through space and across the years.

 

Leo wants her help. He thinks that Kala’s the key to saving planet Earth, but Kala has enough to worry about. ACCORD know that she’s an Anomaly, and that makes her a threat. Kala must fight or die, but to take down ACCORD she needs to understand the nefarious force at its helm.

 

Ama’s diaries may hold the answer.

 

THE THINGS YOU CAN”T IMAGINE is my YA SCIFI debut, complete at 95,000.

 

 



#44 PureZhar3

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Posted 03 March 2018 - 09:11 AM

Hm... still not quite there. I like the first paragraphs, but once you get to the Kala one things still start to fall apart. I understand the plot in more detail, but I don't really understand it better. A few thoughts:

1) I like that you tied it back to Ama, not just Leo and Kala. 

2) I like that you informed us Kala needs to know more about ACCORD

3) I disliked all the detail - I don't think we needed to know anything more about ACCORD than you gave us in the last version (though I do like how you showed that she turns to Earth because of her fascination with the children). I understand that you were trying to explain how ACCORD abducted children from a frozen planet, but I would suggest that you say something simple, such as "Earth children abducted from the past". Given that Leo can time travel (or at least talk across  time?) we shouldn't question it too much, and even if it isn't technically accurate, it will still function for the query. There's no use bogging down the entire query to answer a simple question that may not occur to every agent.

4) I disliked all the short paragraphs at the end. One or two work, but not four. 

5) I disliked all the questions that were raised (I think because of all the detail). If ACCORD finds out Kala is an anomaly (which makes me wonder how they did), maybe just start out by saying that - that ACCORD knows she is an Anomaly and wants to force her to work with the children (as opposed to talking about how she must hide it). That'll get us to a place of coherence much faster. Then when you say that "Leo wants her help, believing her the key, but she has enough to worry about", you won't have to give additional detail about what she's worrying about - we'll already know.


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#45 RegE

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Posted 03 March 2018 - 09:57 AM

Ok, altered this slightly as per your suggestions PureZhar3. I don't want to omit the fact that she hides being an Anomaly because I think that ACCORD finding out creates a good conflict in the query. The children were abducted fromt he past because the space ship ACCORD sent to abduct them took 250 years to get to Earth and 250 to get back!! Explaining that in the query is a def nono. I like your idea of saying they were simply abducted from the past. What do you think of this version? Thanks

 

 

Leo has never seen anything like the golden orb before. It’s different from the other artefacts his dad brings home from the museum. It turns out that the orb is an ancient Sumerian video camera, and five thousand years ago a boy called Ama used it to record his memories.

 

Ama must free his sister from The Hive, a fortress where aliens syphon children’s imaginations to fuel star gardens: a technology used to control the cosmos. But releasing the children wakes the Sumerian pantheon. When the god of storms floods the city, there is only one escape: the sky boat at The Hive’s pinnacle.

 

On Planet Ki, Ama’s descendent Kala discovers that she is an Anomaly: one of few people who still possess true imagination. Kala hides the truth. On Ki, being different means trouble. But if no one can imagine, no one can work the newly discovered star gardens. ACCORD—a powerful and mysterious organization— provides a solution: the Earth children they abducted from the past.

 

When ACCORD use the star garden to destroy a planet. Kala is devastated. She seeks solace in Earth, hoping to see where the children and her ancestors came from, but finds it has become a frozen wasteland, devoid of life.

 

Kala hears a voice calling to her through space and across the years. Leo wants her help. He thinks that Kala’s the key to saving planet Earth, but Kala has enough to worry about. ACCORD know she’s an Anomaly, and that makes her a threat. Kala must fight or die, but to take down ACCORD she needs to understand the nefarious force at its helm. Ama’s diaries may hold the answer.

 

THE THINGS YOU CAN”T IMAGINE is my YA SCIFI debut, complete at 95,000.



#46 MICRONESIA

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Posted 03 March 2018 - 10:21 AM

It's closer. But it's not there yet. Right now, you're focused on getting the info onto the page. This is what you SHOULD be doing.

 

However, it lacks style. "Kala hides the truth. On Ki, being different means trouble." Sentences like this are clunky and lack zing. The biggest offender is the last paragraph, which is -- not coincidentally -- the one where I became completely lost. Again, there's too much going on. 

 

I mean, just look at all the stuff you're throwing at the reader:

 

Leo

orb/camera

ancient Sumeria

Ama

The Hive

star gardens

god of storms

sky boat

Planet Ki

Kala

Anomaly

ACCORD

 

If you keep it this way, some agents WILL reject it based on complexity alone.

 

I don't know how Ama fits into any of this, what star gardens have to do with Sumerian gods, how imagination is necessary to run the star gardens but for some reason Kala is shunned for it, how she can save an earth that's already a wasteland, etc. Maybe start with the star gardens, since they seem to be the connecting force between the three? Explain what those are in a sentence or two, THEN delve into the three characters? Readers are begging for dry land here. Give it to them.


A Darkness in Spring (query | synopsis)


#47 PureZhar3

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Posted 03 March 2018 - 10:28 AM

Hmm, yes, I see what Micronesia is saying. He has a point. You could certainly try his idea, but if you would like to keep it the same, I understand. As-is, I would suggest reverting to the query I critiqued in post #41. Reexamine it and try to fix the problems we brought up then without reverting to the detail-heavy style that you were struggling with before and have since reintroduced. Your changes from that version to this one are not all bad, but I don't see them going in a productive direction. Those are my thoughts, anyway


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#48 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 03 March 2018 - 10:37 AM

Ok, altered this slightly as per your suggestions PureZhar3. I don't want to omit the fact that she hides being an Anomaly because I think that ACCORD finding out creates a good conflict in the query. The children were abducted fromt he past because the space ship ACCORD sent to abduct them took 250 years to get to Earth and 250 to get back!! Explaining that in the query is a def nono. I like your idea of saying they were simply abducted from the past. What do you think of this version? Thanks

 

 

Leo (I know you want to make the names of the MC's stand out, but you might want to put them in all-caps instead of bold.  Sometimes when you send emails, the formatting goes screwy, and it won't be bolded for the agent who sees it) has never seen anything like the golden orb before. It’s different from the other artefacts his dad brings home from the museum. It turns out I'm not a fan of this phrase in writing.  It's just unnesecary wording that clutters the query. that the orb is an ancient Sumerian video camera, and five thousand years ago a boy called Ama used it to record his memories.

 

Ama must free his sister from The Hive, a fortress where aliens syphon children’s imaginations to fuel star gardens: a technology used to control the cosmos. But releasing the children wakes the Sumerian pantheon. When the god of storms floods the city, there is only one escape: the sky boat at The Hive’s pinnacle. I understand all of this, but there are a lot of words in here that make it confusing (The Hive, god of storms, sky boat...) I also don't really know what having the city flood has to do with the rest of the query.  Do they escape on a starship, which in turn leads to colonizing Planet Ki? If so, just say that.

 

On Planet Ki, Ama’s descendent Kala discovers that she is an Anomaly: one of few people who still possess true imagination. Kala hides the truth. On Ki, being different means trouble. So, basically, they could siphon her imagination to fuel the star gardens? Can you just say that?  These two sentences are vague, and I have to jump to conclusions. But if no one can imagine, no one can work the newly discovered star gardens. ACCORD—a powerful and mysterious organization— provides a solution: the Earth children they abducted from the past. At this point, I really have no idea what the star gardens are.  What does "technolgy used to control the cosmos" REALLY mean?

 

When ACCORD use the star garden to destroy a planet. Kala is devastated. She seeks solace in Earth, hoping to see where the children and her ancestors came from, but finds it has become a frozen wasteland, devoid of life.

 

Kala hears a voice calling to her through space and across the years. Leo wants her help. He thinks that Kala’s the key to saving planet Earth, but Kala has enough to worry about. ACCORD know she’s an Anomaly, and that makes her a threat. Kala must fight or die, but to take down ACCORD she needs to understand the nefarious force at its helm. Ama’s diaries may hold the answer.

 

THE THINGS YOU CAN”T IMAGINE is my YA SCIFI debut, complete at 95,000.

 

I think you have a really cool idea here - I dig it, I would read this.  But there is A LOT of info here to take in, and A LOT of phrases that aren't easy to understand (Accord, The Hive, Star Gardens...)  It took me a very long time to read and understand this, which you don't want in a query.  An agent is going to pass over this quickly, so you have to keep it easily understandable.

I also don't know what prescisely the star gardens are.  They seem to be the tying force of all of this, so maybe your hook line could be explaining what they are, THEN delving into the three different stories.

Also, after reading this, Leo's story seems the least important.  Not saying that it is in the book, but he sort of just makes one appearance and leaves.  Is there a way you could write the query from just Ama and Kala's stories just to keep it decluttered.

Another reccomendation I have is to look up book and movie blurbs from ones that also have multiple story arcs.  Maybe you can see how they make it work? Just a suggestion.



#49 RegE

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Posted 03 March 2018 - 10:50 AM

Micronesia - Now that you list all the terms like that, I can see how they may overload and put off an agent!! My story is quite complicated, and I guess by using this language, I hope to intrigue an agent and leave them wanting more. I get that it's too much and I need to uncomplicate things as much as possible!

 

PureZhar - Yeah, I think I kind of went in the wrong direction after post 41. I overwrote, but hopefully I can strip it back and end up with something more concise. 

 

DisgruntledWriter - Thank you. I'm glad that you would want to pick up the book. I agree that I'm too vague in the query. Leading with the star gardens (which are def the most important part of the story) is a really good idea. And yes, Ama flees Earth in a space ship and they colonize planet Ki. Leo is an important part of the end of the story, which I tried to show in the query, but not clearly enough. Time to revise!!

 

Thanks :) 



#50 RegE

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Posted 05 March 2018 - 04:29 AM

Here's the latest version of my query. I have removed the part about Kala having to hide the fact that she is an anomaly as this just complicated the query unnecessarily.  I've also added a hook line trying to explain star gardens (as suggested by Micronesia and DisgruntledWriter).

 

I would really appreciate suggestions of how to make the hook line more interesting and attention grabbing. I also think there's still a missing link as to why Kala would seek solace by viewing planet Earth. The reason is that she wants to see the beautiful planet the children and her ancestors came from, but again, I don't want to lengthen and complicate the query by saying that! 

 

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Controlling a star garden means wielding god like power. Anything imaginable is possible. Travelling though time, extinguishing stars and shattering worlds are only a thought away.

 

LEO has never seen anything like the golden orb before. It’s different from the other artefacts his dad brings home from the museum. The orb is an ancient Sumerian video camera, and five thousand years ago a boy called Ama used it to record his memories.

 

AMA must free his sister from The Hive, a ziggurat where aliens syphon children’s imaginations to fuel star gardens. But releasing the children wakes the Sumerian pantheon. When the god of storms floods the city, there is only one escape: the space ship at The Hive’s pinnacle.

 

Ama’s descendant KALA lives on planet Ki where the discovery of a fabled star garden could herald a golden age. But Kala’s people lost the ability to imagine generations ago.  ACCORD—a powerful and mysterious organization—provides a solution: the Earth children they abducted from the past.

 

Instead of employing the gardens for good, ACCORD use the technology to destroy a planet. Kala is devastated. She seeks solace in Earth, but finds it has become a frozen wasteland, devoid of life. Then Kala hears a voice calling to her through space and across the years.

 

Leo wants her help. He thinks she is the key to saving Earth, but Kala has enough to worry about. ACCORD know she’s an Anomaly—one of few people who still possess true imagination—and that makes her a threat. Kala must fight or die, but to take down ACCORD she needs to understand the nefarious force at its helm. Ama’s memories may hold the answer.

 

THE THINGS YOU CAN”T IMAGINE is my YA SCIFI debut, complete at 95,000.

 



#51 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 06 March 2018 - 09:47 AM

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Controlling a star garden means wielding god like power. Anything imaginable is possible. Travelling though time, extinguishing stars and shattering worlds are only a thought away. I do agree this needs to be punchier.  "Controling a star garden means anything is imaginable.  Travelling through time, extinguishing stars, and shattering worlds can be only a thought away" or something like that might be better, but of course, shift it around to suit your needs, since I'm just editing this and know nothing.

 

LEO has never seen anything like the golden orb before. It’s different from the other artefacts his dad brings home from the museum. The orb is an ancient Sumerian video camera, and five thousand years ago a boy called Ama used it to record his memories.

 

AMA must free his sister from The Hive, a ziggurat Okay - so I had no clue what this word meant until I googled it. Maybe it's common to know what that word is and I'm just an idiot, though where aliens syphon children’s imaginations to fuel star gardens. But releasing the children wakes the Sumerian pantheon. When the god of storms floods the city, there is only one escape: the space ship at The Hive’s pinnacle.

 

Ama’s descendant KALA lives on planet Ki Yes, this reads way more clear now where the discovery of a fabled star garden could herald a golden age. But Kala’s people lost the ability to imagine generations ago.  ACCORD—a powerful and mysterious organization—provides a solution: the Earth children they abducted from the past. This is where I get lost, because this seems like a huge leap, and it raises a lot of questions.

 

Instead of employing the gardens for good, ACCORD use the technology to destroy a planet. Kala is devastated. She seeks solace in Earth, but finds it has become a frozen wasteland, devoid of life. Then Kala hears a voice calling to her through space and across the years.

 

Leo wants her help. He thinks she is the key to saving Earth, So, in Leo's storyline, are children getting abducted by the aliens on Ki? but Kala has enough to worry about. ACCORD know she’s an Anomaly—one of few people who still possess true imagination—and that makes her a threat. Kala must fight or die, but to take down ACCORD she needs to understand the nefarious force at its helm. Ama’s memories may hold the answer. Here is where it all sort of falls apart.  I understand what's happening, but there's a lot of info, that is disjointed, and it doesn't come together quite smoothly enough to work.

 

THE THINGS YOU CAN”T IMAGINE is my YA SCIFI debut, complete at 95,000.

 

I think we need more back story on Leo, if what I'm assuming is true about the kids from his time getting abducted.

 

Another suggestion if you can't get the three storylines to weave together: You could just focus the story on Kala.  The idea of another planet going into the past to abduct children from Earth to fuel their star gardens, and having one girl try to stop them with the help from people from the past would also make a pretty neat query, in my opinion.



#52 RegE

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Posted 06 March 2018 - 10:05 AM

Writing this on my phone before bed so it's gona be a short one! DisgruntledWriter, what if I just cut 'the children ACCORD abducted from the past' because it creates too much confusion and too many questions. ACCORD are not the aliens from AMA's time!! I could just say 'ACCORD provide an unlikely solution' and leave it at that.

#53 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 06 March 2018 - 10:28 AM

Writing this on my phone before bed so it's gona be a short one! DisgruntledWriter, what if I just cut 'the children ACCORD abducted from the past' because it creates too much confusion and too many questions. ACCORD are not the aliens from AMA's time!! I could just say 'ACCORD provide an unlikely solution' and leave it at that.

 

That could help things.  I should clarify,  I was asking if the aliens were abducting kids from Leo's time, not Ama's.  Why does Leo think Kala is the key to saving Earth was one of my big questions.



#54 Emily804

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Posted 06 March 2018 - 07:39 PM

Here's the latest version of my query. I have removed the part about Kala having to hide the fact that she is an anomaly as this just complicated the query unnecessarily.  I've also added a hook line trying to explain star gardens (as suggested by Micronesia and DisgruntledWriter).

 

I would really appreciate suggestions of how to make the hook line more interesting and attention grabbing. I also think there's still a missing link as to why Kala would seek solace by viewing planet Earth. The reason is that she wants to see the beautiful planet the children and her ancestors came from, but again, I don't want to lengthen and complicate the query by saying that! 

 

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Controlling a star garden means wielding god like power. Anything imaginable is possible. Travelling though time, extinguishing stars and shattering worlds are only a thought away.

 

LEO has never seen anything like the golden orb before. It’s different from the other artefacts his dad brings home from the museum. The orb is an ancient Sumerian video camera, and five thousand years ago a boy called Ama used it to record his memories.

 

AMA must free his sister from The Hive, a ziggurat where aliens syphon children’s imaginations to fuel star gardens. But releasing the children wakes the Sumerian pantheon. When the god of storms floods the city, there is only one escape: the space ship at The Hive’s pinnacle.

 

Ama’s descendant KALA lives on planet Ki where the discovery of a fabled star garden could herald a golden age. But Kala’s people lost the ability to imagine generations ago.  ACCORD—a powerful and mysterious organization—provides a solution: the Earth children they abducted from the past.

 

Instead of employing the gardens for good, ACCORD use the technology to destroy a planet. Kala is devastated. She seeks solace in Earth, but finds it has become a frozen wasteland, devoid of life. Then Kala hears a voice calling to her through space and across the years.

 

Leo wants her help. He thinks she is the key to saving Earth, but Kala has enough to worry about. ACCORD know she’s an Anomaly—one of few people who still possess true imagination—and that makes her a threat. Kala must fight or die, but to take down ACCORD she needs to understand the nefarious force at its helm. Ama’s memories may hold the answer.

 

THE THINGS YOU CAN​'T IMAGINE is my YA sci-fi debut, complete at 95,000 words.

 

I think this query is a bit confusing just because of the fact that you have so many different POVs. If it is possible to write the query from one POV, I would try that. If not, what you have is good considering the difficulty of trying to write a query letter about so many different perspectives. 


Query Compatibility YA sci-fi: http://agentquerycon...lity-ya-sci-fi/


#55 PureZhar3

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Posted 07 March 2018 - 06:03 PM

Here's the latest version of my query. I have removed the part about Kala having to hide the fact that she is an anomaly as this just complicated the query unnecessarily.  I've also added a hook line trying to explain star gardens (as suggested by Micronesia and DisgruntledWriter).

 

I would really appreciate suggestions of how to make the hook line more interesting and attention grabbing. I also think there's still a missing link as to why Kala would seek solace by viewing planet Earth. The reason is that she wants to see the beautiful planet the children and her ancestors came from, but again, I don't want to lengthen and complicate the query by saying that! 

 

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Controlling a star garden means wielding god like power. Anything imaginable is possible. Travelling though time, extinguishing stars and shattering worlds are only a thought away.

​ Hm... maybe start with the fascinating things one can do with a star garden? I will note, I don't know that hooking with the star gardens, as you currently have it bring everything together. I would maybe say something like this (With the purpose of showing how the star gardens tie everyone together):

​Extinguishing stars and shattering worlds are only a thought away. Anyone blessed with the power of imagination can control star gardens, technology that can do anything, at any time. That includes saving the world by conjoining people from three separate times.

​Only better, and more hooky, and stuff... hope that helps

LEO has never seen anything like the golden orb before. It’s different from the other artefacts his dad brings home from the museum. The orb is an ancient Sumerian video camera, and five thousand years ago a boy called Ama used it to record his memories.

 

AMA must free ​frees? his sister from The Hive, a ziggurat where aliens syphon children’s imaginations to fuel star gardens ​so, a thought: can you just take out the name of "the Hive"? It adds unnecessary information. As does ziggurat. Just say he must free his sister from a fortress where aliens syphon childrens' imaginations to fuel star gardens. But releasing ​her, and the ​other children wakes the Sumerian ​god pantheon. When ​he the god of storms floods the city, there is only one escape: the space ship at The Hive’s pinnacle. ​there is only one escape: a space ship hidden within the fortress. Or something like that. Just trying to simplify, feel free to ignore all this

 

Ama’s descendant KALA lives on planet Ki where the discovery of a fabled star garden could herald a golden age​... if they had the imagination to run it. But Kala’s people lost the ability to imagine generations ago.  ACCORD—a powerful and mysterious organization—provides a solution: the Earth children they abducted from the past. ​this may not be technically accurate, but it's worth thinking about, again for simplification reasons: ACCORD - **** - tracks down Anomalies, those few still capable of the task.

 

Instead of employing the gardens for good, ACCORD use the technology to destroy a planet. Kala is devastated. She seeks solace in Earth, but finds it has become a frozen wasteland, devoid of life. Then Kala hears a voice calling to her through space and across the years.

 

Leo wants her help. He thinks she is the key to saving Earth, but Kala has enough to worry about. ACCORD know she’s an Anomaly—one of few people who still possess true imagination—and that makes her a threat​ want to enslave her, too.. Kala must fight or die, but to take down ACCORD she needs to understand the nefarious force at its helm. Ama’s memories may hold the answer.

 

THE THINGS YOU CAN”T IMAGINE is my YA SCIFI debut, complete at 95,000.

​Not bad, but there's still a lot to be said for simplification purposes. I tried to suggest good ways of uniting everything.


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#56 RegE

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Posted 07 March 2018 - 08:22 PM

Thank you PureZhar3. That's really helpful. I'm going to rewrite with your ideas to simplify and unite in mind, then decide which final version to send out. Thanks again to everyone here for all of your help. Wish me luck in the query trenches! 



#57 RegE

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Posted 10 March 2018 - 12:57 AM

Hi all,

 

So I've edited this query again! This time I wanted to simplify and cut down Leo and Amas' paragraphs and add more stakes and voice to Kala's paragraph. What do you think of this version? Is it more attention grabbing? Thanks.

 

Star gardens give people god-like power. Anything imaginable becomes possible. Travelling through time, extinguishing stars and shattering worlds are only a thought away.

 

LEO has never seen anything like the golden orb his dad brings home from the museum.  The artefact is an ancient Sumerian video camera, and 5000 years ago, Ama used it to record his memories.

 

AMA frees his sister from a ziggurat where aliens syphon children’s imaginations to fuel star gardens. But releasing the children wakes a Sumerian god. When the god floods the city, there is only one escape: the alien’s spaceship.

 

Ama’s descendant KALA lives on Planet Ki. The discovery of a fabled star garden promises a golden age, but no one on Ki can imagine, except Kala. ACCORD—a mysterious organisation—plan to use the gardens to rule the cosmos. Unaware of Kala's ability, ACCORD abducts imagination-blessed children from Earth’s past. Kala is fascinated by the new arrivals. She syncs with a star garden and views Earth, but finds it has become a frozen wasteland. Then Kala hears a voice calling across time. Leo needs her help.  

 

But Kala has problems of her own. ACCORD found out she can imagine, and that makes her a threat. When ACCORD murder the king and install a proxy rulerher stinking sludgeslug brotherKala will fight to avenge her slain father. Spilling her brother’s brains should be easy, but to take down ACCORD, Kala must understand the nefarious force at its helm. Ama’s memories may hold the answer.

 

THE THINGS YOU CAN”T IMAGINE is my YA sci-fi debut, complete at 95,000 words



#58 RegE

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Posted 10 March 2018 - 12:58 AM

Mistake post I can't work out how to delete!! ^ See new query above :)



#59 RegE

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Posted 10 March 2018 - 09:01 PM

Does anyone think this needs further revision, or am I pretty much done? I'm really eager to send this out! I will return critiques! Thanks

#60 rhwashere

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Posted 10 March 2018 - 11:18 PM

I think you should cut the first line and introduce star gardens with Ama’s paragraph.

Start with Leo, but add something to his paragraph that shows us what his conflict/stakes are.

Other than adding the introduction of Star gardens to Ama’s paragraph, it’s pretty much good to go.

I would cut Kala’s stuff WAY down. There’s far too much going on. Simply it to her most important conflict and what she will risk to overcome it.

Please feel free to critique my query: http://agentquerycon...51718/?p=356817





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