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The Things You Can't Imagine (YA: Speculative, Sci Fi)


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#61 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 11 March 2018 - 09:48 AM

Hi all,

 

So I've edited this query again! This time I wanted to simplify and cut down Leo and Amas' paragraphs and add more stakes and voice to Kala's paragraph. What do you think of this version? Is it more attention grabbing? Thanks.

 

Star gardens give people god-like power. Anything imaginable becomes possible. Travelling through time, extinguishing stars and shattering worlds are only a thought away.

 

LEO has never seen anything like the golden orb his dad brings home from the museum.  The artefact is an ancient Sumerian video camera, and 5000 years ago, Ama used it to record his memories. I still feel like we need something more about Leo here.  It doesn't state WHY he calls out to Kala for help.

 

AMA frees his sister from a ziggurat not sure if this is necessary, could just say frees his sister to simplify where aliens syphon children’s imaginations to fuel star gardens. But releasing the children wakes a Sumerian god. When the god floods the city, there is only one escape: the alien’s spaceship.

 

Ama’s descendant KALA lives on Planet Ki. The discovery of a fabled star garden promises a golden age, but no one on Ki can imagine, except Kala. ACCORD—a mysterious organisation—plan to use the gardens to rule the cosmos. Unaware of Kala's ability, ACCORD abducts imagination-blessed children from Earth’s past. Kala is fascinated by the new arrivals. She syncs with a star garden and views Earth, but finds it has become a frozen wasteland. Too much info. Then Kala hears a voice calling across time. Leo needs her help.  Why does he need her help? I think this would help the three stories come together.

 

But Kala has problems of her own. ACCORD found out she can imagine, and that makes her a threat. When ACCORD murder the king and install a proxy rulerher stinking sludgeslug brotherKala will fight to avenge her slain father. Spilling her brother’s brains should be easy, This is too much new info.  I'd rather hear more about how the three stories intertwine. but to take down ACCORD, Kala must understand the nefarious force at its helm. Ama’s memories may hold the answer.

 

THE THINGS YOU CAN”T IMAGINE is my YA sci-fi debut, complete at 95,000 words



#62 RegE

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Posted 11 March 2018 - 07:54 PM

In this version, I've tried to address some of the issues DisgruntledWriter and rhwashere pointed out. I've added the star garden explanation to Ama';s paragraph. I've explained why Leo needs Kala's help. I've made some other small changes too.

I'm thinking about cutting the line "ACCORD abduct imagination-blessed children from Earths past," just to cut down on the word count. Buuuut it is pretty cool, and it is a central plot point. What do you think?

Also, I am going to up my own crit game! Just v crazy busy at the moment. I just wrapped up a teaching job I've been at for five years, and I'm preparing to move to a new job and new city. Wish me luck!! :)

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

LEO has never seen anything like the golden orb his dad brings home from the museum. The artefact is an ancient Sumerian video camera, and 5000 years ago, Ama used it to record his memories. After masked thugs steal the artefact, Leo starts having apocalyptic visions and dreaming of a ten-foot-tall girl.

AMA frees his sister from a ziggurat where aliens syphon children’s imaginations to fuel star gardens. Star gardens give their users god-like power. Anything imaginable becomes possible. Travelling through time, extinguishing stars and shattering worlds are only a thought away. Releasing the children wakes a Sumerian god. When the god floods the city, there is only one escape: the alien’s spaceship.

Ama’s descendant KALA lives on Planet Ki. When a fabled star garden is discovered, ACCORD—a mysterious organization—plan to use it to rule the cosmos. But no one on Ki can imagine, except for Kala. Unaware of Kala's ability, ACCORD abducts imagination-blessed children from Earth's past. When Kala secretly syncs with the star garden, she hears a voice bad mouthing her across time. Leo has the crazy idea that she knows how to retrieve some ‘artefact’ and prevent Armageddon.

But Kala has problems of her own. ACCORD are out of control. They murdered the king and installed a proxy ruler: Kala’s stinking sludgeslug brother. What’s more, they know Kala can imagine and that makes her a threat. Kala will fight to avenge her father. Spilling her brother’s brains should be easy, but to take down ACCORD, Kala must understand the nefarious force at its helm.

Ama’s memories may hold the answer.

THE THINGS YOU CAN”T IMAGINE is my YA scifi debut, complete at 95,000 words.

#63 rhwashere

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Posted 12 March 2018 - 10:57 AM

In this version, I've tried to address some of the issues DisgruntledWriter and rhwashere pointed out. I've added the star garden explanation to Ama';s paragraph. I've explained why Leo needs Kala's help. I've made some other small changes too.

I'm thinking about cutting the line "ACCORD abduct imagination-blessed children from Earths past," just to cut down on the word count. Buuuut it is pretty cool, and it is a central plot point. What do you think?

Also, I am going to up my own crit game! Just v crazy busy at the moment. I just wrapped up a teaching job I've been at for five years, and I'm preparing to move to a new job and new city. Wish me luck!! :)

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

LEO has never seen anything like the golden orb his dad brings home from the museum. The artefact is an ancient Sumerian video camera, and 5000 years ago, Ama used it to record his memories. After masked thugs steal the artefact, Leo starts having apocalyptic visions and dreaming of a ten-foot-tall girl. To prevent his visions from coming true, he must get the artefact back, even if it means risking _________.

In the ancient past, AMA frees his sister from a ziggurat where aliens syphon children’s imaginations to fuel star gardens. Star gardens give their users god-like power. Anything imaginable becomes possible. Travelling through time, extinguishing stars and shattering worlds are only a thought away. Releasing the children wakes a Sumerian god. When the god floods the city, there is only one escape: the alien’s spaceship.

In the distant future, Ama’s descendant KALA lives on Planet Ki. When a fabled star garden is discovered, ACCORD—a mysterious organization—plans to use it to rule the cosmos. But no one on Ki can imagine, except for Kala. Unaware of Kala's ability, ACCORD abducts imagination-blessed children from Earth's past. When To stop ACCORD, Kala secretly syncs with the star garden, she hears a voice bad mouthing her across time. A boy named Leo has the crazy idea that she knows how to retrieve some ‘artefact’ and prevent Armageddon.

But Kala has problems of her own. ACCORD are out of control. They murdered the king and installed a proxy ruler: Kala’s stinking sludgeslug brother. What’s more, they know Kala can imagine and that makes her a threat. Kala will fight to avenge her father. Spilling her brother’s brains should be easy, but to take down ACCORD, Kala must understand the nefarious force at its helm.

Ama’s memories may hold the answer.


THE THINGS YOU CAN”T IMAGINE is my YA scifi debut, complete at 95,000 words.

 

I trimmed what was slowing your query down, while adding what I believe will give it more weight, as well as a few transitional phrases for clarity. I strongly suggest keeping the summary to 3 paragraphs, one for each hero. Your additions to Leo's paragraph were good, he just needs a little more stakes to make it interesting. For simplicity's sake, I cut half of Kala's plotline. Save it for the book; you need to keep the query moving.

 

Otherwise, I think you'll be in good shape. Hope the move and job change goes well!


Please feel free to critique my query: http://agentquerycon...51718/?p=356817


#64 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 12 March 2018 - 04:24 PM

rhwashere essentially hit all of the points I was going to highlight.  

 

 

 

 


_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

LEO has never seen anything like the golden orb his dad brings home from the museum. The artefact is an ancient Sumerian video camera, and 5000 years ago, Ama used it to record his memories. After masked thugs steal the artefact, Leo starts having apocalyptic visions and dreaming of a ten-foot-tall girl.

AMA frees his sister from a ziggurat where aliens syphon children’s imaginations to fuel star gardens. Star gardens give their users god-like power. Anything imaginable becomes possible. Travelling through time, extinguishing stars and shattering worlds are only a thought away. Releasing the children wakes a Sumerian god. When the god floods the city, there is only one escape: the alien’s spaceship.

Ama’s descendant KALA lives on Planet Ki. When a fabled star garden is discovered, ACCORD—a mysterious organization—plan to use it to rule the cosmos. But no one on Ki can imagine, except for Kala. Unaware of Kala's ability, ACCORD abducts imagination-blessed children from Earth's past. When Kala secretly syncs with the star garden, she hears a voice bad mouthing this just seems jarring and out of place her across time. Leo has the crazy idea that she knows how to retrieve some ‘artefact’ and prevent Armageddon. The voice of this sentence is completely different from the rest of the query.  Instead of "crazy idea" and "some artefact" I think you should try to refine it to match the tone of the rest of the query

But Kala has problems of her own. ACCORD are out of control. They murdered the king and installed a proxy ruler: Kala’s stinking sludgeslug brother. What’s more, they know Kala can imagine and that makes her a threat. Kala will fight to avenge her father. Spilling her brother’s brains should be easy again, I have an issue with the voice of this just sounding out of place with the rest of the query, but to take down ACCORD, Kala must understand the nefarious force at its helm.

Ama’s memories may hold the answer.

THE THINGS YOU CAN”T IMAGINE is my YA scifi debut, complete at 95,000 words.

I agree with rhwashere about removing half of Kala's story.  I've cut and pasted and retwiddled what I think the strongest parts of Kala's paragraph are.

 

Ama’s descendant KALA lives on Planet Ki. When a fabled star garden is discovered, ACCORD—a mysterious organization—plan to use it to rule the cosmos. But no one on Ki can imagine, except for Kala.  ACCORD are out of control, murdering the King and installing a proxy ruler.  To take down ACCORD, Kala must understand the nefarious force at its helm. 

 

When Kala secretly syncs with the star garden, she hears a voice calling her across time.  It's Leo, thinking she knows how to retrieve an artefact and prevent the apocalypse.  (I put the part about Leo second, only because the query so far shows Leo, Ama, and then Kala.  Then the very last paragraph talks about Ama.  I think bridging with Leo instead of introducing Kala's story with him would make the transition between the three stories smoother.)

 

Ama’s memories may hold the answer.



#65 Wayfarer

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Posted 13 March 2018 - 02:04 PM

LEO has never seen anything like the golden orb his dad brings home from the museum. The artefact is an ancient Sumerian video camera, and 5000 years ago, Ama used it to record his memories. After masked thugs steal the artefact, Leo starts having apocalyptic visions and dreaming of a ten-foot-tall girl.

AMA frees his sister from a ziggurat where aliens syphon children’s imaginations to fuel star gardens. Star gardens give their users god-like power. Anything imaginable becomes possible. Travelling through time, extinguishing stars and shattering worlds are only a thought away. Releasing the children wakes a Sumerian god. When the god floods the city, there is only one escape: the alien’s spaceship.

Ama’s descendant KALA lives on Planet Ki. When a fabled star garden is discovered, ACCORD—a mysterious organization—plan to use it to rule the cosmos. But no one on Ki can imagine, except for Kala. Unaware of Kala's ability, ACCORD abducts imagination-blessed children from Earth's past. When Kala secretly syncs with the star garden, she hears a voice bad mouthing her across time. Leo has the crazy idea that she knows how to retrieve some ‘artefact’ and prevent Armageddon.

But Kala has problems of her own. ACCORD are out of control. They murdered the king and installed a proxy ruler: Kala’s stinking sludgeslug brother. What’s more, they know Kala can imagine and that makes her a threat. Kala will fight to avenge her father. Spilling her brother’s brains should be easy, but to take down ACCORD, Kala must understand the nefarious force at its helm.

Ama’s memories may hold the answer.

THE THINGS YOU CAN”T IMAGINE is my YA scifi debut, complete at 95,000 words.

Only thing I would add is a note before the query that this is multi-pov, just to avoid confusion. Otherwise this is looking great.



#66 RegE

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Posted 21 April 2018 - 03:04 AM

.



#67 RegE

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Posted 21 April 2018 - 09:16 PM

.



#68 RegE

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Posted 25 April 2018 - 05:06 AM

Hello! Just wanted to ask a favour of all the active users here. So I thought my query was ready to go. I sent it out to around 30 agents and received a handful of form rejections, but a majority of no responses!!

I think my pages weren't quite good enough. As a result I'm going over my draft and changing both the tense and perspective, which is a big job! I will then query again.

Do you think my query needs work, or is the query great and the pages must have let me down?!

What do you think of my comps? I didn't include these comps in the queries I sent out.

Below is a version of the query, similar to the one I sent out. Thanks for your help. I will crit in return for comments!

In THE THINGS YOU CAN”T IMAGINE the strangeness of Borne meets All the Birds in the Sky with a splash of Bloodtide’s gore. My SFF debut THE THINGS YOU CAN’T IMAGINE is told from multiple POVs and is complete at 95,000 words.

LEO has never seen anything like the golden orb before. The artefact is an ancient Sumerian video camera, and 5000 years ago, a boy called Ama used it to record his memories. When masked thugs steal the artefact, Leo must get it back or his end of the world visions will come true.

In the ancient past, AMA frees his sister from a ziggurat where aliens syphon children’s imaginations to fuel star gardens. Star gardens give their users god-like power. Anything imaginable becomes possible. Traveling through time, extinguishing stars and shattering worlds are only a thought away. But releasing the children wakes a Sumerian god. When the god floods the city, there is only one escape: the alien’s spaceship.

In the distant future, Ama’s descendant KALA lives on Planet Ki. When a fabled star garden is discovered, a mysterious, but powerful organization plan to use it to rule the cosmos. The problem is, no one on Ki can imagine, except for Kala. When Kala secretly syncs with the star garden. She hears a voice calling to her across time. Leo thinks that she can retrieve some ‘artefact’ and prevent the apocalypse.

Kala has problems of her own. The organization are out of control. They murdered the king and installed a proxy ruler. What’s more, they found out Kala can imagine and that makes her a target. Kala will fight, but to take down the organization, she needs to understand the nefarious force at its helm.

Ama’s memories may hold the answer.



#69 Tanja

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Posted 25 April 2018 - 05:42 AM

Hi. Happy to help if I can. I've been through the query process with another project than the one I recently posted and had some bites. What did let me down wasn't the query, it was the story itself as it wasn't outstanding enough to compete with the wide range of stories out there.

So I'm pointing out the main issues that jumped at me when I looked at your query.

 

 

In THE THINGS YOU CAN”T IMAGINE the strangeness of Borne meets All the Birds in the Sky with a splash of Bloodtide’s gore. My SFF debut THE THINGS YOU CAN’T IMAGINE is told from multiple POVs and is complete at 95,000 words.  Agents prefer having this at the end of the query.

 

LEO names are only in capitol in the synopsis, not in the query. In both they are never bold. has never seen anything like the golden orb before.  The artefact is an ancient Sumerian video camera, and 5000 years ago, a boy called Ama used it to record his memories. When masked thugs steal the artefact,  Leo must get it back or his end of the world visions will come true. not too sure how the end of the world vision suddenly comes into the story. More detail would help.

 

In the ancient past, AMA frees his sister from a ziggurat where aliens syphon children’s imaginations to fuel star gardens not sure if it's me, but I can't quite grasp this sentence. . Star gardens give their users god-like power. Anything imaginable becomes possible. Traveling through time, extinguishing stars and shattering worlds are only a thought away. But releasing the children wakes a Sumerian god. When the god floods the city, there is only one escape: the alien’s spaceship.

 

In the distant future, Ama’s descendant KALA lives on Planet Ki. When a fabled star garden is discovered, a mysterious, but powerful organization plan to use it to rule the cosmos. The problem is, no one on Ki can imagine, except for Kala. When Kala secretly syncs with the star garden. She hears a voice calling to her across time. Leo thinks that she can retrieve some ‘artefact’ and prevent the apocalypse.

 

Kala has problems of her own. The organization are out of control. They murdered the king and installed a proxy ruler. What’s more, they found out Kala can imagine and that makes her a target.  Kala will fight, but to take down ACCORD how does accord suddenly come into the story?, she needs to understand the nefarious force at its helm.

 

Ama’s memories may hold the answer.

 

I think the main issue is that you, and that's an assumption, dig too deep into the story and that's why the core of your query gets lost. One of the very best suggestions I had when I tackled my first query was to concentrate on the first 50 pages of the book. And then use the last para to go into the stakes. And I think that's what you should try with your query and I'm sure it'll come out a lot better.

 

Good luck


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#70 RegE

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Posted 25 April 2018 - 07:20 AM

Thanks Tanja. The reason my query is not just the first 50 pages is because I have three POVs taking place during different time periods and they only come together near the end of the book. I wanted to be able to link them together in my query, hence why my query feels like it covers alot. Thanks for your comments.

 

Here's a slightly edited down version.  

 

In THE THINGS YOU CAN”T IMAGINE the strangeness of Borne meets All the Birds in the Sky with a splash of Bloodtide’s gore. My SFF debut THE THINGS YOU CAN’T IMAGINE is told from multiple POVs and is complete at 95,000 words. 

 

LEO has never seen anything like the golden orb before.  The artefact is an ancient Sumerian video camera, and 5000 years ago, a boy called Ama used it to record his memories. When masked thugs steal the artefact,  Leo must get it back or his end of the world visions will come true.

 

In the ancient past, AMA rescues his sister from aliens who syphon children’s imaginations to fuel star gardens. Star gardens give their users god-like power. Anything imaginable becomes possible. Traveling through time, extinguishing stars and shattering worlds are only a thought away. But releasing the children wakes a Sumerian god. When the god floods the city, there is only one escape: the alien’s spaceship.

 

In the distant future, Ama’s descendants discover a fabled star garden. A mysterious and powerful organization plan to use it to rule the cosmos, but no one on Planet Ki can imagine, except for Kala. To stop the organization Kala secretly syncs with the star garden. She hears a voice calling to her across time. Leo thinks that she can retrieve some ‘artefact’ and prevent the apocalypse.

 

But Kala has problems of her own. The organization are out of control. They murdered the king and installed a proxy ruler. What’s more, they found out Kala can imagine and that makes her a target.  Kala will fight, but to take down the organization, she needs to understand the nefarious force at its helm.

 

Ama’s memories may hold the answer.



#71 Tanja

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Posted 25 April 2018 - 07:50 AM

Thanks for the explanation about the three POV's and the time frame. You could add it to the end to the query

 

In THE THINGS YOU CAN”T IMAGINE the strangeness of Borne meets All the Birds in the Sky with a splash of Bloodtide’s gore. My SFF debut THE THINGS YOU CAN’T IMAGINE is told from multiple POVs and is complete at 95,000 words.  Again agents prefer to see this at the end, especially the word count. There are ways to put it at the beginning, and I have seen successful queries doing that, but that's usually tricky. What bugs me the most is that you repeat the title of the book within a short time.  I also notice now that you don't mention the age group. Adult, YA etc. that's important in a query.

 

LEO still the issue that names are never capitol in the query. Only in the synopsis. has never seen anything like the golden orb before.  The artefact is an ancient Sumerian video camera, and 5000 years ago, a boy called Ama used it to record his memories. When masked thugs steal the artefact,  Leo must get it back or his end of the world visions will come true. Suggestion how to rephrase for the sake of readability. The artefact is an ancient Sumerian video camera, and 5000 years old. A boy called Ama used it to record his memories, but when masked thugs steal the artefact, Leo must get it back or his end of the world vision will come true.

I would still like to know what his end of the world vision is. In other words, why does he have the vision?

 

In the ancient past, AMA same as above. Not capitol or bold rescues his sister from aliens who syphon children’s imaginations to fuel star gardens. Star gardens give their users god-like power. Anything imaginable becomes possible. Traveling through time, extinguishing stars and shattering worlds are only a thought away. But releasing the children wakes a Sumerian god. When the god floods the city, there is only one escape: the alien’s spaceship.

 

In the distant future, Ama’s descendants discover a fabled star garden. A mysterious and powerful organization plans to use it to rule the cosmos, but no one on Planet Ki can imagine imagine what? the sentence confused me, except for Kala. To stop the organization Kala secretly syncs with the star garden. She hears a voice calling to her across time. Leo thinks that she can retrieve some ‘artefact’ and prevent the apocalypse.This seems to hang here lose. If it's important, try to give it more detail. Especially since you jump from Kara to Leo. What I mean by that is, you jump from Kara hearing voices to Leo thinking. I kind of struggle to connect the two. I have an idea what you're trying to say, but more detail would help

 

But Kala has problems of her own. The organization is there a name to the organization? are out of control. They murdered the king and installed a proxy ruler. What’s more, they found out Kala can imagine and that makes her a target.  Kala will fight, but to take down ACCORD I still can't figure out how accord fits into the story, she needs to understand the nefarious force at its helm.

 

Ama’s memories may hold the answer. I don't think that adds to the stakes.

 

Overall better, but it still needs more detail. Good luck


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#72 Tanja

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Posted 25 April 2018 - 07:52 AM

I actually just  had a look at the previous version and there you mention Accord as the organization much earlier in the query. Do the same it this version to avoid confusion.


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#73 RegE

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Posted 25 April 2018 - 08:19 AM

Thanks again for your comments. I intended to change the final instance of ACCORD to the organization! I just forgot. I already have a lot of names, so I wanted to delete ACCORD and just use a generic title. 



#74 Tanja

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Posted 25 April 2018 - 08:30 AM

You do have a lot of names, but I think it won't hurt to use Accord as 'the organization' kind of reads a little ... vague is probably the best way to put it. Plus it makes it easier to connect Accord to the whole query. Just a suggestion. Others might think differently.


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#75 RosieSkye

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Posted 27 April 2018 - 10:39 AM

 

Thanks Tanja. The reason my query is not just the first 50 pages is because I have three POVs taking place during different time periods and they only come together near the end of the book. I wanted to be able to link them together in my query, hence why my query feels like it covers alot. Thanks for your comments.

 

Here's a slightly edited down version.  

 

In THE THINGS YOU CAN”T (a typo five words into your query will mean an auto-reject from the most agents) IMAGINE the strangeness of Borne meets All the Birds in the Sky with a splash of Bloodtide’s gore. My SFF debut THE THINGS YOU CAN’T IMAGINE is told from multiple POVs and is complete at 95,000 words. "THE THINGS YOU CAN'T IMAGINE is a work of science fiction, complete at 95,000 words.  It'll appeal to fans of...."  And move all this to the bottom.

 

LEO (keep character names in ordinary type) has never seen anything like the golden orb before.  The artefact is an ancient Sumerian video camera (huh?), and 5000 years ago, a boy called Ama used it to record his memories. When masked thugs steal the artefact,  Leo must get it back or his end of the world visions will come true. (I think you need a different way to describe the orb. "A mystical relic that can record human memory" or something like that.  "Ancient Sumerian video camera" just sounds strange.)

 

In the ancient past, AMA rescues his sister from aliens who syphon children’s imaginations to fuel star gardens. Star gardens give their users god-like power. Anything imaginable becomes possible. Traveling through time, extinguishing stars and shattering worlds are only a thought away. But when Ama released (keep your main characters present) releasing the children (did he release a bunch of them, or just his sister?) wakes he awoke a Sumerian god. When the god floods the city, there is only one escape: the alien’s aliens' spaceship.

 

In the distant future, Ama’s descendants discover a fabled star garden. A mysterious and powerful organization plan to use it to rule the cosmos, but no one on Planet Ki can imagine has the power of imagination, except for Kala. (If she's another main character, introduce her at the top of your paragraph. And why is she the only one who can imagine things?) To stop the organization Kala secretly syncs with the star garden. She hears a voice calling to her across time. Leo thinks that she can retrieve some ‘artefact’ and prevent the apocalypse.

 

But Kala has problems of her own. The organization are is out of control. They murdered the king and installed a proxy ruler. What’s more, they found out discovered Kala can imagine and that makes her a target.  Kala will fight, but to take down the organization, she needs to understand the nefarious force at its helm.

 

Ama’s memories may hold the answer.

 

 

 

Hope this helps!



#76 RegE

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Posted 29 April 2018 - 03:13 AM

THanks Rosie. It really helps. I appreciate your crit.



#77 Tanja

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Posted 29 April 2018 - 03:29 AM

This is just a thought. Is there maybe a way to create a hook using the three time frames together and then go into detail about everyone's journey?


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#78 RegE

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Posted 29 April 2018 - 10:38 PM

It's a good idea, but I'm not sure how to do it without sounding cheesy. 

 

For example - Three people connected through time and space by a mystical artefact. The fate of the universe is in their hands. = Cheesy!!

 

I'd love some suggestions for hook / tag lines



#79 Tanja

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Posted 30 April 2018 - 03:55 AM

That's not a bad start at all. You can also turn it around. A magical artifact holds the future of three people connected thought time in its hands. It's not perfect and I don't like the word People. Play with it. Put it in your head. Go over and over it and look at it from every angle and suddenly the answer will come when you least expect it. Usually just when you want to sleep. Write down all the ideas coming to you.


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#80 RegE

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Posted 16 May 2018 - 09:44 PM

Hi Everyone! I'm back with this way shorter, more concise version of my query.

 

Thanks! :)

 

Dear ________,

 

Leo has never seen anything like the  mystical Sumerian relic. 5000 years ago, a boy called Ama used it to record his memories. When masked thugs steal the relic,  Leo must get it backThe relic's secrets could prevent the apocalypse.

 

In ancient Sumeria, Ama rescues his sister from aliens who syphon children’s imaginations to fuel Star Gardens, a technology which gives their user immense power. But releasing Ama’s sister wakes a Sumerian god, and when the god floods the city, there is only one escape: the aliens spaceship.

 

In the future, Ama’s descendant princess Ka-la lives on a planet devoid of imagination. Ka-la discovers that she is one of only a few with the ability to imagine, putting her on a collision course with ACCORD, an organization bent on using the Star Gardens to rule the galaxy.  

 

Leo thinks Ka-la is the key to preventing the end of his world. Ka-la will fight ACCORD, but first she must understand the evil force at its helm. Ama’s memories hold the answers.

 

(name omitted) is a science fantasy, which will appeal to fans of the surrealness of Jeff Vandermeer’s Borne, the SFF world in Charlie Jane Ander’s All the Birds in the Sky, and the gore in Melvin Burgess’s Bloodtide.  (name) is told from multiple POVs and is complete at 95,000 words. 






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