So, I've listened to all the advice i've received: simplifying, cutting extraneous nouns, but most importantly, bringing the storylines together at the end of the query instead of just saying "worlds collide"!! I think this new query is shorter, snappier and hopefully makes some sense!
Three timelines. One thread weaving them together. Imagination. This start doesn't grab me.
15-year-old Leo’s If you're doing the bolded name thing, I would take out the contraction just to keep the structure/remove confusion (Leo has) never seen anything like the golden orb before. It’s different from the other artefacts his dad brings home from the museum. It turns out that the orb is an ancient Sumerian video camera, and five thousand years ago a boy called Ama used it to record his memories.
Ama, no comma must free his sister from The Hive, a fortress where alien’s aliens? syphon children’s imaginations to fuel star gardens: a technology used to control the cosmos. But releasing the children wakes the Sumerian pantheon, and when the god of storms, again no comma floods the city, there is only one escape: the sky boat at the hive’s pinnacle. capitalize hive?
On Planet Ki, Ama’s descendant Kala finds out that she is an Anomaly: one of a few people who still possess true imagination and can work the fabled star gardens. She must keep the knowledge a secret or risk becoming a test subject like the children ACCORD—a powerful but mysterious organization—abducted from Earth. This sentence could read smoother, particularly the children ACCORD bit
When Kala discovers that ACCORD plan to use the star gardens and children as weapons, she looks to planet Earth for answers. But the Earth she sees is a frozen wasteland, devoid of life. Then, she hears a voice calling to her through space and across the years.
Leo needs her help, but Kala’s got enough troubles of her own. This is cool, but it begs the question why Leo needs help, when it seems Kala should be the one needing help, and Leo the one with enough troubles of his own.
THE THINGS YOU CAN”T IMAGINE is my YA SCIFI debut, complete at 95,000.
Yes, this is much better! It grabs my attention in a few places, but I think it needs more clarification and tweaking before it's fully there. I definitely agree that it was a breakthrough!