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Zonations (New title. Previously - The Things You Can't Imagine)


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#101 RegE

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Posted 05 June 2018 - 09:40 PM

Do you think I need a bridge between Ka-la thinking ACCORD are good then discovering they are bad? Soomething like ..It becomes clear ACCORD are not the benevelent force Ka-la believed when.....

 

When Princess Ka-la’s ancestor, Ama, descended from space millenia ago, he brought the Star Gardens with him. The imagination-fueled technology makes everything possible. Travelling through time, birthing stars and communicating with other worlds are all just a thought away.

 

Ka-la is sure Star Gardens are a myth, until her brother, Shamash, discovers one. ACCORD--a mysterious, technocratic organization--declare that Shamash is the prophesied Saviour. To Ka-la, Shamash is a cowardly sludge slug who stumbled upon the Star Gardens by mistake, but ACCORD knows best. After all, they saved civilization when it was on the brink of destruction.

When Shamash kills their father to become ruler, Ka-la vows to spill her brother’s brains. Now, with Shamash as their proxy, ACCORD have unbridled power. They
 use the Star Garden to threaten the annihilation of a newly discovered world. Only Ka-la possesses the weapon that can stop them. True imagination. But first, she must understand the nefarious, alien force at ACCORD’s helm.

 

The answers lie in an ancient relic on Ama’s home-world, Planet Earth.

 

Told from the perspective of Ama in the ancient past, Ka-la in the distant future and Leo on present-day Earth. Complete at ___ (Name) will appeal to fans of Jeff Vandermeer’s Borne, Charlie Jane Ander’s All the Birds in the Sky, and Melvin Burgess’s Bloodtide. (Name) is a science fantasy novel and it is the first in a potential series.



#102 yawriter

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Posted 06 June 2018 - 06:57 PM

First off, thank you for your help on my query 

 

When Princess Ka-la’s ancestor, Ama, descended from space millenia ago, he brought the Star Gardens with him. The imagination-fueled technology makes everything possible. Travelling through time, birthing stars and communicating with other worlds are all just a thought away.The only thing that bugs me is saying "Ka-la" I don't know who that is or if it's an entire race. I think Ama is the most important person here... I'm assuming, since I haven't read it all yet. 

 

Ka-la is sure Star Gardens are a myth, until her brother, Shamash, discovers one. ACCORD-The capitalization of this makes me think it's an acronym...I think the "A mysterious," is your attempt at the explanation, but it's not clear and I don't see how it relates to the word accord...-a mysterious, technocratic organization--declare that Shamash is the prophesied Saviour. To Ka-la, Shamash is a cowardly sludge slug who stumbled upon the Star Gardens by mistake, but ACCORD knows best. After all, they saved civilization when it was on the brink of destruction.

When Shamash kills their father to become ruler, Ka-la vows to spill her brother’s brains. Now, with Shamash as their proxy, ACCORD have unbridled power. They use the Star Garden to threaten the annihilation of a newly discovered world. Only Ka-la possesses the weapon that can stop them. True imagination. Isn't all imagination "true"? What would be false imagination? I think "that can stop them...imagination" would be more impactful? But first, she must understand the nefarious, alien force at ACCORD’s helm.

 

The answers lie in an ancient relic on Ama’s home-world, Planet Earth. ​ 

 

Told from the perspective of Ama in the ancient past, Ka-la in the distant future and Leo on present-day Earth. Complete at ___ (Name) will appeal to fans of Jeff Vandermeer’s Borne, Charlie Jane Ander’s All the Birds in the Sky, and Melvin Burgess’s Bloodtide. (Name) is a science fantasy novel and it is the first in a potential series.

 

Great job! I hope this helped. 



#103 RegE

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Posted 21 June 2018 - 10:51 PM

Coming to the end of another round of revisions, including a change in tense and perspective. Hoping this is almost ready to send out. Can any of you suggest ways I might improve the query and make it stronger. Or if not, I would love to finally hear this is good to go (with perhaps a few tweaks!) Thanks in advance. You have already helped me sooo much. 

 

Princess Ka-la’s ancestor, Ama, descended from space millenia ago, bringing the Star Gardens with him. The imagination-fueled technology makes everything possible. Travelling through time, birthing stars and communicating with other worlds are all just a thought away.

 

Ka-la is sure Star Gardens are a myth, until her brother, Shamash, discovers one. ACCORD--a mysterious, technocratic organization--declare that Shamash is the prophesied Saviour, but to Ka-la, Shamash is a cowardly sludge-slug who stumbled upon the Star Gardens by mistake.

 

When Shamash kills their father to become ruler, Ka-la vows to spill her brother’s brains. Now, with Shamash as their proxy, ACCORD have unbridled power. They use the Star Garden to threaten the annihilation of a newly discovered world. Only Ka-la possesses the weapon that can stop them. True imagination. But first, she must understand the nefarious, alien force at ACCORD’s helm.

 

The answers lie in an ancient relic on Ama’s home-world, Planet Earth.

 

Told from the perspective of Ama in the ancient past, Ka-la in the distant future and Leo on present-day Earth. Complete at ___ (Name) will appeal to fans of Jeff Vandermeer’s BORNE, Charlie Jane Ander’s ALL THE BIRDS IN THE SKY, and Melvin Burgess’s BLOODTIDE. (Name) is a science fantasy novel and it is the first in a potential series.



#104 cmmg

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Posted 24 June 2018 - 09:03 AM

Coming to the end of another round of revisions, including a change in tense and perspective. Hoping this is almost ready to send out. Can any of you suggest ways I might improve the query and make it stronger. Or if not, I would love to finally hear this is good to go (with perhaps a few tweaks!) Thanks in advance. You have already helped me sooo much. 

 

Princess Ka-la’s ancestor, Ama, descended from space millennia ago, bringing the Star Gardens with him. The imagination-fueled technology makes anything possible: travelling through time, birthing stars and communicating with other worlds are all just a thought away (I feel like without the edits these sentences and cluases are too similar so the rhythm is off.).

 

Ka-la is sure Star Gardens are a myth, until her brother, Shamash, discovers one. ACCORD--a mysterious, technocratic organization--declare that Shamash is the prophesied Saviour,(this coudl be punched up or better connect to explain why. For instance. "Ka-la is sure Star Gardens are a myth. But when her brother uncovers one and attracts [a huge following of some kind/powers/some kind of reason] ACCORD--...--declare that..." If that that makes sense. I think it seems to feel more developed and connected to give a sense of plot moving) but to Ka-la, Shamash is a cowardly sludge-slug who stumbled upon the Star Gardens by mistake.

 

When Shamash kills their father to become ruler, Ka-la vows to spill her brother’s brains. Now,Worse, (I feel like Now would have worked if you didn't mention the clause with Ka-la after Shamash kills their dad. Because you do it seems almost like "now, that Ka-la has vowed to spill her brother's brains, with Shamash as thier proxy" which doesn't work as well. Saying "Worse" or anything that doesn't reference the previous sentence exactly, and the last clause, I think would flow better) with Shamash as their proxy, ACCORD have unbridled power. They use the Star Garden to threaten the annihilation of a newly discovered world. Only Ka-la possesses the weapon that can stop them. True imagination. But first, she must understand the nefarious, alien force at ACCORD’s helm.

 

The answers lie in an ancient relic on Ama’s home-world, Planet Earth.

 

Told from the perspective of Ama in the ancient past, Ka-la in the distant future and Leo on present-day Earth. Complete at ___ (Name) will appeal to fans of Jeff Vandermeer’s BORNE, Charlie Jane Ander’s ALL THE BIRDS IN THE SKY, and Melvin Burgess’s BLOODTIDE. (Name) is a science fantasy novel and it is the first in a potential series.

 

I definitely think that the progression and elements here are pretty good, and what needs work is a bit of voice, prose level stuff and keeping everything connected and feeling like it develops. The only other thing is it's not clear why True Imagination would stop ACCORD. Technically, if ACCORD is using the Star Garden, it's sort of implying they have some imagination. I don't know if cutting that would help you (it would make things less confusing, but it would also cut out an important element) but you can add something about how true imagination would stop accord, since now it feels very deus-ex-machina, "trust me, this mythical weapon will defeat the evil" type of thing, without explaining why.

 

I'm also not sure why you cut the line "After all, they saved civilization when it was on the brink of destruction"


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#105 RegE

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Posted 01 July 2018 - 08:27 PM

Hi all. Sooo, I think I'm nearing a final version. But first, I'm going to reach out to you one more time.

 

1) Line edits. Grammar, sentence structure etc. I just want to know if there are any tweaks I could make that will improve the flow. 

 

2) What do you think of the new title? - Zonations. Is it to close to Z nation, which I've discovered is  a popular TV series ?! :/  I really like the title so hope that this similarity doesn't mean I have to scrap it! 

 

3) I want to include Ka-la's age. She is 15. It doesn't work to place it in the first para. Maybe include at the beginning of the second?

 

 

 

Princess Ka-la’s ancestor, Ama, descended from space millenia ago, bringing the Star Gardens with him. The imagination-fueled technology makes anything possible: travelling through time, birthing stars and communicating with other worlds are all just a thought away.

 

Ka-la is sure Star Gardens are a myth, until her brother, Shamash, discovers one in the mountains. A technocratic organization called ACCORD declare that Shamash is the prophesied Saviour, but in Ka-la’s eyes, Shamash is a cowardly sludge-slug who stumbled upon the Star Gardens by mistake. Surely ACCORD knows best. Afterall, they saved civilization when it was on the brink of destruction.

 

But ACCORD are not as benevolent as Ka-la believes. When they recruit Shamash to kill the king and install him as ruler, Ka-la vows revenge. Worse, with Shamash as their proxy, ACCORD have unbridled power. They use the Star Garden to threaten the annihilation of a newly discovered world. Ka-la possesses the only weapon that can stop them, but first, she must understand the nefarious, alien force at ACCORD’s helm.

 

The answers lie in an ancient relic on Ama’s home-world, Planet Earth.

 

Told from the perspective of Ama in the ancient past, Ka-la in the distant future and Leo on present-day Earth. Complete at ___ (Name) will appeal to fans of Jeff Vandermeer’s BORNE, Charlie Jane Ander’s ALL THE BIRDS IN THE SKY, and Melvin Burgess’s BLOODTIDE. (Name) is a science fantasy novel and it is the first in a potential series.






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