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Zonations (New title. Previously - The Things You Can't Imagine)


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#101 RegE

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Posted 05 June 2018 - 09:40 PM

Do you think I need a bridge between Ka-la thinking ACCORD are good then discovering they are bad? Soomething like ..It becomes clear ACCORD are not the benevelent force Ka-la believed when.....

 

When Princess Ka-la’s ancestor, Ama, descended from space millenia ago, he brought the Star Gardens with him. The imagination-fueled technology makes everything possible. Travelling through time, birthing stars and communicating with other worlds are all just a thought away.

 

Ka-la is sure Star Gardens are a myth, until her brother, Shamash, discovers one. ACCORD--a mysterious, technocratic organization--declare that Shamash is the prophesied Saviour. To Ka-la, Shamash is a cowardly sludge slug who stumbled upon the Star Gardens by mistake, but ACCORD knows best. After all, they saved civilization when it was on the brink of destruction.

When Shamash kills their father to become ruler, Ka-la vows to spill her brother’s brains. Now, with Shamash as their proxy, ACCORD have unbridled power. They
 use the Star Garden to threaten the annihilation of a newly discovered world. Only Ka-la possesses the weapon that can stop them. True imagination. But first, she must understand the nefarious, alien force at ACCORD’s helm.

 

The answers lie in an ancient relic on Ama’s home-world, Planet Earth.

 

Told from the perspective of Ama in the ancient past, Ka-la in the distant future and Leo on present-day Earth. Complete at ___ (Name) will appeal to fans of Jeff Vandermeer’s Borne, Charlie Jane Ander’s All the Birds in the Sky, and Melvin Burgess’s Bloodtide. (Name) is a science fantasy novel and it is the first in a potential series.



#102 yawriter

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Posted 06 June 2018 - 06:57 PM

First off, thank you for your help on my query 

 

When Princess Ka-la’s ancestor, Ama, descended from space millenia ago, he brought the Star Gardens with him. The imagination-fueled technology makes everything possible. Travelling through time, birthing stars and communicating with other worlds are all just a thought away.The only thing that bugs me is saying "Ka-la" I don't know who that is or if it's an entire race. I think Ama is the most important person here... I'm assuming, since I haven't read it all yet. 

 

Ka-la is sure Star Gardens are a myth, until her brother, Shamash, discovers one. ACCORD-The capitalization of this makes me think it's an acronym...I think the "A mysterious," is your attempt at the explanation, but it's not clear and I don't see how it relates to the word accord...-a mysterious, technocratic organization--declare that Shamash is the prophesied Saviour. To Ka-la, Shamash is a cowardly sludge slug who stumbled upon the Star Gardens by mistake, but ACCORD knows best. After all, they saved civilization when it was on the brink of destruction.

When Shamash kills their father to become ruler, Ka-la vows to spill her brother’s brains. Now, with Shamash as their proxy, ACCORD have unbridled power. They use the Star Garden to threaten the annihilation of a newly discovered world. Only Ka-la possesses the weapon that can stop them. True imagination. Isn't all imagination "true"? What would be false imagination? I think "that can stop them...imagination" would be more impactful? But first, she must understand the nefarious, alien force at ACCORD’s helm.

 

The answers lie in an ancient relic on Ama’s home-world, Planet Earth. ​ 

 

Told from the perspective of Ama in the ancient past, Ka-la in the distant future and Leo on present-day Earth. Complete at ___ (Name) will appeal to fans of Jeff Vandermeer’s Borne, Charlie Jane Ander’s All the Birds in the Sky, and Melvin Burgess’s Bloodtide. (Name) is a science fantasy novel and it is the first in a potential series.

 

Great job! I hope this helped. 


Query- The City's Whispers: http://agentquerycon...critique-back/ 

Query-TOOWCHM: http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/

Synopsis- The City's Whispers: http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/

First 250 words: http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/

 


#103 RegE

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Posted 21 June 2018 - 10:51 PM

Coming to the end of another round of revisions, including a change in tense and perspective. Hoping this is almost ready to send out. Can any of you suggest ways I might improve the query and make it stronger. Or if not, I would love to finally hear this is good to go (with perhaps a few tweaks!) Thanks in advance. You have already helped me sooo much. 

 

Princess Ka-la’s ancestor, Ama, descended from space millenia ago, bringing the Star Gardens with him. The imagination-fueled technology makes everything possible. Travelling through time, birthing stars and communicating with other worlds are all just a thought away.

 

Ka-la is sure Star Gardens are a myth, until her brother, Shamash, discovers one. ACCORD--a mysterious, technocratic organization--declare that Shamash is the prophesied Saviour, but to Ka-la, Shamash is a cowardly sludge-slug who stumbled upon the Star Gardens by mistake.

 

When Shamash kills their father to become ruler, Ka-la vows to spill her brother’s brains. Now, with Shamash as their proxy, ACCORD have unbridled power. They use the Star Garden to threaten the annihilation of a newly discovered world. Only Ka-la possesses the weapon that can stop them. True imagination. But first, she must understand the nefarious, alien force at ACCORD’s helm.

 

The answers lie in an ancient relic on Ama’s home-world, Planet Earth.

 

Told from the perspective of Ama in the ancient past, Ka-la in the distant future and Leo on present-day Earth. Complete at ___ (Name) will appeal to fans of Jeff Vandermeer’s BORNE, Charlie Jane Ander’s ALL THE BIRDS IN THE SKY, and Melvin Burgess’s BLOODTIDE. (Name) is a science fantasy novel and it is the first in a potential series.



#104 cmmg

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Posted 24 June 2018 - 09:03 AM

Coming to the end of another round of revisions, including a change in tense and perspective. Hoping this is almost ready to send out. Can any of you suggest ways I might improve the query and make it stronger. Or if not, I would love to finally hear this is good to go (with perhaps a few tweaks!) Thanks in advance. You have already helped me sooo much. 

 

Princess Ka-la’s ancestor, Ama, descended from space millennia ago, bringing the Star Gardens with him. The imagination-fueled technology makes anything possible: travelling through time, birthing stars and communicating with other worlds are all just a thought away (I feel like without the edits these sentences and cluases are too similar so the rhythm is off.).

 

Ka-la is sure Star Gardens are a myth, until her brother, Shamash, discovers one. ACCORD--a mysterious, technocratic organization--declare that Shamash is the prophesied Saviour,(this coudl be punched up or better connect to explain why. For instance. "Ka-la is sure Star Gardens are a myth. But when her brother uncovers one and attracts [a huge following of some kind/powers/some kind of reason] ACCORD--...--declare that..." If that that makes sense. I think it seems to feel more developed and connected to give a sense of plot moving) but to Ka-la, Shamash is a cowardly sludge-slug who stumbled upon the Star Gardens by mistake.

 

When Shamash kills their father to become ruler, Ka-la vows to spill her brother’s brains. Now,Worse, (I feel like Now would have worked if you didn't mention the clause with Ka-la after Shamash kills their dad. Because you do it seems almost like "now, that Ka-la has vowed to spill her brother's brains, with Shamash as thier proxy" which doesn't work as well. Saying "Worse" or anything that doesn't reference the previous sentence exactly, and the last clause, I think would flow better) with Shamash as their proxy, ACCORD have unbridled power. They use the Star Garden to threaten the annihilation of a newly discovered world. Only Ka-la possesses the weapon that can stop them. True imagination. But first, she must understand the nefarious, alien force at ACCORD’s helm.

 

The answers lie in an ancient relic on Ama’s home-world, Planet Earth.

 

Told from the perspective of Ama in the ancient past, Ka-la in the distant future and Leo on present-day Earth. Complete at ___ (Name) will appeal to fans of Jeff Vandermeer’s BORNE, Charlie Jane Ander’s ALL THE BIRDS IN THE SKY, and Melvin Burgess’s BLOODTIDE. (Name) is a science fantasy novel and it is the first in a potential series.

 

I definitely think that the progression and elements here are pretty good, and what needs work is a bit of voice, prose level stuff and keeping everything connected and feeling like it develops. The only other thing is it's not clear why True Imagination would stop ACCORD. Technically, if ACCORD is using the Star Garden, it's sort of implying they have some imagination. I don't know if cutting that would help you (it would make things less confusing, but it would also cut out an important element) but you can add something about how true imagination would stop accord, since now it feels very deus-ex-machina, "trust me, this mythical weapon will defeat the evil" type of thing, without explaining why.

 

I'm also not sure why you cut the line "After all, they saved civilization when it was on the brink of destruction"


_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

synopsis


#105 RegE

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Posted 01 July 2018 - 08:27 PM

Hi all. Sooo, I think I'm nearing a final version. But first, I'm going to reach out to you one more time.

 

1) Line edits. Grammar, sentence structure etc. I just want to know if there are any tweaks I could make that will improve the flow. 

 

2) What do you think of the new title? - Zonations. Is it to close to Z nation, which I've discovered is  a popular TV series ?! :/  I really like the title so hope that this similarity doesn't mean I have to scrap it! 

 

3) I want to include Ka-la's age. She is 15. It doesn't work to place it in the first para. Maybe include at the beginning of the second?

 

 

 

Princess Ka-la’s ancestor, Ama, descended from space millenia ago, bringing the Star Gardens with him. The imagination-fueled technology makes anything possible: travelling through time, birthing stars and communicating with other worlds are all just a thought away.

 

Ka-la is sure Star Gardens are a myth, until her brother, Shamash, discovers one in the mountains. A technocratic organization called ACCORD declare that Shamash is the prophesied Saviour, but in Ka-la’s eyes, Shamash is a cowardly sludge-slug who stumbled upon the Star Gardens by mistake. Surely ACCORD knows best. Afterall, they saved civilization when it was on the brink of destruction.

 

But ACCORD are not as benevolent as Ka-la believes. When they recruit Shamash to kill the king and install him as ruler, Ka-la vows revenge. Worse, with Shamash as their proxy, ACCORD have unbridled power. They use the Star Garden to threaten the annihilation of a newly discovered world. Ka-la possesses the only weapon that can stop them, but first, she must understand the nefarious, alien force at ACCORD’s helm.

 

The answers lie in an ancient relic on Ama’s home-world, Planet Earth.

 

Told from the perspective of Ama in the ancient past, Ka-la in the distant future and Leo on present-day Earth. Complete at ___ (Name) will appeal to fans of Jeff Vandermeer’s BORNE, Charlie Jane Ander’s ALL THE BIRDS IN THE SKY, and Melvin Burgess’s BLOODTIDE. (Name) is a science fantasy novel and it is the first in a potential series.



#106 bookgirl_kt

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Posted 20 July 2018 - 11:49 AM

Here are my suggestions: 

 

 

Fifteen year old (I would just stick it here. Every YA query I've seen that includes age just puts it in front of the MC's name, and it didn't seem to detract from the sentence to me) Princess Ka-la’s ancestor, Ama, descended from space millennia ago, bringing the Star Gardens with him. The imagination-fueled technology (imagination-fueled sounds interesting, but it doesn't quite fit with the name "Garden" which made me think this was a physical place/object) makes anything possible: travelling through time, birthing stars and communicating with other worlds are all just a thought away.

 

Ka-la is sure Star Gardens are a myth, until her brother, Shamash, discovers one in the mountains. A technocratic organization called ACCORD declare that Shamash is the prophesied Saviour, but in Ka-la’s eyes, Shamash is a cowardly sludge-slug who stumbled upon the Star Gardens by mistake. Surely ACCORD knows best. Afterall, they saved civilization when it was on the brink of destruction. this paragraph gets a little confusing with the turn-arounds. The Star Gardens were presented as an accepted part of the world, then they're a myth. Ka-la doesn't belive in ACCORD, then she does. I think it's simply a matter of rearranging the sentences so you aren't directly contradicting what you've just said. Also, I really like the voice in this! Sludge-slug is great!

 

But ACCORD are not as benevolent as Ka-la believes. When they recruit Shamash to kill the king (opinion: kill "her father" has more emotional impact than "the king") and install him as ruler, Ka-la vows revenge. Very nice twist. You might have it happen sooner if you can. Worse, with Shamash as their proxy, ACCORD have unbridled power. They use the Star Garden to threaten the annihilation of a newly discovered world. Ka-la possesses the only weapon that can stop them, but first, she must understand the nefarious, alien force at ACCORD’s helm.

 

The answers lie in an ancient relic on Ama’s home-world, Planet Earth. Nice clincher, it's got me intrigued!

 

Told from the perspective of Ama in the ancient past, Ka-la in the distant future and Leo on present-day Earth. Knowing there's another narrator to the book completely changes my perspective of it. If you don't plan to include Leo in the query, maybe he shouldn't be here at all. Complete at ___ (Name) will appeal to fans of Jeff Vandermeer’s BORNE, Charlie Jane Ander’s ALL THE BIRDS IN THE SKY, and Melvin Burgess’s BLOODTIDE. (Name) is a science fantasy novel and it is the first in a potential series.

 

To answer your question: I think Zonations is a cool title. I've never heard of the TV show and I'm not sure it's popular enough to feel like a rip-off.

 

Hope I've helped! This sounds like an interesting story, I love butt-kicking revenge tales. A link to my query is below.



#107 RegE

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Posted 21 July 2018 - 10:28 PM

Latest here and #107

 

Here's the version of the query I sent out to a batch of agents. Only around a week ago, so I'm not sure if it was successful yet!

 

 

Legend says that millennia ago, Ama, descended from space, and brought the Star Gardens with him. The imagination-fueled technology made anything possible: travelling through time, birthing stars and communicating with other worlds were all just a thought away.

 

15-year-old Princess Ka-la is sure Star Gardens are a myth, until her brother, Shamash, discovers one. An organization called ACCORD declare that Shamash is the prophesied Saviour, but to Ka-la, Shamash is a cowardly sludge-slug who stumbled upon the Star Garden by mistake. Surely ACCORD know best? After all, it saved civilization from the brink of destruction.

 

When it recruits Shamash to kill the king, installs him as a proxy ruler, then uses the Star Garden to threaten the annihilation of another world, it’s clear that ACCORD is not the benevolent force Ka-la believed. Ka-la possesses the only weapon that can stop ACCORD. True imagination. But first, she must uncover the truth about the organization’s elusive mysterious 

 

The answers lie in an ancient relic on Ama’s homeworld, Planet Earth. 

 

Since then I decided to revise again. I feel like the query above didn't really introduce Ka-la properly or give as any information about her life, previous to the 'altering event'.  I also didn't think the query adequately reflected the scope of my book, so I've added a few lines at the end that explain the different perspectives the story is told from. Do these changes add to the query, or make it more confusing? Thanks. 

 

15-year-old Princess Ka-la is too focused on the present to worry about the past. She relegates all unimportant memories to her brain integrated computer’s storage. If she isn’t busy foiling plots against her father, she’s fighting to become the victor of an augmented reality game. When her brother, Shamash, discovers a mythical Star Garden, Ka-la searches her archived memories for answers.

 

She recalls the legend that says millennia ago, Ama, descended from space, and brought the imagination-fueled technology known as Star Gardens with him. The Star Gardens make anything possible: travelling through time, creating stars and contacting other worlds are only a thought away.

 

Now that fable has become fact, a powerful organization called ACCORD declare that Shamash is the prophesied saviour. To Ka-la, Shamash is a cowardly sludge-slug who stumbled upon the Star Garden by mistake. But surely ACCORD knows best? After all, it once saved civilization from the brink of destruction.

 

When it recruits Shamash to kill their father, installs him as a proxy ruler, then uses the Star Garden to threaten the annihilation of another world, it’s clear that ACCORD is not the benevolent force Ka-la believed. Ka-la vows revenge. She possesses the only weapon that can stop ACCORD. Real imagination. But first, she must find out the identity of ACCORD’s mysterious leader.

 

The truth lies in an ancient relic on Ama’s homeworld, Planet Earth.

 

ZONATIONS is told from three main perspectives and is complete at 95,000 words. In the ancient past, Ama fights to free his sister from Sumeria's alien overlords. In modern-day England, Leo struggles to understand a strange relic whose revelations could change the world. In the distant future, Ka-la strikes out against the organization who killed her father and now threaten the entire galaxy. 



#108 NCruz

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Posted 27 July 2018 - 06:19 PM



[I automatically prefer this one because you're starting with the protagonist, not backstory.] 15-year-old Princess Ka-la is too focused on the present to worry about the past.[Could replace "present" and "past" with details that fill out the background.] She relegates all unimportant memories to her brain integrated computer’s storage. If she isn’t busy foiling plots against her father, she’s fighting to become the victor of an augmented reality game. [I don't know enough of Ka-la to understand how memories are unimportant or what a "brain integrated computer's storage" is. Is she an andriod? Does she have a chip embedded in her brain? The wording could be clearer.]When her brother, Shamash, discovers a mythical Star Garden, Ka-la searches her archived memories for answers.[What's a Star Garden?]

 

She recalls the legend that says millennia ago, Ama, descended from space, and brought the imagination-fueled technology known as Star Gardens with him. The Star Gardens make anything possible: travelling through time, creating stars and contacting other worlds are only a thought away.[Here the background information is too heavy. Integrate this with the present. "When her brother discovers a Star Garden, a mythical piece of technology that warps time and reality, she..."]

 

Now that fable has become fact, a powerful organization called ACCORD declare that Shamash is the prophesied saviour. To Ka-la, Shamash is a cowardly sludge-slug who stumbled upon the Star Garden by mistake. But surely ACCORD knows best? After all, it once saved civilization from the brink of destruction.[This introduces too much, and further on, the query starts to shift into synopsis territory. Is ACCORD a legal organization? A priesthood? Did it really save civilization or is it part of religious/historical text? And what was the destruction? The vagueness leaves too much room for confusion.]

 

When it recruits Shamash to kill their father, installs him as a proxy ruler, then uses the Star Garden to threaten the annihilation of another world, it’s clear that ACCORD is not the benevolent force Ka-la believed. Ka-la vows revenge. She possesses the only weapon that can stop ACCORD. Real imagination. But first, she must find out the identity of ACCORD’s mysterious leader.[Recruit? Proxy ruler? Ka-la believed in the ACCORD at all?]

 

The truth lies in an ancient relic on Ama’s homeworld, Planet Earth.[Biggest issue I see is you're introducing too much vague information. Look at successful SFF queries and pay attention to how they balance telling too much and too little. And pay attention to how they handle special terms.]

 

ZONATIONS is told from three main perspectives and is complete at 95,000 words.[Is this YA or Adult? Don't forget to mention the genre.] In the ancient past, Ama fights to free his sister from Sumeria's alien overlords. In modern-day England, Leo struggles to understand a strange relic whose revelations could change the world. In the distant future, Ka-la strikes out against the organization who killed her father and now threaten the entire galaxy. [Delete everything that isn't the metadata in this paragraph. You're introducing characters, timelines, and plots that aren't relevant to your pitch. Stick to the main plot. I also highly recommend you add comps.]



#109 Tyokunbo

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Posted 28 July 2018 - 01:38 PM

15-year-old Princess Ka-la is too focused on the present to worry about the past. She relegates all unimportant memories to her brain integrated computer’s storage. If she isn’t busy foiling plots against her father, she’s fighting to become the victor of an augmented reality game. When her brother, Shamash, discovers a mythical Star Garden, Ka-la searches her archived memories for answers. (Why should she care? What is her motivation as related to the Star Gardens?)

She recalls the legend that says millennia ago, Ama, descended from space, and brought the imagination-fueled technology known as Star Gardens with him. The Star Gardens make anything possible: travelling through time, creating stars and contacting other worlds are only a thought away. (I like this).

Now that fable has become fact (How has it become fact? Through Shamash's discovery?) , a powerful organization called ACCORD declare (s) that Shamash is the prophesied saviour. (What is the connection between ACCORD and the fable? Does it have any relation with the mythical Star Gardens? Why should it be the one to declare Shamash as the savior?) ) To Ka-la, Shamash is a cowardly sludge-slug who stumbled upon the Star Garden by mistake. (Why does she have this opinion? Is she secretly competing with Shamash? ) But surely ACCORD knows best? After all, it once saved civilization from the brink of destruction.

When it recruits Shamash to kill their father (Why should ACCORD be the one to recruit Shamash? ) , installs him as a proxy ruler, then uses the Star Garden to threaten the annihilation of another world, it’s clear that ACCORD is not the benevolent force Ka-la believed. (Why is it clear ACCORD is not a benevolent force?) Ka-la vows revenge. (Revenge against who? What is her stake in the entire story?) She possesses the only weapon that can stop ACCORD. (Shouldn’t we know this earlier?) Real imagination. But first, she must find out the identity of ACCORD’s mysterious leader.

The truth lies in an ancient relic on Ama’s homeworld, Planet Earth. (How?)

ZONATIONS is told from three main perspectives and is complete at 95,000 words. In the ancient past, Ama fights to free his sister from Sumeria's alien overlords. In modern-day England, Leo struggles to understand a strange relic whose revelations could change the world. In the distant future, Ka-la strikes out against the organization who killed her father and now threaten the entire galaxy.

A fine query full of conflict and mystery. I prefer it to the previous one, but I think an agent will need to know more of Ka-la’s motivations as related to Star Gardens. In other words, I mean what does she want in connection to it. Does the fable affect her in any way? Or it's all about her father remaining as ruler? ? What is Smash’s motivation? What are the choices open to Ka-la as she tries to revenge? What are the consequences of the choices she has to make?

I'd be glad if you kindly review my query at #17 in the link below

 

http://agentquerycon...pic/38912-kari/



#110 RegE

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Posted 15 August 2018 - 06:21 AM

Hi everyone.

 

Thanks all for your help. I just wanted to give you an update on how things are going with ZONATIONS. I got really disheartened with sending out queries. I felt like none of the queries I wrote properly represented my book. All though this query (above) from 1 perspective is okay, I think it misrepresents my book. The three characters thing is soooo integral to the plot.

 

Then I stumbled upon a great site called SwoonReads and decided that instead of querying, I would take a break and post my entire book for the world to see. I spent so long writing this book, that right now, getting peoples' eyes on it is the most important thing. For an agent to read a query then not even look at my pages was too demoralizing! After 6 months on Swoon reads I may start querying again.

 

It's bizarre, but when I was readying my manuscript to post, I thought up a quick blurb on the spot, which I actually think is better than the queries I sent out!! Maybe I will use the blurb when I query again. If you're interested in reading the book and not just the query, the link is below. 

 

https://swoonreads.com/m/zonations-2/

 

Since posting it I have noticed a few typos in the manuscript so please excuse them. It's amazing what you miss even though you've read the manuscript again and again. Seeing it in a different format really helps to spot those mistakes. Face palm!

 

Thanks again for all your help. 



#111 Tanja

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Posted 15 August 2018 - 07:39 AM

Thank  you for sharing this. Never heard of swoonreads but I saw you already have very good critiques. Which is a good sign. So don't give up. I'll certainly have a read. Good luck


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#112 RegE

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Posted 21 August 2018 - 05:31 AM

Thanks Tanja. I hope you enjoy it if you do decide to read.






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