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This Dead World - YA Dystopian


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#1 rosequinn

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Posted 06 February 2018 - 03:34 PM

REVISION #1

The world has been dead for 10 years. Sam has spent more than half of his life fighting to stay alive and now has a chance to be a normal eighteen-year-old. He’s settled behind the steel walls of Mt. Smoke with the love of his life, Felicity, by his side and his jealous older brother more than six-hundred miles away. But two flesh hungry Infected stumble into the local bar just as Sam is trying to convince someone to pour him a drink. The thing is, there shouldn’t be any Infected inside the walls. There can’t be.

 

Before Sam and Felicity can find any answers, someone blows a hole in the steel wall protecting the city, letting the Infected back in. Sam survives the carnage but Felicity doesn’t. A military team from a nearby city rescues Sam and asks for his help. This isn’t the first attack on a protected city and they know who is behind them - his brother, Wesley.

 

Wesley is leading a group of Infected who are somehow able to remain human, and the military wants to know how. Sam can’t understand why his brother would let innocent people die, like Felicity, so he joins this military team to stop him from destroying what’s left of the already dead world.

 

But things change when Sam gets too close to an Infected and it’s dirty teeth sinks into his arm. He’s infected and he’s on borrowed time. It matters now, more than ever to find his brother to stop him and find out how to stop the infection from killing him.

 

________________________________________________

 

 

 

 

Everything Samson wants is in Mt. Smoke.

Felicity, the girl he loves all to himself? Check.

Moonshine? If he can convince someone to give him some then check.

His older brother, Wesley, more than 600 miles away? Check.

And a steel wall to keep the Infected out? Check.

 

Samson’s quasi-normal life comes to a quick end when rebels attack the protective wall, letting the Infected back inside Mt. Smoke. He survives the carnage, rescued by a small military team. They were watching him. They had eyes on him because his brother, Wesley is leading the rebels. But they aren’t just rebels. They’re a group of Infected who can keep themselves human and their goal appears simple: rebuilding the world, with the living back on top.

 

Samson wants to be done fighting. He wants to finally be just a teenager and mourn the loss of Felicity.

 

Sam knows the only way that life will be possible is by finding his brother and stopping him from destroying what’s left of the world. It doesn’t matter than anyone could be this new kind of Infected, right? To make things more complicated - the rebels are looking for something inside the walls. People who are immune to the virus that destroyed the world and Samson might just be one of them.

 

THIS DEAD WORLD, a YA dystopian novel is complete at 85,000 words.


Critique my query here


#2 Wayfarer

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Posted 06 February 2018 - 04:19 PM

Everything Samson wants is in Mt. Smoke.

Felicity, the girl he loves all to himself? Check.

Moonshine? If he can convince someone to give him some then check.

His older brother, Wesley, more than 600 miles away? Check.

And a steel wall to keep the Infected out? Check.

 

(Don't ask rhetorical questions, make definitive statements. Turn this information into a hook, something to immediately grab attention. Rhetorical questions don't do that.)

 

Samson’s quasi-normal life comes to a quick end when rebels attack the protective wall, letting the Infected back inside Mt. Smoke. (Ton of information in this sentence that needs explaining before further writing. Who are the rebels, what protective wall, who are the infected, what is Mt.Smoke? A city?)He survives the carnage, rescued by a small military team. They were watching him. (Why is this in italics) They had eyes on him because his brother, Wesley is leading the rebels. But they aren’t just rebels. They’re a group of Infected who can keep themselves human and their goal appears simple: rebuilding the world, with the living back on top.

 

Samson wants to be done fighting. He wants to finally be just a teenager and mourn the loss of Felicity.

 

Sam knows the only way that life will be possible is by finding his brother and stopping him from destroying what’s left of the world. (Wait what? None of the previous alludes to an evil brother.) It doesn’t matter than anyone could be this new kind of Infected, right? To make things more complicated - the rebels are looking for something inside the walls. People who are immune to the virus that destroyed the world and Samson might just be one of them.

 

THIS DEAD WORLD, a YA dystopian novel is complete at 85,000 words.

Research the basic structure of a query, if you haven't read the Queryshark website, do that, then re-write this completely.



#3 PureZhar3

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Posted 06 February 2018 - 04:56 PM

Everything Samson wants is in Mt. Smoke.

Felicity, the girl he loves all to himself ​I don't understand what "he loves all to himself" means. Seems like a collision of a couple different common phrases? Check.

Moonshine? If he can convince someone to give him some​, then check.

His older brother, Wesley, more than 600 miles away? Check.

And a steel wall to keep the Infected out? Check.

 

Samson’s quasi-normal life comes to a quick end when rebels attack the protective wall, letting the Infected back inside Mt. Smoke ​This is sudden. Stakes would be greatly heightened if I knew what exactly Mt. Smoke is (a mountain? a house?), who the Infected are, who Samson is (someone powerful? rich?) and what these rebels are rebelling against . He survives the carnage, rescued by a small military team ​a rebel military team or an anti-rebel military team?. They were watching him. They had eyes on him because his brother, Wesley is leading the rebels. But they aren’t just rebels. They’re a group of Infected who can keep themselves human ​umm still don't know what the Infected are or who the rebels are and their goal appears simple: rebuilding the world, with the living back on top.​ ​Are the dead currently on top? What does rebuilding the world look like? Rebuild it from what? Your answer to my questions are there, but they don't actually help at all

 

Samson wants to be done fighting. He wants to finally be just a teenager and mourn the loss of Felicity. ​Oh did she die?

 

Sam ​don't switch names midway - either use the nickname or use the full name knows the only way that life will be possible is by finding his brother and stopping him from destroying what’s left of the world.​ I thought he was trying to rebuild the world? It doesn’t matter than anyone could be this new kind of Infected, right? To make things more complicated ​this is too many words to use for a cliche - the rebels are looking for something inside the walls ​for what?. People who are immune to the virus that destroyed the world and Samson might just be one of them.​ I thought he was saved? Is he still in Mt. Smoke? Isn't he trying to find his brother? So many questions... 

 

THIS DEAD WORLD, a YA dystopian novel is complete at 85,000 words.

​I have so many questions after reading this. The market is still a bit oversaturated with dystopias, so you're going to have to make your novel stand out crazy well if you want an agent. However, this query does not do that. I don't know anything about your book except that it has a lot of common dystopian elements. Keep it up! Try to be extremely specific with your story


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#4 ajvan

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Posted 06 February 2018 - 05:22 PM

Everything Samson wants is in Mt. Smoke. I like the unique approach, although it's a little risky. 

Felicity, the girl he loves all to himself? Check. Clarify this? "...loves all to himself" is a little clunky. You can dispense with the question marks and "checks" as well. Just spell out each item quickly. i.e., "Felicity, his one true love."

Moonshine?--if he can convince someone to give him some then check.

His older brother, Wesley, more than 600 miles away? Check.  How can be be in Mt. Smoke if he's 600 miles away? Maybe cut this one.

And a steel wall to keep the Infected out? Check.

 

Samson’s quasi-normal life comes to a quick ends when rebels attack the protective wall, letting the Infected back inside Mt. Smoke. He survives the carnage, rescued by a small military team They were watching him. They had eyes on him because led by his brother, Wesley is leading the rebels. But they aren’t just rebels. They’re a group of Infected who can keep themselves human and their goal appears simple: rebuilding the world, with the living back on top.

 

Samson wants to be done fighting. He wants to finally be just a teenager and mourn the loss of Felicity. Uh oh...so she dies in the attack? You'd probably drop it in above because that's a big detail. "He survives...Felicity doesn't."

 

Sam knows the only way that life will be possible is by finding his brother and stopping him from destroying what’s left of the world. It doesn’t matter than anyone could be this new kind of Infected, right? To make things more complicated - the rebels are looking for something inside the walls. People who are immune to the virus that destroyed the world and Samson might just be one of them. Things get a little murky here for me. Try to avoid posing questions and spell out Samson's objective. Something along the lines of, "Samson has to [do this and this] if he wants to [huge important goal]. But that won't be easy because [impending crisis]. Once you get that nailed down, you can always polish the voice and tone.

 

THIS DEAD WORLD, a YA dystopian novel is complete at 85,000 words.

I like the elements you've got going, and the opening hook could be pretty cool if you clarify it. Last but not least, I've got a query posted as well if you're up for taking a look.



#5 rosequinn

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Posted 11 February 2018 - 05:04 PM

Thank you for your feedback! I've updated my post with a revised query!


Critique my query here


#6 PureZhar3

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Posted 11 February 2018 - 09:16 PM

The world has been dead for 10 years. ​This is too vague to hook me. I simply don't know what you mean by "dead" - or "the world", for that matter Sam has spent more than half of his life fighting to stay alive ​what's killing him and now has a chance to be a normal eighteen-year-old. He’s settled behind the steel walls of Mt. Smoke with the love of his life, Felicity, by his side​, and his jealous older brother more than six-hundred miles away. But two flesh hungry Infected ​still gotta tell us what these are stumble into the local bar just as Sam is trying to convince someone to pour him a drink. The thing is, there shouldn’t be any Infected inside the walls. ​Rephrase this sentence, because I already know this. Maybe focused on his thoughts rather than telling us - i.e. Sam is shocked, because there shouldn't be..."There can’t be.

 

Before Sam and Felicity can find any answers, someone blows a hole in the steel wall protecting the city, letting the Infected back in. ​but didn't they already get in? Maybe indicate that it lets way more in? Sam survives the carnage​, but Felicity doesn’t. A military team from a nearby city rescues Sam and asks for his help. This isn’t the first attack on a protected city and they know who is behind them ​it - his brother, Wesley.

 

Wesley is leading a group of Infected who are somehow able to remain human ​this might be impressive if we knew what an Infected was..., and the military wants to know how. Sam can’t understand why his brother would let innocent people die, like Felicity, so he joins this ​the, not this military team to stop him ​his brother? this pronoun isn't totally clear from destroying what’s left of the already dead world.

 

But things change when Sam gets too close to an Infected and it’s dirty teeth sinks into his arm. He’s infected and he’s on borrowed time. It matters now, more than ever to find his brother to stop him and find out how to stop the infection from killing him.

 

​Well this is interesting. Better than it was. But still a few issues with it:

​1) you need to go through and check your grammar. Quite a few missing commas & incorrect apostrophes

​2) I don't have enough information to fully understand the stakes. What is an Infected, what causes it, and is staying human while being infected equivalent to saying people who get the disease but don't die? If so, just call them immune... and then why are there Infecteds who aren't humans but are still alive? And if not, then what does that mean, and how does Sam know his brother have the cure?

 

Hopefully that helps! Would appreciate if you would reciprocate :) thanks!
 


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#7 Maddie978

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Posted 15 February 2018 - 08:37 PM

REVISION #1

The world has been dead for 10 years. Sam has spent more than half of his life fighting to stay alive and now has a chance to be a normal eighteen-year-old. He’s settled behind the steel walls of Mt. Smoke with the love of his life, Felicity, by his side and his jealous older brother more than six-hundred miles away. But two flesh hungry Infected stumble into the local bar just as Sam is trying to convince someone to pour him a drink. The thing is, there shouldn’t be any Infected inside the walls. There can’t be.

 

Before Sam and Felicity can find any answers, someone blows a hole in the steel wall protecting the city, letting the Infected back in. Sam survives the carnage but Felicity doesn’t. A military team from a nearby city rescues Sam and asks for his help. This isn’t the first attack on a protected city and they know who is behind them - his brother, Wesley.

 

Wesley is leading a group of Infected who are somehow able to remain human, and the military wants to know how. Sam can’t understand why his brother would let innocent people die, like Felicity, so he joins this military team to stop him from destroying what’s left of the already dead world.

 

But things change when Sam gets too close to an Infected and it’s dirty teeth sinks into his arm. He’s infected and he’s on borrowed time. It matters now, more than ever to find his brother to stop him and find out how to stop the infection from killing him.

 

 

 

I'm not going to specifically edit inside the query, because I think there is too much here you need to change. The story seems to start about four times. Which time is when it actually starts? When Sam moves to Mt. Smoke? The Infected inside? The hole in the wall? Felicity's death? His joining of the military? His brother's Infected army? Or Sam's own infection? 

 

I like a few of your ideas, but please pick a point to begin the story. To me, it seems like Sam getting Infected is the most interesting, but you know your book best.

 

Good luck!

 

 

 

 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         

 

 

http://agentquerycon...cience-fiction/


                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         

 

 

http://agentquerycon...cience-fiction/





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