Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo
- - - - -

The Man from the Storm- Speculative, Super-hero fantasy


  • Please log in to reply
38 replies to this topic

#21 Thulsadoom

Thulsadoom

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 19 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 10 February 2018 - 12:03 PM

I really don't think you can say the guy is unlikable unless you read the book. I think he's got a lot of the same lovable dorky traits any 22 year old has. He's horrible with flirting. He's somewhat naive. He's not a very good judge of people, etc. He's brutal because he's been genetically engineered and bred to be brutal. Not really his fault. 



#22 PureZhar3

PureZhar3

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 237 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Midwest

Posted 10 February 2018 - 12:26 PM

I really don't think you can say the guy is unlikable unless you read the book. I think he's got a lot of the same lovable dorky traits any 22 year old has. He's horrible with flirting. He's somewhat naive. He's not a very good judge of people, etc. He's brutal because he's been genetically engineered and bred to be brutal. Not really his fault. 

 

​That's fair. Unfortunately, it's a totally subjective matter and even if he's a very likable character in the book, agents who find him unlikable in the query are going to assume he's unlikable in the book.

 

​People want characters to relate to. That means even if I'm writing about an underwater alien race who have no emotions, completely different ways of thinking, and no concept of culture or manmade objects, I have to find a way to humanize them, or no one will like them. Even if it's completely logical that they are the way they are, and even if they have flaws that humans have. There's a lack of motivation and flaws in your query that we aren't seeing right now, even if it's there in your book.

 

​For example - naïve and terrible at flirting? Terrible at reading people? Why don't you throw that in the query, rather than focusing on his macho strength? We'll relate to that a lot more. If he doesn't want to be brutally strong, and struggles internally with that, even better. Humans often relate more to internal conflict more than external conflict. We want meaning in what we read. What's the chance that I will be at odds with the FBI, criminal organizations, and a biker gang all at once? Highly unlikely. But doing things out of anger while struggling to control myself because I know I'll regret my actions later? Now that's something I go through every day. Suddenly I relate. Suddenly there's something I can learn and get out of your book. I can see what to do, or what not to do, to control my anger. You see?


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#23 Thulsadoom

Thulsadoom

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 19 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 10 February 2018 - 01:33 PM

Here's this:

 

Wouldn't it be unsettling to learn that Adolf Hitler once instituted a program to breed and genetically engineer a race of perfect soldiers? That said program carried on long after the fall of the Hitler regime, until just over 20 years ago? That there could be abominations of said program wandering the Earth right now?
 
A town in Eastern Colorado is rocked as violence erupts among local organized crime families. Long-standing peace agreements are tossed aside as tempers flare, bullets fly, and testosterone rages. Federal authorities struggle to control the situation. What started it all?
 
At the heart of the mayhem is an outsider, a large young biker with odd eyes, amazing physical and sensory abilities, and the heart of an uncivilized savage. How could such a man have such a goofball sense of humor? Love him, hate him, or fear him, Gunnar leaves an impression everywhere he goes.
 
A finished manuscript at 99,000 words, The Man from the Storm is not for the faint of heart.  Gunnar is Jack Reacher meets Conan the Barbarian.
 
Thanks so much for your attention. 
 
Chris. 


#24 PureZhar3

PureZhar3

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 237 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Midwest

Posted 10 February 2018 - 01:38 PM

That new version is good in the more emotional focus, but it has too many questions and isn't really a query. It's more of a "what if" scenario. What you had is better (query-wise). But the description of example of Gunnar is good. You should work something like that into your query... but with more focus on query:

"A large young biker with odd eyes, naïve humor, and the heart of an uncivilized savage". We'll learn he's strong in other places


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#25 MICRONESIA

MICRONESIA

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 232 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS Southeast

Posted 11 February 2018 - 10:44 AM

You really need to research these things.

 

For starters:

 

1) No lame rhetorical questions -- especially not FIVE.

2) No telling us ABOUT the book, ABOUT the character. Stick to specifics. SHOW us.

3) And for eff's sake, don't give yourself compliments. "Not for the faint of heart?" The reader will decide that.


A Darkness in Spring (query | synopsis)


#26 DisgruntledWriter

DisgruntledWriter

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 97 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationCanada
  • Publishing Experience:You go Glen Coco

Posted 11 February 2018 - 11:14 AM

 

Here's this:

 

Wouldn't it be unsettling to learn that Adolf Hitler once instituted a program to breed and genetically engineer a race of perfect soldiers? That said program carried on long after the fall of the Hitler regime, until just over 20 years ago? That there could be abominations of said program wandering the Earth right now? Better opening, but get rid of the rhetorical questions.
 
A town in Eastern Colorado is rocked as violence erupts among local organized crime families. Long-standing peace agreements are tossed aside as tempers flare, bullets fly, and testosterone rages. Federal authorities struggle to control the situation. What started it all?
 
At the heart of the mayhem is an outsider, a large young biker with odd eyes, amazing physical and sensory abilities, and the heart of an uncivilized savage. How could such a man have such a goofball sense of humor? Love him, hate him, or fear him, Gunnar leaves an impression everywhere he goes. Again, you're just telling us about him.  Show us instead.  Show us the plot, show us how he influences the plot.  I don't care about Gunnar right now.  Teach us how to love, fear, or hate him.
 
A finished manuscript at 99,000 words, The Man from the Storm is not for the faint of heart.  Gunnar is Jack Reacher meets Conan the Barbarian. Meh, I don't want to hear about how your character compares to other characters.  They've already been created.  If I want Conan, I'll go read about him.  Show us why Gunnar is so awesome and so original.
 
Thanks so much for your attention. 
 
Chris. 

 



#27 Thulsadoom

Thulsadoom

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 19 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 11 February 2018 - 03:17 PM

Hello (Agent)!
 
Knock-knock:
 
When a young man who was created, unbeknownst to him, by a Nazi selective breeding and genetic engineering program tries to remain anonymous in modern society, he faces an impossible paradox. 
 
Abandoned as an infant, raised in foster care, Gunnar has not had an easy life. But he finally has the chance to break free from his difficult beginnings, follow his dream and explore the USA on his motorcycle. Taking an odd job as a security guard in a Colorado town proves to be his undoing when he gets into a skirmish with three different factions of organized criminals who don't take disrespect lightly. Suddenly, everyone wants Gunnar's head on a plate, including the cops who blame him for starting a war on their watch. Special Agent Stacy Carson of the FBI can't decide whether she loves or hates the terrifying young biker. As events start to filter onto the news, a certain scientific community is thrilled to discover that Gunnar is alive. They need Gunnar alive but the mafia and the local biker gang want him dead, which turns out to be a difficult task even when Gunnar is playing defense. When Gunnar finally snaps and goes on the offense, civilization cannot comprehend the appalling result of Gunnar's wrath.
 
"The Man from the Storm" is a finished manuscript of 99,000 words. I would put the genre at Speculative/Super-hero/low fantasy.
 
My name is Chris Dutcher. I am semi-retired after a long career in the US Military and Civil Service. I've been associated with the outlaw biker lifestyle for many years. I do not watch TV. I'm not fond of cell phones. 
 
Thanks for your attention. 
 
Chris.  


#28 Sataris

Sataris

    lives in a van down by the river

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 235 posts
  • Literary Status:published
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:Pro market sff

Posted 11 February 2018 - 03:45 PM

 

Hello (Agent) Dear Mr/Ms/ETC
 
Knock-knock:  you'll want to be professional here
 
When a young man who was created, unbeknownst to him, by a Nazi selective breeding and genetic engineering program tries to remain anonymous in modern society, he faces an impossible paradox. This is too much of an info dump for the first sentence, and you never follow up on the paradox (nor do we know what it actually is)
 
Abandoned as an infant, raised in foster care, Gunnar has not had an easy life. But he finally has the chance to break free from his difficult beginnings, follow his dream and explore the USA on his motorcycle. Taking an odd job as a security guard in a Colorado town proves to be his undoing when he gets into a skirmish with three different factions of organized criminals who don't take disrespect lightly. The last two sentences don't make sense together: he finally has a chance to explore the USA, so he takes a job as a security guard. I also think we need to hear a lot more about the altercation, since right now we have no real idea what happened except for the assumption that he disrespected people
 
Suddenly, everyone wants Gunnar's head on a plate, including the cops who blame him for starting a war on their watch. Special Agent Stacy Carson of the FBI can't decide whether she loves or hates the terrifying young biker. I get that you're hinting at romance, but shifting to her perspective is jarring, and she doesn't seem important to the plot when presented this wayAs events start to filter onto the news, a certain this reads as deliberately coy scientific community is thrilled to discover that Gunnar is alive. They need Gunnar alive but the mafia and the local biker gang want him dead, which turns out to be a difficult task even when Gunnar is playing defense. playing defense? as in laying low?
 
When Gunnar finally snaps and goes on the offense, civilization cannot comprehend the appalling result of Gunnar's wrath. This makes it sound like the bulk of the book is just going to be him killing people? What choices does he have to make? what does he have to give up to get what he wants?
 
"The Man from the Storm" is a finished manuscript of 99,000 words. I would put the genre at Speculative/Super-hero/low fantasy. Pick one and be confident - and you don't need to mention it's speculative if you go with fantasy or superhero. Also, this is reading more like contemporary military fiction than superhero/fantasy,
 
My name is Chris Dutcher. I am semi-retired after a long career in the US Military and Civil Service. I've been associated with the outlaw biker lifestyle as in you've been in a biker gang? what do you mean associated with? for many years. I do not watch TV. I'm not fond of cell phones.  The first part is funny but it comes out of nowhere a little bit, and telling the agent you don't like cell phones probably isn't the best idea. Sort of saying you're going to be hard to reach.
 
Thanks for your attention. Thanks for your time and consideration.
 
Chris.  

 

Hope that was helpful. Best of luck.


No current query.


#29 Thulsadoom

Thulsadoom

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 19 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 12 February 2018 - 07:20 AM

Dear (AGENT)
 
When a young man who was created, unbeknownst to him, by a Nazi selective breeding and genetic engineering program he finds it difficult to exist in modern society.
 
Abandoned as an infant, raised in foster care, Gunnar has not had an easy life. But he finally has the chance to break free from his difficult beginnings and explore the USA on his motorcycle, taking odd jobs along the way. While working a quick stint as a security guard in a Colorado town, he wreaks havoc during a violent skirmish with three different factions of organized criminals who don't take disrespect lightly. Suddenly, everyone wants Gunnar's head on a plate, including the cops who blame him for starting a war on their watch. As events start to filter onto the news, a certain scientific community is thrilled to discover that Gunnar exists. They need Gunnar alive but the mafia and the local biker gang want him dead, a task that proves difficult. Gunnar doesn't want to lose his freedom, or his life, but the forces that oppose him won't compromise. When Gunnar finally snaps,  civilized society cannot comprehend the appalling result of his wrath.
 
"The Man from the Storm" is a finished Speculative Fiction manuscript of 99,000 words. 
 
My name is Chris Dutcher. I am semi-retired after a long career in the US Military and Civil Service. I do not watch TV. 
 
Thanks for your time and consideration.
 
Chris.  


#30 Laurie E. Smith

Laurie E. Smith

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 85 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationCanada
  • Publishing Experience:I have been a professional in the comics industry (as a colourist and line art reconstructionist) for 23 years. In terms of writing, I had a short story ("Like Ants to Honey") published in the "Far Horizons" e-mag (Issue #2, May 2014); I've also posted over 1.23 million words of fan fiction on Archive of Our Own, with with a total of 614473 individual hits, 29416 kudos, and 3919 reader bookmarks.

Posted 12 February 2018 - 09:16 AM

I think you're definitely on the right track now! :) I like this version much better than the previous ones: it's clear, it's concise, and (to me) it conveys some interesting stuff.
 

 

Dear (AGENT)
 
When a young man who was created, unbeknownst to him, by a Nazi selective breeding and genetic engineering program (add comma) he finds it difficult to exist in modern society.
 
Abandoned as an infant, raised in foster care, Gunnar has not had an easy life. But he finally has the chance to break free from his difficult beginnings and explore the USA on his motorcycle, taking odd jobs along the way. While working a quick stint as a security guard in a Colorado town, he wreaks havoc during a violent skirmish with three different factions of organized criminals who don't take disrespect lightly. Suddenly, everyone wants Gunnar's head on a plate, including the cops who blame him for starting a war on their watch. As events start to filter onto the news, a certain scientific community (I do think you should be a bit more specific about this: underground scientific community? Nazi scientific community? genetic research scientific community? government agency scientific community?) is thrilled to discover that Gunnar exists. They need Gunnar alive but the mafia and the local biker gang want him dead, a task that proves difficult. Gunnar doesn't want to lose his freedom, or his life, but the forces that oppose him won't compromise. (Really like this sentence!) When Gunnar finally snaps,  civilized society cannot comprehend the appalling result of his wrath.
 
"The Man from the Storm" is a finished Speculative Fiction manuscript of 99,000 words. (Don't capitalize "speculative fiction", and indicate if it's a stand-alone or has series potential.)
 
My name is Chris Dutcher. I am semi-retired after a long career in the US Military and Civil Service. I do not watch TV. (You don't need any of this, really. It feels superfluous and bogs down the query. Your name will be at the end of the letter. :) Perhaps you could work your career into the previous paragraph, explaining (briefly) how it equipped you to write about Gunnar's adventures.)
 
Thanks for your time and consideration.
 
Chris. (No period, add your last name.)

 

 

This is starting to sound like a novel I would be interested in reading. I think you made some good choices in what to include AND what to exclude. Nice work!



#31 Thulsadoom

Thulsadoom

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 19 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 12 February 2018 - 10:14 AM

Dear (AGENT)
 
When a young man who was created, unbeknownst to him, by a Nazi selective breeding and genetic engineering program, he finds it difficult to exist in modern society.
 
Abandoned as an infant, raised in foster care, Gunnar has not had an easy life. But he finally has the chance to break free from his difficult beginnings and explore the USA on his motorcycle, taking odd jobs along the way. While working a quick stint as a security guard in a Colorado town, he wreaks havoc during a violent skirmish with three different factions of organized criminals who don't take disrespect lightly. Suddenly, everyone wants Gunnar's head on a plate, including the cops who blame him for starting a war on their watch. As events start to filter onto the news, a clandestine scientific community is thrilled to discover that Gunnar exists. They need Gunnar alive but the mafia and the local biker gang want him dead, a task that proves difficult. Gunnar doesn't want to lose his freedom, or his life, but the forces that oppose him won't compromise. When Gunnar finally snaps, civilized society cannot comprehend the appalling result of his wrath.
 
"The Man from the Storm" is a finished speculative fiction manuscript of 99,000 words with series potential.
 
Thanks for your time and consideration.
 
Chris Dutcher  


#32 galian84

galian84

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 48 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 12 February 2018 - 03:27 PM

 

Dear (AGENT)
 
When a young man who was is created, unbeknownst to him, by a Nazi selective breeding and genetic engineering program (comma) he finds it difficult to exist in modern society.
 
Abandoned as an infant and raised in foster care, Gunnar has not had an easy life. But he finally has the chance to break free from his difficult beginnings (How so? What is this chance that he's given? Also, this sentence seems to be all backstory and doesn't relate much to the rest of your query) and explore the USA on his motorcycle, taking odd jobs along the way. While working a quick stint as a security guard in a Colorado town, he wreaks havoc during a violent skirmish with three different factions of organized criminals who don't take disrespect lightly (here's where you lost me...did something happen to incite this whole thing? The way it's written now, it makes it sound like he just starts a fight with them out of the blue. How does he know they are organized criminals?). Suddenly, everyone wants Gunnar's head on a plate, including the cops (comma) who blame him for starting a war on their watch. As events (what events? The fight? Something else? This is unclear) start to filter onto the news, a certain scientific community (vague, what kind exactly? Do they have a name?) is thrilled to discover that Gunnar exists. They need Gunnar alive (comma) but the mafia and the local biker gang want him dead, a task that proves difficult (why? I know vaguely that Gunnar is a superhero, but I have no idea what his power(s) is/are). Gunnar doesn't want to lose his freedom, or his life, but the forces that oppose him won't compromise. When Gunnar finally snaps,  civilized society cannot comprehend the appalling result of his wrath. (This doesn't grab me only because I don't know what he's capable of. So is he going to destroy the world? Would be an interesting twist, if so!)
 
"The Man from the Storm" is a finished Speculative Fiction manuscript of 99,000 words. (You may also want to add the age group...eg adult/YA etc)
 
My name is Chris Dutcher. I am semi-retired after a long career in the US Military and Civil Service. (Side note: Thank you for your service!) I do not watch TV (Interesting tidbit but I don't think it belongs in the query)
 
Thanks for your time and consideration.
 
Chris.  

 

Hi Thulsa, fresh eyes here :) Just FYI I read the first version of your query, but didn't get a chance to go through your subsequent revisions in thorough detail. So going to keep my focus on your newest revision. This is definitely better than your first version! You have more plot here, but not enough about Gunnar. It jumps from one plot point to another without a whole lot in between to connect them. Again, I'm no expert, so take from this what you will.

 

Good luck and I look forward to your newest revision, if you decide to revise again :)



#33 PureZhar3

PureZhar3

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 237 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Midwest

Posted 12 February 2018 - 05:18 PM

 

Dear (AGENT)
 
When a young man who was created, unbeknownst to him, by a Nazi selective breeding and genetic engineering program, he finds it difficult to exist in modern society. ​Interesting, but could still be more exciting if you were specific
 
Abandoned as an infant, raised in foster care, Gunnar has not had an easy life ​this is not a complete sentence. But he finally has the chance to break free from his difficult beginnings and explore the USA on his motorcycle, taking odd jobs along the way.​better While working a quick stint as a security guard in a Colorado town, he wreaks havoc during a violent skirmish with three different factions of organized criminals who don't take disrespect lightly. Suddenly, everyone wants Gunnar's head on a plate, including the cops who blame him for starting a war on their watch. As events start to filter onto the news, a clandestine scientific community is thrilled to discover that Gunnar exists. They need Gunnar alive but the mafia and the local biker gang want him dead, a task that proves difficult. ​this sentence needs clarification if you want it to have full impact Gunnar doesn't want to lose his freedom, or his life, but the forces that oppose him won't compromise. When Gunnar finally snaps, civilized society cannot comprehend the appalling result of his wrath. ​set this up as more of a breaking point... will he or won't he snap??? (but make sure you don't actually phrase it as the questions)
 
"The Man from the Storm" is a finished speculative fiction manuscript of 99,000 words with series potential.
 
Thanks for your time and consideration.
 
Chris Dutcher  

 

​This is better, but you still need to narrow in on the specifics more


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#34 Thulsadoom

Thulsadoom

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 19 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 13 February 2018 - 08:50 AM

Dear (AGENT)
 
A young man who was created, unbeknownst to him, by a Nazi selective breeding and genetic engineering program, finds it difficult to exist in modern society.
 
Abandoned as an infant, raised in foster care and institutions, Gunnar has never had an easy life. Now he wants to break free from his difficult beginnings and explore the USA on his motorcycle, taking odd jobs along the way. One night, working as a security guard in a Colorado town, he wreaks havoc while trying to contral a violent skirmish between some organized criminals who don't take disrespect lightly. Gunnar finds it very difficult to control himself in voilent situations. Physically, he is an amazing specimen. His sense of smell, sight, and hearing is much more acute than normal. And one of his former foster guardians, a retired CIA agent, has trained him. Suddenly, everyone wants Gunnar's head on a plate, including the cops who blame him for starting a war on their watch. There are several drive-by attempts on Gunnar's life. As events start to filter onto the news, the clandestine scientific community that created Gunnar is thrilled to discover that he exists. They need Gunnar alive, but the mafia and the local biker gang want him dead, a task that proves difficult. Gunnar doesn't want to lose his freedom, or his life, but the forces that oppose him won't compromise. Finally, Gunnar snaps, and civilized society struggles to comprehend the appalling result of his wrath. 
 
"The Man from the Storm" is a finished speculative fiction manuscript of 99,000 words with series potential.
 
Thanks for your time and consideration.
 
Chris Dutcher 


#35 Laurie E. Smith

Laurie E. Smith

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 85 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationCanada
  • Publishing Experience:I have been a professional in the comics industry (as a colourist and line art reconstructionist) for 23 years. In terms of writing, I had a short story ("Like Ants to Honey") published in the "Far Horizons" e-mag (Issue #2, May 2014); I've also posted over 1.23 million words of fan fiction on Archive of Our Own, with with a total of 614473 individual hits, 29416 kudos, and 3919 reader bookmarks.

Posted 13 February 2018 - 10:01 AM

Overall this reads very well to me. Good work! :) There's just one part that still niggles...

 

Dear (AGENT)
 
A young man who was created, unbeknownst to him, by a Nazi selective breeding and genetic engineering program, finds it difficult to exist in modern society.
 
Abandoned as an infant, raised in foster care and institutions, Gunnar has never had an easy life. Now he wants to break free from his difficult beginnings and explore the USA on his motorcycle, taking odd jobs along the way. One night, working as a security guard in a Colorado town, he wreaks havoc while trying to contral a violent skirmish between some organized criminals who don't take disrespect lightly. Gunnar finds it very difficult to control himself in voilent situations. Physically, he is an amazing specimen. His sense of smell, sight, and hearing is much more acute than normal. (Not only is this awkwardsly stated, but it's Mary Sue all over again. Show us an example: "When he gets angry, his incredibly sharp senses and higher-than-average physical strength make him an opponent to be feared -- even if he hadn't had special combat training from a retired CIA agent, one of his former foster guardians.") And one of his former foster guardians, a retired CIA agent, has trained him. Suddenly, everyone wants Gunnar's head on a plate, including the cops who blame him for starting a war on their watch. There are several drive-by attempts on Gunnar's life. As events start to filter onto the news, the clandestine scientific community that created Gunnar is thrilled to discover that he exists. They need Gunnar alive, but the mafia and the local biker gang want him dead, a task that proves difficult. Gunnar doesn't want to lose his freedom, or his life, but the forces that oppose him won't compromise. Finally, Gunnar snaps, and civilized society struggles to comprehend the appalling result of his wrath. 
 
"The Man from the Storm" is a finished speculative fiction manuscript of 99,000 words with series potential.
 
Thanks for your time and consideration.
 
Chris Dutcher 

 



#36 Thulsadoom

Thulsadoom

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 19 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 13 February 2018 - 01:00 PM

Dear (AGENT)
 
A young man who was created, unbeknownst to him, by a Nazi selective breeding and genetic engineering program, finds it difficult to exist in modern society.
 
Abandoned as an infant, raised in foster care and institutions, Gunnar has never had an easy life. Now he wants to break free from his difficult beginnings and explore the USA on his motorcycle, finding odd jobs along the way. One night, working as a security guard in a Colorado town, he wreaks havoc while trying to quell a violent skirmish between some organized criminals who don't take disrespect lightly. Gunnar finds it very difficult to control himself in violent situations. Physically, he is an amazing specimen. Genetically modified to possess superior senses, speed, and strength, he is a tremendous force even if he hadn't been tutored by a former foster guardian and retired CIA operative. Suddenly, everyone wants Gunnar's head on a plate, including the cops who blame him for starting a war on their watch. Stacy Carson of the FBI, however, struggles to understand her feelings for the young biker. There are several drive-by attempts on Gunnar's life. As events start to filter onto the news, the clandestine scientific community that created Gunnar is thrilled to discover that he exists. They need Gunnar alive, but the mafia and the local biker gang want him dead, a task that proves difficult. Gunnar doesn't want to lose his freedom, or his life, but the forces that oppose him won't compromise. Finally, Gunnar snaps, and civilized society struggles to comprehend the appalling result of his wrath. 
 
"The Man from the Storm" is a finished speculative fiction manuscript of 99,000 words with series potential.
 
Thanks for your time and consideration.
 
Chris Dutcher 


#37 Sataris

Sataris

    lives in a van down by the river

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 235 posts
  • Literary Status:published
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:Pro market sff

Posted 13 February 2018 - 04:21 PM

 

Dear (AGENT)
 
A young man who was created, unbeknownst to him, by a Nazi selective breeding and genetic engineering program, finds it difficult to exist in modern society. You've worked the genetic engineering thing in below, and you're already showing us he has a hard time fitting in
 
Abandoned as an infant, raised in foster care and institutions, Gunnar has never had an easy life. Now he wants to break free from his difficult beginnings and explore the USA on his motorcycle, finding odd jobs along the way. One night, working as a security guard in a Colorado town, he wreaks havoc vague - does he kill a gangleader? etc etc while trying to quell a violent skirmish between some organized criminals who don't take disrespect lightly. Gunnar finds it very difficult to control himself in violent situations. Physically, he is an amazing specimen. Genetically modified to possess superior senses, speed, and strength, he is a tremendous force even if he hadn't been tutored by a former foster guardian and retired CIA operative. Suddenly, everyone wants Gunnar's head on a plate, including the cops who blame him for starting a war on their watch. Stacy Carson of the FBI, however, struggles to understand her feelings for the young biker. There are several drive-by attempts on Gunnar's life. As events start to filter onto the news, the clandestine scientific community that created Gunnar is thrilled to discover that he exists they probably know he exists- more like discovering he's still alive. They need Gunnar alive, but the mafia and the local biker gang want him dead, a task that proves difficult. Gunnar doesn't want to lose his freedom, or his life, but the forces that oppose him won't compromise. Finally, Gunnar snaps, and civilized society struggles to comprehend the appalling result of his wrath. 
 
The biggest issue I see is that you're presenting us with false stakes - he doesn't appear to have to choose between turning himself in to the scientists or letting the bikers kill him. It's a bad situation to be in, but it seems like he's got other options (which is confirmed by the line you're ending on, ie go on the warpath). That line in particular should probably go too - we have no idea what it is that he's doing, all we can assume is that it's bad/violent.
 
"The Man from the Storm" is a finished implied speculative fiction you need a genre here manuscript of 99,000 words with series potential.
 
Thanks for your time and consideration.
 
Chris Dutcher 

 


No current query.


#38 Thulsadoom

Thulsadoom

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 19 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 13 February 2018 - 07:56 PM

Dear (AGENT)
 
A young man who was created, unbeknownst to him, by a Nazi selective breeding and genetic engineering program, finds it difficult to exist in modern society.
 
Abandoned as an infant, raised in foster care and institutions, Gunnar has never had an easy life. Now he wants to break free from his beginnings and explore the USA on his motorcycle, taking odd jobs along the way. One night, working as a security guard in a Colorado town, he accidentally injures some gangsters while trying to quell a violent skirmish between several criminal organizations. Genetically modified to possess superior senses, speed, and strength, he is a tremendous force even if he hadn't been tutored by a former foster guardian and retired CIA operative. Suddenly, everyone wants Gunnar's head on a plate, including the cops who blame him for starting a war on their watch. As events start to filter onto the news, the clandestine scientific community that created Gunnar is thrilled to discover that he lives. They need Gunnar alive, but the mafia and the local biker gang want him dead, a task that proves difficult. Gunnar doesn't want to lose his freedom, or his life, but the forces that oppose him won't compromise. He can't run, he can't stay, he has nowhere to turn. Finally, Gunnar snaps, and the resulting massacre is appalling. 
 
"The Man from the Storm" is a speculative fiction manuscript of 99,000 words with series potential.
 
Thanks for your time and consideration.
 
Chris Dutcher 


#39 PureZhar3

PureZhar3

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 237 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Midwest

Posted 15 February 2018 - 04:42 PM

 

Dear (AGENT)
 
A young man who was created, unbeknownst to him, by a Nazi selective breeding and genetic engineering program, finds it difficult to exist in modern society.​ I would probably stop reading if this was the first sentence. It's not that specific or punchy.
 
Abandoned as an infant, raised in foster care and institutions, Gunnar has never had an easy life ​this still isn't really a sentence. You're just putting commas to link clauses. Now he wants to break free ​he wants to? or he is? from his beginnings and explore the USA on his motorcycle, taking odd jobs along the way. One night, working as a security guard in a Colorado town, he accidentally injures some gangsters while trying to quell a violent skirmish between several criminal organizations ​good detail. Genetically modified to possess superior senses, speed, and strength, he is a ​has? tremendous force even if he hadn't been tutored by a former foster guardian and retired CIA operative ​wait, so he was? this sentence starts out alright but ultimately is long and confusing. Suddenly, everyone wants Gunnar's head on a plate, including the cops who blame him for starting a ​gang war on their watch. As events start to filter onto the news, the clandestine scientific community that created Gunnar is thrilled to discover that he lives. They need Gunnar alive, but the mafia and the local biker gang want him dead, a task that proves difficult. Gunnar doesn't want to lose his freedom, or his life, but the forces that oppose him won't compromise. He can't run, he can't stay, he has nowhere to turn ​again, not a sentence. Finally, Gunnar snaps, and the resulting massacre is appalling. ​this pretty much gives away the ending (of the story built by the query)
 
"The Man from the Storm" is a speculative fiction manuscript of 99,000 words with series potential.
 
Thanks for your time and consideration.
 
Chris Dutcher 

 


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/





0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users