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Chang and the Transdimensional Carrot (Sci-Fi/Fantasy)

Fantasy Sci-Fi

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#1 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 09 February 2018 - 01:43 PM

I know it's the norm for stories to begin with a bang, but my story starts with an old, farmer dude waking up, going about his normal routine, and then having it all go horribly awry.  There is no instant shazam.  I guess I'm just wondering if this is even interesting at all  :blink: (PS - this is a little over 250 because it cut off awkwardly, don't kill me.)

 

Something was wrong with Jack.  Or rather, something was wrong with his perception of the world today.  His wife, Fern, joked he woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.  Jack merely rolled his eyes at this.  With his arthritic knees, lower back pain, and other rheumatic aliments which plagued him after years of farming, he had been waking up on the wrong side of the bed for the past decade.  

 

Jack Avens did not feel he woke up on the wrong side of the bed; it was more like he woke up in the wrong bed, period. 

 

The morning begun like any other, jolted out of his sleep at five in the morning to the rooster crowing.  That orange feathered son-of-a-bitch — for reasons beyond him, had acquired the name “Terrance Smithers” — attacked him on several occasions when he went to collect eggs from the chicken coop.  Most of the time, he was able to sense the impending assault and kick the offensive barnyard fowl aside, but the last encounter caught him off guard.  The scab on his leg was still healing and he was positive it would leave a scar. 

 

He peeled himself off the mattress, every joint in his body aching and popping in protest.  He shuffled over to the bathroom, his boxers too loose around his boney hips, his t-shirt too tight around his midsection.  He remembered when he was younger, seeing his father and grandfather with the same figure he now adorned and wondered how it was physically possible to grow that way.  It was too possible, he found out later in life.  It seemed his body was squeezing the fat and muscle mass out of his legs and depositing it right to his belly.  He felt like a macabre sausage with too much of its contents stuffed into the top half of the casing.

 


#2 PureZhar3

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Posted 10 February 2018 - 11:47 AM

I know it's the norm for stories to begin with a bang, but my story starts with an old, farmer dude waking up, going about his normal routine, and then having it all go horribly awry.  There is no instant shazam.  I guess I'm just wondering if this is even interesting at all  :blink: (PS - this is a little over 250 because it cut off awkwardly, don't kill me.) ​HOW DARE YOU????!!!  :smile: 

 

Something was wrong with Jack. Or rather, something was wrong with his perception of the world today. ​I like this. His wife, Fern, joked he woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. ​Super minor, but I don't know that "this morning" is necessary. Jack merely rolled his eyes at this.  With his arthritic knees, lower back pain, and other rheumatic aliments which plagued him after years of farming, he had been waking up on the wrong side of the bed for the past decade.  

 

Jack Avens did not feel he woke up on the wrong side of the bed; it was more like he woke up in the wrong bed, period. ​I like this whole ramble

 

The morning begun ​began - otherwise, it should be "had begun" like any other​: colon here jolted out of his sleep at five in the morning to the rooster crowing.  That orange feathered son-of-a-bitch — for reasons beyond him, had acquired the name “Terrance Smithers” ​this interruption is good but doesn't flow well— attacked him on several occasions when he went to collect eggs from the chicken coop.  Most of the time, he was able to sense the impending assault and kick the offensive barnyard fowl aside, but the last encounter caught him off guard.  The scab on his leg was still healing​comma and he was positive it would leave a scar. 

 

He peeled himself off the mattress, every joint in his body aching and popping in protest.  He shuffled over to the bathroom, his boxers too loose around his boney hips, his t-shirt too tight around his midsection.  He remembered when he was younger, seeing his father and grandfather with the same figure he now adorned and wondered how it was physically possible to grow that way.  It was too possible, he found out later in life.  It seemed his body was squeezing the fat and muscle mass out of his legs and depositing it right to his belly.  He felt like a macabre sausage with too much of its contents stuffed into the top half of the casing.

​I like this! I wouldn't say it's boring, even though not much is happening. The voice captures me :) you have an admirable writing style


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#3 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 10 February 2018 - 05:19 PM

Thank you :smile: And thanks for correcting a few grammatical things as well - I have dyslexia so I don't think I'm ever going to properly nail down this grammar thing by myself.

#4 Ztwist

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Posted 12 February 2018 - 07:32 AM

The sassy, curmudgeonly attitude comes through really well right away. I like this line a lot: Jack Avens did not feel he woke up on the wrong side of the bed; it was more like he woke up in the wrong bed, period. But it seems like you are taking a risk with a "waking" opening and stressing the bodily decrepitude which might alienate a reader. There is no sense of how his perceptions of the world are different today but maybe that comes through soon. Your reader feedback has been great though (I see from the Query post), so obviously you are somehow hitting the right note, everyone wants to know what happens next, and the entertainment factor is strong. 

One quibble with the use of adorned - - the figure adorns the person, the person doesn't adorn the figure. Maybe just say wore?

Oh, and nothing says over forty like two spaces after a period (as I once heard).  :tongue:



#5 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 12 February 2018 - 09:34 AM

Oh, and nothing says over forty like two spaces after a period (as I once heard).  :tongue:


*puts on reading spectacles, throws out back reaching for hard candies on desk, shakes fist belligerently at nothing* but... but... I’m in my twenties, young man!!

 

Maybe they’ll think I’m a seasoned professional who knows what they’re doing, bahahhaa.







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