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First 250 words of Memories From An Erased Mind


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#1 anoldnewbie

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Posted 10 February 2018 - 11:55 PM

What you are about to read is the information I have been able to assemble after interviews with an unidentified woman at an assisted living facility in Charleston.  I was contacted by a Rheumatologist who thought I would be interested in meeting a Jane Doe recently admitted.  Upon examination she was found to be in perfect health for a woman of sixty, but she claimed to be three hundred years old!

 

As I approached her in the recreation room, I introduced myself as a Psychologist who had been asked to speak with her.  She simply stated that she was born on a tropical island three hundred years ago and that she was the daughter of Virginia Dare.

 

This woman, that I now refer to as Jane Doe-Dare, went on to explain that she had managed to escape from a community where everyone was incredibly old and in perfect health.  She maintained that the reason for these conditions was because this organization has controlled the secret of eternal life for two thousand years.  This secrecy is strictly enforced, and anyone leaving the Community has their mind erased so they can not reveal the secret.

 

Initially, I was not impressed as the person relating the tale was a patient diagnosed with dementia.  Add to that, the fact that a videotape of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade was still in the recreation room on a table next to the VCR, I felt that her memories were most likely generated by the movie.



#2 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 11 February 2018 - 09:13 AM

What you are about to read is the information I have been able to assemble after interviews with an unidentified woman at an assisted living facility in Charleston.  I was contacted by a Rheumatologist who thought I would be interested in meeting a Jane Doe recently admitted.  Upon examination she was found to be in perfect health for a woman of sixty, but she claimed to be three hundred years old!

 

As I approached her in the recreation room, I introduced myself as a Psychologist who had been asked to speak with her.  She simply stated that she was born on a tropical island three hundred years ago and that she was the daughter of Virginia Dare.

 

This woman, that who? I now refer to as Jane Doe-Dare, went on to explain that she had managed to escape from a community where everyone was incredibly old and in perfect health.  She maintained that the reason for these conditions was because this organization has controlled the secret of eternal life for two thousand years.  This secrecy is strictly enforced, and anyone leaving the Community has their mind erased so they can not reveal the secret.

 

Initially, I was not impressed as the person relating the tale was a patient diagnosed with dementia.  Add to that, the fact that a videotape of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade was still in the recreation room on a table next to the VCR, I felt that her memories were most likely generated by the movie. (long sentence, might want to break up)

 

When I first started reading this, I thought the opening paragraph was you explaining to us how you came about writing the story, haha.

I like this! I want to know more! This flowed really well, and was never choppy.  My only thing would be the last sentence could be split it two, but I like your writing style :)



#3 anoldnewbie

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Posted 12 February 2018 - 12:22 AM

thanks for the info, I'll have to watch my who and that



#4 Ztwist

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Posted 12 February 2018 - 03:18 AM

I like that this is set up as a kind of report from an objective examiner. It is a clever start. Capitalizing words like Psychologist and Community make them seem ominous and as if they have a meaning that is not quite the traditional one. I have a feeling that might be accidental. 



#5 anoldnewbie

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 12:02 AM

The Community is sinister



#6 JDSmith

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Posted 25 February 2018 - 06:21 PM

The passage is intriguing and considering how it is structured and the narrator's job, I can see it as a journal being recorded. Personally, the first sentence felt a bit wordy and did not feel like much of a hook. The statement of her being 300 years old is what encouraged me to continue reading. As long as the rest of the story is less "telling" and more "showing" then this is a good beginning!


I'd really appreciate help with my query: Iris Mjolnir Spawn of War

 

First 250 words here: Woooo

 

Write on!





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