This is the first draft of a query letter for a little multi-pov science-fantasy novel I've just finished. Wondering if the meat of the query is too long?
She called it the Vagina-Alcatraz. You know, having the shitty luck of being born in a family that still believed a girl’s only worth was with a prince charming, cooking, cleaning and sneezing out babies. JK tried to fight it but her family all but rendered her powerless when they turned the boy who’d been like a brother to her into her worst tormentor.
So, when the island came calling, offering not just freedom but also the means to make sure no girl ever suffered the same bullcrap she did, J.K can’t jump onboard quickly enough. But what happens when the same bullcrap follows her to the island? What happens now that she actually has the means to tear them apart sphincter by bloody sphincter?
He once loved her like a sister. They were all but joined at the hip as kids. Then they grew up and discovered that people like them were preordained to hate each other not love. And as much as Derrick tried to fight it, the world around him refused to let him escape that hatred.
So, when the island came calling, offering a fresh start away from it all, Derrick can’t help but hope to rekindle what they once had. But can he truly rekindle the love he once had for her or will the scars her family left him with only tear them further apart?
The island gave them everything. Money was no longer an issue. They could have anything they wanted; cars, clothes…anything a teenager could ever ask for. And for all this, the island asked for nothing in return. But Taka has seen the island’s true face and knows the dangers of what it wants. But can he stop it before it tears his friends apart?