6 replies to this topic

[anoldnewbie]

While being interviewed, a Jane Doe admitted to a nursing home relates an incredible tale with implications that could change history!

 

I learned of this tale while interviewing a woman at an assisted living facility in Florida.  This woman known only as Jane Doe, claimed to be three hundred and fifty years old, and the daughter of Virginia Dare!  At the time, I was not sure if I was hearing the paranoid ramblings of a patient in a nursing home, or the actual memories of an incredible tale.  Though her mind had been virtually erased, Jane Doe-Dare was able to pique my interest into trying to learn more of her story.  From what she was able to tell me, along with some ragged papers in her possession, I have now been able to put forth this collaborative effort in, MEMORIES FROM AN ERASED MIND.  Jane Doe-Dare said she was a member of an organization that has existed in secrecy for over two thousand years. She claimed that her long life, as well as her health, was shared by every member of The Community because they had control of the secret of eternal life!  She also said the secrecy is maintained by erasing the memories of anyone who leaves The Community.

 

I feel Jane Doe-Dare is the only one qualified to write on this topic, I merely put it in a readable form. I will not feel safe attaching my name to the effort until it is published and then it will be too late for them to erase my mind.  I only hope I live long enough to see this story told, lest it be lost for another two thousand years.  While my degree and experience are in the area of Psychology, completing the research for MEMORIES FROM AN ERASED MIND, a work that can best be described as historical fiction, is complete at 70,000 words and is my first literary effort.

[Arait]

You keep saying "I." Is this really something that happened to you? If so, that's cool! (If it's just the voice of your narrator, that might not work so well.)

[DisgruntledWriter]

I really like this! I'm going to assume you are writing this query from the POV of your character  .  I think it's unique, but it works (unlike a lot of queries that try to be unique and fail utterly.)  I would suggest laying off the exclamation points, though, it distracts instead of adding emphasis.

[JP1994]

While being interviewed, a Jane Doe admitted to a nursing home relates an incredible tale with implications that could change history! (Very vague and generic. It needs a more personal flavour to it)

 

I learned of this tale while interviewing a woman at an assisted living facility in Florida.  This woman known only as Jane Doe, claimed to be three hundred and fifty years old, and the daughter of Virginia Dare!  At the time, I was not sure if I was hearing the paranoid ramblings of a patient in a nursing home, or the actual memories of an incredible tale.  Though her mind had been virtually erased, Jane Doe-Dare was able to pique my interest into trying to learn more of her story.  From what she was able to tell me, along with some ragged papers in her possession, I have now been able to put forth this collaborative effort in, MEMORIES FROM AN ERASED MIND.  Jane Doe-Dare said she was a member of an organization that has existed in secrecy for over two thousand years. She claimed that her long life, as well as her health, was shared by every member of The Community because they had control of the secret of eternal life!  She also said the secrecy is maintained by erasing the memories of anyone who leaves The Community. (This reads like a query for a non-fiction novel. Very matter-of-fact, no sense of conflict or intrigue)

 

I feel Jane Doe-Dare is the only one qualified to write on this topic, I merely put it in a readable form. I will not feel safe attaching my name to the effort until it is published and then it will be too late for them to erase my mind.  I only hope I live long enough to see this story told, lest it be lost for another two thousand years.  While my degree and experience are in the area of Psychology, completing the research for MEMORIES FROM AN ERASED MIND, a work that can best be described as historical fiction, is complete at 70,000 words and is my first literary effort. (So, it is a novel? It contains fictionalised events? Then you should write a novel query, not a non-fiction one.)

 

I feel like you've used the wrong format. Google some successful novel queries and consider re-writing.

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[smithgirl]

Yes, you need to rewrite this in proper query format.

[Wayfarer]

Echoing the rewrite.

[PureZhar3]

I would also have to echo that. Also, be careful with grammar and sentence structure - I spotted a few minor errors while glancing through your query.