After his village is destroyed and his mother is murdered a young yet intelligent boy named Riorin Higgsbury must get past demons in and around him to save his true love.
I was bored halfway through that sentence. Not what you want in a hook. Make it shorter, snappier, lively. Young yet intelligent is a boring description and makes me think Riorin is boring.
Riorin is skilled with a bow, but hates all violence. He is very smart, an avid reader he knows much about history and the world, but has yet to experience much of it. He has faced much discrimination due to being a half-elf in a town filled with nothing but humans so he also quite insecure. All of this is telling, not showing. Check your MS for this, because it won't fly in the publishing world.
After departing the remains of his home village with a mysterious ring he faces wolves, criminals, treachery, deceit, and strange hallucinations on his journey. Luckily, he soon finds a skilled thief named Sparrow, who seems to care about little other than wine and coins, but finds himself feeling a sense of virtue by helping out Riorin. Although his original attentions were to kill Riorin for a band of mercenaries, when his life is saved from the noose by Riorins intellect he instead decides to join his quest instead.
I can't stress this showing not telling part enough. You've heard it a thousand times, but you are not doing it. I'm bored by this query. I'm being harsh, but it's true. The sentences are long, the wording is dry, and the voice is flat. You need to have your MS read through by some beta readers to see if it reads like this query.
The two then decide to journey together and encounter a village plagued by bandits, and so they lead a group of volunteers and eradicate the mercenaries. Later that same night they are attack by another demons invasion where Riorin is saved by and old friend he long thought dead, who proceeds to reveal to Riorin his love is not who he thought she was and he has been deceived his entire life.
You can't tell us the ending in a query. Not unless the agent requests a synopsis as well. This ruins the entire appeal. The query is the back of the book, not the summary on Goodreads.
RIORIN HIGGSBURY VERSUS HELL is a 97,000 word fantasy novel with sequel potential that will appeal to fans of high fantasy like THE HOBBIT and fans of historical warrior culture like 47 Ronin.
Book titles are fully capitalized in query letters. You cannot compare your book to The Hobbit. It is wildly successful and was not published in the last five years. 97,000 words is a lot considering this character reads like a middle grader. How old is Riorin? Is he an adult or is this YA? Be specific.
I have produced a successful comic series called XXXXX and written original fantasy and romance stories for the past seven years. My name is XXXXX.
Again, be specific. Where was your comic series successful? If none of your stories have been published, don't put that in. Don't say your name in the query, the agents will read it at the bottom.
I sincerely thank you for your time and consideration. Here is the first twenty pages.