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Is this query good?


Best Answer Emily804 , 22 February 2018 - 06:24 PM

 

[Edited based on what I was told]

 

Dear XXXX


A young adult half-elf boy named Riorin was sure his life would never go beyond the village he resides in. However, his home is soon burned down and its residents slaughtered, leaving Riorin with nothing but a mysterious ring, his trusty bow, a burning scar, and a determination to save his lover from the hellspawn that took everything from him, even if it means facing beings he only ever thought existed in books.

 

Little does he know not everyone he grew up with is who he thought they were.


Riorin soon encounters bloodthirsty and bewitched wolves along with horrible distorted visions of his past on his journey across the continent. He is unsure as to why exactly these hardships are happening to him, but he knows if he does not find out the source he will soon succumb to them.

 

Luckily he soon meets Sparrow, a cunning criminal who is the opposite of him in nearly every way. Sparrow is on the payroll by band of rough mercenaries who want Riorin dead and intends to betray then assassinate Riorin but his crime catch up to him when a group of guards corner him.

 

Riorin persuades the guards Sparrow is not the man they seek by proving Sparrow is actually able to read, an ability uncommon for a thief, thereby saving his neck from the noose. Sparrow then makes a vow of brotherhood with Riorin instead, and leads him to confront the mercenaries where they find out Riorin was being targeted by a group of cult worshippers intending to sacrifice him for dark power. ​(Here it seems like you've reached the end of the story. The next paragraph shows that there's still a lot more left of the story, but consider eliminating some plot points and focusing more on the urgent generalities of the story that will make people intrigued and want to read it. This reads a bit more like a synopsis than a query, but some agents do want synopsis as well as queries, so you can use this for that if they ask for one.) 

 

Riorin and Sparrow travel through more deceit and find themselves thrust into the heart of a bloody struggle between innocents, bandits, and a horde of hellish abominations. They must now work with another small village strangely familiar to Riorin in order to survive the scourge and not let history repeat itself.

 
RIORIN HIGGSBURY VERSUS HELL is a 97,000 word YA fantasy novel with sequel potential that will appeal to fans of high fantasy like THE INHERITANCE ​(Just a small thing, but I believe it is called The Inheritance Cycle) and fans of historical warrior culture like 47 RONIN.
 
I chose you because your profile says you like original fantasy worlds with unique spins on classic worlds.
 
I have produced a successful online comic series called XXXXX and written original fantasy and romance stories for the past seven years online.
 
Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

I really like it. What I would say though is try to condense it a little. It's interesting but I think it's a bit on the long side, and the ending needs work. 

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#1 TevinLovesFantasy

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 06:40 PM

[Edited based on what I was told]

 

Dear XXXX


A young adult half-elf boy named Riorin was sure his life would never go beyond the village he resides in. However, his home is soon burned down and its residents slaughtered, leaving Riorin with nothing but a mysterious ring, his trusty bow, a glowing scar, and a determination to save his lover from the hellspawn that took everything from him, even if it means facing beings he only ever thought existed in books.

 

Little does he know not everyone he grew up with is who he thought they were.


Riorin soon encounters bloodthirsty and bewitched wolves along with horrible distorted visions of his past on his journey across the continent. He is unsure as to why exactly these hardships are happening to him, but he knows if he does not find out the source he will soon succumb to them.

 

Luckily he soon meets Sparrow, a cunning criminal who is the opposite of him in nearly every way. Sparrow is on the payroll by band of rough mercenaries who want Riorin dead and intends to betray then assassinate Riorin but his crimes catch up to him when a group of guards corner him.

 

Riorin is able to dashingly save Sparrow from the noose, and so they shake hands and vow to be brothers.

 

Riorin and Sparrow travel through more deceit and find themselves thrust into the heart of a bloody struggle between innocents, bandits, and a horde of hellish abominations. They must now work with another small village strangely familiar to Riorin in order to survive the scourge and not let history repeat itself.

 
RIORIN HIGGSBURY VERSUS HELL is a 97,000 word YA fantasy novel with sequel potential that will appeal to fans of high fantasy like THE INHERITANCE CYCLE and fans of historical warrior culture like 47 RONIN.
 
I chose you because your profile says you like original fantasy worlds with unique spins on classic worlds.
 
I have produced a successful online comic series called XXXXX on webtoons and written original fantasy and romance stories for the past seven years online.
 
Thank you for your time and consideration.
 
[I've given up on querying and getting an agent, someone please tell me how to delete this post]


#2 JP1994

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 07:38 PM

 

Dear XXXX

 
I would really love for you to be the agent to help get my book published. (Very generic personalization. When introducing yourself to an agent, particularly one who's well known, mention you're a fan of some novels they've represented or that you've read what they're looking and that your novel may be suitable.) Here is the synopsis: (I assume you mean query letter, because you've formatted it like one)
 
After living in a small, peaceful town in a world of magic and monsters young and innocent, (Mouthful. Condense) half-elf Riorin Higgsbury loses everything in a bloody and brutal attack by demons. He must then embark on a quest to save his true love through trials filled with wolves, thieves, murderers, and more evil in a high fantasy tale. (Another mouthful and very tell-y. Need to re-write into something sharper, something that'll get your heart beating)
 
The story starts with Riorin  going through one full day in his home where the world and backstory is introduced. Riorin is half-elf who is quite innocent and intelligent, yet insecure. Although he detests fighting, he still has dealt with it due to being a half-elf in a town fleed with humans. The next day he finally has his first kiss with his childhood friend Bethany before his home is destroyed. After seeing his mother die and Bethany get dragged off by a demon he starts his journey to his brother Artix and soon encounters a criminal named Sparrow, who we then change to the perspective of. (More telling over showing. Re-write the whole thing)
 
Sparrow is a charming morally gray thief who has been through some things in his own life as well. He is lustful, bisexual, and unparalled with his rapier skills. They bond despite Sparrow intending to kill him for a mercenary group and when Riorin saves his life they confront the mercenaries. They end up deciding to journey together, but soon encounter another demon attack where they are saved by an old friend Riorin thought long dead. It ends where it is revealed Bethany is not who Riorin thought she was. (Ditto)
 
Riorin Higgsbury Versus Hell, my debut novel, is a high fantasy novel with romantic elements at over a complete at 96,000 words count. It is also the beginning of a trilogy with series potential. It will appeal to fans of books like The Hobbit and 47 ronin. I wrote it all in a few months, and spent several other months revising it and researching the works of J.R.R. Tolkien, William Shakespeare, and J.K. Rowling. (An agent won't care about all the hard work you've put in.)
 
I have produced a successful online comic series and made original stories for the past six years of my life. My name is XXXXX. (Writing experience is good. Make sure you mention the name of it when you query an agent.)
Thank you for your time. I really hope you will allow me to send you the full manuscript. (Don't grovel)
 

 

 

I risk being presumptuous, but it seems like you've never read a query letter before. Very little of this works. You need an enticing hook; a main body that outlines main characters, the core conflict, stakes; and a writing style that does all of the aforementioned in an exciting albeit succinct way.

 

Apologies if my critique seems harsh, but this entire query is in need of a re-write. Google some successful letters and plagiarise a bit. We can work from there.

<script> </script>



#3 Laurie E. Smith

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 07:41 PM

Very few people get query letters right the first time around. This one is no exception. :)
 

 

Dear XXXX

 
I would really love for you to be the agent to help get my book published. (This comes across as ingratiating, at least to me -- and obvious, because why else would you be writing to them?) Here is the synopsis: (Again, too obvious. Leave them both out and go straight to the "hook" line of the query.)
 
After living in a small, peaceful town in a world of magic and monsters (add comma) young and innocent half-elf Riorin Higgsbury loses everything in a bloody and brutal attack by demons. He must then (unnecessary) embark on a quest to save his true love through trials filled with wolves, thieves, murderers, and more evil in a high fantasy tale. (All this is very general and very vague. I feel no engagement with your main character and no emotional stakes in his troubles.)
 
The story starts with (don't need this!) Riorin  going through one full day in his home where the world and backstory is introduced. (We don't want to hear the mechanics of your storytelling. We want to feel immersed in the characters and the world, not like you're telling us how you're going to tell us the tale.) Riorin is half-elf who is quite innocent and intelligent, (you already said this earlier) yet insecure. Although he detests fighting, he still has dealt with it due to being a half-elf in a town fleed with humans. (Why? How?) The next day he finally has his first kiss with his childhood friend Bethany before his home is destroyed. (Poorly phrased, anticlimactic, no emotional engagement for me as a reader.) After seeing his mother die and Bethany get dragged off by a demon (insert comma) he starts his journey to (find?) his brother Artix and soon encounters a criminal named Sparrow, who we then change to the perspective of. (Again, you don't need "how I wrote this" notes in the query letter. It just bogs things down and pulls the reader out of the story.)
 
Sparrow is a charming (add comma) morally gray thief who has been through some things in his own life as well. (Too vague. WHAT has he been through? What are teh emotional stakes?) He is lustful, bisexual, (oh boy, the stereotype of the over-sexed bisexual!) and unparalled with his rapier skills. They bond despite Sparrow intending to kill him for a mercenary group (add comma) and when Riorin saves his life (why? how?) they confront the mercenaries. They end up deciding to journey together (why?), but soon encounter another demon attack where they are saved by an old friend Riorin thought long dead. It ends where it is revealed Bethany is not who Riorin thought she was. (Again -- DON'T TELL US HOW YOU'RE TELLING THE STORY. Just tell it, and make us care why Bethany isn't who he thought she was. Which at this point, I certainly don't.)
 
Riorin Higgsbury Versus Hell (either ALL CAPS or "In Quotation Marks"), my debut novel, is a high fantasy with romantic elements at over a 96,000 word count. (Don't say "over". Round it up or down to the nearest thousand.) It is also the beginning of a trilogy. It will appeal to fans of books like The Hobbit and 47 ronin. (Again, titles either ALL CAPS or "In Quotation Marks") I wrote it all in a few months, and spent several other months revising it (this sounds really rushed for a novel, I wouldn't advertise it if I were you) and researching the works of J.R.R. Tolkien, William Shakespeare, and J.K. Rowling.
 
I have produced a successful online comic series (Name?) and made ("written" or "created") original stories (genre? length?) for the past six years of my life. My name is XXXXX.
 
{Add paragraph spacing.)
Thank you for your time. I really hope you will allow me to send you the full manuscript. (You don't need this, it's assumed that a request for the full MS is what you're aiming for.)
 

 

Whew. Okay... I highly recommend that you go to the "Query Shark" blog and study some of the queries posted there -- the blog creator lives to deconstruct bad query letters and point out what makes good query letters work. Because this first draft you've posted is quite clunky, contains too much information in some places and too little information in others, and generally needs a good overhaul. But take heart! You CAN improve, it's just a matter of listening to the crits you'll receive and working hard at the task. I wish you all the best. :)



#4 rhwashere

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 07:59 PM

 

Dear XXXX

 
I would really love for you to be the agent to help get my book published. Here is the synopsis: (All this is implied by your sending the query letter. You should open with the start of your story. Also, a synopsis is different from a query.)
 
After living in a small, peaceful town in a world of magic and monsters young and innocent half-elf Riorin Higgsbury loses everything in a bloody and brutal attack by demons. He must then embark on a quest to save his true love through trials filled with wolves, thieves, murderers, and more evil in a high fantasy tale. (All this is telling me what you should be showing me throughout the query.)
 
The story starts with Riorin  going through one full day in his home where the world and backstory is introduced. (A query is meant to tell a miniature version of the first act of your story in such a way that it makes us want to read more. This first sentence is not only telling instead of showing, it reads like a blueprint for the structure of your novel. That is not what you should be doing here). Riorin is half-elf who is quite innocent and intelligent, yet insecure (All telling. You should be showing this through a specific thing or things that he does). Although he detests fighting, he still has dealt with it due to being a half-elf in a town fleed with humans. The next day he finally has his first kiss with his childhood friend Bethany before his home is destroyed. After seeing his mother die and Bethany get dragged off by a demon he starts his journey to his brother Artix and soon encounters a criminal named Sparrow, who we then change to the perspective of. (Never end a sentence with "of"; also, see my notes above)
 
Sparrow is a charming morally gray (telling) thief who has been through some things in his own life as well. He is lustful, bisexual, and unparalled with his rapier skills. (telling, telling, telling) They bond despite Sparrow intending to kill him for a mercenary group and when Riorin saves his life they confront the mercenaries. They end up deciding to journey together, but soon encounter another demon attack where they are saved by an old friend Riorin thought long dead. It ends where it is revealed Bethany is not who Riorin thought she was.
 
Riorin Higgsbury Versus Hell, my debut novel, is a high fantasy with romantic elements at over a 96,000 word count. It is also the beginning of a trilogy. It will appeal to fans of books like The Hobbit and 47 ronin. I wrote it all in a few months, and spent several other months revising it and researching the works of J.R.R. Tolkien, William Shakespeare, and J.K. Rowling.
 
I have produced a successful online comic series and made original stories for the past six years of my life. My name is XXXXX.
Thank you for your time. I really hope you will allow me to send you the full manuscript.
 

 

Okay, so I have to tell you that this is in no way, shape, or form ready to be a successful query. You should scrap all of this and start doing some significant research before you write a new query letter. I'm not saying this to insult, only to help. My notes above are just scratching the surface of what needs work, but I included them to give you a direction to start in.

 

The following websites are resources you should really get to know, inside and out: janefriedman.com; Writer's Digest (especially the Successful Queries series); QueryShark; and you will find more links in the pinned threads at the top of this forum.

 

Among the good advice you'll get at these sites is that your query should start with the main character and quickly establish (by means of showing instead of telling) what he/she wants, what's stopping him/her from getting it, what choice does he/she have to make, and what does he/she stand to lose by making said choice.

 

But you should also read everything you can on what makes good writing. It's clear from your query that your skills need sharpening, but that's okay. Everybody does in the beginning. So, work on improving your craft, and the query letter will become easier!


Please feel free to critique my query: http://agentquerycon...51718/?p=356935


#5 TevinLovesFantasy

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 08:28 PM

Very few people get query letters right the first time around. This one is no exception. :)
 

Whew. Okay... I highly recommend that you go to the "Query Shark" blog and study some of the queries posted there -- the blog creator lives to deconstruct bad query letters and point out what makes good query letters work. Because this first draft you've posted is quite clunky, contains too much information in some places and too little information in others, and generally needs a good overhaul. But take heart! You CAN improve, it's just a matter of listening to the crits you'll receive and working hard at the task. I wish you all the best. :)

 

Okay, so I have to tell you that this is in no way, shape, or form ready to be a successful query. You should scrap all of this and start doing some significant research before you write a new query letter. I'm not saying this to insult, only to help. My notes above are just scratching the surface of what needs work, but I included them to give you a direction to start in.

 

The following websites are resources you should really get to know, inside and out: janefriedman.com; Writer's Digest (especially the Successful Queries series); QueryShark; and you will find more links in the pinned threads at the top of this forum.

 

Among the good advice you'll get at these sites is that your query should start with the main character and quickly establish (by means of showing instead of telling) what he/she wants, what's stopping him/her from getting it, what choice does he/she have to make, and what does he/she stand to lose by making said choice.

 

But you should also read everything you can on what makes good writing. It's clear from your query that your skills need sharpening, but that's okay. Everybody does in the beginning. So, work on improving your craft, and the query letter will become easier!

 

I risk being presumptuous, but it seems like you've never read a query letter before. Very little of this works. You need an enticing hook; a main body that outlines main characters, the core conflict, stakes; and a writing style that does all of the aforementioned in an exciting albeit succinct way.

 

Apologies if my critique seems harsh, but this entire query is in need of a re-write. Google some successful letters and plagiarise a bit. We can work from there.

<script> </script>

 

 

 

Thanks to the three of you, but I neglected to mention the agent I am currently planning to send this to specifically claimed my synopsis be a two-pager. Other than that great feedback but I will try and revise it to make it seem more showy than telly, but I do not think I can shorten it if it has to be two pages.

 

As for the gent I decided to mention his companies books and why mine match his own particular interests, I just did not add them on here for privacy reasons.



#6 Wayfarer

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 08:41 PM

An Agent wants a TWO PAGE synopsis as a query? I'm skeptical of this Agents legitimacy.



#7 TevinLovesFantasy

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 08:45 PM

An Agent wants a TWO PAGE synopsis as a query? I'm skeptical of this Agents legitimacy.

Really? Then maybe I should go for another. I did feel my query is pretty long. It was the third search result for my genre though.



#8 TevinLovesFantasy

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 08:47 PM

Come to think of it, his submission guideline also said he wanted the first fifty pages... that sounds like a bit much.



#9 JP1994

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Posted 13 February 2018 - 09:00 PM

The majority of agents will want a 200-500-word query letter, a 1-2 page synopsis, and the first 3 chapters or 10,000 words of your novel.

 

A 2-page synopsis that's formatted like a query letter is very unorthodox.



#10 Springfield

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Posted 14 February 2018 - 01:13 AM

 

Dear XXXX

 
I would really love for you to be the agent to help get my book published. Here is the synopsis: Is this a synopsis or a query?
 

After living in a small, peaceful town in a world of magic and monsters young and innocent half-elf Riorin Higgsbury loses everything in a bloody and brutal attack by demons. There's missing punctuation and this is very telly and generic.He must then embark on a quest to save his true love through trials filled with wolves, thieves, murderers, and more evil in a high fantasy tale.

 
The story starts Nope. You need to do research into what goes into a query -- or a synopsis, as I don't know what you mean to write. Neither one should start like that though. with Riorin  going through one full day in his home where the world and backstory is introduced. Riorin is half-elf who is quite innocent and intelligent, yet insecure. Although he detests fighting, he still has dealt with it due to being a half-elf in a town fleed with humans. The next day he finally has his first kiss with his childhood friend Bethany before his home is destroyed. After seeing his mother die and Bethany get dragged off by a demon he starts his journey to his brother Artix and soon encounters a criminal named Sparrow, who we then change to the perspective of. 
 
Sparrow is a charming morally gray thief who has been through some things in his own life as well. He is lustful, bisexual, and unparalled with his rapier skills. They bond despite Sparrow intending to kill him for a mercenary group and when Riorin saves his life they confront the mercenaries. They end up deciding to journey together, but soon encounter another demon attack where they are saved by an old friend Riorin thought long dead. It ends where it is revealed Bethany is not who Riorin thought she was.
 
Riorin Higgsbury Versus Hell, my debut novel, is a high fantasy with romantic elements at over a 96,000 word count. It is also the beginning of a trilogy. It will appeal to fans of books like The Hobbit and 47 ronin. I wrote it all in a few months, and spent several other months revising it and researching the works of J.R.R. Tolkien, William Shakespeare, and J.K. Rowling. These comps are bad enough that people could reject on this paragraph alone. Don't do that to yourself.
 
I have produced a successful online comic series and made original stories for the past six years of my life. My name is XXXXX.
Thank you for your time. I really hope you will allow me to send you the full manuscript.
 

 

 

Read a bunch of threads, read the archives at queryshark, then start over. 


Thanks to the three of you, but I neglected to mention the agent I am currently planning to send this to specifically claimed my synopsis be a two-pager. Other than that great feedback but I will try and revise it to make it seem more showy than telly, but I do not think I can shorten it if it has to be two pages.

 

As for the gent I decided to mention his companies books and why mine match his own particular interests, I just did not add them on here for privacy reasons.

 

A synopsis is different from a query. A two-page synopsis isn't nuts. A two-page query is.



#11 Arait

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Posted 14 February 2018 - 01:43 AM

Agents don't have to mention they want a query letter because that's a given. If the agent said a two page synopsis, that is in addition to the query.

We'll be there to help you polish off both! (There's another thread for synopses.) But please do some research into what each of them should sound like first. ☺️

#12 Maddie978

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Posted 15 February 2018 - 08:28 PM

 

[Edited based on what I was told]

 

Dear XXXX


After his village is destroyed and his mother is murdered a young yet intelligent boy named Riorin Higgsbury must get past demons in and around him to save his true love.

 

I was bored halfway through that sentence. Not what you want in a hook. Make it shorter, snappier, lively. Young yet intelligent is a boring description and makes me think Riorin is boring. 


Riorin is skilled with a bow, but hates all violence. He is very smart, an avid reader he knows much about history and the world, but has yet to experience much of it. He has faced much discrimination due to being a half-elf in a town filled with nothing but humans so he also quite insecure. All of this is telling, not showing. Check your MS for this, because it won't fly in the publishing world. 


After departing the remains of his home village with a mysterious ring he faces wolves, criminals, treachery, deceit, and strange hallucinations on his journey. Luckily, he soon finds a skilled thief named Sparrow, who seems to care about little other than wine and coins, but finds himself feeling a sense of virtue by helping out Riorin. Although his original attentions were to kill Riorin for a band of mercenaries, when his life is saved from the noose by Riorins intellect he instead decides to join his quest instead.

 

I can't stress this showing not telling part enough. You've heard it a thousand times, but you are not doing it. I'm bored by this query. I'm being harsh, but it's true. The sentences are long, the wording is dry, and the voice is flat. You need to have your MS read through by some beta readers to see if it reads like this query. 


The two then decide to journey together and encounter a village plagued by bandits, and so they lead a group of volunteers and eradicate the mercenaries. Later that same night they are attack by another demons invasion where Riorin is saved by and old friend he long thought dead, who proceeds to reveal to Riorin his love is not who he thought she was and he has been deceived his entire life.

 
You can't tell us the ending in a query. Not unless the agent requests a synopsis as well. This ruins the entire appeal. The query is the back of the book, not the summary on Goodreads. 
 
RIORIN HIGGSBURY VERSUS HELL is a 97,000 word fantasy novel with sequel potential that will appeal to fans of high fantasy like THE HOBBIT and fans of historical warrior culture like 47 Ronin.
 
Book titles are fully capitalized in query letters. You cannot compare your book to The Hobbit. It is wildly successful and was not published in the last five years. 97,000 words is a lot considering this character reads like a middle grader. How old is Riorin? Is he an adult or is this YA? Be specific. 
 
I have produced a successful comic series called XXXXX and written original fantasy and romance stories for the past seven years. My name is XXXXX.
 
Again, be specific. Where was your comic series successful? If none of your stories have been published, don't put that in. Don't say your name in the query, the agents will read it at the bottom. 
 
I sincerely thank you for your time and consideration. Here is the first twenty pages.

 

Make sure you have the number of pages the agent asked for. Not just twenty regardless. Also, you don't have to tell them you're following their guidelines. They assume you will. 

 

This needs a lot of work. I'm hoping your MS is a lot more polished and you're just having first draft jitters. If not, get some beta readers and do some serious revising before you consider querying. 


                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         

 

 

http://agentquerycon...cience-fiction/


#13 TevinLovesFantasy

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Posted 17 February 2018 - 09:13 PM

This needs a lot of work. I'm hoping your MS is a lot more polished and you're just having first draft jitters. If not, get some beta readers and do some serious revising before you consider querying. 

What's an MS? And please try to put your edit and suggestions in color. I have been looking for some beta readers but every site I go to will not allow me to do so. The only people I have shown so far are my teachers, who love it.

 

I keep redoing this over and over again to try and "show not tell" but every single time all i get is told I'm not doing it. Why don't you show me how to do it?



#14 rhwashere

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Posted 17 February 2018 - 09:42 PM

Telling: “Riorin is skilled with a bow, but hates all violence. He is very smart, an avid reader he knows much about history and the world, but has yet to experience much of it.”

Showing: “While the embers of his razed village still burn, Riorin grabs his bow and sets out to save the woman he loves, traveling a dangerous world he’s only read about in books.”

See the difference? Rather than telling us he’s good with a bow, show him doing something with it (even if it’s just grabbing it; your mentioning a bow implies that he knows how to use it). Instead of saying he’s smart but inexperienced, show him entering the world outside his village for the first time. Instead of outright telling us things, imply those things with the characters actions, thoughts, or emotions.

And MS = manuscript.

Please feel free to critique my query: http://agentquerycon...51718/?p=356935


#15 TevinLovesFantasy

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Posted 17 February 2018 - 10:32 PM

Telling: “Riorin is skilled with a bow, but hates all violence. He is very smart, an avid reader he knows much about history and the world, but has yet to experience much of it.”

Showing: “While the embers of his razed village still burn, Riorin grabs his bow and sets out to save the woman he loves, traveling a dangerous world he’s only read about in books.”

See the difference? Rather than telling us he’s good with a bow, show him doing something with it (even if it’s just grabbing it; your mentioning a bow implies that he knows how to use it). Instead of saying he’s smart but inexperienced, show him entering the world outside his village for the first time. Instead of outright telling us things, imply those things with the characters actions, thoughts, or emotions.

And MS = manuscript.

 

 

Okay I spent two hours redoing it is this better?

 

Dear XXXX


A young adult half-elf boy named Riorin was sure his life would never go beyond the village he resides in. However, his home is soon burned down and its residents slaughtered, leaving Riorin with nothing but a mysterious ring, his trusty bow, a burning scar, and a determination to save his lover from the hellspawn that took everything from him, even if it means facing beings he only ever thought existed in books.

 

Little does he know not everyone he grew up with is who he thought they were.


Riorin soon encounters bloodthirsty and bewitched wolves along with horrible distorted visions of his past on his journey across the continent. He is unsure as to why exactly these hardships are happening to him, but he knows if he does not find out the source he will soon succumb to them.

 

Luckily he soon meets Sparrow, a cunning criminal who is the opposite of him in nearly every way. Sparrow is on the payroll by band of rough mercenaries who want Riorin dead and intends to betray then assassinate Riorin but his crime catch up to him when a group of guards corner him.

 

Riorin persuades the guards Sparrow is not the man they seek by proving Sparrow is actually able to read, an ability uncommon for a thief, thereby saving his neck from the noose. Sparrow then makes a vow of brotherhood with Riorin instead, and leads him to confront the mercenaries where they find out Riorin was being targeted by a group of cult worshippers intending to sacrifice him for dark power.

 

Riorin and Sparrow travel through more deceit and find themselves thrust into the heart of a bloody struggle between innocents, bandits, and a horde of hellish abominations. They must now work with another small village strangely familiar to Riorin in order to survive the scourge and not let history repeat itself.

 
RIORIN HIGGSBURY VERSUS HELL is a 97,000 word YA fantasy novel with sequel potential that will appeal to fans of high fantasy like THE INHERITANCE and fans of historical warrior culture like 47 RONIN.
 
I chose you because your profile says you like original fantasy worlds with unique spins on classic worlds.
 
I have produced a successful online comic series called XXXXX and written original fantasy and romance stories for the past seven years online.
 
Thank you for your time and consideration.


#16 Springfield

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Posted 17 February 2018 - 11:14 PM

 

Okay I spent two hours redoing it is this better?

 

Dear XXXX


A young adult half-elf boy named Riorin was sure his life would never go beyond the village he resides in. However, his home is soon burned down and its residents slaughtered, leaving Riorin with nothing but a mysterious ring, his trusty bow, a burning scar, seriously? and a determination to save his lover from the hellspawn that took everything from him, even if it means facing beings he only ever thought existed in books. There's way too much telly info in here.

 

Little does he know not everyone he grew up with is who he thought they were.


Riorin soon encounters bloodthirsty and bewitched wolves along with horrible distorted visions of his past on his journey across the continent. He is unsure as to why exactly these hardships are happening to him, but he knows if he does not find out the source he will soon succumb to them. There's no info explaining this, and it's also telly. What is his actual problem, and age?

 

Luckily he soon meets Sparrow, a cunning criminal who is the opposite of him in nearly every way. Sparrow is on the payroll by band of rough mercenaries who want Riorin dead and intends to betray then assassinate Riorin but his crime catch up to him when a group of guards corner him.

 

Riorin persuades the guards Sparrow is not the man they seek by proving Sparrow is actually able to read, an ability uncommon for a thief, thereby saving his neck from the noose. Sparrow then makes a vow of brotherhood with Riorin instead, and leads him to confront the mercenaries where they find out Riorin was being targeted by a group of cult worshippers intending to sacrifice him for dark power.

 

Riorin and Sparrow travel through more deceit and find themselves thrust into the heart of a bloody struggle between innocents, bandits, and a horde of hellish abominations. They must now work with another small village strangely familiar to Riorin in order to survive the scourge and not let history repeat itself.

 
RIORIN HIGGSBURY VERSUS HELL is a 97,000 word YA fantasy novel with sequel potential that will appeal to fans of high fantasy like THE INHERITANCE and fans of historical warrior culture like 47 RONIN.
 
I chose you because your profile says you like original fantasy worlds with unique spins on classic worlds.
 
I have produced a successful online comic series called XXXXX and written original fantasy and romance stories for the past seven years online.
 
Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

 

This is very telly, and synopsis-like, but I'm not getting much of the plot besides a pretty generic-sounding quest/trek mashup kind of thing. Character, problem, stakes.



#17 TevinLovesFantasy

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Posted 18 February 2018 - 12:23 AM

This is very telly, and synopsis-like, but I'm not getting much of the plot besides a pretty generic-sounding quest/trek mashup kind of thing. Character, problem, stakes.

Gee, I tried copying off a successful query for this one. It seems like everyone has a different idea for what I should do...



#18 Springfield

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Posted 18 February 2018 - 12:30 AM

Gee, I tried copying off a successful query for this one. It seems like everyone has a different idea for what I should do...

 

Looking at the thread, I see a decent amount of agreement about what you need to do?



#19 TevinLovesFantasy

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Posted 18 February 2018 - 04:49 AM

Looking at the thread, I see a decent amount of agreement about what you need to do?

Nah I posted this on absolute write water cooler and got a ton of positive responses.



#20 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 18 February 2018 - 10:29 AM

Nah I posted this on absolute write water cooler and got a ton of positive responses.

 

Cool, then send off your query as is and stop wasting these people's valuable time.






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