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Is this query good?


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#21 MICRONESIA

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Posted 18 February 2018 - 12:21 PM

Have you noticed that the posters delusional about their queries are the same ones who never critique anyone else's?


A Darkness in Spring (query | synopsis)


#22 TevinLovesFantasy

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Posted 18 February 2018 - 04:34 PM

Have you noticed that the posters delusional about their queries are the same ones who never critique anyone else's?

 

 

Cool, then send off your query as is and stop wasting these people's valuable time.

If I were delusional about my query I wouldn't keep trying to change it. The fact that so many people on here want to help lets me know I need to improve. You two really aren't helping.



#23 galian84

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Posted 18 February 2018 - 06:56 PM

The other critters have given you some very good advice, already. We're all trying to help each other, here. Needs more specifics...I love a good fantasy story but unfortunately your query didn't thrill me. What makes it different from all the other high fantasies of this type? Right now, unfortunately it's coming off as very generic. This is reading like a synopsis, not a query letter. What is the main conflict? Focus on that.  What does the MC want and what's stopping him from getting it? 

 

I didn't do a line-by-line because I feel like there's still a lot of work that needs to be done and could do with another rewrite. I'd love to take a look at your revised version, if you decide to post another revision. Good luck!



#24 MICRONESIA

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Posted 18 February 2018 - 07:37 PM

If I were delusional about my query I wouldn't keep trying to change it. The fact that so many people on here want to help lets me know I need to improve. You two really aren't helping.

 

Not my point. It just annoys me that people have helped you already, but you've done nothing to reciprocate. But it's not just you that does this -- so I'm probably being unfair.

 

That said, helping others will help YOU get better with YOURS. You'll see why certain things work and 98% of the other things don't.

 

As for your query, it's dry and reads like a synopsis. Distill it down to the essentials, inject some voice, give us a better sense of the choices the MC must make.


A Darkness in Spring (query | synopsis)


#25 TevinLovesFantasy

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Posted 18 February 2018 - 09:01 PM

Not my point. It just annoys me that people have helped you already, but you've done nothing to reciprocate. But it's not just you that does this -- so I'm probably being unfair.

 

That said, helping others will help YOU get better with YOURS. You'll see why certain things work and 98% of the other things don't.

 

As for your query, it's dry and reads like a synopsis. Distill it down to the essentials, inject some voice, give us a better sense of the choices the MC must make.

Ohhhh sorry I misunderstood.

 

Well I have looked at other querys but I decided I should learn to give an okay query myself before I try helping others. I have looked at three other querys so far and I couldn't see anything wrong with them, but when I looked down in the comments other people did so I don't think I am ready to help others quite yet. I will when I see my query get a positive reply though.



#26 TevinLovesFantasy

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Posted 18 February 2018 - 09:03 PM

The other critters have given you some very good advice, already. We're all trying to help each other, here. Needs more specifics...I love a good fantasy story but unfortunately your query didn't thrill me. What makes it different from all the other high fantasies of this type? Right now, unfortunately it's coming off as very generic. This is reading like a synopsis, not a query letter. What is the main conflict? Focus on that.  What does the MC want and what's stopping him from getting it? 

 

I didn't do a line-by-line because I feel like there's still a lot of work that needs to be done and could do with another rewrite. I'd love to take a look at your revised version, if you decide to post another revision. Good luck!

I have a lot of trouble comparing mine to others because the first thing I think of when I think high fantasy is J. R. R. Tolkien and his is way better than anything I could ever make.

 

The best unique things I could think of is my blending of real warrior culture like Samurai and Trojans with fictional races, does that sound like something I should mention?



#27 lnloft

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Posted 18 February 2018 - 09:12 PM

The best unique things I could think of is my blending of real warrior culture like Samurai and Trojans with fictional races, does that sound like something I should mention?

It's certainly an angle to try as an approach. But what makes your story unique doesn't just have to be about the world it's set in. What makes the characters special, as people we want to spend 97,000 words hanging out with? What twists and turns does your story take that will keep us reading until 2 in the morning? Show us your voice, so that even when you're telling parts of a story that have been used countless times by other authors it still feels like something fresh and new. That's what we mean by showing how your story is different.



#28 galian84

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Posted 18 February 2018 - 09:38 PM

It's certainly an angle to try as an approach. But what makes your story unique doesn't just have to be about the world it's set in. What makes the characters special, as people we want to spend 97,000 words hanging out with? What twists and turns does your story take that will keep us reading until 2 in the morning? Show us your voice, so that even when you're telling parts of a story that have been used countless times by other authors it still feels like something fresh and new. That's what we mean by showing how your story is different.

Seconded, you've said this better than I ever could



#29 EmilyBarker804

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Posted 22 February 2018 - 06:24 PM

 

[Edited based on what I was told]

 

Dear XXXX


A young adult half-elf boy named Riorin was sure his life would never go beyond the village he resides in. However, his home is soon burned down and its residents slaughtered, leaving Riorin with nothing but a mysterious ring, his trusty bow, a burning scar, and a determination to save his lover from the hellspawn that took everything from him, even if it means facing beings he only ever thought existed in books.

 

Little does he know not everyone he grew up with is who he thought they were.


Riorin soon encounters bloodthirsty and bewitched wolves along with horrible distorted visions of his past on his journey across the continent. He is unsure as to why exactly these hardships are happening to him, but he knows if he does not find out the source he will soon succumb to them.

 

Luckily he soon meets Sparrow, a cunning criminal who is the opposite of him in nearly every way. Sparrow is on the payroll by band of rough mercenaries who want Riorin dead and intends to betray then assassinate Riorin but his crime catch up to him when a group of guards corner him.

 

Riorin persuades the guards Sparrow is not the man they seek by proving Sparrow is actually able to read, an ability uncommon for a thief, thereby saving his neck from the noose. Sparrow then makes a vow of brotherhood with Riorin instead, and leads him to confront the mercenaries where they find out Riorin was being targeted by a group of cult worshippers intending to sacrifice him for dark power. ​(Here it seems like you've reached the end of the story. The next paragraph shows that there's still a lot more left of the story, but consider eliminating some plot points and focusing more on the urgent generalities of the story that will make people intrigued and want to read it. This reads a bit more like a synopsis than a query, but some agents do want synopsis as well as queries, so you can use this for that if they ask for one.) 

 

Riorin and Sparrow travel through more deceit and find themselves thrust into the heart of a bloody struggle between innocents, bandits, and a horde of hellish abominations. They must now work with another small village strangely familiar to Riorin in order to survive the scourge and not let history repeat itself.

 
RIORIN HIGGSBURY VERSUS HELL is a 97,000 word YA fantasy novel with sequel potential that will appeal to fans of high fantasy like THE INHERITANCE ​(Just a small thing, but I believe it is called The Inheritance Cycle) and fans of historical warrior culture like 47 RONIN.
 
I chose you because your profile says you like original fantasy worlds with unique spins on classic worlds.
 
I have produced a successful online comic series called XXXXX and written original fantasy and romance stories for the past seven years online.
 
Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

I really like it. What I would say though is try to condense it a little. It's interesting but I think it's a bit on the long side, and the ending needs work. 






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