In September 1941 the New York Times described “a fantastic treasure” that was supposedly buried in Japan in 1868. Historians dismissed the story as a fanciful myth, but in my 127,500 word “history mystery”, Samurai Gold, the reader learns that the treasure amounting to roughly $30 million was indeed buried—-not in Japan, but in Rhode Island. As stated, this is not a super interesting beginning, and although "history mystery" is hilarious, it's not a genre. Not sure where you are in the revision process, but I started around 130k and eliminated 20k just in unnecessary wording. This helped me a lot: https://www.helpingw...oks-word-count/
Samurai Gold chronicles a desperate something about the wording here slows everything down for me, instead of being placed in the action you're telling me about it second hand effort to put down the rebellion threatening the 250-year-old rule of the Tokugawa Shōguns by sending two unlikely heroes to America on a secret mission: Tomita Yuki, an English speaking samurai, and a hard drinking, former Union Army officer who is accompanied by his daughter Mary. Or is she? I like your samurai, but the daughter line throws me, I'm not sure if I'm supposed to wonder if he's her "daughter" or if she actually came with him...
An attempted robbery, murder, and the bankruptcy of the Spencer Repeating Rifle Company forces Tomita to return to Japan for help why? I fail to see how this connects to him. He buries the gold in Rhode Island and unwillingly leaves Mary who is pregnant with their love child Ah, got it. I'd clear this up in the first paragraph- refer to her as a mistress disguised as his daughter, or something. But in Japan he is mortally wounded and commits suicide Wait, so the story isn't about this guy?. Thus, the whereabouts of the gold is lost, or so it would seem Wouldn't knocked-up Mary know where the gold is? And if he left it to her why wouldn't she go get it?.
One hundred and fifty years later, Parker West,
the latter-day hero we need to get to Parker sooner if he's your main guy discovers a clue to the treasure. He sets out to find it with the help of an aging Japanese historian and his twenty-something niece You've mentioned five characters now (six if you count the unborn child) and typically you want to keep your query focused on just the main one or two characters. All the while, a psychopathic criminal stalks them Whoa, what? I thought I was reading about treasure hunters, not crazy murderers. Somehow he knows about the gold too Per your prior intro, doesn't everyone "know" about the gold? Does he know it's in RH instead of Japan, that it's real, etc. Be more specific or remove him. In an ancient Buddhist temple, Parker discovers a critical clue and is stunned by an unexpected revelation. In the riveting climax, West unravels the final clue, and he and his nemesis face off in a life-or-death struggle in a Rhode Island cemetery. Don't tells us how it ends, (or how we should feel during the end, let us get there ourselves), or you risk ruining it. This is your novel's "movie trailer" not the spoiler alert rotten tomato review :)
Samurai Gold is not merely about samurai, swords, greed and murder. Love, Japanese culture, history, and written Japanese are all integral to the plot.It's never just about the obvious, or it shouldn't be. You need to trust the reader to figure out the themes I carefully researched the story on location I would hope so! :) , interviewing several historians along with the fourth generation descendant of a pivotal Japanese character in the novel. (I speak Japanese.) I would be pleased to send you a copy of the novel, and have enclosed an SASE, should you decide to request one.
You've got a super interesting concept here, but I think there are certain things you're belaboring that as a reader I would be insulted by. Your readers aren't idiots, they'll be able to get your themes if you've written them into the story. Your story reminds me of something Clive Cussler-esque, I'd hit the bookstore (or amazon) and read some of his cover flaps for inspiration. Good Luck!
I'd love feedback on my inquiry if you are able, thanks! http://agentqueryconnect.com/index.php?/topic/38524-agents-of-balance-ya-fantasy-1st-revision/#entry353277