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Agents of Balance (YA Fantasy)- More Revisions/ Multiple Perspective Questions

Young Adult Multi-Cultural Fantasy Adventure Fiction

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#21 PureZhar3

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Posted 17 March 2018 - 10:35 AM

Yellowstone is about to become a volcanic Chernobyl​, and only a group of nearly untrained teens can stop it. 

 

Seventeen-year-old Sophie Westergaard has no idea she has blood-ties to the Agency, a covert organization devoted to maintaining the balance between the natural world and the humans destroying it. She just wants to get herself settled at her new school without jumping through the “new girl” routine again. But then she notices Kai Redwolf. He's been lurking around her cross country practices​, and Sophie feels inexplicably drawn to him. Sophie isn’t sure what to expect when she approaches Kai, but the ​legend story he tells of a legend predicting the collapse of the Yellowstone Caldera and an organization determined to stop it certainly surprises her. ​You're using a sentences with very similar structure... be careful because the lack of variety can get dull (there are tons of "and"s and "but"s

 

With the lure of a personal history she couldn’t imagine ​(?) not sure what this means. Is this Kai's personal history? I would just rephrase this..., Sophie agrees to join Kai and see what’s upsetting the balance in Yellowstone ​this is minor, but you don't make it clear that Yellowstone is imbalanced... only that it's predicted to collapse. I would just switch the initial sentence to "he tells of the impending collapse...". But their mission becomes much more than observation when they discover an illegal mine that’s extracting uranium from the geyser vents. If they can’t stop the mining in time, it could trigger a super volcano that will wipe out North America.

 

The Agency team races against the destabilizing mineral extraction as Sophie grapples with her newfound identity and responsibilities ​Alright, hold on. Is Kai part of this agency? Also, why does it depend on the two teens if the Agency is also fighting against the miners? And what exactly is her "newfound identity"... saving the world? You need to clarify what she's learned - that she's part of the agency? Then she discovers her family’s dark history with the Agency, and that her ability to manipulate water is just the beginning of her power. ​whoooaaaa.... I hope you realize that this is the first time you mention her ability to manipulate water, and it sounds as if you expect us to know about this. Is this the newfound identity she's grappling with? If Sophie can’t get her other abilities under control she might be a bigger danger to everyone around her than the impending implosion of Yellowstone. ​What can she do... wipe out the whole world? This is very vague stakes, given the massive nature of the previous threat. Tell us what's so dangerous about her, because otherwise I'm having a hard time believing that a teenager is a bigger threat than a volcano that can wipe out a continent...

 

AGENTS OF BALANCE is a multiple perspective young adult fantasy novel complete at 110,000 words. It will appeal to fans of Alexandra Bracken’s THE DARKEST MINDS and Victoria Aveyard’s RED QUEEN. It is a stand alone novel with series potential.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration,

​This isn't bad. But it isn't ready to send out, either.

​Your general story and query is very good. Excellent job. For the first few paragraphs, I mostly just had phrase edits that would make it clearer, and minor plot questions. But then we got to the third paragraph, and my subtle confusion exploded. You reference multiple things as if we are supposed to know about them already, such as Sophie's water powers. You need to fix this... tighten it up, make sure you give us the necessary information, and don't be afraid to use straightforward language.

​Best of luck!


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#22 JRUET

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Posted 17 March 2018 - 03:28 PM

@PureZare3,

I think as I was cobbling together pieces of previous queries I left out the powers, major error, thanks for pointing it out! Back to the editing board :)

-J


Newest Edit:

 

Question: I've noticed lots of inquiries use variations on the idea "multiple perspective" novel. I'm wondering if it's necessary for explaining my story. Please read my rationals and weigh in:

 

For "MP" declaration:

1. My novel jumps back and forth between characters and scenes as the teams of protagonists and antagonists are collected.

2. The first few pages do not include the main character from the query, but rather a secondary one (there's a good reason for this) so perhaps it will ease confusion for someone reading the first ten pages to know that while the primary protagonist from the query isn't in these pages, she's coming

 

Against "MP" declaration:

1. All of the story is written in third person, just following different characters in different chapters until they are all assembled on the same playing field. (so there's no head hoping, though the reader is more in tune with the emotions of the perspective character at any given time)

2. Honestly, it seems superfluous

 

Also wondering: do you think it will hurt me to not have the MC in the first pages of the novel. There is a reason it's set up this way, and there isn't really a way to reorder that wouldn't throw the rhythm of the story. If you've read Clive Cussler's adventure novels, they start with a catalytic action prior to the true action of the novel- this is something similar

 

 

Query:

 

Yellowstone is about to become a volcanic Chernobyl, and only a group of nearly untrained teens can stop it. 

 

Seventeen-year-old Sophie Westergaard has no idea she has blood-ties to a covert organization devoted to maintaining the balance between the natural world and the humans destroying it. Sophie was just hoping to get settled at her new school without jumping through the hoops of the “new girl” routine, but then she notices Kai Redwolf.  He’s been lurking around her cross country practices, and she feels inexplicably drawn to him. Sophie isn’t sure what to expect when she confronts Kai, but the story he tells of a legend predicting the collapse of the Yellowstone Caldera and an organization determined to stop it certainly surprises her.

 

Kai is another member of the Agency, sent to convince her to help him. Sophie agrees to join Kai as they search for what’s causing the imbalance in Yellowstone. But their mission becomes much more than observation when they find an illegal mine extracting uranium from the geyser vents. If they can’t stop the mining, it could trigger a super volcano that will wipe out North America.

 

As the Agency team races against the destabilizing mineral extraction Sophie learns she’s inherited the ability to control one of the elements, a trait members of the Agency share. Then she discovers her family’s dark history with the Agency, and her ability to manipulate water is the most benign of her powers.  If Sophie can’t get her abilities under control she’ll threaten everyone in the Agency, and without them Yellowstone will implode. 

 

AGENTS OF BALANCE is a  young adult fantasy novel complete at 110,000 words. It will appeal to fans of Alexandra Bracken’s THE DARKEST MINDS and Victoria Aveyard’s RED QUEEN. It is a stand alone novel with series potential.



#23 yawriter

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Posted 19 March 2018 - 09:31 AM

 

 

Question: I've noticed lots of inquiries use variations on the idea "multiple perspective" novel. I've included it here, but I'm wondering if it's necessary. Please read my rationals and weigh in

 

For "MP" declaration:

1. My novel jumps back and forth between characters and scenes as the teams of protagonists and antagonists are collected.

2. The first few pages do not include the main character from the query, but rather a secondary one (there's a good reason for this) so perhaps it will ease confusion for someone reading the first ten pages to know that while the primary protagonist from the query isn't in these pages, she's coming

 

Against "MP" declaration:

1. All of the story is written in third person, just following different characters in different chapters until they are all assembled on the same playing field. (so there's no head hoping, though the reader is more in tune with the emotions of the perspective character at any given time)

2. Honestly, it seems superfluous

 

Also wondering: do you think it will hurt me to not have the MC in the first pages of the novel. There is a reason it's set up this way, and there isn't really a way to reorder that wouldn't throw the rhythm of the story. If you've read Clive Cussler's adventure novels, they start with a catalytic action prior to the true action of the novel- this is something similar If there is a reason, you're fine. I have a prologue, which everyone says isn't a good idea, but its necessary to the plot.

 

 

Query:

 

Yellowstone is about to become a volcanic Chernobyl, and only a group of nearly untrained teens can stop it. 

 

Seventeen-year-old Sophie Westergaard has no idea she has blood-ties to the Agency what agency? Is the agency named agency? , a covert organization devoted to maintaining the balance between the natural world and the humans destroying it. This is a really long sentence.... is there a way you can cut it down? Sophie just wants to get settled at her new school without jumping through the hoops of the “new girl” routine again. But then she notices Kai Redwolf.  He’s been lurking around her cross country practices, and she feels inexplicably drawn to him. Sophie isn’t sure what to expect when she approaches Kai for the first time, but the story he tells of a legend predicting the collapse of the Yellowstone Caldera and an organization determined to stop it certainly surprises her. ​So the way I'm picturing this is she just walks up to him because she's drawn to him and then BAM their first meeting he starts spewing a story? I know this isn't what really happens in the book, but that's how I've understood this sentence..

 

Kai is also a member of the Agency, sent to collect her to collect her what? perhaps another word would be better here... so they can see what’s In professional writing it's better not to put contractions... what is...causing the imbalance in Yellowstone. Sophie joins Kai to discover what’s what is upsetting the balance. But their mission becomes much more than observation when they find an illegal mine extracting uranium from the geyser vents. If they can’t cannot stop the mining, it could trigger a super volcano that will wipe out North America.

 

As the Agency team races against the destabilizing mineral extraction Sophie learns she’s is  inherited the ability to control one of the elements, a trait members of the Agency share. Then she discovers her family’s dark history with the Agency, and her ability to manipulate water is the most benign of her powers.  If Sophie can’t get her abilities under control she’ll threaten everyone in the Agency, and without them Yellowstone will implode. 

 

 

AGENTS OF BALANCE is a multiple perspective young adult fantasy novel complete at 110,000 words. It will appeal to fans of Alexandra Bracken’s THE DARKEST MINDS and Victoria Aveyard’s RED QUEEN. It is a stand alone novel with series potential.

 

 

I hope this helps! I'll be happy to look at it again!



#24 IndusiumGriseum

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Posted 20 March 2018 - 09:13 AM

Latest Revision:
 

Yellowstone is about to become a volcanic Chernobyl and only a group of nearly untrained teens can stop it. (I would actually start with the teens in this sentence. It'd get me to care about them more.)

 

Seventeen-year-old Sophie Westergaard has no idea she has blood-ties to the Agency, a covert organization devoted to maintaining the balance between the natural world and the humans destroying it. She just wants to get herself settled at her new school without jumping through the “new girl” routine again. (These two things don't go together at all. Try blending them.) But then she notices Kai Redwolf. He's been lurking around her cross country practices and Sophie feels inexplicably drawn to him. Sophie isn’t sure what to expect when she approaches Kai, but the story he tells of a legend predicting the collapse of the Yellowstone Caldera and an organization determined to stop it certainly surprises her.

 

With the lure of a personal history she couldn’t imagine, Sophie agrees to join Kai and see what’s upsetting the balance in Yellowstone. But their mission becomes much more than observation when they discover an illegal mine that’s extracting uranium from the geyser vents. If they can’t stop the mining in time, it could trigger a super volcano that will wipe out North America.

 

The Agency team races against the destabilizing mineral extraction as Sophie grapples with her newfound identity and responsibilities. (I'd start with Sophie in this sentence to put the focus more on her.) Then she discovers her family’s dark history with the Agency, and that her ability to manipulate water is just the beginning of her power. If Sophie can’t get her other abilities under control she might be a bigger danger to everyone around her than the impending implosion of Yellowstone. 

 

AGENTS OF BALANCE is a multiple perspective young adult fantasy novel complete at 110,000 words. It will appeal to fans of Alexandra Bracken’s THE DARKEST MINDS and Victoria Aveyard’s RED QUEEN. It is a stand alone novel with series potential.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration,

 

Sounds exciting! I'd love to read it! :)


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#25 galian84

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Posted 20 March 2018 - 03:29 PM

Latest Revision:
 

Yellowstone is about to become a volcanic Chernobyl and only a group of nearly untrained teens can stop it. (Ooh, this hook is much better. I'd take out the "nearly", though, so it packs more of a punch)

 

Seventeen-year-old Sophie Westergaard has no idea she has blood-ties to the Agency, a covert organization devoted to maintaining the balance between the natural world and the humans destroying it (I'm unclear at what you mean with the last part of the sentence. Do you mean that the Agency serves to protect the natural world *from* the humans destroying it?). She just wants to get herself settled at her new school without jumping through the “new girl” routine again. But then she notices Kai Redwolf. He's been lurking around her cross country practices and Sophie feels inexplicably drawn to him. Sophie isn’t sure what to expect when she approaches Kai, but the story he tells of a legend predicting the collapse of the Yellowstone Caldera and an organization determined to stop it certainly surprises her. (Hmm, this is sounding like he tells her the story literally right after she approaches him. I'm sure this isn't how it happens in your MS, but it's coming off this way as its written)

 

With the lure of a personal history she couldn’t imagine (a bit vague. Can you give an example? Is Kai the one that tells her? How does he know her history?), Sophie agrees to join Kai and see what’s upsetting the balance in Yellowstone. But their mission becomes much more than observation when they discover an illegal mine that’s extracting uranium from the geyser vents. If they can’t stop the mining in time, it could trigger a super volcano that will wipe out North America. (I like this, but it feels like this should be the end of your query. Stakes are pretty high)

 

The Agency team races against the destabilizing mineral extraction as Sophie grapples with her newfound identity and responsibilities. Then she discovers her family’s dark history with the Agency, and that her ability to manipulate water is just the beginning of her power. If Sophie can’t get her other abilities under control she might be a bigger danger to everyone around her than the impending implosion of Yellowstone. (This paragraph seems out of place, where it is now. Feels like it should be moved to before your previous paragraph)

 

AGENTS OF BALANCE is a multiple perspective young adult fantasy novel complete at 110,000 words (I don't read much YA, but isn't 110k considered a bit long for debut YA novels?). It will appeal to fans of Alexandra Bracken’s THE DARKEST MINDS and Victoria Aveyard’s RED QUEEN. It is a stand alone novel with series potential.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Hi there! I didn't read through the other crits thoroughly, so if any of this sounds redundant, that wasn't my intention. Overall, much better than your first effort. A bit vague in some parts, but nothing that a few specifics won't be able to fix (and believe me, I'm learning this myself in my query!).

 

I think you're heading in the right direction :)



#26 PureZhar3

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Posted 20 March 2018 - 07:52 PM

@PureZare3,

I think as I was cobbling together pieces of previous queries I left out the powers, major error, thanks for pointing it out! Back to the editing board :)

-J


Newest Edit:

 

Question: I've noticed lots of inquiries use variations on the idea "multiple perspective" novel. I'm wondering if it's necessary for explaining my story. Please read my rationals and weigh in:

 

For "MP" declaration:

1. My novel jumps back and forth between characters and scenes as the teams of protagonists and antagonists are collected.

2. The first few pages do not include the main character from the query, but rather a secondary one (there's a good reason for this) so perhaps it will ease confusion for someone reading the first ten pages to know that while the primary protagonist from the query isn't in these pages, she's coming

 

Against "MP" declaration:

1. All of the story is written in third person, just following different characters in different chapters until they are all assembled on the same playing field. (so there's no head hoping, though the reader is more in tune with the emotions of the perspective character at any given time)

2. Honestly, it seems superfluous

 

​My book is the same way, what with the third person following different characters. I would say that it depends on exactly how multi-POV is. In my book, even though it's in third person, you're jumping around to a ton of different characters (I think around 10... usually it focuses between my three main characters, but other people are occasionally utilized). It's a pretty big part of the stylization of the book, so I figured it best to warn the agent ahead of time. That said, if you don't feel that it's a significant part of the book (a beta reader wouldn't mention it after reading the book) it's probably okay to leave out. As for the secondary character starting out, from what I've heard, it shouldn't be a problem so long as you get to the main story quickly enough. I think most agents will trust that you didn't completely falsify a query letter simply to get them to read

 

Also wondering: do you think it will hurt me to not have the MC in the first pages of the novel. There is a reason it's set up this way, and there isn't really a way to reorder that wouldn't throw the rhythm of the story. If you've read Clive Cussler's adventure novels, they start with a catalytic action prior to the true action of the novel- this is something similar. ​I wouldn't think so - I've read plenty of books that skillfully use this, and it can be fun to have someone whose head we're in for a bit before we get settled into the action. Part of that will depend on preference, though. I think if you have a good reason, you should be fine :)

 

 

Query:

 

Yellowstone is about to become a volcanic Chernobyl, and only a group of nearly untrained teens can stop it. 

 

Seventeen-year-old Sophie Westergaard has no idea she has blood-ties to a covert organization ​[devoted to maintaining the balance between the natural world and the humans destroying it​] The sentence gets clunky right around here. Try to simplify this down... is there any way to phrase the whole balance of nature/humans more concisely?. Sophie was just hoping to get settled at her new school without jumping through the hoops of the “new girl” routine, but then she notices Kai Redwolf.  He’s been lurking around her cross country practices, and she feels inexplicably drawn to him. Sophie isn’t sure what to expect when she confronts Kai, but the story he tells of a legend predicting the collapse of the Yellowstone Caldera and an organization determined to stop it certainly surprises her. ​I think you still have some unnecessary wordiness, which works for a story, but not for a query.

 

Kai is another member of the Agency, ​if I didn't have previous knowledge of what you mean, I would not connect this back with the covert organization, I don't think sent to convince her to help him. Sophie agrees to join Kai as they search for what’s causing the imbalance in Yellowstone. But their mission becomes much more than observation when they find an illegal mine extracting uranium from the geyser vents. If they can’t stop the mining, it could trigger a super volcano that will wipe out North America.

 

As the Agency team races against the destabilizing mineral extraction​comma Sophie learns she’s inherited the ability to control one of the elements, a trait members of the Agency share. Then she discovers her family’s dark history with the Agency, and ​that? her ability to manipulate water is the most benign of her powers.  If Sophie can’t get her abilities under control she’ll threaten everyone in the Agency, and without them Yellowstone will implode. 

 

AGENTS OF BALANCE is a  young adult fantasy novel complete at 110,000 words. It will appeal to fans of Alexandra Bracken’s THE DARKEST MINDS and Victoria Aveyard’s RED QUEEN. It is a stand alone novel with series potential.

​Hmmmmm. So it isn't that this is bad, it just didn't grab me. In my opinion, it is reading rather clunky. There must be a way to phrase some of these things simpler.... for example, I think too many words are focused on conveying only a small about of info on the agency (you use most of your words to inform us that the Agency is trying to keep balance between nature/humans, that Sophie is related to them and helping them). Also, I would leave out the "dark history" (it's cliché) unless you want to throw in more detail


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#27 AnnDayleview

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Posted 20 March 2018 - 11:27 PM

Question: I've noticed lots of inquiries use variations on the idea "multiple perspective" novel. I'm wondering if it's necessary for explaining my story. Please read my rationals and weigh in:

 

For "MP" declaration:

1. My novel jumps back and forth between characters and scenes as the teams of protagonists and antagonists are collected.

2. The first few pages do not include the main character from the query, but rather a secondary one (there's a good reason for this) so perhaps it will ease confusion for someone reading the first ten pages to know that while the primary protagonist from the query isn't in these pages, she's coming

-If there is any way to get Sophie in that first chapter I would really push to do that. Otherwise call out that your story is multiple perspective in the query as part of your meta data.

 

Against "MP" declaration:

1. All of the story is written in third person, just following different characters in different chapters until they are all assembled on the same playing field. (so there's no head hoping, though the reader is more in tune with the emotions of the perspective character at any given time)

2. Honestly, it seems superfluous

 

Also wondering: do you think it will hurt me to not have the MC in the first pages of the novel. There is a reason it's set up this way, and there isn't really a way to reorder that wouldn't throw the rhythm of the story. If you've read Clive Cussler's adventure novels, they start with a catalytic action prior to the true action of the novel- this is something similar

 

-As long as the action is engaging I thing you should be able to hook an agent without. Six of Crows also doesn't have the MC in the first few pages.

 

 

Query:

 

Yellowstone is about to become a volcanic Chernobyl, and only a group of nearly untrained teens can stop it. [Great hook!]

 

Seventeen-year-old Sophie Westergaard has no idea she has blood-ties to a covert organization devoted to maintaining the balance between the natural world and the humans destroying it [the humans destroying it bit sounds a little clunky. Also can you ground us a little more in the world regarding the blood-ties, are they magical?]. Sophie was just hoping to get settled at her new school without jumping through the hoops of the “new girl” routine, but then she notices Kai Redwolf [consider giving him a label like "school loner"].  He’s been lurking around her cross country practices, and she feels inexplicably drawn to him. Sophie isn’t sure what to expect when she confronts Kai, but the story he tells of a legend predicting the collapse of the Yellowstone Caldera and an organization determined to stop it certainly surprises her.

 

Kai is another member of the Agency, sent to convince her to help him [I think we still need a little more clarification on Sophie's ties to this organization]. Sophie agrees to join Kai as they search for what’s causing the imbalance in Yellowstone [Show a little of the conflict here, Kai goes from super shady to being her mission buddy. We need to understand why Sophie trusts him enough to agree to join him]. But their mission becomes much more than observation when they find an illegal mine extracting uranium from the geyser vents. If they can’t stop the mining, it could trigger a super volcano that will wipe out North America.

 

As the Agency team races against the destabilizing mineral extraction Sophie learns she’s inherited the ability to control one of the elements [mention her water abilities here], a trait members of the Agency share. Then she discovers her family’s dark history with the Agency, and her ability to manipulate water is the most benign of her powers.  If Sophie can’t get her abilities under control she’ll threaten everyone in the Agency, and without them Yellowstone will implode. [Good stakes, but you'll want to set up her elemental abilities earlier on. I think this is more important than your second paragaph on Sophie joining Kai. Consider condensing these into one.]

 

AGENTS OF BALANCE is a young adult fantasy novel complete at 110,000 words. It will appeal to fans of Alexandra Bracken’s THE DARKEST MINDS and Victoria Aveyard’s RED QUEEN. It is a stand alone novel with series potential.



#28 SnowFox23

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Posted 21 March 2018 - 08:20 PM

Yellowstone is about to become a volcanic Chernobyl and only a group of nearly untrained teens can stop it. 

 

Seventeen-year-old Sophie Westergaard has no idea she has blood-ties to the Agency, a covert organization devoted to maintaining the balance between the natural world and the humans destroying it. I don't fully understand this. What does maintaining the balance mean exactly?

 

She just wants to get herself settled at her new school without jumping through the “new girl” routine again. That is a good sentence. But then she notices Kai Redwolf. He's been lurking around her cross country practices and Sophie feels inexplicably drawn to him.

 

 

Sophie isn’t sure what to expect when she approaches Kai, but the story he tells of a legend predicting the collapse of the Yellowstone Caldera and an organization determined to stop it certainly surprises her.

 

With the lure of a personal history she couldn’t imagine, Sophie agrees to join Kai and see what’s upsetting the balance in Yellowstone. I still absolutely do not understand what you mean by balance. What balance?!

But their mission becomes much more than observation when they discover an illegal mine that’s extracting uranium from the geyser vents. If they can’t stop the mining in time, it could trigger a super volcano that will wipe out North America. Why not just tell the police about the illegal activities to prevent the Volcano?

 

The Agency team races against the destabilizing mineral extraction as Sophie grapples with her newfound identity and responsibilities. Then she discovers her family’s dark history with the Agency, and that her ability to manipulate water is just the beginning of her power. This bit is the juicy bit of the story.

Okay. So, after reading this several times, I have a few problems.

Why does the Agency even need Sophie?  Why don't they just tell the police about the illegal mining if it could trigger a massive ass volcano? I'm confused by this.

 

 

 

If Sophie can’t get her other abilities under control she might be a bigger danger to everyone around her than the impending implosion of Yellowstone. 

 

 

 

 

AGENTS OF BALANCE is a multiple perspective young adult fantasy novel complete at 110,000 words. It will appeal to fans of Alexandra Bracken’s THE DARKEST MINDS and Victoria Aveyard’s RED QUEEN. It is a stand alone novel with series potential.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration,







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