Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo
- - - - -

Compatibility YA sci-fi

Gay Lesbian Fiction Young Adult Science Fiction

  • Please log in to reply
21 replies to this topic

#21 Bkrasnik

Bkrasnik

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 91 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS Midwest
  • Publishing Experience:My short stories have been published in Red Shoes Review, Calliope, and the Zodiac Review. I have also published writing advice articles in Black Fox literary magazine and EveryWriterResources.com.

Posted 16 April 2018 - 06:18 PM

Can I get some feedback on my query letter? Thanks!

 

 

 

Dear *Agent Name*:

Earth’s children are under the control of compatibility monitors—handheld devices that make choices for them, from nutrition to friendship. After fourteen-year-old Priah destroys her monitor in an emotional outburst she obtains a replacement. Illegally. If anyone finds out that she broke her monitor, she will bring shame to her family.

With an imposter monitor clutched between her fingers, Priah enters Advanced school and quickly falls to the bottom of the social hierarchy. Her new monitor only matches her with one friend. Priah is labeled “incompatible” and must eat in a separate lunch room from the other students and consume low-quality food. She also cannot fight in vireality matches—her favorite school sport. Priah attends practices anyway, desperate to find a way to advance her position. One of the coaches of the vireality team captures Priah’s attention. Priah calls her She-108. She-108 notices Priah, and discovers that she has academic talent—a rare thing for an incompatible to have. When She-108 also learns that Priah was accepted into the Human Reservation—a cult-like organization where extremely gifted children train to be guards or coders—she decides to help Priah.

Priah fears that if She-108 looks at her too closely, she will discover her secrets. But allowing She-108 to see her, appears to be the only way for Priah to accomplish her ambitions. If Priah can’t find a way to control her emotions, more than just her monitor will break.

 

New Version:

 

Dear:

Earth’s children are under the control of compatibility monitors—handheld devices that make choices for them, from nutrition to friendship. After fourteen-year-old Priah destroys her monitor in an emotional outburst she obtains a replacement. Illegally. If anyone finds out that she broke her monitor, she will bring shame to her family.

With an imposter monitor clutched between her fingers, Priah enters Advanced school and quickly falls to the bottom of the social hierarchy. Her new monitor only matches her with one friend. Priah is labeled “incompatible” and must eat in a separate lunchroom from the other students and consume low-quality food.

Priah is coerced into joining a power hungry cult, where her choices are her own, but making them is a difficulty. Rumors of a virus designed to harm cyborgs moves through the cult. Priah must figure out who she can trust without the help of her monitor if she is going to save herself, and the other cyborgs, from those who despise them.

 

 

 

All feedback is appreciated!! 

Earth’s children are under the control of compatibility monitors—handheld devices that make choices for them, from nutrition to friendship. After fourteen-year-old Priah destroys her monitor in an emotional outburst ( ,) she obtains a replacement. Illegally. If anyone finds out that she broke her monitor, she will bring shame to her family. (Needs to be rewritten better. Sounds like a very generic sentence.)

With an imposter monitor clutched between her fingers, Priah enters Advanced school and quickly falls to the bottom of the social hierarchy. Her new monitor only matches her with one friend. (You have a very clear storyline to follow which is very good.) Priah is labeled “incompatible” and must eat in a separate lunchroom from the other students and consume low-quality food. (The stakes need to be higher. This doesn’t feel like a big deal to me.)

Priah is coerced into joining a power hungry cult, where her choices are her own, but making them is a difficulty (delete “a” and just put “difficult”). Rumors of a virus designed to harm cyborgs moves through the cult. Priah must figure out who she can trust without the help of her monitor (,) if she is going to save herself, and the other cyborgs, from those who despise them. (Rephrase this last sentence)

 

You have cohesive flow and you provide enough context so I can follow your logic throughout the entire query. You have an interesting plot, but it needs some definition. The stakes need to be higher. You also have some grammatical errors and sentence structure issues that need to be fixed.

Good luck!


Have a moment to offer up some very much appreciated feedback? :)

My Young Adult Dystopian Query: http://agentquerycon...ate-on-post-15/


#22 taylorhale

taylorhale

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 98 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging
  • LocationCanada

Posted 30 July 2018 - 07:57 PM

 

 

 

Dear:

Earth’s children are under the control of compatibility monitors—handheld devices that make choices for them, from nutrition to friendship. After fourteen-year-old Priah destroys her monitor in an emotional outburst she obtains a replacement. Illegally. If anyone finds out that she broke her monitor, she will bring shame to her family. (In my opinion, it would be stronger to start the query with the character instead of introducing Priah in the second paragraph. Is there any way to rearrange this information?)

With an imposter (Fake? Imposter works, but it isn't the first word I'd use) monitor clutched between her fingers, Priah enters Advanced school (what is this? Advanced school of what?) and quickly falls to the bottom of the social hierarchy. Her new monitor only matches her with one friend. (Who's that friend? If you aren't going to mention their name, maybe cut this out.) Priah is labeled “incompatible” and must eat in a separate lunchroom from the other students and consume low-quality food. (I'm not really understanding the whole monitor thing... I think it needs to be explained better.)

Priah is coerced (by who?) into joining a power hungry cult, where her choices are her own, but making them is a difficulty. Rumors of a virus designed to harm cyborgs moves through the cult. Priah must figure out who she can trust without the help of her monitor if she is going to save herself, and the other cyborgs, from those who despise them.

 

Hmm, I see your plot but things are reading a little messy and disjointed. I'm also a little unclear on the world. So maybe you can improve upon the actual world building throughout the query so it makes more sense. And why is the fact that she's a cyborg only mentioned in the last paragraph? This seems like a pretty huge aspect of her character. Now I'm also confused about where  exactly humans are in this world.

 

All feedback is appreciated!! 

Hey, thanks for the feedback on my query! Hope this helps.







Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: Gay Lesbian, Fiction, Young Adult, Science Fiction

0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users