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Iris Mjolnir Spawn of War - YA Fantasy - Revision #12


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#41 Koechophe

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Posted 09 October 2018 - 08:59 AM

Much better. Just a few minor fine-tuning things I'll point out, and I honestly think you've got it. The improvement between this one and the last one is night and day, really good job!

 

 

Dragons, Hydras, and Nightmares were only legends until one of them landed on seventeen-year-old Iris Mjolnir’s house. As the world became overrun by mythological creatures mythical creatures overran the world (Just switches from passive to active voice), humanity is was brought to the brink of extinction. With only her Maltese dog by her side, Iris faces the world alone, searching for her missing parents.

Iris can take care of herself. She crafts weapons and fights monsters ranging from bug-eyed Screechers to giant arachnids. But when a Griffin gets the drop on her, she’s helpless until a metallic warrior slaughters the beast by riding a lightning bolt onto it. Iris finds herself at the mercy of the Horseman of War who acts a lot more like a disgruntled father than the master of all things evil. Turns out it’s for good reason; Iris has his blood running through her veins.

But War isn’t convinced. He gives her a proposition; do his bidding to prove her heritage and he might rescue her parents. Luckily, Iris won’t be alone. She’s got the help of the other three Spawns of the Apocalypse; a boy with blackened wings who fell out of the sky, a girl at odds with her own mind, and a long lost friend turned grim reaper.

There’s a war brewing in the near future (between _____ and _____, war is just a tad vague) and the Horsemen need soldiers. If Iris and her new friends succeed in proving their heritage, they will be perfect candidates for their War's army. But, if they fail, Iris’ family will be left for dead, and there will be no one to defend the world against  the coming onslaught that not even the Horsemen of the Apocalypse can face alone.

 

IRIS MJOLNIR SPAWN OF WAR is a 96,000 word, young adult, apocalyptic fantasy novel. It is a standalone novel with series potential.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Sincerely,

J.D. Smith

 

Like I said, just minor fine tuning. The word count might give you a bit of trouble, it's on the high side for YA fiction, but not unreasonably so. Good luck and happy querying!



#42 JDSmith

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Posted 10 January 2019 - 06:14 PM

Revison #9

Hey all. I was taking a publishing course and the instructor basically told me that I should cut down my query and make it easier to understand. I hope I've accomplished that with this edition. She also said that comp titles as well as stating why the story's important is a must. Do you concur?

I'm gonna get back into the swing of things and help others as much as possible. Thanks!

 

 

 

Dear Agent,

 

Seventeen-year-old Iris Mjolnir’s life couldn’t get any worse. Her brother passed away a year ago, the world just ended, and, to top it all off, she lost track of her parents amidst the calamity of monsters taking over Seattle. Now, with only her Maltese dog by her side, Iris faces the world alone, crafting weapons and fighting gruesome beasts to survive.

 

One night, she’s saved from a savage mauling by none other than the Horseman of War, who acts more like a disgruntled father than the master of all things evil. Turns out it’s for good reason; Iris might have his blood running through her veins.

 

But War isn’t convinced. He gives her a proposition; prove that she’s the Spawn of War and he might rescue her parents. Luckily, Iris won’t be alone. She has help from the other three Spawns of the Apocalypse; a boy with blackened wings who fell out of the sky, a sickly girl at odds with her own mind, and a long lost friend turned grim reaper.

 

A war is brewing and the Horsemen need soldiers. If Iris and her new friends succeed in proving their heritage, they will be perfect candidates for their army. If they fail, Iris’ family will be left for dead, and there will be no one to defend the world against the onslaught that not even the Horsemen of the Apocalypse can face alone.

 

 

IRIS MJOLNIR SPAWN OF WAR is a 100,000 word, young adult, fantasy novel. It is a standalone novel with series potential.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration

 

Sincerely,

J.D. Smith


I'd really appreciate help with my query: Iris Mjolnir Spawn of War

 

First 250 words here: Woooo

 

Write on!


#43 Koechophe

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Posted 11 January 2019 - 12:26 PM

I actually think it reads better with the bits you cut down, but I like your previous first paragraph better than the new one. I think you could pretty much throw it in there and then put the rest of the query on, and it reads better.

 

As for comps, hear the words of her divinity, the query shark: 

 

"Essentially comps are for people (and I mean agents and editors so perhaps I should have said scallywags) to assess who the audience is for your book. People who liked Harry Potter will like this book because it's adventures in an alternate world with magic kind of thing.


Every element of the comp book doesn't need to match. Tone and style are more helpful than anything.  I love to read Jack Reacher. Therefore, comps are books set contemporary times, with heroic main characters doing good cause it's the Way He Is, solving problems for people.  He's not trying to overthrow the government and he's not fighting some abstract madman trying to take over the world.  For that you need James Bond. 

I don't think you need comps for this book cause I think it's pretty clear what it is, but some agents and editors insist.


 
Comp for style and tone first."
 
I know there's no such thing as an absolute authority on queries, but I think she's probably right. For some, they're a must, for others they're not needed. I don't think yours would need comps, but who am I to say?
 
All the best!


#44 callalilly

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Posted 14 January 2019 - 05:20 PM

Hi JDSmith. Thanks for the critique. I'm here to return the favor :happy:

Hey all. I was taking a publishing course and the instructor basically told me that I should cut down my query and make it easier to understand. I hope I've accomplished that with this edition. She also said that comp titles as well as stating why the story's important is a must. Do you concur? (I agree with the idea of stating why the story is important in a query. I can't tell you how many times I've been told on here about my queries: "Why should we care about [fill in the blank]")

I'm gonna get back into the swing of things and help others as much as possible. Thanks!

 

 

 

Dear Agent,

 

Seventeen-year-old Iris Mjolnir’s life couldn’t get any worse. Her brother passed away a year ago, the world just ended, and, to top it all off, she lost track of her parents amidst the calamity of monsters taking over Seattle. Now, with only her Maltese dog by her side, Iris faces the world alone, crafting weapons and fighting gruesome beasts to survive. (Fascinating! and it paints a real clear picture of what's going on and where it's going on. Nicely done.)

 

One night, she’s saved from a savage mauling (carried out by one of the monsters?) by none other than the Horseman of War (I might suggest explain more about him here), who acts more like a disgruntled father than the master of all things evil. Turns out it’s for good reason; Iris might have his blood running through her veins. (Ah, a twist -nice)

 

But War isn’t entirely convinced (I threw "entirely" in here because I assume he must be somewhat convinced? If not he wouldn't have bothered to save her at all?). He offers her a proposition; prove that she’s the Spawn of War and he might rescue her parents (I'm a little confused. The line about her having his blood -I thought that meant he might be her father? Here though the mention of her parents hints otherwise? Am I reading that wrong? Is it that War might be her father, or just that she somehow has part of his blood?). Luckily, Iris won’t be alone. She has help from the other three Spawns of the Apocalypse; a boy with blackened wings who fell out of the sky, a sickly girl at odds with her own mind, and a long lost friend turned grim reaper. (I like this info for the story, but I think in your query, it demands more information to explain who these other beings are and there simply isn't enough room in queries. I suggest taking it out and leaving them for your book. BUT again, just a suggestion.)

 

A war is brewing (between humans and the monsters?) and the Horsemen need soldiers. If Iris and her new friends succeed in proving their heritage, they will be perfect candidates for their army (but do they want to be? If they struggle with the idea of being recruited, I think a sentence on their unhappiness at going to war could be a useful tactic in highlighting the conflict). If they fail, Iris’ family will be left for dead, and there will be no one to defend the world against the onslaught that not even the Horsemen of the Apocalypse can face alone (Ah! So the Horsemen are fighting to save the humans. Got it now.).

 

 

IRIS MJOLNIR SPAWN OF WAR is a 100,000 word, young adult, fantasy novel. It is a standalone novel with series potential.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration

 

Sincerely,

J.D. Smith

 

 

J.D. Smith, I think this sounds like such a awesome tale! A lot of adventure I'm sensing. Overall, great job -though I do suggest a few things; explain more on the Horseman of War -I don't understand his function in the story. Moreover, if Iris does have his blood, I wonder then if she has some special powers? Overall, I think you've outlined everything you need to. With a few ironing out points, your on your way! Good luck -hoping this helps, and if not please ignore all on my comments; do what's best for your query.



#45 Caligulas

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Posted 15 January 2019 - 01:32 PM

Hey all. I was taking a publishing course and the instructor basically told me that I should cut down my query and make it easier to understand. I hope I've accomplished that with this edition. She also said that comp titles as well as stating why the story's important is a must. Do you concur?

I'm gonna get back into the swing of things and help others as much as possible. Thanks!

 

 

 

Dear Agent,

 

Seventeen-year-old Iris Mjolnir’s life couldn’t get any worse. Her brother passed away a year ago, the world just ended, and, to top it all off, she lost track of her parents amidst the calamity of monsters taking over Seattle. Now, with only her Maltese dog by her side, Iris faces the world alone, crafting weapons and fighting gruesome beasts to survive. (This is fine. Kind of vague though. The world ended, how? Gruesome beast, in what way?)

 

One night, she’s saved from a savage mauling by none other than the Horseman of War, who acts more like a disgruntled father than the master of all things evil. Turns out it’s for good reason; Iris might have his blood running through her veins. (That comes out of no where kind of. I'm not sure what kind of story this is. Started off sounding typical apocalyptical, now it's fantasy?)

 

But War isn’t convinced. (Of what? How do we get from a hunch to him denying it?) He gives her a proposition; prove that she’s the Spawn of War and he might rescue her parents. (From what? You only said she lost track of them) Luckily, Iris won’t be alone. She has help from the other three Spawns of the Apocalypse; a boy with blackened wings who fell out of the sky, a sickly girl at odds with her own mind, and a long lost friend turned grim reaper. (Isn't this a lot of characters to mention?)

 

A war is brewing and the Horsemen need soldiers. If Iris and her new friends succeed in proving their heritage, they will be perfect candidates for their army. If they fail, Iris’ family will be left for dead, and there will be no one to defend the world against the onslaught that not even the Horsemen of the Apocalypse can face alone. (I'm confused. I don't get the threat to her family, why all these other people care to help, and why she has to prove lineage to help stop war? Also, who is the antagonist there?)

 

 

IRIS MJOLNIR SPAWN OF WAR is a 100,000 word, young adult, fantasy novel. It is a standalone novel with series potential.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration

 

Sincerely,

J.D. Smith

Hopes this helps. Thanks for your critique.



#46 Dru

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Posted 15 January 2019 - 02:02 PM

I'm quite new at this, so take this as comment, rather than as advice or critique.

 

I believe you have given the agent enough in your query to help make a decision.  If I were a teenager, I would want to read this story.  I haven't read enough fantasy to make a further judgement, but I've always been fascinated by the concept of surviving by one's wits when all else is gone.

 

Success to you!

 



#47 JDSmith

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Posted 15 January 2019 - 05:28 PM

Revison #10 (Double digits! woooo!)

 

I really appreciate everyone's help. I tried adding a little somethin' somethin' at the end of the query. I also tried to make it more about Iris and War in this version and cut out Iris' comrades. I feel like I'm really close. Thank you all in advance for your advice.

 

Dear Agent,

 

Seventeen-year-old Iris Mjolnir’s life couldn’t get any worse. Her brother passed away a year ago, the world just ended, and, to top it all off, she lost track of her parents amidst the calamity of monsters taking over Seattle. Now, with only her Maltese dog by her side, Iris faces the world alone, crafting weapons and fighting gruesome beasts to survive.

 

One night, she’s approached by of suit of armor calling himself the Horseman of War. He brings good news and bad news. Good news is her parents are alive, and he can bring them to her. The bad news is Iris and War might share the same blood.

 

But War isn’t entirely convinced. He offers her a proposition; prove that she’s the Spawn of War and he might return her parents.

 

A war is brewing between the Horsemen and a dark being seeking to finish off what’s left of the world. If Iris succeeds in proving her heritage, she will be a perfect candidate for their army. If she fails, Iris’ family will be left for dead, and there will be no one to defend the world against the onslaught that not even the Horsemen of the Apocalypse can face alone.

 

IRIS MJOLNIR SPAWN OF WAR is a 100,000-word, young adult, fantasy novel. It is a standalone novel with series potential. It is a story that balances fun teenage banter with the emotional weight of losing everything and desperately trying to find a way to live again. It is only through establishing connections with others that Iris can begin to nurture her wounds. It is only through compassion that War can start to regain his humanity. It is only through working together that we can become something greater.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration

 

Sincerely,

J.D. Smith


I'd really appreciate help with my query: Iris Mjolnir Spawn of War

 

First 250 words here: Woooo

 

Write on!


#48 Gabe S.

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Posted 15 January 2019 - 08:02 PM

I really appreciate everyone's help. I tried adding a little somethin' somethin' at the end of the query. I also tried to make it more about Iris and War in this version and cut out Iris' comrades. I feel like I'm really close. Thank you all in advance for your advice.

 

Dear Agent,

 

Seventeen-year-old Iris Mjolnir’s life couldn’t get any worse. Her brother passed away a year ago, then the world just ended, and, to top it all off, she lost track ("lost track" sounds like she lost them at the mall or something. I want a more impact-full word) of her parents amidst the calamity of monsters taking over Seattle (Those f*&^#$s better not have destroyed Pike's Place!!!). Now, with only her Maltese dog by her side, Iris faces the world alone, crafting weapons and fighting gruesome beasts to survive. (This sounds too specific for a query. ". . . Iris faces the world alone, fighting for survival," or something like that. I know agents will say to put as much info about the book in the query, but not specific stuff that's better for world-building in the MS. As the famous quote goes, "Just the facts, ma'am.")

 

One night, she’s approached by of suit of armor calling himself the Horseman of War. ("Oh, hey War--what's cookin'?" I think "approached" is too anticlimactic for one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse) He brings good news and bad news. Good news is her parents are alive, and he can bring them to her. The bad news is Iris and War might share the same blood. 

 

But War isn’t entirely convinced. He offers her a proposition; prove that she’s the Spawn of War and he might return her parents.

 

A war is brewing between the Horsemen and a dark being seeking to finish off what’s left of the world. If Iris succeeds in proving her heritage, she will be a perfect candidate for their army. If she fails, Iris’ family will be left for dead, and there will be no one to defend the world against the onslaught that not even the Horsemen of the Apocalypse can face alone. (So, I'm thinking Iris might be the 5th Horsewoman, which is an awesome concept, but I just don't get the gravity of the situation in the query.)

 

IRIS MJOLNIR SPAWN OF WAR is a 100,000-word, young adult, fantasy novel. It is a standalone novel with series potential. It is a story that balances fun teenage banter with the emotional weight of losing everything and desperately trying to find a way to live again. It is only through establishing connections with others that Iris can begin to nurture her wounds. It is only through compassion that War can start to regain his humanity. It is only through working together that we can become something greater. (Cool! But, I have a hard time reconciling one of the horse-evil-dudes wanting to become human and give up all that power. Not saying it can't be done, but in the query right now I'm not convinced. Prove to me the twist on War wanting to be human again, and that Iris is a bad-ass don't-screw-with-my-hometown-Seattle warrior! Feels like you're holding back.)

 

Thank you for your time and consideration


If you'd like, you can critique my query at: http://agentquerycon...a-sci-fi/page-2


#49 kassamarandra

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Posted 16 January 2019 - 11:28 AM

Revison #10 (Double digits! woooo!)

 

Dear Agent,

 

Seventeen-year-old Iris Mjolnir’s life couldn’t get any worse. Her brother recently passed away a year ago(takes out the urgency, but I wonder why this is included and placed first. I think you'd want to talk about the world ending and hook us that way), the world just ended, and, to top it all off, she lost track of her parents amidst the calamity of monsters taking over Seattle. Now, with only her Maltese dog by her side, Iris faces the world alone, crafting weapons and fighting gruesome beasts to survive.(This last sentence is good!)

 

One night, she’s approached by of suit of armor calling himself the Horseman of War. He brings good news and bad news. Good news is her parents are alive, and he can bring them to her. The bad news is Iris and War might share the same blood.

 

But War  isn’t entirely convinced. He offers her a proposition; prove that she’s the Spawn of War and he might return her parents.(how is she suppose to prove it?)

 

A war (I think you either need to call him the horseman throughout (in the paragraph above) or not use war in this context b/c it's confusing) is brewing between the Horsemen and a dark being seeking to finish off what’s left of the world. If Iris succeeds in proving her heritage, she will be a perfect candidate for their army. If she fails, Iris’ family will be left for dead, and there will be no one to defend the world against the onslaught that not even the Horsemen of the Apocalypse can face alone.

 

IRIS MJOLNIR SPAWN OF WAR is a 100,000-word, young adult, fantasy novel. It is a standalone novel with series potential. It is a story that balances fun teenage banter with the emotional weight of losing everything and desperately trying to find a way to live again. It is only through establishing connections with others that Iris can begin to nurture her wounds. It is only through compassion that War can start to regain his humanity. It is only through working together that we can become something greater. housekeeping is used for comps and a bio. 

 

Thank you for your time and consideration

 

Sincerely,

J.D. Smith

 

Sounds like an interesting concept for a story! I hope you find something useful in my comments. 

Cas



#50 Joseph Isaacs

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Posted 27 January 2019 - 01:09 PM

Revison #10 (Double digits! woooo!)

 

I really appreciate everyone's help. I tried adding a little somethin' somethin' at the end of the query. I also tried to make it more about Iris and War in this version and cut out Iris' comrades. I feel like I'm really close. Thank you all in advance for your advice.

Hi, would love some feedback on my blurbs for soul hosts

Dear Agent,

 

Seventeen-year-old Iris Mjolnir’s life couldn’t get any worse. Her brother passed away a year ago, the world just ended, and, to top it all off, she lost track of her parents amidst the calamity of monsters taking over Seattle. love it!  Now, with only her Maltese dog adorable  by her side, Iris faces the world alone, crafting weapons and fighting gruesome beasts to survive.very cool!

 

One night, she’s approached by of suit of armor calling himself the Horseman of War. He brings good news and bad news. Good news is her parents are alive, and he can bring them to her. The bad news is Iris and War might share the same blood.

 

But War isn’t entirely convinced. He offers her a proposition; prove that she’s the Spawn of War and he might return her parents.

 

A war is brewing between the Horsemen and a dark being seeking to finish off what’s left of the world. If Iris succeeds in proving her heritage, she will be a perfect candidate for their army. If she fails, Iris’ family will be left for dead, and there will be no one to defend the world against the onslaught that not even the Horsemen of the Apocalypse can face alone.

 

IRIS MJOLNIR SPAWN OF WAR is a 100,000-word, young adult, fantasy novel. It is a standalone novel with series potential. It is a story that balances fun teenage banter hyphenate with the emotional weight of losing everything and desperately trying to find a way to live again. It is only through establishing connections with others that Iris can begin to nurture her wounds. It is only through compassion that War can start to regain his humanity. It is only through working together that we can become something greater. Good job! I think you have it!

 

Thank you for your time and consideration

 

Sincerely,

J.D. Smith



#51 JDSmith

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Posted 25 July 2019 - 01:01 AM

Revision # 11

 

Hey everyone. After (checks calendar) 6 months of balancing University and Internships, I was finally able to use this summer break to overhaul my book. During the spring I was able to attend a conference and get some advice from published authors. One in particular has been helping me since and even let me see his query letter. Interesting enough, he was able to score the fantasy gig with a two page query letter! I ain't risking that, but I am willing to experiment with his most crucial bit of advice. And that was putting a phrase in the last paragraph essentially saying "this is a story about (insert theme)". So yeah, lemme know what you think of my version of that plz.

 

Of course along with the rewrite, I rewrote my query letter. Have at it! As always, I'll critique your queries too!

 

Dear (insert agent name here),

 

(Insert personalized “why I’m emailing you paragraph” here)

 

Seventeen-year-old Iris Mjolnir’s life couldn’t get any worse. Her car got totalled, the world just ended, and, to top it all off, she lost track of her parents amidst the calamity of monsters taking over Seattle. Desperately seeking to reconnect with her missing family, Iris soon finds herself at the mercy of none other than the Horseman of War.

 

She barters for her parents’ lives, and in return she must train to become War’s successor. Her first task is to find and rescue a boy with jet black wings. The two form an instant bond, and, after losing their only means of shelter, wind up accidentally joining a band of apocalyptic misfits. Together they unwittingly help Iris accomplish the rest of her tasks. Everyday Iris draws closer to this new family of her’s, but she fears the consequences of War’s power that grows within her with each completed task.

 

The Four Horsemen seek to stave off the second coming of the apocalypse, but they need soldiers. If Iris successfully proves herself as War’s successor, like it or not, she will be a perfect candidate for their army and her new friends will be drafted along with her. If she fails, her parents will be left for dead, and there will be no one to defend the world against the onslaught that not even the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse can face alone.

 

IRIS MJOLNIR SPAWN OF WAR is a 97,000-word work of Young Adult Fantasy, about facing one’s reality, accepting who they are, and the need for a supportive family unit. It is a fast-paced action adventure that balances comedy with the emotional weight of losing everything and trying desperately to find a way to live again. It is a standalone novel with series potential.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Sincerely,

J.D. Smith


I'd really appreciate help with my query: Iris Mjolnir Spawn of War

 

First 250 words here: Woooo

 

Write on!


#52 CS29

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Posted 25 July 2019 - 06:51 PM

Hi JDSmith. Thanks for your feedback on my query. I'll see what I can offer with yours.

 

Seventeen-year-old Iris Mjolnir’s life couldn’t get any worse. There's nothing wrong with this first line, but it's both vague and feels overused. Maybe that's just me though. Her car got totalled, the world just ended, and, to top it all off, she lost track of her parents her parents disappeared/vanished amidst the calamity of monsters taking over Seattle. Desperately seeking Trying to reconnect with her missing family, Iris soon finds herself at the mercy of none other than the Horseman of War. This last part is definitely interesting!

 

She barters for her parents’ lives, and in return she must train to become War’s successor. Her first task is to find and rescue a boy with jet black wings. The two form an instant bond, and, after losing their only means of shelter, wind up accidentally joining a band of apocalyptic misfits. Together they unwittingly help Iris accomplish the rest of her tasks. Does Iris trick them into helping her? Or do they accidentally help her without her knowing it? Maybe make this a little more specific. Everyday Iris draws closer to this new family of her’s, but she fears the consequences of War’s power that grows within her with each completed task. I get what you're saying with this line, it just feels a bit clunky. Can you streamline it a bit? Maybe something like, "With each completed task, Iris grows closer to her new family, even as War's power grows within her." Just a suggestion.

 

The Four Horsemen seek to stave off the second coming of the apocalypse, but they need soldiers. If Iris successfully proves herself as War’s successor, like it or not, she will be a the? perfect candidate for their army and her new friends will be drafted along with her. If she fails, her parents will be left for dead, and there will be no one to defend the world against the onslaught that not even the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse can face alone.

 

Your idea is certainly intriguing. I'm a sucker for anything involving the Four Horsemen and I like the idea that they're turning against the apocalypse and trying to stop it. Overall, your query is pretty good. Hopefully, some of my suggestions here help.



#53 Anna.k

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Posted 26 July 2019 - 08:28 AM

Revision # 11

 

Hey everyone. After (checks calendar) 6 months of balancing University and Internships, I was finally able to use this summer break to overhaul my book. During the spring I was able to attend a conference and get some advice from published authors. One in particular has been helping me since and even let me see his query letter. Interesting enough, he was able to score the fantasy gig with a two page query letter! I ain't risking that, but I am willing to experiment with his most crucial bit of advice. And that was putting a phrase in the last paragraph essentially saying "this is a story about (insert theme)". So yeah, lemme know what you think of my version of that plz.

 

Of course along with the rewrite, I rewrote my query letter. Have at it! As always, I'll critique your queries too!

 

Dear (insert agent name here),

 

(Insert personalized “why I’m emailing you paragraph” here)

 

Seventeen-year-old Iris Mjolnir’s life couldn’t get any worse. (This reads a tad bit cliche to me)Her car got totalled, the world just ended, and, to top it all off, she lost track of her parents amidst the calamity of monsters taking over Seattle.(Lol fun) Desperately seeking to reconnect with her missing family, Iris soon finds herself at the mercy of none other than the Horseman of War.(Maybe a little snippet here of what the Horseman of War is/does)

 

She barters for her parents’ lives, and in return she must train to become War’s successor. (Not sure why he would choose Iris to be his successor, what makes her so special? Explain?) Her first task is to find and rescue a boy with jet black wings. (why?) The two form an instant bond, (This reads a little like insta-love, a peevy trope for some people..) and, after losing their only means of shelter, wind up accidentally joining a band of apocalyptic misfits. Together they unwittingly help Iris accomplish the rest of her tasks. (Tasks makes it sounds kind of...mundane? Maybe reword) Everyday Iris draws closer to this new family of her’s, but she fears the consequences of War’s power that grows within her with each completed task.

 

The Four Horsemen seek to stave off the second coming of the apocalypse, but they need soldiers. (Ah, so answers my earlier question...sorta...still, soldier and successor is worlds apart) If Iris successfully proves herself as War’s successor, like it or not, she will be a perfect candidate for their army and her new friends will be drafted along with her. If she fails, her parents will be left for dead, and there will be no one to defend the world against the onslaught that not even the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse can face alone.(Ok now I admit a little confused...I thought the Horseman had sth to do with the monsters aforementioned, but I guess not, maybe make the distinction clearer)

 

IRIS MJOLNIR SPAWN OF WAR (Not crazy about her sur name lol, it is a mouth full...) is a 97,000-word work of Young Adult Fantasy, about facing one’s reality, accepting who they are, and the need for a supportive family unit. It is a fast-paced action adventure that balances comedy with the emotional weight of losing everything and trying desperately to find a way to live again. It is a standalone novel with series potential. (Fun! I would definitely read this. It still needs some cleaning up but you're getting there! Thanks so much for your help with my query!)

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Sincerely,

J.D. Smith



#54 lionspaws

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Posted 26 July 2019 - 02:48 PM

Thanks for your feedback on mine! 

 

Really, I like this. It's clear and intriguing. 

 

A few thoughts: 

 

Seventeen-year-old Iris Mjolnir’s life couldn’t get any worse. Her car got totalled, the world just ended, and, to top it all off, she lost track of her parents amidst the calamity of monsters taking over Seattle. Desperately seeking to reconnect with her missing family, Iris soon finds herself at the mercy of none other than the Horseman of War. The list of bad things that have happened feels a bit long and clunky; while I like what you're getting at, I'd suggest cutting out the unnecessary info about her car. What about something condensed, like, "Seventeen-year-old Iris Mjolnir's life couldn't get any worse. Monsters are attacking Seattle, she can't find her parents, and now, she's at the mercy of the Horseman of War, one of the four horsemen trying to prevent the apocalypse..." This identifies up front who the Horseman of War is. I'm also wondering, where are the monsters coming from? The devil? 

 

She barters for her parents’ lives, and in return she must train to become War’s successor. Her first task is to find and rescue a boy with jet black wings. The two form an instant bond, andafter losing their only means of shelter, wind up accidentally joining a band of apocalyptic misfits. I thought she had to be with ther Horseman? He doesn't mind that she's living with another group of people? Together they unwittingly help Iris accomplish the rest of her tasks. Everyday Iris draws closer to this new family of her’s, but she fears the consequences of War’s power that grows within her with each completed task. I'm unclear about the Horseman. Saving a boy seems like a good thing, but then she implies that his power is bad? How does he have control over what happens to her parents' lives -- does he have them as prisoners? Why does he want her as his successor? 

 

The Four Horsemen seek to stave off the second coming of the apocalypse, but they need soldiers. If Iris successfully proves herself as War’s successor, like it or not, she will be a perfect candidate for their army and her new friends will be drafted along with her. If she fails, her parents will be left for dead, and there will be no one to defend the world against the onslaught that not even the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse can face alone. Again, if the Horsemen are trying to stop the Apocalypse, that seems like a good thing... but then why wouldn't they care about saving her parents' lives? 

 

I hope this doesn't seem overwhelmingly critical, I *like* this query, the voice and the originality of delving into the Horsemen! Querying is so hard... keep up the good work! 


http://agentquerycon...sail-the-stars/

http://agentquerycon...ique-in-return/

 

"You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus." - Mark Twain 

"There are no rules of architecture for a castle in the clouds." - G.K. Chesterton 


#55 JDSmith

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Posted 26 July 2019 - 03:59 PM

Revision # 12

Okay here's another take on it. I appreciate everyone's help and will continue to offer fresh eyes for others! Thank you!

 

Dear (insert agent name here),

 

(Insert personalized “why I’m emailing you paragraph” here)

 

Seventeen-year-old Iris Mjolnir’s life couldn’t get any worse. Her car got totaled, the world just ended, and, to top it all off, she lost track of her parents amidst the calamity of monsters taking over Seattle. Now, with her Maltese dog by her side, Iris faces the world head-on, fighting gruesome beasts and trying desperately to remain an optimist.

 

All Iris wants is to see her family again, but she never could have expected the Horseman of War to heed the call. Good news is that her parents are alive, and he can bring them to her. The bad news is Iris and War somehow share the same blood.

 

He offers her a proposition; do his bidding to prove that she is worthy of being the “Spawn of War” and he might rescue her parents. A battle for what’s left of the Earth is brewing between the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse and a twisted entity known as The Dark One. If Iris succeeds in proving her heritage, she will be a perfect candidate for their army. If she fails, her family will be left for dead, and there will be no one to defend the world against the onslaught that not even the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse can face alone.

 

IRIS MJOLNIR SPAWN OF WAR is a 97,000-word work of Young Adult Fantasy, about facing one’s reality, and the human need for a supportive family unit. It is a fun, fast-paced action adventure that balances comedy with the emotional weight of losing everything and trying desperately to find a way to live again. It is a standalone novel with series potential.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Sincerely,

J.D. Smith


I'd really appreciate help with my query: Iris Mjolnir Spawn of War

 

First 250 words here: Woooo

 

Write on!


#56 Anna.k

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Posted 05 August 2019 - 05:18 PM

Hi JD
This is the best revision yet dare I say. A few thoughts tho: the bit with the dog and facing the world reads more like a summary than a plot point, and I’m not sure what the function of it is, or if it’s even needed.
I’m also wondering what exactly Spawn of War is/entails. If they want her to be a spawn of war, do they think she is the key to defeating the dark one? How so? How does that make her special and what exactly can she do as this spawn of war? Just clearing that up, Otherwise it looks pretty good to me.
Would appreciate a look at the latest revision of mine as well if you can, thanks!!

#57 janeald

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Posted 17 August 2019 - 05:16 PM

Revision # 12

Okay here's another take on it. I appreciate everyone's help and will continue to offer fresh eyes for others! Thank you!

 

Dear (insert agent name here),

 

(Insert personalized “why I’m emailing you paragraph” here) (Consider getting right into the story and putting this at the end)

 

Seventeen-year-old Iris Mjolnir’s life couldn’t get any worse. Her car isgot totaled, the world just ended (well this is an abrupt shift from a totaled car lol. If this is intentional I like it, but I'm not sure the car needs to be mentioned), and, to top it all off, she lost track of her parents amidst the calamity of monsters taking over Seattle. Now, with her Maltese dog by her side, Iris faces the world head-on, fighting gruesome beasts and trying desperately to remain an optimist.

 

All Iris wants is to see her family again, but she never could have expected the Horseman of War to heed the call. Good news is that her parents are alive, and he can bring them to her. The bad news is Iris and War somehow share the same blood.

 

He offers to rescue her parents if she doesher a proposition; do his bidding andto proves that she is worthy of being the “Spawn of War. and he might rescue her parents. (why would she do his bidding because he might help?) A battle for what’s left of the Earth is brewsing between the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse and a twisted entity known as The Dark One. If Iris succeeds in proving her heritage, she will be a perfect candidate for their army. If she fails, her family will be left for dead, and there will be no one to defend the world against the onslaught that not even the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse can face alone.

 

IRIS MJOLNIR, SPAWN OF WAR is a 97,000-word work of Young Adult Fantasy, about facing one’s reality, and the human need for a supportive family unit. It is a fun, fast-paced action adventure that balances comedy with the emotional weight of losing everything and trying desperately to find a way to live again. It is a standalone novel with series potential.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Sincerely,

J.D. Smith

I hope my suggestions are helpful!

 

I'd love your feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...girls/?p=361490 !






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