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#1 TCRyan

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Posted 22 February 2018 - 05:16 PM

So last Pitch Madness netted me zero favorites. I struggled with the character limit and got a little creative with the 3 pitch limit to write 3 different pitches like teasers.  No dice. Of course I was also pitching late in the day. Before I pitch again with the 280 character limit, I'm hoping to hone it. If you don't mind giving me a thumbs up or down on whether this reads as something you'd be interested in, I'd appreciate it.

 

After another death at Eaton Place, Victoria wonders if the family curse is real. When the young funeral photographer sees a ghost, Victoria starts a scientific quest and uncovers a plot against her father and the industrialists at The Great Exhibition. #PitMad #MG #YA #F #UF #HF



#2 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 23 February 2018 - 04:50 PM

I think your pitch is much more interesting than most of the "my favourite pitmad pitches" that I've been googling.  I say thumbs up! (but  I also don't know much about pitches :P)



#3 Nessa

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Posted 23 February 2018 - 07:12 PM



So last Pitch Madness netted me zero favorites. I struggled with the character limit and got a little creative with the 3 pitch limit to write 3 different pitches like teasers.  No dice. Of course I was also pitching late in the day. Before I pitch again with the 280 character limit, I'm hoping to hone it. If you don't mind giving me a thumbs up or down on whether this reads as something you'd be interested in, I'd appreciate it.

 

After another death at Eaton Place,​[I don't know if this is a reference to a famous location or...] Victoria wonders if the family curse is real. When the young funeral photographer sees a ghost​[Could open with "When a 16yo funeral photographer captures a ghost on film during a session (or something more specific, she..."], Victoria starts a scientific quest ​[This is a little vague, but I think it still works.]and uncovers a plot against her father and the industrialists at The Great Exhibition​[I don't know what this is either.]. #PitMad #MG #YA #F #UF #HF


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#4 giffordmac

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Posted 25 February 2018 - 01:29 PM

The thing I'm missing most is setting. Where are we and what's the time frame? (I know what "The Great Exhibition" is, but many -- especially in the MG age group -- won't.)

 

A pitch ordinarily presents 3 things: an introduction to the MC; her problem; and what she stands to lose. You've hit the first 2, but I'd like to see a little more info about the plot: murder? a haunting? general mayhem? That's going to make a big difference in the stakes.

 

Best of luck!


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~~~

 

 

 

 


#5 mkuriel

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Posted 12 March 2018 - 04:05 PM

After another death at Eaton Place, Victoria wonders if the family curse is real. [This is vague. Does she suspect that it's real, or fake?] When the young funeral photographer [is Vic the photographer? If not, change it from 'the young' to 'a young' or just cut it altogether.] sees a ghost, Victoria starts a scientific quest and uncovers a plot [to do what? good place to introduce stakes] against to murder her father and the industrialists at The Great Exhibition. #PitMad #MG #YA #F #UF #HF

Agree with giffordmac, what's at stake? Also (at the risk of showing my hashtag ignorance), why do you identify the story as Middle Grade, Young Adult, Fantasy (or fiction?), Urban Fantasy, and High Fantasy (or is that Historical Fiction?) Wouldn't it be better to actually identify the genre of your story and stick to that?

 

I'm only vaguely of aware of "Eaton Place" and "The Great Exhibition" so it won't convey the setting as well as you'd hope. Sure, google might clear that up in a second, but you want the hook to be self-contained. If a reader needs to google something to understand your hook, they'll probably just move onto the next one.

 

As indicated where I hacked up the hook, I'm not even sure who Victoria is supposed to be.

 

Another thing that confuses setting: The camera wasn't invented until 1885, and "The Great Exhibition" was in 1851 (according to the google). So Victoria couldn't have been a funeral photographer at the time.

 

Ok, so that's heavy on critique - and my own misunderstanding. Here's attempt an actionable hook in hopes that it helps convey a path to a solution:

 

When the ghost of a murdered guest appears to Queen Victoria, she orders an investigation that uncovers a sinister plot to derail the Great Exhibition of 1851. #YA #HistoricalFiction

 

Hope that's useful!






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