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Iris Mjolnir Spawn of War - YA Fantasy

fantasy apocalypse

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#1 JDSmith

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Posted 26 February 2018 - 02:56 PM

New Version post #7

 

Hello! I would really appreciate feedback on the first 250 words of my book. I'm happy to return the favor.

 

Darkness flees when an amber light pierces my vision. I look at my seat belt in a daze to find it still on and pressing firmly against my ribs. It probably saved me from the hell-raising crash. The airbag ironically did not deploy. Well, that was a waste of money. My brain pulses with the rhythm of my heartbeat and buzzes ferociously as if wasps were nesting in my ears. When my mind finally settles, I realize that the tree outside isn't upright. Wait, is it upside down? Or am I upside down? I finally recognize the blood rushing to my head and my brother's necklace dangling in front of my face. It’s slim, blue gemstone hangs in midair from its thin, leather chain.

"Always looking out for me, aren't you?" I suggest to the piece of jewelry. It doesn't respond, of course. I'm not that insane.

When I unbuckle my seatbelt, a massive weight is lifted from my lungs and a torrid gust rushes in. My brief remedy is interrupted when my face collides with the roof below me. Glass shards leave me with some lovely cuts that mark my teenage complexion.

"Scars look good on girls, right? Oh wait, that's for guys..." I joke to reassure myself.

My eyes widen when I do not find a door attached to the gaping hole beside me. I swallow dryly and position myself to roll out of the crude opening.


I'd really appreciate help with my query: Iris Mjolnir Spawn of War

 

First 250 words here: Woooo

 

Write on!


#2 lnloft

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Posted 26 February 2018 - 06:11 PM

 

Hello! I would really appreciate feedback on the first 250 words of my book. I'm happy to return the favor.

 

Darkness flees when an amber light pierces my vision. Not a fan of this as an opening line. Just... feels overdone, I guess (not overdone as in over-used by other authors, overdone as in "trying too hard") I look at my seat belt in a daze to find it still on and pressing firmly against my ribs. It probably saved me from the hell-raising crash. The airbag ironically did not deploy. This line is good. It's simple, but even so there's good voice with it. Well, that was a waste of money. This line again offers voice, but the problem is that it confuses me, because what was a waste of money? Buying an airbag? But wouldn't the airbag have come standard with airbags, so it wouldn't have cost more. My brain pulses with the rhythm of my heartbeat and buzzes ferociously as if wasps were nesting in my ears. When my mind finally settles, I realize that the tree outside isn't upright. Wait, is it upside down? Or am I upside down? These are nice. I finally recognize the blood rushing to my head and my brother's necklace dangling in front of my face. I got a little confused by this at first, because I assumed "brother's necklace" meant "necklace literally in brother's possession right now", which I couldn't see how that worked logistically. I realize after reading on that it's a necklace that I'm guessing used to belong to her brother but now is hers; I'm assuming something happened to the brother, died or disappeared. Whatever happened, no need to elaborate right now. I think it's a nice way to establish that SOMETHING is up without hitting us on the head. But going back to my original point, yeah, I got a little confused by who was wearing the necklace. It’s Its slim, blue gemstone hangs in midair from its thin, leather chain.

"Always looking out for me, aren't you?" I suggest to the piece of jewelry. It doesn't respond, of course. I'm not that insane. Again, nice voice.

When I unbuckle my seatbelt, a massive weight is lifted from my lungs and a torrid gust rushes in. My brief remedy is interrupted when my face collides with the roof below me. Glass shards leave me with some lovely cuts that mark my teenage complexion. If I could tell you to change only one thing here, it would be this. Lines like this feel extremely heavy-handed. You might as well write the line, "I am a teenager." Cut out "teenage"; there are subtler ways to indicate her age, and especially since this is YA, her being a teen is likely to be assumed, anyway.

"Scars look good on girls, right? Oh wait, that's for guys..." I joke to reassure myself. I feel this latter bit is not needed.

My eyes widen when I do not find a door attached to the gaping hole beside me. I swallow dryly and position myself to roll out of the crude opening.

 

Overall, I have a positive impression on this. You have a good voice and Iris's characterization comes across well. A few pieces that are confusing, a few pieces that are heavy-handed, but those are fixable. Good luck.


Nothing to reciprocate on right now; I'm off in the query trenches.


#3 Emily804

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Posted 26 February 2018 - 06:49 PM

 

Hello! I would really appreciate feedback on the first 250 words of my book. I'm happy to return the favor.

 

Darkness flees when an amber light pierces my vision. I look at my seat belt in a daze to find it still on and pressing firmly against my ribs. It probably saved me from the hell-raising crash. The airbag ironically did not deploy. Well, that was a waste of money. My brain pulses with the rhythm of my heartbeat and buzzes ferociously as if wasps were nesting in my ears. When my mind finally settles, I realize that the (try: "I notice a tree outside that isn't upright.") tree outside isn't upright. Wait, is it upside down? Or am I upside down? I finally recognize the blood rushing to my head and my brother's necklace dangling in front of my face. It’s slim, blue gemstone hangs in midair from its thin, leather chain.

"Always looking out for me, aren't you?" I suggest (try "say" or "ask") to the piece of jewelry. It doesn't respond, of course. I'm not that insane.

 

When I unbuckle my seatbelt, a massive weight is lifted from my lungs and a torrid gust rushes in. My brief remedy is interrupted when my face collides with the roof below me. Glass shards leave me with some lovely cuts that mark my teenage complexion. (What do you mean by "teenage complexion"? Acne? Too much makeup?)

 

"Scars look good on girls, right? Oh wait, that's for guys..." I joke to reassure myself. (Personally, I like this as is.)

 

My eyes widen when I do not find a door attached to the gaping hole beside me. I swallow dryly and position myself to roll out of the crude opening.

 

 

It's good! I made a few minor suggestions to improve phrasing. 


Query Compatibility YA sci-fi: http://agentquerycon...lity-ya-sci-fi/


#4 9emilylime9

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Posted 27 February 2018 - 12:19 AM

 

Hello! I would really appreciate feedback on the first 250 words of my book. I'm happy to return the favor.

 

Darkness flees when an amber light pierces my vision. I look at my seat belt in a daze to find it still on and pressing firmly against my ribs. It probably saved me from the hell-raising crash since the airbag ironically did not deploy. Well, that was a waste of money. My brain pulses with the rhythm of my heartbeat and buzzes ferociously as if wasps were nesting in my ears. When my mind finally settles, I realize that the tree outside isn't upright. Wait, is it upside down? Or am I upside down? I see (more active) finally recognize the blood rushing to my head and my brother's necklace dangling in front of my face. It’s slim, blue gemstone hangs in midair from its thin, leather chain.

"Always looking out for me, aren't you?" I suggest to the piece of jewelry. It doesn't respond, of course. I'm not that insane.(Not sure if the necklace "looking out for her" is an importance piece of the plot, but if not it seems a little unnatural to be said out loud. Especially since we don't know the connection to the brother. I think the image of it is more powerful when unexplained, but that may be just me :) )

When I unbuckle my seatbelt, a massive weight is lifted from my lungs and a torrid gust rushes in (these two sentences are a little confusing because she should hit her head seconds after she unbuckles, so ending the sentence just with the feeling of relief makes me wonder if I misread her positioning in the car). My brief remedy is interrupted when my face collides with the roof below me. Glass shards leave me with some lovely cuts that mark my teenage complexion.

"Scars look good on girls, right? Oh wait, that's for guys..." (I think this is more realistically thought than said out loud, since she's upside-down with her face against broken glass) I joke to reassure myself. (telling)

My eyes widen when I do not find a door attached to the gaping hole beside me. I swallow dryly and position myself to roll out of the crude opening.

 

 

Overall a very interesting start to a novel! I just think you need to tighten up the language a bit so that the length of the sentences match the length of the action.



#5 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 27 February 2018 - 12:12 PM

 

Hello! I would really appreciate feedback on the first 250 words of my book. I'm happy to return the favor.

 

Darkness flees when an amber light pierces my vision. I agree with with Inloft said about this. I look at my seat belt in a daze to find it still on and pressing firmly against my ribs. It probably saved me from the hell-raising crash. The airbag ironically did not deploy. Well, that was a waste of money. My brain pulses with the rhythm of my heartbeat and buzzes ferociously as if wasps were nesting in my ears. When my mind finally settles, I realize that the tree outside isn't upright. Wait, is it upside down? Or am I upside down? I like the voice here, but not the first one that I struck out.  I finally recognize the blood rushing to my head and my brother's necklace dangling in front of my face. This is worded confusingly. It’s slim, blue gemstone hangs in midair from its thin, leather chain.

"Always looking out for me, aren't you?" I suggest to the piece of jewelry. It doesn't respond, of course. I'm not that insane.

When I unbuckle my seatbelt, a massive weight is lifted from my lungs and a torrid gust rushes in. My brief remedy is interrupted when my face collides with the roof below me. Glass shards leave me with some lovely cuts that mark my teenage complexion.  I personally don't like this.  I'd rather you just said face.  It just sounds... too much.

"Scars look good on girls, right? Oh wait, that's for guys..." I joke to reassure myself.

My eyes widen when I do not find a door attached to the gaping hole beside me. I swallow dryly and position myself to roll out of the crude opening.

 

 

Overall, I like this and I think it's an interesting opening.  I would read more.  There are just those few things which are a bit much, and if you toned them down, the pacing would move faster



#6 JDSmith

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Posted 27 February 2018 - 05:07 PM

Thanks so much for the feedback! Haha, yeah, I'm definitely just gonna change "teenage complexion" to "face". I have this weird impulse to not use common words because I'm afraid of using them too much but I'm really just over thinking it. Her addressing the necklace is supposed to be her way of communicating with her deceased brother and recurs throughout the book.

 

I'll revise this sometime tomorrow.


I'd really appreciate help with my query: Iris Mjolnir Spawn of War

 

First 250 words here: Woooo

 

Write on!


#7 JDSmith

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Posted 28 February 2018 - 02:55 AM

Here's the new version! Thanks for the feedback!

 

Every muscle in my body burns as I stir in what’s left of my car. For a moment, it feels like my eyes will never open again. The thunder left me trembling and the lightning etched its way into my core. Is it over? I look at my seat belt to find it still on and pressing firmly against my ribs. It probably saved me since the airbag ironically did not deploy. My brain pulses with the rhythm of my heartbeat and buzzes ferociously as if wasps were nesting in my ears. When my mind finally settles, I notice a tree outside that isn't upright. Wait, is it upside down? Or am I upside down? I finally recognize the blood rushing to my head as my brother's necklace dangles in front of my face. Its slim, blue gemstone hangs in midair from its thin, leather chain.

"Always looking out for me, aren't you?" I ask the piece of jewelry. It doesn't respond, of course. I'm not that insane.

When I unbuckle my seatbelt, a massive weight is lifted from my lungs and my face collides with the roof below me. Glass shards leave me with some lovely cuts that mark my complexion.

"Scars look good on girls, right? Oh wait, that's for guys..." I joke to reassure myself.

My eyes widen when I do not find a door attached to the gaping hole beside me. I swallow dryly and position myself to roll out of the crude opening.


I'd really appreciate help with my query: Iris Mjolnir Spawn of War

 

First 250 words here: Woooo

 

Write on!


#8 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 28 February 2018 - 11:55 AM

 

Here's the new version! Thanks for the feedback!

 

Every muscle in my body burns as I stir in stir within would sound better here, I think.  "As I stir in what left of my car" sounds like you're stirring in ingredients for a recipe, in my opinion. what’s left of my car. For a moment, it feels like my eyes will never open again. The thunder left me trembling and the lightning etched its way into my core. Is it over? I look at my seat belt to find it still on and pressing firmly against my ribs. It probably saved me since the airbag ironically did not deploy. My brain pulses with the rhythm of my heartbeat and buzzes ferociously as if wasps were nesting in my ears. When my mind finally settles, I notice a tree outside that isn't upright. Wait, is it upside down? Or am I upside down? I finally recognize the blood rushing to my head as my brother's necklace dangles in front of my face. Its slim, blue gemstone hangs in midair from its thin, leather chain. I understand what this sentence is saying, but I still find it confusing.  I think you're going to have to rearrange it entirely. 

"Always looking out for me, aren't you?" I ask the piece of jewelry. It doesn't respond, of course. I'm not that insane.

When I unbuckle my seatbelt, a massive weight is lifted from my lungs and my face collides with the roof below me. Glass shards leave me with some lovely cuts that mark my complexion. I would still prefer face here, but hey, it's your book.

"Scars look good on girls, right? Oh wait, that's for guys..." I joke to reassure myself.

My eyes widen when I do not find a door attached to the gaping hole beside me. I swallow dryly and position myself to roll out of the crude opening.

 



#9 1cezman

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Posted 07 March 2018 - 12:12 PM

 

Here's the new version! Thanks for the feedback!

 

Every muscle in my body burns as I stir in what’s left of my car. For a moment, it feels like my eyes will never open again. The thunder left me trembling and the lightning etched its way into my core. Is it over? I look at my seat belt to find it still on and pressing firmly against my ribs. It probably saved me since the airbag ironically did not deploy. My brain pulses (this sounds a bit off for a 1st person narrative. You'll hardly hear anyone, let alone a teenager, describe a headeache as a pulse. Maybe something like banging would work better?)with the rhythm of my heartbeat and buzzes ferociously as if wasps were nesting in my ears. When my mind finally settles, I notice a tree outside that isn't upright. Wait, is it upside down? Or am I upside down? I finally recognize the blood rushing to my head (this sounds a bit off. Maybe describe the feeling instead of just saying it? Something like, everything is spinning, seeing black spots etc)as my brother's necklace dangles in front of my face. Its slim, blue gemstone hangs in midair from its thin, leather chain.

"Always looking out for me, aren't you?" I ask the piece of jewelry. It doesn't respond, of course. I'm not that insane. (Love this. Really lets the character shine through and mentioning the brother's necklace gives a hint of something important without giving too much away. Nicely done.)

When I unbuckle my seatbelt, a massive weight is lifted from my lungs and my face collides with the roof below me. Glass shards leave me with some lovely cuts that mark my complexion.

"Scars look good on girls, right? Oh wait, that's for guys..." I joke to reassure myself. (Good characterisation again.)

My eyes widen when I do not find a door attached to the gaping hole beside me. I swallow dryly and position myself to roll out of the crude opening.

 

 

 

I read both the openings and will say the second is miles better. The voice in the first felt too out of character but the second is right on the money. You could do with changing a few more sentences but all in all, its solid. I love the characterization you've managed to show with just a few hundred words. Showing her joking despite her current predicament makes me really want to know more about her so a job well done. Kudos.


Would really appreciate a little feedback on my first 250 words: http://agentquerycon...ya-sci-fantasy/


#10 TheBest

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Posted 03 April 2018 - 03:39 PM

Every muscle in my body burns as I stir in what’s left of my car. For a moment, it feels like my eyes will never open again. (This is a good start, but I've always heard that opening sentences work best when they establish the hook immediately. Consider moving something below up, so we know immediately what your protagonist is going through.) The thunder left me trembling and the lightning etched its way into my core. Is it over? I look at my seat belt to find it still on and pressing firmly against my ribs. It probably must have saved me since the airbag ironically did not forgot to deploy/didn't deploy deploy. My brain pulses with to the rhythm of my heartbeat and buzzes ferociously (No adverbs + the metaphor accomplishes the same thing) as if wasps were nesting in my ears. When my mind finally settles, I notice a tree outside (Slumped over? At an angle? Off?) that isn't uprightWait, is it upside down? Or am I upside down? (HA! This is great!) I finally recognize the blood rushing to my head as , my brother's necklace danglesing in front of my face. Its slim, blue gemstone hangs in midair from its thin, leather chain.

"Always looking out for me, aren't you?" I ask the piece of jewelry. It doesn't respond, of course. I'm not that (Italics) insane.

When I unbuckle my seatbelt, a massive weight is lifted lifts from my lungs and my face collides with the roof below me. Glass shards leave me with some lovely cuts that mark my complexion.

"Scars look good on girls, right? Oh wait, that's for guys..." I joke to reassure myself.

My eyes widen when I do not find a door attached to the gaping hole beside me. (Fix wording here) I swallow dryly and position myself to roll out of the crude opening.

 

Great voice in this opening! However, I think you could cut the use of adverbs, and streamline the wording. Read through each sentence, and make sure to keep only the absolute essentials. YA readers especially do better with easy to read prose. Lastly, while this is a really strong opening (readers love intensity!), I think you could make the situation clear from the first sentence or two. That way, we immediately know the protagonist's predicament.

 

Good luck!!

 

PS:
 

Sorry for the late feedback -- I'd forgotten about my thread. I'll keep an eye out for any new changes to make up for it. :)







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