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Tales of Adventure: The Wayfarer [Adult (Psychological) Fantasy] - Critique for Critique


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#1 Wayfarer

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Posted 02 March 2018 - 02:11 PM

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#2 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 02 March 2018 - 06:45 PM

Original:

The Wayfarer, Aëros Aruae names should be in all caps when introducing a character, has long been hunting Athair—the Necromancer responsible for the omnicide known as ‘The First War’. Athair was defeated, but escaped before his reckoning was brought upon him. Amongst the dead lay several of Aëros’ kith and kin, the desire to avenge them the impetus that fuels his hatred this sentence sounds overly convoluted, and his search for vengeance.

 

Using the arcane ability of Weaving, Aëros’ manipulates the fundamental units of the universe—Threads—to aid him in his quest. I think this needs a bit more to it.  I don't know what "Weaving" is.  Just a sentence or two more explaining this process better would help. And why does it aid him? He is capable of creating illusory images of himself, conjuring the voices of others as his own I'm confused.  What does "conjuring the voices of others as his own" mean? and venturing between worlds and places by opening Rifts—separations of realities and timelines. After reading the entire synopsis, it might be helpful to describe what's in these worlds a bit more, what he does in them, the people he meets.  Because I was imagining a very stark, barren world here at first.

 

The only lasting companion he has along his journey is a shadow. It walks beside him, a doppelgänger wreathed in darkness, its purpose as murky as the unfamiliar memories it conjures. Aëros’ doesn’t know when it first appeared, why it follows him now, or what is hidden behind its cryptic words and the memories they dredge up. Yet the shadow is that which guides him towards Athair, so Aëros bears its enigmatic burden in hopes of exacting his revenge.

 

As Aëros’ nears Athair, the memories evoked by the shadow clarify, and he begins to understand what is hidden within them. When he finally reaches the destination the shadow has guided him to, he does not find Athair there awaiting him. He instead finds a grave, the name inscribed upon it his own whose own? Aeros or Athair?. The full truth of his memories is unleashed then, and he recalls all that befell him, and what truly became of his world, himself, and Athair.

 

Athair was victorious, having rent the world asunder and laid it beneath ash. Aëros found the villain and subdue subdued him, but Athair’s life was not his to take. The villain evoked a terrible frost, one that consumed him, his final act of spite his own suicide as Aëros’ looked on, helpless. So bascially he froze himself to death? Again, I think this needs just a bit more clarification.  Also - wow you must really hate a guy to spite him by killing yourself.

 

Left with nothing, not even his revenge, Aëros was faced with a choice. To accept what had befallen him, and move on—leaving to any number of realms amongst the infinitude of the universe, hoping that with time his woes would be mended. Or to forget, to push the memory to the depths of his mind, and replace his world with another, an alternate world where Athair’s war was prevented. Okay - so can the people of this world REALLY travel to alternate dimensions? Or is it just all in his head? Is he really, physically in an alternate dimension right now? Half the time it sounds like these people can really traverse the universe, and half the time it sounds like everything is just him going nuts. A world where the forests still thrived, the mountains still stood, and life was left in peace. A world where the version of himself who dwelled there had died, providing him a space to fill. I understand all of this for the most part, but the prose can get very flowery in certain parts, which made it hard to follow.  I think this needs to be re-worded in more simplier terms so people reading this for the first time understand.

 

Aëros chose the latter, taking the place of the version of himself who had perished so, is this alternate dimension he's been journeying through ENTIRELY in his head, or real? The whole taking the place of a version of his dead self is confusing me about what's real and what's not, renewing his purpose by convincing himself that Athair lived, and he would find his revenge still. He repressed the memory of his past, and as he did the shadow was cast. It was the part of him that knew he would one day need to remember what he had forsaken, or be consumed by the insanity that grew from its repression. The shadow mislead him, claiming to guide him to Athair, when it was truly directing him to the grave of his fallen self, the effigy that would force Aëros’ to remember what he had forsaken.

 

Now, the truth revealed, Aëros is faced with the same choice. To move on from his past, and begin the path towards healing his dying soul, the entirety of the universe open for him to explore. Or repress it again, accepting in the place of truth the bliss of ignorance, but condemning himself to the inevitable insanity such repression ensures.

 

In the end he makes his choice anew, and moves on from his false reality, accepting what befell him, and carrying the burden of sorrow until time at last weathers it to but a distant memory.

 

This was quite the mind fuck.  The only thing I was super confused about was can they really go to parallel dimensions/or does he just think that because of his psychosis? That part needs to be more clear.

I love your writing style - even if I didn't know this was a fantasy book, or if your character's had normal names, I would still assume it was fantasy purely from your tone of voice.  I hope the novel has the same tone :) BUT, on the other hand, there were a few areas where the prose got a little too purple for a synopsis (especially when you are explaining things) which could benefit from toning it down and using simpler words just to help agents understand what's going on reading it the first time.



#3 Wayfarer

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Posted 03 March 2018 - 11:42 AM

Thanks for the read through Disgruntled, I appreciate it.

I definitely get your meaning, I have a hard to explaining in simple terms the connection between Aeros' insanity and his ability to travel between worlds. Hopefully the new revision was able to clarify that.



#4 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 03 March 2018 - 05:29 PM

Revision 1:

The Wayfarer, AËROS ARUAE, has long been hunting ATHAIR—the Necromancer responsible for the omnicide known as ‘The First War’. Athair was defeated, but escaped before his reckoning was exacted. Amongst the dead lay several of Aëros’ kith and kin, his desire to avenge them the driving force in his search for Athair.

 

Aëros studies the arcane discipline of Weaving. Through deliberate attunement to specific Threads—the fundamental units that compose all things both animate and inanimate—a Weaver can create an infinite number of differing effects. Aëros is a master of the Threads of Dräu, and Aūr specifically. I'm not sure if it's entirely nessecary to name the threads here, specifically the Threads of Drau.  I see the other one comes into play later, but I don't see how the first one plays an important part at all. The former enables him to manipulate shadow and illusion, creating phantom duplicates of himself or masking his voice to sound like another’s. The latter allows him to venture between different places, worlds, realities, and timelines by opening Rifts leading from one space to another. He has come to rely on these abilities for his survival, and his current quest is no different. Ahh - I understand this much better now.

 

Aëros dwells now in his home world of Eave, I like how the world has a name in this version his journey leading him from the untamed and verdant regions of the West into those desecrated and left abandoned after the First War (this last part reads as slightly confusing). The only lasting companion he has along his journey is a shadow. It walks beside him, a doppelgänger wreathed in darkness, its purpose as murky as the unfamiliar memories it conjures. Aëros’ doesn’t know when it first appeared, why it follows him now, or what is hidden behind its cryptic words and the memories they dredge up. Yet the shadow is that which guides him towards Athair, so Aëros bears its enigmatic burden in hopes of exacting his revenge.

 

As Aëros’ nears Athair, the memories evoked by the shadow clarify, and he begins to understand what is hidden within them. When he reaches the destination the shadow has guided him to, he does not find Athair there awaiting him. He instead finds a grave, the name inscribed upon it his own. The full truth of his memories is unleashed then, and he recalls all that befell him, and what truly became of his world, himself, and Athair.

 

Athair was victorious, having rent the world asunder and laid it beneath ash. Aëros found the villain and subdued him, but Athair’s life was not his to take. The villain killed himself then, his suicide a final act of condemnation purposed to rob Aëros’ of the satisfaction of revenge.

 

Left with nothing, not even his reprisal, Aëros was faced with a choice. To accept what had befallen him, and move on—hoping that with time his woes would be mended, his mastery of the Threads of Aūr allowing him to continue his life in another world unlike his own, freeing him from his grief. Or to forget, to push the memory to the depths of his mind, and leave to a world that mirrored his own in almost every way.

 

Aëros chose the latter, opening a Rift to a world that was nearly identical to the one he had lost. It was a world that existed in a timeline separate from his own, one where Athair was defeated, and all that he loved still lived. In it, the Aëros who called it home had perished in the First War, providing the refugee Aëros a space to fill. Yes - this is way clearer to me now.

 

He repressed the memory of his past, and renewed his purpose by convincing himself that Athair lived, and he would find his revenge still. In so doing his mind began to unravel, incapable of containing the memories he had buried within it. From the mental prison in which they festered the shadow was cast. It was the part of him that knew he would one day need to remember what he had forsaken, or be consumed by the insanity that grew from its repression. The shadow mislead him, playing into his delusion by claiming to guide him to Athair, when it was truly directing him to the grave of his fallen self, the effigy that would force Aëros’ to remember what he had forsaken.

 

Now, the truth revealed, Aëros is faced with the same choice. To move on from his past, and begin the path towards healing his fragmented soul, the entirety of the universe open for him to explore. Or repress it again, accepting in the place of truth the bliss of ignorance, but condemning himself to the inevitable insanity such repression ensures.

 

In the end he makes his choice anew, and moves on from his delusion, accepting what befell him, and carrying the burden of sorrow until time at last weathers it to but a distant memory.

 

Okay - all of this reads way clearer to me know.  I don't know if that's because I read the first one, so I sort of know the story now, but I found this way easier to read and understand this time around. 

One thing I will say - in your query, you mention other people he runs into along his journey.  It may be beneficial to touch on that here as well, again, to give the world a "not-so-empty" feel to it.

Can I ask how you came up with the idea for your story as well? I love fantasy, and I love stories that mess with your mind, so this is great.



#5 PureZhar3

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Posted 03 March 2018 - 08:17 PM

Revision 1:

The Wayfarer, AËROS ARUAE, has long been hunting ATHAIR—the Necromancer responsible for the omnicide known as ‘The First War’. Athair was defeated, but escaped before his reckoning was exacted. Amongst the dead lay several of Aëros’ kith and kin, his desire to avenge them the driving force in his search for Athair. ​I don't think this is a proper sentence?

 

Aëros studies the arcane discipline of Weaving. Through deliberate attunement to specific Threads—the fundamental units that compose all things both animate and inanimate—a Weaver can create an infinite number of differing effects. Aëros is a master of the Threads of Dräu, and Aūr specifically. ​In my opinion, you could probably clarify this by either: a) leaving out the Threads entirely or b) just mentioning he's the master of threads that allow him to... as it is, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by all the information/terms The former enables him to manipulate shadow and illusion, creating phantom duplicates of himself or masking his voice to sound like another’s ​Are these examples of things that manipulating shadow/illusion allow him to do, or are these the only things? If they're the only (or main things), you may just want to say that directly "the former enables him to create phantom duplicates...". The latter allows him to venture between different places, worlds, realities, and timelines by opening Rifts leading from one space to another. He has come to rely on these abilities for his survival, and his current quest ​the search for Athair? this is unclear to me is no different.

 

Aëros dwells now in his home world of Eave ​is this the one Athair destroyed? You could make that clear in the first paragraph, which would also mean you wouldn't have to mention that Aeros's kith and kin was present, his journey leading him from the untamed and verdant regions of the West into those desecrated and left abandoned after the First War. ​So, dwells and journey are kind of contradictory? The only lasting companion he has along his journey is a shadow. It walks beside him, a doppelgänger wreathed in darkness, its purpose as murky as the unfamiliar memories it conjures. Aëros’ doesn’t know when it first appeared, why it follows him now, or what is hidden behind its cryptic words and the memories they dredge up. Yet the shadow is that which guides him towards Athair, so Aëros bears its enigmatic burden in hopes of exacting his revenge.

 

As Aëros’ nears Athair, the memories evoked by the shadow clarify, and he begins to understand what is hidden within them. When he reaches the destination the shadow has guided him to, he does not find Athair there awaiting him. He instead finds a grave, the name inscribed upon it his own. The full truth of his memories is unleashed then, and he recalls all that befell him, and what truly became of his world, himself, and Athair.

 

Athair was victorious, having rent the world asunder and laid it beneath ash. Aëros found the villain and subdued him, but Athair’s life was not his to take. The villain killed himself then, his suicide a final act of condemnation purposed to rob Aëros’ of the satisfaction of revenge. ​Wait, so Athair specifically killed himself just to rob Aeros of revenge? That's mean, man. But I would suggest phrasing that simpler, because the concept itself is a bit hard to comprehend without the grandiose wording (don't get me wrong, I like your writing style. But there are times to be direct, and this is one of them)

 

Left with nothing, not even his reprisal, Aëros was faced with a choice. To accept what had befallen him, and move on—hoping that with time his woes would be mended, his mastery of the Threads of Aūr allowing him to continue his life in another world unlike his own, freeing him from his grief. Or to forget, to push the memory to the depths of his mind, and leave to a world that mirrored his own in almost every way. ​I think this paragraph would greatly benefit from being more concise

 

Aëros chose the latter, opening a Rift to a world that was nearly identical to the one he had lost. It was a world that existed in a timeline separate from his own, one where Athair was defeated, and all that he loved still lived. In it, the Aëros who called it home had perished in the First War, providing the refugee Aëros a space to fill. ​The first part of this paragraph makes it sound as if the First War never happened, but the second half shows it clearly did. You need to clarify. Particularly what is tripping me up is that inked in blue

 

He repressed the memory of his past, and renewed his purpose by convincing himself that Athair lived, and he would find his revenge still. In so doing his mind began to unravel, incapable of containing the memories he had buried within it. From the mental prison in which they festered the shadow was cast. It was the part of him that knew he would one day need to remember what he had forsaken, or be consumed by the insanity that grew from its repression. The shadow mislead him, playing into his delusion by claiming to guide him to Athair, when it was truly directing him to the grave of his fallen self, the effigy that would force Aëros’ to remember what he had forsaken. ​Okay, I'm lost as to what is true/not true. I think this is spilling over from the last couple paragraphs, but I think conciseness would benefit this paragraph as well.

 

Now, the truth revealed, Aëros is faced with the same choice. To move on from his past, and begin the path towards healing his fragmented soul, the entirety of the universe open for him to explore. Or repress it again, accepting in the place of truth the bliss of ignorance, but condemning himself to the inevitable insanity such repression ensures. ​I do not like the way you phrase these choice paragraphs. They're too clunky for me.

 

In the end he makes his choice anew, and moves on from his delusion, accepting what befell him, and carrying the burden of sorrow until time at last weathers it to but a distant memory.

The crossed out parts were unnecessary or just added confusion. I think the general synopsis is good, there are simply points where things got confusing. I think being concise and stating things directly will help you a lot. Great job, though. This story is so interesting! Also, for my part, I'm glad Aeros decided to move on :)


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#6 Wayfarer

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Posted 03 March 2018 - 09:50 PM

Excellent points Pure, thanks as always. I'll make pretty much all those adjustments in the next revision.

 

As for Athair, yea he really did kill himself just to spite Aeros. He was a bad dude. A proper villain, evil for evils sake. He just liked to hurt people, and is my in-story version of real-world serial killers suffering from psychopathy.

 

And regarding Aeros moving on, I'm a pretty firm believer in fantasy means a happy ending. That said, I do try to skirt the line between sorrow and happiness incredibly closely. I think that liminal space creates a more compelling emotional attachment. Dunno if I've done it well in the MS, but that's Agent requests/rejections will be for haha.



#7 Wayfarer

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Posted 03 March 2018 - 10:05 PM

EDIT: Ah disgruntled, didn't mean to overlook you. Didn't see at first that you responded again.

I agree with mentioning Drau, and with adding in a bit more of the world and journey. With Pure's cuts, I'll be have more space to do that with now.

As for how I came up with this, it's rather convoluted.

 

This is technically my second book. My first took place in the same world, same characters, but had a completely different plot. I was trying to write a Tolkien inspired fantasy epic in one novel. Didn't work. I did a lot of introspection on what I wanted to write, and came to the conclusion that it had to be based on my particular niche in life.

 

I study human behavior and cognition as a hobby/what I went to college for, the primary aspects of it that intrigue me most being mental disorders. I adore learning about disorders of a delusional nature, e.g. psychosis, and decided I had to build my plot around that. A few months after scrapping book #1, I had the working skeleton of this story. Been refining it ever since.



#8 Wayfarer

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Posted 04 March 2018 - 12:50 AM

Rev. 2 up. Aimed for clarification, cut 40 words, how's it reading?



#9 Wayfarer

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Posted 13 March 2018 - 12:31 PM

Rev. 3 up.



#10 VSChapman

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Posted 13 March 2018 - 02:26 PM

Revision 3:

The Wayfarer, AËROS ARUAE, has long been hunting ATHAIR—the Necromancer responsible for the war that left half of the West in ruin. Athair was ultimately defeated, but escaped before his reckoning was exacted. Aëros now hunts Athair in an effort to prevent him from ever again gaining a foothold in the world. (good opening)

 

Aëros studies the arcane discipline of Weaving. Through deliberate attunement to specific Threads—fundamental strands of energy that compose all things both animate and inanimate—a Weaver can create an infinite number of differing effects. (I'm very confused. This all went way over my head! ;)) Aëros is a master of the Threads of Aūr specifically, allowing him to open Rifts between different places, worlds, realities, and timelines. (so...he can create different worlds? Like an alternate universe?)

 

Dwelling now in his home world of Eave, Aëros ventures from the verdant regions of the West into those left abandoned after the First War as he searches for Athair. While many of his comrades appear along the way, insisting on aiding him in his quest, the only companion Aëros allows to accompany him to the end is the SHADOW.

 

The shadow walks beside him, a doppelganger only he can see, revealing to him visions it claims are memories of the past. (nice description) Regardless of Aëros’ dispassion towards the shadow, the ethereal entity never wavers in its company. It accompanies Aëros as he journeys through the West, finding enemies and allies in equal measure along the way.

 

As Aëros’ nears Athair, the visions evoked by the shadow begin to actually feel like memory, causing Aëros to question his reality. When he reaches his journey’s end, he does not find Athair there awaiting him. Aëros instead finds a grave, the name inscribed upon it his own. The full truth of the memories is unleashed then, and he recalls all that befell him, and what truly became of his world, himself, and Athair.

 

The world in which Aëros finds himself is not his own, but one that mirrors it existing in an alternate reality. In Aëros true world, Athair was victorious, having rent the world asunder and slaughtered all Aëros ever loved. Left with nothing but revenge, Aëros set out to exact it upon Athair. But Athair would not have it, and in a final act of condemnation took his own life, so that Aëros could not.

 

Left with nothing, not even his reprisal, Aëros was faced with a choice. To accept what had befallen him, and move on to other worlds—hoping that with time his woes would be mended. Or to forget, to push the memory to the depths of his mind, and leave to an alternate reality that mirrored his own in almost every way.

 

Aëros chose the latter, opening a Rift to the world in which he now finds himself. It is a world nearly identical to the one he lost, save in it Athair was slain before his war had fully gripped the world, though not soon enough to prevent its destruction completely. In it, the alternate version of Aëros lies dead—his tomb that which the imposter Aëros now stands before.

 

As Aëros entered the new world, he repressed the memory of his past, and renewed his purpose by convincing himself that Athair lived, and he would find his revenge still. In so doing his mind began to unravel, incapable of containing the memories he had buried within it. From this prison of festering memory was the shadow cast. It was the part of him that knew he would one day need to remember what he had forsaken, or be consumed by the insanity that grew from its suppression. The shadow mislead him, playing into his delusion by claiming to guide him to Athair, when it was truly directing him to the grave of his fallen self, the effigy that would force Aëros to remember what he had forsaken.

 

Now, as the memories rush back and the truth lays bare, Aëros is faced with the same choice. To move on from his past, and begin the path towards healing his fragmented soul, the entirety of the universe open for him to explore. Or repress it again, accepting in the place of truth the bliss of ignorance, but condemning himself to the inevitable insanity such repression ensures. 

 

In the end he moves on from his delusion, accepting what befell him, and carrying the burden of sorrow until time at last weathers it to a distant memory.

I kinda just skimmed over the first versions but this one seems pretty clear. I was just confused on the 'weaving' part. And I like that he decides to move on. (I'm all for the happiest possible ending). Sorry I can't help more but I really don't have any other suggestions. Good luck!



#11 Wayfarer

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Posted 13 March 2018 - 09:52 PM

Rev 4. is up, tried to clarify Weaving a bit more and push it to the first paragraph to get it out of the way.



#12 mkuriel

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Posted 15 March 2018 - 09:57 PM

**I"m critiquing on the assumption that this is a short synopsis, and not a long one.**

 

 

The Wayfarer, AËROS ARŪAE, is a master of the arcane discipline of Weaving. [ohhh... that would have been useful to know in the query... I can see why you didn't include it though...] Through deliberate study of Threads—fundamental strands of energy that compose all things both animate and inanimate—a Weaver can manipulate them into a range of different phenomena. [sounds like an Aethermancer...but it's fluff] Aëros, a master of the Threads of Aūr, is capable of opening Rifts: separations between different places, worlds, realities, and timelines. [sounds Dr. Strange-like. Are these separations the same thing as portals or bridges? Because, correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't different things already separated? Why open a separation? ]

[character introduction. Reason for these green words explained at bottom]

 

Aëros has long hunted ATHAIR—the Necromancer responsible for the war that left half of the West in ruin. [half of what west? the west of the Aurscape? The Aurscape would be, of course, a mind-bending representation of all the places accessible from Aeros' Rifts]  Athair was ultimately defeated, but escaped before his reckoning was exacted. Aëros now seeks to eliminate Athair in an effort to prevent him from ever again gaining power. [Look, I'm not narcissistic, just confused: why does Aeros care about Athair? You basically just said, "I have phenomenal cosmic powers, but I want to kill a guy who animates the dead." So... what I'm getting at is that you need to establish why this guy is on Aeros' radar... After a man with the power to animate corpses immune to Aeros' powers left half of Aeros' home world in ruins...  This is a great set-up for the premise: confront darkness before it makes you crazy. But you either need to establish limits on Athair's power early, or explain why he won't just poof off to a place that doesn't have Necromancers. Because he can, apparently, go anywhere, anywhen, in a vast multiverse.

 

Either that, or you might want to restructure the whole synopsis... more on that later.]

[opening image]

 

Dwelling now in his home world of Eave, Aëros ventures from the verdant regions of the West into those left abandoned after the First War as he searches for Athair. While many of his comrades appear along the way, insisting on aiding him in his quest, the only companion Aëros allows to accompany him to the end is the SHADOW. [There's a less-wordy way to introduce this idea.] As he searches, The shadow walks beside him, a doppelganger only he can see walks with him. It reveals to him grim visions it claims are memories of the past. Regardless of Aëros’ dispassion for the shadow, the ethereal entity never wavers in its presence. It accompanies Aëros as he journeys through the West, finding enemies and allies in equal measure along the way. [That's mostly just fluff, and this is a very long synopsis - I've heard that 500 words is a soft limit for a short synopsis. If they want a long one, 2 pages... ]

[Conflict and character encounters]

 

As Aëros’ nears Athair, the visions evoked by the shadow begin to actually feel like memory, causing Aëros to question his reality. [awkward and nebulous. Does Aeros question the reality he's in, his own reality, or the shadow's reality?] When he reaches his journey’s end, he does not find Athair there awaiting him. Aëros instead finds a grave, the name inscribed upon it his own. Unable to deny what the shadow has shown him, Aëros recalls all that befell him, and what truly became of his world, himself, and Athair. that The world in which Aëros finds himself is not his own, but one on an alternate timeline. that mirrors it in an alternate reality. In Aëros’ true reality, Athair was victorious, having rent the world asunder and slaughtered all Aëros ever loved. [this information is very late...but I get why it is... I hate memory loss... ] Left with nothing but revenge, Aëros set out to exact it upon [this is nice and flowery, but can be summed up with one word] pursued Athair. But Athair would not have it, and in a final act of condemnation took his own life, so that Aëros could not.

[Winning Seems Imminent but]

 

Left with nothing, not even his reprisal, Aëros was faced with a choice. To accept what had befallen him, and move on to other worlds—hoping that with time his woes would be mended.  , Or to forget,. to push the memory to the depths of his mind, and leave to an alternate reality that mirrored his own in almost every way to live a life of delusion. [Ah ha! This is your inciting incident! As such, it needs to be closer to the top. It's more important to accurately identify the stakes and plot up front than it is to go into such detail on what was only a plot turn... suggest delivering this inciting incident as a hook: Left with nothing, Aeros chose to abandon the lifeless world he couldn't save for an alternate timeline that he could. But even Aum Weavers have only one true timeline, and it's ghost would not let him forget.]

[inciting incident]

 

Aëros chose the latter, opening a Rift to the world in which he now finds himself. It is a world nearly identical to the one he lost, save in it Athair was slain before his war had fully gripped the world. The alternate version of Aëros was responsible for Athair’s undoing, but perished for the effort—his tomb that which the imposter Aëros now stands before.

[plot point 1]

 

As Aëros entered the new world as an imposter, he repressed the memory of his true past, renewing his purpose by convincing himself that Athair lived, and he would find his revenge still. In so doing his mind began to unravel, incapable of containing the memories he had buried within it. From this prison of festering memory was the shadow cast. It was the part of him that knew he would one day need to remember what he had forsaken, or be consumed by the insanity that grew from its suppression. The shadow mislead him, playing into his delusion by claiming to guide him to Athair, when it was truly directing him to the grave of his fallen self, the effigy that would force Aëros to remember what he had forsaken. [wordy and redundant. We already know most of this, which is a clear indication that your synopsis is told in the wrong order.]

[Not sure.. there isn't a lot of new information]

 

Now, as the memories rush back and the truth lays bare, Aëros is faced with the same choice. [Even Aum Weavers get caught in fractal time...] To move on from his past, and begin the path towards healing his fragmented soul, the entirety of the universe open for him to explore. Or repress it again, accepting in the place of truth the bliss of ignorance, but condemning himself to the inevitable insanity such repression ensures. [you've only vaguely established that this is true, btw. It reads as though he chooses to drive himself insane]

[Climax]

 

In the end he moves on from his delusion, accepting what befell him, and carrying the burden of sorrow until time at last weathers it to a distant memory. [um... not to nit-pick but there's a third option: accepting the past, and moving on in the present.]

[Final Image]

 

Remember, the synopsis needs to clearly explain the narrative after the query hooks an agent's interest. Conveying tone is good, long, wordy descriptions are not. If the query reads as overly flowery, it will imply that the novel does as well. Ensure the agent you query wants that! Otherwise, you could be trying to sell a luxury car to someone who wants a bicycle.

 

While not strictly necessary, having an outline for your synopsis might help. This site helped get me get started: http://www.publishin...-page-synopsis/

 

Right now, your outline appears to be (using terms from the article): Character Intro, opening image, conflicts and character encounters, Winning Seems Imminent but, Inciting incident, plot point 1, fluff, climax, and final image.

 

I used green to mark how I identified your paragraphs. 

 

Note that the plot may follow this outline in the narrative and that's okay; but you want to convey a whole story to an agent/publisher so using a consistent method will help ensure comprehension.

 

If this was useful and you feel so inclined, my synopsis is here: http://agentquerycon...-crit-for-crit/






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