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The Other Side of Blood--Fantasy


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#1 Mdane

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Posted 02 March 2018 - 11:52 PM

New hook in post #3

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hey all,

 

so I have never given writing a hook a crack, so I thought I would give it a go to break up my editing. Please let me know what you think. 

 

 

An immortal assassin hunts for a cure to his existence when a girl’s love teaches him the world isn’t as dark as he once believed. He must now deny death while he attempts to rescue the girl from a cell his selfish actions put her in.

 

​Please, any comments, good or bad, would be appreciated.

 

Thanks,


Desperately looking for advice on my query The Other Side of Blood

 

My published novel on Amazon The Traitor in the Trees


#2 agriba

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Posted 04 March 2018 - 11:57 PM

Okay so I'm a bit lost on this one.  Here's what I got out of it:

 

   "An immortal assassin hunts for a cure to his existence": he is trying to kill himself?  If that's what you're going for I really like the attempt, I just think you might need to add one word in there as to make it clear.  As it stands I'm not 100% I'm on the right track with this one.

 

  "When a girl's love. . . .":  Awkward.  It's too passive and the tense just reads wrong.  Replace "when" with until.  You need some stronger connection between the two ideas or at least some better flow the to verb tenses.

 

  "He must now deny death. . . ." :  I thought he was immortal and didn't know how to die?  Did one of the two conflicts get resolved in the hook? I hate when that happens that fast.

 

 " . . . while he attempts to rescue the girl from a cell his selfish actions put her in."  That's just poorly written.  Try: ". . . as he attempts to rescue the girl he put in peril."  Or "as he attempts to rescue the girl he sent to the gallows."  If prison is literally the worst thing that's happening, maybe just leave that out.  It may work for a Grisham novel, but imprisonment is hardly an exciting and race against the clock problem on its own.



#3 Mdane

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Posted 06 March 2018 - 12:12 AM

Awesome, thanks for your help Agriba!! Good points. I have changed it based on your comments, hopefully it works better.

 

 

An immortal assassin, sick with self-loathing, craves death. A child’s love heals his hatred, saving his life. He must now return the favour and save her from the gallows. Death, once lusted after, must now be denied.


Desperately looking for advice on my query The Other Side of Blood

 

My published novel on Amazon The Traitor in the Trees


#4 mkuriel

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Posted 12 March 2018 - 03:29 PM

Awesome, thanks for your help Agriba!! Good points. I have changed it based on your comments, hopefully it works better.

 

 

An immortal assassin, sick with self-loathing, craves death. A child’s love heals his hatred, saving his life. He must now return the favour and save her from the gallows. Death, once lusted after, must now be denied.

 

Interesting, but you haven't resolved how/why an immortal is now in danger. Is the immortality tied to assassination? I.e. Taking a life transfers the 'lost years' to the assassin?

 

Also, "A child's love" could be misinterpreted.

 

(I'll go out on a limb here... if none of this actually works for your hook, take it as feedback that I missed what your story is about)

 

After assassinating a girl's family, the child's compassion shocks Jack-the-ripper [or name of assassin] from the self-loathing that's been building for the last two thousand years. The trouble is that she's going to hang for his crime unless he saves her.

 

Or maybe,

 

When a girl convicted of murder saves Jack-the-Ripper from his self-loathing, he has to choose between suicide and rescuing her from execution.

----

 

Remember, you want to convey who the character is, what's at stake, and the essence of the plot. Being immortal is cool, but you need to determine if it's important enough to include in your hook.

 

I used "Jack-the-ripper" to illustrate that the right name can convey A LOT of information.

 

Hope that helps!






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