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#1 TraceyB

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Posted 03 March 2018 - 10:28 AM

I need a one page synopsis for an agent and would be so grateful for feedback. 
 

Fourteen-year-old OLIVIA is bullied and wishes she were braver and more confident like her friends. According to Olivia, ‘Don’t have sex or you will die,’ should be what they teach in sex education. It would make life a whole lot simpler. She is still to experience her first kiss but daren’t tell her best friend ELLY that she wants to kiss her.

 

Olivia discovers an escape, a crossing place into the faery world. She is attracted to a beautiful dryad AINE. Aine takes Olivia to an enchanted hanging palace where she meets JENNET, a leader of dryads. Jennet makes Olivia feel uncomfortable, but Olivia ignores her instincts that Jennet is dangerous. Desperate to explore more of the faery world, Olivia sneaks off to a macabre faery feast and is attacked by an elven witch. PERCY, a soggy goblin, saves her life and befriends her.

 

In the human world, life becomes more complicated for Olivia. She tries to prove she is straight by kissing the boy Elly fancies. Olivia’s friends take Elly’s side and Olivia is frightened that they are gossiping about her sexuality again.

 

Olivia escapes back to the faery world confused about who she wants to kiss and desperately unhappy. In the faery world, she feels more confident, despite the danger from elven witches. Olivia kisses Aine and asks if she can stay in the faery world. Jennet agrees to protect Olivia, if she rescues a stolen child from goblins. She bravely travels to a goblin city alone. Olivia is shocked to learn that the child is human and that she lives happily with the goblins. In the magical living goblin library, Olivia learns more about the vast faery world and her eyebrows are singed by a volcano that erupts from a book. She discovers that the crossings are used to steal human children who are then traded and enslaved with other faeries. She realises that the children she has seen with Jennet are stolen and that she cannot take the human back to Jennet. The goblins show Olivia a crossing place that could take her safely back to the human world. Instead, Olivia chooses to stay and rescue the children from Jennet. 

 

Olivia persuades Aine to defy Jennet and help her rescue the children. They escape, pursued first by Jennet and then by a mysterious shadowy creature. They learn that most of the crossings to the human world have been sealed to protect human children. Evading murderous faeries and dragons that threaten to incinerate them, they arrive at a port city. The shadowy creature is still following them. They plan to sail north to safety, but an elf with the power to see into the past and future, tells Olivia she is in grave danger of being captured and enslaved. Olivia must take the children to a crossing nearby and return to the human world.   

 

Tracked by the shadowy creature, they arrive at the crossing place to find that it is sealed. They are trapped as wicked dryads spin out of a tornado and elven witches swoop down from shadows. The elven witches reveal the creature that has been following Olivia. It is Percy, a powerful elf in disguise. Olivia feels deeply betrayed by the friend she thought had saved her life. Unable to cross, they are forced to watch as dryads and elven witches fight a terrifying battle for the children. The dryads are defeated and there is a lull in the spell that sealed the crossing. Aine tells Olivia that she loves her and Olivia crosses back into the human world saving two of the children. The elven witches have stolen the youngest child. Aine has entombed herself in the crossing to prevent the witches from following Olivia. Heartbroken, Olivia vows to return.



#2 TraceyB

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Posted 05 March 2018 - 10:07 AM

I've had another go at this and would love someone to give me some feedback. Should I put more of the detail, the voice, back in? Thanks 

 

Having your first kiss is a big deal, especially if you live in a closely knit rural community and are not sure if you are gay. Fourteen-year-old OLIVIA wishes she were brave enough to tell her best friend she wants to kiss her. Olivia has discovered an escape, a crossing place, into the faery world and is attracted to a beautiful dryad AINE.

 

At school, life becomes unbearable when she hears girls gossiping about her sexuality. She tries to prove she is straight by kissing the boy her best friend fancies.  

 

Desperately unhappy, she runs away to the faery world. An elven witch attacks her, and her life is saved by a soggy goblin. Olivia kisses Aine and asks if she can stay. Aine takes her to meet JENNET, the leader of the dryads. They ask for her protection from eleven witches. In return, Jennet sets Olivia a task, she must travel alone and rescue a child stolen by goblins.

 

 

In the goblin city, Olivia is shocked to discover that the child is human. She learns that the crossings are used to steal human children who are then traded and enslaved with the elven witches. She cannot take the human back to Jennet and must therefore break her promise. She realises that three children she saw with Jennet were human.  As a valuable human child herself, she is in grave danger. The goblins show her a crossing place that will take her safely back to the human world. Instead, Olivia chooses to stay and rescue the children from Jennet. 

 

Olivia persuades Aine to defy Jennet and help her to rescue the children. They escape, pursued first by Jennet, and then by a mysterious shadowy creature. They learn that most of the crossings to the human world have been sealed to protect human children. Evading murderous faeries and dragons that threaten to incinerate them, they find brief sanctuary in a port city. The shadowy creature is still following them. They plan to sail north to safety, but an elf tells Olivia that there is an open crossing place nearby and she must take the children and return to the human world.  

 

Tracked by the shadowy creature, they arrive at the crossing place to find that it is sealed. They are trapped against a cliff on a high plateau above Din Guarie. Elven witches and dryads appear and demand the children. The elven witches reveal the creature that has been following Olivia. It is Olivia’s goblin saviour who is a powerful elf in disguise. Olivia feels deeply betrayed by the friend she thought had saved her life. Unable to cross back to the human world, they are forced to watch as dryads and witches fight a terrifying battle for the children.

 

The dryads are defeated and there is a lull in the spell that sealed the crossing. Aine tells Olivia that she loves her and Olivia crosses back to the human world, saving two of the children. The elven witches have stolen the youngest child. Aine has entombed herself in the crossing to prevent the witches from following Olivia.

 

Although Olivia is heartbroken, she feels stronger and braver. She vows to return to rescue Aine and the child.



#3 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 05 March 2018 - 11:24 AM

I've had another go at this and would love someone to give me some feedback. Should I put more of the detail, the voice, back in? Thanks 

 

Having your first kiss is a big deal, especially if you live in a closely knit rural community and are not sure if you are gay. Fourteen-year-old OLIVIA wishes she were brave enough to tell her best friend she wants to kiss her. There needs to be a better transition here Olivia has discovered an escape, a crossing place, into the faery world and is attracted to a beautiful dryad AINE. I think there also needs to be bit more of an explination HOW she found this world.

 

At school, life becomes unbearable when she hears girls gossiping about her sexuality. She tries to prove she is straight by kissing the boy her best friend fancies.  I'm bouncing back and forth between trying to read both synopsises.  I think you need to include a bit more about her life in the real world, because it seems very abrupt.  We need to see how action A in the real world results in reaction B in the faery world.

 

Desperately unhappy, she runs away to the faery world. An elven witch attacks her, and her life is saved by a soggy goblin what is a soggy goblin?. Olivia kisses Aine and asks if she can stay. Aine takes her to meet JENNET, the leader of the dryads. Is this Aine's answer to the question? That they have to meet with the leader to see if she can stay? They ask for her who? Jennet or Olivia? protection from eleven elven witches. In return, Jennet sets Olivia a task, she must travel alone and rescue a child stolen by goblins. This whole paragprah is very abrupt and choppy.  With every sentence, the entire story changes, and it's jarring.  I'm guessing the elven witch that attacked her has something to do with the dryads asking for protection from the elven witches, but it's hard to see the connection.  Also, why are they asking HER help?

 

 

In the goblin city, Olivia is shocked to discover that the child is human. She learns that the crossings We need more detail about the crossings.  How many are there, WHAT are they, etc. are used to steal human children who are then traded and enslaved with the elven witches. She cannot take the human back to Jennet Why? and must therefore break her promise. She realises that three children she saw with Jennet were human. Wait... when did she see children with her?  As a valuable human child herself, she is in grave danger.  I'm confusued at this point.  Why is she in danger? Is Jennet evil? I also don't know who is who and who is bad. The goblins show her a crossing place that will take her safely back to the human world. Instead, Olivia chooses to stay and rescue the children from Jennet. 

 

Olivia persuades Aine to defy Jennet and help her to rescue the children. They escape, pursued first by Jennet, and then by a mysterious shadowy creature. They learn that most of the crossings to the human world have been sealed to protect human children. Evading murderous faeries and dragons that threaten to incinerate them, they find brief sanctuary in a port city. The shadowy creature is still following them. They plan to sail north to safety, but an elf tells Olivia that there is an open crossing place nearby and she must take the children and return to the human world.  

 

Tracked by the shadowy creature, they arrive at the crossing place to find that it is sealed. They are trapped against a cliff on a high plateau above Din Guarie What is this?. Elven witches and dryads appear and demand the children. The elven witches reveal the creature that has been following Olivia. It is Olivia’s goblin saviour who is a powerful elf in disguise. Olivia feels deeply betrayed by the friend she thought had saved her life. Again, this is all confusing to me. Unable to cross back to the human world, they are forced to watch as dryads and witches fight a terrifying battle for the children.

 

The dryads are defeated and there is a lull in the spell that sealed the crossing HUH?. Aine tells Olivia that she loves her and Olivia crosses back to the human world, saving two of the children. The elven witches have stolen the youngest child. Aine has entombed herself in the crossing to prevent the witches from following Olivia.

 

Although Olivia is heartbroken, she feels stronger and braver. She vows to return to rescue Aine and the child.

 

Okay - there's a lot going on here, and I am very confused.  This is way too choppy, and bounces back and forth too much.  There's too many characters, and not enough explination.  I had no idea the whole time reading it who was good and who was bad.  There should also be more clarity as to how Olivia found this fairy world.

I also didn't get a sense of Olivia's character at all (which is hard to do in a synopsis, I know.)  But the whole time reading, it was like "Olivia goes here... and then she goes here... and then she does this..." and she just felt like a prop instead of a character.

I know the pains of trying to cram an entire fantasy world into a one-page synopsis, but there was a lot of stuff here I didn't understand.  After you've been writing a book for months or years, everything is second nature, and you don't question anything that will make other people utterly confused.  There definetly has to be more detail in here to get a feel for the world and what's happening.

Keep at it! Writing a synopsis is way harder than doing up the query.



#4 TraceyB

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Posted 12 March 2018 - 05:54 AM

I have had another go. It can only be one page long. I would be grateful to know if this is any clearer. Thank you

 

Fourteen-year-old OLIVIA has three wishes: ‘I wish I were beautiful, I wish I were brave and I wish I could have my first kiss.’ A first kiss is a big deal, especially if you live in a small rural community and are not sure if you are gay. At school, life becomes unbearable when she hears girls gossiping about her sexuality and so she tries to prove she is straight by kissing a boy.

 

Also, Olivia has a secret. She has discovered an entrance - a crossing place - into a faery world and is befriended by a beautiful dryad, AINE. Aine tells her horrifying stories of what bad faeries, such as elven witches, would do to Olivia if they found her and so she has been too scared to venture far from the crossing place.

 

Increasingly unhappy at school, Olivia escapes back to the faery world. Despite the danger, she is determined to stay there to escape the bullies at home. She is attracted to Aine and they kiss. Aine tells Olivia that she will need the protection of a powerful faery if she were to stay. Aine takes her to meet JENNET, the leader of the dryads. Aine pleads with Jennet to use her magic to protect Olivia from wicked faeries. Jennet agrees, but in return, Olivia must travel alone to rescue a child stolen from Jennet by goblins. Before leaving, Olivia catches sight of three children in Jennet’s hanging palace but doesn’t realise they are human.

 

Olivia begins her quest to the goblin city. She is shocked to discover that the ‘stolen’ child she is to rescue, is human. The goblins have a rich culture and are warm, friendly faeries. In the magical goblin library, she learns that Jennet uses the crossings to steal human children who she then trades for jewels and gold with elven witches. Olivia realises that three children she saw with Jennet must be human. She will not take the child back to Jennet because the child would be sold to the witches and so Olivia must break her vow. The kindly goblins show Olivia a crossing place that will take her safely back to the human world. But, Olivia decides to stay and rescue the children from Jennet. 

 

Olivia persuades Aine to defy Jennet and help rescue the children. Pursued by wicked elves and dryads, they escape north with the children. It is too dangerous to return to the open crossing place in the goblin city. On the perilous journey, they discover that good faeries have sealed most of the crossings to the human world to prevent child trafficking. Evading murderous faeries, they find brief sanctuary in a port city. A faery tells Olivia that they are in imminent danger and that there is an open crossing place nearby. Olivia seizes the opportunity to return the children to safety.    

 

Arriving at the crossing place, they are dismayed to find it sealed. They are ambushed by elven witches and dryads who both demand the children. A violent struggle ensues between the dryads and witches. Trapped and unable to cross back to the human world, Olivia is desperate as the faeries fight a terrifying battle for the children.

 

Finally, the elven witches defeat the dryads by entombing the dryad leader in a stone. The magic that the dryads had used to seal the crossing place is lifted and the crossing place opens.  

 

As Olivia crosses back to the human world, Aine confesses her love for her. Aine seals herself in the crossing to prevent the witches from following Olivia. At the last moment, the elven witches steal the youngest child.

 

Olivia is heartbroken. Yet her three wishes have been granted: she feels braver, more beautiful and she has become an expert kisser.

 

She vows to return to rescue Aine and the child.



#5 VSChapman

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Posted 12 March 2018 - 04:42 PM

I have had another go. It can only be one page long. I would be grateful to know if this is any clearer. Thank you

 

Fourteen-year-old OLIVIA has three wishes: ‘I wish I were beautiful, I wish I were brave and I wish I could have my first kiss.’ To be beautiful, to be brave and to be kissed. (I could be wrong but I don't think you're supposed to use dialog in a synopsis? Not sure but I think it flows better if you keep it simple.) A first kiss is a big deal, especially if you live in a small rural community and are not sure if you are gay. At school, life becomes unbearable when she hears girls gossiping about her sexuality and so she tries to prove she is straight by kissing a boy. When gossip around school about her becomes unbearable, she tries to kiss a boy to prove she is straight. 

 

Also, Olivia has a secret. She has discovered an entrance - a crossing place - into a faery world and is befriended by a beautiful dryad, AINE. Aine tells her horrifying stories of what bad faeries, such as elven witches, would do to Olivia if they found her and so she has been too scared to venture far from the crossing place.

 

Increasingly unhappy at school, Olivia escapes back to the faery world. Despite the danger, she is determined to stay there to escape the bullies at home. She is attracted to Aine and they kiss. (So this is coming across here as too much telling. I know, I do the same thing! It's really hard not to in a synopsis. But the kissing part is very dry. Seriously, I did the same thing! Maybe there is a way to add some more feeling into this attraction.) Aine tells Olivia that she will need the protection of a powerful faery if she were to stay. Aine takes her to meet JENNET, the leader of the dryads. Aine pleads with Jennet to use her magic to protect Olivia from wicked faeries. Jennet agrees, but in return, Olivia must travel alone to rescue a child stolen from Jennet by goblins. Before leaving, Olivia catches sight of three children in Jennet’s hanging palace but doesn’t realise they are human. (do the kids look like they are in trouble? Are they laughing and playing? Or staring out a window looking for someone to save them? I think a little more detail here would help us envision this)

 

Olivia begins her quest to the goblin city. She is shocked to discover that the ‘stolen’ child she is to rescue, is human. (She is surprised to learn that The goblins have a rich culture and are warm, friendly faeries. In the magical goblin library, she learns that Jennet uses the crossings to steal human children who she then trades for jewels and gold with elven witches. Olivia realises that three children she saw with Jennet must be human. She will not take the child back to Jennet because the child would be sold to the witches and so Olivia must break her vow. The kindly goblins show Olivia a crossing place that will take her safely back to the human world. But, Olivia decides to stay and rescue the children from Jennet. 

 

Olivia persuades Aine to defy Jennet and help rescue the children. Pursued by wicked elves and dryads, they escape north with the children. It is too dangerous to return to the open crossing place in the goblin city. On the perilous journey, they discover that good faeries have sealed most of the crossings to the human world to prevent child trafficking. Evading murderous faeries, they find brief sanctuary in a port city. A faery tells Olivia that they are in imminent danger (of course they are- why else would they be evading murderous fairies? ;)) and that there is an open crossing place nearby. Olivia seizes the opportunity to return the children to safety.    

 

Arriving at the crossing place, they are dismayed to find it sealed. They are ambushed by elven witches and dryads who both demand the children. A violent struggle ensues between the dryads and witches. Trapped and unable to cross back to the human world, Olivia is desperate as the faeries fight a terrifying battle for the children.

 

Finally, the elven witches defeat the dryads by entombing the dryad leader in a stone. The magic that the dryads had used to seal the crossing place is lifted and the crossing place opens.  (I'm confused on who the bad guys really are. the dyrads were with Jennett but she also worked with the elven witches. Are there no good fairies besides Aine?)

 

As Olivia crosses back to the human world, Aine confesses her love for her. Aine seals herself in the crossing to prevent the witches from following Olivia. (So, is she dead? How does she seal herself?) At the last moment, the elven witches steal the youngest child.

 

Olivia is heartbroken. Yet her three wishes have been granted: she feels braver, more beautiful and she has become an expert kisser.

 

She vows to return to rescue Aine and the child.

So, overall I think all the points are there. I think you did a good job with Olivia but I didn't feel anything about Aine at all. I highlighted some parts that were confusing. And I'm assuming this is the first of a series? Hope this helps!



#6 TraceyB

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Posted 14 March 2018 - 02:42 AM

Thank you. This helps so much. I feel very much a beginner at this but it helps so much to have a fresh pair of eyes look at the synopsis. 







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