Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo
- - - - -

The Four Ivorocono Girls


  • Please log in to reply
22 replies to this topic

#21 speedchuck

speedchuck

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 146 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Southeast

Posted 25 August 2019 - 08:06 PM

Fourteen-year-old Skye Ivorocono is always last. The last of four sisters, last to know she is being sent away, and the last hope for her dad's experiment. Her dad is obsessed with unearthing a mythical magic. He sends Skye to study at a monastery where a seer has answers to help his experiment. Skye has other plans. She hopes to defy her father and avoid the seer at any cost. Why? Is there something wrong with the magic?

 

Not only is Skye leaving, but each of her beloved sisters are separated -- in the midst of war. One sister receives a rare opportunity to pursue her singing dreams, but only if she travels east to enemy territory. Another is left home to wreak havoc as a skilled menace and thief. The oldest sister is forced to join the military to financially support the family. These are disconnected from the main plot. If you have four separate stories, should they be in the same book? This query doesn't convince me that they should be.

 

Skye's dad sees opportunity in each situation. Is this a fifth perspective? It's too much to hit each of these in the query. He has neglected them since their mother's death, but demands help finding the experiment's missing pieces. When the war starts, avoiding a mysterious seer and a failed experiment aren't the only things endangered. "Avoiding a seer" or "failed experiment" being endangered doesn't make sense, grammatically. I'm not sure what this sentence is trying to say. War, prejudices, and a deadly epidemic threaten to destroy everything. The war is present, but I don't know why. The prejudices aren't hinted at anywhere else. The deadly epidemic is like... what? Skye may never see her sisters again. Skye comes back suddenly here, but it doesn't really tie everything together.

 

An afro-centric YA low fantasy complete at 94,000 words, THE FOUR IVOROCONO GIRLS is like “Little Women” meets “The Powerpuff Girls.” It may appeal to readers who enjoy multiple POV stories like “Six of Crows.” 

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

This sounds like four or five books that exist in the same world. I don't know what the thru-line is, what the heart of the story is, and the agent might think the author doesn't either.

 

The query is meant to sell the agent on the book. Focus on the heart of the story, and not on summarizing what each POV experiences. What is the main plot? Pick a POV character, the most prominent one if you can, and tell me why they matter, what they want, and how it all ties in.

 

You have a lot in this world, and a lot of different stories that might be engaging on their own. But this is a query, and you can only sell so much. If you must, pick one girl and the father, then connect everything as soundly as you can. Good luck!



#22 fatalkiss19

fatalkiss19

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 133 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS Southwest

Posted 27 August 2019 - 12:56 AM

Okay, it has been some time, but I am back to seek feedback on draft 3! Any and all assistance is appreciated and I will return the favor by critiquing your work!

 

 

I think you need a good hook sentence in the beginning. A logline that will make the agent happy to read more.

 

Fourteen-year-old Skye Ivorocono is always last. The last of four sisters, last to know she is being sent away, and the last hope for her dad's experiment. Her dad is obsessed with unearthing a mythical magic(What is this magic and what makes him so obsessed with it?). He sends Skye to study at a monastery where a seer has answers to help his experiment.(This is a bit repetitive since we already know she's being sent away for his experiment. Maybe find another way of wording this) Skye has other plans. She hopes to defy her father and avoid the seer at any cost. (I think these sentences need to be combined.)

 

Not only is Skye leaving, but each of her beloved sisters are separated -- in the midst of war. One sister receives a rare opportunity to pursue her singing dreams, but only if she travels east to enemy territory. Another is left home to wreak havoc as a skilled menace and thief. The oldest sister is forced to join the military to financially support the family.

 

Skye's dad sees opportunity in each situation. He has neglected them since their mother's death, but demands help finding the experiment's missing pieces. When the war starts, avoiding a mysterious seer and a failed experiment aren't the only things endangered. War (War is mentioned three times, but what is this war? Who started it? How long has it been occurring?), prejudices, and a deadly epidemic threaten to destroy everything. Skye may never see her sisters again.

 

An afro-centric YA (spell out) low fantasy complete at 94,000 words, THE FOUR IVOROCONO GIRLS is like “Little Women” meets “The Powerpuff Girls.” It may will appeal to readers who enjoy multiple POV (spell out) stories like “Six of Crows.” 

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

I think you have a nice query here, just need to add a little more meat. If you have time, please take a look at my query. http://agentquerycon...porary-romance/



#23 bookgirl_kt

bookgirl_kt

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 346 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:Currently querying agents.

Posted 02 September 2019 - 12:23 AM

Here's my feedback. These are just suggestions, you can take or leave what you like!

 

Fourteen-year-old Skye Ivorocono is always last. The last of four sisters, last to know she is being sent away, and the last hope for her dad's experiment. Nice opening. Her dad is obsessed with unearthing a mythical magic. Is mythical magic redundant? He sends Skye to study at a monastery where a seer has answers to help his experiment. Skye has other plans. She hopes to defy her father and avoid the seer at any cost. Why? When you first said her dad was using her in an experiment, I pictured her as a human test subject, but all he wants is to ask a few questions. Doesn't seem worth avoiding at all costs.

 

Not only is Skye leaving, but each of her beloved sisters are separated -- in the midst of war. One sister receives a rare opportunity to pursue her singing dreams, but only if she travels east to enemy territory. Another is left home to wreak havoc as a skilled menace and thief. The oldest sister is forced to join the military to financially support the family. Are all the sisters equal protagonists? This part of the query feels like it diverges a bit from the rest. I second the feedback above that there might be too many plotlines for one query. It's okay to focus on just one protagonist in a query letter even if you have several; I've seen people do that before.

 

Skye's dad sees opportunity in each situation. He has neglected them since their mother's death, but demands help finding the experiment's missing pieces. This explains what I was asking about earlier. When the war starts, avoiding a mysterious seer and a failed experiment aren't the only things endangered. War, prejudices, and a deadly epidemic threaten to destroy everything. Could you be more specific? How does the war reach Skye in particular. Skye may never see her sisters again. Strong ending.

 

Overall, I very much liked it! I love sister stories so I'm intrigued. There's a link to mine in my signature. Good luck!

 

An afro-centric YA low fantasy complete at 94,000 words, THE FOUR IVOROCONO GIRLS is like “Little Women” meets “The Powerpuff Girls.” It may appeal to readers who enjoy multiple POV stories like “Six of Crows.” 






0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users