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QUERY: WISHMASTER (YA urban fantasy) (revised)

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#1 Casanuana

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Posted 06 March 2018 - 09:14 AM

Post six has revised query.

 

Dear (fill in name here),

 

Oriana was a normal young woman, or so she thinks. As far as she knows she went to school, had friends, a family and a future. All she really knows for sure is that she doesn't anymore.

 

The first thing she can recall is waking up in a pitch black room, sounds few and far between. She remembers the pain of her awakening and the hard crawl out of what she would come to call the well room. She reaches for a door, a sliver of light in the darkness, opens it and finds – nothing more. All she can remember is her struggle to escape that room, and so begins her desperate search for help. When help is denied her through the traditional channels, such as the police and private investigators, she follows the advice of a kind older man who cannot otherwise help her and finds her way to the town of Vergessen.

 

Once there she begins searching for the one person left who might be able to help her, a mysterious Other that she knows only by the name of 'Wishmaster'. Following a blue butterfly to an ancient gate she knocks and is thrust into a strange and magical world. There she meets Ciel, the Wishmaster, as well as his part spider assistant, Maronette, and Sephrian, the strange creature that somehow shares Ciel's soul. She makes a deal with the Wishmaster – her memories for a price undecided.

 

She stays with them, learns about them and soon is wrapped up in the fabric of their lives. As they work on her memories she finds that it is getting harder and harder to ignore her attraction to Ciel. How can she be falling in love when she doesn't even know who she is? Or what he is for that matter. All she knows is that he belongs to the world of the Others, the world of fairy tale, fable and myth made real. Can she trust her growing feelings? Can she trust, as a dark and twisted tale is revealed in her past, that Ciel will keep her safe?

 

My manuscript, Wishmaster, with an approximate word count of 71,014, is a young adult urban fantasy tale which blends the genres of mystery, fantasy and romance to create a developed and intriguing read. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

So, that is my current query letter. Any help would be appreciated and I will return the favor as best I can!

 

Thank you for your time! 


I am far from an expert but I am willing to give my opinion and share what I have learned.

 

my First 250: http://agentquerycon...sy-current-wip/

 

my Query: http://agentquerycon...antasy-revised/


#2 crestakaz

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Posted 06 March 2018 - 02:37 PM

Dear (fill in name here),

 

Oriana was a normal young woman, or so she thinks. As far as she knows she went to school, had friends, a family and a future. All she really knows for sure is that she doesn't anymore. This could work as a hook, but you need to switch things around. I would try phrasing, "Oriana was a normal young woman--she went to school, had friends, familiy, and a future. Or so she thinks.

 

The first thing she can recall is waking up in a pitch black room, sounds few and far between. She remembers the pain of her awakening and the hard crawl out of what she would come to call the well room. She reaches for a door, a sliver of light in the darkness, opens it and finds – nothing more. All she can remember is her struggle to escape that room, and so begins her desperate search for help. This is all very descriptive and imagery-based, but I don't get a sense of what's going on. You may be trying to convey that feeling of being lost, but right now, it's erring on the side of confusing. Keep it to key plot points. You can still give us that lost feeling without confusing the reader. When help is denied her through the traditional channels, such as the police and private investigators, she follows the advice of a kind older man who cannot otherwise help her (not sure why the last bit was included) and finds her way to the town of Vergessen.

 

Once there (comma) she begins searching for the one person left who might be able to help her, a mysterious Other Whats an "Other"? You haven't told us. that she knows only by the name of 'Wishmaster'. Following a blue butterfly to an ancient gate she knocks and is thrust into a strange and magical world All the butterfly and knocking stuff is fluff. Leave it out. The only plot relevant point for your query is "thrust into a strange and magical world". There she meets Ciel, the Wishmaster, as well as his part spider assistant, Maronette, and Sephrian, the strange creature that somehow shares Ciel's soul No. Too many characters and names. The only one who matters for the rest of your query is Ciel, so only use his name. I would keep the part-spider assistant and creature who shares his soul as worldbuilding only.She makes a deal with the Wishmaster don't keep referring to him as the Wishmaster once you've identified him as Ciel; it's confusing – her memories for a price undecided. This doesn't give us stakes if the price is undecided...

 

She stays with them, learns about them and soon is wrapped up in the fabric of their lives. As they work on her memories she finds that it is getting harder and harder to ignore her attraction to Ciel. How can she be falling in love when she doesn't even know who she is? Or what he is for that matter. All she knows is that he belongs to the world of the Others, the world of fairy tale, fable and myth made real. Can she trust her growing feelings? Can she trust, as a dark and twisted tale is revealed in her past, that Ciel will keep her safe? Honestly speaking, none of this belongs in the query unless it's framed as stakes. Also, avoid that many questions. You need to give us what Oriana's stakes are. In its simplest form, it's phrased as "If MC does X, then Y happens. But if they don't, Z happens". Essentially, what does she face losing/gaining if she fails/succeeds? 

 

My manuscript, Wishmaster ALL CAPS. And when querying, it's a novel, not an MS, with an approximate word count of 71,014 That's not approximate. That's exact. Round to the nearest thousand.  is a young adult urban fantasy tale which blends the genres of mystery, fantasy and romance to create a developed and intriguing read This is all telling. Your query needs to show this, which it will. And do not give your own MS praise such as, "intriguing read". The only thing you should include after telling us the name and word count is comp titles, if you have them. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

So, that is my current query letter. Any help would be appreciated and I will return the favor as best I can!

 

Thank you for your time! 

 

You have an interesting world and situation for your MC, but your query needs to better reflect this.
 

I'd highly recommend checking out Query Shark's blog. She gives a ton of useful advice and numerous examples of both good and bad queries (and how to improve them). It'll give you a better sense of what a query needs to have. Character, Situation, Stakes.

You've got something here, but it needs some work to help your MS shine through :)



#3 JRUET

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Posted 06 March 2018 - 02:48 PM

Dear (fill in name here),

 

Oriana was a normal young woman, or so she thinks Watch your tense changing- typically queries are written in present tense, but whatever works best for you, make sure you stick to it front to back. As far as she knows she went to school, had friends, a family and a future. All she really knows for sure is that she doesn't anymore. I'm super confused by this back and forth- it seems like maybe you're hinting at some kind of memory/identity loss, but in trying to make it mysterious really you've just lost me from a timeline stance. I'm not sure when/where/what is happening

 

The first thing she can recall is waking up in a pitch black room, sounds few and far between While I've read (have no person experience) that agents don't aways like the "waking up" principle, I'd consider starting here as it's crucial to your story that Oriana don't know who or where she is. She remembers the pain of her awakening and the hard word choice, I'd consider "difficult"/"exhaustive"/"strenuous"/etc crawl out of what she would come to call the well room. She reaches for a door, a sliver of light in the darkness, opens it and finds – nothing more. All she can remember is her struggle to escape that room, and so begins her desperate search for help. When help is denied her through the traditional channels this is super vague, and also, up until this point you've led me to believe she's basically floating in a world full of nothing, where exactly would she expect help to be coming from in this void?, such as the police and private investigators, she follows the advice of a kind older man who cannot otherwise help her and finds her way to the town of Vergessen. You're kind of losing me here. I don't know enough about Oriana to care that she's lost/alone/memory-less, and I'm not sure how she got from nothing to Vergessen unless she's in some kind of cellar that she escapes from, already in this town, in which case your claims of "nothing" are a bit misleading.

 

Once there she begins searching for the one person left who might be able to help her how does she know there is only one person who can help her if she's suffering from amnesia?, a mysterious Other other what? that she knows only by the name of 'Wishmaster'. Following a blue butterfly to an ancient gate she knocks and is thrust into a strange and magical world. There she meets Ciel, the Wishmaster, as well as his part spider assistant, Maronette, and Sephrian, the strange creature that somehow shares Ciel's soul whoa, you just dumped a bunch of names on me. Consider limiting it to two of the "most important" characters- i.e. Oriana and one other, maybe the Wishmaker as he seems important. I don't think it's necessary to include his name as space is of the essence. She makes a deal with the Wishmaster – her memories for a price undecided.

 

She stays with them, learns about them and soon is wrapped up in the fabric of their lives this is vague. As they work on her memories she finds that it is getting harder and harder to ignore her attraction to Ciel. How can she be falling in love when she doesn't even know who she is? Or what he is for that matter I'm not sure the fragment-thought works here. All she knows is that he belongs to the world of the Others, the world of fairy tale, fable, (I prefer an oxford comma for these types of lists) and myth made real. Can she trust her growing feelings? Can she trust, as a dark and twisted tale is revealed in her past, that Ciel will keep her safe? This word order is super confusing to me, don't split the clause- try a more direct "can she trust ciel to keep her safe as he unravels the dark, twisted tale of her past" or something

 

My manuscript, Wishmaster, with an approximate word count of 71,014 you can round to the nearest thousand and drop approximately, is a young adult urban fantasy tale which that blends the genres of mystery, fantasy and romance to create a developed and intriguing read As the writer you don't get to tell the reader to be intrigued, only the publisher gets to do that. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

So, that is my current query letter. Any help would be appreciated and I will return the favor as best I can!

 

A couple thoughts here:

1. Your descriptions bounce around a bit and it makes it difficult for me to get a picture in my mind

2. I loose a little bit because I don't know much about your MC. I think this is probably purposeful as she doesn't know herself, but it also makes it difficult for the reader to really root for her

3. Consider paring down the number of characters you introduce

4. I think on your next go-round you need to be a bit more brutal with word choice. As a former teacher I used to make my students defend their writing by asking the questions: "why this word in this place, and not a different word in another place?"

 

 

I'd love feedback on my inquiry if you are able, thanks! http://agentqueryconnect.com/index.php?/topic/38524-agents-of-balance-ya-fantasy-2nd-revision-options/#entry353945

 

 

 


#4 Emily804

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Posted 06 March 2018 - 03:11 PM

Dear (fill in name here),

 

Oriana was a normal young woman, or so she thinks. As far as she knows she went to school, had friends, a family and a future. All she really knows for sure is that she doesn't anymore.

 

The first thing she can recall is waking up in a pitch black room, sounds few and far between. Try "Oriana wakes in a pitch black room" as a hook. She remembers the pain of her awakening and the hard crawl out of what she would come to call the well room. She reaches for a door, a sliver of light in the darkness, opens it and finds – nothing more. <This is a bit too detailed for a query. All she can remember is her struggle to escape that room, and so begins her desperate search for help. When help is denied her through the traditional channels, such as the police and private investigators, she follows the advice of a kind older man who cannot otherwise help her and finds her way to the town of Vergessen.

 

Once there she begins searching for the one person left who might be able to help her, a mysterious Other that she knows only by the name of 'Wishmaster'. Following a blue butterfly to an ancient gate she knocks and is thrust into a strange and magical world. There she meets Ciel, the Wishmaster, as well as his part spider assistant, Maronette, and Sephrian, the strange creature that somehow shares Ciel's soul. She makes a deal with the Wishmaster – her memories for a price undecided.

 

She stays with them, learns about them and soon is wrapped up in the fabric of their lives. As they work on her memories she finds that it is getting harder and harder to ignore her attraction to Ciel. How can she be falling in love when she doesn't even know who she is? Or what he is for that matter. All she knows is that he belongs to the world of the Others, the world of fairy tale, fable and myth made real. Can she trust her growing feelings? Can she trust, as a dark and twisted tale is revealed in her past, that Ciel will keep her safe? <Overuse of questions.

 

My manuscript, Wishmaster, with an approximate word count of 71,014, is a young adult urban fantasy tale which blends the genres of mystery, fantasy and romance to create a developed and intriguing read. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

So, that is my current query letter. Any help would be appreciated and I will return the favor as best I can!

 

Thank you for your time! 

It seems a little on the long side. What's your word count for this? In general, you want a query to be between about 250-300 words total. 

A lot of it reads more like a synopsis than a query. 


Query Compatibility YA sci-fi: http://agentquerycon...lity-ya-sci-fi/


#5 Casanuana

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Posted 06 March 2018 - 04:41 PM

Thanks everyone! I'll go back to working on it and trying to shorten it.


I am far from an expert but I am willing to give my opinion and share what I have learned.

 

my First 250: http://agentquerycon...sy-current-wip/

 

my Query: http://agentquerycon...antasy-revised/


#6 Casanuana

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Posted 07 March 2018 - 11:53 AM

REVISED QUERY

 

Dear (fill in name here),

 

After Oriana looses her memories she must decide what else she is willing to lose in order to get them back.

 

Oriana should be living a normal teenage life, instead she is a prisoner in a strange and very dark room. She remembers the pain of her awakening and the hard crawl out of what she would come to call the well room. All she can remember is her struggle to escape that room, and so begins her desperate search for help. When help is denied her through the traditional channels, such as the police and private investigators, she follows the advice of a kind older man and finds her way to the town of Vergessen.

 

Once there, she begins searching for the one person left who might be able to help her, a mysterious Other that she knows only by the name of 'Wishmaster'. Thrust into a strange and magical world, she meets Ciel, the Wishmaster. She makes a deal with the Ciel – her memories for a price undecided, possibly her soul. All she knows of Ciel is that he belongs to the world of the Others, the world of fairy tale, fable and myth made real. If she trusts him she gets her memories back at a terrible cost. If she doesn't then she won't get her answers and won't remember who she is.

 

My novel, WISHMASTER, with an approximate word count of 71,000, is a young adult urban fantasy tale which blends mystery, fantasy and romance. Thank you for your time and consideration.


I am far from an expert but I am willing to give my opinion and share what I have learned.

 

my First 250: http://agentquerycon...sy-current-wip/

 

my Query: http://agentquerycon...antasy-revised/


#7 JRUET

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Posted 12 March 2018 - 03:56 PM

I did a little reordering to tighten things up a bit more :)

 

Oriana should be living a normal teenage life, instead she is a prisoner in a strange, and very dark room. She remembers the pain of her awakening and the hard crawl out of what she would come to call the well room. All she can remember is her struggle to escape that room, and now she must decide what else she is willing to lose in order to get them back.

 

When she crawls out of the well room she so begins her a desperate search for help. When help is denied her through the traditional channels, such as After the police and private investigator deny her, she follows the advice of a kind old man. and

 

Oriana finds her way to the town of Vergessen and begins searching for the one person left who might be able to help her, a mysterious Other that she knows only by the name of 'Wishmaster'.  Ciel, the Wishmaster is an "Other" (then tell me what that is ;). Thrust into a strange and magical world, she meets She makes a deal with the Ciel – her memories for a price undecided something about this wording is throwing me- I might change it to something like "a future favor... or possibly her soul., possibly her soul. All she knows of Ciel is that he belongs to the world of the Others, the world of fairy tale, fable and myth made real. This bit isn't particularly revealing, and if you previously cover the Others, it's not necessary, we can infer she doesn't know much about him since she just went to find him If she trusts him she gets her memories back, possibly at a terrible cost. If she doesn't then she won't get her answers and won't remember who she is.

 

My novel, WISHMASTER, with an approximate word count of is a 71,000, word is a young adult urban fantasy novel tale which blends mystery, fantasy and romance. Comparisons? Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

This is a lot better, still needs some house keeping, but you're headed in the right direction! Keep it up :)

 

I'd love feedback on my inquiry if you are able, thanks!http://agentqueryconnect.com/index.php?/topic/38524-agents-of-balance-ya-fantasy-last-revision-before-initial-inquiries/?p=353277



#8 Bibliophyl

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Posted 12 March 2018 - 04:25 PM

Hope I can be of some help!

 

After Oriana looses > loses her memories she must decide what else she is willing to lose in order to get them back. I like this opening!

 

Oriana should be living a normal teenage life, [period or semicolon here, not comma, this is 2 full sentences] instead she is a prisoner in a strange and very dark room. She remembers the pain of her awakening and the hard crawl out of what she would come to call the well room. All she can remember [the repetition of "She remembers" and "All she remembers" reads awkwardly here, maybe rephrase]  is her struggle to escape that room, and so begins her desperate search for help. When help is denied her through the traditional channels, such as the police and private investigators, she follows the advice of a kind older man and finds her way to the town of Vergessen. [is this a fantasy world or something closer to our own? Maybe a word or two of description would be good here.... "the town of Vergessen, outside NYC" or something like that to ground the reader]

 

Once there, she begins searching for the one person left who might be able to help her, a mysterious Other that she knows only by the name of 'Wishmaster'. Thrust into a strange and magical world, she meets Ciel, the Wishmaster. She makes a deal with the Ciel – her memories for a price undecided, possibly her soul. All she knows of Ciel is that he belongs to the world of the Others, the world of fairy tale, fable and myth made real. If she trusts him she gets her memories back at a terrible cost [earlier you said the price was undecided]. If she doesn't then she won't get her answers and won't remember who she is.

 

My novel, WISHMASTER, with an approximate word count of 71,000, is a young adult urban fantasy tale which blends mystery, fantasy and romance. Thank you for your time and consideration. Minor note, I've heard that urban fantasy isn't very popular at the moment because the market is oversaturated, and that a lot of people are calling it "contemporary fantasy" instead to escape an instant reject based on the genre alone. Maybe consider that?

 

This sounds interesting and I hope I could be helpful!



#9 Wayfarer

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Posted 13 March 2018 - 01:55 PM

REVISED QUERY

 

Dear (fill in name here),

 

After Oriana looses her memories she must decide what else she is willing to lose in order to get them back.

 

Oriana should be living a normal teenage life, instead she is a prisoner in a strange and very dark room. She remembers the pain of her awakening and the hard crawl out of what she would come to call the well room. All she can remember is her struggle to escape that room, and so begins her desperate search for help. When help is denied her through the traditional channels, such as the police and private investigators, she follows the advice of a kind older man and finds her way to the town of Vergessen.

 

Once there, she begins searching for the one person left who might be able to help her, a mysterious Other that she knows only by the name of 'Wishmaster'. Thrust into a strange and magical world, she meets Ciel, the Wishmaster. She makes a deal with the Ciel – her memories for a price undecided, possibly her soul. All she knows of Ciel is that he belongs to the world of the Others, the world of fairy tale, fable and myth made real. If she trusts him she gets her memories back at a terrible cost. If she doesn't then she won't get her answers and won't remember who she is.

 

My novel, WISHMASTER, with an approximate word count of 71,000, is a young adult urban fantasy tale which blends mystery, fantasy and romance. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Too synoptic. The main plot doesn't come in until the last paragraph, that needs to happen right after the hook. You just need the character, what they want, the conflict, and the stakes.



#10 ltlibrarian

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Posted 23 March 2018 - 04:00 PM

REVISED QUERY

 

Dear (fill in name here),

 

After Oriana loses her memories she must decide what else she is willing to lose in order to get them back. - seems like a solid hook, simple, intriguing

 

Oriana should be living a normal teenage life, instead she is a prisoner in a strange and very dark room. She remembers the pain of her awakening and the hard crawl out of what she would come to call the well room. All she can remember is her struggle to escape that room, and so begins her desperate search for help. When she's unable to get help is denied her through the traditional channels, such as the from the police and private investigators, she follows the advice of a kind older man and finds her way to the town of Vergessen. - I thought she was a prisoner? how did she get out to find help? how does she escape?

 

Once there, she begins searching for the one person left who might be able to help her regain her memories, a mysterious man named CielOther that she knows only better known as the by the name of 'Wishmaster'. Thrust into a strange and magical world, she meets Ciel, the Wishmaster. She makes a deal with the Ciel – her memories for a price undecided, possibly her soul. All she knows of Ciel is that he belongs to the world of the Others, the world of fairy tale, fable and myth made real. If she trusts him she gets her memories back at a terrible cost. If she doesn't then she won't get her answers and won't remember who she is. - I think the issue is that since we don't know what the cost is for her memories, it's hard to get into the stakes. they don't feel strong enough. he could just want a lock of her hair. can you reveal what it is? or otherwise focus on another set of stakes?

 

My novel, WISHMASTER, with has an approximate word count of 71,000, is a young adult urban fantasy tale which blends mystery, fantasy and romance. Thank you for your time and consideration. - as a note, it's urban fantasy if it takes place in a major city e.g. City of Bones. if it's in a small town or rural area then it's contemporary fantasy e.g. Harry Potter. if it's a made up world, then it's high fantasy e.g. A Court of Thorns and Roses. I would check on if you're in the correct genre

 

I feel like this is lacking stakes at its core. I never feel like Oriana is in any terrible position. Why does she need her memories so badly? Does she have a longing to find family? And what is this price she has to pay? For the latter, I can see how you would want to build intrigue, but if you don't have the stakes to hook the agent in, then it's not worth it. Something to think about.

 

Also, would be great to get a sense of who Oriana is as a character. What are her feelings? Personal motivations? Why is her memory so important to her?

 

Hope that helps you!


Looking for feedback on my query, will return the favour!

 

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#11 IndusiumGriseum

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Posted 23 March 2018 - 06:15 PM

REVISED QUERY

 

Dear (fill in name here),

 

After Oriana looses loses her memories (Comma) she must decide what else she is willing to lose in order to get them back.

 

Oriana should be living a normal teenage life, but instead she is a prisoner in a strange and very dark room. She remembers the pain of her awakening and the hard crawl out of what she would come to call the well room. (Do you capitalize The Well Room?) All she can remember is her struggle to escape that room, and so begins her desperate search for help. When help is denied her through the traditional channels, such as the police and private investigators, she follows the advice of a kind older man and finds her way to the town of Vergessen. (This reads like a synopsis. I think you could benefit from focusing on the beginning scene of her crawling out The Well Room and trying to find help to no avail, so that we're disoriented and terrified along with her.)

 

Once there, she begins searching for the one person left who might be able to help her, a mysterious Other (What's an Other? You never establish this at the beginning of the query) that she knows only by the name of 'Ciel the Wishmaster'. Thrust into a strange and magical world, she meets Ciel, the Wishmaster. She makes a deal with the Ciel – her memories for a price undecided, possibly her soul. (Wait, what? This implies that YOU haven't decided what she's going to give up yet, not her.) All she knows of Ciel is that he belongs to the world of the Others, the world of fairy tale, fable and myth made real. (Okay, there it is. Explain this when you first mention Others and be a little more specific about what they are and what they do.) If she trusts him she gets her memories back at a terrible cost. (What's the terrible cost?) If she doesn't (Comma) then she won't get her answers and won't remember who she is. (The way that you write this isn't very exciting. I'd put an emphasis on why getting her memories back means so much to her so that it carries more of an emotional weight. The way that this is written is kind of stating the obvious.)

 

My novel, WISHMASTER, with an approximate word count of 71,000, is a young adult urban fantasy tale which blends mystery, fantasy and romance. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Great start! In the revision, I would definitely put an emphasis on setting the scene for Oriana's awakening, and focus on your world-building. I'd also like to know more about Ciel, since the book is titled after him. I'd love to see where this goes! :)


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