Dear (fill in name here),
Oriana was a normal young woman, or so she thinks Watch your tense changing- typically queries are written in present tense, but whatever works best for you, make sure you stick to it front to back. As far as she knows she went to school, had friends, a family and a future. All she really knows for sure is that she doesn't anymore. I'm super confused by this back and forth- it seems like maybe you're hinting at some kind of memory/identity loss, but in trying to make it mysterious really you've just lost me from a timeline stance. I'm not sure when/where/what is happening
The first thing she can recall is waking up in a pitch black room, sounds few and far between While I've read (have no person experience) that agents don't aways like the "waking up" principle, I'd consider starting here as it's crucial to your story that Oriana don't know who or where she is. She remembers the pain of her awakening and the
hard word choice, I'd consider "difficult"/"exhaustive"/"strenuous"/etc crawl out of what she would come to call the well room. She reaches for a door, a sliver of light in the darkness, opens it and finds – nothing more. All she can remember is her struggle to escape that room, and so begins her desperate search for help. When help is denied her through the traditional channels this is super vague, and also, up until this point you've led me to believe she's basically floating in a world full of nothing, where exactly would she expect help to be coming from in this void?, such as the police and private investigators, she follows the advice of a kind older man who cannot otherwise help her and finds her way to the town of Vergessen. You're kind of losing me here. I don't know enough about Oriana to care that she's lost/alone/memory-less, and I'm not sure how she got from nothing to Vergessen unless she's in some kind of cellar that she escapes from, already in this town, in which case your claims of "nothing" are a bit misleading.
Once there she begins searching for the one person left who might be able to help her how does she know there is only one person who can help her if she's suffering from amnesia?, a mysterious Other other what? that she knows only by the name of 'Wishmaster'. Following a blue butterfly to an ancient gate she knocks and is thrust into a strange and magical world. There she meets Ciel, the Wishmaster, as well as his part spider assistant, Maronette, and Sephrian, the strange creature that somehow shares Ciel's soul whoa, you just dumped a bunch of names on me. Consider limiting it to two of the "most important" characters- i.e. Oriana and one other, maybe the Wishmaker as he seems important. I don't think it's necessary to include his name as space is of the essence. She makes a deal with the Wishmaster – her memories for a price undecided.
She stays with them, learns about them and soon is wrapped up in the fabric of their lives this is vague. As they work on her memories she finds that it is getting harder and harder to ignore her attraction to Ciel. How can she be falling in love when she doesn't even know who she is? Or what he is for that matter I'm not sure the fragment-thought works here. All she knows is that he belongs to the world of the Others, the world of fairy tale, fable, (I prefer an oxford comma for these types of lists) and myth made real. Can she trust her growing feelings? Can she trust, as a dark and twisted tale is revealed in her past, that Ciel will keep her safe? This word order is super confusing to me, don't split the clause- try a more direct "can she trust ciel to keep her safe as he unravels the dark, twisted tale of her past" or something
My manuscript, Wishmaster, with an approximate word count of 71,014 you can round to the nearest thousand and drop approximately, is a young adult urban fantasy tale
which that blends the genres of mystery, fantasy and romance to create a developed and intriguing read As the writer you don't get to tell the reader to be intrigued, only the publisher gets to do that. Thank you for your time and consideration.
So, that is my current query letter. Any help would be appreciated and I will return the favor as best I can!
A couple thoughts here:
1. Your descriptions bounce around a bit and it makes it difficult for me to get a picture in my mind
2. I loose a little bit because I don't know much about your MC. I think this is probably purposeful as she doesn't know herself, but it also makes it difficult for the reader to really root for her
3. Consider paring down the number of characters you introduce
4. I think on your next go-round you need to be a bit more brutal with word choice. As a former teacher I used to make my students defend their writing by asking the questions: "why this word in this place, and not a different word in another place?"
I'd love feedback on my inquiry if you are able, thanks! http://agentqueryconnect.com/index.php?/topic/38524-agents-of-balance-ya-fantasy-2nd-revision-options/#entry353945