From beautiful island colonies to the carnage of war - an epic tale of empire versus rebellion and a young man thrust into battle. This reads like publisher hype, while it might be correct and even interesting, it's best left out of your query. Young is this YA? If so it might be helpful to list an age, if not you could probably leave the descriptor out all together as to avoid confusion over genre Will Raynor joins the Navy to escape an ever-industrializing Britannica and its polluted skies this is good, I know character motivation right off the bat. He’s promised a small plot of land in exchange for two years’ service and embarks to the island of Arcadia This could probably be left out unless it's super critical to the plot, it reads as background info. Will hopes for a peaceful time sailing the high seas, but is ordered to patrol Arcadia’s vast, and perilous river system. He arrives to find Arcadia on the verge of revolution and learns the rumors back home are true: the island is plagued with savage Orcs. So I'm a little confused by setting here- is he in Britannica, Arcadia, somewhere else? Are they the same place maybe? Also, unless you're truely trying to spin this as a Lord of the Rings book (which I'd advise against as Tolkien is literally the fantasy story standard) you might want to consider giving your Orcs a different name
While sailing downriver, Will and his crew are ambushed and captured by a cunning Orc warlord.
During his imprisonment, Will learns of the coming war between the warlord Orcs seeking freedom and Britannica’s iron fisted will to rule. When Battle for control of the island begins, and Will slips away through the gun smoke and chaos as the opening shots are fired Anyone who's ever seen a film about war can visualize the scene here, save your descriptions for something we need help picturing. He must outwit bloodthirsty Orcs, persevere through thick jungle, and find his way home as he struggles to survive I'm not sure this is doing anything to help you. It's not negative, just not really adding to the story. With the help of a native native to what? cuz up until now you've lead me to believe the land is mainly inhabited by orcs, and I'm assuming she's not one... Also, where did this girl come from all of a sudden? girl named Victoria, he might just have a chance. Meanwhile, Britannica’s (control over the island crumbles to the warlord’s fury) this is somewhat confusing word order/ choice as people flee to Britannica’s last stronghold. Will is no war hero but he is determined to survive, and save those too weak to fight. Through that determination, he chooses to stand shoulder to shoulder with Britannica’s finest, and clash swords with the warlord butcher.
I graduated from the University of Waterloo with a major in both Business and History. The AGE OF EXPLORATION is a 95,000 word Historical I'm not sure you've explained the history aspect here- I don't see a glaring connection to anything in world history. Maybe, maybe a slight connection to the conquest of the Mississippi River, but it's a stretch from this query, and if that's your intension, you might want to be careful who your comparing the Orcs to... Fantasy novel and will appeal to fans of The Lord of the Rings and Game of Thrones. This story is a standalone novel with series potential.
Thank you for your time.
So I like your basis, but I'm having a bit of a difficult time seeing what sets your story apart from the actual LotR, Shannara Chronicles, etc. You started out strong with Will's motive, but then you kind of lost his characterization, leaving me feeling a bit underwhelmed as to why he's the hero/ I should root for him/ what makes him unique in a sea of amazing fantasy heroes?
Next, (feel free to disregard if you have a reason for this and/or don't like the advice) I'm a little concerned by your name choices. As previously mentioned, the Orcs obviously belong to LotR, and your main character, Will, is also the main character of the Shannara Chronicles (a LotR inspired fantasy adventure tale) second book which was recently made into a series on MTV and has gained popularity since. My concern for you is these two similarities will at best conjure images for the reader from those books as cause a comparison, (and in the nicest way possible, you probably don't want to be compared to Tolkien ;) and at worst will seem like you're ripping off ideas from other, previously established fantasy giants. Again, not having red your manuscript, I can't say if this was purposeful, so take it with a grain of salt.
Hope this helps with revisions and isn't too harsh!
I'd love feedback on my inquiry if you are able, thanks!http://agentqueryconnect.com/index.php?/topic/38524-agents-of-balance-ya-fantasy-2nd-revision-options/#entry353277