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KILLER IN HEELS (Suspense/Thriller)


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#21 CavalierdeNuit

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Posted 17 May 2018 - 03:22 PM

Thanks so much for the feedback everyone! Leave a link in your critique, and I will return the favor. Happy querying ;)

 

 

She-wolf is a nickname twenty-eight-year-old Verity Hearst earned as one of the world's highest paid assassins. She spends her free time adding to her Louboutin shoe collection, relaxing in bubble baths, and perfecting her aim. When she's told she'll have a partner on her next assignment, taking out men at the head of a billion-dollar human and drug trafficking operation, a partner sounds like a good idea. Until she meets his ego.

 

Verity's new partner Cy looks like a Greek god, and frequently checks himself out in mirrors. He thinks he's the world's greatest assassin, and Verity's instincts mean nothing to him. When they're sent to a booby-trapped island to eliminate their final target, a psychopath with kidnapped children in cages, Cy insists they use his strategy.

 

Verity knows Cy's plan will get them killed. He refuses to back down, and prepares for their mission with whiskey cocktails and a power nap. She could break the rules and kill their target on her own, but she needs Cy's help fighting off the island's guards. She'd rather step on a landmine than reason with a reckless man-child, but she has little time to weigh her options. Their target is expecting them. If they don't work together, they're not getting off the island alive, and neither are the children in cages.

 
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#22 Tanja

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Posted 18 May 2018 - 03:00 AM

I love the revision. I think it's great and I really have nothing to add besides one tiny suggestion.

 

I would put this part in em-dash

When they're sent to a booby-trapped island to eliminate their final targeta psychopath with kidnapped children in cagesCy insists they use his strategy.

 

Other than that I think you got now a nice balance between tension and voice. Good work.


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#23 MICRONESIA

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Posted 18 May 2018 - 06:38 AM

She-wolf is a nickname twenty-eight-year-old Verity Hearst earned as one of the world's highest paid assassins. She spends her free time adding to her Louboutin shoe collection, relaxing in bubble baths, and perfecting her aim. When she's told she'll have a partner on her next assignment, taking out men at the head of a billion-dollar human and drug trafficking operation, a partner sounds like a good idea. Until she meets his ego.

 

Verity's new partner Cy looks like a Greek god, and frequently checks himself out in mirrors. He thinks he's the world's greatest assassin, and Verity's instincts mean nothing to him. When they're sent to a booby-trapped island to eliminate their final target, a psychopath with kidnapped children in cages, Cy insists they use his strategy. What is his strategy? Cy still comes off as a doofus here, so this might be a way to show he's at least somewhat legit.

 

Verity knows Cy's plan will get them killed. He refuses to back down, and prepares for their mission with whiskey cocktails and a power nap. Ugh. She could break the rules and kill their target on her own, but she needs Cy's help fighting off the island's guards. She'd rather step on a landmine than reason with a reckless man-child, but she has little time to weigh her options. Their target is expecting them. If they don't work together, they're not getting off the island alive, and neither are the children in cages. This ending doesn't pop. "Cages" isn't a heavy enough word to end with. Also, I'm wondering: if all these children are trapped in effin' CAGES on an island, why doesn't the government send in an army or some shit? Why send two assassins, whose primary job is to kill? Why does it have to be THESE TWO in particular? We need to know what's at stake for Verity in particular. In other words: what's keeping her from saying, "Eh, screw this assignment. I don't need the money. Someone else can take the job. I'm going to Cancun to take bubble baths!" See what I mean? We need more of a sense of her internal arc.



#24 CavalierdeNuit

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Posted 06 August 2018 - 01:08 PM

NEWEST REVISION. Thanks everyone for your feedback!

 

She-wolf is a nickname twenty-eight-year-old Verity Hearst earned as one of the world's highest paid assassins. She spends her free time adding to her Louboutin shoe collection and relaxing in bubble baths, but lives for the pleasure of the kill. When she's told she'll have a partner on her next assignment, taking out men at the head of a billion-dollar human and drug trafficking operation, a partner sounds like a good idea. Until she meets his ego.

 

Verity's new partner Cy looks like a Greek god and knows it. He's the world's most elite assassin, and Verity's instincts mean nothing to him. When they're sent to a booby-trapped island to eliminate their final target--a pedophile with kidnapped children in cages--Cy insists they do everything his way. But Verity isn't sold on his "strategy" of simply winging it.

 

Verity knows Cy's plan will probably get them killed. He refuses to back down, and prepares for their mission with whiskey cocktails and a power nap. She could break the rules and kill their target on her own, but she needs Cy's help fighting off the island's guards. Working with Cy is the only way Verity will survive, and she sure as hell isn't letting a dangerous pedophile get away.



#25 smithgirl

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Posted 07 August 2018 - 03:49 PM


She-wolf is a nickname twenty-eight-year-old Verity Hearst earned as one of the world's highest paid assassins. She spends her free time adding to her Louboutin shoe collection and relaxing in bubble baths, but she lives for the pleasure of the kill. When she's told she'll have a partner on her next assignment, taking out men at the head of a billion-dollar human and drug trafficking operation, a partner sounds like a good idea. Until she meets his ego.

 

I'm a bit unclear why Verity would be happy to get a partner; I just have the feeling assassins like working solo. But maybe it's not a big deal. I really like the Louboutin shoes.

 

Verity's new partner comma Cy comma looks like a Greek god and knows it. He's the world's most elite assassin, and Verity's instincts mean nothing to him. When they're sent to a booby-trapped island to eliminate their final target--a pedophile with kidnapped children in cages--Cy insists they do everything his way. But Verity isn't sold on his "strategy" of simply winging it.

 

Verity knows Cy's plan will probably get them killed. He refuses to back down, and he prepares for their mission with whiskey cocktails and a power nap. She could break the rules and kill their target on her own, but she needs Cy's help fighting off the island's guards. Working with Cy is the only way Verity will survive, and she sure as hell isn't letting a dangerous pedophile get away.

 

I like your query, it has a nice voice and energy. I had only really minor comments. If you can offer any help with my own query, I'd appreciate it. Thanks! http://agentquerycon...-post-88/page-5



#26 Tyokunbo

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Posted 08 August 2018 - 01:36 PM

She-wolf is a nickname twenty-eight-year-old Verity Hearst earned as one of the world's highest paid assassins. (I like this introduction) She spends her free time adding to her Louboutin shoe collection and relaxing in bubble baths, but lives for the pleasure of the kill. When she's told she'll have a partner on her next assignment, taking out men at the head of a billion-dollar human and drug trafficking operation, a partner sounds like a good idea. Until she meets his ego.

Verity's new partner Cy looks like a Greek god and knows it. He's the world's most elite assassin, and Verity's instincts mean nothing to him. When they're sent to a booby-trapped island to eliminate their final target--a pedophile with kidnapped children in cages (This information is in the previous paragraph, and it seems stronger here. Can we not replace the one in the previous paragraph with it?) --Cy insists they do everything his way. But Verity isn't sold on his "strategy" of simply winging it.

Verity knows Cy's plan will probably get them killed. (Why will Cy's get them killed? What is Verity's alternative strategy) He refuses to back down, and prepares for their mission with whiskey cocktails and a power nap.(Is this his strategy?) She could break the rules and kill their target on her own, but she needs Cy's help fighting off the island's guards. (What is unique about the guards) Working with Cy is the only way Verity will survive, and she sure as hell isn't letting a dangerous pedophile get away.

It is an interesting query. I like the way you describe Verity and Cy. Sure, we get a glimpse of Cy's strategy, what about Verity's? Won't the agent want to know why Verity thinks her approach is superior to Cy's. And the agent may need to know why the island guards pose such a big threat to Verity going solo. The description of the characters is racy and interesting. But we need to know what Cy wants. What is her strategy?


Could you kindly review my query at #9 in the link below:

http://agentquerycon...pic/38912-kari/



#27 Tyokunbo

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Posted 08 August 2018 - 01:42 PM

Could you kindly review my query at #19 in the link below:

http://agentquerycon...pic/38912-kari/



#28 taylorhale

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Posted 09 August 2018 - 08:43 AM

 

Thanks so much for the feedback everyone! Leave a link in your critique, and I will return the favor. Happy querying ;)

 

 

She-wolf is a nickname twenty-eight-year-old Verity Hearst earned as one of the world's highest paid assassins. (Hmm, I think this could be stronger with some rewording. Twenty-eight-year-old Verity Hearst is one of the world's highest paid assassins. On the streets, she's known as She-wolf. Something like that. I just don't know about opening with "She-wolf is a nickname")She spends her free time adding to her Louboutin shoe collection, relaxing in bubble baths, and perfecting her aim. When she's told she'll have a partner on her next assignment, taking out men at the head of a billion-dollar human and drug trafficking operation, a partner sounds like a good idea. Until she meets his ego.

 

Verity's new partner Cy looks like a Greek god, and frequently checks himself out in mirrors. He thinks he's the world's greatest assassin, and Verity's instincts mean nothing to him. When they're sent to a booby-trapped island to eliminate their final target, a psychopath with kidnapped children in cages, Cy insists they use his strategy.

 

Verity knows Cy's plan will get them killed. He refuses to back down, and prepares for their mission with whiskey cocktails and a power nap. She could break the rules (here you mean go against Cy's plan, right? My only thought here is that Verity seems like a badass, so I'm peeved she's letting Cy call the shots :P but it's because she needs him to fight the guards as you go onto say, right? So here, it might be better to say something like: She could go behind Cy's back/Go against Cy's plan instead of "break the rules" so it's clearer that Verity isn't rolling over and letting Cy call the shots. You do imply that, I just think it would be stronger to make it clear rather than "break the rules", which could mean something else) and kill their target on her own, but she needs Cy's help fighting off the island's guards.She'd rather step on a landmine than reason with a reckless man-child, but she has little time to weigh her options. Their target is expecting them. If they don't work together, they're not getting off the island alive, and neither are the children in cages.

 
__

 

I think this is pretty solid overall! Just had a few little nitpicks :-) I think you're almost there!

 

Would you mind taking a look at mine if you have the chance? http://agentquerycon...it-in-dual-pov/



#29 Wayfarer

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Posted 10 August 2018 - 05:02 PM

She-wolf is a nickname twenty-eight-year-old Verity Hearst earned as one of the world's highest paid assassins. She spends her free time adding to her Louboutin shoe collection and relaxing in bubble baths, but lives for the pleasure of the kill. When she's told she'll have a partner on her next assignment, taking out men at the head of a billion-dollar human and drug trafficking operation, a partner sounds like a good idea. Until she meets his ego. (Love this end)

 

Verity's new partner Cy looks like a Greek god and knows it. He's the world's most elite assassin, and Verity's instincts mean nothing to him. When they're sent to a booby-trapped island to eliminate their final target--a pedophile with kidnapped children in cages(Saying "in cages" kind of makes it feel like a cheesy supervillain to me. "I have captured the children... AND PUT THEM IN CAGES!")--Cy insists they do everything his way. But Verity isn't sold on his "strategy" of simply winging it.

 

After Cy refuses to back down, and prepares for their mission with whiskey cocktails and a power nap, Verity must forgo her instincts and trust in her skill and that of her partner's to get the job done. But whiskey hits hard and big egos fall harder, and when [INSERT BAD THING THAT HAPPENS BECAUSE CY IS A DUMB HERE] Verity must [INSERT CHOICE/STAKES HERE].

I only had a real problem with the closing paragraph. There weren't any stakes, and you didn't go anywhere with Cy's ego actually being problematic like your foreshadowed. If it isn't actually problematic then I assume everything works out fine and the job goes smoothly, but I doubt that's what you're writing because why write a story about two idealistically clashing assassins going on a super tough job together if one of their ideologies doesn't screw them somehow. Unless of course it's Verities ideologies that fuck them, in which case you should make that a point in the query to serve as cathartic contrast for her digging Cy for his.






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