Note: I didn't not read former renditions/critiques so as to come at it fresh. If you've already addressed a point in the comments and I missed it making points here redundant, apologies :)
Red's Talent (I'd leave "talent" in lowercase, even if it's a proper noun in your novel, capitalizing it here just causes confusion) to control the energy of creation includes an inner voice
which that teaches and guides him. Unfortunately, it also never lets him forget that everyone is out to make him suffer. This is an interesting concept, but I think you need a "hookier" hook. It's too complicated a thought to grab me right off, try something more simple like "Red can control energy" (but better than my example ;)
For twelve years, Red has learned to use his Talent. When his teachers tell him that
all paranoia is unhealthy and requires treatment, he hides his inner helper I'm not sure "inner helper" is the right word choice here. even changing it to "voices in his head" or the like might be more clear. Knowing that he will never master his Talent alone, Red rebels against the voice I'm a little confused here, in two sentences you've infered he both protects and does protect his "devil on the shoulder" and unintentionally reveals it to the girl of his dreams, Sylia. She identifies it as a form of madness. To help Red realize that he's going insane, she makes him explain what the voice has taught him in exchange for keeping his secret. Red agrees, and then his inner voice pushes him into a series of events intending to prove that Red will only suffer without the wisdom of paranoia.
To survive, (Red demonstrates irrefutable proof of both his genius, and his madness.) this is the best line in your query. When the smoke clears, he has to choose between a treatment that will free him from his inner voice, or give up his dream of mastering his Talent. Aren't these the same thing? Isn't he choosing between being crazy and having a talent v/s being sane and powerless?
RED INITIATE is complete at 118k words and is an adult fantasy with series potential.
So your concept is interesting, but it's getting lost a bit.
I think on your next go-round you need to be a bit more brutal with word choice. As a former teacher I used to make my students defend their writing by asking the questions: "why this word in this place, and not a different word in another place?"
From what I understand in this query:
1. Red hears voices that help him perform "magic/science"
2. He goes to a school for "magic/science" that doesn't approve of said voice, so he hides it
3. When he needs help he turns to a girl that discovers his secret and tries to convince him to come clean (this part is a guess from me)
4. Red must to choose wether to battles psychosis or give in to it
what I don't understand is how the "voice" is controlling his "talent" and why it's a "one or the other thing", I also don't know why he would expose himself to Sylia if the "voice" that is controlling him doesn't want him to.
It's an interest mental health platform, but right now the query in bungling an interesting concept by not leading the reader toward what we're supposed to care about.
Try writing out:
1. What Red wants (to create, to use his talent, to not be crazy, something else)
2. What's in his way
3. What pushes him into action
4. What are the stakes if he fails (as well as what failure actually is)
It needs to be very clear to the reader which side we're rooting for- talent/madness or no talent/sanity.
Hope this is helpful ;)
I'd love feedback on my inquiry if you are able, thanks!http://agentqueryconnect.com/index.php?/topic/38524-agents-of-balance-ya-fantasy-last-revision-before-initial-inquiries/?p=353277