Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo
* * * * * 1 votes

RED INITIATE

Fantasy Literary Fiction Science Fiction Offbeat/Quirky

  • Please log in to reply
65 replies to this topic

#21 mkuriel

mkuriel

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 72 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:I've heard that's a thing...

Posted 14 March 2018 - 09:43 AM

I mainly just feel confused by this query. I don't feel a sense of stakes. Every sentence feels like a completely different idea and doesn't transition to the next. I think you just need to clean it up and make it flow better

 

Updated! 



#22 JDSmith

JDSmith

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 58 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, emerging
  • LocationUS West Coast
  • Publishing Experience:I have finished my first novel and am currently figuring out the publishing process in hopes to one day be published.

Posted 14 March 2018 - 01:12 PM

***Current as of 10:30 AM EDT on 14 March 18***

 

Dear [agent name],

 

After the woman he's in love he loves with heals him, Red discovers that the voice in his head is a self-aware enchantment that's driving him insane.

 

For twelve years, Red has learned to use his talent to control energy at the Mage Sanctum. When his teachers tell him that he cannot progress from Initiate to Novice because of his paranoia and performance anxiety, he panics. Red knows that his 'inner voice of wisdom,' his only true friend, risks discovery and destruction if he can't figure out how to fool his teachers. He turns to the only person he trusts, Sylia, for help. To prove the voice's existence to her, Red plans a demonstration far beyond anything he should be capable of and botches it, injuring himself. She heals him, weakening the enchantment's hold in the process. To regain control, the enchantment pushes Red into a magical meltdown, unintentionally separating further from him. Free at last, Red celebrates until two men, alerted by the weakening spell, come to kill him. This part of the query goes by too fast. I'm reading it and am suddenly thrown for a loop. I think you should explain the what the enchantment is, maybe state that Red can't identify that it is infact a self-aware enchantment. I'd say cut the back story and focus more on Red trying to impress this gal, hurting himself, and discovering that the voice in his head isn't what he thought it was. Still set up that he's at the Mage Sanctum but leave it at that.

 

To defeat this new threat, Red alters the enchantment so he can use it safely. After neutralizing the assassins, Red must still choose between proving his sanity or giving up his dream of mastering his talent at the Mage Sanctum. (I still don't feel stakes. Now I know that he solves his problems and returns to his original dilemma. Leave the bit about his sanity and giving up his dream out. The high stakes part to me is that he has an out of control enchantment and he has two dudes wanting to kill him. I want to be left hanging on whether or not he gets out alright. Maybe toss in a threat to his love for more stakes. I don't know how the story goes, but use those heartpounding aspects to affirm what's at stake for Red)

 

RED INITIATE is complete at 118k words and is an adult fantasy with series potential. This story should appeal to fans of [insert appropriate titles based on matching Agent interests or books they represent]

 

[Closing pleasantries and POC info]

Getting there! All my thoughts are above.


I'd really appreciate help with my query: Iris Mjolnir Spawn of War

 

First 250 words here: Woooo

 

Write on!


#23 mkuriel

mkuriel

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 72 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:I've heard that's a thing...

Posted 14 March 2018 - 10:07 PM

Getting there! All my thoughts are above.

Thanks! Updated. Will return the favor tomorrow. Also, I found some definitions of high fantasy and it fits based on being set in its own fictional world.



#24 PureZhar3

PureZhar3

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 385 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Midwest

Posted 15 March 2018 - 05:18 PM

***Current as of 10:30 AM EDT on 14 March 18***

 

Dear [agent name],

 

After the woman he loves heals him, Red discovers that he has a self-aware paranoia enchantment in his head that keeps assassins from discovering him. ​Intriguing! Can you cut the "woman who heals him" bit? It distracts from the interesting concept in the second clause (which I don't fully understand). You could even cut the "he discovers" bit and keep it succinct... "Red has a self-aware paranoia enchantment..."

 

For twelve years, Red has learned about spells and enchantments at the Mage Sanctum. When he hears that he’ll be tested for excessive paranoia, he fears the destruction of his ‘inner voice of wisdom.' He turns to the only person he trusts, Sylia, for help. To prove the voice's existence to her, Red plans a demonstration far beyond anything he should be capable of and botches it, injuring himself. She heals him, weakening the voice's hold in the process. To regain control, the voice pushes Red into a magical meltdown, unintentionally revealing that ​it? is in an enchantment. ​Not totally following this bit. Together, Red and Sylia figure out a way to separate Red from his artificial paranoia. ​Not completely following. I thought he wanted to keep it? Also, you might tell us how they do it, as opposed to figure out a way, because that's ambiguous as to whether or not they actually do it (they know how to separate the paranoia, but do they separate the paranoia)

 

Free at last, Red celebrates until two men show up to kill him. Unable to beat them alone, Red must discover a way to use the enchantment without going insane before the assassins burn his heart to ash. ​Intriguing but this is somewhat a jump. In some ways, I think this might be the paragraph worth expanding on. We need more info about these men without questions being raised (for example, time frame... is this seconds or days that he has) and why he must defeat them alone, etc. Otherwise the stakes seem rather small.
 

RED INITIATE is complete at 118k words and is high fantasy with series potential. This story should appeal to fans of [insert appropriate titles based on matching Agent interests or books they represent]

 

[Closing pleasantries and POC info]

 

 

-----

The query loosly matches my story, nothing a few minor edits won't fix. If you're curious, I have the synopsis up for critique as well: http://agentquerycon...-crit-for-crit/


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#25 mkuriel

mkuriel

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 72 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:I've heard that's a thing...

Posted 15 March 2018 - 07:55 PM

Good suggestions Purezhar3! Updated.



#26 Wayfarer

Wayfarer

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 244 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 16 March 2018 - 02:00 AM

When he was six, Red was enchanted with a self-aware paranoia spell to protect him. Eighteen years later, the extra mental voice is driving him insane.

 

Red trusts his inner voice of wisdom far more than he does the Masters at the Mage Sanctum. And for good reason! Far too many students die in 'accidents' after being selected for elite training. When Red hears that he’ll be tested for excessive signs of (excessive sounds weird. It makes it seem like everyone is paranoid, but there's a line that's considered TOO much paranoia. If that's the case, fine, but leave it out of the query, it's too loaded a point to break down here.) paranoia as part of his curriculum, he fears the idiotic Masters will destroy of his inner voice. Seeking help from the only person he trusts, Sylia, Red accidentally injures himself while trying to prove the voice's existence (Why would he do this if he's afraid of people finding out? This doesn't logically follow). She heals him, weakening the voice's hold (Up until now I've assumed the voice was a positive. Saying 'hold' connotes the opposite, that it's a pest and forces its 'will' onto Red. If that's the case, fine, but that needs explaining.) in the process. To regain control, (So the voice does control him? Again, this needs clarification.) the voice pushes Red into casting a spell that nearly kills him. Distracted by Red’s resulting hostility, the paranoia spell can no longer interfere with the Mage Sanctum enchantments that identify Red for the same elite training that gets students killed. (Super lost. Way too much information dumped without context.) With help from Sylia, Red separates from the inner voice. (This paragraph is all over the place. We go from the masters wanting to test for paranoia, to Red trying to, for some reason, prove his paranoia because he doesn't want it taken from him, I guess? [Which raises another issue, paranoia is not seen as a good thing in psycho-social circles. You dance between the voice being good and bad, pick one, keep the wording in reference to it consistent.] Leading to his voice taking control, or maybe it already had control? Ending in it almost killing him and separating from him, into what, an ethereal body or something?)

 

The next day, two assassins corner him. When the paranoia spell returns during the confrontation, Red accepts its help, unsure if it will be enough to save him. Even if it is, he still risks going insane. (Huh? The spell returns? It left? How does it return, like to his mind? Why would it do that?)

You need to pick a single focus for the query. I suggest Red's fight with the voice. You also really need to get the specific in-story words referencing the voice down. If it's bad, call it bad, use words like paranoia and insane. If it's good, call it good, but words like paranoia and insane do not fit then.



#27 mkuriel

mkuriel

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 72 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:I've heard that's a thing...

Posted 19 March 2018 - 04:50 PM

Thanks for the feedback, updated.



#28 Bibliophyl

Bibliophyl

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 62 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 19 March 2018 - 07:41 PM

When he was six, Red was enchanted with a self-aware paranoia spell to protect him. I'm confused by those four words--I know you don't want to bog things down with extraneous details, but you also don't want agents to be confused in your first sentence. Maybe a phrase of explanation could help. "Red was enchanted with a spell that manifests as a voice in his ear to keep him safe..." or something like that (obviously you can come up with something better, but hopefully you get where I was going) Eighteen years later, the extra mental voice is driving him insane.    

 

Red trusts his inner voice far more than he does the Masters at the Mage Sanctum. Far too many students die in 'accidents' after being selected for elite training or completely change personalities after their 'tests.' When Red hears that he’ll be tested for paranoia as part of his curriculum, he fears the Masters will destroy his inner voice. I thought he didn't like the voice? Against the voice's wishes, Red seeks help from the only student he trusts, Kylia. Thinking that she'll just report him without a reason to help him, Red accidentally injures himself while demonstrating spells that his voice has taught him. I don't understand what the relationship is between thinking she'll report him and injuring himself. She heals him, weakening the voice's connection in the process. Afterward, the voice pushes Red into casting a spell that nearly kills him and he identifies it as an enchantment. How can the voice do this if it was weakened in the previous sentence? I'd leave out the weakening since it doesn't seem relevant. Rebelling against the paranoia spell, Red forces it out of his mind. Unfortunately, he also triggers Mage Sanctum enchantments that identify him for the same elite training that gets students killed. Is Kylia essential to the query here? I'm sure she's essential to the plot, but I feel like you could cut her from the query without losing much, which would tighten things up a lot.

 

The next day, two assassins corner him. When the corporeal paranoia spell returns to protect Red, he's unsure if it actually means to help. Red must devise a way to use it to keep from being murdered without giving it a way back into his head. This is interesting--I feel like it would be a bit more powerful if the middle paragraph had more clarity. 
 

RED INITIATE is complete at 118k words and is high fantasy with series potential. This story should appeal to fans of [insert appropriate titles based on matching Agent interests and/or books they represent]

 

[Closing pleasantries and POC info]

 

I hope that was helpful! I tried mainly to focus on things that I found confusing and that could trip up an agent. I definitely think there's room to trim. Less is more :) Maybe try boiling it down to the essentials--3 or 4 sentences that establish the character, problem, what he has to do, and what he risks if he fails. Then you can build it back up again while still keeping those core elements at the forefront. Good luck!



#29 Lenny Fligham

Lenny Fligham

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 4 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 19 March 2018 - 07:48 PM

***Current as of 5:45 PM EDT on 19 March 18***

 

Dear [agent name],

 

When he was six, Red was enchanted with a self-aware paranoia spell to protect him. Eighteen years later, the extra mental voice is driving him insane.( Maybe try coming up with a different phrase other than "extra mental voice". i understand what you're trying to convey, but it takes a little extra thought, and it slows me down as a reader)  

 

Red trusts his inner voice far more than he does the Masters at the Mage Sanctum. Far too many students die in 'accidents' after being selected for elite training or completely change personalities after their 'tests.' When Red hears that he’ll be tested for paranoia as part of his curriculum, he fears the Masters will destroy his inner voice. Against the voice's wishes, Red seeks help from the only student he trusts, Kylia. Thinking that she'll just report him without a reason to help him, Red accidentally injures himself while demonstrating spells that his voice has taught him. She heals him, weakening the voice's connection in the process. (Instead of "she heals him" i think it would be clearer if you put "Kylia heals him". That section was a little confusing on first read.) Afterward, the voice pushes Red into casting a spell that nearly kills him and he identifies it as an enchantment. Rebelling against the paranoia spell, Red forces it out of his mind. Unfortunately, he also triggers Mage Sanctum enchantments that identify him for the same elite training that gets students killed. (I'd suggest you give the reader a little intro to "The Mage Sactum". I understand it's a school, but I had to piece that together in my head. It didn't read like it was told to me. I don't think you need to go into super detail about this, but since this is a fantasy type story, i think a quick sentence or two saying this is a magic school would help.)

 

The next day, two assassins corner him. When the corporeal paranoia spell returns to protect Red, he's unsure if it actually means to help. Red must devise a way to use it to keep from being murdered without giving it a way back into his head. (What exactly is this paranoia spell? Is this considered another character? Why do the Masters/ assassins want to destroy Red's inner voice? What's so important that they'd send assassins to do it? Thats what i want to know as a reader.)
 

RED INITIATE is complete at 118k words and is high fantasy with series potential. This story should appeal to fans of [insert appropriate titles based on matching Agent interests and/or books they represent]

 

[Closing pleasantries and POC info]

 

Hopefully this helps a little. Keep on writing! And Good luck!

 

 

-----

If you're curious, I have the synopsis up for critique as well: http://agentquerycon...-crit-for-crit/



#30 IndusiumGriseum

IndusiumGriseum

    Find me at: www.glanzmansensitivityreading.com

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 59 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS Southeast
  • Publishing Experience:None

Posted 20 March 2018 - 09:03 AM

***Current as of 5:45 PM EDT on 19 March 18***

 

Dear [agent name],

 

When he was six, Red was enchanted with a self-aware paranoia spell to protect him. Eighteen years later, the extra mental voice is driving him insane.    

 

Red trusts his inner voice far more than he does the Masters at the Mage Sanctum. Far too many students die in 'accidents' after being selected for elite training or completely change personalities after their 'tests.' When Red hears that he’ll be tested for paranoia as part of his curriculum, he fears the Masters will destroy his inner voice. Against the voice's wishes, Red seeks help from the only student he trusts, Kylia. Thinking that she'll just report him without a reason to help him, Red accidentally injures himself while demonstrating spells that his voice has taught him. She heals him, weakening the voice's connection in the process. Afterward, the voice pushes Red into casting a spell that nearly kills him and he identifies it as an enchantment. Rebelling against the paranoia spell, Red forces it out of his mind. Unfortunately, he also triggers Mage Sanctum enchantments that identify him for the same elite training that gets students killed. (This reads like a synopsis. You don't need to reveal everything that happens one after another. Just focus on the main plot.)

 

The next day, two assassins corner him. When the corporeal paranoia spell returns to protect Red, he's unsure if it actually means to help. Red must devise a way to use it to keep from being murdered without giving it a way back into his head.
 

RED INITIATE is complete at 118k words and is high fantasy with series potential. This story should appeal to fans of [insert appropriate titles based on matching Agent interests and/or books they represent]

 

[Closing pleasantries and POC info]

 

(I'm kind of unsure of how he feels about the voice in his head. It's clear that he doesn't want it to leave, but what's his relationship with it? If it's not important to the story, leave that bit out, though.)

 

 

-----

If you're curious, I have the synopsis up for critique as well: http://agentquerycon...-crit-for-crit/


HIRE ME AS YOUR SENSITIVITY READER!: https://www.glanzman...ityreading.com/


#31 mkuriel

mkuriel

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 72 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:I've heard that's a thing...

Posted 20 March 2018 - 07:59 PM

Updated. Thanks for the replies.



#32 PureZhar3

PureZhar3

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 385 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Midwest

Posted 20 March 2018 - 08:11 PM

***Current as of 11:15 AM EDT on 20 March 18***

 

Dear [agent name],

 

When he was six, Red was enchanted with a paranoia spell to protect him. Eighteen years later, the trusted mental voice has a mind of it'​NO APOSTROPHE (And much clearer hook!)s own.    

 

Red can ​[usually trust his inner voice​] this is redundant wording... mix it up a bit (Red follows his inner spirit of wisdom) far more than he does the Masters at the Mage Sanctum. Far too many students die after being selected for elite training or change personalities after their 'tests.' When Red hears that he’ll be tested for paranoia as part of his curriculum, he fears the Masters will destroy his inner voice from a desire to 'cure' him. After Red ignores his voice to get help beating the tests, it reveals that it is an enchantment by pushing him into casting a spell that nearly kills him ​This whole bit doesn't quite make sense to me. Do they know about his inner voice? I would suggest *if this is accurate to the story* phrasing it more as a "Afraid they will discover and pervert the inner voice" or some such thing. I also don't totally understand why it forces him to cast such a spell.... Rebelling against the paranoia spell, Red forces it out of his mind. Unfortunately, he also triggers Mage Sanctum enchantments that identify him for the same elite training that gets students killed. ​Again, don't quite follow. Maybe *if accurate to story* something more focused on "Unfortunately, this incredible feat identifies him as eligible for..."

 

The next day, two assassins corner him. When the corporeal paranoia spell returns to protect Red, he's unsure if it actually means to help. Red must devise a way to use it to keep from being murdered without giving it a way back into his head. ​Interesting. The stakes are still a bit flat, in the sense that I don't fully understand why this matters beyond the immediate moment (he dies or he doesn't, oui? there's no sense of long-term story, only a brief *straightforward but not easy* problem
 

RED INITIATE is complete at 118k words and is high fantasy with series potential. This story should appeal to fans of [insert appropriate titles based on matching Agent interests and/or books they represent]

 

[Closing pleasantries and POC info]

 

 

-----

If you're curious, I have the synopsis up for critique as well: http://agentquerycon...-crit-for-crit/

​This is getting better! Keep up the good word :)


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#33 mkuriel

mkuriel

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 72 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:I've heard that's a thing...

Posted 20 March 2018 - 10:05 PM

​This is getting better! Keep up the good word :)

Kept up! Thanks for the feedback.



#34 ltlibrarian

ltlibrarian

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 142 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationCanada

Posted 22 March 2018 - 10:55 AM

***Current as of 9:30 PM EDT on 21 March 18***

 

Dear [agent name],

 

When he was six, Red was enchanted with a paranoia spell to protect him. Eighteen years later, the trusted mental voice has a mind of its own.   - I think this is a good hook, intriguing and short

 

Red can usually trust his inner voice more than he does the Masters at the Mage Sanctum. Far too many students die after being selected for elite training or change personalities after their 'tests.' When Red hears that he’ll be tested for paranoia as part of his curriculum, he fears the Masters will detect and destroy his inner voice from a desire to 'cure' him. For the first time in his life, Red disagrees with the voice - and pushes it into revealing that it isn't his. As their inner arguments grow worse, Red identifies it as a paranoia spell and drives the energetic construct from his mind. The Masters' ensuing investigation reveals Red's aptitude for the same elite program that so often ends in fatal 'training accidents.' - I don't know what he and his voice are disagreeing about. Also, I think you should remove all the single quotes, there's so many that it feels excessive, and the reader can know that these accidents are probably not what they seem without them

 

The next day, When two assassins corner him (comma) When the now-corporeal paranoia spell returns to protect Red, but he's unsure if it actually means to help. Red must devise a way to use it to stay alive keep from being murdered - and determine who sent these mysterious assassins - all without succumbing to the will of an angry paranoia spell.
 

RED INITIATE is complete at 118k words (word count may be a tad high, agents might be more comfortable if it was 100k, as some will reject queries over that amount) and is an adult high fantasy with series potential. This story should appeal to fans of [insert appropriate titles based on matching Agent interests and/or books they represent]

 

[Closing pleasantries and POC info]

 

 

-----

If you're curious, I have the synopsis up for critique as well: http://agentquerycon...-crit-for-crit/

 

I think this query could just benefit from a bit more focus. That second paragraph feels like it has so much information and I wonder if it can be split up a bit more. I think it's because he goes from trying to protect his inner voice, to doubting it, to getting rid of it, all in one paragraph. I would suggest introducing the tasks, saying he's given reason to doubt his voice and drives it from his mind, and that lands him in the elite program. Either that, or focus entirely on the voice in his head and assassins and don't get into the school mystery. What is the heart of the story? Is it the struggle with the voice and the assassins? Or is it Red being forced into this school program? The connection between the two is uncear and I think that's what makes it feel like there's too much info.

 

Hopefully that helps out!


Looking for feedback on my query, will return the favour!

 

Website: http://ltlibrarian.com - book reviews, round-ups, quotes, writing tips, etc.

Twitter: @lunchtimelib

 


#35 mkuriel

mkuriel

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 72 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:I've heard that's a thing...

Posted 22 March 2018 - 03:00 PM

Okay, I focused. Thanks for the feedback... starting to feel like it's almost done.



#36 PureZhar3

PureZhar3

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 385 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Midwest

Posted 25 March 2018 - 04:37 PM

***Current as of 10:00 PM EDT on 24 March 18***

 

Dear [agent name]

 

When he was six, Red was enchanted with a paranoia spell to protect him. Eighteen years later, he casts the extra mental voice out of his head and the spell might kill him on the way back in. ​If I didn't know what you meant here, I wouldn't know what you meant here ;) (aka this could be confusing to new readers)

 

Red knows ​the paranoia charm as a wise inner voice that always tells him the right thing to say. Whether begging for food to survive or convincing the Masters at the Mage Sanctum that he’s only average – the voice provides the words. And Red trusts. ​combine these two? Until, that is, the Masters tell him that he’s paranoid and will have to ​he must take a test that will ensure his mental stability. Only the voice doesn’t know a way to beat the test and tells Red not to ask for help ​(?). For the first time in his life, Red not only disagrees, but disobeys. He rebels against the wisdom of paranoia, beginning a series of events that reveal that his voice is an enchantment. After Red forces it from his mind, it takes physical shape and chases him. ​rephrase this. it sounds... childish

 

Free from paranoia, Red gets help that he never could have accepted before. He just isn't sure if it's enough to stop the dangerous spell. ​this could be stronger

 

RED INITIATE is complete at 118k words and is high fantasy with series potential. This story should appeal to fans of [insert appropriate titles based on matching Agent interests and/or books they represent]

 

[Closing pleasantries and POC info]

 

 

-----

If you're curious, I have the synopsis up for critique as well: http://agentquerycon...-crit-for-crit/

​Better :) Be careful of how many "that"s are frequenting your query (it might be worth checking the frequency of the word in your MS too...)


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#37 Oldborne

Oldborne

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 45 posts
  • Literary Status:self-published, unagented
  • LocationUnited Kingdom

Posted 27 March 2018 - 01:14 AM

Haven't read the other feedback so this is fresh eyes. 

Dear [agent name],

 

When he was six, Red was enchanted with a paranoia spell to protect him Protect him from what?. Eighteen years later, he knows it as an inner voice whose paranoid advice never fails. Interesting set-up, I really enjoy the idea of a neurotic 'protector' character.    

 

Whether begging for food to survive or convincing the Masters at the Mage Sanctum that he’s only average why would he need to do that? – the voice provides the words. And Red trusts it until the Masters decide he must take a test to ensure his mental stability Is this test common/ routine or did they notice Red chatting to himself?. A test known to change people's personalities. Only the voice is this voice a named character within the book? If he is I'd name him in the query can't determine a way to beat the test and forbids Red to ask for help why does he forbid Red?. For the first time in his life, Red not only disagrees, but disobeys. Rebelling against the voice of wisdom, Red triggers a series of events that force it from his mind. Nice. 

 

When the spell returns physically, it's determined to save Red from himself So I get what you were going for here, but it reads a little awkwardly. Maybe something like "when the spell manifests within reality..." that's still awkward but a little clearer. Play with it . Accepting help he never could before little vague, accepting help from who? , Red must race to alter or destroy the enchantment before it kills him. Good stakes but I'm not sure why the enchantment is now trying to kill him instead of save. I'm assuming the enchantment thinks its trying to save Red but is doing more harm than good? 

 

RED INITIATE is complete at 118k words and blends high fantasy with science fiction in a way similar to both The Name of the Wind and Stranger in a Strange Land. I have a background in engineering and explain the magic in RED INITIATE as applied physics - making Red the equivalent of a student engineer.  

 

[Closing pleasantries and POC info]

Really love the idea behind this query, sounds like an awesome book. I feel like your query gets a little vague in places and raised a lot of questions for me but its tight plot wise. As with SFF, the world building part of the query is (in my opinion) always the hardest but I think you're close to final version.  

Best of luck with this! Hope I've helped. 

 


All feedback appreciated: http://agentquerycon...ust-sf-mystery/

 


#38 SnowFox23

SnowFox23

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 170 posts
  • Literary Status:self-published, in-between agents
  • LocationAustralia/New Zealand

Posted 27 March 2018 - 06:39 AM

Hello! I am a new reader, so I'll tell you what my fresh eyes see :)

 

When he was six, Red was enchanted with a paranoia spell to protect him. Eighteen years later, he casts the extra mental voice out of his head and the spell might kill him on the way back in. 

oh dear, I don't fully understand what you mean by this. What is a paranoia spell? Don't make me google it. Okay, I googled it and unfortunately I still don't understand.

 

Red knows ​the paranoia charm as a wise inner voice that always tells him the right thing to say. Whether begging for food to survive or convincing the Masters at the Mage Sanctum that he’s only average – the voice provides the words. And Red trusts. Until, that is, the Masters tell him that he’s paranoid and will have to ​he must take a test that will ensure his mental stability. Only the voice doesn’t know a way to beat the test and tells Red not to ask for help For the first time in his life, Red not only disagrees, but disobeys. He rebels against the wisdom of paranoia, beginning a series of events that reveal that his voice is an enchantment. After Red forces it from his mind, it takes physical shape and chases him. 

 

Free from paranoia, Red gets help that he never could have accepted before. He just isn't sure if it's enough to stop the dangerous spell. 

 

RED INITIATE is complete at 118k words and is high fantasy with series potential. This story should appeal to fans of [insert appropriate titles based on matching Agent interests and/or books they represent]

 

Oh dear, unfortunately I am lost. Without knowing with a paranoia spell is (and google did not help), I really can't understand what's happening and why. I know queries suck, believe me, but you might have to full explain what is going on, because if I'm confused then someone else is going to be.



#39 mkuriel

mkuriel

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 72 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:I've heard that's a thing...

Posted 27 March 2018 - 03:02 PM

Hello! I am a new reader, so I'll tell you what my fresh eyes see :)

 

When he was six, Red was enchanted with a paranoia spell to protect him. Eighteen years later, he casts the extra mental voice out of his head and the spell might kill him on the way back in. 

oh dear, I don't fully understand what you mean by this. What is a paranoia spell? Don't make me google it. Okay, I googled it and unfortunately I still don't understand.

 

Red knows ​the paranoia charm as a wise inner voice that always tells him the right thing to say. Whether begging for food to survive or convincing the Masters at the Mage Sanctum that he’s only average – the voice provides the words. And Red trusts. Until, that is, the Masters tell him that he’s paranoid and will have to ​he must take a test that will ensure his mental stability. Only the voice doesn’t know a way to beat the test and tells Red not to ask for help For the first time in his life, Red not only disagrees, but disobeys. He rebels against the wisdom of paranoia, beginning a series of events that reveal that his voice is an enchantment. After Red forces it from his mind, it takes physical shape and chases him. 

 

Free from paranoia, Red gets help that he never could have accepted before. He just isn't sure if it's enough to stop the dangerous spell. 

 

RED INITIATE is complete at 118k words and is high fantasy with series potential. This story should appeal to fans of [insert appropriate titles based on matching Agent interests and/or books they represent]

 

Oh dear, unfortunately I am lost. Without knowing with a paranoia spell is (and google did not help), I really can't understand what's happening and why. I know queries suck, believe me, but you might have to full explain what is going on, because if I'm confused then someone else is going to be.

 

Thanks for the feedback... just so it's clear, the most recent version is in the first post along with the date and time of revision.

As to what a paranoia spell is... I'm afraid I need to rely on reader experience with Science Fiction/Fantasy, and magic systems, to put together that it's 'a magical inception of the certainty that everyone is out to get you' (Inception, as in, the meaning given by the movie of the same name). Only in this case, it isn't a subconscious inception, rather a constant voice in his head... and more besides.



#40 mkuriel

mkuriel

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 72 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:I've heard that's a thing...

Posted 27 March 2018 - 03:03 PM

[Closing pleasantries and POC info]

Really love the idea behind this query, sounds like an awesome book. I feel like your query gets a little vague in places and raised a lot of questions for me but its tight plot wise. As with SFF, the world building part of the query is (in my opinion) always the hardest but I think you're close to final version.  

Best of luck with this! Hope I've helped. 

 

 

Thanks! That is helpful. Update posted.







Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: Fantasy, Literary Fiction, Science Fiction, Offbeat/Quirky

0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users