***Current as of 12:00 AM EDT on 14 April 18. Newest revision in post #1.***
Dear [agent name],
Another vomit all over the teacher that already thinks Red's crazy. Thank you, Wisdom.
For the past twelve years, whenever Red comes close to revealing more skill than an average Initiate at the Mage Sanctum, his arms start itching. He shakes. And then Red vomits all over his teacher before the idiot finishes casting a protective ward. Wisdom times it perfectly every time.
That's Red's best friend. Sometimes it sounds like a mewling cat. Yes, it. IT is Red's second mental voice. Or Inner Voice of Wisdom, depending on Red's mood and the volume of the whine.
Wind and rain! Red's not supposed to talk about IT. He must because the Sanctum Masters test everyone for mental stability and Wisdom might not survive. Seriously, the test turns interesting people into well-adjusted, complacent idiots.
But Wisdom won't let him ask for help. And the last time Red ignored Wisdom he was trapped by a sexual predator. The best part of the following week was being locked in a cage...
Red would rather nearly freeze to death in a rainstorm... again... than think about that. But he has to because he's going to ignore Wisdom for the second time.
He will save his friend. No matter the consequences.
RED INITIATE is complete at 118k words and would appeal to fans of the Magicians and The Wise Man's Fear.
[Closing pleasantries and POC info]
Preface: I read your most recent query as of this morning (April 14) and I wasn’t feeling it. I think this version is MUCH better and you just need to make it more concise and tweak a few things. This is my opinion of course, so see what others say as well. (And thank you again for providing comments on my own query!)
Dear [agent name],
Red needs to save his best friend. The only trouble is that it's an extra voice in his head called Wisdom. Good.
Red's earliest memory is of waking up alone in an alley when he was six. No one would help him - in fact, the destitute people he met abused him until Wisdom started explaining things to him. For six years, Wisdom kept him alive. It told him where to go to survive the harsh winter storms. It taught him to steal food, fight, and placate stronger street kids. (I agree with Teatime on this part. Make this more concise in the exact way he rewrote this part for you) The one time Red didn't listen, he was locked in a cage by a sexual predator. GOOD. To escape, his best friend taught him to use his Talent to control Elemental energy.
But that was all before Red was accepted to the Mage Sanctum to learn to use his Talent. He entered as an Initiate twelve years ago and Wisdom never let him trust anyone. Nearing his coming of age and the end of his Initiate studies, Red must pass tests to advance to Novice. One of those tests will ensure Red's mental stability. After all, most people have a Talent and the last time a mentally unstable person rose to power, half the population died. Red doesn't care. (Not sure what this is referring to exactly? Red doesn’t care that half the population died or what exactly? Either way, I think this makes Red sound a little cold and it would put me off from his character, so I suggest deleting it.) Wisdom keeps him safe and teaches him.
Only neither Red nor Wisdom know if it (I don’t like how “it” sounds here. Might want to change this.) can survive the Sanctum's test.
For the second time in his life (I agree with Teatime about this), Red disagrees with Wisdom about what to do. In retaliation, Wisdom makes Red cast a spell that nearly kills him, revealing that it exists separately from him. Now Red has to determine if he can live without his best friend or find a way to coexist that won't threaten his sanity. VERY GOOD last sentence.
RED INITIATE is complete at 118k words and would appeal to fans of The Name of the Wind for it's blending of science fiction and fantasy themes in a new world. It would also resonate with fans of the Magicians for it's adult themes and the expansion of the idea that, "A great Magician is Magic." But the people in the story don't even have a word in their language for magic - it's all energy and physics. I have a background in engineering, which is applied physics.