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#21 Springfield

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Posted 27 March 2018 - 05:22 PM

UPDATED!!!!!!!

 

Hello lovely people,

 

I revised and edited a lot of my original query, and this is the new one. I will happily look at yours if you look at mine...that sounded weird. You know what I mean. I'm tired.

 

 

Few people visit the Kingdom of Nightling. Those that who do rarely return home. Nightling is cursed with eternal winter and if the cold does not kill you, then the Queen no cap gladly will.This isn't bad, but I think you can merge it into the latter half of the next, though the next needs a bit of revision as the 'cruelty' is unclear, esp as she's the queen.

 

After enduring seventeen years of cruelty from human beings, the mute Queen Lux has banished everyone but her animals from her Kingdom. Alone in the dark, Lux’s life is made bearable because of her beloved wolf, Leod, who showed her what love was. And her cherished crow, Avalon, who taught her sign-language no hyphen and... I'll bite, how in the heck did an animal with no hands teach her sign language? and interprets for her when visitors come knocking.

 

When Leod and Avalon go missing, Lux finds a note pinned to her castle door: If you do not leave Nightling by morning, I will kill the wolf and crow.

 

For Lux, a lifetime spent in darkness Also, um, why does someone who spends her life in the dark want or need sign? is far easier than having to leave Nightling and navigate a new world without a voice to help her through. And when she finds out that Leod and Avalon are being held in the dungeons of the Lannox Kingdom, she knows that leaving to find them means risking the same fate as her animals. She did find them. I'm confused.

 

But if she does not leave Nightling, she will spend a lifetime in a cursed Kingdom of darkness without the crow who has her voice but she knows sign..., and the wolf who has her heart.

 

THE WOLF, THE CROW AND THE QUEEN is a Young Adult Fantasy novel, complete at 70,000 words. It is a fairy tale with dirt under its fingernails. And is a mix of Three Dark Crowns and Born Wicked.

 

I am from Melbourne, Australia and I am studying a B.A in Communications, majoring in Journalism. I also make small talk with strangers so I can pat their dogs.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

 

First time I've looked at this since the original -- so her problem is sort of clear, still, but her circumstances bring up too many questions (you don't need to answer every question; it's often better to remove the need for someone to ask any than to try to pack in explanations), and I'm not sure of the stakes.



#22 SnowFox23

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Posted 03 April 2018 - 01:29 AM

Updated again, please see page 1.



#23 Cesar Montufar

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Posted 04 April 2018 - 08:27 AM

When the King kills himself in his throne (feels like this is missing something; "in" his throne? Meaning while sitting on it?), he leaves behind his mute daughter, Lux, who inherits the cursed Kingdom of Nightling. In Nightling, the sun never shines, the snow never stops falling and the vagrants who seek refuge are soon driven mad by the cold that never ceases and the darkness that never ends.This prompts a lot of questions; not necessarily the good kind. Why would the vagrants want to go there? How does anyone/anything survive (as in, what do they eat and how do they stay warm)? Who builds a kingdom in a place like that?

 

After seventeen years of ill-treatment by her vicious father and traitorous (why traitorous?) vagrants, Lux has banished everyone from her Kingdom (why did anyone want to stay?), and Nightling is empty of everything except her, and her beloved animals.

 

Alone in the dark, Lux’s life is made bearable because of her adoring wolf Leod, who showed her what love was (this phrase has connotations that really don't work here). And her cherished crow, Avalon who taught her sign-language (how?), and interprets for her when vagrants come knocking.

 

When Leod and Avalon go missing, Lux finds a note pinned to her castle door: If you do not leave Nightling by morning, I will kill the wolf and crow. (Without an understand of what anyone could possibly want with the place, this feels forced for the sake of having a plot.)

 

For Lux, a lifetime spent in darkness is far easier than having to step outside and face the light for the first time. But when she finds out that Leod and Avalon are being held in the dungeons of the Lannox Kingdom, she knows that leaving to find them means risking the same fate as her animals.

 

But if she does not leave, she will spend a lifetime in a cursed Kingdom of darkness without the crow who has her voice (interesting phrase, but it falls apart the moment you think about it because you never gave us the impression the crow could talk), and the wolf who has her heart.

 

THE WOLF, THE CROW AND THE QUEEN is a Young Adult Fantasy novel, complete at 70,000 words. It is a fairy tale with dirt under its fingernails. And is a mix of Three Dark Crowns and Born Wicked.

 

I am from Melbourne, Australia and I am studying a B.A in Communications, majoring in Journalism. I also make small talk with strangers so I can pat their dogs.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

 

 

The query prompts the kinds of questions that make me feel like this story is going to be riddled with plot holes. I can buy the idea of a cursed kingdom where the conditions are miserable and the people can't leave, but not where the conditions are miserable, and people are fleeing TO the place. And, if it never stops snowing, where does the snow go? How does anyone make it to the front door through all the never ending snow? Then, if the sun never shines, how does anyone eat? Where does the food come from? 

 

The premise is something that could be interesting, but I can't get past all the logistical problems. 

 

I think if you manage to make it clear what this kingdom has that anyone would want, then you clear up a lot of the problem. 

 

Best of luck to you!



#24 A. Wass

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Posted 04 April 2018 - 08:46 AM

UPDATED AGAIN.

 

 

 

 

The Kingdom of Nightling(Cool name!) is cursed with eternal winter, and if the cold does not kill you, then the Queen gladly will. (Ominous hook. I like it.)

 

After enduring seventeen years of cruelty from human beings, the mute Queen Lux has banished everyone but her animals from her Kingdom. Alone in the dark, Lux’s life is made bearable because of her beloved wolf, Leod, who accepted and loved her when no one else would. And her cherished crow, Avalon, who taught her sign-language and interprets for her when visitors come knocking.

 

When Leod and Avalon go missing, Lux finds a note pinned to her castle door: If you do not leave Nightling by morning, I will kill the wolf and crow.

 

For Lux, a lifetime spent in darkness (Suggessted rewrite: For Lux, spending a lifetime in darkness...) is far easier than having to leave Nightling and navigate a new world without a voice to help her through. And when she finds out that Leod and Avalon are awaiting execution in the dungeons of the Lannox Kingdom, she knows that leaving to find them means risking the same fate as her animals.  (The way this paragraph is worded confuses me. It might just be too wordy.)

 

But if she does not leave Nightling, she will spend a lifetime in a cursed Kingdom of darkness without the crow who has her voice, and the wolf who has her heart.

 

THE WOLF, THE CROW AND THE QUEEN is a Young Adult Fantasy novel, complete at 70,000 words. It is a fairy tale with dirt under its fingernails. (I don't know how I feel about this dirt under the nails thing. Not sure what that means.) And is a mix of Three Dark Crowns and Born Wicked.

 

I am from Melbourne, Australia and I am studying a B.A in Communications, majoring in Journalism. I also make small talk with strangers so I can pat their dogs. (This last sentence is funny, but could be a risk in a query. Some agents may find it funny and others may find it unnecessary.)

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

 

I think this is a good general outline of a query but it could use a bit of a punch. You lay out the problem well, that her animals she depends on get taken, but I don't get a sense of urgency. I don't feel the stakes of what will happen if she doesn't get them back. It falls flat to me. You have a very interesting idea here, and if you find a way to make that show more in the query I know you'll have a good run querying. Good luck!



#25 PureZhar3

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Posted 04 April 2018 - 08:57 AM

I would agree with the comments of A. Wass. I would also caution starting sentences with compounds "And..." too frequently (particularly in the section about book information, as opposed to the synopsis bit)


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#26 kleblanc13

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Posted 04 April 2018 - 02:58 PM

UPDATED AGAIN.

 

 

 

 

The Kingdom of Nightling is cursed with eternal winter, and if the cold does not kill you, then the Queen gladly will.

 

After enduring seventeen years of cruelty from human beings, the mute Queen Lux has banished everyone but her animals from her Kingdom. Alone in the dark (so winter = darkness? A little confused by that), Lux’s life is made bearable because of her beloved wolf, Leod, who accepted and loved her when no one else would. And her cherished crow, Avalon, who taught her sign-language and interprets for her when visitors come knocking.

 

When Leod and Avalon go missing, Lux finds a note pinned to her castle door: If you do not leave Nightling by morning, I will kill the wolf and crow (Feels very unclear why anyone would kidnap her animals just to force her to leave an empty and cursed land. I can't possibly see the incentive for that from your query).

 

For Lux, a lifetime spent in darkness is far easier than having to leave Nightling and navigate a new world without a voice to help her through. And when she finds out that Leod and Avalon are awaiting execution in the dungeons of the Lannox Kingdom, she knows that leaving to find them means risking the same fate as her animals (Again, I'm a little confused by the plot of the story. The Lannox Kingdom is presumably who left the note? So they tell her to leave or they'll kill her animals. But if she does leave, they might do it anyways, and kill her? What's the motive?)

 

But if she does not leave Nightling, she will spend a lifetime in a cursed Kingdom of darkness (again, you start by saying its the cold that will kill you but then you continually emphasize the darkness. If it's cold and dark, the darkness should probably be mentioned in the hook) without the crow who has her voice, and the wolf who has her heart.

 

THE WOLF, THE CROW AND THE QUEEN is a Young Adult Fantasy novel, complete at 70,000 words. It is a fairy tale with dirt under its fingernails. And is a mix of Three Dark Crowns and Born Wicked.

 

I am from Melbourne, Australia and I am studying a B.A in Communications, majoring in Journalism. I also make small talk with strangers so I can pat their dogs (I have no idea how agents would feel about this last line, but it made me chuckle).

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

This seems like a cool story idea but right now I'm a little confused about the goals of the antagonist / why they should even care about Queen Lux and her empty / dark / cold / cursed lands. Either you've left something important out of the query or the storyline itself might need some rethinking. Thanks for commenting on my query and I hope you find these comments helpful.

 



#27 galian84

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Posted 04 April 2018 - 09:32 PM

UPDATED AGAIN.

 

 

 

 

The Kingdom of Nightling is cursed with eternal winter, and if the cold does not kill you, then the Queen gladly will. (Oof, I like this. I want to know more)

 

After enduring seventeen years of cruelty from human beings, the mute Queen Lux has banished everyone but her animals from her Kingdom. Alone in the dark, Lux’s life is made bearable because of her beloved wolf, Leod, who accepted and loved her when no one else would. And her cherished crow, Avalon, who taught her sign-language and interprets for her when visitors come knocking. (This whole paragraph is backstory, and I feel like this could be condensed, and/or tacked into later paragraphs or sentences, when explanation is needed. I have to echo another critter here, how does a bird teach sign language? And why would she need sign language if she lives in the dark?)

 

When Leod and Avalon go missing, Lux finds a note pinned to her castle door: If you do not leave Nightling by morning, I will kill the wolf and crow. (Oohh. I feel like THIS is the meat of your story, and where your query should start)

 

For Lux, a lifetime spent in darkness is far easier than having to leave Nightling and navigate a new world without a voice to help her through. And But when she finds out that Leod and Avalon are awaiting execution in the dungeons of the Lannox Kingdom (now, this begs the question. Where is the Lannox Kingdom and why do they want to execute her precious animals? I think a little more explanation is needed here. Do they want to use her animals to get to her? If so, why?), she knows that leaving to find them means risking the same fate as her animals. (Wait, so she could die if she goes to find them?)  

 

But if she does not leave Nightling, she will spend a lifetime in a cursed Kingdom of darkness without the crow who has her voice, and the wolf who has her heart. (So she'll wind up being alone if she doesn't live. Clear stakes, I get it)

 

THE WOLF, THE CROW AND THE QUEEN is a Young Adult Fantasy novel, complete at 70,000 words. It is a fairy tale with dirt under its fingernails (I know other critters have mentioned this, but I'm not sure what this means, exactly). And is a mix of Three Dark Crowns and Born Wicked. (I haven't read either of these books so unfortunately I can't comment on your comps)

 

I am from Melbourne, Australia and I am studying a B.A in Communications, majoring in Journalism. I also make small talk with strangers so I can pat their dogs. (This is totally something I would do, too!)

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Hi there, Snow! Fresh eyes here. I briefly looked through your previous versions and crits, I like your concept, a lot, and love the idea of a queen with only animals for company (being an animal lover, myself). Even though I get the gist of what's going on, I still feel like your query starts in the wrong place, and some parts could use a little expanding on. 

 

Good luck! You have an interesting idea. I'd read this, even though I don't read much YA :)



#28 Oldborne

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Posted 06 April 2018 - 01:19 AM

UPDATED AGAIN.

 

 

 

 

The Kingdom of Nightling is cursed with eternal winter, and if the cold does not kill you, then the Queen gladly will. I remember this being several sentences in the last version. Nicely condensed, a good hook. 

 

After enduring seventeen years of cruelty from human beings, the mute Queen Lux has banished everyone but her animals from her Kingdom. Alone in the dark So eternal winter doesn't mean eternal night -- maybe you could say alone in the cold?, Lux’s life is made bearable because of thanks to her beloved wolf, Leod, who accepted and loved her when no one else would. And her cherished crow, Avalon, who taught her sign-language and interprets for her when visitors come knocking. This has the same problems as the previous version in the sense that I still don't know if Lux is human or not. 

 

When Leod and Avalon go missing, Lux finds a note pinned to her castle door: If you do not leave Nightling by morning, I will kill the wolf and crow. Good.

 

For Lux, a lifetime spent in darkness Again, don't know where the darkness is coming from is far easier than having to leave Nightling and navigate a new world without a voice to help her through. And when she finds out that Leod and Avalon are awaiting execution in the dungeons of the Lannox Kingdom, she knows that leaving to find them means risking the same fate as her animals. I had the same problem in the previous version of not knowing what the Lannox Kingdom is or why they're bad or why they're doing.   

 

But if she does not leave Nightling, she will spend a lifetime in a cursed Kingdom of darkness without the crow who has her voice, and the wolf who has her heart.  

 

THE WOLF, THE CROW AND THE QUEEN is a Young Adult Fantasy novel, complete at 70,000 words. It is a fairy tale with dirt under its fingernails. And is a mix of Three Dark Crowns and Born Wicked. Include the author names. 

 

I am from Melbourne, Australia and I am studying a B.A in Communications, majoring in Journalism. I also make small talk with strangers so I can pat their dogs.  

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

I think my two biggest issues from the last version are still present in this one. Is Lux a human? Why is the Lannox Kingdom doing what it's doing?

I think if you cleared those two issues up you'd be most of the way there. The rest is just tightening, really. You have some pretty cool lines (especially the first) that will grab an agent's attention and you sell the query on some pretty solid stakes. 

You're almost there!

Best of luck. 

 


All feedback appreciated: http://agentquerycon...ust-sf-mystery/

 


#29 Sataris

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Posted 06 April 2018 - 07:30 PM

UPDATED AGAIN.

 

 

 

 

The Kingdom of Nightling is cursed with eternal winter, and if the cold does not kill you, then the Queen gladly will.

 

After enduring seventeen years of cruelty from at the hands of human beings at first glance this seems to imply she isn't human, the mute Queen Lux has banished everyone but her animals from her Kingdom. Alone in the dark, Lux’s life is made bearable because of her slightly awkward beloved wolf, Leod, who accepted and loved her when no one else would. And maybe make these last two one sentence, otherwise this second part loses oomph her cherished crow, Avalon, who taught her sign-language and interprets for her when visitors come knocking. it seems like this is saying he interprets what other people are saying for her, when i think what you mean is that he speaks for her

 

When Leod and Avalon go missing, Lux finds a note pinned to her castle door: If you do not leave Nightling by morning, I will kill the wolf and crow.

 

For Lux, a lifetime spent in darkness is far easier than having to leave Nightling and navigate a new world without a voice to help her through. And when she finds out that Leod and Avalon are awaiting execution in the dungeons of the Lannox Kingdom, she knows that leaving to find them means risking the same fate as her animals.

 

 

But if she does not leave Nightling, she will spend a lifetime in a cursed Kingdom of darkness without the crow who has her voice, and the wolf who has her heart. this kind of conflicts with/repeats your earlier sentence about how it's easier for her to just life in darkness

 

THE WOLF, THE CROW AND THE QUEEN is a Young Adult Fantasy novel, complete at 70,000 words. It is a fairy tale with dirt under its fingernails. And is a mix of Three Dark Crowns and Born Wicked. what specific elements are similar? the voice, the magic, the themes of X and Y?

 

I am from Melbourne, Australia and I am studying a B.A in Communications, majoring in Journalism. I also make small talk with strangers so I can pat their dogs.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Hi SnowFox, I think your query is pretty clear overall, notes aside. My issue right now is that the language isn't really popping at the moment - we don't get a good idea of what the Queen's voice is, which is so key in YA. i like the fingernail detail, though i think your query should illustrate that itself - can you incorporate that sort of tone into your query here? Might help it shy away from how it's sounding a little like middle grade at the moment. Hope that was helpful, best of luck.


No current query.





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