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KILLER IN HEELS (Suspense/Thriller)


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#1 CavalierdeNuit

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Posted 08 March 2018 - 06:16 PM

The beginning of the first chapter for you to rip apart. Thanks!

 

CHAPTER 1

I was binge watching season three of Fargo when I got the call from my burner phone that hadn't rung in five months. I kept it behind a skull bookend inside a bookcase built into my apartment wall. If I pushed the bookcase, I imagined I would enter a secret passage that led down to a gothic nightclub.

I leaped off my sofa, took a running start, and slid across my shiny marble floor to the bookcase. I'd practiced my Risky Business slide for this day a thousand times. And I just so happened to be wearing an oversized pink oxford shirt with a pair of white cashmere socks.

"At your service," I said into the flip phone, my heart pounding.

"Verity," said the man on the other end. It was my manager Enoch.

"Speaking," I said.

"I apologize this call has taken so long. How are you?" His voice echoed. I heard splashes and voices echoing in the background. He was near an indoor swimming pool that could have been anywhere. I seldom knew his location when he called.

"Happy to be keeping up appearances." I ran my fingers through my long dark brown hair.

He chuckled. "How is the flower shop? Do you still like the location on Melrose?"

"Yes I do. We were recently voted best florist by LA Weekly." The flower shop gave me a fake job, and a way to file honest taxes. My real money stayed hidden in six offshore bank accounts.

 

THE END

 


#2 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 09 March 2018 - 11:25 AM

The beginning of the first chapter for you to rip apart. Thanks!

 

CHAPTER 1

I was binge watching season three of Fargo when I got the call from my burner phone that hadn't rung in five months. I kept it behind a skull bookend inside a bookcase built into my apartment wall. If I pushed the bookcase, I imagined I would enter a secret passage that led down to a gothic nightclub. You could omit this sentence.  Going from saying where the phone is to the Risky Business slide envokes a stronger image of her doing it, in my mind, instead of it being broken up by stuff about the bookcase.

I leaped off my sofa, took a running start, and slid across my shiny marble floor to the bookcase. I'd practiced my Risky Business slide for this day a thousand times. And I just so happened to be wearing an oversized pink oxford shirt with a pair of white cashmere socks.

"At your service," I said into the flip phone, my heart pounding.

"Verity," said the man on the other end. It was my manager Enoch.

"Speaking," I said.

"I apologize this call has taken so long. How are you?" His voice echoed. I heard splashes and voices echoing "Echoed" is used twice.  Change one of the echoes to a different word in the background. He was near an indoor swimming pool that could have been anywhere. I seldom knew his location when he called.

"Happy to be keeping up appearances." I ran my fingers through my long dark brown hair. I don't know why, but this seems out of place.  Maybe you could sneak in the description of her hair later on?

He chuckled. "How is the flower shop? Do you still like the location on Melrose?"

"Yes I do. We were recently voted best florist by LA Weekly." The flower shop gave me a fake job, and a way to file honest taxes. My real money stayed hidden in six offshore bank accounts.

 

THE END



#3 Springfield

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Posted 09 March 2018 - 02:54 PM

The beginning of the first chapter for you to rip apart. Thanks!

 

CHAPTER 1

I was binge watching season three of Fargo when I got the call from my burner phone that hadn't rung in five months. I kept it behind a skull bookend inside a bookcase built into my apartment wall. If I pushed the bookcase, I imagined I would enter a secret passage that led down to a gothic nightclub.

I leaped off my sofa, took a running start, and slid across my shiny marble floor to the bookcase. I'd practiced my Risky Business slide for this day a thousand times. And I just so happened to be wearing an oversized pink oxford shirt with a pair of white cashmere socks.

"At your service," I said into the flip phone, my heart pounding.

"Verity," said the man on the other end. It was my manager Enoch.

"Speaking," I said.

"I apologize this call has taken so long. How are you?" His voice echoed. I heard splashes and voices echoing in the background. He was near an indoor swimming pool that could have been anywhere. I seldom knew his location when he called.

"Happy to be keeping up appearances." I ran my fingers through my long dark brown hair.

He chuckled. "How is the flower shop? Do you still like the location on Melrose?"

"Yes I do. We were recently voted best florist by LA Weekly." The flower shop gave me a fake job, and a way to file honest taxes. My real money stayed hidden in six offshore bank accounts.

 

THE END

 

I didn't go lbl because this just all seems to be trying way too hard. It's like all over the top, and some doesn't make sense, which stops me. For instance, is it a burner if she's kept it, and the number, and given it out, for five months?? Why does her manager call her on a burner? Why is her burner buried in a so ridiculous I'd have put the book down bookcase? How big is her room she needs a running start to get to it? It's just kind of like a pile of cliches and stuff pulled from random movies or something (I don't mean the Risky Business, I mean the other stuff). How is the flower shop a 'fake job' if it's an actual shop and she hasn't heard from her 'manager' in half a year?






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