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Guild of Eliria - High Fantasy


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#1 Erevos

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Posted 09 March 2018 - 08:43 AM

Hello everyone!

So, I reached a point where some agents ask for a 1-page synopsis... Needless to say that manly tears were shed while writing this!

I tried to cut it down to the absolutely essentials, but leaving out important parts feels like I'm not doing justice to the story.

 

Anyway! Let me know what you think! I'll gladly review yours!

__________________________________________________

 

Fifteen-year-old WILL isn’t blessed with a magic fire inside, but that won’t stop him from training with the other gifted students at the Adventurer’s Guild of Eliria. So when ED — a teacher at the Guild and the man who fostered Will — grants his permission, Will’s dream of travelling the world is finally one year away.

 

A letter soon arrives at the Guild from the library of Elith. GRIMOLD, a scholar, claims he has found clues about the mark Ed had seen upon the body of Will’s mother. With Will having no knowledge of the mystery surrounding her death, Ed judges it’s best to keep hiding the truth — at least until he completes his training.

 

He rides to Elith alone, but Grimold’s findings create more questions. The mark proves to be an ancient form of magic that throttles a man’s inner fire, eventually killing him. Grimold suspects that a terrible king of legends — the last man known to have performed this spell — has probably returned to life, but Ed refuses to believe in his words.

When Grimold is found dead the next day, Ed flees the city to avoid suspicion. Two assassins lurk for him outside Elith, demanding to know why the Guild is involved. A fierce fight breaks out, during which Ed kills one of them. The second assailant flees wounded, promising to get her revenge. Back at the Guild, Ed suspects treason coming from a noble family and realizes that Will might soon be a target. With the assistance of the Guild Master, they launch a hunt for more clues.

 

Meanwhile, Will discovers that one of the students, the son of a noble, seeks information on a certain person, and worst of all, a Guild teacher appears to be helping him. Will informs Ed, but he diminishes the importance of their actions and urges Will to focus on the upcoming Guild Trials.

 

The Guild Trials begin. Will and his group manage to overcome every obstacle thrown at them, but Will is tormented by his poor performance. In a fit of anger, he senses something awake inside him, something terrifying that feeds on this feeling.

 

The night before the final Trial most of the teachers attend a feast at the King’s castle. Will sees with horror as hired swords storm over the guild’s walls, led by a fearsome assassin girl. The students balk in fear, but  Ray convinces them to band together. They manage to fend off the attackers, but Will is grievously injured.

When he opens his eyes, he finds himself in a yard he doesn’t recognize. He meets a man inside a demolished temple, sitting in a throne, his body seared by fire. The man, who appears to be a king, shows keen interest in Will. He convinces him that only the strong can make an impact on the world and urges him to seek out a way to flare up the fire inside him. Will wakes up, wondering if this was only a dream or something more.

 

Will completes his training and his life-long dream becomes reality. Before he leaves for his first mission, Ed reveals the whole truth to him. He is close to find those responsible for the murder, but he admits he still needs time. He promises though that once Will returns they’ll uncover the secrets of his past together. Devastated by the gruesome death of his mother, Will decides that this task falls on him. As the group walks out of the Guild, Will announces he must follow his own path for a while. He sets off alone to visit the grave of his mother, having one thing in mind: Revenge.


My query: http://agentquerycon...teampunksci-fi/

Let me know if you want me to look at yours. Will happily do so.


#2 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 09 March 2018 - 04:41 PM

Hello everyone!

So, I reached a point where some agents ask for a 1-page synopsis... Needless to say that manly tears manly tears or many tears? ;) were shed while writing this!

I tried to cut it down to the absolutely essentials, but leaving out important parts feels like I'm not doing justice to the story.

 

Anyway! Let me know what you think! I'll gladly review yours!

__________________________________________________

 

Fifteen-year-old WILL isn’t blessed with a magic fire inside, but that won’t stop him from training with the other gifted students at the Adventurer’s Guild of Eliria. How is he able to train if he can't do magic? You might want to include a little bit more info So when ED — a teacher at the Guild and the man who fostered Will — grants his permission, Will’s dream of travelling the world is finally one year away. Does having magic have something to do with travelling in this world? I think these sentences need to entwine together better, because I'm not sure if it's Will dream to just travel the world, or if he wishes he could do magic, etc.

 

A letter soon arrives at the Guild from the library of Elith. GRIMOLD, a scholar, claims he has found clues about the mark Ed had seen upon the body of Will’s mother. I think you should establish the fact that Will is an orphan better in the first paragraph, and also establish more about the mark there too.  Because that knowlegde just sort of comes out of nowhere.  With Will having no knowledge of the mystery surrounding her death, Ed judges it’s best to keep hiding the truth — at least until he completes his training. I don't know if you have room in the synopsis, but I'd like to know more about what exactly they're training for/towards to get a better picture of the Guild.  Because right now I don't know if they just practice magic there or what.

 

He rides to Elith alone, but Grimold’s findings create more questions. The mark proves to be an ancient form of magic that throttles a man’s inner fire, eventually killing him This needs to be clarified, because I have no idea what it means. Grimold suspects that a terrible king of legends could you word this with more oomph "terrible king" just sounds kinda meh — the last man known to have performed this spell — has probably returned to life this wording sounds a tad too casual for an evil, legendary king that has come back to life, but Ed refuses to believe in his words.

When Grimold is found dead the next day, Ed flees the city to avoid suspicion. Two assassins lurk for him outside Elith, demanding to know why the Guild is involved involved in the mark?. A fierce fight breaks out, during which Ed kills one of them. The second assailant flees wounded, promising to get her revenge. Back at the Guild, Ed suspects treason coming from a noble family and realizes that Will might soon be a target why would he be a target? Because of the mark thing?. With the assistance of the Guild Master, they launch a hunt for more clues. I think we need some more details about this world in the intro.  For instance, who is this noble family? How is this world set-up? I'm picturing kings and queens, and sword battles and sorcery right now, but I don't know if that's right.

 

Meanwhile, Will discovers that one of the students, the son of a noble, seeks information on a certain person, and worst of all, a Guild teacher appears to be helping him. Again, a bit more clarity here. This sentence is very vague. Will informs Ed, but he diminishes the importance of their actions and urges Will to focus on the upcoming Guild Trials. Again... again... I think it would help if you established more about the school earlier on, because the trials come out of nowhere.  I also don't know what "Guild Trials" entails.

 

The Guild Trials begin. Will and his group manage to overcome every obstacle thrown at them, but Will is tormented by his poor performance. In a fit of anger, he senses something awake inside him, something terrifying that feeds on this feeling.

 

The night before the final Trial most of the teachers attend a feast at the King’s castle. Will sees with horror as hired swords storm over the guild’s walls, led by a fearsome assassin girl Same assasin that tried to kill Ed earlier?. The students balk in fear, but  Ray who is Ray? convinces them to band together. They manage to fend off the attackers, but Will is grievously injured injured how?.

When he opens his eyes, he finds himself in a yard he doesn’t recognize. He meets a man inside a demolished temple, sitting in a throne, his body seared by fire. The man, who appears to be a king is this supposed to be the king of legends earlier?, shows keen interest in Will. He convinces him that only the strong can make an impact on the world and urges him to seek out a way to flare up the fire inside him. Will wakes up, wondering if this was only a dream or something more.

 

Will completes his training and his life-long dream becomes reality. Before he leaves for his first mission, Ed reveals the whole truth to him. He is close to find finding those responsible for the murder, but he admits he still needs time. He promises though that once Will returns they’ll uncover the secrets of his past together. Devastated by the gruesome death of his mother, Will decides that this task falls on him. As the group what group? walks out of the Guild, Will announces he must follow his own path for a while. He sets off alone to visit the grave of his mother, having one thing in mind: Revenge.

 

This is a good start, but I think it needs a lot more detail.  Which is probably not what you wanna hear when you need a one-page synopsis.  I would suggest adding in as much detail as you see fit to do your world and story justice, and then try to trim it from there.

I'm assuming that the climax of your story has to do with the battle in the King's castle? I think that needs some more details.  After I read the part about Will having his dream, then realizing the next paragraph was the conclusion to the book, I sorta went... wait, that's it?

Is there more details about the king of legends guy? At first, the story seems it's going to be about that, and then goes off in a different direction and we don't hear about it again.  Or the assasins, and why they tried to kill Ed, or what was up with the noble family and the treason.  I don't see a conclusion for any of that in here.  Not saying your story doesn't, but I think we need way more details here.  Right now, it just sorta skips around.  It starts with Will wanting to train but not have magic, then we hear about this mark and the evil king and Ed tries to get killed because of it, and then there's treason, and it all sounds very juicy, but then we go on a different track about the Guild Trials, and then Will deciding he'll exact revenge on his mother.  Again, I'm sure the story joins everything together smoothly, but the synopsis doesn't show it.



#3 Erevos

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Posted 10 March 2018 - 09:20 AM

Hey DW and thank you for your comments!!

 

Actually the book ends like that because it's the first in a series. That's...well...bad I know, but I had finished writing it before I did some research on agents. Apparently they look for stand-alones from non-published writers. Imagine me shouting: SH@T !!

 

Let me try and answer some questions!

 

1. It's sword and sorcery, that is why Will can train with the others...or well... try! So, some people are blessed with a "fire" inside and some are not.

2. His dream is to travel the world as most adventurers do since it's part of their jobs. Close to typical D&D here. So, he wanted to train to prove to his foster father that he can make it alone out there.

3. Yes, it's king and queens and noble families. I skipped names cause I would have to introduce too many people! 600 words is my max.

4. Yes, Will meets this king, but this isn't your typical BAD KING COMES TO LIFE. Dead are dead in my book. (Hm... I wonder if I can make that clear) Instead Will is influenced by him and turns into a somewhat "gray" character. An anti-hero if you like. The problem is his monther knew about this king too, but she never got the chance to explain stuff.

 

That's all more or less! I will remove the Guild Trials, since this is only part of their training.

Okay, back to rewriting this!

 

I will return the favor shortly!!


My query: http://agentquerycon...teampunksci-fi/

Let me know if you want me to look at yours. Will happily do so.


#4 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 10 March 2018 - 10:29 AM

Hey DW and thank you for your comments!!

 

Actually the book ends like that because it's the first in a series. That's...well...bad I know, but I had finished writing it before I did some research on agents. Apparently they look for stand-alones from non-published writers. Imagine me shouting: SH@T !! hahaha, I 100% feel you.  I made so many no-no's with my story.  I wish I had read do and don't lists before starting to write, to save me from the grief of trying to fix everything, but at the time I was all "no one is telling me how to write! I don't need a list!!"

 

Let me try and answer some questions!

 

1. It's sword and sorcery, that is why Will can train with the others...or well... try! So, some people are blessed with a "fire" inside and some are not.

2. His dream is to travel the world as most adventurers do since it's part of their jobs. Close to typical D&D here. So, he wanted to train to prove to his foster father that he can make it alone out there. Yes, definitely add these two points into the synopsis.  I'm already getting a better picture, haha.

3. Yes, it's king and queens and noble families. I skipped names cause I would have to introduce too many people! 600 words is my max. I wonder if there's a way you could sneak that in there.  Like "The Guild of Eliria, loctaed in/close by the city of BLANK, ruled by King BLANK, or something.

4. Yes, Will meets this king, but this isn't your typical BAD KING COMES TO LIFE. Dead are dead in my book. (Hm... I wonder if I can make that clear) ​Definitely make this clear. And definitely make it clear that Will meets this king. Instead Will is influenced by him and turns into a somewhat "gray" character. An anti-hero if you like. The problem is his monther knew about this king too, but she never got the chance to explain stuff. Do we get to know this in the book at all? If not, you may want to shift some things around so it gives it more of a "conclusion" as it were, so it COULD potentially be a standalone.

 

That's all more or less! I will remove the Guild Trials, since this is only part of their training.

Okay, back to rewriting this!

 

I will return the favor shortly!!



#5 VSChapman

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Posted 11 March 2018 - 11:53 AM

Hello everyone!

So, I reached a point where some agents ask for a 1-page synopsis... Needless to say that manly tears were shed while writing this!

I tried to cut it down to the absolutely essentials, but leaving out important parts feels like I'm not doing justice to the story.

 

Anyway! Let me know what you think! I'll gladly review yours!

__________________________________________________

 

Fifteen-year-old WILL isn’t blessed with a magic fire inside, but that won’t stop him from training with the other gifted students at the Adventurer’s Guild of Eliria. So when ED — a teacher at the Guild and the man who fostered (fostered or adopted? I read some of the comments above and think this should be a bit clearer on why Ed is raising him from the start as well) Will — grants his permission, Will’s dream of travelling the world is finally one year away. (I also agree with pointing out that he can go because of the sword fighting so we don't question why he's let in without the fire inside)

 

A letter soon arrives at the Guild from the library of Elith. GRIMOLD, a scholar, claims he has found clues about the mark Ed had seen upon the body of Will’s mother. With Will having no knowledge of the mystery surrounding her death, Ed judges it’s best to keep hiding the truth — at least until he completes his training. Ed chooses to hide the information from Will until he has completed his training.

 

He (Will or Ed?) rides to Elith alone, but Grimold’s findings create more questions. The mark proves to be an ancient form of magic that throttles a man’s inner fire, eventually killing him. (I didn't quite understand this part. Is there another way to explain it?)  Grimold suspects that a terrible king of legends — the last man known to have performed this spell — has probably returned to life, but Ed refuses to believe in his words.

When Grimold is found dead the next day, Ed flees the city to avoid suspicion. Two assassins lurk for him outside Elith, demanding to know why the Guild is involved. A fierce fight breaks out, during which Ed kills one of them. The second assailant flees wounded, promising to get her revenge. Back at the Guild, Ed suspects treason coming from a noble family and realizes that Will might soon be a target. With the assistance of the Guild Master, they launch a hunt for more clues. (Question- is this mutiple POVs or third person? I'm just wondering if Will is the MC or if Ed is at this point)

 

Meanwhile, Will discovers that one of the students, the son of a noble, seeks information on a certain person,(? what information and on who?) and worst of all, a Guild teacher appears to be helping him. Will informs Ed, but he diminishes the importance of their actions and urges Will to focus on the upcoming Guild Trials.

 

The Guild Trials begin. Will and his group manage to overcome every obstacle thrown at them, but Will is tormented by his poor performance. In a fit of anger, he senses something awake inside him, something terrifying that feeds on this feeling.

 

The night before the final Trial most of the teachers attend a feast at the King’s castle. Will sees watches with horror as hired swords storm over the guild’s walls, led by a fearsome assassin girl. The students balk in fear, but  Ray (who? first mention of him) convinces them to band together. They manage to fend off the attackers, but Will is grievously injured.

When he opens his eyes, he finds himself in a yard he doesn’t recognize. He meets a man inside a demolished temple, sitting in a throne, his body seared by fire. The man, who appears to be a king, shows keen interest in Will. He convinces him that only the strong can make an impact on the world and urges him to seek out a way to flare up the fire inside him. Will wakes up, wondering if this was only a dream or something more.

 

Will completes his training and his life-long dream becomes reality. Before he leaves for his first mission, Ed reveals the whole truth to him. He is close to find those responsible for the murder, but he admits he still needs time. He promises though that once Will returns they’ll uncover the secrets of his past together. Devastated by the gruesome death of his mother, Will decides that this task falls on him. As the group walks out of the Guild, Will announces he must follow his own path for a while. He sets off alone to visit the grave of his mother, having one thing in mind: Revenge. (what happened to the father?)

Good start! I did the same thing with mine as well-  the first of a series so I feel ya on that! I think there's just a few parts that need to be clarified a bit. Some parts need more detail while others I think could be chopped a bit. 



#6 Erevos

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Posted 13 March 2018 - 03:58 PM

Okay 1 more attempt! This is slighty bigger, but hopefully it clarifies a few things.

Some notes:

 

1. I can't really explain the "throttle's a man's fire" in the synopsis. Take for example the midichlorians in Star Wars. Now imagine a spell killing them slowly and excruciatingly, and eventually killing the user too. The fire is also something like THE FORCE, but unique in each person.

 

2. This "terrible king" has a lot of back-story. He isn't your typical "LETS BE BAD CAUSE I WAS BORN BAD" cliche. Not much is known to the people since most info on him were hidden on purpose. Anyway, our characters know some stuff from legends and songs. And yes, Will meets him in "dream" since he is connected to him somehow. I also hope I made it clear that he isn't coming back to life.

 

3. The reader clearly knows who the noble family is, but not their goal. At the end of the book both Will and Ed suspect them, but without evidence they can't prove much. Anyway, there is a lot of story there, a lot of families involved (but not as many as GOT), but I can't possibly explain it in the synopsis.

 

4. I really want to change the final chapters to give a feel of "conclusion", but I will ruin the setup for the next book. I have most of the story planned and changing it will be like a knife in the belly. (DRAMATIC MUCH)

 

5. Thank you to anyone who comments and helps me fix errors! I will return the favor!

___________________________________________________

 

Fifteen years ago, ED , saved a baby, WILL, from certain death. The man who murdered the boy’s mother vanished into the night, leaving behind no clues but a strange mark on her body. Ed  brought the baby to the Adventurer’s Guild of Eliria for his protection, and decided to hide the truth from all, including Will.

 

Today, Will has one dream: to travel the world as an adventurer. He isn’t blessed with a magic fire inside, but since he is skilled with the sword nothing can stop him from training with the other gifted students. It’s the only way to prove to Ed  he can make it out there. When Ed  grants his permission, Will’s dream is finally one year away.

 

A letter soon arrives at the Guild from the library of Elith. GRIMOLD, a scholar, claims he has found clues about the mark. Ed  rides to Elith, but Grimold’s findings create more questions. The mark proves to be an ancient form of magic that throttles a man’s inner fire, eventually killing him. Grimold claims that a man of legends — the last man known to have performed this spell — has probably returned to life, since any other knowledge about the mark is locked away in a prison-like library. Ed  argues that it is impossible for anyone to return to life, even for a man whose power was compared to the gods. He insists that he lies dead, consumed by madness, killed by his own daughter during his coronation.

 

When Grimold is found dead the next day, Ed  flees the city to avoid suspicion. Two assassins lurk for him outside Elith, demanding to know if someone at the Guild is connected to the mark. A fierce fight breaks out, during which Ed  kills one of them. The second assailant flees wounded, promising to get her revenge. Back at the Guild, Ed  suspects treason coming from a noble family and realizes that Will might soon be a target. With the assistance of the Guild Master, they launch a hunt to discover who and why would want Will dead.

 

Meanwhile, Will discovers that one of the students, the son of a lord, seeks information on a certain student, and worst of all, a Guild teacher appears to be helping him. Unsure of whom they mean, Will informs Ed , but he urges him to focus on his training and leave the rest to him.

 

A series of trials to test every student leave Will tormented by his poor performance. In a fit of anger, he feels something awake inside him, something terrifying that feeds on these feelings.

On a night when most of the teachers attend a feast at the King’s castle, hired swords storm over the Guild’s walls, led by a fearsome assassin girl. Can we say that? assassin girl? :P The students balk in fear, but Will musters up his courage and convinces everyone to band together. They manage to fend off the attackers, but in an attempt to save his friends Will is grievously injured by the assassin.

 

When he opens his eyes, he finds himself in a yard he doesn’t recognize. He meets a man inside a demolished temple, sitting in a throne, his body seared by fire. The man, who appears to be a king, shows keen interest in Will. He convinces him that only the strong can make an impact on the world and urges him to seek out a way to flare up the fire inside him. Will wakes up, wondering if this was only a dream or something more.

 

Will finally completes his training and his dream becomes reality. Before he leaves for his first mission, Ed  reveals the whole truth to him. He is close to finding those responsible for the murder, but he still needs time. He promises though that once Will returns they’ll uncover the secrets of his past together. Devastated by the gruesome death of his mother, Will tries to connect everything that happened together and decides that this task falls on him. He abandons his friends and mission, and sets off alone to visit the grave of his mother, having one thing in mind: Revenge.


My query: http://agentquerycon...teampunksci-fi/

Let me know if you want me to look at yours. Will happily do so.





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