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YA Fantasy, Current WIP

young adult fantasy

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#1 Casanuana

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Posted 09 March 2018 - 10:56 AM

This is only the start of a first draft but I would like opinions none the less! I tend to spend a while on each part of the book to try and make it as good as possible, but have often struggled with the first 250. All opinions welcome and I will return the favor! 

 

This story begins with death. The death of a prince. The day was perfect for a funeral, somehow it was like the earth itself was mourning the loss with us. The cold rain hit the top of my head as I walked in the funeral procession. I didn't really notice that much. A shock of feeling and then back to numbness. I shouldn't even have been there, my long ears denoting me as a lower citizen Aos Si. Yet those ears...he had called them beautiful. He had had similar ears to mine, despite his status. Idly I looked at the delicate, short points on the rest of the guests. I shouldn't be here. Yet I couldn't be anywhere else. The man I had loved was gone, forever. It was like part of me had died with him, as if I had drowned beside him.

Relegated to the rear of the procession I found my feet had a hard time moving. It made me slow and clunky, as if I were carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. His mother, Lady Elaren, was sobbing, being supported by his brother Sahlin. I knew if I thought his name I would break. It was the last barrier between me and reality, the thing holding my shattered mind together. So I locked it away until later, just needing to get through this day. And the next. And the one after that. An endless amount of days, all without him in them.


I am far from an expert but I am willing to give my opinion and share what I have learned.

 

my First 250: http://agentquerycon...sy-current-wip/

 

my Query: http://agentquerycon...antasy-revised/


#2 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 09 March 2018 - 11:12 AM

This is only the start of a first draft but I would like opinions none the less! I tend to spend a while on each part of the book to try and make it as good as possible, but have often struggled with the first 250. All opinions welcome and I will return the favor! 

 

This story begins with death. The death of a prince. I would not start like this. It's one of the big no-no's to start a story saying "This story starts." The day was perfect for a funeral, somehow it was like the earth Earth itself was mourning the loss with us. Start the story with this sentence instead.  It's a great opening sentence, then integrate the part about it being the funeral for the price later. The cold rain hit the top of my head as I walked in the funeral procession. I didn't really notice that much. A shock of feeling and then back to numbness. Is there a way you can merge these two sentenes together so they flow better? I shouldn't even have been there, my long ears denoting me as a lower citizen Aos Si. Yet those ears...he had called them beautiful. He had had similar ears to mine, despite his status. Idly I looked at the delicate, short points on the rest of the guests. Just a small thing, but by "long ears" I thought of very long lobes, but I'm guessing you meant the tops of the ears. I shouldn't be here. Yet I couldn't be anywhere else. The man I had loved was gone, forever. It was like part of me had died with him, as if I had drowned beside him.

Relegated to the rear of the procession I found my feet had a hard time moving. It made me slow and clunky you could probably streamline this, and omit the part about the feet having a hard time moving, and instead just say they were slow and clunky, as if I were carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. You use an "as if" statement twice in a short time.  The first one, when she drowed alongside him, was much more striking than this one, so I would omit this one. His mother, Lady Elaren, was sobbing, being supported by his brother Sahlin. I knew if I thought his name I would break. It was the last barrier between me and reality, the thing holding my shattered mind together. So I locked it away until later, just needing to get through this day. And the next. And the one after that. An endless amount of days, all without him in them.



#3 1cezman

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Posted 10 March 2018 - 04:56 AM

This is only the start of a first draft but I would like opinions none the less! I tend to spend a while on each part of the book to try and make it as good as possible, but have often struggled with the first 250. All opinions welcome and I will return the favor! 

 

This story begins with death. (Not a fan of this. The goal is to get the reader into the world of the story not make it clear that its just a story.)The death of a prince. The day was perfect for a funeral, (I love this sentences, so poignant and poetic) somehow it was like the earth itself was mourning the loss with us. The cold rain hit the top of my head as I walked in the funeral procession. (This is a bit bland to follow that last sentence. Maybe reference the cold rain as tears from the planet?) I didn't really notice that much. A shock of feeling and then back to numbness. I shouldn't even have been there, my long ears denoting me as a lower citizen Aos Si. Yet those ears...he had called them beautiful. He had had similar ears to mine, despite his status. (I am a little confused here. Her ears denote she is lower class but his, being similar to hers, doesnt?) Idly I looked at the delicate, short points on the rest of the guests. I shouldn't be here. Yet I couldn't be anywhere else. The man I had loved was gone, forever. It was like part of me had died with him, as if I had drowned beside him. (Lovely. exposition without it feeling like one. Nice touch.)

Relegated to the rear of the procession I found my feet had a hard time moving. It made me slow and clunky, as if I were carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. His mother, Lady Elaren, was sobbing, being supported by his brother Sahlin. I knew if I thought his name I would break. It was the last barrier between me and reality, the thing holding my shattered mind together. So I locked it away until later, just needing to get through this day. And the next. And the one after that. An endless amount of days, all without him in them.

 

It is a lovely start. You do a good job of subtly introducing things about the world without it sounding like exposition so kudos. You could do with a stronger hook though because right now, I don't really see where this is going. Then again, its just the first 200 words.


Would really appreciate a little feedback on my first 250 words: http://agentquerycon...ya-sci-fantasy/


#4 Arcanjoe

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Posted 10 March 2018 - 11:25 AM

This is only the start of a first draft but I would like opinions none the less! I tend to spend a while on each part of the book to try and make it as good as possible, but have often struggled with the first 250. All opinions welcome and I will return the favor! 

 

This story begins with death. The death of a prince. The day was perfect for a funeral. (I actually think this line is a far better opening sentence than your previous two. You can mention he's a prince elsewhere.) Somehow it was like the earth itself was mourning the loss with us. The cold rain hit the top of my head as I walked in the funeral procession. I didn't really notice that much. A shock of feeling and then back to numbness. I shouldn't even have been there, my long ears denoting me as a lower citizen Aos Si. Yet those ears...he had called them beautiful. He had had similar ears to mine, despite his status. Idly I looked at the delicate, short points on the rest of the guests. (This sentence could come earlier, before the reveal that she doesn't belong there, because it's a great 'show' that maybe she feels like she doesn't belong.) I shouldn't be here. Yet I couldn't be anywhere else. The man I had loved was gone, forever. It was like part of me had died with him, as if I had drowned beside him. (I like this opening. Atmospheric.)

Relegated to the rear of the procession I found my feet had a hard time moving. It made me slow and clunky, as if I were carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. His mother, Lady Elaren, was sobbing, being supported by his brother Sahlin. I knew if I thought of his name I would break. It was the last barrier between me and reality, the thing holding my shattered mind together. So I locked it away until later, just needing to get through this day. And the next. And the one after that. An endless amount of days, all without him in them. (Maybe move the names of the brother and the mother to later in the chapter. They are not directly relevant here and I think if you focus solely on the main character's emotion, you will really pull readers in deep and get them invested in your story. Then introduce us to other characters. This wouldn't feel like a manipulation either because you've mentioned that the MC is barely able to notice anything around her.)

I enjoyed this opening. Apart from my points above, I think you're well on your way!


I'd love for you to critique my latest query...

Clover:

http://agentquerycon...cience-fiction/

 

Or the first 250 words of my story...

Clover:

http://agentquerycon...cience-fiction/

 






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