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The cursed, YA sci&fi


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#1 Emilysmith

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Posted 10 March 2018 - 02:07 PM

Hey everyone. So that's the first 250 words of my novel. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

 

When strange voice woke her up, she knew something was wrong.

Siren screaming proved her wrong. Dull Metal construction kept screaming because some newbie tried to escape.  An idiot, as she would say. Not a newbie, but the fool who may have some stupid ambitions, about sneaking out of this hell. Bunch of morons. When would they learn? Or maybe she shouldn’t be so harsh. After all, not a long time ago, Emily had the same dream.

She glanced at the electric fence and got up. The electric fence had stretched across the whole military camp. It gave her memories about the old time. Memories of escape. Once upon a time, lived a stupid girl with the foolish dream. She attempted or dared to fight for peaceful life and never succeeded. That poor girl, had the most miserable life in the world, because the traitor who caught her, used to be her best friend. This fact was more painful than physical torture because unlike bruises, friendship never heals. 

Her watch beeped after the siren died. She was summoned to do her duty. To kill.

 

The girl got up barefooted and went down to the halls. The cold walls greeted. Those walls made her their prisoner. She became very familiar with those blocks. The tunnel that led to the entrance were built with same walls. When traitor came with an army, her cell blocks had the same color. Emily shook her head. Unnecessary bugs, she was too good for it



#2 Springfield

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Posted 10 March 2018 - 03:18 PM

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Hey everyone. So that's the first 250 words of my novel. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

 

When strange voice woke her up, she knew something was wrong. A waking-up opening kind of immediately puts me on guard. Siren screaming proved her wrong. Why would sirens mean nothing is wrong? Dull Metal construction kept screaming because some newbie tried to escape. I'm so confused -- with the cap, and with the siren and now construction. No idea what's going on.  An idiot, as she would say. Who? Not a newbie, but the fool who may have some stupid ambitions, about sneaking out of this hell. Bunch of morons. When would they learn? Or maybe she shouldn’t be so harsh. After all, not a long time ago, Emily had the same dream.

She glanced at the electric fence and got up. The electric fence had stretched across the whole military camp. You keep dribbling info in reverse/ It gave her memories about the old time. Memories of escape. Also using similar construction and fragments. Once upon a time, lived a stupid girl with the foolish dream. She attempted or dared to fight for peaceful life and never succeeded. That poor girl, had the most miserable life in the world, because the traitor who caught her, used to be her best friend. This fact was more painful than physical torture because unlike bruises, friendship never heals. Is this meant to be her, reflecting? The POV weirdness isn't working for me.

 

Her watch beeped after the siren died. She was summoned to do her duty. To kill.

 

The girl What girl? got up barefooted and went down to the halls. The cold walls greeted. I can't with the fragments, Those walls made her their prisoner. She became very familiar with those blocks. The tunnel that led to the entrance were built with same walls. When traitor came with an army, her cell blocks had the same color. Emily shook her head. Unnecessary bugs, she was too good for it

 

I feel like this is using a LOT of words to convey very little info, and in a back-and-forth manner that's just super confusing.



#3 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 10 March 2018 - 03:46 PM

Hey everyone. So that's the first 250 words of my novel. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

 

When strange voice woke her up, she knew something was wrong. Don't start with a wake up opening.  Just google it.  I made the same mistake.

Siren screaming proved her wrong. Dull Metal construction kept screaming because some newbie tried to escape. I don't understand these sentences.  An idiot, as she would say. Not a newbie, but the fool who may have some stupid ambitions, about sneaking out of this hell. Bunch of morons. When would they learn? Or maybe she shouldn’t be so harsh. After all, not a long time ago, Emily had the same dream. I'm sorry, but I have no idea what is happening here.  After reading this twice, did someone try to escape?

She glanced at the electric fence and got up. The electric fence had stretched across the whole military camp. It gave her memories about the old time. Memories of escape. Once upon a time, lived a stupid girl with the foolish dream. She attempted or dared to fight for peaceful life and never succeeded. That poor girl, had the most miserable life in the world, because the traitor who caught her, used to be her best friend. This fact was more painful than physical torture because unlike bruises, friendship never heals.  Again, I'm not getting a clear picture of what is happening at all.

Her watch beeped after the siren died. She was summoned to do her duty. To kill.

 

The girl got up barefooted and went down to the halls. The cold walls greeted. Those walls made her their prisoner. She became very familiar with those blocks. The tunnel that led to the entrance were built with same walls. When traitor came with an army, her cell blocks had the same color. Emily shook her head. Unnecessary bugs, she was too good for it ??

 

I'm sorry, but I have no idea what I just read  :sad: I can't even offer advice, I'm so lost.  This needs to be completely re-done.



#4 1cezman

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Posted 10 March 2018 - 07:19 PM

Hey everyone. So that's the first 250 words of my novel. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

 

When the? strange voice woke her up, she knew something was wrong. (Aparently the waking openings are a bad thing. So i hear)

Siren screaming proved her wrong. (I love the juxtaposition of this line. The idea of sirens being somewhat unlarming really drives home that she is used to this hell. Reaaly nice.) Dull Metal construction kept screaming because some newbie tried to escape.  An idiot, as she would say. Not a newbie, but the fool who may have some stupid ambitions, about sneaking out of this hell. Bunch of morons. When would they learn? Or maybe she shouldn’t be so harsh. After all, not a long time ago, Emily had the same dream.

She glanced at the electric fence and got up. The electric fence had stretched across the whole military camp. It gave her memories about the old time. Memories of escape. Once upon a time, lived a stupid girl with the foolish dream. She attempted or dared to fight for peaceful life and never succeeded. That poor girl, had the most miserable life in the world, because the traitor who caught her, used to be her best friend. This fact was more painful than physical torture because unlike bruises, friendship never heals. (I love your word play but this one is kinda off. Or maybe its just cos i never really had friends to know whether its everlasting or not. lol)

Her watch beeped after the siren died. She was summoned to do her duty. To kill.

 

The girl got up barefooted and went down to the halls. The cold walls greeted.(The cold walls greeted what?) Those walls made her their prisoner. She became very familiar with those blocks. The tunnel that led to the entrance were built with the? same walls. When the? traitor came with an army, her cell blocks had the same color. Emily shook her head. Unnecessary bugs, she was too good for it

 

 

I love this. I love the voice, wordplay and your way of not simply spelling everything out for the reader. I love the classics and have been disheartened with my own work because everyone seems to want me to spell everything out in the first pages so I am glad I came across this. It's unique and there is an art to your prose. I'd definitely read on if I pick this one off a shelf.


Would really appreciate a little feedback on my first 250 words: http://agentquerycon...ya-sci-fantasy/


#5 lnloft

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Posted 10 March 2018 - 09:31 PM

I always hate asking this, because it's super awkward if I'm wrong, but is English your first language? The mistakes seem very... non-native-English-speaker. You've got some missing articles and comma splices. Also, almost every sentence is very short and abrupt, with almost no variety in sentence structure, which both sounds non-native and also just generally isn't as interesting to read. I greatly apologize if I am wrong, but between the way this reads and the fact that you list Europe as your location, it sounds like English is not your first language.

 

Beyond that, it's just... confusing. It's hard to get a sense of place or who's doing what or what's going on. It's not about spelling everything out to the reader, it's about letting us understand anything of what's going on. Sorry. :unsure:


Nothing to reciprocate on right now; I'm off in the query trenches.


#6 Springfield

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Posted 10 March 2018 - 10:18 PM

I always hate asking this, because it's super awkward if I'm wrong, but is English your first language? The mistakes seem very... non-native-English-speaker. You've got some missing articles and comma splices. Also, almost every sentence is very short and abrupt, with almost no variety in sentence structure, which both sounds non-native and also just generally isn't as interesting to read. I greatly apologize if I am wrong, but between the way this reads and the fact that you list Europe as your location, it sounds like English is not your first language.

 

Beyond that, it's just... confusing. It's hard to get a sense of place or who's doing what or what's going on. It's not about spelling everything out to the reader, it's about letting us understand anything of what's going on. Sorry. :unsure:

 

Had the same question.






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