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CORVID WITNESS (horror)


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#1 mojicanpuertorican

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Posted 10 March 2018 - 05:50 PM

Please see post #21

 

 

 

 

 

Hi everyone! I've really liked the feedback I got from a past novel a wrote a year ago. Now, with a new book, I'd love to hear your thoughts on my query. Any input is greatly appreciated. And, please, be truthful yet show a little mercy  :tongue: Hope you enjoy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How are you, Ms. or Mr. So and so?

 
I am eager to write to you as I read you are interested in horrorI thought you'd be interested in my novel, CORVID WITNESS, a horror novel with dual point of views complete at 95,000 words. My book's markets are familiar with Strangers by Dean Koontz and Every Dead Thing by John Connolly. 

 
 
 
 
Detective Ed Keegan has listened to various witnesses in his career who detail the horrible events of murder. But never from raven.
 
Twenty-nine-year-old Ed Keegan always knew how to handle an investigation, pushing emotions on the floor, and studying the hard facts. No one's witnessed his most recent case of murder; the death of Darlene Hargrove, the fourth girl killed in the town's theological university. No one except Elijah, Darlene's pet raven who repeats Darlene's last words.
 
Ed keeps Elijah at the police station, curious about what the bird could reveal. His men, always believing Ed was the most level-headed guy, think he's nuts. But soon, Elijah reveals prophetic clues by carving messages onto the walls. The deeper Ed Keegan gets in the case, the more he realizes paranormal forces are at work. A mysterious woman surrounded by children appears in the strangest places; specifically near evidence. A woman Ed himself has seen once in his youth. That's when he finds dozens of missing children cases in the town, dating back to the town's founding. With all of this information, Ed realizes one fact. If he is to solve Darlene's death, he must dig into the town's violent history.
 
With Elijah, Ed is confident he can solve it, even without his men's help. He just hopes he doesn't become the next victim in the process. 
 
 
I am a college graduate of Freelance Writing living in so and so.    
 
Thank you so much for considering my work! Corvid Witness explores a town's dark secrets, murder, and unlikely friendshipsI pasted the first ten pages of my manuscript as your guidelines suggested.  Thank you again for your consideration. Additional material is ready to be sent upon request.  
 
Best regards
-Jonathan
 
 


#2 Springfield

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Posted 10 March 2018 - 07:15 PM

 

Hi everyone! I've really liked the feedback I got from a past novel a wrote a year ago. Now, with a new book, I'd love to hear your thoughts on my query. Any input is greatly appreciated. And, please, be truthful yet show a little mercy  :tongue: Hope you enjoy

 

 

Hiya

 

 

 

 

How are you, Ms. or Mr. So and so? That's not really your salutation, is it?

 
I am eager to write to you as I read you are interested in horrorI thought you'd be interested in my novel, CORVID WITNESS, a horror novel with dual point of views complete at 95,000 words. My book's markets are familiar with Strangers by Dean Koontz and Every Dead Thing by John Connolly. 

 
 
 
 
Detective Ed Keegan has listened to various witnesses in his career who detail the horrible events of murder. But never from raven.
 
Twenty-nine-year-old Ed Keegan always knew how to handle an investigation, pushing emotions on the floor, and studying the hard facts. No one's witnessed his most recent case of murder; the death of Darlene Hargrove, the fourth girl killed in the town's theological university. No one except Elijah, Darlene's pet raven who repeats Darlene's last words.
 
Ed keeps Elijah at the police station, curious about what the bird could reveal. His men, always believing Ed was the most level-headed guy, think he's nuts.Why? But soon, Elijah reveals prophetic clues by carving messages onto the walls. How are they prophetic? The deeper Ed Keegan gets in the case, the more he realizes paranormal forces are at work.Wait, this comes out of nowhere. A mysterious woman surrounded by children appears in the strangest places; specifically near evidence. A woman Ed himself has seen once in his youth. Not a sentence. That's when he finds dozens of missing children cases in the town, dating back to the town's founding. With all of this information, Ed realizes one fact. If he is to solve Darlene's death, he must dig into the town's violent history. This makes no sense to me -- the cop didn't know there were open missing persons cases in a town with a violent history? I also don't get why he thinks they're connected to the murder.
 
With Elijah, Ed is confident he can solve it, even without his men's help. He just hopes he doesn't become the next victim in the process. Why would he? How would Elijah help? I'm lost on the connections here.
 
 
I am a college graduate of Freelance Writing living in so and so.    That's not a college.
 
Thank you so much for considering my work! Corvid Witness explores a town's dark secrets, murder, and unlikely friendshipsI pasted the first ten pages of my manuscript as your guidelines suggested Thank you again for your consideration. Additional material is ready to be sent upon request.  
 
Best regards
-Jonathan
 
 

 

 

This feels lacking in depth -- he wants to solve a case, there are clues to the case, so he tries to solve it. There aren't really stakes (the whole 'he might become a victim' feels tacked on and false if somehow her murder is connected to missing children), and, as above, the clues don't seem to have any connection.



#3 mojicanpuertorican

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Posted 10 March 2018 - 09:35 PM

Thanks for the feedback Springfield

 

 

 

 

How are you, Ms. or Mr. So and so? (Yes, I'll put real names to the agents once I actually query)
 

 
 I thought you'd be interested in my novel, CORVID WITNESS, a horror novel with dual point of views complete at 95,000 words.  

 

 
 
 
 
Ed Keegan always knew how to handle an investigation, pushing emotions on the floor, and studying the hard facts. An attitude some admired, some repelled. No one's witnessed his most recent case of murder; the death of Darlene Hargrove, the fourth girl killed in the town's theological university. No one except Elijah, Darlene's pet raven who repeats Darlene's last words.
 
Ed keeps Elijah at the police station, curious about what the bird could reveal. His men, always believing Ed was the most level-headed guy, think he's nuts for depending on Elijah's testimony. A mere animal. But soon, Elijah starts carving mysterious messages onto the walls. The deeper Ed Keegan gets in the case, the more a mysterious woman appears at specific sites that reveal details of Darlene's final hours; a woman Ed himself has seen once in his youth. In other cases, many report the strange woman's presence dating back to the town's founding. With all of this information, Ed suspects the woman's involvement in Darlene's case as with the rest of the murders and disappearances. If he is to solve Darlene's death, he must dig into the town's violent history.
 
With Elijah leading to leading him closer to the truth of Darlene's demise, Ed is confident he can solve it, even without his men's help. But with the police force breathing down his neck, and with the woman appearing at his own house, Ed might lose more than his job, but his very life. 
 
 
I am a college graduate of ( university) living in (blank).    
 
I pasted the first ten pages of my manuscript as your guidelines suggested.  Thank you for your consideration.  
 
Best regards
-Jonathan


#4 Springfield

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Posted 10 March 2018 - 10:12 PM

 

Thanks for the feedback Springfield

 

 

 

 

How are you, Ms. or Mr. So and so? (Yes, I'll put real names to the agents once I actually query) I meant the 'how are you' -- it's a business letter, you want to be professional.
 

 
 I thought you'd be interested in my novel, CORVID WITNESS, a horror novel with dual point of views nope complete at 95,000 words.  

 

 
 
 
 
Ed Keegan always knew how to handle an investigation, pushing emotions on the floor, and studying the hard facts. An attitude some admired, some repelled. Eh? No one's witnessed his most recent case of murder; the death of Darlene Hargrove, the fourth girl killed in the town's theological university. No one except Elijah, Darlene's pet raven who repeats Darlene's last words.
 
Ed keeps Elijah at the police station, curious about what the bird could reveal. His men, always believing Ed was the most level-headed guy, think he's nuts for depending on Elijah's testimony. Again, why? A mere animal. This isn't a sentence. You keep doing this. But soon, Elijah starts carving mysterious messages onto the walls. The deeper Ed Keegan gets in the case, the more a mysterious woman appears at specific sites that reveal details of Darlene's final hours; a woman Ed himself has seen once in his youth. This sentence doesn't make any sense -- the sites reveal details, a woman? The tense also shifts. In other cases, many report the strange woman's presence dating back to the town's founding. With all of this information, Ed suspects the woman's involvement in Darlene's case as with the rest of the murders and disappearances. Still stuck at why, and what this has to do with the bird. If he is to solve Darlene's death, he must dig into the town's violent history.
 
With Elijah leading to leading him closer to the truth of Darlene's demise, A second ago it was the woman, and there's no connection between them. Ed is confident he can solve it, even without his men's help. But with the police force breathing down his neck, Isn't he the chief? and with the woman appearing at his own house, Ed might lose more than his job, but his very life. Grammar, again, and again, comes out of noplace and without explanation.
 
 
I am a college graduate of ( university) living in (blank).    
 
I pasted the first ten pages of my manuscript as your guidelines suggested.  Thank you for your consideration.  
 
Best regards
-Jonathan

 

Is there a b plot or anything? It just reads as there are clues -- there's nothing at all about the MC, and your query should really highlight the MC. What can you bring in that focuses there, in addition to the rest?

 

I'd also suggest going over your ms very carefully. Agents expect really clean copy; lots of problems with grammar can lead to rejection on that basis alone. 



#5 mojicanpuertorican

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Posted 12 March 2018 - 10:27 AM

I see your points. I'll have to really focus on the character motivation. I wonder though, since he's a detective, it's really his job to figure this out. After some thinking, I'll try to post an updated query.



#6 Springfield

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Posted 12 March 2018 - 10:36 AM

Of course it's a detective's job to figure out who committed a crime, but it's not about his motivation to figure that out.

 

Why does someone buy a detective novel instead of a 'follow the clues' book? Why does someone buy a Sue Grafton over a Harlan Coben?



#7 mojicanpuertorican

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Posted 12 March 2018 - 06:02 PM

Okay, so after some consideration, I changed some things around. Hopefully it paints Ed's character better. Little by little hopefully I can get better  :blush:

 

 

 

 

 

When Ed Keegan joined the force, it was more than a dream job; it was his escape.

 

Ed knew he would be a detective ever since he was a child, watching 48 hours instead of Barney like every other kid. Now, finally a detective, he lives his dream. But living with his autistic brother, the cause for their father’s departure as kids, makes him believe working keeps him away from reality and frustration.

On one typical night, Ed has to investigate a crime scene at the local theological university. Ed always knew how to handle an investigation, pushing emotions on the floor, and studying the hard facts. No one's witnessed his most recent case of murder; the death of Darlene Hargrove, the fourth girl found dead from the university. No one except Elijah, Darlene's pet raven who repeats Darlene’s last words.

Ed becomes fascinated by Elijah and his involvement in Darlene’s case. His passion drives him to keep an eye on Elijah’s every move. But when Elijah begins carving mysterious messages onto the walls, he wonders what forces could be at work. If he solves the case, he’ll be a renowned detective. But what if Elijah’s words aren’t what Ed wants to hear? Messages that might make him realize that all the crimes in town are connected by one sole entity and change everything he knows?



#8 RosieSkye

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Posted 12 March 2018 - 11:37 PM

Okay, so after some consideration, I changed some things around. Hopefully it paints Ed's character better. Little by little hopefully I can get better  :blush:

 

 

 

 

 

When Ed Keegan joined the force, it was more than a dream job; it was his escape. (I'm not really drawn in by this. You have a murder and a mysterious, message-bearing raven in your story - try to utilize something from that.)

 

Ed knew he would be a detective ever since he was a child, watching 48 hours instead of Barney like every other kid. Now, finally a detective, he lives his dream. But living with his autistic brother, the cause for their father’s departure as kids, makes him believe working keeps him away from reality and frustration.  (You don't mention his brother again, so I'd delete him from your query.  And Ed's dreams as a kid are irrelevant.  If you're looking to flesh out his character, do it within the parameters of your immediate plot.)

 

On one typical night, Detective Ed has to investigate a crime scene at the local theological university. Ed always knew how to handle an investigation, pushing emotions on the floor, and studying the hard facts. No one's witnessed his most recent case of murder; the death of Darlene Hargrove, the fourth girl found dead there. from the university. No one except The only witness is Elijah, Darlene's pet raven who repeats Darlene’s last words.

Ed becomes fascinated by Elijah and his involvement in Darlene’s case. His passion drives him to keep an eye on Elijah’s every move. (This wording is odd.  He's a bird - how many moves does he have?  Has he been taken into custody or given to a shelter or something?)  But when Elijah begins carving (Again, wording - "scratching" or "carving messages with his beak" or something, to better get this point across) mysterious messages onto the walls, he Ed wonders what forces could be at work. (You mean like supernatural forces?) If he solves the case, he’ll be a renowned detective. But what if Elijah’s words aren’t what Ed wants to hear? Messages that might make him realize that all the crimes in town are connected by one sole entity and change everything he knows? (This is pretty vague and confusing.  What does he already know?)

 

 

I think you first need to trim the fat out of your query (the autistic brother, childhood dreams, etc.) and then beef up the important points of your plot.  What was the manner of Darlene's death - or the other people for that matter?  What were her last words?  (You may be withholding this for spoiler purposes, but I think we need at least an idea of what the bird is saying to get a better feel for what's going on here.)  

 

Finally, stakes - what's ultimately on the line for Ed?

 

Good luck!



#9 Dasein

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Posted 12 March 2018 - 11:56 PM

In each version of this query, this phrase:

"No one's witnessed his most recent case of murder; the death of Darlene Hargrove"

makes me think that Ed committed the murder, not that he is investigating it. A minor detail, but sometimes those can be deal breakers.

#10 Springfield

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Posted 13 March 2018 - 02:39 AM

Okay, so after some consideration, I changed some things around. Hopefully it paints Ed's character better. Little by little hopefully I can get better  :blush:

 

 

 

 

 

When Ed Keegan joined the force, it was more than a dream job; it was his escape.

 

Ed knew he would be a detective ever since he was a child, watching 48 hours instead of Barney like every other kid. Now, finally a detective, he lives his dream. But living with his autistic brother, the cause for their father’s departure as kids, makes him believe working keeps him away from reality and frustration. This doesn't seem to have anything to do with anything.

 

On one typical night

, Ed has to investigate a crime scene at the local theological university. Ed always knew tense how to handle an investigation, pushing emotions on the floor, and studying the hard facts. No one's witnessed his most recent case of murder; the death of Darlene Hargrove, the fourth girl found dead from the university. No one except Elijah, Darlene's pet raven who repeats Darlene’s last words.

Ed becomes fascinated by Elijah and his involvement in Darlene’s case. His passion drives him to keep an eye on Elijah’s every move. But when Elijah begins carving mysterious messages onto the walls, he wonders what forces could be at work. I still don't get this at all. If he antecedent solves the case, he’ll be a renowned detective. He's not now? But what if Elijah’s words aren’t what Ed wants to hear? Messages that might make him realize that all the crimes in town are connected by one sole entity and change everything he knows? This, again, isn't a sentence. You leep doing this. Also, I assumed the crimes were connected -- was I not supposed to assume that?

This is somewhat cleaner, but still no stakes, and I'm still confused.



#11 mojicanpuertorican

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Posted 13 March 2018 - 12:13 PM

Thanks for all the great suggestions. I think it's getting there, but let me know of any more fat that needs trimming or things that need rearranging  :smile:

 

 

 

 

 

When detective Ed Keegan sees the raven at the crime scene, he doesn’t expect the bird to talk to him, less in the deceased owner’s voice.

 

Ed has to investigate a crime scene at the local theological university. He always knows how to handle an investigation, pushing emotions on the floor, and studying the hard facts. No one's witnessed the death of Darlene Hargrove, the fourth girl killed there. Except for Elijah, Darlene's pet raven who repeats Darlene’s last words, words that suggest she knew the killer.

Ed becomes fascinated by Elijah and his involvement in Darlene’s case. With Elijah at the police station, Ed makes sure he doesn’t miss a thing. But when Elijah, with his talons, carves the message “Wolves hunger their young” onto the wall, Ed believes Elijah is no ordinary bird. Rather, a prophet or a harbinger of doom. If he solves the case, he’ll be promoted. But what Elijah leads him into is something so sinister that Ed questions everything he’s learned in his career. A rabbit hole so deep, he finds himself on the run from the real killer.



#12 Wayfarer

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Posted 13 March 2018 - 02:19 PM

When detective Ed Keegan sees the raven at the crime scene, he doesn’t expect the bird to talk to him, much less in the deceased owner’s voice.

 

Ed has to investigate a crime scene at the local theological university. He always knows how to handle an investigation, pushing emotions on the floor, and studying the hard facts. No one's witnessed the death of Darlene Hargrove, the fourth girl killed at the school. No one but Elijah, Darlene's pet raven who repeats Darlene’s last words, words that suggest she (Confusing pronoun, she being the bird or Darlene? Maybe fix by writing the sentence as, "No one but Elijah, Darlene's pet raven who repeats its owners last words, words that suggest Darlene knew her killer.) knew the killer.

Ed becomes fascinated by Elijah's involvement in Darlene’s case. With Elijah at the police station, Ed makes sure he doesn’t miss a thing (Ambiguous, miss a thing on the case, from the bird?). But ("But" doesn't follow here. You preface this by saying "...doesn't miss a thing" so to follow with "but" means you have to give a contradiction for why he DOES miss a thing, or why something happens that makes it hard to not miss a thing) when Elijah, with his talons, carves the message “Wolves hunger their young” onto the wall, Ed believes Elijah is no ordinary bird. Rather, a prophet or a harbinger of doom. If he solves the case, he’ll be promoted. But what Elijah leads him into is something so sinister that Ed questions everything he’s learned in his career. A rabbit hole so deep, he finds himself on the run from the real killer.



#13 mojicanpuertorican

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Posted 13 March 2018 - 03:12 PM

@Wayfarer Very nice advice. I see what you mean. It makes things clearer.

 

 

 

When detective Ed Keegan sees the raven at the crime scene, he doesn’t expect the bird to talk to him, much less in the deceased owner’s voice.

 

Ed has to investigate a crime scene at the local theological university. He always knows how to handle an investigation, pushing emotions on the floor, and studying the hard facts. No one's witnessed the death of Darlene Hargrove, the fourth girl killed from the university. No one but Elijah, Darlene's pet raven who repeats its owners last words, words that suggest Darlene knew her killer.

Ed becomes fascinated by Elijah and his involvement in Darlene’s case. With Elijah at the police station, Ed makes sure he doesn’t miss an utterance from the bird. And when Elijah, with his talons, carves the message “Wolves hunger their young” onto the wall, Ed believes Elijah is no ordinary bird. Rather, a prophet or a harbinger of doom. If he solves the case, he’ll be promoted. But what Elijah leads him into is something so sinister that Ed questions everything he’s learned in his career. A rabbit hole so deep, he finds himself on the run from the real killer.



#14 Wayfarer

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Posted 13 March 2018 - 08:56 PM

When detective Ed Keegan sees the raven at the crime scene, he doesn’t expect the bird to talk to him, much less in the deceased owner’s voice.

 

Ed has to investigate a crime scene at the local theological university. He always knows how to handle an investigation, pushing emotions on the floor, and studying the hard facts. No one's witnessed the death of Darlene Hargrove, the fourth girl killed from the university. No one but Elijah, Darlene's pet raven who repeats its owners last words, words that suggest Darlene knew her killer.

Ed becomes fascinated by Elijah and his involvement in Darlene’s case. With Elijah at the police station, Ed makes sure he doesn’t miss an utterance from the bird. And when Elijah, with his talons, carves the message “Wolves hunger their young” onto the wall, Ed believes (Sort of a weak assertion. Switch for "realizes" or some variant.) Elijah is no ordinary bird. Rather, a prophet or a harbinger of doom. If he solves the case, he’ll be promoted. (I get that this is a "stake", and the positive outcome of the case. But you follow with something far more grand than the humdrum life of an ordinary detective, making his "promotion" seem like a really weak positive.) But the path Elijah leads him down is one so sinister that Ed questions everything he’s learned in his career. A rabbit hole so deep, he finds himself on the run from the real killer. (This is where the stakes should be in my opinion. Something along the lines of, "If Ed backs off the case now, he'll be spared the danger of the chase, if he doesn't he may just learn the truth he so desperately desires--and risk his life in so doing." Of course, this part depends entirely on what your books real stakes are.)



#15 mojicanpuertorican

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Posted 14 March 2018 - 11:40 AM

@Wayfarer I think you're absolutely right. The stakes would be more thrilling with his life on the line rather just "he'll get a promotion". Hopefully with the part "Ed realizes Elijah is no ordinary bird. Rather, a prophet or a harbinger of doom." will hint paranormal elements are at play. But I really see it coming together more and more. Will post the most recent below.

 

 

 

 

 

 When detective Ed Keegan sees the raven at the crime scene, he doesn’t expect the bird to talk to him, much less in the deceased owner’s voice.

 

Ed has to investigate a crime scene at the local theological university. He always knows how to handle an investigation, pushing emotions on the floor, and studying the hard facts. No one's witnessed the death of Darlene Hargrove, the fourth girl killed from the university. No one but Elijah, Darlene's pet raven who repeats its owner’s last words, words that suggest Darlene knew her killer.

 

Ed becomes fascinated by Elijah and his involvement in Darlene’s case. With Elijah at the police station, Ed makes sure he doesn’t miss an utterance from the bird. And when Elijah, with his talons, carves the message “Wolves hunger their young” onto the wall, Ed realizes Elijah is no ordinary bird. Rather, a prophet or a harbinger of doom. If Ed backs off the case now, he’ll be spared the danger of the chase, if he doesn’t he may just learn the truth he so desperately desires - and risk his life in so doing. But the path Elijah leads him down is one so sinister that Ed questions everything he’s learned in his career. A rabbit hole so deep, he finds himself on the run from the real killer.



#16 mojicanpuertorican

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Posted 17 March 2018 - 04:38 PM

A friend of mine recommended to shave off to sentences that felt redundant in the query. We'll see if this is better. Though, I wonder if it's too short.

 

 

 

 

When detective Ed Keegan sees the raven at the crime scene, he doesn’t expect the bird to talk to him, much less in the deceased owner’s voice.

 

Ed always knows how to handle an investigation, pushing emotions on the floor, and studying the hard facts. No one's witnessed the death of Darlene Hargrove, the fourth girl killed who attended the local theological university. No one but Elijah, Darlene's pet raven who repeats its owner’s last words, words that suggest Darlene knew her killer.

 

With Elijah at the police station, Ed makes sure he doesn’t miss an utterance from the bird, fascinated by his involvement in Darlene's case. And when Elijah, with his talons, carves the message “Wolves hunger their young” onto the wall, Ed realizes Elijah is no ordinary bird. Rather, a prophet or a harbinger of doom. If Ed backs off the case now, he’ll be spared the danger of the chase, if he doesn’t he may just learn the truth he so desperately desires - and risk his life in so doing. But the path Elijah leads him down is one so sinister that Ed questions everything he’s learned in his career. A rabbit hole so deep, he finds himself on the run from the real killer.



#17 Erevos

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Posted 21 March 2018 - 12:19 PM

Hi Jonathan and once more thank you for your help on my chapters!

 

 

Like I said in my email, you can accentuate the importance of the case by comparing it with his life. He hates his life, so taking on the case feels like an escape from reality.

 

The woman should be in the query imo. All that stuff about dating back to the town's founding, the relation with the dissapearances are far too interesting to skip them. They give an air of...King to your novel. Somehow IT came to my mind after I read about her.

 

So a few points:

1. How the case is an escape from his miserable life

2. How the raven helps him

3. How the woman appears in every kid abduction.

4. The danger. Why is he in danger. You can say something like: The deeper he digs into the town's dark history, the...blablabla. He soon discovers that.... and he is in grave danger before....

5. I like the " the path Elijah leads him down is one so sinister that Ed questions everything he’s learned in his career. A rabbit hole so deep, he finds himself on the run from the real killer." But if possible give us more about WHY and WHAT is the danger he faces.


My Query http://agentquerycon...a-high-fantasy/ Let me know if you want me to look at yours. Will happily do so.


#18 mojicanpuertorican

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Posted 21 March 2018 - 02:01 PM

@Erevos Thanks so much for the suggestion, especially since you know a little of what happens. I'll try to incorporate these elements somehow. I just hope it doesn't come off confusing with mentioning different things. We'll see. Here goes nothing.

 

 

 

 

When detective Ed Keegan sees the raven at the crime scene, he doesn’t expect the bird to talk to him, much less in the deceased owner’s voice.

 

Ed always knows how to handle an investigation, pushing emotions on the floor, and studying the hard facts. Ed confides in no one - except for his job. His career won’t judge him like the people in his life - nor abandon him. In his most recent case, no one's witnessed the death of Darlene Hargrove, the fourth girl killed who attended the local theological university. No one but Elijah, Darlene's pet raven who repeats its owner’s last words, words that suggest Darlene knew her killer.

 

With Elijah at the police station, Ed makes sure he doesn’t miss an utterance from the bird, fascinated by his involvement in Darlene's case. And when Elijah, with his talons, carves the message “Wolves hunger their young” onto the wall, Ed realizes Elijah is no ordinary bird. Rather, a prophet or a harbinger of doom. The deeper Ed digs in the case, the more he sees the town’s untold history of murders and disappearances with one single connection, a woman. A woman he’s seen before as a kid, haunted by her presence since. If Ed backs off the case now, he’ll be spared the danger, if he doesn’t he may just learn the truth of Darlene’s demise and Elijah’s involvement - and risk his life in so doing.

 

But the path Elijah leads him down is one so sinister that Ed questions everything he’s learned in his career. A rabbit hole so deep, he finds himself on the run from the woman.



#19 IndusiumGriseum

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Posted 21 March 2018 - 05:46 PM

@Erevos Thanks so much for the suggestion, especially since you know a little of what happens. I'll try to incorporate these elements somehow. I just hope it doesn't come off confusing with mentioning different things. We'll see. Here goes nothing.

 

 

 

 

When detective Ed Keegan sees the raven at the crime scene, he doesn’t expect the bird to talk to him, much less in the its' deceased owner’s voice.

 

Ed always knows how to handle an investigation, pushing emotions on to the floor, and studying the hard facts. Ed confides in no one - except for his job. His career won’t judge him like the people in his life - nor abandon him. In his most recent case, no one's witnessed the death of Darlene Hargrove, the fourth girl killed who attended the local theological university. No one but Elijah, Darlene's pet raven who repeats its owner’s last words, words that suggest Darlene knew her killer.

 

With Elijah at the police station, Ed makes sure he doesn’t miss an utterance from the bird, fascinated by his involvement in Darlene's case. And when Elijah, with his talons, carves the message “Wolves hunger (for?) their young” onto the wall, Ed realizes Elijah is no ordinary bird. Rather, a prophet or a harbinger of doom. The deeper Ed digs in the case, the more he sees the town’s untold history of murders and disappearances with one single connection, : a woman. A woman he’s he'd seen before as a kid, haunted by her presence since. If Ed backs off the case now, he’ll be spared the danger, [.] If he doesn’t[,] he may just learn the truth of Darlene’s demise and Elijah’s involvement - and risk his life in so doing.

 

But the path Elijah leads him down is one so sinister that Ed questions everything he’s learned in his career. A rabbit hole so deep, he finds himself on the run from the woman. (I'd rework this last line. Maybe try switching these two ideas around and making it a complete sentence?)

 

Looks great! Definitely let me know how this turns out! :)


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#20 pete_b

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Posted 21 March 2018 - 06:59 PM

Okay, my first attempt here so I hope it is useful (and I use the tools correctly)

 

When detective Ed Keegan sees the raven at the crime scene, he doesn’t expect the bird to talk to him, much less in the it's deceased owner’s voice.

 

Ed always knows how to handle an investigation, pushing emotions on the floor, and studying the hard facts. Ed confides in no one - except for his job. His career won’t judge him like the people in his life - nor abandon him. In his most recent case, no one's witnessed the death of Darlene Hargrove, the fourth girl killed who attended the local theological university. No one but Elijah, Darlene's pet raven who repeats its owner’s last words, words that suggest Darlene knew her killer. (I feel like something is missing here, specifically any decision that Ed needs to make. How does taking the case tie in to people abandoning him -- if at all? In other words, what is Ed's motivation for wanting to solve this case?)

 

With Elijah at the police station, Ed makes sure he doesn’t miss an utterance from the bird, fascinated by his involvement in Darlene's case. (I get your sentiment, but the sentence doesn't flow smoothly for me. Maybe switch the second and third segments -- maybe even split into two sentences) And when Elijah, with his talons, carves the message “Wolves hunger their young” onto the wall, Ed realizes Elijah is no ordinary bird. (Perhaps it would be better to leave out the specific message and just hint at something sinister?)  Rather, a prophet or a harbinger of doom. The deeper Ed digs in the case, the more he sees the town’s untold history of murders and disappearances with one single connection, a woman. A woman he’s seen before as a kid, haunted by her presence since. If Ed backs off the case now, he’ll be spared the danger, if he doesn’t he may just learn the truth of Darlene’s demise and Elijah’s involvement - and risk his life in so doing.

 

But the path Elijah leads him down is one so sinister that Ed questions everything he’s learned in his career. A rabbit hole so deep, he finds himself on the run from the woman. (A few cliches in here, but nothing terrible. It did seem to end quite abruptly with "the woman". Maybe something a little more specific like "the woman of his childhood nightmares." or somesuch)

 

I got the concept, and as a horror lover, I found it interesting. But I'd like to see a little more about why Ed either wants or doesn't want to take the case. Either one would work, but (and again, this is from someone not very knowledgeable about queries, so I'm just going with what I've learned so far) we need to know what decision Ed makes that leads him on the path that becomes your story. It could be that he didn't want the case, but took it after he heard the bird speak. I just think you need a little something (in terms of a decision) to really land that hook.

 

Hope that helps. Good luck!






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